The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Posting my "Pity Party" today. It has taken mother and I years to be able to be in the same room without fighting. And today I was having a difficult day and blew it. She is 91 and I bought her a cordless speaker phone that is compatible with her hearing aids. I have been trying for a week to show her to turn on the green button and the one over it with the speaker icon. But, she cannot seem to get it. She forgets to turn it off and will go get her old phone and does not understand why she cannot use it. I tried to tell her to stop using the old phone and just stick with the new one so she can learn it. She knew how to answer and turn on her other with no problem but cannot hear well on it, even with the hearing device, she has on it. So, she keeps going back and forth from the different phones and getting confused and forgets to turn off the new one.

So I lost it and told her I did not know what else to do to help her and her reply was "just wait sister until you get my age" Well, I don't have to be her age to understand her situation but today I just did not have my own coping skills in tack since I am not feeling well myself. I told her I could not seem to help her and she replied by saying "sorry I bothered you." Of course this is the old dysfunctional narcissistic in her and she like to become the Myrta. And then I get my defensive up and get angry. So, that was at least two steps back and she will pout until she needs me and wait for me to beg forgiveness. Does this sound familiar to our dysfunctional families here?? lol

I am frustrated and do not know what to do for her next. She needs to be in a nursing facility but is fighting me and it appears I will have to use the "tough love" I have suggested to others and have her doctor make her go. If she cannot answer her phone, she does not need to be living in the apartment that is also AL. But they only provide transportation, meals and light housekeeping. And she refuses to use their services and depends on us to take her everywhere she needs and wants to go. This is tough for me since my health is not good and I have can not longer drive. My own nerves are so frazed, I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I have been crying my heart out today and realized I needed this time for my own grief at loosing my mother to this god awful dementia. And it is a double problem for those of us with dysfunctional life styles. The old hurt and anger can creek back in even though I know she cannot help it now. I guess we are never totally healed of our old emotions when they try to manipulate and hurt us.

But, I do feel so bad and for loosing it and being nasty and I know I hurt her but just did not have it in me today to deal with this phone issue that I have been working with her for a week to try and get her to learn how to use it. It makes me see how fragile she is and I feel so inadequate and helpless.

Thanks for allowing me to vent and show my downside which I hate. I want to do everything just right and be strong and there for my Mother but it is not easy as all of you know. I am thankful for this group who understands not only the frustration that comes with care giving but dealing with the dysfunctions. It just brings back old hurts and I am feeling so vulnerable today.

Now that I have vented and posted my self pity day, I will go back and try to catch up on your posts to see what is going on with each of you in this same sinking ship and I cannot swim... even with a life vest, I would drown and this is the truth literally. lol

My love and Big (((HUGS))) to each of you. Thanks for being here and may each of you have a good day with some joy and laughter in your difficult lives as caregivers of dysfunctional families. The stress and frustration can be so hard to bare.

Warm wishes,

Sunny aka scmoonbeam:)

I am confident she needs to be in the nursing home at this point but she will not hear of it.

Jujubean,

Whoah! I've been reading your posts, catching up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and all this pain she is having.

What on earth is up w/this Day Care??? center. Sometimes, I also feel as if the medical community, and anything related gives people a bunch of run around.
It's difficult enough for those who have their elders, loved ones in a NH, ALF, and their needs are not really addressed. But as in your case, having to move your mother in her condition, must be very difficult to say the least. I'm really sorry to hear about this.

Stay strong!
I'll keep you and your mom in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Thank you, for asking about my family. I wanted to write about them yesterday,
only was recuperating from a road trip. My husband and I went down south for a few days. On the way home we went to see mother, my sister and those cute babies. We had not had the opportunity to get down there for some time.

I had been distancing myself from my sister a bit, on account of the way she'd like to rope me in to come take care of mom. While I don't mind doing that, it's just that she is never quite clear w/plans, then I drive a distance only to find that she really does not need me there.

But also, my husband had to see a specialist and they found an Inguinal Hernia.
They told him he was born with it. It doesn't cause pain, but on occasion there's a slight protrusion in the lower abdominal area. He, we did the searches, talked to people who've had this surgery. He's having the Laparoscopic one done tomorrow, Fri., in the a.m. So of course, I don't want to stress out and all of that,
but I have been somewhat, nervous about it. The anticipation. Then I've been trying to hold my mud on this end, being strong for him. He seems to be all right with it, but as in any procedure....I'm sure there's some kind of nerves about it.

Anyway, this three day trip stressed me out too. When my husband gets on the road, he wants to take just about every detour one can imagine. We did go down there for work, but had a couple days. But w/the impending Friday appointment,
I was concerned that we get back, so he can rest before this procedure. Ay......., but this is where my husband and I differ. I'd like to be rested also, since I'll be taking care of him.

I know he will have to stay put after the surgery a few days. Now I know that they say the Laparoscopic procedure appears to allow people shorter recovery, but I hope my husband takes it easy, especially in terms of doing strenuous activities. His job does involve some of this. So I have already been talking to him about it. Let's see if he listens. I do have struggles with him in this department!

Oh, and almost forgot to mention, mom is doing good. She is quite entertained by the two babies, who spend a lot of time there. It's interesting how the energy of these two babies just completely changed that household. They needed that.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~You couldn't have said it any better. I have decided over that last couple days that I have given my sis the tools to detach but I think she gets hung up on the respecting your elders which is totally different when dealing with family w/o the PD or severe dysfunction. I did copy and paste Joan's detaching info to my sis...Thank You Joan for posting that it is always good to revisit.
I have been a people pleaser with the idea that people would like me. Now I just don't care if they like me (that doesn't mean I am rude, inconsiderate of them) I just have boundaries now. Mom has been complaining since we moved her in April, that her hair has never been this grey. Well sis finally broke down and paid for the salon at the community to give mom a weave...blending in the grey with her natural hair color. Sis had one done once and she loved it. Well guess what....mom hates it and sis is upset about it. Mom says it it too dark, but I have to admit, it does look good, natural on her but mom is used to more grey giving her hair a lighter look. Lets face it, mom would have hated even just getting it dyed. She has to have something to complain about it is her nature.It is just an example of how sis will go out of her way to try to please mom and when it backfires (which it will every time), sis is hurt. I am not going to offer sis anymore instruction on detaching because as you said, she has to work this out for herself now. When I took Midget with me to visit mom twice this week, mom mentioned several times how fat Midget is and that I need to feed her less. Well, Midget has lost some weight since being with me and mom is the one who made her fat, LOL!! I don't take it personal, it is just how my mom is. She is going to have complaints regarding Midget because I have her...as I said before...it is par for the course. We can only do so much to help others but if they are not at a point emotionally to see their part in it, then we have to leave it up to them and Detach from situation. Hugs to you and I hope all is good with you and your family.

Emjo--seems to me a care plan is just something they write up to satisfy family then do whatever they want. There is no accountability in it! Just like this day camp, tried it yesterday and they did not follow one instruction I had given regarding diapering meals and coffee intake. she was soaking wet and had to be changed in parking lot as I was getting her into car...I don't know why we spent 2 hrs going over all this at intake if it was going to sit in a file and do no good....I will have to shut up again before i go completely off....and DR reported ct scan shows no fracture, i know that we are looking for ligament status, they sed ct is only bone issue so wtf...why did we even do it..I am trying to remain polite and calm and problem solving mode with them. so therefore i vent here but again OMG n WTF...why did we just waste 3 more days trying to treat moms leg!!!! i am going to strangle someone!! but there are too many of them to strangle!!! I anticipated problems tho and made an ortho appt myself for tomoro to get anothers take on this we need to know how to properly care for this injury and to what extent she is injured for jiminy sake!!!
Well take care y'all, hang in there, i am holding on by a thread!!
Cmag...sorry bout surgery issues!!!

Peace,
Juju

Emjo,

Boy, oh boy! What kind of bureaucratic nonsense have they been having you do the hoop jumping through! I have to say, that you seem to be handling all of this like a true champion.

Your mom drives a scooter? WOW! Hey, well if she can still manage to do this,
more power to her! Obviously, it gives her something to do. Even though she gives you a hard time, I must say....she is amazing at her age!

Well I sure hope that your issues with these doctors and the relocation/or your mother staying where ever it is beneficial to her, and you is resolved in the near future. These people act as if it's not enough for a concerned daughter to be looking out for their mother, then giving you the run around.

I really liked the "Detaching" post.
I have to remind myself about all of these points.
I particularly liked the one that says, to say "no." This word to some people seems to be very foreign. I know for myself, I've had to learn this one.
I have been too much of a people pleaser, and am trying to get away from that type of thinking. I was listening to a person on the internet one day who talked much about how this could be one of the most important words in the English language. So maybe we are on to something here.

O.K., Emjo, hang in there! I'm thinking of you, and hoping for nothing but the best.
Stay strong, you're wonderful! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

It is interesting the difference in the reactions coming from you vs. your sister in relationship to your mother. I've written about how my sister is at times still what I call "looking for mommy." I realized many, many years ago while I was a small kid, helping my parents out w/their own kids that I could not look upon my mother like one of those moms. She was constantly at work, and really emotionally speaking she knew how to meet the financial needs very well, I will give her that.
But she was way behind in the emotional department. So I got that, a long time ago, that one cannot squeeze water out of a dry sponge. Hence, as I got older,
then into adulthood I knew what not to expect. On the other hand, I know that my sister knows this.....but she's still looking for all of that. Remember I'd written not too long ago, about how my sister complained that she felt very unappreciated by mom. Mom had rubbed in "the....this is my house routine." My sister was so incensed by this. I do not blame her either, because she does so much, living there and coordinating all the caregiving. However, my sister falls victim to
spoiling mom. Especially after mom lost the battle ax, it's now 1.5 yrs., cant' believe that. This is why I suggested to her when she complained about this,
to cut back on some of the coddling of mother. Our mom is spoiled too! She was the youngest in her family, and even though they weren't from a rich family and all of that, mom always has enjoyed a certain status w/in her own family being the youngest. But mom has never been the one to show anyone REAL affection,
nor attention. It was always driven by her endless need to have everything under her control.

In this sense I really told my sister to cut back too, I mean if she's getting her feathers ruffled because this little old lady still wants to exert some weird control via her remarks, and my sister can't handle it, then sis has to do something about her own behavior, so there is no set up.

Your sister will have to do the work, as in my case mine needs to work on this part of the equation. But I know....my sister and I believe from everything you've said about your own sister.....there's their own control issues to deal with also.

Well I'm happy for you that your visits accompanied by Midget have turned out calm. But it's also that you have learned the lesson of relating to a challenging woman too. So you get the credit here!
What great news, that your daughter is thinking about having a baby, too!

O.K., Enjoy your days off. I know you'll squeeze in some time for you.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Thanks, Margeaux. Wife and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next Tuesday and we scheduled her hiatial hernia surgery for the next day since we will be in the town where her doctor is. This should fix her acid reflux problem which is no longer tolerable even with meds. She will be on a very restrictive diet for weeks.

Maybe I should go on the same diet. I'd loose weight also. Anyhow, my doctor has me on my own weight loss program of cut each meal I eat in half and walk twice a day for 30 minutes. The first two days went fine, but it has been a battle since. Today is day seven.

I will let ya'll know when my mom's potassium level returns to normal and when her surgery is re-scheduled for. Take care everyone.

Cmag,

Oh, I read your post about your mom's potassium being too low for the surgery!
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for that. As stressful as this is, to be waiting to go through with a surgery, and it gets postponed. All right, my friend, I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts, that this gets resolved.
Hang in there! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad1~I laughed when I read your statement that as the mom, you don't get preferential treatment!! Glad you are able to keep a sense of humor in the midst of caregiving.
Joan~I like the idea of tattooing eyeliner and brows and I may do it someday too. The only reason I hesitate now is because I like to use different colored eyeliner. I hope my mom doesn't get to a point where she won't swallow her meds. So far she is taking them and I can say the Namenda is really working in keeping her cognitive abilities stable. She has not improved but considering being moved to AL then 6 weeks later being moved to memory care she has not declined as a result of the stress of the moves.

Emjo - yes - I feel a little better - and yes...one of many nasty comments from my mom...I started writing them down - maybe get some out and let go. Some, as I write them shock me that I still talk to her! I have - as we call it - gunnysacked it. Of course it still comes out eventually - in weird ways! Funny that your mom wants to change her meds...mine does the same thing - self medicate...they know better than the doctors I guess! Have fun on your retreat with your eyebrows and eyeliner...my hairdresser has that- loves it! I am getting my wrist tattooed in December - my son is a tattoo artist - I have a scar I hate - he is going to cover it up. December was the first available appt! Geez - moms don't get preferential treatment!

ooops submitted too soon. - She has also decided that she doesn't want to move. She will be fine if they only stop troubling her and leave her alone! She has absolutely no concept that she causes most of her own troubles. So the care plan is going down the drain. Her case worker said she would call me and I look forward to that. She is a good lady and I am thankful for her. I believe she may find mother a new doctor. Think I will plan a holiday for me. I have been thinking of going on a retreat or maybe I will go south for a few days, visit some friends and get my eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on! Gary is very busy the whole of August so he probably won't miss me!
take care everyone love and hugs

Jenny - wish it could be that simple -seems to be anything but!
leedee - good for you - wonderful to find something that works. Thumbs up indeed!
sad1 oh wow - nasty comment by your mum about your dad's care. Your mum's friend is wise - we all need to choose life - ours. You do sound better,
Hi alison - glad you checked in and glad to here you are doing well. You must have been ready. Storms will come and upset you now and then, but you will regain your equilibrium and get stronger.((((hugs))) to you too
sharyn - happy your mum is doing well -all negative -as you say par for the course.
here mother visited her pharmacist and has decided to decrease her meds for the paranoia -she doesn't need calming drugs. Oh no???? I don't know how that will work as the staff are supposed to give her her meds and watch her take them. In any case, it spells trouble as her temperament needs help. She has also decided that she doesn't want to move. She will be fine if they only stop troubling her and leave her alone! She has absolutely no concept that she causes most of her own troubles. So the care plan is going down the drain. Her case worker said she would call me and I look forward to that. She is a good lady and I am thankful for her. I believe she may find mother a new doctor. Think I will plan a holiday for me. I have been thinking of going on a retreat or maybe I will go south for a few days, visit some friends and get my eyebrows and eyeliner tattooed on! Gary is very busy the whole of August so he probably won't miss me!
take care everyone love and hugs

a busy day...visiting mom, taking her glasses in for new lenses (anti glare coating is coming off) new lenses without coating. Mom is doing well, she has a couple of lady friends within her cognitive group. She is happy overall except when we visit it is all negative. Par for the course.

Hi everyone, just thought I would "check in."

You know, I guess I was just so ready to accept that there was something amiss in my relationship with my mother... and that it wasn't anything to do with me, really... and so, for me, accepting different ways of dealing with her, interacting with her, from now on until forever... well, I'm just totally accepting of the ideas and am just beyond grateful for them! I keep a little file of some of the really helpful, informational posts on here, and I just keep reading away... taking it all in.

I gotta tell you, I feel pretty good these days. Putting some names to these difficult relationships, getting some tools in dealing with them... I feel freer. It may be that my little moment of feeling competent in dealing with Dys Family will be harshly interrupted at anytime by someone "acting out," but the past week has been pretty peaceful.

I just want to say thanks again, to all of you here. I continue to read and get so much from all posts. And I send you hugs and well wishes in continuing on each of your individual paths. Have a great Tuesday!

Pleasing- yes please take emjo's advice - I purchased two books - Will I ever be good enough and Disarming the narcissuses. Into the 3rd chapter of the first book and it is as if someone took out info from my brain and wrote chapters about it...down to my father having Parkinsens...erry. I had always blamed my mothers behavior on her alcoholism - but since her stroke - no alchole but behavior is the same. My mother has never been happy and my dad went to his grave trying to please her. She said to me months before his heart attack that she just wanted to live alone...well she got her wish - and then she cried and cried when dad was sick - but him in the worst rest home in the county (he could afford the best) and her comment to me - even last month that the people there were nice to her...not that dad had good care! That's when I realized there is really something amiss! So sorry to hear about your abuse - I was lucky there - but you do need to take care of yourself. One of my mothers friends told me to choose life...mine. Now I get it. Just now need to heal and get strong.

Sometimes I wonder if ANYONE needs to be a caregiver, definitely within the family, and sometimes even professionally. Maybe we need expiration dates like milk so we can be tossed out when useful life is over before we are harmful to others????

sorry - but the time comes, in some cases, if you do not have the resources at home that the parent needs, they are better cared for in an facility

Your mum can go in an NH - you have to apply for Medicaid if she doesn't have financial resources. Many here have done that, It sounds like your sis is as much trouble as your mum. I agree that the travelling is too much and dealing with your sis too as well as your mum. It would be a good idea to start on the Medicaid application soon, as it takes a while and you say that your mum's insurance will run out next year. I gather she does not have many assets for spend down. I really would put some limits on your sis contacting you as much as she does, as it is hard on you. One thing you could do is just not respond to the texts to discourage her. You do need some time to yourself. Your mum's health will not get better and likely she will need more help in years to come. Others have made promises to keep a parent at home, but the time comes, in some cases where you do not have the resources at home that the parent needs and they are better cared for in an facility. Can you tell sis that you cannot keep this up once mum's insurance runs out and if she wants to keep mum out of an NH then she will have to do the caregiving. Take care and do something good for you today. Caregivers can lose themselves and that is not good.

Oops answered my own question , sorry claycam..

Claycam what about a Nh for your Mom?..All that stress from traveling to and fro from your Mom's is too much..

My family is dysfunctional too. I am 50% caregiver for my Mom. I have one sister helping. The other sister we came up with a legal contract of no contact with Mom instead of the emergency protective order. I actually live three hours away and travel back and forth. The sister that does help is always on fence of having a melt down and contacts me constantly when I have some time back home. Within hours of getting home she is texting regarding coming back. Mom doesn't want to go in a "home" and sister wants to do as Dad wanted and also not put her in a "home. Mom has been in such poor health for so long that she doesn't have long term care insurance to cover nursing home. What little long term insurance she has will run out mid next year. We had 1 year coverage and are using for in-home assistance for four hours a day/three days a week. My heart constantly feels like it is coming out of my chest and there is a lump in my throat. I do not know what to do.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) pleasing2 - what a horrible childhood you had! - such betrayal! Dear one, you can't make your mum happy. You can't make anyone else happy. She does sound narcissistic and I posted to you about that on your other post. All the stuff I have written about to sad1 can be useful for you. Psychologist Pauline Boss recommends that people who were abused as children do not do hands on caregiving as it can cause them further harm. You talk about your mum not being happy. What about you? Are you happy with your life? It is not good to jump for anyone. You deserve a life too, and I hope you have one apart from her. Her feelings are hers to deal with. I find I get in trouble every time I start to feel sorry for my mum - or anyone else. I am not saying don't have compassion, but detach from their feelings. More ((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Hi sad1 - glad that helped. I have been where you are and, yes, you have been primed and groomed to play her games, and you try to fix the unfixable. Please don't feel lame. I am 75 -soon 76 - and it has taken me a long time to get to where I am. I have had a lot of counselling and I do recommend it, as long as you can find someone who understands your mother's condition. If you go to one, follow your gut feelings. I also have read a lot and have some wonderful girlfriends who have encouraged me. There are times when I wonder why they have stuck with me. You need to learn how to detach. here are some pointers about that. The ones I posted above about Boundaries are good too. Good to develop skills with setting boundaries. Not seeing you mum for a while is setting a boundary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Detaching
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself and what is good for
you
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are doing the right thing now - and knew in your heart what the right thing was. Your husband is supportive - continue to look to him. Decide that you have "paid your dues" and have nothing to feel guilty about. Your mum is not an emotionally healthy person - in fact she has a mental health condition. Don't let that drive your life and your feelings. I know it is not easy, but keep working at it and you will get there. Lots of support here - take advantage of it.
(((((((((hugs)))))))

My Parents were drunks, Selfish and I have spent my life trying to please them my father died ten years ago. He sexual abused me I told my mother she said I was a liar. .I am still caring for my mother I feel bad she isn't feeling well. I work hard pay for everything while she saves her money. She is mean and very demanding! But at the same time she cries if I am busy and can't jump every second she wants me too. She tells me she never had a happy DAY I her life. I hope god forgives for saying such bad things.

Oh emjo - thank you- And you and my husband are right ( he will enjoy that). I knew in my heart that is what I should do - but I also know I have been primed and groomed to be just like my dad. The guilt is building up and I always do try to smooth things over. I just need to work on that...read read read! How do you get to where you are in this? I just still feel so lame for this to take me so long....

sharyn - you are right - my sis has trouble separating from mother too, and in recent years has had more fights with her, but yours at least helps, though it is hard on her. I am not holding my breath for change.

ju - sounds like you are well off apart from your sibs, but you do need a break so others need to be involved for that. Hope the day camp (was it) will work. I know you have a ton of work to do. Glad you relaxed with mum on the weekend. I don't now how you cope. I am not fond of doctors either - 'nuff said.

I have been thinking about something my friend of 45 years said over supper a few days ago when I was south. She basically said that I have gone the extra mile or twenty, and then some, and gotten kicked in the teeth for it again and again and maybe it was time to stop and let my sis do it. You have to understand this friend to get the impact this has on me. She rarely says a bad word about anyone, She finds good things in any situation, she has helped seniors for years, and, like me, is one herself now, and does not hand out advice easily - even to her own kids. It makes me think...

guts acting up again - immodium to the rescue - hope to get a good nite's sleep
love and hugs to all

(((((sad1)))))) it sounds so familiar -and, m'dear - all narcissists are masters at it -wanting to move, frantic phone calls from others - haven't seen her in 3 weeks - you are a saint! My mother who lives 5 hrs away is lucky to see me a few times a year. Now she had a major meltdown recently and increase in paranoia, losing money etc. more memory problems, so I have gone down a few times this summer to do what I can, but junk food is an emergency???? I don't think so. Glad you have no intention of moving her closer. Mine wants to move too, but is unhappy anywhere she is. Rule number one - do not respond to frantic phone calls from friends. Be proactive, not reactive - meaning decide what you want to/can do and what you don't want to/can't do and go with that otherwise she is jerking your strings. Considering you got into a big fight with her last time - and remember she enjoys that - I go with your husband. Let it go longer - quite a bit longer. My mother plays victim all the time and tells everyone who will listen that she has no family support. She fools some of the people some of the time, and some get involved and soon find out what she is really like. Detach - let her go through her act - that is her business, and has no reflection on you. Remember they use FOG - fear obligation and guilt - often guilt is a biggie. You have nothing to be guilty about, Give yourself a break. If you want to send a care package - fine. But don't go back too soon. You need to give her a firm message that her behaviour is unacceptable and you will not jump when she wants you to. Good luck, deep breaths, do what is good for you - (((((hugs)))))

Hi all - ok - I need some advise from some of you wise people of narcissistic mothers. Since I am still a newbie at my discovery and haven't finished my reading yet - I need some help. My mother is a master at her narcissism - and had a stroke, aphasic and in assisted living. Brother AOL as he is done with her. She basically did whatever possible to put my dad in an early grave - and I am still holding on to that. So - here is my dilemma - she is 3 hours away - has basically chased away all but one of her friends - who does visit her - but she is in a fairly nice facility - where they "get" her and take pretty good care of her - no abuse or anything - they are very loving. It is an older place - so she thinks it is filthy - and thinks the food is all "crap" (been eating in nice restaurants all her life) so - she calls this one friend and because I have not been down in 3 weeks - which is pretty standard - she is playing the victim role. My husband thinks I should let her stew a little longer (got in a big fight when last there - no appreciation of ANYTHING and was really rude to my son who did work at her house). I also usually get her a bag of junk food that she has written down for me - her list - and I think she is running out of that. So - my thoughts were to send her a care package of junk food and a little card. She also wants me to either move her to another facility where she is or up by me - no way...and no place is going to be good enough for her. She has fired everyone she possible can - so she doesn't help herself at all. I know - I am rambling - but I just got an frantic text message from her friend....I am really not sure how to handle her at this point - still going through so many emotions myself. Thank you in advance for all your help - I am so grateful I found this group of wonderful people!!!

! more....not to mention working on bid from contractor....So I am outta here for a while...I relaxed all weekend and now I gots to get this stuff done!!!
peace
Juju