The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Alison - well done!!! You are detaching. It is an awesome tool. Acceptance and forgiveness are great too. I think the one has to precede the other. Eventually you get to compassion, if you are not there already. However you do it, you need to protect yourself from the chaos and hurt. I do better with emotional rides than carnival ones, (the merry go round and the tilt a whirl are my limit), but I don't like them. Yeah, gets kind of old from the same family members and it is hard - very hard - sometimes too hard, but we can grow. Wonderful that you connected with your sil. I don't know what I would have done over the years without girlfriend support. Sil sounds like a smart cookie, and has developed some good strategies. You are probably right that your bro doesn't get it. G's ex is incredibly controlling. I am sure she has a PD and their oldest son just doesn't get it. Oldest son's wife gets it very well. I like that you accept that your mum is nuts. She is and so is mine. Flippant and loving is good. One has to find some humour and "lightness" in it all. Mother tends to give the once over and comment on anything not to her liking - and she will walk into your bedroom, the bathroom when you are using it (if not locked) etc. with no hesitation. Closed doors mean nothing to her. As a child/teen I barricaded myself into my bedroom more than once - largely out of fear when she was on a major rampage.

I am proud of you too Alison. Look how far you have come!!!! I am proud of all of us for even being here and working on these problems. I agree that, long term, geographical distance is a necessary part of the equation. We have plans to move closer to this city at some point, but it will be out of the city limits and to the west, at least an hour away. I cannot be too accessible. Worn out - oh yeah! and woke up much too early.

sharyn - that kind behaviour of mother's combined with the airport thing is the reason I think she belongs in a closed unit - or is more supervised at least. We are dealing with the risky behaviour of a BPD exacerbated by aging issues. The meds may be enough if she keeps taking them. Time will tell. I am not going to worry about it. You can only do so much to protect someone from themselves, especially without the backing of the professionals. Re your sis, I understand your desire to make some good memories with her. For years, I tried to have a healthy workable relationship with my sister, but it didn't work and I have come to accept that if we get through anything with out trouble, like now, so far, it is a bonus. I have changed my expectations to match up with reality. I anticipate that, sometime through this mother stuff, my sis will cause trouble - probably over money. Whatever! Remember that your sis has some of your mum's genes.

Had to laugh at mother's comments about the food at her ALF. She said it is dreadful what they feed older people. They serve lovely cakes in the afternoon and sometimes she goes down and takes one. It is just not right what they do to seniors!!!

Realized I can't get over to mother's this morning as the airport shuttle picks me up too early. Just as well. I think I will have a soak in the hot tub and ease my weary bones and mind. G and I are missing one another, and these trips are not over yet. As well as more coaching on the computer, my final goal is to get mother to a new doctor and get her files transferred to him. Then I am taking a break, though I will keep an eye on her finances.

Everyone - check in and let us know how you are doing.

Tub time for me! ((((((hugs)))) to all - Joan

Sorry ABB, I meant more tolerable, LOL!! You know its been a long week...Hugs!!

Joan~I totally understand your concern about your mother trusting a favorite taxi driver or other people she has contact with. This is exactly what my mom was doing last year regarding her checking account. We were very blessed that the people mom was trusting were very caring people who were trustworthy but I still made contact with these two ladies, met them in person and we kept in touch with each other. A taxi driver is questionable just as the one lady my mom befriended who is a volunteer for a elderly organization. It is so scary to think parents would rather trust a stranger than a family member but their paranoia is so strong.

ABB~Glad things are working out for you in dealing with your mother. You are very correct that it won't make all the troubles with her go away but you have tools to deal with her that will make the stress less intolerable.

Well, it turns out that I am going to work tomorrow. I was willing to work Sunday too but we have a policy against working an employee 7 days in one week. We have a co-worker who has gone out on leave for at least one week which is what has made the schedule changes necessary.

My sister backed out on going to Yosemite which I though she would since she always backs out when she can't control the situation her way. I don't mean to be negative about her, however, whenever sis and I have gone on any type of trip together, it has to be where she wants to go and what she wants to do. In the past, I always went along with her, but life is too short and there are things I want to do as well and since I would have been doing the driving and paying the entrance fee to Yosemite (I don't think she realizes how much it costs just for the day in Yosemite), I think I should be able to have 1 hour to do something I want since the rest of day would have been at her call. Also, I don't think she realizes that I would have to text my brother to let him know we were coming, but there is no guarantee he would receive the text because of interference with the mountains....our chances of running into to bro and sil within such a large park would have been by luck only. When he called me the other day, he went outside the park to get reception on his phone. I really wish my sis were more flexible because we could make some good memories together if she let go of her need to control the situation. I still have 3 days off and will be busy getting supplies for mom, visiting her and working here at home. Yay!!!

Juju~I know you are going through a stressful time. Living in a hotel with your mom's needs must be very difficult plus dealing with contractors too. Please don't blame yourself for your mom's injuries and if necessary look into adult day care for her while you are in the hotel, as it would give you the time so can get other things done without taking your mother in and out all the time. Just a suggestion for you.

Hugs to everyone, I hope the weekend brings a time to rest your minds and bodies!!

Hello, my dearies. Yes, Joan, its one heck of a carnival ride we're on. Except I always did like carnival rides but I don't care for the emotional kind of ride... Especially when its caused by the same old family members who've been causing it my whole life.

I'm reading over all of your words and different situations on here and I deeply feel for all of you... all of US, lol. Caregiving to the elderly is darn hard, and you add bad familial relationships into the mix... well, its a good day when we don't just stick our head in the oven with the gas on, har har. Its hard. Real hard.

I think I made some progress in learning to handle my relationship with my mother. Her intrusiveness into my life in recent months just caused massive chaos and hurt and anger inside of me like nothing else. I am working on some acceptance and a bit of forgiveness with her.

There are a couple of things that have helped me in dealing with my mom: my younger brother's input as to very tactical ways of dealing with her... and most recently a long chat with my sil about my mother. I had no idea that my sil struggled with my mother for, in her words, the first 10 years she was married to my brother. (They're married total of 17 years at this time.) But I was able to get much sympathy and understanding from my sil who traded horror stories with me about things my mom has done - and still does - that are intrusive and hurtful. For example, sil tells me that if she knows my mom is coming over to their house, she hides certain things to keep my overly nosy mother from poking around in their business. And my sil hides the trash to keep my mom from saying things like "You're throwing that away? Here let me take it." ...and then taking it to her filled-to-bursting hoarder home. And sil told me stories about how my mom has pried into their finances to the point that sil has had to tell her to butt out as well. There were other things sil and I talked about in regard to my mom, but it all added up to a feeling of being understood and supported... which is what I was missing from my brother. I had asked older bro to assist me in getting my mom to back off, older bro wasn't obliging, and now I see that he isn't just that way with me, but with his own wife. Older bros approach is to largely tolerate mom's intrusiveness... but I think that woman-to-woman relations are different than mom-to-son. I don't think older bro really sees whats going on or understands how negatively impacting mom can be.

This is all turning into small potatoes at this moment. I feel that I have tools to handle my mom. It will never be a good situation, because my mom is nuts. I say this flippantly and lovingly. I don't know what her particular PD is, but she certainly has one. She doesn't see ANYONE as "off limits" to her nosiness, really. And theres just not much she WON'T say, no matter how off base, if she's got some idea in her head. I cringe when I hear her asking nosy questions, or making nosy assessments of complete strangers she has just met. And I noticed during this trip that if I walked away from my mother, as I did several times because I simply don't particularly enjoy having her in my physical space very much... BECAUSE she is so overbearing... if I walk away, my mother would follow me each and every time, get up very close to me again, look me over and examine me, physically assessing and commenting on every little thing about me... and I would just try to gently and patiently keep getting away from her immediate presence... but she would follow... BUT, I dealt with her like a champ. I'm very proud of myself for being able to stay out of the pattern of having her push my buttons and make me react. This is very promising. I feel great relief. But I also think that long term I will be serving myself best by leaving the area again... or at least remaining outside of my immediate family's city of residence.

I'm pretty worn out today, as I sense some of you on here are, too. I pray we all find the strength to keep keeping on with our lives, meeting each day's new and unique challenges, and we can somehow keep our hearts light through all of it.

It's very difficult. Love you guys. Hope everyone gets a good night's rest.

Oh juju and kazzaa ((((((((hugs)))))))) I missed your posts when I was posting - you both are going through a horrible time

Juju your poor mum is so fragile. Don’t blame yourself – please!!!! All you are doing for her… take it one day at a time… All this is so stressful for both of you. I have no idea how you manage in a hotel. You are doing a great job and don’t think otherwise. I do hope you try the respite –I know you will make sure they know her bones are brittle. You did make a smart move getting away from family/
Kazzaa – I am so sorry - my mother is getting careless/forgetful with money too and cash is mysteriously vanishing. I am not quite sure how to deal with it yet, but I do have access to her bank accounts now so I can see what is going on and go from there. Be sure you take a break when your mum is in respite and definitely let you sis carry some of the load and find out what it is like. Find yourself again =
My heart goes out to both of you – hugs and many prayers

sj - thank you - your words really gave me a needed lift.
time to vent here - It has been a difficult few days. Listening to mother's "nonsense" had never been easy, but it is so far out at times now. She has a scooter which stopped working and is accusing the staff of sabotaging it in order to isolate her Then she wants the maintenance man to fix it immediately. It makes no sense - if they wrecked it, why would they fix it? I find this stuff tiring and ended up saying that I did not believe that they did wreck it, so we would just have to agree to disagree. If she had dementia it would be different - but she has had this kind of thinking all her life - it is just worse now. Thankfully, she let it go. I would say the antipsychotic drug she is on is helping her mood. We were in a lovely restaurant where I bought her lunch. So many times, what could have been pleasant experiences have turned into semi nightmares because she has ranted about something nonstop through the whole thing. I managed to bring her up to date on her great grandchildren, and we made inroads into the delusion of sending her south. She has forgotten that the doc said they were arranging to move her to another ALF - one she likes - so I told her and she says she can now relax as she knows she is not being sent south. Of course, she will create more stress for herself and others with different paranoid delusions, but that was a big one and caused her the most stress. Overall it was tolerable. We went back and I did the computer instructor thing and she started to catch on to her new email, but her memory is so bad I wonder what, if anything, she will remember tomorrow. Got back to the hotel, and was relaxing and the phone rang -
Mother - I think I am going to call the police -what do you think of that?"
Me "Why"
Mother "About that money they stole"
Me "I don't think it is a good idea, we have to check at the bank first".
Mother - "They broke my scooter, so I can't go to the bank"
(You can see how it all fits in to her delusion)
Me "I will go"
Of course she will expect me to go right now -not realising that banks are closed at 5 and for the weekend. Next time, I think I will be neutral and if she phones the cops, they can deal with her. She won't be the first paranoid senior they have dealt with, I am sure.

One scary thing she said was that she had asked her favourite taxi driver if she could come and live with him and his wife. Thankfully he said no, but she emphasized that, if he had said yes, she would have. We have read of tales here of seniors who have put their trust in people who were out for their own gain, and that could have happened to mother. Not that the arrangement would last long, because of her temperament, but money could flow in the meanwhile. It shows her judgement is not good.

My friend had to back out of supper and I was glad as I needed space. Had a glass of red wine with supper - can't remember when I had wine last - didn't finish it, but what I had did relax me. The evening is peaceful so far. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Thinking of you all - what a trip we are on - merry go round, roller coaster, loop the loop, tilt a whirl, slides, cliff hanger... I think we could develop some analogues here! I can see I'm getting silly - not the wine, just fatigue.

sharyn - glad you are getting some time off. You are considerate of your bro and sil. I would think they need some time for themselves -they have been on some circus rides too.

Have a good weekend everyone - and do something good for you!!! (((((hugs)))))

Kazzaaa i feel ya there i literally moved a state away and restraining orders were pu tin place to stop my ill brother from destroying our life!!! but after nine years i am ready to crack now again...i just got approved for a great respite program but dont know how i can turn her over to strangers after all the mistakes hospital has made and others... but apparently i am not doing much better as i snapped her ribs n knee but if she never fell i wouldnt be suffering to drag her around idk anymore i cant stand to see her in this much pain!!! Idk what to do, i almost am afraid to touch her now!!

but anyway jsut stay away from family that is determined on making you miserable!!! all i can say was the smartest move i could have made and would not change that part even if it means i am in this alone!!!!

So sorry juju although my mum hasn't reached that stage im just so tired from the last 48hrs just sitting here crying as this is just too much to handle my mum lost it on wed with a bus driver they almost called the police. then my mums card was stolen and they spent all her pension.
Of course I was blamed as I didn't go into town with her so now ive realised that she cannot be alone ever again. I think im numb its like this is happening to another person that ill wake up and it will all be a bad dream? If this is the start of dementia and this is going to get worse then God help me and give me the strength to do this as right now im so tired and mentally drained.

Shes going into respite next week and it feels like a year away just to have a week where I don't have to worry about her knowing shes safe and others can see that shes not right?

really feel for you I don't know who I am anymore and cant remember the last time I laughed?

This illness is cruel just cruel on top of this my sis is coming to RUIN my peace so I have to avoid her for at least ten days and let her look after mum 24/7 so she can WAKE UP and see that mum is not normal.

What a life? I look at my friends whose parents are old but safe and competent it just dosnt seem fair why us?

Yep life can be a pile of kak sometimes.

Hope you've calmed down feel so sorry for you! Big Hug!

and her bones are so brittle from extended use of fosomax and prednisone that we did not know would do this to her till Feb as well as natural aging process but she is literally toothpicks....and the hip fracture ughhh they sent us home as just a shoulder fracture, got her in n out of car and bed then later that eve they called us back saying hip was broken and covered up that it had displaced during her trip home....and back i am furious and distraught this eve.....i work hard to take good care of her never leave her 24/7 changing diapers and feeding and these people are so careless. I am exhausted!!!!

I am now going to become the dysfunctional one. I cannot beleive this. Mom hurt her knee last night and our best guess after xrays today (not what i had planned for day but) is a torn or snapped tendon or ligament...She is in so much pain and i am just beside myself as i may have been stepping on her toe when i transferred her causing her knee to twist n pop. We are in this hotel crowded, and not enuf room to function properly and now she is paying for it with her broken lil body! since Feb she broke hip n shoulder (at the state provided caregiver's hands AND her worker did absolutely nothing about it), resulting in her inability to walk again, wheelchair bound now, fell out in april and was sent home from ER as fine when she had compression fractures in spine, declined till i broke a rib transferring her and insisted on them Xraying back as that was my suspect and i was right undiagnosed previous compression fracture. now we popped her knee and she is in so much pain... I am going to lose it!! These state caregivers have no training but 4 hrs to learn how to fill out their paperwork to get paid and that is where all this started. What else can she take..she does not deserve the disrespect the system has for the elderly. i am livid and beside myself today...overwhelmed!! and just in tears for what we are going thru!!!

emjo

You are Sunshine and Joy....your words are always kind and enlightening,
peace of mind and love to you and all

Kazzaa~You are heading in the right direction for a diagnoses for your mother. I am assuming you are in the UK???, If so, your medical is different than here in the U.S. Here we go to a geriatric specialist or a neurologist because PCP's are not experienced enough regarding dementia and they tend to be very lax in diagnosing it. As posters before me has suggested, detaching from your family is wise. As long as you have POA for your mother and all the legal is taken care of, I wouldn't worry what you siblings have to say. It is easy to walk into a situation offer your opinion and tell you what you are doing wrong....but when siblings are not living what you are, doing what you are doing for your mother, their opinion has no merit in big picture. If you don't have POA, definitely see an elder law attorney before your mother is diagnosed as mentally incapacitated. Check into setting up a trust for her house (if she owns it and all her assets). Check into more than one NH or assisted living community with a memory care unit. There are always waiting lists, but if you can get your mom into assisted living, she should be first for when an apartment becomes available in memory care since she is already living there.Let us know how the results come out with the dr. appointment and how you are doing. Hugs!!

Tomorrow will my 8th day straight working (not 8 hour days). Last week I only had Thursday off. My co-worker had requested to have this coming Sat/Sun off but did not get it. However, the schedule says I requested this Sat/Sun off which I didn't. Now the schedule for next week is out and I have Mon/Tues off too. 4 days off in a row!!! I felt really bad for my co- worker and was going to give her my Sat. off because the manager wants her to work Sat. even though she made arrangements to switch with someone else. She doesn't have anything pressing she wanted to do on Sat. except she and her hubby wanted to go out on their boat. I tried to give her the day but she wouldn't take it.

What will I do with 4 days off in row, LOL!! I am hoping to go to Yosemite on Saturday because I have been wanting to go there to get some pics of Tunnel View at sunrise. Sis doesn't want to get up that early but she does want to spend the weekend there in bro's motor home. There does not seem to be a comprise and bro doesn't know our plans. Sis has not responded to my email of leaving early and staying for the one day. I can't help but feel that bro and sil need this time for themselves. Have a good night!!

amitwofemforuz is Jody

Had a really bad day with mom, she told me I didn't love her, then said its hard to get old. My heart is broken, why is it that the ones that are here for our parents get the wrong end of the deal? And the ones who are not here gets all the love. Im going to bed so I can end this day, everyone have peace in your hearts, sometimes its so hard to find Hugs to everyone

kazzaa - you are doing the right things - both detaching from your family, and getting your mum assessed. It does sound like she has some form of dementia starting. Do you have POA. Might be an idea to get all those documents in place while she is still bright enough. Several things you said hit home for me - stress from your family and your sis coming when your mum is going into respite. They just do not want to help but will believe all the stories and are patronizing, the doc misdiagnosing and the tests saying she is OK and then she set the kitchen on fire. I laughed out loud on that one - not because it is funny - it is very serious, but I have been going through the same thing. My mother who is 101 tried to fly across the country without an address to go to - just a vague idea, They wouldn't sell her a ticket then she refused to go back to her residence - so the police took her to hospital - and they have assessed her as competent. She has flaming paranoia - people are out to get her and one day she refused to eat the food in the hospital as she thought it was poisoned - but she is competent. She is misplacing money here and there - but she is competent. She confuses times and dates - but she is competent. And I am having a heck of a time finding out what the last assessment said. Mother herself today told me that the hospital told her when she was discharged that she was mentally deficient and paranoia. I feel that I have been getting the run around. Does not family who is POA need to be informed about this or do they just discharge a 101 year old women who is paranoid without any concern re family. And then when I called they basically put me off. I am a bit shocked. It is not that I have been bugging them.,
Finally today I got a hold of the bank lady and I now have access to mother's account. She had some good suggestions re dealing with too many and too big withdrawals. They cannot refuse people but e.g. they can remind them that they took out $1000 yesterday, or when asked for $1000 give then $200. She said it seems to work. They can also put a limit on the amounts spent using the bank card. I will see what mother`s spending patterns are, and we will go from there. As long as she takes the drug she is calmer for now and not as likely to do something foolish. I called mother`s Case Worker and hope she can fill me In re the latest assessment and follow up visits.
My new iPhone is charging - slowly. Hopefully it will be up and running by tomorrow. I will take mother out to lunch and help her on the new computer afterwards. I have decided on a new tactic with her, which is, firmly, to tell her the truth. She started in on the delusion about being sent away and I told her that was not true. I had to repeat it a few times and point out she had no evidence that they had a plan, I was very definite, and finally I think she believed me and she said "That's good". I told her to let it go. Now, by tomorrow, she may have forgotten, but I will keep reinforcing the truth. Going along with her, or saying nothing wasn't helping so I figured I might as well try the truth. She might have gotten mad that I was disagreeing with her -she certainly has done that in the past, but she didn't this time anyway.
Tomorrow evening I will relax over supper with a friend. I think I deserve it, and the next day back home. I am ready to stay put for a while. Hoping for some peace.

Thanks I am getting her tested but her doc seems to go by her memory tests cwhich mean nothing to me as shes a very clever woman! My friends mum had so many memory tests and scored highly then set the kitchen on fire?? The geriatrician is going to investigate the only sad thing is that we have had to go private as the nhs was too long a waiting list which is a disgrace but seems to be the way things are now. I dont understand how a diabetic with poss dementia is not seen as urgent?? her nhs apt was for july 2014? I think old people are not considered priority?

If you have only seen her primary care doc, it would be wise to take her to a neurologist. There is the possibility it may not be dementia and could be treatable. If it's depression has her doc prescribed antidepressants? If not, maybe he really isn't sure himself. To me, it does sound like dementia which can cause depression particularly in the early stages when they know something isn't right but cannot explain it either.

Thanks everyone great to be able to talk to people that understand its a very lonely place when youre dealing with this on your own!

I have had nothing but stress with my family for 4yrs now and finally things are moving my mum has been acting strange for awhile. Ive now had to go to a private geriatrician with my mum and he is sending her for a scan PHEW!! someone finally listening to me! (worth the money)!
My mum has had depression for years but since I moved home 4yrs ago ive noticed that things were not just depression related she was doing some very dangerous things like leaving front door open at night while here on her own? not washing,shopping,cooking,starting little jobs and then walks away and leaves them(what a mess) peeing on the floor in her bedroom even though the bathroom is close by? Im lucky to have bumped into a neighbour whose mum had alsheimers and having spoken with her alot she said this sounds very like how her mum was in the early stages!
My mums doc has been useless and said he couldnt discuss doc/patient with me?
anyway im finally getting there and just very stressed until a proper diagnosis is made. My mum is diabetic and has NEVER looked after herself or stuck to her diet never exercised etc... so this would not be a total shock that she may now have dementia. the signs are there but even her doc says depression? I have now decided to NOT talk to my family as it only causes me more stress and like you say wait for diagnosis then hopefully they will wake up.
My mum is going into respite next week and my sister is coming over then?? I have the most probelms with her as she beleives everything my mum says and is quite patronising in the phone so ive ignored her calls now for a few months. I do everything for mum and shes so unappreciative and selfcentred and constantly puts me down to my sis but am learning that this is the illness that they do become quite self obsessed and cant see how demanding they are.
Im not here by choice had to move back home as I lost my job then had an accident which left me with injuries but now am better and want to move on and move away from here. Obviously I want my mum to be safe and if it means a home then we have no other solution which is just heartbreaking but without 24/7 care she is not safe. The stress of all this has made me ill and my stomach feels like a huge ROCK. Looking after my mum would be so much easier if my family helped more but they just think of themselves and never consider my feelings. I just want the best for my mum so I can leave knowing shes safe.

Kazzaa~It can frustrating when family doesn't believe you. It is a common problem for family members to not accept situations. Since they think you exaggerate the situation, it may be to your benefit that they do live aboard. Negative support won't help you. Once you get an official diagnosis from the dr.,you can always mail a copy to each of with your siblings. Maybe having it on a drs, explanation of diagnoses form they will believe it. I suggest you find a support group that you can physically attend meetings as well as coming here to this site. Come back and share some more, you are always welcome.

A common family response is to think you are exaggerating, that will progress to out and out lying. At the time I came to care for my mom I wish I would have had a geriatric manager assess her needs. Another helpful thing would have been a formal diagnosis from my mom's doctor, which had not been done either. Both would have been very helpful.

Rather than continuing to make statements to your family about how you perceive mum's condition, get expert help in the form of an assessment and a doctor's diagnosis.

Hi my mum is showing signs of dementia she hasnt been diagnosed yet? my family are absolutley useless and no support they think its just depression and that I exagerate they all live abroad. k

cmag - thanks - yes, I think they are missing it. Sorry to hear about your mum. She has gone down a lot in the past few months. Boundaries are doing OK I think.

sharyn - I think they are sticking with the original care plan. What happens may depend to some extent on the re-evaluation by her case worker. I need to call her today. Supper with my friend last night was good, So happy to hear about the good news from your brother. His quality of life is improving!!! Prednisone is not easy on a person. He needed a break. Good to hear that you are liking Windows 8 more. I will need to spend some time on it eventually.

jody, you sound more hopeful about your life and future, and also about your mother doing more for herself. Hope the job works out - sounds like a very good thing for you.

((((((hugs))))) to all and have a good day.

I truly believe that God has put angels on here!!!!!
Ok, everyone thank you for the strength and the wisdom you all have, to me you are my power angels.
Allison, I try everyday for acceptance, I pray for acceptance, and at times I am at peace with myself. Because she is (one of those moms who like to watch you run your - - - for) it just takes away all my acceptance. Like today, she wanted me to put out her water so she could wash up, she was in the LR in her chair and I in my room, and she at the top of her lungs she says(any kind of help would be great)
meaning she wanted me to push her WC to the BR, She hates doing that and just stops in her tracks until I get up and do it, there goes my peace. And its so strange 've cleaned up poop for 35 years, and I cant stand to do it for my mom.But she refuses to clean or empty her potty. I can only hope that acceptance will come more often than not. Thank you for your kind wisdom.



Bookluvr., You are right, I do everything for her except wipe her - - -. When she doesn't really want to do something and I don't do it for her. She will wait for the end of the day and then demand I do what she needs, then she waits for my brother to come over and guess what ( She tells on me) I really don't care that she doe's that, but holy cow......hahaha Im trying different things to see what I can get away with, like not push her in her WC, Or get her more coffie, Or just get a glass of water. She has me thinking shes so weak, but she doe's get up at 800 and back in bed by 10;00, seems to be sleeping alot. I think she gets board and I don't always sit and talk, I try to do enough to feel like I just work 8 hrs so I can feel ok about not working. Im going to try some of the things you advised me to. Thank you Ill let you know how it goes.



Sharyn, you sound like you have so much wisdom. Just today I was looking for jobs, I think I've made my mind up to go to work at night, I applied at a company called nightingaleseniorcare out of OC. They called me for a interview. They want me to work for them when overnites are needed, its not anytime away from mom, but at least I will have my own money. Thank you for caring so much about me, it feels really good.


Margeaux, isn't it funny how we don't see our family members in ways others do.You have helped me see my mom in such a different way. I guess when growing up we all have this block about what are familys would be like and what their really like. Until you wrote me, I guess I looked at her like she was just mom, but as she gets older I don't even know who this woman in this frail body. She is all about her, I understand that, but I also understand there is two people in this house, and she really doesn't care about me, so I guess I will have to care about me. You gave some really good info, thank you so much.

And I cant wait to hear from all of you , I think you all have much to offer, and again your my angels from heaven, I hope that all of you get what you want and need at this most impossible journey we have to face in our lives.....Kudos to you all and hugs

Joan~Sorry things turned out the way they did, now back to the drawing board. You are right that another incident will happen since they are not accessing your mother properly. I hope the church lady has good boundaries so she does not get over stressed. I worried about that with "H" helping my mom since she is 92 years old. She assured me that she doesn't answer every single call my made to her, she is a very smart woman. All you can do is hang tight as things unfold. Glad you are getting some time in to visit with friends, that gives you some down time between the stress. I am getting the hang of windows 8 so I am liking it more.

We got good news today from our brother. His test results all improved...breathing tests for different situations. The dr. is weaning him off the prednisone again but they are introducing an anti organ rejection drug. This new drug will do the same thing prednisone does without side effects of diabetes and bone loss. He will, however, have to get blood work weekly to monitor his white blood cell count because the drug can lower the immune system. He is thrilled, we are thrilled!!! He called me from Yosemite Nat'L Park, he is enjoying his life, hiking and relaxing!! YAY...some good news for him and sil!

emjo, sounds like the hospital people are clueless about you mother's real condition. Prayers for you tomorrow as you interact with your mum before going home.

Two days ago was my mother's 82nd birthday. However, she was too weak to take it all in. She's still weak, sleeping a whole lot and not speaking much as she has done now since coming back from the hospital about 2 months ago.

Love, prayers and hugs for all. Keep your boundaries and take care of yourself as much as it is possible.

everyone here should watch Frontline documentary on nursing homes that was on PBS last night. It was eyeopening and sure gave me reason to feel good about what I do for my mom on a daily basis. The show is also available online for viewing.

Well, they discharged mother early this afternoon. I had a good chat with the Health and Wellness coordinator at her ALF this morning. She also thinks mother won't last long there without another incident and that the hospital team are not assessing her properly. Had lunch with the church lady who visits mother - very nice person but she is really suffering with fibromyalgia and says she is getting worse the past 6 months, so I cautioned her not to overdo it and not to let mother stress her. She says she will visit her once a week. The Health Care case worker was to visit mother this afternoon and, I think, do a re-valuation, so I stayed away and kept an early supper date with my friend of 45 year, came back to the hotel and called mother - no answer, so walked over there and knocked on her door and no answer again, so I will try again tomorrow. My cell phone died, so mother may not have answered as the hotel phone is a strange number to her, or she may have been tired or have her hearing aids out, so she wouldn't hear the phone or the me knocking at the door.
I wonder how long before the next incident - because there will be an other incident -that s guaranteed.

I have an appointment for myself tomorrow, and need to buy a smart phone -probably an iphone, and, of course visit mother. Hopefully by the time I leave she will be able to use her new computer for email at least. Wish me luck..

Just for today and at this moment all I can say regarding my personal situation is, "Really?" And politely think to myself- "wow, I'm glad I'm not you."

Okay, I've taken a breath. Now on to the next chore. One of these days I'll find time to shave my OWN armpits and legs. Might even be able to get a pedicure before summer is over.

Be well, and just breathe!

Jodi,

I completely agree with others here on the thread. If your mom is capable, which it sounds as if she is.....then maybe these are the things you might start to consider she does for herself.

I've written about a very difficult narcissistic aunt my sister was taking care of until 1.5 yrs. ago. She had many health issues. One was borderline diabetes,
but to watch her eat, one could see why. Of course she ended up in the hospital several times from infections on her feet. I remember her coming back home to mother's, where she lived. She was the type of narcissist who used every trick in the book, to manipulate my sister (who lives there). My sister had a terrible relationship w/this woman. So one day my sister called to say she was behaving as if it was very difficult for her to get to the bathroom on her own. On account of her bad behavior and the manipulation, we honestly didn't know what was true anymore. But my sister busted her. Sure, it wasn't easy for her to get out of bed , but my sister suspected my aunt was thinking it was time for the pampers. My sister just wasn't going there with her, she was so awful, and I can't say I would blame her, I wouldn't either. It was very obvious in our case, that my aunt was getting her jollies by watching everybody do things for her. So my sister had to raise the issue of she going into a nursing home, just to put a stop to some of the games my aunt was trying to employ. It worked, too!

Anyway, you have to decide whatever actions you consider would make it a more tolerable situation. I say this because you live with the woman. But this by no means should translate into she degrading you in the process, ether.

Please don't fall for the comments about, what is it I don't remember exactly but amounts to the fact that your brother and sister would do a better job, or she can't bother them; they work, etc. She's really pushing your buttons, and making you feel obligated. Heck....I would want to leave too.

Since you are bringing all of this up, it's apparent it is of major concern.
Try and step back, think about it....you do have it in you to change your situation, but it's going to take you to take that first step.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo,

So sorry to hear about the fact that your mother seems to be paranoid.
How rude that this RMCP person was making her strong insinuations about you and the financial arrangements regarding your mom's situation too. Real good,
you put her in her place! Even people who work w/in this system cross the line.
You have every right to follow up asking questions about filing the report about your mother, too. I would think this is protocol.

This lady who saw to it that your mom ate, how wonderful is she!
I certainly hope that all of the appointments, and visits go well with your mom.

I realize this is a very difficult week for you also, given it's the anniversary of Gordie's passing. You are in my thoughts Emjo!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux