The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book,

Thank you so much for the advice you gave me regarding my husband.
You are right, this widower has no right to interfere where the organization is concerned.

I hope all is well with you and your father.

The recent advice you have been giving to Jody, is excellent and I think applies to other posters here. We do need to know when to back off, because if we don't who knows to what level some of the narcissists, or people w/issues will try to take it.
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jody~I am sorry you are going through all this with your mother. She has shown you she can do these things for herself. I would suggest you put your mother in a position of having to continue to do so. It is difficult I know. When my son was little, I had such a hard time getting him to go to the next level of independence such as tying his own shoe laces, he knew how, he just wouldn't do it. I just refused to do for him and he started doing it for himself. If you do that for your mother, you would be giving her a gift. With the free time you get, you can tend to your own life like getting a part time job, volunteer somewhere so you are out of the house part of the day. It sounds like you also need some independence and a job would give you that opportunity. I know you love your mother very much, but you need to start loving yourself. Big hugs to you dear!!

We may not be able to change the facts of the past -- but we can change our perspective on the past and how we feel about the past! So, we CAN change the essence or meaning of the past -- and how that past effects our present and future!

Jody, you are doing way too much for your mother that is not necessary. She is NOT bedridden, or any major medical health issues like cancer, or any other severe illnesses. You are Babying your mother. You are doing EVERYTHING for her. Why? I understand that you love her but.... I love my nieces and nephews. When they are infants, I encourage them to crawl. I show them how to move their hands and legs. When they're learning to walk, I encourage them to crawl to the edge of the sofa, and how to pull themselves up, and then to move along the side of the sofa. Each new step, I'm there encouraging them to Do It by Themselves.

You are doing way tooo much for your mother. It's very important to back up and let her find her way back to her own 2 feet. Fear of falling? Then she will remain permanently on that wheelchair. Father fears falling, so he absolutely refuses to leave the bed - not even to the wheelchair - here at home or at the hospital. The nurse had a difficult time trying to squeeze the big bed out of the door to wheel him to Radiology department. But just because he's bedridden, I do NOT spoil him. Sis spoils him. She got to the point that she would raise or lower the bed with the remote control. Father can do that, he has a working right hand. He expected me to do it for him. I got mad and told him to do it himself. He has a working hand......Father wants me to go behind the head board of his bed, lean down, and Pull him up. The hospital people and the govt caregivers do that. I Do Not. He weighs more than me. Plus mom's dead weight - all these years - have affected my back, my shoulders, my elbows, and my neck - from pulling her up daily - 2 times a day for years. Father wanted me to do that. I said NO. You have a working right hand (he can grab the trapeze bar overhead) and I showed him to put his right foot against the right railing, and use his left leg to help push himself Up the bed. Jody...do you see what I'm trying to show you with these examples? Sister spoils him. I do not. Know when to step in and help and when to back off and let her struggle and learn to do it herself. Not Trying - is Not an option.

Maybe you can start by deciding what YOU want. What you can do and what your mom can do. I think if you're mom can still stand and walk - that if she desires to do so - she will do it. As long as you keep pampering her, she will continue to treat you "as is." Gain some independence, and your mom will know that you can walk out any time if she treats you badly enough.

I believe ..this is what is called.. Detaching and lovingly Setting Boundaries. Hmmm... I just call it "Tough Love." Whatever you decide, just know that we will not be disappointed or hurt or angry if you decide to continue "as is." Okay? You Do What YOU Have to Do. {{HUGS}} to you.

Jody- I can empathize with what its like to be caring for an aging parent who is growing more and more sedentary before your eyes. This is happening with my father, whom I caregive to full-time in his home. He has been through a lot medically in the past year and a half. Two surgeries for major skin cancer tumors on his face, leaving him somewhat disfigured and unable to close up his lips properly, and a catheter... that we just learned on Monday is permanent. I'm of the very non-expert opinion that these older people just get in a funk when they are going through much of anything, medically. And looking at who my dad was, as a person, when he WASN'T going through anything... well, he never was a "Can Do" person, period. And now? Now he's a "I can't do a darn thing" person. He doesn't even get out of his bed except for bathroom and food... so he's perfectly able to move, and do anything his heart desires, he just doesn't. And I've tried every which way of asking/begging/bribing/cajoling him to be more active and he simply isn't interested.

I now fully accept that he is going to do as he pleases, whether its good for him or not, and thats just how it is. I don't try to change him in the least anymore. My acceptance of him is a big relief to me. I did/do worry about his inactivity. But I have tried everything I can think of to get him to be more active. He just refuses. So I stopped trying and found much greater peace as his caregiver. I don't know that my choice here is the "right one" for you, of course. But I thought I would offer my story and just let you know that I understand the frustration you're feeling.

I started my letter then lost it, so ya all get the point. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away. I was saying Sharyn, she has never been depress, She broke her T10 in Jan of last year, then she fell in Oct , and broke her arm, from that point she lives in fear of falling. She doesn't walk anymore just because she s afraid. She sits in her wheelchair of chair and does nothing. I think a body in motion stays in motion, she doesn't think that's true.She is making herself older before my eyes. Then my bro got her an electric chair, she hasn't been in it yet. I understand the aging process very well, I try to tell her'. mom a'lot is aging.She has been to the ER 5 times in the last year, they never find anything wrong.

nds of me whatever she needs. We had a major fight last week about me going away for 3 days. So the next morn she got herself up, got dress, made her own bk,. took herself to the br, did everything she has me do for her. I love my mom very much, and because of me starting so young in the medical field, I always said I would never put my parents in a home, but I could change my mind because of just the way she makes me feel. Like I can do nothing right. She Im sure is depress, and this is making me depress. I cant understand why she feels so different about me, when I am the one taking care of her. I dont ask for nothing, and when I do it all goes to hell. Am I a bad daughter if I want to leave. Will she hate me because one of my siblings will have to do it. I dont know what to do, Ive been here 2/1/2 years, with no time off or money. Am I selfish if I want to leave. We cant seem to get along, and then I want to leave, then shes says stuff like ( Its just you and me till the end, SOMETIMES I think my family tries to manipulate me .

(((((((book))))) you are a trooper and a very strong lady - not many can do what you are doing

sharyn - I am reading a Cloud book on Boundaries - I think it is the same one . I like it. I was going to bring it with me, but packed another book by mistake.

juju - you are amazing -I can't imagine all the work you have to do right now with the home renos - your mum is so lucky to have you

travelled today - Gordie's 11th anniversary - made some phone calls and appointments but couldn't go to the hospital. It is the same one he died in 11 years ago. The bank lady was supposed to call me today about the POA but didn't so I have to try to chase her down tomorrow, and also one of the doctors to find out how they think their care plan for mother is doing!!! I would say they are not quite on the mark. Supper with a friend and visit mother after, . Thursday an appointment for me re hearing, It is a family problem and mine needs some attention, and maybe meet the church lady. and visit mother again I am sure there will be errands to run for mother. and so it goes.

Take care all, and remember - do something good for you!

((((((((Alison))))))) accepting the enormity of it is hard. It has taken years for it to sink for me and there is probably still some that hasn't. Your comment that your mother says she greatly loves you struck home for me. My mother would say and do very hurtful things then say as long as we love one another it will all work out., as if that absolved her of any responsibility for what she laid on others. Quite early in life I decided if that was love I didn't want any of it. Of course, I knew it wasn't love by any reasonable standard. What your mother has done and is doing is not loving. Words are easy. She says she wants to help, but she doesn't help - she interferes and churns up chaos in your life. Someone once told me that they learned that they had to stop trusting untrustworthy people. That rang a bell for me in terms of my family, And saying you have mental illness - mother tried that on me too and when she had done something dreadful which upset me she would tell my sister that I was in a funny mood again. It hurt for a while, but then got old, You are right - they take absolutely no responsibility for their own actions.
You are getting it, you are learning and, I believe that you will continue to. Yes, it does get easier with practice. And, hey, Alison, if they don't like it -so what - as long as you like it, you maintain your dignity -you do what you feel is right for you, you keep your own self respect and so on. Positive changes will bring about good - maybe not exactly what you imagine, but it will be good. It is my sense that the hurt/betrayal from your mother is deeper.
Of course you are wary - there is a lot at stake here and you are wise to be cautious. We each walk our own journey and find out own way. My prayers are with you.

((((((jody))))) quote "I gave up everything to come take care of you, she says I didn't give up anything. Why cant my mother give me the respect, that she gives to my siblings?" This speaks of a dysfunctional family and there is not a whole lot of respect within a dysfunctional family. I found I had to reach deep down inside myself to find my own self respect, which had been buried by years of abuse, before I started standing up for myself. With some people, the more you do for them, the less they respect you. My mother is like that. Dear one, you need to look after you. I agree with book -you need a job, and I will go further and say if your mum can hire someone to do what you are doing, or get another family member to do it, then let her and get a life of your own. I have found that there is not much use in explaining how you feel, Some people do not get it - they focus on themselves only.

quote "- My only thing is I want my mom to be peaceful and happy with her self in her old age. I'm starting to see that she cant come to terms with herself about getting old"

and you can't fix or change her, or anyone else, jody, you can only change yourself.

Please think ahead about your own life. No, you don't have to give up everything. You can go back to work, and build up some retirement funds for yourself - in fact you probably need to. Let go of the guilt. You would be doing nothing to feel guilty about. Who will look after you if you don't? In dysfunctional families, guilt is a tool to manipulate others. We had guilt buttons implanted onto us at an early age. FOG -fear, obligation and guilt are things we should look out for and not have drive our decisions.. In codependent relationships we put the other person's interests before our own. This is not healthy and will end up with resentment and us being martyrs. You deserve better than that, (((((((hugs)))))

If anyone is interested, I have found a couple books on setting boundaries. I am going to order them.

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and
Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries by Anne Katherine, M.A.

Jody – OMG (goodness)! You sound just like me! What your mom says to you is what father says to me – and your siblings are like mine. Father always gives excuses about my 7 siblings. Because I’m single, no children, that I’m there to be his and mom’s (before she died) slave to care for them in their old age. He has the nerve to tell me that if I want land, then I just have to marry a man with land. He said that He will pay someone if I leave. You were caretaking at age 16, I was at age 23.

Resentment with the siblings and mom WILL continue to worsen. Jody, I KNOW that I can take care of my parents much better than any of my siblings. Father keeps putting me down and just doesn’t appreciate what I do for him. I aggressively attack his stupid bedsore on his butt because he REFUSES to take turns on his sides. He has been sitting on his butt All Day and All NIGHT (yes, even at nights, he sleeps elevated on his back) for 2 years now. His Bedsore Butt is getting bigger and is bleeding now. He Don’t Care –because It’s MY problem to solve!

Jody, do you have a friend that you can go to? Maybe you can tell mom that you’re going on a trip. Pack everything that is needed for mom’s care – be it just a week. Not a weekend because your mom can behave if it’s only 2 days. Give her a week with bro for both of them to sea Text bro or call him up when you reach his home. Stay there until someone is home, and then leave. I think your brother needs a reality-check on how difficult it is. FYI, I refused to give up my job. I was willing to die of exhaustion if it means still having my job. I knew that I could never care for them without having an outside life. It’s not too late for you. Are you able to find a part-time job? Can your mom handle you gone for a few hours a day? Even if you start out as a volunteer for a hospital, clinic,etc...You will have one foot in the door.

I'm mostly asleep right now, lol, but I also keep thinking about the Self Care issues. I think there is something really good, a good deep well of strength for caregivers, inside of Self Care habits. I say this after having enacted them in my life and it making such a difference for me in my ability to handle all of my father's anger and bitterness in a more positive way.

So if I found life-changing tools inside of Breathing Exercises, and, in general, doing positive habits for myself... why is it so hard to believe that changing a few little things about how I handle myself when I interact with my mother will not also yield really great dividends? I think, for me, I just require some "digestive time." I can know something mentally and not know it, or own it, emotionally just yet. So I am waiting for my emotions to catch up to my knowledge. And this relationship with my mother strikes me as even more primal in its betrayal/hurt than the one with my father. I don't know. I do feel promising... just wary, at the same time.

I've found myself in a state of... almost stunned-like. I will tell you very readily that the patterns of behavior inside of my family relationships have been there as long as I've been alive. But somehow, this act of NAMING them... and naming them Forever Dysfunctional... has been hard on my little human brain. I go to Indianapolis this week to meet with elder attorney to begin to devise a plan for long term care for my father. This trip to Indy means visit with older bro and mom, two of my family that I just FEAR interacting with. I have so much dread and apprehension about interacting with them. BUT... I will stick with what younger bro told me and what I know, so far, works: keep my words short and succinct, do not give more ammo. As well, I called my mother today, again, and reported to her the latest on my father's condition so that a physical "visit" isn't necessary for her to feel involved here with my caregiving.

As to what my mother actually wants: its hard for me to break that down. She says she wants to help. And that she greatly loves me. But telling the neighbor I am a drug user and am "messed up," going to the local police with allegations of financial abuse, and now widely claiming to all extended family that I have "mental illness" ... and leaving me a list of Bible verses that have to do with self-control after her last forced visit... I am trying very hard to see where I have been handing over the reigns to my dignity to my mother. And I do see some of my behavior at fault. But she never sees her own actions as being a player in the bad dynamics, and THIS is where I keep having a problem with her. She takes no responsibility at all. And the blame for any temper I display is put on my shoulders in the form of - "something is Wrong with Alison." And its just too much sometimes.

So, yeah, my resolve is there. Its been a bitter pill to swallow, to realize this is the name of my problem - Forever Dysfunctional Family, and I now have to utilize the tools I have, and find more, and enact them from now until eternity, just so that I can keep from allowing my mother to hand over the keys to my dignity. But its worth it. I'm ready. Its also a bit daunting until I get the hang of it a few times. This week's trip will be another milestone. I'd really like to establish some new patterns.

I've been reading, and re-reading, and keep reading much of what is in this thread. All of you have dealt with my issues. And that gives me great comfort and strength. I will feel a lot better after I have utilized my new tools a few times and I see that things are different.

I've very much felt like "all hell broke loose" during the past several weeks, and my mom's visits from out of town. And I'm dreading the upcoming trip, like I said, since it means interacting with Dysfunctional Family. But... I'm getting through it. And I'm learning. And I think everyone here would tell me that that is ALL I can do.

I love you guys. Thank you for this thread and for your honest words. Its helping. Its not easy, but it is helping.

Jody~I took the liberty of reading your profile where you state your mother is suffering from depression. I suffered from depression for about 14 years. I must ask, has your mother always had depression, is it situational where it is brought on by situations going on in your mother's life? My mom treats me differently too. While I am more in tune with my mom's personal needs, my sister is more in tune to the materialistic. That is why we make a good a team in dealing with mom's care. I hope you share more, even if only to vent...venting is necessary and helps to relieve the stress build up. Hugs to you!!

I've only posted 2 times before but, some of you are sounding a'lot like my life. I have 2 siblings, they don't want nothing to do with my mom. I took care of my dad, my grandma, and my brother until they all passed. My dad and grandma in the same year, and brother 3 years later. When I first came to live with mom, it was such a stress full 24-7 thing. No one cared about any off time or me time. My mom had been asking for my sister, so I called crying telling her I needed a break, She would not understand at all, till the point of me saying. (don't call mom any more) of course she did it anyway. I always have said my mother treats me differently, mom says she doesn't but even my siblings see it. My sister want's me to tell her if mom is dying, that's the only way she would come. My brother works all day. My mom doesn't want to interrupt their lives at all, she says things like(well your brother works so hard) your sister works so hard) as if my 24-7 is nothing. I gave up my job, my house and everything in it. I don't get any pay from no one for my caretaking. I'm 56 yo, no money ,no job, and a mom that feels like I should be grateful for having a roof over my head, yet if I say I'm going to leave, she offers 800.00 to someone else. She says if we don;t get along ,she will go live with my brother.I say mom, I gave up everything to come take care of you, shes says I didn't give up anything.Why cant my mother give me the respect, that she gives to my siblings? I've I been doing caretaking from the time I was 16 years old, And no one has ever complained. It hurts so much the way she is with me' that I'm getting resentful with my siblings , and her. I try to tell her how I feel, and she just says ( I just cant handle it). My only thing is I want my mom to be peaceful and happy with her self in her old age. I'm starting to see that she cant come to terms with herself about getting old. I go to bed every night and pray saying ,God please give me peace and compassion, so that I might be able to make it better for my mom, and it never happens. I know I fight with myself , do I stay or Go. Then I feel guitly about that and cry. I know that no one in my family could take better care of her than I. BUT,
do you have to give up everything? I might have a good 15 years to work, get some SS behind me, maybe a couple of retirements, but I cant even get a day off. This is the hardest patient I've ever had to take care of!

sharyn, sorry about your mum, but I expect you are right that it will continue for a while. Dementia combined with mental illness is a real bummer. Dementia or mental illness on their own are bummers. I foresee something of what you are experiencing from your mum, from my mother sooner or later. G wonders if mother is swallowing her meds - maybe iv would work better. Worth following up on with the staff. When G was in hospital some years ago with a broken pelvis, they insisted that he take narcotics for the pain, and he didn't want to. so he put the pill under his tongue and spit it out later. The nurse stood there till she thought he had taken it. He said he did this for six weeks and no one found out.
anewleaf - I will say wow too. What a situation!!! I do hope that this new arrangement with your sis works out. Dysfunctional relationships sure do affect caregiving. Maintaining distance sounds like a good thing, but cutting ties altogether is scary. I have come to a point that if it is a matter of my survival, I will cut ties - whether it is my mother, my child or whomever. I know it sounds hard, but sometimes it is a matter of tough love for others and loving and caring for oneself. Take care and come back and share more.
Alison - how are you and your new resolve?
To everyone love, hugs and prayers Joan

anewleaf - WOW you have so much responsibility, (((HUGGS)) so much stress, worry. I understand

My perspective on caregiving and dysfunctional families may be a little different, because I have been the caregiver of an aging and disabled, diabetic stepfather (after the death of my mother) for a number of years, and overlapping that as a caregiver of a son from his early 20s to his death at 35 of a genetic disability. Now, as I am aging and looking at the likelihood of needing a caregiver soon, I am put often into the position of taking care of my two oldest children. The oldest, a son, has the same disability characteristics of his younger brother, and the daughter's (same origin) disease is bi-polar plus rheumatoid arthritis and some as-yet-unknown but painful diseases. Through all of these somewhat different manifestations of the same genetic disease runs a thread of increasing hostility toward those very people who love them and are trying to help - in this case, ME! My daughter, in particular, has had a very dysfunctional relationship with me since childhood, when we knew nothing about the genetic problem. We got along best at a distance. But when she went from a very-well-paying job to full-blown bi-polar mood swings which made her unable to hold down her job or get another one, and it happened to be at the same time my oldest son couldn't walk any more, had lost his job in the economic fall, and needed someone to care for him full time. I was going through a divorce and beginning retirement, but rented us all a three bedroom home and attempted to hold it together for all of us. Theoretically my daughter was supposed to be the caregiver of her brother in exchange for being provided the home. The son couldn't fix food, carry it to the table, or many times couldn't feed himself because of strong jerking. But my daughter's hostility and depressions were so great she often couldn't handle meal preparation and she spent every day in her own room, in bed. When the state no longer gave her money, and she and the son moved into their own apartment because of my need to distance myself from this drama, I provided money for gas for her car in exchange for transportation when she went grocery shopping. Now that she is finally getting her own disability check, she feels she doesn't need me any more and she spends all our time together shouting about how much she hates me and what a terrible person I am. My son also gets into this mode all to often. I have one other son who lives in another state. He and his wife and my grandsons love to see me but I can't afford to make visits anymore. Last time I visited, they asked me to come live with them - and then a week later changed their minds. I have no idea why, because there hadn't been any problems between us. I am the oldest of seven children, and all of us have this same thread of dysfunctionality running through our family relationships. Some have less problems beween husband and wife and children, but we all have some degree of unending problems with our father. Out mother was bi-polar, and dad blames all of our problems on her. To some extent I guess you could say that's true, because the genetic disease is maternally inherited, including the tendency to have psychiatric problems like bi-polar (which most of us have). But he actually says it is a learned characteristic we got from her rather than an inheritered one (nature vs. nurture) when he was the one who was the one we all had problems with, beginning with never being good enough. Now he is almost 89 and has just lost his wife to complications of Alzheimer's Disease plus a fall. No one wants to be his caregiver! He shunned me when I was my stepfather's caregiver because he hated Rick and said we didn't owe anything to him - but my mother loved him and would have wanted us to care for him. I felt blessed to be able to repay him for always being there for us like my own dad wasn't. Fortunately he is very independent and will probably try to remain independent. Right now I am trying to be part of my big dysfunctional family with so many needs while at the same time distancing myself from them to keep from getting sucked up into it. And at the same time, I am so frightened of being alone with my own health needs and the need to be loved by my children. I'm taking a giant step by deciding to live with my youngest sister - she is trying to get away from an abusive husband and her daughters told her to quit calling them because they're tired of hearing her problems. We both needed a new place to live and are going to share. Maybe a bad choice, but I hope not. While this diatribe was very disjointed, I hope I've illustrated the lengths to which family dysfunction can affects caregiving dynamics.

I had a post but AC wouldn't let me post it so I shall try again...sigh!!

Book~I am happy you are comfortable with your therapist, it is very important to feel comfortable so you can share your feelings. You are a very strong woman and I wish I had half your strength. Big hugs for you!!

Joan~It is sad thinking about the mental state of our parents with mental illnesses and how what they think is so real to them. I agree that the right drug or combination would be a huge difference, hopefully they can figure that our sooner rather than later. Wishing you a positive outcome when to get to your mother's city. Take care of you and hugs for you on this trip!!

Mom had another bad weekend with phone calls. She kept calling my sister, calling her the "B" word and SOB. As a result her phone privileges have been taken away again. I really think this is how my mom is going to continue to be for quiet some time possibly until she progresses more. This is how she is when doesn't get her own way. It is a shame that our time together can't be more meaningful instead of pushing everyone away from her. Have a good day, hope you all find some peace and rest in all busyness of caregiving. Hugs!!

Book - You are most welcome. I am so glad the you are comfortable with the therapist. I agree with her assessment of you. Hope the exercises help you. Avast would be too much for your old machine, but the "Wise" ones would likely be OK. and also Super AntiSpyWare. You really need an antivirus program, I use AVG (free download) on the little old pocket size computer that G uses and it seems to be fine. It is a very low power machine and slow.

Mother's paranoia is progressing I got call from Megan (mother’s church friend) yesterday that mother thought she was being discharged back to her ALF, and she was panicking about it. In fact, it was not true, She is still in hospital. Yesterday, Megan visited her and found that mother thinks they are poisoning her food and would eat nothing, even the Ensure which is in a can. They had given mother something to calm her down and she was somewhat woozy. Megan took her to eat in the cafeteria, thankfully. To date, the drug they have her on is not helping the paranoia. I hope to speak with the doctors when I am down there week to see if they still think their plan will still work. I believe if they can find the right drug or combination of drugs, her quality of life will improve. I question that returning her to the her ALF is a viable option. It is sad to think of her like this.
Wish me luck!

Hi Everyone!

Hi Joan, thanks for the tips on the computer and Self Care. I have several of your nice tidbits. I have even posted one of your helpful tips to another poster. It was the Detach/Setting Boundaries that I copied/pasted. She was very grateful. .. As for the computer, oh my....my computer is Very Under Protected!!! It's an old laptop. I don't know if it would be able to handle downloading all those programs. I have a Malware that's on my desktop but I never used it.

I attended the assessment therapy session. I felt very comfortable with the therapist. When done, she just didn't know where to start in our next session. Let's just say that she said that I'm a very strong woman and that she's surprised that I'm alive today. That what I'm doing with the parents are 300 times more than most people would do for them. Violent childhood, etc.... My homework is Journaling, Gratefulness and Exercise. Struggling the most with exercising. I'm just so tired all the time. Well, I skipped it yesterday, so I will Have to do it today. Boring....

Thanks for the info and everything.

Extreme Self Care
1. Reduce stress. Get rid of whatever is causing emotional or physical stress in life - be ruthless is necessary. Also avoid extremes as much as possible - heat, activities, emotions, anything stressful.
2. Resolve any ongoing tensions – go to counselling if necessary.
3. Get a thorough medical to rule out or treat any conditions like thyroid imbalance, pre-diabetes, diabetes, high blood pressure, infections etc.
4. Exercise, as you can, but not to the point that you tire too much.
5. Healthy diet – may differ from one individual to another, avoid processed food, preservatives, additives, artificial sweeteners, as much as possible. Eat mainly for nutrition; but have some healthy "treats".
6. Sleep - adequate sleep. I found this one very difficult, but it can be worked on it. I sleep in the daytime if I feel I need it.,
7. Rest - I listen to my body and rest when I am tired until I feel better. Sometimes that is a lot of rest.
8. Supplements – Vitamin D for sure and more if you feel you need them - not just vitamins, but herbals
9. Read and inform yourself about your stressors and techniques that help
10. Be patient with yourself and persistent –this situation didn't develop overnight, and won't be resolved overnight.
AND
do something good for you each day! Love and hugs Joan

Well, the games continue. We had a good few days in Montreal and then back to a frantic phone call from the church friend of mother's this morning. Mother was in a panic as she thought they were discharging her. Turns out they aren't, but this poor lady fell for it and was rearranging her day to help mother. I told her to learn about narcissism. This lady has fibromyalgia, and the stress from trying to help mother will not be good for her.

I travel down to mother's city Tuesday to finalize bank stuff, visit mother and do what else I can, then back Saturday and am distancing myself again. Got pretty aggravated at the RCMP who first said I should file a report about mother and 5 phone calls and some confusion later, I was told a report had already been filed and what was my problem. Also mother's lawyer suggested I create a small joint account with mother and then proceeded, in quite a personal way, to tell me I couldn't use it for my own expenses and she was worried that my creditors could affect it. So I set her straight - I don't carry ANY debt for more than a month, my house and car are paid off etc. etc. ( I didn't work till a couple of years ago for nothing) and I thought I was in more jeopardy than mother was considering that mother gave her credit card number out on the phone, though fortunately realised and cancelled it at the bank. The next time, if there is one, she may not realise! Also that I was spending $1000's of my own money this summer as other times travelling to do things for mother. Aaargh. Just what one doesn't need with everything else.
I got caught up with sleep in Montreal and saw the Botanic Gardens - lovely. This weekend I am shopping, cooking, doing laundry etc to have some food in the house for G, though he can fend for himself if he has to, Friday, I got to a new doc for prescriptions and will pick them up today, so will OK in that area for a while. I am tired and this week won't help that but I will rest when I need to and walk again which helps me to relax. Rain here today but should be mainly good next week.
This is a tough week for me with the 11th anniversary of Gordie's death on Tuesday and I have been feeling it since we returned from Montreal. Good thing G is away with the horses again as he is stressed from business crises and me from my stuff and I don't have much to give him right now. Some business bigwigs are coming up the beginning of the week to deal with the issues that could shut them down for 6 months. He offered to drive me to the airport which I appreciate, as he is escorting the visitors that day.
Well, that my vent.
Thankfully through this my fibro has been minimal, and my gut is behaving, and obviously my energy is coming back.
Alison I have not forgotten about extreme self care - need a bit of that right now but can't follow it for a while. Number one is to reduce stress in your life and be ruthless in doing so. I will post below.
Take care all, and be good to you

lady - how very difficult for you -you can't fix unhappiness or loneliness for anyone else. Has your mum always tended to be like this? If she is narcissistic, you will never please her, and trying becomes destructive to you. As the others have said,. detach so that it doesn't bother you as much and set boundaries. There are sites on the internet about narcissism - google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers - and about detaching and boundary setting Here us a good quote from one site re boundaries.
ASSA stands for:
ALERT the person that you want to speak to them. For example: "I want to talk to you about the way you have been yelling at me in front of other staff recently." Notice there is no blaming or emotional language at this point.
STATE your grievance by telling the person what the problem is. "I'm not happy with you shouting at me." Tell them why it's a problem. "It makes me angry and I think it makes you look unprofessional in front of other staff and customers."
SELL the benefits of them behaving better. "In future, if you have something to say to me, it'd be better for you to talk rather than shout, and do so privately. This will make you appear more professional and improve my morale, as well."
AGREE. Seek agreement for doing things differently in future. "Can we agree that from now on, you refrain from shouting and if you ever need to speak to me again, you do it away from other people?" If they agree, then remind them of their agreement if ever they renege on it. All you'll ever have to do in future is remind them of what they agreed.

Many tools are available and with "difficult "people we need to learn them. I gather your mum is of sound mind and her problem is diabetes -and a bad attitude!
Good luck and come back and let us know how you are. Venting helps the frustration and seeing that others deal with the same helps self esteem. ((((((Hugs))))

book -(((((hugs)))) as long as it works for you -we are individuals and no one's situation is quite the same as another's Hope the counseling that you do do does what you want it to. You remind me of my ex who was sexually abused as a child and who had the anger/ruthlessness you describe, and the sense of self preservation

Alison - it is something when you realise that, due to a certain situation you are not the person that you know inside and then it is certainly time to make some changes. Good for you!

re keeping computers clean, I use CCleaner and Super AntiSpyWare weekly as well as WiseDiskCleaner and WiseRegistryCleaner, And Avast for virus protection. I think I have an automatic defrag set so don't worry about that. Together it works well.

cmag keep us updated in your mum's condition. She has declined.

Margeaux -the situation with your hubby's bf is distressing. I agree with the others - he should go and it is none of the controlling widow's business what happens in that group! Oh my goodness! Glad your mum and sis sang Happy Birthday for him!

sharyn - hope your mum settles down soon. It is difficult when they are unhappy,

Love and hugs to all

Ladysport~Your situation is difficult especially since you live with your mother. As suggested by Margeaux, detaching and setting some boundaries with your mother will be helpful. She really needs to be around people in her own age group and I know that is easier said than done because many elders who become depressed and expect their children to provide all their needs, seem to have an attitude that they don't want to be around "old people". There seems to be a fear of abandonment with many older people so they cling to their children. You need to have your "space" because your needs are important too. The senior center usually has activities as well as senior living communities that you might check into for your mother. Just take her there one day and stay for a couple hours with her, there maybe people there she knows. Maybe someone can come by the house to be a companion for her so you can get out and do some things for yourself. Take care and hugs to you!!

Ladysport,

WOW!. My sister moved in about 4 years ago to take care of mother and her narcissistic sister. Mom and her sister used to be very involved in a senior center, until they could no longer drive.

So now any social....was all left in the hands of my sister. She's got a full time job. For awhile, my sister on some weekends used to see to it to take two elderly women who were dependent upon walkers out to eat as an outing and distraction with the assistance of her wonderful boyfriend.

But as time passed this became harder because especially my aunt's immobility like walking became very difficult as she had borderline diabetes and a heart condition so walking was a big challenge. Plus our aunt was very unappreciative and demanding always complaining and abusive.

When I'd hear about all of this, I started to tell my sister that although she lived with them, I didn't feel that my sister owed it to them to overdo these outings, or feel such obligation to provide the social for them. Besides, we inherited the care of our aunt because she didn't have her own kids, so what's up w/that! She took high maintenance to another level.

I started to call both mom and her sister cling ons. They psychologically speaking never knew how to really entertain themselves and have always depended upon others to meet their social needs. Then, in this case they never seemed satisfied, nor grateful.

I know you do more than enough for your mom, so that should never be the issue, and I hope she isn't taking you down the guilty path. Our aunt did this, in a very bullying way. Mom didn't, just went along because she's the one who has the ALZ. But with my sister....there's another ingredient.
She's a controller and a co-dependent. So she ends up falling into the guilty trap, too. But finally my sister had some major fights w/our aunt and much of the social w/my sister's input came to a halt.

It is interesting also, because when mother was younger, she always hung out with her sister. The co-dependent relationship she had with her, determined the lack of an authentic relationship we'd ever have w/our own mom. So all I can say is I love my mom, and I didn't like her sister. Hence, basically my distaste for the sister.....there was no way in China I was going to do any social w/them, if it involved her sister, which it would because mom wouldn't go out of the house unless she had that battle ax, (my name for her sis), in tow.

This is why I started to refer to them as the cling ons..

The battle ax died 1.5 yrs. ago. After that, mom started behaving just as you describe your mom. On occassion, mom asks my sister where she's going, when my sister goes upstairs and is trying to get things done around the house.
This drives my sister nuts. I'd be nuts too! But I did tell my sister that she was going to have to stop paying so much attention to mother also. She did this,
and mom stopped behaving this way.

This is where detachment comes in, which is what we talk about here on the thread. So I encourage you to try to find a way to set some boundaries.
Austin's idea is great. You and she need some constructive time away from one another. Sure, you're her caregiver, but that doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. I'm not going to tell you to be loving, because you already are. Be firm!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ladysportstr, I imagine you have a dog at home? Or do you take it with you when you go to classes? We just got a dog, a 7 year old golden retriever. What a great distraction she is turning out to be for my mom who never had a dog in her life!

allisoBo - just catching up..
loved this post "The thing is, she's ALWAYS SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's been APOLOGIZING to me my whole damn life!
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you did VERY Well!