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Margeaux, please tell your husband that he should go to the tribute of his best friend. Please tell him:
1. That his hands were tied when he tried to see his friend while still alive. He tried his best Several Times but bf’s wife prevented him to be there for his friend.

2. His bf’s wife was never truly there being supportive of the organization. Therefore, she truly has no say on this. (Please emphasis to him on this.) She has no true rights to have a say since she never was there supporting/attending the organization.

3. This Tribute is FOR HIS BEST FRIEND and HIS LOVE for HIS BEST FRIEND. His bf’s wife has NO Right to Stop Him THIS TIME on His giving Tribute to His Best Friend. If hubby Allows the wife to Win on this by giving in to her Unreasonable Demands (tell hubby that he is giving tribute to his friend – what is there for wife to be Against THAT. Therefore it is Unreasonable for her to demand this of him.), He Will Regret It because This Time it is Hubby that is stopping himself from being there for his best friend.

4. And if you have the gumption to tell this to hubby and please do not water it down: Wife had the nerve to Stop hubby from seeing best friend. Why is he now going to back down from wife when it is now HIS own home ground. All the times, he gave in to HER. This is one time, he should Stand Firm For His Best Friend. She had her say, Now it’s your Hubby’s turn to have his say on his home ground (organization.)

And if you prefer, then tell him that I told him so! =)
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LadySportstr,
Was your mother a pretty good mother in the old days, or has she always been difficult?

When she says she is just venting, she is probably telling the truth. When she says she is not happy, and attacks you for leaving, can you try to ignore the attack? Can you just soothe her for being lonely and bored and afraid while you were away? You are the adult here. She is really more like a small child with a big vocabulary, having a tantrum. She has no realistic perception of the passage of time. You ARE justified to go out and have a life, and you DO take good care of her.

Can you apologize without taking guilt or blame? "I'm sorry, mother, I guess I was gone a long time. Did you miss me? You must have thought I wasn't coming back. I'm sorry you are upset. You know I love you, and I will always come back." Add in hugs and kisses. Try for a mindset where you are happy, because you just did something you like. You are happy and strong, so you can stand to listen to her sadness, because it will be over soon. You care that she is unhappy, but you don't take it to heart.

Can you make Your arrival at home a little easier by having some sort of treat for her - food or music or a flower or a DVD - to take her mind off the way you cruelly neglect her? She does feel very bad to be alone. She should get sympathy, and maybe a bribe to comfort her. She should not get you to blame yourself, or even to believe for a minute that you shouldn't go out.

Easy to say, and hard to do. Keep coming here for support.
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Lady I am so sorry for what you are going through-try detaching as much as you are able-spend time in another room when ever you can-try not responding to her verbal attacks-I know it is not easy -my husband was verbaly abusive and I had to learn to just walk away and even at time pertended I could not hear his rantings-she wants to argue-she probably is narcisstic and you will never be able to get her to admit she is the one who is wrong-take her power over you away from her-she should not be able to decide how you should act-it is very hard because you want to have her appreciate you-it won't happen-you have to be the one to help yourself-been there.
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Lady get her to the local Senior Ctr...Even if you have to trick her or if she is kicking and screaming! She needs an outlet and that can not be you....
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My family is dysfunctional in that my Dad deserted us all years ago, leaving scars that are manifesting in different ways. Now that I am the sibling (with 2 older brothers that empathixe but don't coem to help) taking care of my 80 year old Mom, she resents any trips I make out of our house without her. I sold my own car when I moved in so as to not have the added financial burden of upkeep etc on 2 vehicles. Now when I come home, she rails and yells about how many days I take her car (I train dogs, my ONLY outlet)...and when I explain that I am doing my best to make BOTH of us happy she gets very angry and says only I am happy and she is lonely. (I am living with her and spend all free time with her when i am not with my dog classes). Once the smike clears she says she is just venting, but I am starting to feel like when I was trapped in a controlling marriage and can't go thru that again. I am at a loss how to make her understand that I cannot lose myself again but it doesn't mean I am not there for her and there to be her rock. I have several illnesses myself that manifested during my horrible marraige and don't need a flare up due to this stress. Help anyone on how to communicate my need for some sort of normal life aside from watching her sleep in front of the tv! Thanks in advance! Jeanne
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Margeaux~I didn't realize they already had the burial. Yes, it is too bad she is taking things out on your husband. It is hard enough for him to say goodbye to a dear friend without the wife targeting your husband. I would be a mad dog too.

Hugs and positive thoughts for the days ahead!!
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Sharynmarie,

As I've said, I think he should go, after all the tribute is to and about him.
Yes,, I don't know about he giving his sympathies to her, we already did that the day of the burial. I personally think he already did enough on that end.
Even though she's a widow and all of that, I think she's behaving very badly, there's no reason for this at all, namely the defamation.
Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Jinx,

Thank you! O.K., will do. I'd been somewhat avoiding the whole subject with him,
poor guy he's been kind of moody lately, and I understand why.
This woman...I just don't know, and really in 11 yrs., I've been in the picture I can honestly say, that she never accompanied her husband as other wives of the guys have in this organization to various events. I only really remember 2X's we were at their home.

As I said they've a 14 yr. old son, his current age. When he was younger her absence re: the organizations various events was always that she didn't want to get a baby sitter for their kid, who at that time was younger. She IMO, has been an overly protective and possessive mother. The one time I somewhat talked to her at their home, their kid wasn't there. She suddenly asked me whether I wanted to go w/her to pick their boy, and I said o.k. So I got into her car and thought we were going out of the neighborhood. She drove down their street about 3 houses from theirs, and the boy got into the car. At that time he must have been about 11. WOW! I thought, that was really weird. I'm guessing only because I really had super few opportunities to be around her, but just thinking she must be a real control freak. For the person her husband was though, I'm sure she couldn't exert this kind of control over him. But once he became defenseless, dependent upon her....the control over him possibly was unleashed. This is the only thing I can think of.

In any case, I think he should go, because if he doesn't he empowers her too.
Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux~Oh I forgot, my mom never had an afghan at the community. She thinks she did have one and this lady took it from her.
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Margeaux~I am sorry your husband's friend passed away. It has been a difficult situation for your husband. He should go, give his sympathies to the wife if they should have contact and leave it at that.

Loved your post about your mother singing happy birthday to your husband,LOL!!
Have a great weekend.
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Margeaux,
Tell your husband that this entire uproar is coming from the wife. It is no reflection on him or on his friendship with his friend. The wife is crazy. Just plain crazy, or crazy with grief. Tell him I said to go, and just avoid the wife.

"Tell him I said to go?" Well, it sounds narcissistic, but he might listen more to some stranger than to his wife. I hate to think that he would miss this chance to honor and remember his friend. Life isn't simple or easy.
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On the good side: On my husband's birthday, my sister called. She has a camera on her cell. So she and mom sang Happy Birthday to my husband. Right after, my husband got an encore by mom singing alone. She remembered the entire song, but my sister had to remind her of my husband's name. Then, before they hung up,
my mom said, "I know I sang Happy Birthday, but whose birthday is it?" Boy, we all broke out laughing, and it was cool to be able to see one another. We also got to see the two baby's. It was interesting to see the 1.5 yr. olds expressions of confusion and wonderment through the lense. He looked very confused to hear our voices. It was great! Just what my husband and I needed.
We will go there this weekend, to see mom and my niece's newborn.

Upping my positive.....Margeaux
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The last month was rather tough over here. I hadn't wanted to write about it. I kind of shut down a bit because I was just trying to manage my overwhelmed feelings.

Remember I had posted about how my husband's friend was in Hospice for Cancer? They had a 24 yr. friendship, aside from participating in an organization together. After this man went into Hospice, of course he stopped answering emails and was out of touch. So much so, that his wife was handling communications with very few friends. My husband made several attempts w/her to see whether he could go visit the friend. By this point in time, I knew that it would be their last goodbye. The wife wouldn't allow it. My husband did push about it one last time, and she very adamantly protested. I told him after that to leave it alone, explaining how hard it must be for her at this time.

She had an unexpected trip out of the country since her mother is very ill.
While she was away, another friend called my husband and arranged for my husband to see their friend, w/friend's consent. So at least my husband saw him,
then two weeks later he passed away. The organization they all belong to, has lost a big man. He was also a great person. May his spirit soar very high!

So after the burial, the organization is planning a tribute for him, to be held in Aug.
I know that my husband wanted to participate in this, and possibly be one of the speakers at his tribute. But, my husband found out through the friend who arranged the "last goodbye," the organization had a meeting. The wife was there.
Some of the other members suggested my husband's name, and wanted I guess to know why he wasn't invited to the planning of the tribute. Apparently, the wife told people at this meeting that she didn't want my husband to participate. She's really not part of this organization, nor has she ever been involved in it during her husband's life.

I've been with my husband now for 11 yrs. Never in this time, have I ever been aware of any tension between my husband and his deceased friend that would warrant this behavior by the wife. It was all the opposite! I'm not going to lie, this made me made mad dog. I know this hurt my husband deeply, then he's not good w/emotions. To make matters worse, it's like someone else is coming into the organization my husband is very active in, and defaming him.

Of course, now some things fell into place, the fact that she was so adamant about my husband not going to see his friend. Of course, now I'm dealing with my husband doesn't want to go to this tribute. I think, we should still go. I know his ego is definitely bruised here also.
Then my husband just had his birthday this week. It was a very quiet birthday, and I was doing everything in my power to keep it together for him.
Oh this last Mercury Retrograde, really was hard! I think we've still been feeling it too with many disruptions in communications.
Margeaux
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Thanks, Margeaux. I'm glad you found my poems helpful. Mom's eating has declined again to the point the CNAs basically have to feed her. She can no longer hold a cup and drink without spilling it on herself. So, they give her a child's cup with a straw, but even that is difficult. She was talking more before the twisted bowels and now hardly any at all. She used to be able to sit up in a wheel chair, but that is now out of the question. She's basically sleeping or keeping her eyes shut which she done since she got out of the hospital. I'm sure her body will be glad to be free of that kidney stone.

Unlike yesterday, it is going to be very hot today. So, I've been outside this morning getting various things done.

Love, hugs and prayers for all.
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Cmagnum,

Your poetry is very inspirational. I read it again this morning, and it made me feel good, because they give one hope.
Thank you for sharing them with us,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Bookluvr,

Good for you that you listen to your conscience.
We all have a part of ourselves that can be scary. It's the shadow side of the self.
You've learned how to step back, observe and not just let the emotions get the better of you.
I think that not everyone is comfortable bearing their souls, or their past whether it be here, or to a therapist. I know I'm not, and I'm o.k. with that. If you are one day, you'll know and address it. Meanwhile.....you handle all of this quite well. I might add that I feel you have come a very long way, since you first came to this website.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Cmagnum,

I am so sorry about the cancellation for your mother's surgery.
It is stressful enough just anticipating a procedure as such.

You know Cmagnum, prior to mom's gall bladder surgery a couple mos. ago,
her eating was becoming very little if any at all. She was also sleeping a lot. After the surgery, it's now about 3 mos. since she had it, and things somewhat leveled out. There is an overall improvement.

Well, I certainly hope that your mother's condition will improve once the stone is removed, and sorry for the added delay you've had to endure.
I will keep you and yours in my thoughts!
Stay strong my friend, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Just before I downloaded my files into the Click Free External, I went online, and cleaned my cache (Tools, Delete Browsing History). Is that it? I use the regular internet browser "e" and Internet 8.

I haven't Defrag my laptop in a while. I should also delete some of my manual files that I rarely use. Help free up my space. Thanks, ABB!! I have to go now and change pampers.
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Duh, book, I'm so silly... you are so resourceful with searching stuff online... search how to delete all your temporary internet files... all the cookies, spyware type stuff... you may have to reenter usernames and passwords into websites, but small price to pay for keeping the clutter off our computers.
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Book, which version Windows do you use, and which browser? I can find out how to clean out your temporary Internet files. These aren't anything you made and it's not when you save favorites. But it does clog down one's computer and is something that you can clean up.
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ABB, when you say to "regulary delete all internet files" , what do you mean? Is it my files that I made from Word or Excel? Or when I go online and have all these "favorite" sites?
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And YES, mama book, its 5:30 here and I should be asleep, lol! =) I had an unexpected night out, and now will have a challenging Friday because of the late hours, but that's ok... ;D
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Book, good idea to back up the files. Another idea for you is to regularly delete all Internet files, and have an installed anti-virus software that is regularly updated. The heat is pretty normal but you're doing good to try to keep it cooler. I have a newer Mac laptop and even it gets warm from time to time. I'm pretty Nazi-ish about keeping it clean from extra unknowns. ;D
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Book, I guess what I was trying to say in my last post was if You Want to bring some of the heavier things on your heart here... to this thread... I know everyone would try to give you some pointers and pieces to your puzzle. You already know of course that you can vent away... you have a lot in your heart... I know that... take it to your therapist or bring some of it here. Nothing is as bad as we think it is once we put it in the light... But it will have repercussions for a time.
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Thanks Jinx, ABB. Have a lousy headache. And still need to pay bills.

By the way, ABB, my laptop has this sticker on it. Powerful Intel Core 2 Duo Processor. I've had it for about 6 years now. My very first laptop crashed within a year. I Googled about it and found out that I needed to get a fan or elevate it so that the air flows move below it. So, with this new laptop, I'm using TWO protections. Bottom is the elevated tray. Then on top (between the bottom tray and the laptop) is the fan. It's still getting hot so I figured it's getting old and is ready to retire. I've recently used the Click Free external Hard drive to copy into it my photos and documents and Calibre files. I think.... I don't know how to use it. Oh well.... later...
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Thanks for the support, and encouragement to stay involved here. I do think at some point since I just had my major breakthrough since joining hear in May that I will still have waves of pain and ptsd once this honeymoon period wears off so I will stay here....but I just skimming now I am literally swamped, lol, Our home is under a major water damage repair, since last Friday. I had to pack up and move to a hotel and been crazy ever since! I lost the whole week just moving (in the heat) and keeping mom cool and taken care of, and managing these morons packing my home! what a nitemare I am thouroughly exhausted!!
Hang in there, love to you all!
Peace,
Juju
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Oh, book, btw, whether you get therapist or not, keep venting as much or as little as you want about the crappy family stuff here on DYS thread. This is a good thread for people like "us." ;D
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Hmmm. What you said makes sense to me, Jinx. A lot of what we did/do is a response to threat, perceived or real. I'm so aware right now that I got into certain emotional patterns of behavior very young, and they were developed to help me handle all the chaos and bad feelings being brought up in me... to protect me, like you said.

Now that I'm "all grown up," I feel very empowered to re-visit these emotional/behavioral patterns and get rid of ones that I don't want and don't serve any purpose anymore in my fabulous life as Adult Alison. But, book, you've been in your "childhood home situation" for a long time, haven't you? So don't be hard on yourself about why you feel the emotions you feel. They ARE there for a reason.... your survival, like Jinx said.

I think the reason I'm so ready to deal with these emotions now is that I understand, from being "away" for some time, that these feelings have little to do with the person I really am. Book, I hope you get the chance someday (soon! lol!) to have a life away from your dad and realize that you, Adult Karen, aren't just the little girl you were conditioned to be because of your surroundings/parents. And you aren't just the person that your island, or your religion tells you you are, either. YOU can decide and interpret for yourself what those emotions and feelings mean. And just by virtue of your being involved in these threads, I think the rest of "us" KNOW that you are a really great, fabulous, wonderful, decent, kind, caring, thoughtful, feeling, empathetic, soulful, beautiful person. But this doesn't matter until you know it, too. So I hope you are able to get some therapy, and I hope this time the therapist is able to help you find your way through some of this rubble that is just leftover feelings from a bad childhood.
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Bookluvr -
That part of you that says "aim for the head" is a part of you that wants to survive. That part has helped you survive. You are right not to let it hit anyone, but you might occasionally thank it for trying to protect you.

I'm sorry your life is so hard. The more I learn about other families, the more grateful I am for my own.
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Emjo...my oldest sister went for counseling. She didn't finish it because the remembering was getting too traumatic for her to handle. She quit without finding an end or solution to handle this great hatred/anger towards the parents. She basically cut off communication for over 13 years. She visited but did not talk to them or look at them. I remember seeing the hatred in her eyes. When I asked her for help 2 yrs ago with the parents, I did not think she would agree.

I have a very very bad temper. I've struggled all of my life to control it. Let me just say this....I am soooooo glad that I have a very super sensitive conscience. I do my best to LISTEN to my conscience. I RARELY goes against my conscience. If one keeps ignoring your conscience, you deaden it. And so I Listen to my conscience. Because Emjo, there is a part of me that survived my childhood that is Very Heartless. When I lose my temper, all of conscience disappears. While growing up, when cornered by my siblings, my sensitive person retreats, and the ruthless person comes out. I have experienced it several times when I was watching my actions from within. The scary part was from within, is the intense fear disappears, and I can hear myself thinking Very Calmly, with No Anger, over and over.."Aim for the head, aim for the head. You do not feel the punches. Just aim for the head." ... and there are other incidents that made me realize how it is very very dangerous of me to have any anger/hatred towards family or strangers. I Do Not Want the Ruthless Person to Come Out!!! Emjo, I do not want to spend the rest of my life in prison. As long as I maintain my temper/anger/hatred, I'm Fine. Hence my need for counseling to help me handle the home front and not have the anger build up. Truly, I am sooooo greatful that I have a super sensitive conscience.
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