notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I don't know much about your mother, but I understand that she is difficult but wants to be close. Would it be possible for you to tell her that you want to be friends with her, but not have her in your house? If you just met her for lunch, maybe you two could enjoy each other as people, not as mother and daughter.
Just a suggestion, which is probably off the mark.
I just want to say that sometimes people confuse the idea of detaching as cutting your family out of your life. This is not what it means. It means that you detach emotionally from your abusive family members and setting boundaries is essential in detaching. I started detaching from my parents in my twenties. I continued to have a relationship with them but it was not an emotional relationship...it was more like a business relationship. This allowed me to think more logically instead of emotionally. I had to do this because my mother would try to bring me into her and my father's fights which were partly alcohol related and then my mother (even today), can't accept people making normal mistakes...she excepts other's to be perfect, yet if she makes a mistake, it is understandable, she is only human.
Scmoombeam~Your post is a beautiful tribute how you have been able to over the dysfunction of your family of origin. I am happy to hear that you have made peace with the past and how you have been able to provide such loving care to your mother. It is a hard journey, isn't it? A big Hug for you my friend!!
i would like to add, with no disrespect to your journey....honoring our parents can be different to different people. I much say that in all the years I went to church, participated in adult classes, the subject of honor our parents was never covered. That is a shame!! To me, honoring my parents means that I have past as little of the dysfunction on to my children as possible. It means that I can caregive for my mother, who is not only mentally ill, but has Alzheimer's as well. I like you, cannot live with my mother or she with me due to her mental illness, which does continue to come to the surface. I honor my mother by seeing that she gets the best care available, being involved in her life, teaching my children to do the same...but boundaries are still necessary. Even though I am emotionally detached, I love her. I want the best for her, and yes, I still cry many times because I am still healing. I want to thank you for letting me post this because it has been therapy for me. Again a big hug to you and all you have gone through and are still dealing with.
But I don't think we ever truly LEAVE dysfunctionality, do we? Once we are born into it, conditioned with it... and if you've learned to move beyond it, this IS the very thing I, personally, can benefit from hearing about.
So just wanted to reach out to you and encourage you... that if you feel that you WANT to participate still in this thread, I can only benefit from reading about how you learned to cope and overcome in your situation. ;D
would you mind if I posted this on my fb page, or sent it in a private message to my children? Your beliefs/situation seems similar to mine, and I want my children to see that they CAN come out of this situation with love and their faith in God intact, instead of blaming him and being full of anger. Please let me know, because I don't want to offend you if you don't want me to pass this along.
Thanks, and hugs to you!
Kristi
I don't say this to be cruel or disagree but because of how important is to God. But, it does not mean we are to be abused or live with toxic parents. There are many ways to honor. And to me it is like God says we are to Love the Sinner but Not the Sin. And I believe we each know how to honor without being expected to be the primary caregiver. That is up to each personal circumstance and family situation. Some can live with their children or parents while I cannot. But, I will help my mother in any other way I can. I am not a Myrta and realize although I love my mother but know we could never live together. Our relationship has been too toxic.
But coming from a Dysfunctional and alcoholic family made me bitter and allowed me to blame my parents for more than their share of responsibility. I said I would never be like them, yet I made some of the same mistakes, as well as, my own. I have learned in later years how dysfunctional their own family was and how we are a product of our environment. I was not beaten but was lived in a very toxic and negative home. There was drinking and fighting and I did not get love the way I needed it. They found fault with everything I did and I could seem to do nothing right. I was ashamed of our home and did not have many friends until I was grown and on my own.
To honor our parents is to be thankful for giving us life and trying to love them the best we can and help them when we can. It does not mean living with them or them with us in a toxic environments and when it is too rough some must totally detach. We have to try and forgive and love them for making sure we had a roof over our head and food to eat. My mother is narcissistic and a difficult person to love and my father had a terrible temper, which I work on every day of my life so not to be like him. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was only 23 yrs old because he had a stroke and would not give up drinking. But, I still miss him after all these years. My mother and I just made peace two years ago but I always tried so hard to "Make her Love me" when she was not capable of showing affection and I am highly affectionate. We never seemed to agree on anything until she has become like the child and I am responsible for her but never could I allow her to live with us. I have helped support her but could never live with her.
Things are not perfect with us but much better and I think I understand why she is like she is now and this helps me to understand she does not like the way she is either. So, I try to honor and love her and have forgiven her as God has forgiven me. I do hope those of you who still carry the angry and bitter feelings will try and understand why I feel I should honor my mother as God commanded. She took care of my grandfather, her father. He lived with us from his late fifties until he passed away at 84 and mother is 91 so I can see her long life as a blessing from caring for her father who was dysfunctional as well.
Unconditional Love and Forgiveness are the most wonderful gifts we possess. Especially when we allow God to help us and show us the way to true peace and joy in our lives in spite of what happened to us as children. And I am happy that I no longer feel the anger and blame and bitterness I did all my life. I am trying to take responsibility for my own actions, faults and mistakes and understand my parents did the best they could under their circumstances.
We can dwell on the past or let it go, but if we can forgive, we are the winners of life's most difficult situations. I wish each of you the power of healing from within and love it takes Unconditional Love to forgive and move forward. Onward!
My love and prayers are with each of you who are still struggling with these most difficult situations we have faced and will continue to face in our day to day lives. Life will never be just what we want or perfect, but it can be so much more peaceful without the hate, blame and bitterness we have all experienced in dysfunctional homes. My love and prayers are with each of you.
Sunny:)
I'm doing fine. Mom's kidney stone is scheduled to get busted at 8:45 am which is much better than 5:45 am. The stone is 2 centimeters long which is big. She is very, very weak and hardly talks at all now. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.
My mother does'nt feel like she should pay me, because after all, I have a roof over my head,and I don't have to pay rent. I said I would be happier in my car. My mother is the most rudest person I've ever met. She can smile and be happy with my brother or sister, but with me, no smiles no happiness ever. This is the hardest job I have ever done. And I've been in nursing since I was 16. I know I do a good job , and I know I will never get kudos, and thats ok, but It breaks my heart that she cant be happy with me. No one else in this family will do what Im doing. Any thoughts , I would love some feedback. Thanks everyone for understanding.
Warmly Jody M
How are you doing?
I read about your mom having the kidney stone.
I will keep you and your's in my thoughts!
Please let us know about her progress.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
but there are scars there. I had said before, I left home at 15 to get away from her and all the crazy of my bro n dad. Once I began that adult life journey I came to realize her abusive behavior was purely frustration and depression of dealing with my Father n bro's who had serious issues and I chose not to live in that manner I separated myself from them...
I feel like I am not worthy to post her as I do not deal with dysfunction anymore
but I want you to know how strong and special all you are who do and have no other option...
the disease stole ma's dysfunction and we are a peaceful quiet household that was the luck we got I guess for putting up with it for all these years, we were given our reward:peace...but it was a hard road and I don't wish it on anyone...
I truly believe you all are SAINTS AND ANGELS for all you do...I do not feel worthy of this thread....as we do have challenges abound but not dysfunction. I feel at some point tho I will want and need that time away and want my life back.but for now this has been the best experience in me finding me and my inner peace I have searched for all my life! I found it and am grateful to my situation for leading me to it! If I didn't do what I do, give everything to mom, I may have not hit that lowest low and found what I found!
I share this to give you all hope and determination in your struggles and to also say even ever so painful it is to separate or leave the dysfunction behind whenever possible, even with friends, but I also know a lot of the time you cannot!!
Well again you all are special people and have my admiration and support!!! Hang in there!!
Peace
Juju
Now that I said that, I will no longer encourage you to leave home. You have stated your stance. Now we will be supportive of you.
And SJ, You Are NOT a Bother!!! You come back and vent. {{HUGS}}
His Violence Escalated. His last violent act - truly violent scary act - was when he was so angry with me, that he physically came at me with his hands straight out (to choke me.) Suddenly, all my fear left me. I angled my body sideways, swung my right arm back, right hand held a fist, and I was ready to punch him as hard as I could...with my whole body behind it. I watched him approach me. I saw his eyes move to my arm, then back to my face. I did not say anthing at all. I just calmly stared right back at him - ready to meet him. He stopped. I saw the Shock on his face. What? He thinks that I'm going to be like vegetative-state mom and calmly stand there so that he can choke me? He may be my father, but I was prepared to punch him and run. He did try to punch me when he became bedridden. He found out first hand that when he punches me, it no longer reaches my face. No fun hitting me if he can't hit me in the head/face.
So now he threatens to call the police on me. Whatever.... I have put up so much from him. ABB, please don't take this the wrong way. But if my father ever calls the cops on me, it's time for me to go. Never mind the house and land. I cannot live with the constant fear of one day the prosecutor will decide to use me as an "Example" of elder abuse. No way. Not worth it. He calls the cops. I'm gone. My brothers have been persistently offering me to come live with them. I do believe they mean it. But, I will hang in here as long as I can.
SJ, I hid father's rifle. It's in my bedroom. He's had people looking all over the house for his rifle. No One goes into my room without my say so. But your father is more dangerous than mine. Because he has people helping him. You are more vulnerable than I am. I refused to give up my job for my parents. My job is my sanity and my safety net.
For now, can you start researching by phone your options? Several posters gave you some excellent advice. Start planning your future moves. You can call the women's shelter, speak to the coordinator or the one in charge, explain to her your situation and the options you have if you need to suddenly leave home.
Have a hidden place in your room for your Emergency kit - which will include some cash, extra clothing, your important documents like ID and certified birth certificates, etc...This is your Emergency Escape Kit. Where you can run in, grab, and flee the home. Have enough cash for a taxi, etc...
Once you have an idea of where to go, start finding ways to get back into the world of earning money. Go online and learn as much as you can on your field. Just do something that you are good at and can use for a part-time job. If you love coffee, all kinds of flavor, try to imagine yourself working at CoffeeBeanery. Google online or YouTube on how to do interviews. Learn to be enthusiastic and show why you would make a great team with your knowledge about the different coffee. Sad to say, but the young ones who do the Coffee Beanery sucks at sales. I ask about the different flavors and they just are sooooo bland, and not very communicative. Lousy sales people. I keep forgetting to go online and leave a comment on their website that they need to better train their counter people.
...* Just do baby steps. *
I think there's a lot of us that have endured these nightmares. The details may be different, the effect remains the same: we come out of childhood so scared and scarred it takes us awhile to get our bearings... and a lifetime of effort to keep working on those bearings...
I'm not looking to "pity party" with anyone. I want to leave all of "this" as far behind, and get it as far away from me, as possible. I just really don't know how its done.
I know that when you learn to ride a motorcycle, you learn to look in the direction to want to go... then your movement/body naturally follows. So I think, in some ways, by "looking back" to my dys childhood, I tend to "steer/drive" that direction when I actually want to do opposite.
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Did I mention I have appointment with psychiatrist on Aug 15? (--dry humor, I'm full of it) I'm looking forward to seeing if Mr. Doctor has anything they can add for my benefit. Not really looking for meds (and in fact, at this stage, would not accept or take them) but instead for chance to gain Understanding.
Bless us all. We deserve it. Phew, indeed.
First, I do come from a dysfunctional household. I grew up in a house with a mentally ill (and undiagnosed/untreated) mother. My dad was as near a saint as anyone can be, working hard to provide for us all and being both mother and father to me. He did develop a drinking problem, but he was always a good man. He lived an intolerable life, but he did so because he was faithful and had honor above and beyond anyone I have ever known.
What can I tell you about my mom.
Memories of my mom include:
* Her trying to drowned me in a bathtub.
* I wasn't yet in kindergarten when she fed me a spoonful of sugar.
(It was really Electrosol. I was rushed to the emergency room).
* I was not allowed into the kitchen. Ever. At 16, I didn't know how to scramble an egg.
* I was not fed. I waited for my dad to come home. He fed me. When my mom was feeling "generous", I would get a 2 oz. Dixie cup of room temperature water and the same size cup of dry roasted, unsalted peanuts, which allergies prevented me from eating.
* If I got nosebleeds at night (and I did frequently, from the allergies,) my mom would not comfort me. My mom would scrub the blood from my bed sheet with a sopping wet washrag. After this she would force me onto my stomach so she could beat me on my back with her fists. After that, I was made to lay on the cold wet sheet for the rest of the night.
* I was beat if I threw up.
If I got any attention from my mom at all, it was abusive or negligent.
I took care of my dad until the moment he passed away from cancer in 1997. After that, I was made caregiver for my mom. She does take meds, but she will never be "normal". I do not live with her, but I do everything for her. I have a sister who is 10 years older then me and lives less than 20 miles from us, but she washed her hands of our mother 35 years ago. (Another long-azz story.) She only sees my mom when someone in our family dies and we all show up at the funeral.
I managed to forgive my mom for the years of torment I suffered at her hands. She is a much nicer woman now. However...... she is demanding, stubborn, and completely unable to care about anyone but herself. She doesn't know how to write a check to pay a bill because she never had to, and she has no desire to learn. She calls me up to 30 times a day, and every single encounter I have with her, I walk away from heavy with guilt and depression. She rejects/refuses every plea I make that's in her best interest. She adamantly REFUSES to allow anyone else to help me care for her.
So, lately, (I am so ashamed to admit this...) I have been avoiding her. I leave my phone on the charger so I won't hear it ring. I have begun to disconnect from EVERYONE. I'm becoming increasingly isolated. She just overwhelms me so badly that I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I realized tonight that I am still reacting to her in the same way I did when I was a child. When I was in first grade, I would go to a friends house, showing up at the crack of dawn, and not leaving until they politely asked me to. I so dreaded going home to my mother. I remember sitting on their doorstep and crying. I was in my bedroom tonight and noticed my phone light up as it began to ring. It was my mom..... 40th call. And all at once, I felt that same feeling that I had on my friends porch all those years ago.
I thought we'd come so far. But if she won't allow me to get some help, then I feel my resentment is going to grow to the point where I am completely ineffective.
Phew. Thanks for listening.
I have some questions about your latest post. I hope you don't mind I just ponder/ask them out in the open... I have much respect for you and your mind's process.
"I am doing the best I can but refuse to be manipulated any more than necessary."
How do you determine this? Obviously if I "turn the microphone over" to my mother, she will give you her version of her reality which is greatly different from mine. She tells ME she thinks that I am manipulative... and leaves me sputtering with brain failure of knowing HOW to meet her halfway. I have One Prayer, and One Prayer only in this Life... and that is - How do I do the Right Thing? What is the Right Thing? Even if it means my own ego gets slain on the altar, I'll give it up for Truth any day.
Now, that's some emotional words. But it is, in essence, how I feel and operate as a person. And with all my Truth Seeking, I have yet to figure out how to handle my well-meaning, tender-hearted, vulnerable, yet Way Off Base, Compulsive, Immature Mother.
I see, in her eyes, this sadness that I, her daughter, don't particularly want a relationship with her. That hurts me very much, that I make her sad. My mother's mother is a vicious, abusive woman who physically abused my mother in ways that are horrific for me to hear about (from my mom, from other family, from everyone... my maternal grandmother is a piece of work... chopped off my mom's hair on mom's wedding day... ugh... you guys don't want to hear this stuff... just vicious...). And so I do realize that my mother, at least in some ways, a product of her own horribly dysfunctional upbringing. But my mother, for whatever reason, has not claimed her own Life and moved Beyond her dysfunctional childhood. So I see, in my mother, a sad, vulnerable child. And now, truly, Yes, I am the mother here between her and I. So what do I do now? I want to help her. I just don't... know... how... and it breaks my heart. Because its not my mom's "fault." So then who's "fault" is it?
And the closer I get to her, the more chaos falls-out into my own life. And I'm not in a real good place, mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually, to begin to also field my mom's "crazy." I got enough "crazy" right now that I'm tackling with her nowhere near me. I just feel for her so much. She's had a tough road.
I think its up to each of us - its up to us AND its our Responsibility in this Life - to own up to our own participation in and contribution to dysfunctionality. I just don't know, really, what that means to/for me. Where Is The Line? I'm looking for it everywhere and I just don't know. Grrr.
sj - is there not social services. welfare available? I hate to think of you staying in this situation feeling that way.
margeaux - good to see you back. Actually this move may be a good one, but moving in general is not the answer. It is better that they address her problems. The new ALF has levels of care. The place she is in has a closed floor but it is full, so there may be method in their madness. Prayers and thoughts are helping for sure. I am proud of me that I walked so much, even if my feet are still sore. They need to be better for this coming week as G and I are off to Montreal and I want to sight see while he has meetings.
Alison - yes it is a lifetime work - like so many other things. Just be sure that doing the right thing includes doing the right thing for you too. Paulo Coelho: When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself.
Book that was a great post to sj - and I know you have gone through it. I used to cry and feel bad too - now I draw boundaries
Nite all
Thx sad and sharyn -everyone I have talked to hates Windows 8. Apparently a service pack is coming out which will make it more like Windows 7, but when???
sharyn - sorry to heat that your mum is at war. I know mine would be too having to share anything, And yes they never accept blame or responsibility. It almost seems that the paranoia follows from that. Some one else is to blame if something is missing, or goes wrong and then the story/plot grows. Sorry to hear that your sis had a bad visit. Sounds like "One flew over the cuckoos nest" That was a good suggestion.
kryzma you are not alone -definitely! I don't think one can forget the memories but one can view them in a different context. I hear you about your daughter. We all have to protect ourselves. Caregiving is harder when a parent has been abusive.
Alison, I doubt that anyone plans to give up their life, but it can happen so easily, especially in dysfunctional families. "when do I STOP making excuses for him?" good question -there are reasons for some things, perhaps, but they don't have to be excuses, We can (and I think should) expect decent behaviour towards us from anyone. Confronting the issues is a good thing . Re your mum, I have found that I have to move from being responsive/on the defensive to being proactive/on the offensive otherwise my mum doesn't get it. She doesn't always then, but some things sink in. Yes, she has crazy behaviour - no question, and one way of dealing with that is setting up very firm boundaries and re-enforcing them as you have to. Is that tiring -you bet it is! Re her going though your things - None of her business or whether or not you get paid for caregiving. Frankly I would be very indignant and show it .Re respecting your wishes, I would be surprised if she did, I find it has to be put in much stronger terms and has to have consequences - like a child. If you do this then ...I will do this or -this will happen. I have told mother if she is abusive to me I will cut contact for a long while. My daughter was successful in stemming the abuse by telling her grandmother that if she did not again, she would not hear from her any more. Of course, you have to mean it and be prepared to follow through. I understand about waiting for the other shoe - all my life. That is changing now as I am taking change more of protecting myself. Austin is right - she is getting her kicks from disrupting your life, It is what they do. Mother does the same. It also puts her in the center of the drama. Your bro sounds like my sis - not helpful. I am glad you are putting your foot down. I find explaining doesn't work - just boundaries - like do not do that or else... Of course, that is not how you relate to a normal person. And don't feel too sorry for your mum - it doesn't bring good results for me. I understand your anger at having to relate in this unnatural way, but as you find it works, you feel better about it. The food issue is not petty. You are trying to look after your health and your dad and she is totally inconsiderate of that. Yes she does see you as an extension of her - that is part of PD. You have to show her that you are not - and will have to keep doing it. They have little self awareness. I do not known that they are capable of focussing inwards -certainly not without professional help and PDs usually won't go. Alison - think about your goals for your own life, not just for helping your parents.
sj - your situation is scary to me and I would get out - whatever it took. The other alternative is as book says -get tough and draw boundaries. My heart goes out to you.
Going to end this one now, Hugs and prayers to all - Joan
There's so much good stuff here, in this thread, for me to mentally/emotionally digest. I think its going to take some time... and I don't know how much time... but right now, I'm just really grateful. I'm grateful that Life and Caregiving has put me in a position to gain understanding about these relationships, with my mother and my father, that have colored my personality - and haunted me - all my life.
Did I inherit, to some degree, both of my parents' obsessive natures? I'm sure I did. Lol! So figuring out how to meet my own needs without becoming obsessive and inflexible about them myself, AND meeting my parents halfway... this is my goal. And its a good one. I betcha some of the participants of this thread, who might be further down the road than me in this issue, would tell me that its never going to be a "done deal" and this will be a work in progress for the rest of our lives. I'm ok with that. I truly desire to do the "right thing." I just wish I knew what that was. And since I don't, thank you all so much for giving me this wonderful safe place to work out these issues and get helpful input. Its making all the difference for me right now.
WOW!!!!!!!! I'm gone a few days, and look what has happened!
I'm really sorry you have to deal with all of these particulars concerning your mother.
But from your reports, I must say....you sound firm and strong about the different issues at hand. This must be challenging, the meetings and doctors opinions about your mom's competency. I can't believe these people would approve of your mom moving to another ALF.
In all of this, I'm hearing a very positive and pro-active Emjo! You are really taking care of business, and I'm proud of you. That's great that you walked all those blocks too, great way to relieve stress.
O.K., I'll be posting more, thanks for asking about me, w/update on things in another post! You remain in my thoughts, and I see it is working!!
Big Hugs, Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
Is there any way you can get out of your situation? I feel sad to think of you there caught between two crazy, mean parents. Could you even go on welfare long enough to get back on your feet? I'm sorry if I'm way off base. I don't know much about your situation, but I wish you well.
My father is verbally abusive. Before he was bedridden, he was also physically abusive. He treated me like dirt. Like a slave. He said that I'm there to take care of him in his old age. When I tell him that if he keeps up with his physical abuses, that I'm moving out. Do you know what he likes to throw at me?
"You have No where to go! This is the only place where you can live. If you were able to move out, you would have been gone. You have No Where to go!"
Hence, his terrible treatment to me. And he still does verbally accuse me of stealing, lying, calling the cops on me, etc... What he doesn't understand is my super sensitive conscience bothers me. And I refuse to move away and have my oldest-bro-of-next-door move in, take over father's care and then when father dies, he will prove to the court that he deservest this house/land for taking care of mom/dad. My past 24 years will go down the drain. Brother Would Have Won. I refuse! I will wait it out. If I get this house/land, I will sell it and move away. That is my goal. I put my life on hold and I will be damned if my brother gets it. They have no money, but he can spend over $2100 on ticket every year to travel for 3 weeks! That costs money that they don't have.
When I go off island, my father realizes what I've been doing for him. Trust me, there is a difference between my caregiving and the family's caregiving. Sometimes, we as caregivers, need to take off for a week so that our parent learns how much we do for them. Then they forget and go back to abusing us. But atleast we got a break from them.
Do you have Someone that you can just go to? If not, then maybe you can learn to set boundaries with regards to your parents. Abusive behaviors to you will not be condoned. Father mistreated me recently. When he asked me to do something for him, I looked him in the eys and said, "Why should I do it? You said that I was a bad daughter? Well, I'm going to be the bad daughter you claim me to be. No. I will not get what you want. You just have to wait for J to come out of her bedroom and ask her to get it for you." And I ignored him and his other requests. I got his meals, I changed his pampers. But any Extra requests were met with "No, I'm a bad daughter. So, I'm being bad just like you said I am." ... Hours later, He apologized. I've had to do this several times. He now rarely says that I'm a bad daughter. Before, I went into a crying fit and depression because he said that I was a bad daughter yet his 6 other children are not condemned as bad children. Just have to learn to harden Our Hearts and be Ruthless - set up our Boundaries. .. I know what terror feels... hate that, too...
Sunny:)
I know many of you feel like I do. It is like being on a big roller coaster ride but with more downs than ups and you can be sure if you are feeling good and enjoying a few days, the shit will hit the fan. Never is there a really peaceful moment or time to enjoy our lives. We have allowed ourselves to feel guilty for all the problems and mistakes of our loved ones and think it is up to us to "fix" them. And no matter what we do, it is never enough. I could never be good enough for my mother and I have given up trying.
I am doing the best I can but refuse to be manipulated any more than necessary. When Mother gets too difficult and blaming, I back off for a few days and give her time to see who will help her when I am not around. It is finally dawning on her how much she needs me but I am so pleased that I learned not to allow her and our toxic relationship to ruin me by taking her in my home. If I did that, I would be in the psycho ward and I refuse to allow or take any more abuse from my family. I will try my best to help but Not at the Expense of my own health and welfare and folks, I am not feeling guilty. This has taken way to many years for me to understand and learn to take care of myself and I am now happy within. I feel I have been set free since I have been able to overcome the guilt and shame caused by our family. I will be there for my Mother and my family but not at the cost of my own health and the great lessons I have learned through years of trying to change things. I know I had the 'Stinking Thinking" attitude for far too many years. But, I have made great progress and could not go back to the way I once was. I know I must take care of myself or I could not survive another day at living. So, I hope this will help any of you who are still feeling responsible for everyone else but yourself. We cannot get rid of our own dysfunctional thinking until we see just how much abuse when have endured and how we put our own life and feelings on the back burner for everyone else.
If you think this sounds selfish, then I would think you have not really lived with the real dysfunctions and I do not feel the least selfish. I feel I have overcome a battle that lasted most of my life and I refuse to go back to being a Myrta. I have and I intend on getting the most out of my life I can before it I am another day older. I deserve peace, love and joy and it is up to me to reach out and take it and not be under the manipulations of those who have made me feel I am responsible for their happiness or their problems. I love my family but regret it took me so long to learn how to be responsible enough to stop neglecting myself and trying to "make others happy." I can only give them my unconditional love and support but not allow them to ruin my life or pull me down any longer. I have to make sure I am taking care of myself before I am any good at being a caregiver to everyone else. This has been a wonderful revolution and learning process, as well as, liberating for me and I am happy with who I am within. I hope to continue to grow and understand all I can about the dysfunctions of others but not be dragged into or down by them.
If this helps just one person to see how destructive our behavior has been in our own personal lives and kept us on the roller coaster ride blindfolded, I will be thankful. And am truly thankful I have been able to turn my stinking thinking around to the truth of how I was simply an enabler and not helping anyone.
Thanks for allowing me to vent and tell a bit of what I see as a great success in my personal life and I pray each of you will dig deep within to find the truth and learn to love yourself first and care for your own wellbeing. We may have had a difficult life but we can all overcome being a victim to seeing our victory.
My love and Best wishes and you strive to survive and do what is best for your own life.
Sunny:)
She then proceeeded to hang up on me every time I called her to ask if she needed help? or what was wrong I couldn't get a word in edge wise. She kept this horrible tone, and said I said I was sick, and it is my fault she is sick. She then said she was calling the police to say I was harassing her. I called them for her told them what she was doing and said I was in no way harassing her, she called me I was returning the call, she was completely hostile, when previously kind and caring the previous sunday.
She has done this before, but I have never been in this situation with my father before. So Gawd DARN it! What the heck!
This hurts, even more it is reafirming the life long manipulation, abuse, horror that is my life with the two of them. They hate each other, me but when they need something, she plays the game.
I am home now and I had to speak to my father he looks like Lucifer, gives me these horrible stares, one line answer, he failed to correct a ticket on my car that is in his name, I got pulled over and now have a $1800+ fine and hold on my license. His response I AINT GIVIN YOU 1800 bucks, and I have never been in that situation. Put his headphones on and finished his cheap ass martini, what a PRICK! he is working on something with the landlord here, he is probably asking him to lie to his employer about the gun brandishing, abuse toward me issues, trying to make it seem as though it were me. He is the biggest, creepiest LIAR Piece of trash man that I have ever encountered.
Disgusts me, he lets me live in his control freak torture pit ghetto household, but if I was an emergency or was out of money or food he wont help. I hope I don't offend anyone, he has never done anything without whining like the biggest bitch on earth.
He can't hear, loosing his vision, and still drinks, drives, works, carries a gun, and is a sincere threat to my safety. I HATE Him, and as for my mother she is a FOOL. I am the only one when he passes that will be around, I am making my plans to bail on that woman. My father has NO AFTER CARE set up for her, no will that is worth beans, she will have to go to probate, I won't help her.
Austin you mentioned my mother volunteering at soup kitchen. Guess what? SHE DOES! That IS why she has all this massive amount of food all the time and brings it up here like she is going to feed an army! But the problem is, I got very sick in Spring this year and now need most of my fridge to store fresh veggies that I juice every day. But for the past few months, every time my mother comes up, much of that fridge space gets re-engineered to hold all these big amounts of processed fresh foods that no one here eats. My dad eats like a bird and I eat (drink) mainly veggies (there's some fish in the freezer I also eat, but in general I'm on self-restricted diet right now due to recent serious illness). Seriously, I do not expect my mother to just cater to my wishes... but when a woman comes into your house, REPEATEDLY, and displaces your choice food with what SHE sees as "helping you out" food... And I tell her over and over that I just have to end up throwing out all the food... but she still brings in this large quantity of food, still takes over most of space in fridge, and the last time she did it? She left me a note telling me that she thanked me for my understanding that she needed all that space in the fridge. Literally. Left me a thank you note. Because she KNOWS I don't want her doing it. So now she's able to keep her behavior that SHE wants to do (bringing the food) and justifies by leaving me "thank you note" for "understanding her need" to commandeer the fridge.
Is it petty? Very. Not a big deal with the food. Its a symptom of a bigger problem. She can't seem to LISTEN or SEE me for who I am. She sees ME as an EXTENSION of HER. So I get no autonomous basic respect in the relationship. And since she doesn't stop to think about her actions and how they're affecting me, she is perfectly capable of causing REAL chaos... in the form of going to police with completely out of line suspicion about financial abuse. But her behavior is echoed in my bro, who basically said to me "if you're NOT actually doing F.A., whats the harm in mom going to police?" Sigh. I can't win by confronting, arguing, reasoning here. I can only draw the line in the sand.
My mother seems to just get unhealthily obsessed with her notions... one thing that my mother has said to me many times, in so many words, is that I am a "gold-digger because I dated rich guys." I'm paraphrasing here but this concept in her head has rolled off her tongue to me and always leaves me wanting to smack her (lol! I wouldn't do that... ) and go cry. My mother does not understand her (used to be) capable, successful daughter because my mother isn't like that. My mother lives in a little trailer that her sister gave her that is jammed to the hilt with clutter because my mom is a hoarder. She comes from a mentality, inside her own head, of scarcity. This largely is why she is unhealthily obsessed with money and interprets my good deeds (and good relationships) as being somehow about my getting my hands on some money.
I'll figure this out, this relationship with my mom. I'm just so glad now that I'm aware, that I see it for what it is... my mom IS a "good person." But her goodness and helping are like addictions for her, if that makes sense. She is unwilling to focus her attentions inward... to her own needs, and they are many... so instead just keeps "giving" so she can feel good about herself... or distracting herself with her latest unhealthy obsession or self-provided "project"...
I would like her to refocus on her own great needs, but I do realize I cannot make that decision for her... so she then puts me in position of having to set boundaries that I really wish I didn't have to enact... but she's leaving me no choice...
Perhaps when my father's situation is sorted out and he's being taken care of, I can readdress the larger mental issues my mother has. I think she would benefit from counseling, if she would go... she doesn't "believe" in it... and I'd be willing to go to family counseling with her. We'll see.
Austin, I'm so happy for you that you got a second chance at a supportive and loving significant other. I've never married "the wrong man" but I've certainly dated them... for YEARS... lol. And I very much agree that sometimes, even though we truly don't want to just detach from people, they leave us the choice of either - reinforce the behavior by sticking around, or drawing the line in the sand where we say that we deserve, and will get, different treatment... or not deal with them at all... makes so much sense to me.
Its a pretty nice day out in Chicago. I'm going to be pulling up weeds and trimming some bushes for rest of the day. Hope you all are enjoying your Saturday.