The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

This morning my husband was fine again. We talked about his problems yesterday and he doesn't remember any of it. He hates to memory lost part of this stuff and now this. I think he was dehydrated a little bit yesterday. But I called the doctors and they will call me back with the plan. He also had a headache yesterday. Yes we are very blessed with 8 grand children and two great grandchildren. Also I have two big babies, my husband and my Momma.
Hang in there and GOD bless!

Hi college - I was in the same boat - it took 95 years for docs to diagnose it in mother, and even now they don't seem to take it into consideration or even recognise that it is affecting her behaviour. I am so sorry about your husband, It sounds like something is happening and he needs an eval. Can you get him to his dr. Be sure you document these behaviours and the paranoia so you can pass it on to the drs. You sure have your hands full. But how blessed you are, have twin grandbabies of two and more!!!.
Prayers greatly appreciated today. I will ask the drs to explain to me why they think returning mother to an ALF, from which she fled twice in less than a week, and says she will not return to, is a good move. I don't get it! Have a good day everyone.

Amazing, my mother has a PD but no one seems to know about it but me. Even when I was very young she would committ to things and then worry herself to death about it. I would have to deal with it for her. Everyone always thinks she is so sweet. When she gets something on her mind I better do it. The more I read about everyone else the more I see in our Family. Ha! Last night my poor husband had a fight with his brain? He had a brain injury 2000, then another in 2010. The first caused mostly pain in part of his face from nerve damage. The injury from 2010 has caused short term memory lose. Last night he started talking crazy, saying our grandchildren were out in the yard. Where did they go? They are twins and almost 2, the 31st of July. (They were at home) He also started talking about our other grandson that is 13, telling me he was fighting bees, wasps and everything with him? (He is in Texas for a month with his sister) Oh my, I didn't sleep last night wondering what is going on! We'll see what happens today. He is paranoid latey about a few things. Thank GOD my Mother is in her same mind! The PD mind that she has always had. GOD bless you all. Love & prayers to all Caregivers.

Thanks sharyn. My cousin's son was remarking how well mother was off except for her crazy ideas. She has a beautiful apartment, great health, and she looks wonderful. She got a light perm, and it looks so cute on her - I haven't seen her look this well in years. She has wonderful colour in her skin.. Of course she is getting tons of attention. The psych docs don't seem to have picked up on the narcissism or really on the main traits of BPD -fear of abandonment for one, or how the combination of paranoia and the BPD play off against one another.- sigh...
More and more I realise I cannot keep doing this. Her acting out is getting worse - riskier for her and more draining for me and there looks to be no end in sight.
This message I have to get across to the docs tomorrow. It is sayonara to stress time for me. nite all and blessings on your for the support you give,

(((((hugs)))) ABB ur welcome. I have had stories told about me too, to friends of mine,by my sis and my mother, and they have followed up on ideas they had about me that were totally unfounded, and which were hurtful and just plain nasty. Thankfully my friends knew me better than to believe them, but it still hurt.

I do expect your illness is/was stress related. How do we survive all the stress?

"nobody is home" - I understand. During one prolonged episode where my mother went off the deep end ranting and raving all summer about something I supposedly had done I very systematically over a period of time tried every response to her that I could imagine, from agreeing with her, to being logical, to responding to her as she was acting and so on. Nothing penetrated - I was amazed. Absolutely no difference in how she acted towards me no matter how I responded to her. She had a bee - a whole hive I would say - in her bonnet and nothing, but nothing, would dislodge it. That is distinctly abnormal.

I have found that there is really little point in explaining myself. A few years ago when the candida infection was raging systemic and I was quite sick I explained this to her and that she could not expect me to help her, and as she had people here in her city to help her she would be OK. I think it sank in on one occasion when she suggested she could handle things this way rather than that as I was not well. After that she forgot all about it and went on merrily creating crises and expecting me to fix them for her, then berating me when I didn't or even when I tried to help. I have come to the conclusion that protecting self is what I have to do first.

ABB a loving close healthy relationship with your mother as she is, is impossible IMO. She is pushing your guilt buttons. Of course you don't know how to relate to her - you are normal and she is not, and not capable of a close relationship. Let go of the guilt. You have done nothing to earn it.

I am glad for you that the anger is coming out. For me that was part of the healing. Identifying the "ism" or whatever that applies to your mother is identifying the problem and that is good, Acknowledging your feelings is also good - very good. Healing is a long journey and I doubt we ever complete it, but we do make progress. Thanks for sharing, (((((((hugs))))))

Joan~I feel for you right now. The difference again between our situations is your mother does not have Alz. At least with my mother (I say this with a heavy heart...) she was going to progress to a point where legally sis and I could step in and take over. Take care and let us know how tomorrow goes!

Have a good night everyone and hopefully tomorrow will bring peace to your weary minds and souls!!

"a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation"

This struck home with me. There is such consistency over the years for my mother to create discord because of, what I just otherwise call, "her craziness." But its been going on my whole life.

Example: I got pretty ill March-May of this year, and since my symptoms included panic attacks, I'm pretty sure it was stress related. I'm friends with my neighbor lady and over past couple of years I've been in Chicago we often talk or do yard work together. My mom is not friends with the lady, but learning that I was, took it upon herself to speak with Liza (neighbor) and among other things told Liza that I took some drugs when I was out in California and now that's why I got so sick. I'm paraphrasing there because I don't know exactly what was said... but the thing is, my mom has said exact same idea to ME, and I've told her that she is way off base and that its hurtful that she views me as some drug user who has now messed myself up for life... and, its just NOT TRUE! Hard to know whether to laugh or cry with the kind of stuff she comes up with... But the fact that my mother would take this preposterous, untrue speculation of hers to MY friend, my neighbor, and then I get to hear back about it from Liza... its just hurtful. Definitely "par for course" from my mother.

The "rigid and unhealthy pattern" comes in because once my mother has an idea in her head - a completely unfounded idea, mind you (drug use, financial abuse) - she then runs away with it and acts out on her thinking in ways that do harm to me.

And I've TRIED telling her she's "way off base." I see the look on her face when I plead my case to her. Its like "nobody home." She DOESN'T GET IT. She backpedals a little, gives me her reason why she thinks what she did is just fine, and thats the end of it. And then I am just left waiting for the next episode...

I find as I'm sitting here typing, I'm pretty angry with my mother. I'm just so sick of her being so crazy and hurtful all through my life. And she does get me with the guilt by saying she wishes we (her and I) had a closer relationship. But the woman's just nuts! I just don't know how to deal with her.

So thanks, emjo, and others, because this idea of "personality disorder" may be closest I can come to, for now, in defining what it is about my mother I find so hurtful.

It is hard to define personality disorders isn't it sharyn
Here is what the Mayo Clinic says

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness in which you have trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people — including yourself. There are many specific types of personality disorders.
In general, having a personality disorder means you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work and school.
In some cases, you may not realize that you have a personality disorder because your way of thinking and behaving seems natural to you, and you may blame others for the challenges you face.
Here is another one. Personality disorders are conditions in which an individual differs significantly from an average person, in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others. Changes in how a person feels and distorted beliefs about other people can lead to odd behaviour, which can be distressing and may upset others.

Well, the bad news and the good news--- one of the doctors called me and asked me questions and the short story is that according to their tests mother is borderline (there is that word again) as regards a closed unit and they want her to go back to her ALF!!! I asked "What about her behaviour???" I told him I was putting them on notice that I was holding them responsible for her welfare/safety in terms of the placement they make. The good news is that mother does not want to go back - in fact she won't. They asked her if she would agree to someone managing her meds and she said "No". They have given her something for her paranoia which is not working yet, of course, and I doubt she would continue taking it.. I saw her tonight and brought her an orchid. She was pleased to see me and told me the latest version of who was doing what to her. It gets more and more confused Now she said she gave her pin number to someone on the phone. I told her that I had been in contact with her bank to see what was happening. She does not know that her bank mail will now come to me etc. One step at a time. The family meeting is tomorrow at 10:30 and I will go there ahead of time and lay out my views before she joins us. I asked my cousin's son if he wanted to be there and he will try to make it. Apparently he has a situation at work right now which may get in the way. I appreciate his support in any case. I dropped my wallet in the cab on the way back from the hospital, and the cabbie, bless his soul. found it, followed me in to the hotel and returned it to me, I was on the phone to Gary and didn't notice. I should have given him a big tip for doing that, so called the cab company and said if he wants to drop by the hotel I will give him something, and to thank him very much for me. Had a nice supper with my friend other than being on the phone to the doctor most of the time. We had a long coffee after to make up for it. I called another friend and cancelled meeting with her tonight as I am fried, . As we all know, sometimes the options aren't great, but one may better than another, even though not ideal.
Keep us in your prayers for the meeting tomorrow. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Are we there yet???? No!!!!

No Joan, is not funny while it is happening. I can only laugh now as the years have gone by. My mother's PD is not as severe as your mother's PD. There are not clear cut definitions to describe a person with a PD. I think the overall theme though is...their need to be the center of attention and they are always right. I know people who have to be right, think their way is the only way to do things right but they are not narcissistic. They just want their legacy passed on to future generations within their family circle...maybe narcissistic...IDK???

Book if you knew the worst of what she has said and how she explained, your jaw would hit the floor and stay there. I find it almost funny now that she could explain away the emotional abuse so easily. It was not funny at the time.

Emjo, I laughed out loud when i read you wrote the letter and sent it. Then the next chapter said not to send it. Amazing how some people can continue to Refuse to see that they are responsible for hurting others. How your mother was able to turn the table and say how it was to help you.

Sorry, can't stay long. Running late for work.

Thanks ABB - I am very tired right now. Didn't sleep well and all the stuff going on. I hate waiting for phone calls. Let's get on with it! No nervous Nelly here ;). If your mother is impulsive you may want to check out personality disorders. My mother's primary diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. but she is also very narcissistic and now very paranoid. I know a few who have no idea how their actions affect other people, like my first husband. After some testing, a counsellor told me there was a "void" in his personality in that area and he doubted that he would ever be any different. His dad was like that too, One has to learn how to protect oneself. I don't think they can change - the leopard does not change its spots, so you are the one who has to change to improve your life. I don't know if my mother knows how she affects people, but most of the time she doesn't care because her agenda is more important to her than who anyone else feels.
Tonight I will have supper with a friend of 45+ years. She lost her oldest son, I lost my youngest. We have been through a lot together. Both her parents are gone now and her knowledge of caring for seniors is very helpful to me. God bless us in the midst of the trials. Keep on keeping on! (((((hugs)))))

Interesting. I looked at the DONM website, read a little, and decided my mother is definitely not narcissistic. And I never really thought she was. My mother tends to just make rash, crazy, impulsive, hurtful decisions without seeming to think of how it affects others (me). And once she has an idea in her head, she is off and running with it... its difficult to turn her aside. So she's dangerous to me when I'm vulnerable because I truly just don't know what she might do next. There's a lot of behavior/actions that are part of her personal repertoire that just defy common sense... hard to put it into words other than to say that. I'm going to keep thinking this over and try to gain some definition to what it is my mother is doing that I find so offensive and hurtful. When I wrote her the letter, I basically chalked it up to her lack of common sense and lack of ability to accomplish something without causing great emotional harm to me. ...I'll keep mulling this one over... it may be helpful if I can come up with an "-ism" that largely represents my mother's behavior.

Emjo, good luck today as you continue in Edmonton to sort out mother.

Thank you both so much! I have already checked out the website - and out of the 9 (you only need 5) statements do describe a narcissistic personality - my mom has all 9! Yikes - I am surprised I can function at all! LOL. sharynmarie - I am sorry about your dad...at least I had a great dad - a bit whipped - and distant - but he never disciplined me - my brother yes...but that is a whole other subject. We had a special father daughter bond that my mother was always jealous of. He had always called me KarKar - and she said a few years before he passed "has he always called you that - or is it just now annoying". She was always so wrapped up in her own world...Funny - I have said that she was a bit narcissistic before - but never really looked it up as how to deal with it- I can see where it is going to be very helpful! I just told my husband no wonder I get so annoyed with him when he points out what I didn't do....I have heard that my whole life. Thank you, thank you, thank you and hugs back!

sad~Oh, I understand about the email now. emjo has given you very good info. It is very emotionally stressful to deal with a narcissistic parent. We try to be good daughters, see to their needs, spend time with them but it is hurtful when they degrade you. My mom always knew that something was different about herself which is part of the reason she is so sweet to people outside the family. Somehow she managed to foster friendships, usually with other women who had abusive husbands. She sees herself a victim but she is actually an instigator of the abuse within the family unit. She can't carry out discipline herself...so she put it on my father to discipline us kids. My dad was an alcoholic, but his discipline was fair. Not acceptable to my mother...she, being a perfectionist, couldn't handle the things that normal children do in order to learn boundaries and grow. She wanted severe punishment inflicted on us by my father...not herself.I know my mother is not comfortable in her own skin that is why she is so sweet to people outside the family. My mother picks out words and phrases too to suit her needs. Yes, check out the website emjo suggested, read about boundaries, detaching with love. Hugs to you!!

Oh, pleasing her! Yeah! Something else we were taught as children. Our needs were of no concern to anyone - the emotional ones anyway, and the narcissistic parents needs and wants dominated everyone's life. Mother can be charming too, for a while, to try to get what she wants. Eventually it breaks down. A couple of the nurses have told me how sweet she is. LOL. I could tell them a few stories! I agree is must be awful being in their skin. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I think the her getting the email was a blessing in disguise. The name mad1 sounds good to me. We take so much for so long! Take care

Thanks Joan - I will work on it - I thought I was doing pretty good - but really have been just trying to please her - as always - and for a while she was nice - but I am thinking now on it that it was a show - she wants to go home - and she knows she needs to be nice to people - but she can only do it for a short time....Honestly - it must be sad being in her skin...I don't ever remember her happy. and sharynmarie - the caregiver gave her the email as she doesn't speak very good English - and my mom doesn't really like her - the email wasn't really that bad - and mom misreads things - just picks out phrases but doesn't really get the gest of the tone of the note or letter. I don't blame her - she puts up with a lot from my mother....I will just be more careful. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise! Karen (sad1) which should be changed to mad1! LOL!

I know, sad1. Good for you for holding your ground. Part of this is that we have to grow in skills and confidence. Funny - often we are expected to be grown ups when children, and then treated like children when we are grown up. The more you can pull your "adult" out in response to her "child" or her "parent", the better. And the more you can detach, the better. I have posted some stuff on detachment and it may be time to do it again. I need to look at it more than once.

Thank you Joan! I will look up that website...funny - at 57 she can reduce me to being 12 with her evil look....which actually - I held her piercing stare yesterday - it was pretty intense.

Hi sad1 - Your story sounds so familiar. Let the guilt go and set up boundaries. Guilt seems to be part of the caregiving role and also was instilled in you at a young age by your mother. it is a button she pushes to manipulate you. They use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to control people. I am have found that walking on eggshells is a bad thing, and that being, as diplomatically as possible and sometimes that is not possible, honest, straightforward, direct is the kindest and most loving thing to do for all concerned. Mother complains endlessly too and wants an audience. I have laid boundaries. For example when she complained and complained about an ex caregiver I told her firmly that I had heard it many, many times and that continuing to hear it was not good for our relationship and I did not want to hear to again. In some ways narcissists seem like children and need you to be firm. Have you looked at the website "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" ? If you google that phrase you will find it and much good info. Eventually you will get rid of the guilt, fear and obligation. It takes a while of sticking up for yourself but it does go. You have my sympathies. Come back and vent some more ((((((((((Hugs)))))))) Joan

sad~There have been times I have lost it with my mother too. It would not have made any difference in the outcome whether she had dementia or not because mom's reasoning is not normal either way. I would feel guilty only because she has Alz...but...lets face it, we lose our patients even with small children. You are only human, can only deal with so much before you reach a breaking point. I am not sure why the caregiver would give your mom the email but now you know not to email info like that again. When my mom becomes combative with me, I leave...right then and there because I know nothing I say will change her thoughts. I just calmly say, "I will come back when you are feeling better." Don't feel guilt for setting boundaries with her. Narcissistic people believe they are entitled to treat you badly so it is your responsibility to set limits and boundaries. Maybe next time you visit, you could buy all the junk food and goodies she likes before you visit. Then you can use that time for other things. You don't have to give into her whims of spending so much time seeing to what she wants instead of seeing to her needs. Come back and vent some more, it really does help!!

So - this is a perfect thread - and hoping I can vent here - I have a very narcissistic mother who had a frontal lobe stroke and is aphasic - she is in an assisted living home - that is pretty good as far as they go. My brother is completely AOL - which is fine - at least he isn't second guessing my decisions. However - the burden is on my newly retired husband and I. We live 3 hours away from her - and stay at her house when we are here. Sunday our oldest son came and worked on the house and went to visit her - she spent the entire time looking at me and demanded all of her usual loop of demands - and complains - that are many. I had emailed the caregiver which stated she just likes to complain - which is a truth - and she gave it to my mom - as it also had dental information about it. So - needless to say my mother was livid. I walked out so she would visit with our son - that lasted about 10 minutes. Then next day went back after shopping for all of her "things" she wanted - junk food mostly - and this is something that I do every time I am here. I was still mad from the day before. She started in on me again - and I just lost it - told her I was tired of her complaining - I didn't give her a stroke - put my life on hold for 10 months and am not having a good time either - and I can't get her out of there. She fires everyone - so she can't have in home care. Then I walked out. I really actually felt pretty good about it - a relief. But now there are some pangs of guilt....ugh. Anyone else have this?

Wow! Got a call from one of the team looking after mother. They will have a team meeting and then she will call me back with a time for our meeting. I asked if mother would be present and she said of course, but maybe it would be wise to meet with me alone first. I think so! The team will consider this. I honestly don't know why this takes so many man hours. To me it is very simple. She can't go back to her ALF. She is very paranoid, a run away risk, and not being responsible with her money, so she needs medication, to go into a closed unit and have someone manage her money etc. Like what else???? Oh well, they get paid for this and I don't. Suppose that makes a difference. Time for breakfast!

Day 2 - I did some research and apparently the family meeting could include mother. Oh my! It is "wait and see" time for me! My cousin's son who lives here visited mother and has been supportive of my actions. I asked him if he wanted to be included in the family meeting, if that were possible. Got a supper date set up with a friend for tonight and may with another friend for tomorrow. One step at a time. Will try to see mother's financial advisor today - he is very flexible - and also drop in at her ALF. Some one asked me why I didn't stay there as she has an extra bedroom. Too many triggers. I would find it very stressful. - this week is stressful enough. The hotel I am in has a pool and a hot tub and there is a day spa here as well. I should use it! Maybe once I know she isn't going back there I can. I guess she will need some of the furniture, but a lot could go to my son. Yesterday I got the documents from the lawyer, and got the POA process started at mother's bank. It will take about a week, and unfortunately they do not permit POA to have online access, but I can use any branch. A bit of a nuisance, but there you are. Mail from them will be directed to me now. Then I walked 20 blocks back to the hotel, acquiring a blister along the way, but it was worth it. I wasn't moving too quickly the last few blocks. lol.

Thanks for the hugs, sharyn. Mother will likely need some of the furniture, but there is much that my son could have, and it is a very good place for it. I may have a few pieces of hers - or even my own - that they can have too. Too funny about your parents locking one another out - but not at the time, I am sure

abb - awesome I will pass along any tips you can give me re bed bug extermination. I am like you - critters will NOT get the best of me. I pull out any obsessive traits I have and give them full reign. I once had flour beetles in a cupboard and someone said I would never get rid of them. That is a war cry for me - never say never lol. I got them out. Bleach, Raid, hot water, steam, anything I could lay my hands on. And many years later, they have not come back. I like your comment about your parents being aliens to you. I have felt that about my mother and my sister. My father, though alcoholic, was a nurturing parent. I have had to grieve the loss of my childhood, and the many "insults" of various kinds that came my way. I have grieved the lack of a female parent that came anywhere near meeting my needs. Every child needs a healthy mother and father. Not every child gets one, but It is a basic need. I absolutely agree that you can't keep allowing your family to push your buttons as they have been. You certainly don't need your mum's "help". Oh my, I can relate to that and the letter. I have shared this before, but will again with you. Once reading a self help book about toxic relationships, I came upon a chapter which suggested writing a letter. So without further ado, I did write to mother about a lot of past stuff and how it affected me and sent it to her. Then I read the next chapter in the book which started "But don't send the letter". Oooops! LOL Too late. Her reaction was interesting. It made no difference between us. She simply explained how each dysfunctional interaction and action was done to help me. I laugh about it now. Yes, you have enough on your hands with your father and making your plan. I think you did the right thing. We are behind you! You are standing up for yourself and that is good. it gets more comfortable with time and practice. How she reacts to it is her problem, not yours. vent and dump away - it is how we survive! Big ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

book, I have every intention of going with the doc unless they want to release her back to her ALF, which I think unlikely. I would not allow her into my house. Think that is not going to happen now as long as she doesn't escape the hospital. In any case I think she is mad at me which may be a good thing. ;)

Time to get moving and get a few more thing done. Have a great day everyone!!! Love and hugs and prayers Joan

Book~LOL....Yes I did...if they wanted to fight and beat each other up, let them do it on their time. I am so glad those days are behind me and I can laugh about it now!!

Hi College! I wonder if all parents when they get old becomes so bossy. Father tries his best to tell me what to do – in everything – even what to eat, when to sleep, etc…Thanks for your blessing.

Emjo – just go with the flow with doctor. Whatever happens, be firm about not letting her put a foot into your home. You might have problem pushing her back out. You’ve experienced this before and you’ve read

Scmoon – I like your comments. It actually “clicks” with me. I think I’m a people pleaser. I will need to learn to remove the guilt when it comes to caregiving and setting boundaries. Problem is I have a very over-active conscience. FYI, not everyone loves their parents.

ABB – I give you kudos on setting boundaries with the family, especially your mother. I like that you wrote to her. I still don’t see why she visits and keeps butting in. And it’s not really innocent reasoning – her going to the police. Watch your back, Alison.

Sharyn, I laughed. I can just see them fighting, and then calling you to open the front door! I would have given back their key, too.

Alison~Setting boundaries and limits around your life is very healthy, even if you have to set those boundaries around parents. It's not an easy step to take but you are moving in a positive direction to protect your health and well being. I started setting boundaries around my marriage and children very early. At one point in time I even gave my parents my copy of they key to their house because I got fed up with being called to come over there to unlock the front door because one parent would lock the other one out of the house during a fight. Keep coming back, vent and dump...you go girl!!

Bedbugs. Oh boy. GM got bedbugs in her room a year ago last Oct... I say "her room" because strangely enough, they hadn't yet spread to other parts of her small house. They likely came in from outside (literally outside her room, from the grass, then in through foundation cracks... this is the only explanation I could come up with why they were in her room and no one else's), found an easy target in my poor, elderly GM, and luckily I noticed them within, I'm guessing, a few weeks of them infesting her upholstered headboard and bed. There are ways to contain and combat, but yeah, by and large, its so difficult to truly be rid of them once they are "in." Joan, if you feel your son could use more input about how to contain them and rid himself of bedbugs, let me know, I'll run over everything that worked for me in my situation. I am currently still living in same house, and I am positive that I no longer have bedbugs. But it took a few days of bleaching everything down and patching cracks where they can hide/survive, and then a few months of diligent deterrence to get rid of them. But I did it, and even the exterminators seemed impressed, lol!

I have had a head full of thoughts about crazy family the past few days... I know it was my mom's visit to local police, with her unfounded suspicion about financial abuse, that is triggering this. Certainly before that happened I would have acknowledged that my family is... how do I choose to put it... "unique." My parents are like "aliens" to me.

But now... now I just feel resolved. Not even sad, mad, frustrated, betrayed... Because truly I can't grieve loving relationships I never had. WANTING those loving relationships is an emotion I think we all go through and get over at some point in our adult lives... I DID do that... I DID get over, in absentia, wanting my parents to be different people than they are.

But I can't KEEP allowing my family to push my buttons in such a destructive hurtful way... I got a little mini-bout of depression last week after mom's antics. I'm mostly over it, but it just made it so clear what she's capable of doing to me. I wrote my mom a three page letter where I tried to explain why her actions are inexcusable and asked her to "stay away" for the time being. She has no real reason to come for visits to the city I live in (about 2 1/2 hours drive from her city of residence), other than as she says "to visit and to help"... but as much as I could use some help, I just don't need her kind of help. And this is just the latest in a lifetime of such actions... I don't hate her, I'm not angry... I just don't need the additional chaos. I have enough on my hands with trying to caregive to my father.

I don't know how she will react to the letter. I'm a little fearful of her reaction, no matter what it is. But I did do what I thought was "the right thing" given the circumstances.

So... we'll see.

At the moment I just have a lot of gratitude for this "new to me" thread where I can share this stuff. I have a lot to vent and dump, so I need more than one vent thread, lol!

Joan~Happy to hear you are breathing a little easier. The whole situation is scary and stressful. The family meeting will most likely provide a care plan, as you know, and more info on what is actually going on. BEDBUGS!!! Yes, they can wash their clothes in hot water but as you said, the furniture??? If they have pets, the bed bugs feed on them too. It is great you have the furniture available to help him and sign. other to get started again...A blessing for them!! Hugs to you as you walk through this labyrinth.

Arrived in Edmonton and finally, after several days of trying, got a hold of someone in mother's hospital wing who knew something and who told me that the doctor wants to set up a family meeting with me regarding mothers care.. She was surprised when I said I was here and available almost any time, including evenings, except for the appointment I have booked today. She took my cell number and said I would hear from him. I will contact other people for meetings with the caveat that the hospital meeting takes precedence, as I won't know how to handle some things without knowing what the care plan is.
Talked with oldest son at length last night. They are planning on buying a condo quickly for 2 reasons - due to the flood he thinks the prices will go up. and horrors of horrors his whole building has bed bugs. They have had the exterminators in several times and thought they were free this last time, but, alas not. I suggested he toss all his stuff out to be sure he doesn't bring them into his new place. He said most of their clothing is bagged now and washing it in hot water will take care of the bugs. Then he said it would be quite expensive setting up again from scratch. I told him to not take a chance of taking the bugs with him. And, that likely very soon there will be an apartment full of furniture, bedding. kitchen ware etc. from mother that he could have. The only thing she doesn't have is a dining set. I don't think the others want or need any of it. God works in mysterious ways. Gary would probably hose out a horse trailer and take it all down there. So things are starting to work out already. Maybe son and /or his sig other could come up and help me pack it up.
I am thinking, because of the family meeting, that they are taking mother's condition seriously, so starting to breath easier.

I arrived before noon, but they gave me my room anyway. What a blessing!!! and the rain has stopped

sjharyn -glad you are having some time off -I know you need it.

Better call a cab and head off to the lawyers office. ((((((((hugs)))))))