The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Amen to what everyone is saying.
Sharyn so good to see you posting again Glad your bro is making progress. Hope the little guy recovers quickly. I know you and glad understand the effects of a family suicide.

Prayers for those facing surgery. That is one thing I have to be very thankful for. Other than having kids and a tonsillectomy when I was preschool I haven't needed any surgeries.

I am sore (stress and fm) and exhausted from the emotions attached to all of this. My sis has emailed asking why she hasn't heard from me. She will soon and won't like what I have to say (that I am not going east for the funeral). R picked up the urn from the crematorium in E'ton and his car broke down right afterwards. Hopefully he will get it in the mail today. He is busy sourcing and pricing parts (does his own repairs). There are a few things hanging before the estate business can be finished. One is a donation for a stained glass window for the cathedral where mother went. They have been extremely slow in responding but I think it is on the way now. The money will not go to them until, at least, I have approved their choices. There are a few other matters unfinished but by and large it is moving along nicely.

What I am facing these days is the pain that my sister has caused me all my life. I know to heal I need to acknowledge it. In my early teens i had one year at home with my parents without my sister who had been sent overseas for her education. I remember it as a peaceful year despite mother's borderline disorder This has come back to me at various times underscoring the role she played in setting me up and triggering mother's . anger at me. It happened again and again and again over the years. The best I could do was limit contact with both of them. Now mother is gone and soon I can cut contact with my sister completely. It has been a long time coming. I can finally be rid of the toxicity.

The kitties are such a wonderful diversion, The other evening Pumpkin sat watching a beefy tenor sing "Girl of My Dreams" on the Lawrence Welk show. So funny!!! They go outside regularly now and LOVE climbing the maple tree and skulking in the shrubbery and pouncing on little things in the grass. For now I can leave the garage back door and the door from the garage to the house sightly open so they can come and go. That will not work when it gets colder. The second day they went out there was a great deal of cawing and screeching from the crows, the magpies and the blue jays. A large raven looked down at Pumpkin from the roof. Pumpkin eyed him back, but stayed in my arms till he flew away, Rocky is braver and (unsuccessfully) rushed a magpie about the same size as he is. The larger birds weren't around today. I heard the squirrel scolding, but haven't seen him. Both kitties are flaked out on the sofa now, tired from all their activities and the fresh air. They are growing and more energetic so it is a blessings that they can safely let off steam outside.

Take care all. Look after yourselves. Group ((((((((hug)))))))

My friends-
Wishing all of us some positives today. We all have so much on our plates! Reading and giving what support we can, does seem to be helpful. Just naming what the fear is, or the source of sadness or unhappiness is sometimes helpful.

I had my consult with my surgeon, got all my concerns on the table. He will be consulting with pain management doctor to come up with a game plan for post-op. He is going to defer to the anesthesiologist, for anesthesia selection, with consideration for my own preferences. What I don’t like is that my very first contact with anesthesia will be with a member of the anesthesia group, but most likely won’t be the same person who will actually be responsible for my anesthesia. And I don’t like the fact I don’t get to speak with the actual anesthesiologist until I’m in the OR. I feel like my needs aren’t even being considered with this wham bam anesthesia process. But it is what it is.

The surgeon hit me with a gut punch today. He advised my 20+ year old left hip replacement is wearing out, that I won’t get even a decade out of it. I was praying the next three joint replacements would be it. So, I’m going to need four, with the revision being more complicated, made me so depressed, as I have suffered my entire lifetime with the stinking birth defect, both hips. But like everybody here, I just have to dig deep and pull out my inner Wonder Woman.

Glad, yes many years!! So much going on. My brother had the drain removed from the gall bladder. The tube for feeding was removed. He is a soft diet which is much better.

Dd’s fil bought the boys nurf guns did their birthday. E shot at him, hit his eye which caused so much bleeding he has been taking 4 different stops a day. He can’t see out of eye yet. Poor man, he started coughing over the weekend. My sil took him to er yesterday. He has pulmonary embolisms. He was admitted for observation because they are waiting to see if his eye will heal before they start blood thinners for the blood clots in his lungs. He may lose his eye.

Take care everyone!

Dad has a lady friend from church, Its OK, she keeps him out of the house. The issues is I know her from before he moved in and I don’t like her at all. Long story short, she was married for a long time. Her husband passed away, she moved here got friendly with a widower in church (who I knew), they got married, he passed away and his daughters kicked her out of his house because the daughters now owned it. The lawyers said she had no recourse or anything in writing to state she was allowed to live there.
 
A close friend calls me asking about this lady as he knows I know her. She cuddled up to his dad and moved in with him, pressuring him to marry her and for him to add her to the deed to both his properties so she could live there the rest of her life. Of course the kids intervened and he understood. She breaks up with him only to come back for another round and then breaks up again, broke his heart. My friend tells me this in the middle of this as he knows I know her. Now she has taken up with my dad. He has less then no assets. Apparently I hope she is aware of this.
 
Recently she finds my daughter at church and tells her there is a rumor the family of the second husband thinks she took all the second husbands money and spent it. Apparently they are now doing some analysis. She tells my daughter there may be a rumor about it, I have no idea why she would even say that.... So now my dad is telling my siblings all about it. I know way more that he thinks I know, he doesn't know I have a past with this lady and he is telling my sibling I don’t like her. Gee I wonder why.
 
She did spend much of her second husbands money by taking him on many world travels. He did enjoy them so you can’t say she took the money. This lady has a mission, "to be taken care of".
 
The same issue came up when she took my dad on a "free trip", only to come back to have a $1,000 bill he had to pay, apparently the other gentlemen friend who was supposed to go on the trip with her the first time backed out and wanted his money back so dad who took his place had to pay up!
 
This is all in like a few years so I can’t make all this up.
 
I have a very watchful eye on my dad, she is a master manipulator. Thank goodness he has no assets and she ain't moving in here! She has been trying to maneuver her way into my child’s wedding which is coming soon, my child does not like her either.
 
I have to recheck dads policies to be sure she doesn't con him into signing over a life policy (I manage one of them). I tell you , between the emails and phone calls of people trying to steal old people’s money and the ones in your own town, it is becoming a full time job! Talk about burning me out!

Golden, in answer to your question no we don't give our kitties hairball ointment but did discuss this at the vet appt today. Daniel got more bloodwork done. We will have the results on Wednesday.

I totally understand no contact with siblings. I have often been the scapegoat. I refuse to be that person anymore. They've freeze framed me into that. But I'm tearing that picture up. If it means limited contact, so be it. The dysfunction in my family goes much too deep to be reconciled. I realize that now. Too much water under the bridge. We are too deeply relegated to our various roles within the family dynamic for change to be possible. To quote a movie line "Baby won't be pushed into a corner anymore"

I don't blame you for not going to the service one bit Golden. Guard your heart at all costs.

Yup, Sharyn, nor wonder the dysfunction in my family. Fifty plus years now.

And so good to see you posting.

Golden, I completely understand being done with dysfunction function. A suicide in the family brings it all front and center. Take care of you first.

Send - take a look at the name of the OP of this thread. cmagnum changed his screen name.

Anybody missing CMagnum?

There is no try!

DDuck, you just go have a good sleep, get that surgery, and take a mental break. You cannot, nor are expected, to do it all!
For me, my nap is a week from today. I see surgeon tomorrow, will pick up my liver medication tomorrow when I’m out, and get a few groceries we are totally out of. Will be a big day. It’s total hip first, then both knees, one at a time. It will be a rough couple of years, as I’m not in the best shape. Husband needs to take good care of himself so I can do this!

Everybody, I have to finish cooking dinner, but want to wish you all a peaceful evening!

Duck, I’m glad the time for surgery is finally here. I hope that all goes well and that you recuperate completely.

Hi all! I have been off line for a good minute and I have not caught up.
Checking in.

Happy belated birthday Golden, I know its around the same time as mine. From what I have caught up on this page, Golden you have every right and really no need to explain. Anyone who cares enough about you will understand and respect your decisions. Enough is enough. The malice of twisteds as narcissists runs deep and no contact if you can help it works.

Barbs as usual, good advice.

Glad thanks for "twisted" perfect word for them I like ts1 and ts2. I live in the same house with my twisted and its always disturbing when I see her. took me a while to see the malice. Now i have nothing left for her and I dread the moment we have to come together.

Margeaux, I hope all is well.

tg, you'll get it one day when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and learn how to say no and mean it.

Girl, I hope all goes well with you with the pain management. You have pending knee replacement surgery? Maybe eventually the pain will be resolved. I am sorry for the suffering in the mean while.


Linda, I understand how you feel.

Well the camp trip was nice of course after the first three days I wanted home. Its times like these that I really miss my mother because we could talk and communicate forchange when I was away for some reason and at work late at night but not long before I am raising my voice in frustration.,

Its getting hard, I need to get counseling on how to deal with her constant rummaging and messing, I cant keep up especially after this trip which was draining. I worked nights but I am not one to miss a meal so my rhythm was really messed up from lack of sleep.

Came home all was fine except the water was like boiling hot, steaming ouch hot soon as its was on, in the faucet. See this is my the gist of my issues. Why did I have to bring to notice that temperature of the water was dangerous for me so imangine and elderly demented person. Why didnt my sister make that connection and this is why I guess there is resentment. I am hoping they see the constant messes she makes. This weekend was hard for me because she was eating poorly and on the move constantly and makeing messes. My patience couldnt handle it sometimes and I have to distance myself a few times of course feeling guilty. I was almost in tears by the time I left for work. I cant for the life of me understand how twisted and n2 cant see she needs a home attendant. She stands in frige picking and mixing and pulling things out. Also the freezer, well the same it just gets overwhelming sometimes. Especiallly seeing a glimpse of her lucidness in between the crazy. Sad hearing her try to speak and communicate, funny I understand the gibberish and sometime the full wording sneaks in. sometimes its cute but this sh*&T hurts real bad.

Sometimes she ignores me, plays possum wont open her eyes even when I am jokingly teasing her. Yesterday morning I was up early which is unusual and I heard her in hallway tell my sister you didn't say you were sorry. I went out and told her Iknow how she is and I know how she talks to my mother like a dog. I dont know what happend but it will kill me to witness anything wrong to my mother.

My birthday was nice., Went on lunch cruise with dear friends and then to a gospel concert which was a long ways. The travelling ikind of got to me. We were all dosing on the way, So I have been very tired trying to recuperated. Ole girl dont take changes to well.

Now I am on verge of surgery in a few days. Yikes.


Rays of love and peace to all.

Golden, just do what you want and can do. You have dealt with so much for so long. Time for you.

GirlS that makes me feel better, the scapegoat s the most emotionally healthy! I have thought I was, twisteds never could have done what I did. And even after mom passing, they would not be able to do their nastiness if they did not have each other. I like to think that ts2 would have been reasonable and responsible if it weren't for ts1 supporting and encouraging the behavior I have seen. I still just need to stay away from those two if I possibly can.

Mom's estate still unanswered questions. Last time I sent questions to attorney was nearly two weeks ago now. Typical twisted behaviors avoidance. Hopefully that attorney is ethical and remembers it is my mom paying that bill.

Golden, I am so sorry for the continued stress caused by the dysfunctional family. There’s nothing wrong with not going to that funeral. I’ve skipped some of life’s landmark gatherings myself. I choose to no longer be the family scapegoat.
One of the many online psychology writings I remember, when searching in a very dark hour, written about narcissism and scapegoating sticks in my mind. The author’s observation was that in her many years of counseling experience, very often the scapegoated family member is the most emotionally healthy member of the entire family. It took a long while for me to absorb and embrace the wisdom in those words.
I hope you can find some peaceful moments through all this.

Sorting through feelings here too. I have to inform my cousins and my sister that I will not be going to the funeral. It is not a comfortable thing and I expect there will be some questions. I want to convey the information initially so as to not leave much room for questions. I know I don't have to answer to anybody, nor do I want to stir anything up. Truthfully I am burnt out from a lifetime of family dysfunction, and the years of various duties which are not quite yet finished. Seeing my sister is always stressful and not going is largely avoiding that. I thought I could put on the social face and do it until my niece chose to commit suicide. That finished it for me. Can't play the social game any more, 👎

Gold- I am so happy to hear you are finding peace and serenity in your life right now. The kitty stories are delightful as always. Thank you for sharing

Linda - I can relate to your feelings. I never know what to expect when I visit my Mom. Sometimes she is calm and OK but then there are those visits when she becomes agitated and angry over things that cannot be changed. Like you, I learned to "take a break" from visits when she is like that. It is draining and leaves me without the energy to take care of other things in my life. Visiting her when she is like that does nothing to help her and it hurts me. I am now able to let go of the guilt and do what made sense. My Mom is angry less often now because she is taking an antidepressant. I wish you the best.

Its made a lot of relationships foil

((((((Linda)))))) I am glad you have set those limits, Nothing good is accomplished by you getting sick and your mother getting upset. I totally understand. I was in much the same position the last phase of mother's life. My visits did nothing good for her or for me. Be comforted that you have and are doing all you can to see that she gets the care she needs. I wish it was easier for both of you.

The latest excitement with the kitties is that they have gone out in the back yard a couple of times. The first time Pumpkin did NOT like the feel of the grass under his feet and - hop - hop - hop reached the deck and stayed there, shaking his paw after testing the grass again, Rocky was more adventurous and skulked in the tall grass at the edge of the lawn, but came in after about 10 mins . This afternoon they both played under a large tree and in the bushes and obviously had fun. One pot of plants bit the dust this morning so I had a clean up job to do and scolded them. They are larger and more energetic and wanting to get into more things, On the other hand they are very lovable and cuddle with me for our nap on the sofa in the afternoon. Rocky is totally comfortable with being stroked, having tummy rubs, ear rubs etc when he is cuddling. He still doesn't like to be picked up but I am working on that. They are very cooperative at bedtime. Usually I pick up Pumpkin when he shows he is ready for bed (in the basement). and walk downstairs. Rocky follows. I get Pumpkin's canned wet food (he LOVES it) and put it down for him in their room, Rocky follows and plays or eats the dry food (his preference), then lights out, door closed, and they are contained for the night. Their room has food, water, 2 litter boxes, toys, cushions and a cozy bed. Whoever is tossing up fur balls is very considerate and does it right by the litter boxes.

re furballs - gershun have you given them hairball control treats or food?

The interment is arranged for Sept 25th. I am having the urn sent down east to the Cemetery guy. I will not be going. One or two cousins may go as well as my sis and her husband, It is more stress than my mental/physical health needs.

Speaking of which I am doing well. There is life after a narc parent I am slowly getting more energy back. My dd and family are all in their home Granddaughter didn't stay long as grandma (me) expects her to do chores!!!! It's a tough life isn't it???

So the peace of my home is only disturbed by my precious kitties who are a little extra work and a lot of extra joy. Holidays postponed again for a few weeks while some stuff gets worked out. I want to go south to see my oldest son and from there we will figure out some things of interest. Love this time of year - its so mellow!

Be good to you - you are worth it,

I'm sorting thru feelings right now. My mom has been declining slowly since February. Now it's her cognition that's diminishing, making me wonder if she's had another TIA. Old memory things like grandkids names are going, and I often wonder which daughter she thinks she's talking to. Because her ongoing goal has been to move back in with one of us (she lived with daughters for 20 years), that thought is now the one right in front. When I don't take her home with me, she becomes upset, angry and sometimes nasty. It's been affecting my health so I've stopped visiting, as it isn't good for her either. So very sad that at this last stage, neither daughter can calm or reassure or comfort, but we create pain for what can't be. I'm a fixer/nurturer by nature, so it feels so odd/weird/wrong to have to accept that I can do nothing to help her. Knew this journey would be a challenge to the end.

Boogie down alright down boogie down
lets groove tonight...

TG; Please read this:
"He tells me he was bored because he had no car at my siblings."

Your sibling did not feel obliged to give him a car.

"He didnt spend much while at my siblings"

Because he KNEW that they weren't going to give them any money.

YOUR SIBLING clearly knows how to say "No, Dad, no can do".

The question is, why can't you say NO to your father?

That's the question any therapist is going to ask you.

TG unfortunately I don't believe you do get it.
What needs to change is this deep seated feeling you carry around that you are supposed to bear every one's burden and that you are somehow at fault for finding that too difficult. Pretend for just a moment that your father is a boarder in your home and you have no blood ties, would you allow him to behave the way he does? Would you continually bail him out from his own poor planning and choices? As your father, would you allow him to treat a stranger that way if he were living elsewhere?

(wait, going by everything you've ever told us you probably would... sigh)🤗

I get it, I am supposed to change my way of thinking and doing. It is just hard. The house was so quiet and we had time to be husband and wife without listening ears.
Back to reality. He is off to his coffee with his friends. They pick him up. He tells me he was bored because he had no car at my siblings. So now he will be driving our child's car all around now that he is back. What am i supposed to do? He gave me his car when he moved in and I traded it for a newer one for me but yet the past 6 years I am the one paying for the house, food cable internet heat light and ac while he contributes zero. My wife says the truck was payment for living with us. He has no plan on how to get a new car because he has no money. So I am to provide him a car. Its like I am hostage in my own place. If I dont let him drive the car then we have to transport him everywhere. He knows it and I am screwed.
He didnt spend much while at my siblings so now I have to tell him this month he has to save his money becasue I am in a tight bind until the end of the year (welcome to commission based income). I am sure he is itching to spend like he normally does. It is like living with a child.
Zero help or communication from siblings. Countdown to his knee replacement. Which I have told him he is on his own with this one I am not going to be the nursemaid again.
I feel so bad having to be like this, my tension is already back after being gone for 3 weeks.
Still dealing with the BIL in the NH across the country to see if hospice is the right choice.
Having to tell him to clean the bathroom after he uses it and watch his spending is not what I signed up for.
Tired and depressed already. Not even 24 hours.

TG, just to be clear...

When I point put that it's you who has to change your behavior (because dad isn't going to change if everything remains the same), I don't mean that you need to become all tolerant. Far from it.

I mean that you need to have honest reactions to him (given that you say that his cognitive skills are intact)...

"Dad, you peed on the floor. Here's a cloth, please mop it up, use disinfectant and throw the towels in this bag".

(If he can't follow a 3 step directive, he's got a cog prob to report to the doc).

"No dad, I can't cover your bills; I'm broke myself."

(End of discussion. If he can't manage money, another cog issue to report to doc).

"No, dad, you can't have the car. It belongs to the wife. We both agree that it's a no-go".

Change your behavior.

It's not up to you to decipher if these issues are "can't" or "won't". And it's not up to your sister, either. You're in charge, TG. You are a caring, loving person.
And dad lives with YOU.

Either set these boundaries to regain your emotional health or, if it seems like dad can't handle these simple tasks, get him the mental health and cognitive assessment he needs.

Wow, so many having so many caregiving debacles. I lift each and every one of you up.

Today I went in to pain management doctor. Apparently their phone system was dropping messages. She gave me her cell phone number. The clinical staff person I spoke with a week ago did not speak with the doctor, so she knew nothing of the very bad drug reaction I had. Doc admitted to staff turnover for problems like I had. She has prescribed me five pills, lowest dose of OxyContin, and five of the lowest dose of Hydrocodone. She is in agreement with me, we need to figure out what I can safely take for pain when I have these joint replacement surgeries. Her instructions are to pick one, cut a pill in half, take with food, when I am in pain. Not at bedtime, make sure spouse is nearby. Next time I’m ready to take something for pain, try one half pill of the other one. She prescribed me a dose of Narcan to have here, so hubs can react if I have a bad reaction. I am to text her as to the results, which, if either, is tolerated, which seems to work better for me. She will be in touch with the surgeon as well, to make sure pain management is seamless for the total hip in September. Since I’m having cystoscopy Friday, she wants me to be comfortable. Have hubs drive me, have the Narcan with us, plus take one half of one pain pill prior to the procedure. My results will enable me to give her feedback as to whether one or the other provides pain relief, without making my heart rate go too low. This is an exercise in faith, but I can’t very well not have pain relief after waking up from a joint replacement. Especially when we do the knee replacements, as those are very painful surgeries.

Scary!

We will see, will try to talk with my sibling who is in the medical field to see her assessment on him after him being with her for a few weeks. Most likely will say he is fine. WIll see how it goes. Mostly years of being hm and I cant change that. So I guess you are right I have to change. I am sure he will expect to be taken care of when he gets here... "not today!"......
Just another day......

(((((Hugs))))), TG.

Remember that dad won't change his behavior. Only you can make changes, and only tou your own behavior. Hard, I know.

Have you thought about getting him in for a cognitive assessment? Might give you some clarity on his needs.

Thanks for the comments, Talked to the nurse at the NH and she feels the BIL is NOT ready for hospice yet, They have him in therapy for now so maybe thatt will prolong the process. Waiting for the DR to call and get his opinion. Somewhat of a relief not having to make the decision right away.
On the other front Dad comes home tonight after 3 weeks with my sibling. Of course no calls from the sibling the whole time, I had to text her and one word response back. I did call Dad once. I guess I am supposed to read the airline app to see when he is coning back.
So much for my vacation, back in the frying pan.

Root;

You tell your mom that you can no longer be "on call" for anything at all with regard to their care. You say "no". Who is it who has these "expectations"? They didn't check that with you, did they?

They will be angry. They will foment anger in your sisters.

If you don't want to do "care" then don't do it.

Your sisters moved your parents geographically close to you? Did you agree to be their caregiver? No? Then you have no obligation, do you?

If it helps, tell mom "don't talk to me like that" and leave the house immediately. If she doesn't have dementia, that might have an effect.

Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt.