The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Welcome to College and Sunny! Please come back and share some more.

Joan~I hope you get things taken care of in Edmonton. Yes, I would have to be destitute or more to accept my mother's money for support. I have spent quite a bit of my own money out of pocket for groceries, repair work on mom's personal belongings...I don't even know what it has added up to because it has not caused me a hardship and I really have no concerns.

I will make this short...(an understatement for me, LOL!!) I am off on tues./wed. and the time will be spent here at home as I need desperately to get many things organized again after all the time I spent going through mom's belongings. I know she is being well taken care of so I will visit during the next weekend. Hang in there everyone, Hugs to all!!

Joan, thanks again for your wisdom and so precise stance of how many of us feel.
We never had a childhood and were the responsible one from small children. I have two younger brothers (8 & 9) yrs and was a terrible 2nd mother and sadly they have not turned out well. They both had it worse than me since I got out young too. I was not a good marriage but beat being at home. After high school I left and never looked back but still Mother has always depeneded on me and makes excuses for the boys and I cannot do eough or good enough and I stopped trying. I am like you I am doing the best I can while protecting the progress I am finally making and refuse to upset my life like it was most of the time. I lived such a roller coaster ride, it was hard for me to accept when something was going smooth since I knew it would not last long. But, now that I can accept Mother as she is and back off when she starts manipulating and blaming, I can take it. But never in my home.

We all love our parents and want to help them and the ideal situation is to be their with them but as the life span is getting much longer, they should be in a place with nursing and professional care. Most of us are not trained to deal with all the issues. And don't know when to run them to the doctor or what to do with the toxic personality, when they are no longer responsible. But, we are human and can only take so much abuse and most of us have reached the breaking point trying to change and help our loved ones. Alcoholism was a major problem in our home and as I child of 13, I called the police on my father for getting rough with my mother but I saw her push him to the limited and cause much of it. But, we as children had to be the adults and responsible ones. Of course we were the "pefect child," we had no choice but Mother still pulls my strings, I am just learning to walk away and let her get over it. She needs me now and is not as bad but I have to keep a safe distance and I have to be careful that she will not manipute me with her Dementia and forgetfulness. The last two weeks she says she is not eating and getting Diarrhea. I think the move shook he up a bit and it may be her nerves but if she does not do better, I will take her to the doctor. I do know this move has been hard for her but it is so helpful for me to have her close enough to help. But, I don't want to be an enabler and it will be difficult to tell what mode she is in now with her Dementia. Some days she is beginning to act like a child and she will be a Myrta for attention so it difficult to know what is real with her. I will just do like you said and let go and let God lead me to help the best I can without it ruining my life. So, far she can pretty much take care of herself financially and I don't mind helping when I can. But, I believe she needs to be in the Assisted Living rather than her apartment but she will not consider it.

Her apartments are adjacent to the Assisted Living and there will be no problem getting her in unless she fights us but her physician is mine and he is good and will have her committed there when it is time if she refuses to go, and he will put her in a nursing home, which she would not like. He is a wonder geriatric doctor and you cannot fool him. He has her telling him everything and he will know when it is not true. He has given her something to calm her nerves but she will not take it like she should. I am going to let him know and deal with that. I have preached and begged enough. I will let him be the bad guy and she will probably quit him. She just started taking any medicine this year at 91 and she wants to be noble and let everyone know she does not take anything other than her Tylenol PM. lol

My warm wishes to all of you. I truly can feel all the pain, frustration and hurt for each one with such difficult situations. My love and prayers are with each of you and I know we can help each other. I am sincerely thankful for each of you. Your understanding has meant so much. I truly am proud of and love each you, my new family. Each of you are so special and my heart is with you and your suffering. Just hand in and don't expect more than you can give. Your own health and welfare is so important to yourself and others.

Warm wishes and God Bless,

Sunny:)

Sunny:)

Hi all -a "drive by" as I am getting ready to fly to mother's city tomorrow early
sharyn , I guess we see it the same - their money is for caring for them. If I was destitute and she needed me -maybe, but not otherwise. Thanks for filling us in about the service. sil getting the ashes must have been very emotional.
book your family is not unique - lots of dysfunction around
kd - not sure what you are referring to - but welcome
ABB -glad if any of my experience is helpful. I have learned the hard way, as we tend to do. Keep dumping! How to be yourself in the midst of it all in not easy. Not good to lose yourself. A finite time line sounds like a plan to me. There are alternatives for your dad and you need some peace in your life, I think making a plan is a great choice! Keep us updated!
College - welcome - a bossy mum can be hard to take at times, especially when she did not do much when you were young. Lots of us did not really have a childhood.
Sunny - narcissism and control are hard to deal with. Congrats that you are out of the people pleasing and the guilt. We can't "fix" anyone. I wish I had learned some things sooner, but have to be thankful for what I have learned. Sometimes we have to let go and let God with others. We were brought up to be hyper responsible and have to unlearn that. Yes, we need one another. This site and the people on it have been a big blessing to me.

I realised in the past few days that I cannot help mother any more other than dealing with her finances and physical things, and overseeing that the professionals are doing their jobs. She is unmanageable by any normal means and needs ongoing professional care I will tell the hospital that this has gone too far and I will not deal with her self created crises any more. I have done it all my life - literally from a very young age - my father drank, my sister hid in the shadows, I broke up fights between them when I was still in grade school, when I was 13, I once told her to go to her room when she was having a tantrum and she went. I have been the scape goat the whipping boy, the servant. No more!Whatever decisions they make about her affect me and my life deeply and I am going to let them know that I am DONE with the abuse, anger and manipulation. I do love my mother and want the best for her, but have to deal with that at a distance. I know the BPD and narcissism is the major problem, and I would not wish it on anyone, but you don't stick your hand out to a biting dog for him to do it again. I look forward to seeing her in heaven, as she was designed to be. Have a great week everyone. I always bring my computer so I will be in touch. Do something good for you! I got my nails done yesterday -a nice sparkly orange/coral - goes with some sandals I have! Love and blessings - Joan

Doing the best I can do, and recognizing my own limitations... accepting my inability to "fix" my dad or his situation... being and remaining very flexible and not having too many expectations from him whatsoever...

Its difficult. I've been an exacting, demanding person on myself and my life. And now I'm grouped in with a crazy person (father), in his home, and I have to find the balance of how to still be me, and find simple happiness in each day, and deal one-on-one with craziness and anger each day as well.

Every day lately I'm thinking more and more about a finite timeline where I do as much as I can to benefit my dad's situation but make plans to extract myself from this situation... I'm hoping I can be out of my dad's house, and have his care/plans figured out, by the end of 2013.

I guess I'm just so aware now that I never truly have a moment's peace in my current situation. Could I make it work living here? Certainly. But I don't think that's a good choice for my happiness long term.

What can I say but I enjoyed and could relate to all the profound and true comments. I am glad I stumbled on this thread but when I see "dysfunctional" I must read about it. My mother is a 91 Narcissistic and still wants control. But, through counseling, I have learned to remove the guilt of our family secretes and admit and understand where much of my "stinking thinking" came from. It made me try to be a people pleaser at any cost to be liked. But, I was not happy. And it has been the understanding of what we have all been through to break this habit and those of us willing to share, are the reason society is learning there were not many good functional families. They are problems in the best. But, through our experiences and sharing with one another, it has helped me to remove the "guilt" and live my life the best I can without blame and understand that my parents did the best they could under the circumstances from their own dysfunctional families

This has allowed me to remove the guilt and anger. There will always be scars and personality traits, I cannot change but I do like the new me who wants to help my mother but not at the risk of making my own family and health worse. I know I have to be happy within and I am proud of the progress I am making. It is just so sad, it took me most of my life to understand the real problem was never about me.

Please keep this wonderful new thread going. It is right in line with the caregivers since we all suffer from "too much "responsibility" for everyone. And not only my family but dear friends come to me as if I can solve their problems. But, I listen and try to give less advice and just show the love and compassion I have in my heart for others. But, no longer do I feel "responsible" to make them happy. I want to be a good friend, but I have to keep my head above water and cannot allows those who have used me to continue. I will love them all but with my own health issues and disabilities, I have learned to take care of myself without the guilt.

God Bless you CMag for your insight to start this new thread. It is so nice to see my new friends here from How Are You Doing Caregivers thread with all the wisdom they have shared. They will be an asset to you here and I hope you find the comfort you are looking for. We do need each other.

Warm wishes,

Sunny:)

Bless your hearts! My Momma is a spoiled brat. I was an only child and raised myself mostly. Momma ran all over the neighborhood talking and visiting everday. Thank GOD I had my Grandmother close. Momma never learned to cook or drive. Didn't clean the house very well. She never worked. I started doing all of that very early. I married young to get away from it. My Daddy was awesome but died at 65 and Momma was 58. She came to live with us and helped us raise our three daughters and two grandchildren. We love her very much, I just get hurt by her bossy ways sometimes. I am not a bossy person but I can handle this. I've worked since I was 16 and became very strong, a survivor. I think she appreciates me but she is just bossy. It could be a lot worse. I count my blessings and pray a lot. I pray for all of you also. GOD will work it out!

Hello Dysfunctional Caregivers! Yes, I know its not actually you (us) thats dysfunctional (or at least claiming it) but I like the moniker! ;D

Learning to laugh at myself, and really take the time to lighten up, is one of the greatest gifts I've received recently since caregiving onset a few years ago. I get way too serious about all of the craziness and then I have to BACK UP and realize... there is just NO WAY the Benevolent Universe intended for ME to RULE over my father (my charge). So then, everything I do is just my opinion and what I think is right, given the situation.

If I start from this place... of opinion... and trying to do what is right... given my limited human knowledge...

Then I do better as caregiver, and as a (happy) person, than I do if I believe its ABSOLUTE FACT that father absolutely needs this, or father absolutely needs that.

This is just the philosophy/opinion on my mind at the moment, nothing more.

I appreciate this new safe place to dump my deepest thoughts, thank you!

Ok, onwards and upwards my fellow caregivers!

And emjo, "caregiving at arm's length" makes all the sense in the World to me right now. I'm definitely "living and learning."

Book~Thank you for clarifying that!!

I think it would be great! I live in Ft. Worth, tX

I posted a long post, hit SUBMIT, and had an ERROR message pop up. Backspace back to this page..my post is gone. Sorry,this will be the shorter version.

Joan, I do try to separate my costs with father's. Still lacking and know it. But, I'm a procrastinator. Eventually I will get it right. I'm finding your situation fascinating. Actually I find everyone's situation fascinating. It's just so strange to think that my family is not unique...that it's actually so prevalent.

Sharyn, my father and his brother are oldest and youngest. Uncle, the youngest boy, and aunty, the oldest sister, died this year. Father and Uncle look soooo much alike, walk, height, smile, flirty, jokers, and mannerisms. They can pass for twins.

ABB, I didn't mean to ignore you earlier. Glad you found this thread. I tend to read mostly and comment not as often. I've comparmentized my life. This thread is where I vent about siblings, YOU thread for my caregiving stress over father.

Book~Just so I understand, are you saying your uncle is an actual twin or that he looks incredibly like your father?

Joan~I think it is best to always keep financial matters between ourselves (in the caregiving) separate from our parents. I could add up mileage on my car for the time I visit mom saying it was supplies and get reimbursed. I don't want to carry it that far because I don't think it is right. The nickel and diming will add up quickly and that money is for mom's care. I work to support my needs so I agree with you.

ABB~I know what you're dealing with is emotionally draining. Last year there were several times that I wanted to resign my duties as second on mom's POA. I say I am second which is true, but I live in the same city as mom which has resulted in me doing the most...I don't regret that or have hard feelings toward my sister who is primary...it is logistics. I wondered if it was worth it...the verbal abuse, accusations, threats of calling the police. You know what I mean. I am not going to recap everything, you are welcome to read my profile to get a better understanding. I am glad you came back. You are wise to take the time to get your bearings back after this blow with your mother. Take care, Hugs to you!!

Sis and I went to the graveside service for sil's mother. It was a very nice service. I thought sil's family was not very religious but apparently her mother was a believer even though she didn't go to church. Afterwards we went their home for a reception which my sil cooked all the food herself expect for a veggie tray!! She has to stay busy or she completely breaks downs. You know my sil lost her 38 year old son on May 9 to cancer and now on July 8, her mother to the cancer. Her dil who was married to the son she lost....made a great, heartfelt gesture today by bringing my sil the ashes of her son. It was so emotional for everyone. She said they could share him because that is what he would have wanted. In all the years that we came together as a family with my brother and sil, her kids were very quiet around us...you know how teenager are...today sis and I talked at great length with one of her son's for the first time. It was really great and we told him when we were leaving how much we enjoyed talking with him today. Now that my brother and sil have the traumatic losses behind them...hard part begins...the grieving, getting on with their retirement and enjoying the family and love that is around them, remembering the good times with those they lost. Hugs to everyone!!

Oh and your comment about the club we never wanted to belong to . yeah! I belong to several of those. Some you can get out of and some you can't. Just the way it is.

(((((((hugs)))))) Alison - whoa, way too much for anyone to deal with. A nice visit???? Right!!! Demoralised? I guess so!!!And the mental/emotional assault is heaped on top of the physical workload and also the shadows of the past, which are still there in some form. I don't know about you, but I and a few others have PTSD from childhood, and current stuff can still trigger that off. A psychologist called Pauline Boss wrote a books for caregivers and in one (I think "Ambiguous Loss" or else "Loving Some Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief " in which she has a small portion for caregivers who were abused. Frankly, the topic deserves a book of its own. She believes that it is not wise for the abused child to care give parents "hands on" because oif the history and even current[problems. but rather manage their care at arms length. One statement addressed to the care giver that struck me hard was "do no further harm". I believe in this advice and with the support and example of other care givers here, it is what I work to do. I manage my mum's care from a distance, and ensure to the best of my ability that her needs are met - not all her wants, but her needs. She often doesn't like the distance/boundaries I keep - but too bad. My mum is a bully and it sounds like yours is too. Maybe it is time for you, Alison. I protect myself more now and speak up more. In dysfunctional families often the children are given a care giving role and never really have a childhood and certainly so not have a safe environment to grow up in - anything but!. The focus is all on the parent(s) needs and wants. I am still learning to detach and provide safety for myself -wish I had done it sooner. Gotta sleep - chat more with you later. Glad you are here. Sometimes I wonder if this thread should be called the Caregiver and the Crazies because we sure see some crazy behaviour and I don't mean Alzheimer's. Love and hugs to all Joan

Hi all, thank you very much for your welcome. I'm coming off a particularly emotionally chaotic week where my mother (who lives out of town and has been divorced for 35 years from my 75 yr old father - to whom I caregive full time right now) kept up a pattern of behavior from her where she makes accusations/insinuations to me that I'm abusing the trust money for my dad. I'm not, and its very much the opposite... but that doesn't stop her from being obsessive about financial matters that she has no business prying into to begin with... but then she keeps escalating her behavior with each trip to my dad's house... the last visit she took dad into his banks, this past week's visit she went into the police and apparently made some allegations of financial abuse. And the kicker is that my mother claims she is coming into town to visit with me... because she seeks a relationship with me... she wants to have a nice visit with me, she has said on multiple occasions.

Its very hard, at this stage of things, to keep justifying the time/energy I'm dedicating to caregiving to my father and sorting out "his life." I'm a bit demoralized at the moment but I've felt this way on and off for my entire caregiving time. Who wouldn't be demoralized? My father is an explosive yeller (theres also history of minor sex abuse... which in itself is such a complex and hurtful thing... I can't even being to deal with this issue while living as his caregiver) and loves to take out frustration on me and blames me directly for everything including his health problems, my mother is suspicious of my motives and justifies her actions (by blaming me) no matter how over-the-line they are, my siblings are either not involved or also blaming me. It gets to be a bit much, doesn't it? And this sort of mental/emotional assault is just heaped on top of what is already a large physical work load.

I'm taking things pretty slow at the moment. I'm not rushing to make emotional judgments about my mother's behavior... I'm more focused on regrouping myself, getting myself back on track and fully healthy and functional within each day. My mother definitely "knocked me for a loop" by getting the police involved to investigate my situation with my dad. But... is her behavior "par for course"? Yes, of course it is, which is why I decided to come over to this thread with all of you good people who know firsthand what its like to deal with toxic family and their crazy antics.

Emjo, you mentioned how you were caregiving to parents for years now. I can relate to that. I've often said, even before I became "in-person caregiver," that I didn't have parents... that I was as much the parent in the relationship, and have been all my life.

I'll never have a loving, trusting relationship with either of my parents. And I really don't have another second of my life to waste on grieving this or being surprised by their behavior. I must figure out how to contain the all around fallout of their dysfunction. For some time now, I've been bolstering my emotional/mental/spiritual well being by paying extra attention to my physical health. I got pretty darn sick earlier this year from all the stress. So now, when the going gets rough, I start babying myself with extra sleep, more focus on nutrition/exercise, and just let "the mess" sit there another day... until I'm feeling better. I used to just run myself ragged but I learned that that kind of repeated high-anxiety effort on my part - to solve things, fix things - just made me feel worse and LESS capable of actually understanding the true nature of the problems and make any real headway... make sense? I was spinning my wheels a lot of the time, not realizing it, because I allowed the situation to mentally/emotionally exhaust me.

I'm going to cap this novel here and be back again soon. Thanks again so much for the welcome and I do really appreciate the chance to participate here with other people who have similar caregiving experiences. ...the club we never wanted to belong to, right? ;D

Alison,

Welcome to our thread. I've been on it over a year now, and came when things were absolutely bizarre w/our dysfunction.

Please come back anytime, we need some survival skills.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

here am I with another post but, bear with me - I so appreciate all your feedback
Margeaux - I agree about the rules - one seems to counteract another, and the intent, which is to ensure that seniors get care while maintaining their rights. Sometimes it seems the rights take precedence over the care. re your aunt - narcissistic people particularly want to maintain control, and when they get to a point that their minds aren't working right it becomes a nightmare. I would think that repeated verbal and physical abuse should warrant a psych eval. Doctors have put up with mother's behaviour for years without doing anything. It was only when the live-in senior nanny broke down in hospital that they did an evaluation. I don't think they pay as much attention to family members. I am waiting at home for the call from the hospital to discuss mother's care and dare not go out to do the police report, but will as soon as I can. The nurse defended herself by saying that bipolar was what was on the report. She was quite defensive in general and kept saying she couldn't tell me anything. I wasn't asking anything, I was trying to tell her things I thought they should know which, obviously, were not being recorded right. Aaaargh! Thinking about it I think she was afraid of mother who was threatening and trying to bring her lawyer into the hospital. Mother is a bully and she will throw her weight around anyway she can. She is still very bright and articulate and will throw hurtful threatening words around with no reservation. Thanks for the thoughts. I know the right diagnosis/plan will come eventually. I hope it is this time or the nightmare will continue. ((((((hugs))))

Hi book - all those losses must be hard on your father and others in the family. You did the right thing paying for the lunch with your brother. This financial stuff can get into grey areas. I need to spend a few days in Edmonton next week to do stuff re mother. My daughter tells me I can pay for that from my mother's money. I have spent $1000's in the past with hotels and travel to see her and help her, but always paid for it myself and not asked for nor expected anything. I don't know that I am comfortable with her money paying for it. She has enough, but that is not the point. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Sis has gotten her daughter to do some of the communicating -she wants to play it safe I know. Right now she is being supportive, but I know that can change of she thinks pleasing mother will get her anything. She hopes to get all the inheritance so I know she will try to cause trouble between me and mother if she can. - has always been that way. She lives overseas but I have been using phone and computer which she can use too. Also she can well afford to fly to Edmonton. It is about 2x what I pay but I make more trips. I have to go with what the docs suggest. It is one reason I need to take over the finances and file a report with the police. It will help prevent her doing foolish things. Now she will be furious with me and abusive, but what's new? I will just have to keep communication to a minimum. If she is not put in a closed unit we all will be nervous about what she does next. One of my fears is that she will come up here and demand that she move in and I look after her. No can do!!! But it is not beyond her to try that. If so I would take her to a hotel or the hospital or get the paramedics. Right now she is mad at me and that is better - but so foolish. She has appointed me POA but has told the hospital not to give me any information -typical!!!

Alison- you are in good company - we all have our experiences and stories, and some of them are pretty far out. Please do share your survival tactics. We can all use all we can get. Yes, caregiving in a dysfunctional family is at another level. Most of us, have been caregiving in one form or another long before our parent(s) became seniors. It was years before I realised that I had been caregiving for quite a while. I thought it was "normal" child parent interaction. :p Humour helps - I have, years ago, stuck my tongue out at my mother, behind her back,when she was ranting on and on about something and I had had it up to my eyebrows (which are brown of course), Look forwards to getting to know you I am Joan (emjo)

Thanks sharyn - mother has had a few medical dictionaries for years and knows all the side effects etc. I know she would not take anything prescribed for emotional/mental problems. The attorney was very good. She has met us all at various times and I have been very honest, though brief, with her about family problems -including about my sister. She is fully in favour of me activating the EPA and Directive. Apparently here, though legally both people (mother and I) can do mother's finances, the banks will only deal with one person. I will discuss this with the bank before I "take over". I do think after the aborted Toronto trip and her possibly having given her PIN number to people, that it is time. I will also have to follow up that she left the hospital with the $2000 the time she went there from the airport earlier in the week. I will avoid contacting her directly if possible, as I know she will be abusive and I have pledged to myself that I will not put myself in the line of fire. I appreciate what you are saying about the mental illness and drug therapy. I think that is where it is at. Not that any drug will treat the BPD or narcissism, but I think there must be a drug or drugs that can help the anxiety due to paranoia, for example. It is her paranoia that is prompting her to make rash moves. I called her ALF about her and particularly about her giving her PIN number to the office (according to my niece who spoke to mother on Monday) and have not heard back from them. I will likely need to go into her apartment and check what bills I can find. Fortunately most of her bills come off her account directly, but she went to buy a computer a while ago and they rejected her credit card. That has never happened before and I need to look into it. Re authority figures, Mother revels in telling people off, and the higher up they are the better. She has discharged herself from hospital many times -just walked out because she got mad about something. And she could do it again now. This is why I believe that she needs a diagnosis/treatment plan that will put her in a closed unit. My sis and daughter . and I am sure the boys, agree with this. Even there she would try to escape - to her it would be a challenge. I hope too they have done tests to rule out or discover any physical changes in her brain. Her paranoia is much worse in the past few months and now her life, as is presently, is unmanageable for her and the rest of us. If the hospital choses to discharge her without the care I think she needs, I will give them notice that I am holding them responsible for her welfare. Thank you for prayers and hugs -much needed right now I am tired today -not sure if I will try to drive down or fly or bus and rent a car or taxi , as I will need to be mobile there. I so appreciate your support and the support of others.

Sharyn, I meant that uncle look sooo much like father that, we, father's children sometimes mistaken him for father! even my nieces/nephews.

Book~Thank you,I didn't know your family had so many losses this year too. Of course I knew about your mother. I didn't realize your father had a twin. As I said I pop over to the you thread from time to time to see what is going on with you and a couple others...beck, as you know she and I did get to meet in person once. I guess I missed about your aunt and uncle, I am sorry. Sis told me last night that she feels very guilty about my mother giving her the car. She wants me to have something similar in value, so this is why she keeps offering to pay for 1/2 of obedience training and 1/2 of the cat tree. It would be so easy to use my mom's money for these things but then I would feel guilty...LOL...share the guilt...no thank you!!

I think I pinched the nerve from being on the computer...using the mouse when I was off on FMLA. I was doing a lot of research on the computer for the teacups my mother has...looking for the same teacups that others might be selling on ebay or esty...get a general idea of what they were selling for before we priced them.

Because I have to do most of the work regarding my mother's belongings because of sis's health, we have decided that we are going to let the real estate agent locate someone to buy everything as one lot (everything we are willing to sell). This does not include the house...just everything in it and all the tools in the tool shed. We will go through the house...sis, bro, and me to pick out what we want, what we want to give our kids,etc before this is done. This process is so hard because mom is still living and we feel like we are violating her personal belongings even though the money will go into mom's accounts for her care.

Take care...you are probably on your weekend already, Hugs to you!!

Emjo,

When I've read stories about all of the rules in place for elder care, all I can say is how convoluted they are! Even in my sister's case....where she was the one who moved in w/mom, and her narcissistic sister. She did/does have POA and MPOA for mom. But she only had POA for the sister. My aunt's mental state especially during the last years of her life were a complete nightmare. Why?
In part it really had to do w/the fact that she still had MPOA of herself. Defiinitely,
I would think that as in her case of repeated verbal, and even physical abuse,
against one caregiver she was a candidate for psychiatric evaluation.

Yes, definitely use the RCMP and document these incidents.
This nurse telling you that your mom is Bi-polar, how unprofessional.
If she's a nurse in that facility, doesn't she have a duty to watch what she says?

O.K., Emjo....You are in my thoughts, especially that things go well that your mom may get proper diagnosis and help. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, sorry about your brother’s mil. I swear as I wrote this, I had déjà vu. I was about to post that father also had several losses this year. His sister died in January, then mom died in March, then his twin-look-alike brother died in June while father was in the hospital. He’s now down to himself, brother and sister. I agree about not touching your mom’s money for Midget. If Midget was living with her, that would be a different story. Smart move. Sometimes I wonder if sis is just too fast on touching that money. I don’t blame her. When father was in the hospital, oldest bro took me out to dinner. He said to charge it father’s account since we were watching him in the hospital. I felt this was wrong, but he insisted. So, I charged it on father’s card BUT I paid it from my funds when it showed up on the statement. ….How did you get a pinched nerve on your neck? From sleeping wrong? Or tilting your head, clicked your neck wrong?

Emjo, I had to re-read what your mom did. I couldn’t help it, I kept wondering where was sis. But I believe you had mentioned earlier that sis is off somewhere. As for her, it’s darn if you do and darn if you don’t. I guess you just go with whatever’s the result of the tests, and the doc’s pros/cons or recommendations. And if she’s deemed competent, you will be stressed over where she will be hitching a ride to.

Mamm, my attitude with my siblings regarding the parents was this: I updated them on every new change. If mom was sleeping more than usual, I tell them. If father kept falling, I tell them. But for the nitty-gritty detail, I don’t. Why should I? Are they co-caregivers with me where they need to know these details? No! I only give updates on NEW changes. Then it’s up to them to decide if they should visit the parents or not. If they throw a fit, I just tell them to visit more and find out for themselves what’s going on.
Just text them simple words: “so-and-so sleeping more.” “so-and-so coughing a lot, refuses clinic.” Towards the end of mom’s death in March, that’s what I was doing – texting to ALL my 6 siblings at one time. One sis was debating if she should fly over when my next text decided for her: “Mom may not last long. 1 or 2 weeks.”

Margeaux, I wouldn’t put it past your neighbor also telling people about Your teeth! I think I'd be paranoid around your neighbor.

Oh ABB...I am not a stalker...Just know book from over the past year or so, LOL!!

Welcome ABB~I have read several of your posts on the YOU thread!! Your insights are great and very welcomed here. I am sorry about what is going on right now with you regarding your mother and financial abuse. I post occasionally on YOU and so I keep up with Book. Please come back and share if you feel comfortable because we will appreciate your posts!! Hugs to you!!

Bwaaahaaaahaaa! I might have found "vent thread" nirvana here.

I love participating in the "YOU" thread on AC, but this might be an additional useful "vent thread" for me. My family put the "D" in dysfunction, to be sure! Ok, ok... so all of your families ALSO put the "D" in dysfunction... even better! I'm looking forward to reading up on what you all have going here over on this thread, and I'll share my own personal survival tactics, lol.

For now, its enough to know that I (we) am truly not alone... are we... obviously not. Obviously there are plenty of people that manage to do both caregiving (really tough job) to dysfunctional family (beyond words in toughness).

So hello, CaregiverDysfunctional thread, I'm Alison and its nice to meet all of you. I'll spend a little time reading up and take it from there. ;D

Joan~I do know...if your mother is considered competent then it is really hard to get her to accept medicine especially if she knows what it is for. My mom as you know, refused to take Namenda or an antidepressant as long as she knew what these drugs were for. When we went through mom's house, we found several medical dictionaries and prescription drugs and side effects books. She read everything because she felt she was informed doing so, but she used the information against herself most times. Attorneys will probably tell you that your mother is allowed by law to be "eccentric and a little nutty". If you are allowed to make decisions for her with the documentation you have...POA, etc, as long as your mom is not incompetent she can most like override your decisions. The only thing I can think of that might work for your benefit of helping her, is if she is diagnosed with a mental illness that can be stabilized with drug therapy, that the laws may concerned her incompetent without these drugs and supervision. The difference between your mother and mine is that my mother fears authority figures and your mother seems to have no problems with people who have authority over her, she will still do what she wants. It has never occurred to my mom to call the police or a taxi to take her out of the community. If she did call the police to get her out, the community cannot legally hold her.Her fear of authority prevents her from thinking about going in that direction. She threatens it...and she threatened to leave California when she still lived at home, to go back the Pennsylvania. Even her dr. told her that the laws are the same in PA as here in CA. Yes last year was very hard for me and sis and I would not have been able to cope as well as I did without the support I received here from you and many others. It ends up being a wait and see what happens until your mother declines further. With the evaluation they are going to do, I hope they do a brain scan to rule out mini strokes (TIA'S) with your mother. My heart goes out to you as you deal with all this but we are here for you and you are in my prayers and thoughts and I will call a few people to also pray that your mother will be more receptive to the dr.'s caring for her. HUGS to you!!!

Thanks Margeaux - mother is not in her ALF and I don't think she wants to be there. She was bad mouthing them this morning and called 911 to report them before 7 am. The paramedics came and that is when they called me and I suggested she go back to the hospital. She is there now and calling her lawyer saying she won't allow the hospital to do anything without her lawyer present. I have contacted the lawyer who will have all the notarised documents ready for me to pick up on Monday. Re break - I am so glad we had one. Gary is in the middle of it all again at work and also with his horses - more crises with them. It has been a bad year. Surprise - my sister is being supportive right now but I know that can change in a flash and she can use what I have told her against me. I am trying to keep the family updated and have a number of emails/phone calls to make. I know she will not be of any help - as you say she won't dirty her hands. I do think your neighbour is being catty and the wine does not help.
Margeaux, I so identify with your account of your time overseas and your mothers guilt tripping you. BTDT!!! And the "castrating" words is a good way of putting it. Yes we get drawn back in to the old feelings

sharyn - you know the road I am walking with mother. I called the hospital and the nurse was quite cool to me and said she could tell me nothing without my mother's permission - quite a different story than the other day. She said she would tell mother I called and I suggested that probably would not help the situation. The lawyer told me that I am her personal agent and can deal with the hospital, ( I suppose only if she is deemed not competent) and she will have the document notarised and ready for me - and also the EPA for the bank. I asked the nurse if they had the info from mother's recent visit and she said yes, and your mother is bipolar. Aaaargh. My confidence dropped. I corrected her and said she has never been diagnosed bipolar but she has been diagnosed Borderline PD. That, of course, did not help our communication. I also told her that the story about the doctor telling her he would put her in a nursing home was not true. She sounded surprised. By this time I was not too impressed and she realised it. She told me that she could not give me any information without mother's permission and that if the evaluation showed that mother was competent they would let her go. I would not be surprised if this happened as mother is very bright and manipulative. What mother would do then I have no idea, but it would not be good. I really need to get to the RCMP and file a report of what happened the other day, so she will be under their radar, but have been busy on the phone today and emailing. No use going on the highway now as the traffic is dreadful. Oh Lord, I am glad your mother is safe where she is, even if not happy about it. In my view you are right about the filing cabinets and also midget expenses.
This is not easy. We should get Caregiving 101 in high school - it is a necessary life skill for many.
(((((((hugs)))) to all

Midget was very good last, no barking at every little noise. I took her with me to visit my mom and all the attention from residents in memory care and on the assisted living side (people on AL side remember her living there), wears her out. Plus I took her with me to petsmart afterwards to buy a cat tree for tiger so he has a place to get away from her when he comes in the house.

The point of this post is that my sister said she would pay 1/2 the cost of the cat tree out of mom's money since it is related to midget. Sis also said she would pay 1/2 the cost of the fee for having midget go through training at petsmart to stop her from barking and teach her to ignore the cat. My sister means well, but I took midget into my home by choice so that mom could see her more often than if my brother took her. I will not allow my sister to use mom's money for it because the way I look at it is that midget is now my responsibility.

When sis first started taking over all of mom's financial paperwork, which is huge because she also has past records on mom that she needs to keep, we discussed the matter of filing cabinets. Sis checked with the company she works for because they have several filing cabinets sitting around unused. They told her they were in bad shape...drawers didn't open and close properly. Sis asked me if I would have a problem if she order 2 new cabinets with mom's money. I told her that I felt she needed to have the cabinets so that she can organize all of mom's business papers, medical...past and present. I told her I had no problem as long as you are not going to insist on expensive oak cabinets (sis likes everything to be very elite). As we were talking on the phone, I looked online to see what was available...the oak cabinets were like $450 each, there were some other metal cabinets more reasonable that were sturdy...not the flimsy metal like my mom had where the drawers were bent from the weight of the files. Anyway, she got the reasonably priced cabinets. I see nothing wrong with this because it is 100% related to my mom's needs.....it does not really benefit my sisters needs other than the ease of organization in her home. Paying for 1/2 the cost of midget's training or for the cat tree is very different because midget is not living with my mom. I think my sis feels she wants to give something to help me because of the cabinets.

Take care everyone and I hope the coming weekend is pleasant and relaxing for you!! Hugs to all!

Margeaux~I am feeling physically more like my old self, having energy again. I wonder if the 1/2 tablet of the muscle relaxer is allowing me to sleep better than I have been. Yes those old feeling to surface, but it is so strange because when I visited her yesterday, she was so happy to see us...mostly midget, which is fine that her attention is on the dog....takes the pressure off me, LOL. She hasn't been calling since my sister talked with them on monday and they found out mom was sneaking into the nurses office and to other residents rooms to make the phone calls. I guess I just wish that some day my mom would get over her victim mentality but I know it won't happen...it's too ingrained in her thinking. I hope you are well and that your mother is doing good. Take care, Hugs!!