The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

We talked with "E" the head nurse, he told us mom is basically doing well, eating, participating,etc. She does has times in the afternoon where she is somewhat despondent but he said that is to be expected due to moving her again. He is going to arrange for some files to be made that my mom can organize them (if she will accept it) since she is an organizer hopefully it will keep her busy and she will feel useful.

EMJO,
Re: Her driving. All of her Drs say no to driving each time she asks when she goes. She will even call her primary Dr and if he answers he tells her no, she says she's going to get a lawyer, and he tells her to go ahead. Or the nurse will call her back and tell her no. Typically she's not here when they call back. I at times have turned the ringer of the phone in her room when I can't take these episodes when they occur.
Her drivers license expired when she was in the hospital thank God!
She's too proud to admit to her friends that she cannot drive and tells them I won't let her drive and I have told her Dr not to let her drive. I had to have conversations with her close girlfriends who understand and now one of then will call to remind her about their monthly bridge club group (only meets during the warmer months because winters here are brutal.) And it's a small group down to only 6 I think and one of them will offer to pick her up, because they know how she can be and realize what a sacrifice that I have made and see how she treats me and they understand that I need a break.
There are two ladies in the group that have late stage Dementia. One woman is bad off and she's known my mom since before I was born. All of them knew my mom before I was born. But the ladies still invite and let them participate. Thank God. But I know their behavior must drive the sane ladies crazy. Thank God for them.

Margeaux, SharynMarie, EMJO thanks for your response. Thank God for folks like you that share and vent. It really helps.
Unfortunately my mom does not qualify for Medicaid but has secondary Medicaid from her ex husband my father. However, it's not free and her finances are all screwed up. Plus she will not let anyone in her house to help at this point, beyond the guy that she has come clean.
The cleaning guy came today and he's really good but sloooow. When it was getting late, my mom told him he did not have to clean her room or her bathroom. He was even trying to insist. I had to step in and say "Mom since he's already here, let him clean your room. And he said, let me just clean your bathroom, it will take 20 minutes. Thank God she said ok. I think he may have tried to mop the floor in her bedroom. Her bathroom really needed cleaning because of her slight incontinence issue which she is to proud to admit. I buy her depends but she's too proud to wear them.
Thank God one of her Dr's told her it's very important to take a bath and change clothes daily (she has a rash now that is most likely due to her Dementia and her picking etc.) Plus she orders all of these creams when the infomercials play at night (I have to go and cancel the subscriptions because she doesn't realize that she's buying this stuff as a subscription. She makes more effort in following up with the Dermatologist than she does with her life threatening medications and health. And she HAS to have her hair done at the salon every two weeks highlights and everything which is NOT cheap. Thank God one of her girlfriends takes her every other Thurs so I get a break.
I just don't get how these cosmetic things are more important to her then her health!!!! She still tries to get me to go to the salon and I tell her "I have been cutting and taking car of my own hair for decades and that's not my thing, but you go ahead if that's what you like, its not my cup of tea" and I walk away.
I stayed in my room the entire time because my brother was not here. Once he came over to give me a break this evening. All I could do was drive to CVS to pick up her meds. The temps dropped here so it's cooler but to cold to go for walks or take the bus downtown or sit outside etc.
Speaking of my brother he also is stuck in the respect your elders mode and finally getting out of denial, but I am sticking to setting my boundaries and so does he but he will just stay at his place for days and won't come around. That's when it really sucks for me.
He has been trying to get her to go with him to get her monthly lab work that she has to get after her monthly Drs appointment with her primary doctor. So, tomorrow they are supposed to go. So at least I get a break.
Hugs to all of you.

Hi New2 - I had to laugh when you said your mother would have a cow. My mother must have had several large herds by now. Some people have gotten help covered by Medicare, I think Would your mum qualify for Medicaid? There is help available from them while she is in her home, Is she still driving? You can contact the DMV and tell them about the Drs report and they can request that she be tested.

I know what you mean about waiting till it gets worse. Sometimes that is all you can do, other than seeing to their creature comforts/needs. My mother is BPD, narcissistic and increasingly paranoid/delusional. At 101 her short term memory is very short indeed, unless someone doesn't do what she wants and then she tends to remember. However, she still manages her finances (thankfully doesn't overspend), looks after her own meds, keeps her place and things in good order (I should do as well) so her cognitive abilities are good. However, with the increasing paranoia, now slipping into delusions, I wonder how long she will be able to live in her ALF. I also wonder where she can go from there. She is elitist and could not possibly share a room. I honestly hope she dies before that happens for her sake and everyone else's. She uses FOG - fear, obligation and guilt and always has to manipulate. I am getting better at recognizing it and not letting it affect me. She has rarely admitted that she ever did anything wrong -always someone else's fault and I have heard the terrible child thing too. How did we survive and come out as reasonable people?
Yes, it does help knowing others are going through the same thing.
Take care ((((((Hugs)))) Joan

I was going to go out today to take pics (early this morning) but it is too windy here. I am feeling guilty having them take mom's phone out of her room but I can't handle her calling 15 times a day with the same message. I called to see how is doing today but the receptionist told me they were busy with another resident and would call me back. Ok...I understand...but isn't there someone there who could talk with me??? Maybe I am expecting too much. If they think I am going to put myself in a position of being yelled at by mom just because they think it is all dementia...not going to happen. Yes, I am emotionally down today, tired of having to put everything on hold for my mom, doing everything I can to make her life comfortable, worrying about her emotional well being while I am holding on day by day wanting some semblance of normalcy. Oh well life goes on!!

Newtodementia~ You have come to the right place to vent, share and never feel you are alone in all this. My mother has gotten better as the Alz progressed and it does break my heart that this disease's progression is welcomed if it makes mom a more pleasant person...a catch 22 of sorts as there are problems either way. The bank my mom's accounts are at is the bank my mom worked at for 29 years and retired. My mom had a couple elderly ladies helping her...one was a former co-worker, the other is a volunteer for an organization well known for helping seniors with low cost insurance and sending info to you to join when you turn 50, (if I post who they are the admins will censor it). Both ladies were wonderful in helping sis and me by keeping us informed if there was something they felt we needed to know that mom was not telling us.

My sister's biggest obstacle is that she tends to want to show respect towards elders....understandable under normal circumstances, I agree, but when dealing with an abusive personality it's all about setting boundaries and limits of time with them in order to protect your own mental health. I hope you continue to share, vent with us! Hugs to you!!

New2dementia,

I totally understand, how you could relate! Our mother, now 92 w/ALZ, was much like this when she was young and we were children. She really did a number on my sister and me; we being the eldest of the children. Then we have two brothers. We became the little mommies, and house maids. Whenever, things such as housework (she hated doing this) wasn't done boy did she blow a fuse. She worked full time, as well as dad. For crying out loud, my sister and me were little girls, being expected to do some fantastic housekeeping, aside from the endless watching my brothers, making sure we all made it to school on time. There was no adult in the home during those times to supervise all of this. So, I do remember mother wigging out, on my sister and me.

As I grew up, and was a teen, I'm the oldest of the siblings, so I had more pressure than even my sister. But I finally figured out what I could for myself.

An added feature we had going on in our family was mother's sister, who was older than her by two years. Now she was worse than mom, w/no children.
Mom and she took co-dependency to great heights. She was always in our lives,
all permitted by both mom and dad, too. She was the ultimate tyrant. Truth be told, aside from mother's verbal abuse, the sister also got in on the act, especially when my sister and me became older, like teenage years. She unleashed some real venom on us, of the jealous, sarcastic nature. Mom's sister lived w/our grandmother. But even grandma threw her our of her house, because she was abusive to her. Well guess where she ended up, our house. At some point, when my sister was about 15 yrs. old. my sis, being the rebel, once was making a tuna sandwich. She and our aunt didn't get along at all, and my sister was more willing to fight back. My aunt passed by her and hurled one of her usual insults. My sister answered something back to her. Then my aunt came by my sister, gave my sis's hand a push (sis had a small knife in hand), she was cutting some onions. The result, was my sister now had a small cut by her hand/wrist area which required going to the ER, where she needed several stitches. Today, that would have been cause for any reasonable parent, to put a stop to something like this, and it is physical abuse. But do you think that either my mom, or father for that matter looked upon it as such? NO! If I remember correctly, they behaved as if nothing happened. I even believe that mother somehow blamed my sister for this event. I know this probably was, because my parents somehow drilled in us, that if you're younger, you just respect an adult. There was zero consideration given to the fact as to whether this adult deserved the respect! Now that I'm mature, I think back to that event...and all I can say, is good God! Shame on my parents, they sure didn't have our backs in this department!

Anyway, later on, guess who had charge of caregiving of this terrible woman, our aunt?
My sister! Our aunt, gave us many problems, and they became worse as she aged. I had some horrible battles with her. My name for her was the Battle Ax!
Mine were so bad, that I left the family household, after dad died. But before I left, I made sure to it that I spelled it out completely to mom before ALZ, the violations committed upon me by our aunt, and that I was not going to tolerate this. But this has been also the history with mom, all the ingredients of a narcissist. Mom however, employed the more psychological aspects of it, especially as we became adults.
Believe me, she committed her own abuse, verbally, alienation of feelings towards our dad, etc. She still tried to be the controller even when I was a young adult. Needless to say I really do not have a close relationship w/mom, either.
I do love her, and she is cared for now with the ALZ.

Of course she does not behave as she once did. But every now and then,
some of that old narcissistic self rears it's head. Her sister died exactly a year and a half ago. Actually, it was just about when she went into hospice, that I found the AC site, and this wonderful thread.

But anyway, welcome to the thread. It does help to vent, and we share our stories, and ideas here. I think that the more information we have about our narcissistic parent(s), or enablers. we can hopefully be able to cope with other things.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

SharynMarie,
I constantly hear the same thing that you do to quote you " My mom is pulling out all the tricks of manipulation right now. Threatening us with an attorney, her rights are being violated,we are horrible children, there is nothing wrong with her, "
It helps knowing that others are going through the same thing. Makes me feel so much better.
Thanks again.

emjo,
Thanks. I have already accepted and know that she's going to get worse. I am already looking into agencies that have qualified aids and have 2 good ones lined up. They cost so I've got to find a job but getting them to come in NOW, my mother will have a cow. She called the police once when my brother refused to let her drive.
They came and said it was a civil manor and nothing they could do. I tried to explain that she had dementia and wanted to show them the papers from the doctors stating she can't drive, but they didn't look at them. They suggested I go to another room because even THEY could see that she had issues. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see this!
They left and I let my brother deal with her for the rest of the night. I wanted to get him to give her a Seraquil that we have for emergencies but I talked her down.
As far as assistive living, my mother is a retired school teacher and the Board did not pay into Social Security. She has good health and supplemental Medicaid as a secondary (from her marriage to my father that ended in divorce), but she screwed up her finances over the years and has tons of CC debt and purchased this condo 10 years ago (my brother and I both thought it was a big mistake). We have tried to tell her she needs to sell it and get a smaller place. She has a good pension but it's all being eaten by her CC debt and mortgage. And of course she didn't run up any of the credit cards. It's their fault. So assistive living is quite expensive and she just can't afford it 1. and 2. She refuses to sell or move and says she's fine. So we just have to wait until she get's worse unfortunately and gradually bring in aids, and ultimately a nursing home, unless by some miracle she agrees to sell.
It's literally a living hell.
I'm constantly thinking and planning for the future.
Thanks for your reply. Please keep the advice coming. This is an excellent forum.

SharynMarie,
My mother did the same bank account thing. Well similar, she got off track with her bills (one of the first warning signs) and it was the banks fault that they charged her all of these overdraft fees and didn't pay some of the checks she wrote. It was the banks fault (according to her) and she closed the account she had there since before I was born.
It was 87 here today. I barely survived the heat in the house last night. Today I said "I am going over a friends house to cool off and get some AC". Mind you I did not turn on the AC or ask if I could. I just made the statement. She then went into the den where my brother stays when he comes over and said "If you are too hot you can turn the AC on". Said absolutely nothing to me but "it's not hot in the house".
I didn't say a word and continued to get ready to head out.
I literally just crept back in about an hour ago praying she wouldn't hear me.
It's ok for my brother to turn on the AC if he's warm but I'm "crazy" if I say it's warm.
The thermostat read 85 and it was 87 outside.
I went to a movie and saw "The Internship". It made me laugh. I missed the first 10 minutes but didn't care. Plus I think the walk to and from the movies did me good.

Uh Oh she just walked down the hall gonna pretend like I'm on the phone if she comes in my room.
Talk about walking on Eggshells... I could write a book on this after everything is over and done with....one day.

Martha -
I'm so sorry for all your problems.
If your siblings help when you ask, please ASK for help! I know it's hard to do, but if the need to be asked, and you need help, please ask!

Love and compassion to you.

Margeaux~It is good you had that talk with your sister because too much nurturing especially in the form of babying a person is "too much".Then you become a slave to the that person whether it is a husband, a child or ailing parent. I refuse to put in that position. Been there done that!!

My sister is still learning about boundaries and while she is exercising protection against mom's attacks, she still has this long held idea of respecting mom's rights. Normally with a person who does not violate your boundaries and is respectful in return this would work. An example is that mom told her she wants to talk with an attorney...sis is going to give her the # of her elder law attorney because sis feels she has to provide it....maybe she does idk...but my thoughts are why feed her fire? I told sis if she wants to do that go ahead but I doubt mom will ever actually talk with her attorney because he knows the situation and the receptionist is going to handle the calls.

Margeaux, you can suggest anything you want to me, I will not take it that you are overstepping boundaries. This is part of how we help each other...we may not always agree or accept suggestions but suggestions are always welcome and many times provides insight, that we who are too emotionally involved, don't see. I hope you are doing well and enjoying some time for you and your husband.

I am just taking a slow day today because I am emotionally spent and it is my last week off. I have jury duty this week and if I do not have to report to court tomorrow, I am getting out of here to spend some time in nature. It is long overdue!!

Hugs to you and take care!!

Shrarynmarie,

This is a great idea; seeing whether her phone can be unplugged.
I had thought about this, but didn't know whether to bring it up.
But yes, since their behavior becomes so childish, possibly you are going to have to find some avenue for you and your sister, so that she cannot disrupt your lives. You do need some kind of rest from this type of behavior. It would drive me nuts also. I do not blame you at all for not wanting to participate.

Recently, I had posted about how my sister complained to me that mother was becoming unusually mouthy with her. I guess when my sister raises issues such as, "It's bath day," one of which mom doesn't like, later my sister's been told by mom at some point, "This is not your house." This comment has also surfaced amidst my sister moving things around, like furniture in the house. Then my sister has become offended, which is normal.

However, I had to have a talk of sorts with my sister about cutting back participating in being to nurturing, and paying attention to mom, too. Some of this is fine, but then when my sister I know wants to have more of an independent day, or she's not in the mood.....mom has been coddled; now there's a problem. But then again, my sister operates too much for her own good on emotion. I told her to cut back. Well, she did that, and told me that mom isn't being so clingy. I deal so differently with mom. I'm kind, affectionate and all of that. But I try to be somewhat more upbeat, light and even joke with her. It feels to me that she engages more this way, instead of doing the emotional dependency, which I'm not too good with anyway! HAAH!!

In any case, this is your right and way of exercising your boundaries with your mom. There's no doubt you have plenty to contend with without being taken to Nutsville in the process.


I sure hope that her doctor can issue her a prescription. Needless to say that she would benefit from it.

You're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux and Joan, my mother's condition remains basically the same. As for how I'm doing about all I want to do is sleep. I'm thinking about going to see my psychiatrist to increase my anti-depression meds. While I'm often more depressed after visiting mom, I have other reasons that I'm depressed as well which have to do with both other things in my past and in the present.

((((((Martha)))))) Absolutely you should say it! I was chosen as the family "servant" too. It is one of the things that happens when narcissism/dysfunction is present in a family. A caregiver really needs to look after themselves - especially if they have pre-existing health issues. I think you need a plan - for your own care and for your mum's care. Ideally, your sibs should participate in making this plan and in carrying it out. However, if they are quite dysfunctional this may not be realistic. Contact the local Agency on Aging and/or Social Services and discuss your needs and your mum's needs with them, and find out what resources are available. As your mum is falling and getting hurt she may need to go into a facility. My understanding is that if your mum is in hospital for anything you can say that you are not able to care for her and the hospital is obliged to find her a placement. maybe temporarily, I am not sure but it would give you a break. There should be some community aid for you, especially as you are ill yourself. There are a few others in the same situation on Aging Care. You may want to post again what you have here as a question. You should get more responses and well informed ones. Go to the blue banner at the top of the page, click on Caregiver Forum, and then from the drop down menu click on Ask a Question,.
I also recommend going to a website called daugtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com. Just google the phrase. Many of us have found it very helpful. I think you will recognise lots. Information helps us from being sucked into the sick games. It seems that narcissists have no concern whatsoever for anyone else's state of health. You have to look after you and to do that you must come first a good amount of the time. (((((((hugs)))))) keep posting and look for ideas on the site Joan

Martha~Does the vna help with home care for a few hours a day? Is that something you can arrange through them or can you call the area agency on aging to see what your mom qualifies for in terms of home health care and if they can provide you with respite care. I suggest you make some calls to see if you get info from them and check in respite care for yourself...it is very important that you get some rest for your health. If your siblings won't help with hands on...would they be willing to chip in some money to hire help? Hope this helps and hugs to you!!

I in re: to my post and others before me. I didn't know if I should say at first but reading others in addition to my post above. I am having the same problem w/a mom that is a master manipulator and spreader of guilt.

I am the youngest of 7 kids. I am 47 and my oldest brother is 67. I am currently on disability and suffering from clinical depression exacerbated bipolar and peri-menopause. Moved with mom to get back on my feet. My mom is 90 and in need of assistance. She no longer can drive. Needs emotional support, groceries, somebody to go to her Dr. with her. Generally to make sure she her medical and emotional needs are being met and to feel that she has the ability to depend on someone when she needs them so that at this time in her life she can relax knowing all is taken care of. She has a living will, etc. very on the ball early enough that all things such as that are completely taken care of she did not want to burden others when the time cameos she took care of all things involving her death and in case of sudden stoke, heart attack, or life support needed and how she would want us to handle it.

My question is I am very ill and my brothers and sisters will not help unless asked for the most part. She doesn't deserve not to have. A soft place to fall. It seems they feel if they don't get to involved then she doesn't get any worse and will live forever. I can't even leave the house most of the time and am really angry I have adrenal fatigue so badly that I am so exhausted at times I can't walk down the stairs. My mom and I are having to rely on one another and I do the best that I can. On good days I shop for her, clean, do laundry. and have found her on the floor three times, once she was hospitalized for a cracked sternum from falling. VNA came and helped her for two weeks. I am so in need of caring for myself if given the chance I would be able to really give her the care she needs. But I don't have a chance to get well to do so. I am feeling worse because I constantly worry for her and my siblings are such a mess and just won't hear my plea. Please help I am lost and at my wits end. I want to have a life someday and need to attend to myself so I can someday. My mother deserves more. They are in denial. Not until I have to ask can I get somebody to just shop on occasion when I can't. Some of them are very dysfunctional including myself but i admit my issues. lLosing my mom is probably the scariest thing for a few of my family including myself but I am so sick I cannot even really think that way right now it's day by day as best my mom and me know how.

Please advise I'm in a very desperate state and so hurt. Martha66

New2Dementia - might be an idea to look into alternatives like assisted living. Your mum will only get worse. Your list sure fits. Please let go of the guilt -you have nothing to be guilty for - your mum planted "guilt buttons" in you long ago so she could manipulate you. They operate with FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. (((((hugs)))) look after you
sharyn - the frig is so farfetched - whether she is looking for a reaction or really believes it, who knows - maybe a bit of both. She is on another roll this morning. I told her after over 90 emails in 10 days I had heard enough about her situation to have some understanding, that I did not want to fight, and that I would not visit her if she was angry. I sympathize about the blaming. Everything that happened to us when I grew up was my fault or my father's fault - never the golden child - my sister. I sure understand that you are in a turmoil inside -it is very hard to get past this stuff
Hi sal - sorry about the cancer - and also about your sister - no heart there. I do think the best thing is to change your expectations. They only bring grief. Since she has so much money, and she has little time would she be willing to pay for some one to help you with your mum or give you a break? Might be worth asking and if not you have to let it all go for your own peace of mind.

cmag - have been wondering about your mum too.

mother is back to her old tricks asking for help and then getting upset when I do anything - she gave me the phone number of her case worker and then told me I must not call her. She gave me the phone number of an agency that provides info about doctors taking new patients and asked me to call them which I did. They gave me a website and I spent quite a lot if time this morning going through names, ratings etc and made a list for mother. She emailed me back that she had called them and she thinks they will send her a list (maybe they will but they wouldn't send me one) and that I should not call anyone unless she asks me to. I have to say I am not impressed! I told her not to give me phone numbers if she does not want me to call people and that this had happened before. She asks for help, I do what she asks and she gets mad that I did something, and, if I don't call gets mad that I don't help her. I told her it is called a no-win situation and I am not interested in being involved in those. and wasting my time as I did this morning looking up doctors for her, so do not ask for help unless you really want it. I also said I was taking a break from emailing. I just decided I will not put my name on her accounts as I strongly suspect she will pull the same kind of thing. The leopard does not change its spots. I will deal with the money thing as necessary.

ahhh - busy enough getting ready for the trip to BC - didn't need this. Better get back to the laundry etc. ((((((hugs))))) to all

Cmagnum,

How is your mother doing? I read the post about returning to the nursing home, and her current condition.
How are you doing, my friend? I hope that she gets better, and that you are hanging in there. You and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Hi all, I haven't been on here in a while. I'm recuperating from chemo and radiation due to breast cancer. During this time my sister who "helps" when she can decided to go from working part time to working full time. I know for a fact she doesn't need to work at all. Her husband makes a great deal of money. They are always buying new things for the house and going on vacations. So I've gotten less help from her with my mom. I have all but begged my sis to give me a break. She said I'm harassing her. My mom moved next to me two years ago after my father died and the house next to me went up for sale. Before that I was working part time and going to see her two days a week, a 50 minute drive each way. My sister went about once a month while working part time and it was a 30 minute drive for her. Mom never drove or made friends. She is a very private shy woman. She is 76 yrs old has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. I do everything with and for her. I get so sick of the old worn out answer from my sister that she's too "busy" to help and " you moved mom next to you" I guess I just have to give up asking or expecting her to help.

Joan~I had to chuckle about the refrigerator...a paranoid/delusional response. The rationale behind that statement...only your mother knows.
ESW~Yes, in early dementia the personality disorder traits become more pronounced, the delusions, paranoia, name calling, guilt trips. My mom even got where she was telling other people we were stealing from her. I do think at with my mom, there is a small part of her that knows her thinking is wrong and that is why she keeps it hidden from people outside the family most of the time but unleashes it on the family when she feels safe. She even closed out her checking account, opening a new account, then turned around and closed out the new account and reopened the old one. Of course she denied she closed out her account and opened a new one, she blamed it on the bank, LOL!!
Lady Di3~It boggles my mind the number of people who are dealing with a parent like ours. Yes, when you are told from the time you are a child that you are lazy, stupid...you grow up believing it and it affects your work life and personal relationships. It is a very hard way to grow up and feeling you are a burden to your family. I figured out early that anything that upset the bubble my mother lived in caused her to go on rampages as she has no coping skills to deal with the normal trials that happen in life even something like the car breaking down would set her off. It was my dads fault the car broke down because he didn't have a crystal ball to see into the future to prevent it.
Margeaux/New2Dementia~My mom is pulling out all the tricks of manipulation right now. Threatening us with an attorney, her rights are being violated,we are horrible children, there is nothing wrong with her, we just want everything she owns. I get so sick of hearing it and while for the most part, I deal with it calmly, inside I am a mess because all the old feelings from childhood come flooding back in.. My mother's rampages could be heard throughout the neighborhood, some neighbors wouldn't allow their children to associate with us. Well enough of my pity party...time to put on my big girl panties and deal, LOL!!

Margeaux, your post hit home. My mom is a narcissist who constantly
(my entire life until I went went away to college and stayed away fro home for 30 years):
manipulates
guilts
twists things to get her sister and friends to side with her
lies
blames me for everything
criticizes me
used to try to controls me (she refused to teach me how to drive as a teen)
paints her life as picture perfect now and when I was growing up when she was married to my (now recovered) alcoholic father
insisted that she comb and style my hair even when I was in highschool
so many things that handicapped me and impacted me as an adult.
The list goes on. I recently realized and now understand her personality trait and it has helped me. However, now that she is in the early stages of Dementia it's more pronounced. And now I'm living with her as her full-time caregiver.
I hope I do not loose my sanity during this process.
I feel guilty for wanting the situation to be over with and at times just want to walk away.

My brother came over to relieve me so I went out for several hours. I literally had to creep back into the house to avoid my mother. She asked my brother twice "is your sister home yet? I was in my room (her former guest room) trying to get a moments peace. I'm 48 and lived on my own states away from my mother for 30 years. Now that she has early Dementia, I am her full time caregiver.
How insane is this?!?!?
She eventually came in my room after my brother told her I wasn't home yet earlier (thank God), when he told her I turned on the AC when she complained about being cold.The inside temp was 80 degrees and it's 80+ degrees outside. Last summer I closed and covered all the vents in her room, but I'll have to find a way to do it when my brother takes her out.
Tomorrow it's going to be 84 already stressing about it. Thank God for my ceiling fan.

Sharynmarie, your post was just what I needed. It's often hard to find the humor in our own dysfunctional situations (mine is an historically dysfunctional family & I'm my mother's with early Dementia, full time caregiver). When I read post from folks who can, it truly helps me.
Thank you :-)

ESW - read your profile - your mum alternated - mine was finally diagnosed a few years ago as borderline and she is definitely narcissistic - pretty well constant criticism and frequent rages, abandonment issues that came out as I got older. I read Bradshaw years ago.He is good. The Walking on Eggshells book and workbook are good too. I have no doubt that childhood experience seriously affects mate selection. I have left behind me two bad relationships which reflected my father's alcoholism and my mother's rages. After a long hiatus, I am in a much healthier relationship, without either of those problems. Apparently we seek relationships with people like family members in attempts to work out the issues we have not worked out in our families. I am glad you are getting therapy to deal with your situation. I have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life and it has helped. I have PTSD as well from childhood and have to take breaks from my mother periodically. (I caregive at a distance). She is 101 and going pretty strong. I am at a stage in life that I want/need some peace. Good luck to you and your healing,

ladyDi - good to hear from you and looks like you have worked out a lot. I am so glad you have a supportive husband. I am POA for mother and will do what I have to in order to care for her, but I will not tolerate the abuse. I don't know how you can deal with having your mum in your home. I couldn't live with the rages etc. any more. Yes, they won't change. You mention parents as a source of affirmation. I remember as a very young child, having been raged at for something minor, sitting and thinking about it and deciding that although I knew I was not perfect and sometimes did wrong things, NOBODY deserved that kind of treatment. That led to the realization that something was wrong at home and it wasn't me. I knew she was "different" from a very early age. That is not to say that my childhood did not affect me negatively - it did.

sharyn -too funny about the ":shell" Sorry your mum is carrying on as she is. I know I may face the same one day, and also will refuse to participate. They can show one face to family and another to the public because they are sick. I am sorry the staff have no understanding beyond the Alz. She might get some meds for it. Mother is emailing again and getting close to abusive, She tells me I have absolutely no understanding about her situation, which I might say gets weirder daily. They put her fridge on freezing to show her they were going to send her away, and when she put it back to the normal setting they decided she could stay. O-kay! Then she will come on sane and sensible for a short while, then back to the nonsense and paranoia. I know you understand. I dread going down there.to put my name on her account, but think it needs to be done.
Oh well. This too shall pass.
(((((((hugs)))))) and prayers to everyone Joan

Well...nothing has changed today with my mom. She is still on her rampage calling, threatening, all the same stuff we have heard our entire lives.Sis called them last night explaining to the nurse on duty what mom was doing and how this is our mother's normal way of treating her family...she said the nurse just said uh hu, uh hu. They did go in her room and unplug her phone. Clearly they see my mom as only having Alzheimer's so no understanding regarding us...understandable with no official diagnosis of a PD.. As long as my mom continues these tirades, I refuse to visit her. Sis is concerned they will kick her out but I told her I don't think so because she is not being disruptive to them only to us. If I have to, I will remove her phone from her room and ask the dr. to put her something to help her without making her a zombie. This is the behavior of my mom that I refuse to participate in it. I just called the community because of mom's calls and I asked them if we can remove the phone from her room and what do "you" suggest we do because we will not visit her as long as she continues this behavior. The med tech said that mom is eating fine and participating in activities and actually mom walk by while we were on the phone, she asked mom how she was doing...mom smiled and said she was just fine!!! She said they would put an order through to her dr. tomorrow for a anti-anxiety drug. How do you deal with someone who is smiling and sweet to others but is horrible to her family? It boggles my mind!!

Eggshellwalker...I don't get on the site very often, but this weekend it seems my life is being written on these pages. Anyway, I too found out/remembered things from my past that I had tried to run from my whole life. I tried to drink, eat it away, no luck. As you noted, your mother and her verbal abuse, sounds like my mother. She would call me lazy, dirty, or tell me that I smelled. The best one was "you don't have the brains God gave an idiot". And being a child I believed her. Now understand something, as children, our only source of affirmation was our parents. My father was gone with his career and did not know what to do with any of us when he was home. My mother was a controlling person, and Dad being gone really set her off and we would catch all the bitterness and resentment she carried around. I left home as soon as I could legally get out. My siblings did the same. Well, I am the only one that came back to help Mom when she needed the help. I do not see myself as a wonder daughter. I just thought she could use the help. My husband is a very kind and generous man and he takes care of her when I am at work. But with all of this, she is still the same person she was 50 years ago. The only difference now is she is aging (we all are), and she can't control this process and so out comes the abuse again. I just walk away now. I act as if she has said nothing. I also am on guard all the time. When she is pleasant, I now wait for the other shoe to drop and abuse to start again. She has not let me down so far. I started seeing a therapist. Again I am very blessed that I can afford one. After a few sessions with her and alot of questions, we have found what has been making me act so crazy most of my life. I am a survivior of child abuse on all 5 levels. I am not alone with this PTSD thing but now I understand me better. My mother will never change/admitt to any of what happened. I do not have to be afraid anymore. I am strong today. I committed to taking care of this woman until she is gone. I am making sure the house is clean, meals are fixed, errands are run, appointments are met and she is safe. I am "honoring" my commitment. When she goes nuts and the abuse starts, I walk away. My only peace is my time with my husband. Together he and I make a strong team of taking care of Mom. Together we walk thru what she throws at us and we are learning to let it go. I am no saint, I get frustrated, resentful but those emotions are mine to sort out, I will not allow myself to be drawn in to her games anymore. And every once in awhile I come a spend time with everyone here. A safe place to simply vent. thank you for being here.

Forgive me for coming off as lazy, but I just typed "my story" on my profile so you can find my present situation there.

My mother, I think, had borderline personality disorder and alternated between treating me with love and contempt. Childhood was a minefield of being labeled with pseudopsychological labels like "crazy," "weird" (worse, "weirdo"), "funny," along with accusations of being oversensitive or overreacting to others and that was why kids in school picked on me.

The abuse subsided a bit when I started college but then something triggered it again. That was the first time I contemplated suicide. The college environment - both professors and peers - was so opposite and affirming that I think it saved my life.

Any of you read books by John Bradshaw? When I read the passages in his book "Family Secrets: What You Don't Know CAN Hurt You," about the influence of childhood experience and mate selection, it creeped me out. History indeed seemed in some ways to repeat itself, except signif. other is much nicer (most of the time) and even on bad days has never reached the extremes of Mom.

Sharyn, that was funny! =)