The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

While going through my mom's china cabinet, we found a shell. On the bottom it has .50 caliber. What do we do with this? We decided to call the police department, explaining to them we didn't know if it was a souvenir or a live shell. She said they were getting ready to change shifts so it would be about an hour before someone could come out. About 45 min. later she calls back saying she is sending out 2 undercover officers, just wanted us to know because they will not be dressed like regular officers...I said ok, thank you!! Two men walk up to my mom's door in bullet proof vests...LOL!!! Sis and I started laughing...we let them in showed them the shell. They looked it over and said the powder had been removed...then the younger of the two removed the top (didn't know it came off) they shined a flashlight into it, saying it looks like it has wool stuffed inside it. Then the younger officer again removed another portion of the top of the shell....it is a cigarette lighter...LOL!!! We all laughed, I apologized for bringing them out for a cigarette lighter but told them I didn't want to just toss it in the garbage if it had powder in it. They said it is better that you call us when not sure so just keep your souvenir and enjoy it.

Joan~You are right there is no easy answer and I chose to do what was best for me while sis chose what was best for her. The outcome is not really going to be any different for either of us...we both still deal with the pain of it all. I am still learning and growing in how my sister deals with things as opposed to how I deal with it. Some people don't understand that because they think I am seeking personal attention from them...why I don't know and I don't and I don't care, Lol!!

((((((hugs))))) sharyn --what a hard day!!!! Glad you had a chat with your sis and she is looking into her meds. I agree sis should not have gone into your mum's room. Sometimes there is not an easy answer to these things. between the Alz and the PD your mum does not have the inhibitions. I have seen mother like that, except for the cussing In fact, she has lost her temper regularly most of her life. Less so recently as she has few visitors. It happens in interaction with others. BPDs have lots of anger. It is very upsetting and exhausting. I am hoping that Midget is a bit of a diversion for you. Sounds like she is learning well. Hope you have some time to relax this weekend and treat hubby on Father's Day for being a good sport. G is off with the horses as usual, so I will have to take him out for dinner next week.

A very stressful day to say the least!! Yesterday I emailed sis telling her I was not going to visit with mom today because of her calling me non stop.When we met at mom's old apartment to move some of the furniture back to her house, sis said mom had left her 15 messages yesterday with each on getting worse. We had two boxes of things to take to mom's new apartment but I told sis it was not a good idea to bring it to her day. I told them all I was leaving and would meet my hubby, bro, nephews over moms to let them in the house to bring back the couch...etc. Hubby was waiting for me when I got there and it was another 30 minutes before my bro and nephews showed up. They told me mom went off on my sister like nobodies business, screaming at her, yelling, cussing, accusing. When sis finally showed up, she said she told them to order a sedative because she was out of control (I don't think they did, because when we are not there, she is quiet but is staying in her room). She has called me 4 times, I talked with her once which is all I can do. I told her I would visit her Monday with midget but only if she does not yell and scream because I will leave. I am sorry my sister had to take the brunt of it but she should not have gone to her room!! Yes, it is breaking my heart and my sister's but this is how it has to be.

While sis and I work at mom's today, we talked. She brought up her medication...the Zoloft. I told her that I have noticed in the last two months you seem more forgetful, you have snapped at me twice within one week, you seem preoccupied with thoughts and not really engaged in the conversation going on around you. She said I feel like am outside of out is going on around me and that emotionally I am flat. I told her yes, you are. You should insist they put you on some other antidepressant because this is not working for you. She agreed. She sees the psychiatrist on Monday so hopefully they will make some changes because she just is not herself!! Sis told me she had dinner the other night with her two best friends from childhood through high school and she felt she was there but not really. She didn't contribute much to the conversation. At least she is aware of how she feels and how I see her as well.

Tonight Tiger was able to come and eat in peace, YAY!! I had Midget sit and stay treating her accordingly. Joan, yes she is a poodle so her intelligence is quite high I believe Border Collies are # one on intelligence and poodles are second.She can easy be trained with consistency. She does give my poor hubby hell by barking at him when he goes behind a closed door or in and out of the house but we are working on that too. She loves socks...steals them all the time and will try to stuff them in the couch cushions or in the seam that runs around the inside of her bed. If you try to take the socks from her, she means business...growls and refuses to drop them. I noticed that if I get up and walk away, she drops the socks and stands they looking at me..."Why don't you wanna play!" So it is a game she plays probably to wear off energy, LOL!!. I will throw socks on the floor and when she tries to grab them I say no!!!...Sit midget, and she will sit and I treat her. She knows what she is doing is wrong but it is a game because my mom would chase her down to get the socks back. All in good time!! Have a good night all, HUGS!!

Emerald, when I ended up with both bedridden parents (father had a stroke 2 yrs ago) and none of my 6 out of 7 siblings stepped up to help, it was just me and my 2 parents in this house. I worked full time and refused to give up my job. Why? Will my siblings chip in and help pay for my loss of wages? No!!! They like the status quo - I do all the hard work and they pretend that it's MY Duty to care for the parents since I'm single and no kids.

One day, in frustration, I said that I'm quitting, packing up my stuff and you all deal with the parents. Do you know what older sis said? You cannot. You are the parents' caregivers. By walking out, you will be accused of elderly neglect. Pissed me off and started me down the road to serious suicide. I cannot walk away? Then, death is my only option. I started researching online for the no pain but 100% fool-proof suicide. I did NOT want to come out of my suicide attempt and damage my liver or kidney because I tried to kill myself and it didn't work. Months later, I finally found the answer. Can you believe how many people offer ways to commit suicide when someone asks how?????

I don't think delivering your parent on sis will work. She will just do the same back at you. You cannot even force her to help you financially on the cost of their care. You just have to decide what it is you really want. Do you just need a few weeks off from caregiving so that you can travel? Or a weekend off? Or do you want permanent - No More caregiving? If permanent, then I agree with the above suggestions. First step is to call around the govt agencies for programs dealing with the elderlies. There is senior citizen get togethers, they meet Mon-Fridays at a center and do projects, play bingo, etc...Some meet at MacD's for breakfast, etc...When on the phone, ask if there are other programs that they are aware of. And you can call that number, etc...Father did that when mom was first diagnosed with dementia/Alzh about 24 yrs ago. We have Mon-Fri meals-on-wheels, and a weekly caregiver respite (federal funding and donations) who also provides limited free supplies and also can purchase supplies at a great discount, a local/fed govt funded caregivers who have been coming to our home several times a week for over 13yrs.They do light housekeeping and wash/sponge bathe the parent, etc....

I do understand PTSD - I have it from childhood trauma - my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and narcissism and my father was an alcoholic. As well, I have it from when my youngest son was killed about 10 yrs ago.
Ahh, the one time you didn't go home - that had to hit you hard . I hope you have forgiven yourself, You did a lot for him. Have you had any therapy for the PTSD? I can see it affecting your present situation. I know when my son was killed there were a lot of "what if's" and you just have to let them and any guilt go. if you can work through some of the feelings from your husband's death, I think you will find the present situation easier. Grieving groups can be very helpful.

re siblings, many of us have found we just have to give up on the expectation -and the accompanying anger when they don't - that they will help. Some have found that when they ask outright for specifics they do get help.

You need to be able to take time off and relax and refresh yourself. We all die one day, and we have little control over that. You may not have been able to do anything to prevent your husband from passing at that time. I have had a lot of losses in life and really picked up that you have grief/trauma from the past. It is hard to get through, I know, especially when the death is sudden and in difficult circumstances. We all have regrets, but have to come to terms with them to move forward.
BIG ((((((hugs))))) I sense you are in a lot of emotional pain. Come back and vent and share - it does help.

I can sure relate to the running away fantasy - had it many times.

Sharynmarie and Emjo,

There's always manipulation concerning a narcissist, no matter whatever PD's,
Dementia/Alz is going on too. My sister has also told me of recent outbursts by mom, (who has been on the calmer side) with Alz, as saying, "This is my house."
You know that my sister lives there with her, and no matter what my issues have been with my sister, I do credit her with in most instances taking care of business regarding the care of mom's needs. This comment of course, doesn't go over well, with my sister, because she feels she moved in on the condition that she care for not only mother; mom's sister also. I think a narcissist while young, as when mom was younger, is going to bring up the old attitudes about control, which is primary to them. Then when this happens who ever is at the receiving end, the past is stirred up, and of course it's always insensitive and quite insulting.

At least the two of you take the high road.
That's a good thing! Have a great Father's Day weekend!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks Emjo. Ive got a little bit of post traumatic stress issues. My husband was a brittle diabetic - conservatively EMS was involved in our lives at least once a month for insulin shock. I developed a fear of not geing there over a 6 year period (those events lessened after i forced him on insulin pump therapy after his first stroke) but there were still emergencies. "What would happen if i didnt get to him" kind of stuff. After 10 years one day i couldnt get him on the phone and as most times there was no emergency - this time i did not leave work and found him passed on when i got home. Much is similar in this situation as i go home at the end of the day. The breaks i get are very welcome a few mornings a week but it's never off my mind so i do not enjoy myself in either situation - might as well just be here. It's a circle i know. Im fried. I want it in her face for a while because i think it would just be less emotional for her to handle. I have that fantasy of just driving him over there and handing her everything and leaving this area for good. Go be anonymous in a new state where nobody would know i gave up.

((((((hugs))))) sharyn - that is very stressful, yet you know you could not have acted differently than you have. It would well happen to mother too if she were "put" in a place not of her choosing. I dread the day. more (((((hugs))))))) Can you take a break? This is hardly "time off" for you.

does she take anything for anxiety? My 'gran' - ex mil - just started Resperidol and it has made a huge difference in her aggression, paranoia and plain old meanness.

Mom became totally out of control today screaming, cussing, accusing. Not a good scene. We asked them to call her dr. For a sedative

sharyn -wise to only answer one call. Hate the blaming they get into. I find it doesn't get easer to take in time. Mother goes back and forth between moods, clarity, paranoia etc and I have no idea how much is manipulation. A lot of it doesn't make much sense anyway. I told her I had called her old doctor's office and they thought she was fine in her ALF. She got a bit agitated and then said what the doctor's office says means nothing. Oh really - then why did she get so upset by it? A couple from the church are visiting her this afternoon to help her find a doctor/ make plans. They have no idea what they are getting involved in, but will find out soon enough. Shooing here has not ben much affected except the traffic downtown is dreadful because of rerouting.

emerald - (((((((hugs)))))) something has to change here. You sound totally burned out. I am sorry about your sister, but understand, as mine is similar wants whatever she can get but won't help. I expect nothing but trouble from my sister. All our lives that us the way it has been - no help - just trouble. You have had a lot of caregiving with your mum and also your late husband. Can the local agency on aging and/or social services point you in the direction of resources in your area to help while you go to hospital? I have read that respite is available for caregivers through medicare. Sounds like you need a break badly. Also, to me, it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your dad as you knew him, and you need some space/time to process this. Can your dad's doc give him anything to relieve his emotional pain/fears? Keep coming back and venting - it helps. I read in another post there could be a placement for him in nine months. That is a long time when you are burnt out. Let us know how you are doing.

My sibling just walked away after she got twenty grand and realized anything else would be used to care for my dad (hence nothing left to inherit). It's all but made me nuts at this point because she got a choice not to deal with all that is heartwrenching about this. Of thw 2 of us it would be more easy for her to put him somewhere but wont do the work. After 3 years im very close to asking the state what will happen to him if i tell them i am taking him to my sister's house and leaving the area. Am i the negligent one at that point? Ive given up everything to do this and about to the point where living just doesnt seem like there's much point anyway. Nothing is important and nothing matters. So is she the negligent one if he's left in her care or maybe theyd take me to jail - that would be a break in itself. Bad but not sickeningly ripping my heart out everyday trying to console my dad when he's frightened or crying because he literally doesnt know what to do with himself and i cannot fix it. Im burnt.

Cmag~I am sorry to hear about your mother, keep us posted and sending you prayers.

Book~Don't worry, sometimes I get confused about who said what also.

Joan~I hear you, mom called me 14 times yesterday, most of those calls came in between 8-9:30. I only answered the first call as I knew her pleas were going to be the same. She wants to home now (she has been very lucid lately), she wants her dog, she want the ladder back, I can't believe my kids threw me out of my own house and put me here, you won't be happy til you have everything I own. No fear, but plenty of guilt and obligation.
Sorry about the flooding, that sure makes things inconvenient for shopping. The last flood we had here was in '97. Several levy breaks but it does not flood in the city proper...all farm land but the farmers have to hustle to load up livestock.

hi book what's normal??? it is not just fibro, but also a couple of chronic infections. If one flares up, I am wiped for a week. I am slowly getting rid of one of them and have to keep sharp watch to catch any before they flare. Trouble is that I have had them so long I don't notice the warning signs. Thankfully I do have remedies which are pretty effective and little/no side effects. Strong? Probably. A fighter, I guess, like my mother though, hopefully more reasonable.

I am reverberating already and it isn't 9 am. Too many emails from mother again. sharyn I want to thank you for the heads up about manipulation. that stuck in my mind. Sorting out the paranoia, narcissism, manipulation -FOG, short term memory loss etc. is not easy - in fact, probably impossible.

However, mother did give me the name and phone number of her case worker from Alberta health who evaluated her after her hip op and said she could stay in her ALF. She is correct, I believe that if she is evaluated as not being able to stay they will move her to a gov't nursing home, and she will go into the first one which has a bed, If you go private you have a choice, obviously. Now mother is talking about going back to Ontario to a place in Toronto because she knows a couple of people who like it there, Whatever! It is a change from going to BC and assisted suicide. I will ask her if she has put her name on the waiting list. She has remembered that I am coming down and is waiting to unload this all when I get there. I don't know how well I can cope with that. It gets harder and harder to listen to her rants. I will have to limit the time I spend with her. Really it is a matter of making plans for when/if she needs more care. I think the options are for her to stay where she is and hire someone privately, or to move to a long term care/nursing home - either gov't subsidized, or private.

Our city has been declared a disaster area because of the flooding, though it does not affect the area I live in. A river broke its banks and several down town areas are flooded and some people have been evacuated. The rain has eased up a bit, which will help.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will try to get out for a walk between showers. Last night I had a lovely, short one. The temp was about 68.

Hi Dreyfuss, the same applies with my family and dysfunction. I was hoping that father would be one of those who suffered a stroke became nicer. Nope. He became worse.

Cmag, I’m sorry about your mother. I’m not very good at reading between the lines. I would have literally taken the doc’s words . I guess he was being tactful.

Hi Joan! I’m glad to see back to normal and therefore back to posting. Every time you go down under with your fibro, you just come bouncing right back. You’re a very strong person. Take care!

Sharyn and Margeaux, sometimes I get your stories mixed..since you both talk about your sisters and they both seem so similar. I have to remind myself who is who when you post.

dreyfuss - glad you are getting out of the house even a little - can you arrange more breaks for yourself? Looking after 2 parents must be too much

cmag -sorry your mum is not doing so well - keep us updated

Margeaux I ordered a chair, now she wants a foot stool. I will wait till the chair arrives and she is OK with it. I emailed her tonight and told her I had called the doctor told them I was POA and they all thought she was fine and could stay where she was. and were very impressed that she used a computer (true). I haven't heard back yet. I don't know if it was a helpful thing to do or not. Apparently it is best to address the underlying feelings - in her case insecurities, and fear of being sent to a nursing home,

book, sharyn., Austin (where are you?) everyone thinking of you - hugs and prayers

Ya'll might remember several days ago that I shared about my mother going into the hospital with a bad UTI, twisted bowells, and a kidney stone. She went in on Saturday a week ago and then came back to the nursing home this past Tuesday. She has basically been sleeping the whole time and was on a feeding tube most of the time she was in the hospital until a day or so before they released her.

While visiting her today the nursing home doctor came in her room for he was making his rounds. After examining her, he asked me to step outside where he asked me what code she was. I told him and the nurse showed him the sheet where it said do not resuscitate. He said good for she has a very long way to go to even return to where she was before going to the hospital. I think this means that he does not see her having much time if she does not bounce back soon.

She still has a lot of fluid to loose and she is not eating well.

How am I doing? Not well. A caregiver comes to the house for four hours. That is when I get out of this nuthouse and see my kids and grandkids. My family was dysfunctional long before my parents got old. Now? It's worse.

Emjo,

Well I am glad for you that you were able to connect with your mom's doctor.
This way you can possibly get the information about what is really happening. It truly must take your energy for a spin when she sends you all the emails, and her paranoia gets set into motion. But it is good that you know how to put your finger on whatever the issue really is, thereby giving it, it's proper attention, when necessary.

Our narcissistic, undiagnosed aunt used to do the paranoia thing, too. It became worse, as she aged. But my sister, who runs on high drama hasn't learned yet, how to manage this aspect of dealing with people. She's difficult too, so maybe she can't do this. She tells me every now and again, that our mom gets mouthy with her. Mom has told my sister, things like, "this is not your house." My sister lives there with her. So I know that this does not go over very well at all with my sister.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be offended if I were the one living there, and being in charge. But I do think that at some point, we do have to consider the source, our narcissistic mothers.

Good to hear, that you didn't take that trip in the rain.
I hope you find a proper chair, that will be to your mom's liking, hee, hee!
Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

When you don't have POA, then you know nothing. I know nothing about father's medical condition, his surgery, etc...When I was in the ER, around 11:15am, the nurse came up to me when I was in the curtained room with father. She said why don't you go and have lunch? I thought it was a bit early but decided that I was hungry. So, I agreed. I went outside the curtain and sat down with the other people sitting while I open my purse to look for my money. As I sat there, I saw the doctor go in. I heard her tell father that his left lung has so much fluid in it. That he was breathing using only his right lung. On another note, when I had taken mom last time to the ER, the doctor visited mom when I wasn't there. When I mentioned to this to a friend - about the nurse suggesting I go eat lunch - he said it's the Hippa Law. He's a security guard for the ER. He told me that he's been called in to "escort" a family member out of the room due to the Hippa Law. So, the nurse was nice about getting me away instead of calling for security. =)

Sharyn,I'm too tired at the moment to think. I'm just hopping around reading....

Book~Yes, I am my sister's problem, LOL!! It is better I let her take care of her end her way even though it is not my way...and if she is forgetting things, she will have to come to terms with it one way or another. I just don't want to fight with her. It is not worth it or the stress. Yes we have moved mom into the memory care unit because she is not acclimating to AL and needs help dressing in the right order. She doesn't always put a bra on and just gets confused about how to proceed. Last night she called me asking about midget, she said she had forgotten about midget until just now when she called me. I just got off the phone with her...she is upset about midget not being there, she wants to go home now...it was a hard conversation and this is what hurts me most as opposed to her accusing me of things I didn't do or stealing from her. She was so lucid just now...she brought up her ladder (hubby took it a couple months ago so she won't climb it), wants it back so she can get her windows cleaned at her house. It breaks me up but I have to talk her down, calm her, reassure her that everything will be fine and we are working on getting her home.

How is your dad doing? Is he going to have to go to a rehab facility to get further recovery from the surgery? I hope you are getting more info about his condition and much needed rest to restore you!

To continue with my incomplete sentence...
...since he's been constantly telling everyone I'm trying to kill him, a part of me that still liked him is dying little by little. I'm reaching a point where I look at him - and I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I stayed all these years for my mom even though I knew as a teen that she hated me. I'm finding caregiving father ... I don't care anymore. I make sure he's clean, eats, but I have no desire to talk with him. He can be nice one minute, then demanding, then angry and vicious....

Momy - I recrommend you get all the legal documents over mom first before talking to your siblings- the medical and POA. Just a reminder, POAs are easily changeable as a Will. Don't assume that once you have POA, your family cannot take mom and change it when she has her lucid moments. I have read this occurring frequently on this site. The more difficult one to change is Guardianship. The doctor declares your mom incompetent to care for herself, the lawyer processes it and you go to court. You are truly by eyes of the law your mom's legal guardian. I'm not saying that you should get guardianship. I'm just warning that it is soooooo easy for a family member who is against you to "take mom out for a while" and change POA and your mom's bank account back to mom and fam.

Another advance warning, people with dementia tends to live a loooong time. Mom was diagnosed of dementia when I was age 23...that was about 24 years ago. 13 years ago, mom became bedridden. Imagine 13 years bedridden. With just father and I, it was very very exhausting. We took shifts. He did the day time, and I went to my job. I come home, and take over. Even with this, (siblings refused to help despite our constant asking), father had a stroke 2 years ago and my siblings Still did not help. I had to ask oldest sis to come during the day to help BABYSIT both parents until I get home.

What I'm trying to point out is that you really need to think ahead of what is required of you for your mom's caregiving. I agree with Emjo, call around and see what others say, any programs that your mom qualifies for, etc....I'm not sure if your mom can still qualify for Assisted Living, etc...

Don't reveal your hands with your famiily until you have your legal documents done. Maybe someone else will come on and give their own perspectives, too. You can pick and choose which ones apply to you Now at this stage. Hope it goes well this weekend with the fam....If not, oh, well...Action Speaks Louder Than Words. They lived close by and look at mom. Take care...

Tashia - hope book's advice helps. I have no experience in that area.

book -I agree - sharyn - give the businesses your sis's phone number - not your job to be middle man. Sorry your dad is so paranoid, book and is focussing on you.

sharyn I think it is good to back off. You are doing well with the pets. cats can do a lot of damage if they want to and at 16 lbs Tiger is a big cat.

momycaregiver - welcome to the thread. What a situation you have to deal with! I have been thinking about it and my gut reaction is to get her out of there and cared for well, but there are a number of considerations. Certainly she is not being cared for properly now and maybe being taken advantage of financially. One of my theme songs is that the caregiver must look after themselves. You have 2 options 1) leaving mum where she is but providing proper care for her which can be accomplished more than one way, or 2) taking her home with you. Here are some things that might be worth considering.
What would be the personal cost to you of leaving your home and family (you mentioned "we") and moving in with your mum. Her boyfriend is 84 and may need help soon too. Are you willing to take that on? How traumatic would it be for your mum to be separated from her boyfriend or would you take him to your home with her? Do you have DPOA financial and medical now - she needs that.

I wasn't clear about the comment by family "that is why we have to decided where to place Mom". have they found a facility for her? Are you totally against a facility? In some cases, families find it is a good option.

I understand your shock at seeing your mum as she is, and that no one is caring for her, giving her meds etc. Could you contact the agency on aging in her area and/or social services and discuss the situation with them? Are you able to go to your mum's doctor with her and discuss it with him/her?
Another option could be to obtain/hire help to come in daily, see to meds, bathing, meals etc. Distance caregiving is not easy but, in some cases, doable.

Remember that mum is on a downhill journey, and will require more care in time than she does now. You need to consider how that would affect you if you take her home with you, or move in with her. There is much information on various threads here about that.

Wish there was an easy answer, Sounds like the family will be upset by anything you do, but IMO, your mum's welfare comes first. It may be too late for DPOA etc. you need to check that with an attorney, but it is something should have, or you may have to go the guardianship route.

Please let us know how it develops. ((((hugs)))))) and prayers Joan

Everyone please bear with me on this because I walked into a situation that I wasn't expecting. I live in another state, I was caregiver to my husband for 4 yrs he passed away in January of this yr. the lonof 30 yrs. The lonliness after his passing was more than I expected so I planned a getaway trip. I knew my Mom had dementia and figured it was a good time to go for a visit. I was assured that she was being well cared for by her boyfriend and a family member. When I saw my Mom she was frail 89, smeeled and the family joke was "I see Gramma is wearing her uniform" they said this because she alwas had the same clothes on. After observing and journaling the days events I found: Mom was sleeping in her clothes and wearing them the next day. this turned out to be a total of thirteen days..
Mom wasn't getting help with her personal hygiene.
she hadn't been to a doctor in 8 mo. the reason I was given was she hasn't been sick.
she hadn't been given her Meds properly. There is a lot more I saw wrong but I will go on to the next subject. There was a family discussion with a sibling that was suppose to be taking care of her and I advised her of my observations . The excuse I received was, well her boyfriend he is 84 asked for help that is why we have to decided where to place Mom. I suggested her moving with me and all hell broke loose. there was no ways she was moving out of state, Why should I take her when I haven't been around to help since the onset of her Dementia. I bit my tongue because I didn't want to start a bigger family war by using the word "neglect" . These family members see Mom once a week for 30 min. they had left her complete care to Moms boyfriend, but they controlled the finances.
My Mom has lucid moments where she can hold a short conversation sat with me for a day very concerned for my health when I had a hospital emergency visit and asked me how I felt or did I need anything. when these thing were relayed to the family. I was wrong Mom is going down hill fast etc. etc. After thorough investigation there was no Power of Atty, there was no Health Care Proxy. All legal with an Atty, I took Mom to the bank and we found monthly withdrawals on her Acct. I asked her boyfriend if he knew about them and he said yes, my ---------- didn't want to have to pay taxes on the joint acct. so it was kept a a minimum. I closed the acct and Mom reopened it with me. My family has no idea I did any of this and will find out this week end.
Everytime I tried to inquire as to Moms financial status before doing all this I was met with no answers or vague answers or accusations of only wanting Moms money. I make 3x's as much as my mother and don't need her money.
My home is paid for we would have everything we need and she would have a free healthcaregiver. So my question to all of you is how do I deal with this should I move in with my Mom here or take the chance of it being too traumatic to take her away from her customary environment. thank you for reading this

Hi Tashia, Welcome to AC! Does Medicare cover adult pampers?! You mean all these years (uhm….19 years) my mom could have had help with her pampers? And now father is using it. I hope someone knows if this is possible. If you really want to know the answer, try calling Medicare and ASK if they do cover pampers. I do know that here on island, Medicaid covers it.

Sharyn, when I speed read, I think I missed a vital information. I didn’t know that your mom has moved to memory care. I figured it would have happened sooner. I laughed aloud when your figured out your sister’s problem- was you! ;) Yep, give her number to the callers. As POA, that is her responsibility. You do know that she will blame you, right?

Yes, my father has named me the main person trying to kill him. He’s telling everyone – family, govt caregivers, the hospital staff….except, I can’t

I decided I am going to give out my sister's work phone to businesses that call me so I don't have the be the middleman, its sis's problem. I am going to change my approach with her, not talk too much about mom's issues with her for awhile so she can have time to absorb the situation better, deal with her feelings about it.

Tiger and midget can be in the same room together now, but I have to keep midget on a leash, she will sit (most of the time) when I tell her too. I dont trust her completely around the cat because she gets this look in her eyes, occasionally tries to go to tiger, don't know if she will bite tiger, but if she does...a little 13lb dog vs. a 16lb cat with claws...the fur will fly, LOL!!

Joan~A flood...wow, is that a seasonal thing you have to deal with, hope your not too stranded for long.

((((((sharyn))))) I see your sis and her attitude as the problem - not you. No, you are not expecting too much of sis to deal with paperwork in a timely manner. That is her job as POA. And I think you are wise to stay away on Saturday or there may be more snide remarks. I totally understand you not wanting to keep Midget there for the 10 days when the community has called you twice about her barking. It is not fair on the other residents. I expect Midget would not change unless trained and it is good of you to work with her. I also agree that they did enough moving the light stuff of your mum's. I don't see the point of getting upset about things like that - just work with it! Do you sometimes feel you are the only sane person in your family?

Wondering how everyone is - cmag is your mum still improving and perhaps back in the nursing home?

I have some hugs I will answer - been downed with an infection flare up this week. Gotta stay in top of it better - takes too much out of me.

On a different note, I was disposing of some of those foam popcorn thingies that come as packing in boxes and spilled a few in the kitchen so thought I would just take the box outside and dump it in the recyclable plastic bin. Well the edge of the box caught pn the bin and I dumped them in the grass which is fairly long in the area. So instead of picking them up in my comfortable kitchen I was picking them out of the mosquito infested grass outside!!! Not impressed with myself! I put on one if the clip-on mosquito repellant things. Maybe it helped, but I got quite a few bites. Oh well, this too will pass.
Have a good evening, everyone!

The other issue is that I removed midget from the community on Monday because they called me for the second time about her barking keeping residents awake. Sis was not happy about that because she wanted to keep midget there for the 10 day they said she had to adjust to memory care. I felt midget is not going to adjust without training and the aides should not be expected to train a dog. This is where sis's sarcasm about the dog comes in.

Joan~Because my sister has shown me over time that she is not following through on things very quickly...for instance...I got a call on Monday from the security company on mom's house. They sent sis paper work 2-3 weeks ago for her re-sign because they required her to sign it with her name...followed by, POA for in fact for...my mom's name. Maybe I am expecting too much from sis to follow through on this, I honestly don't know since I deal with paper work and bills asap.This is not the first time sis has let things lag before responding and she said, OH, I thought I took care of that...I will call them. After mom being moved to memory care yesterday, sis was not happy with how the community handled it because they only moved mom's heavy furniture like her bed, dresser, glider/rocker, tv and phone.l Mom was moved from a one bedroom apartment to a studio.Sis wanted to lodge a complain immediately because there were still mom's clothes in the closet, towels and sheets, an night stand and lamp to move. All it required was using their dolly and moving it all...very simple to me. I told sis, if you want to talk to "A" asap, they go ahead but I think what they did was "fair". She took the same attitude with me as last Saturday...not wanting to talk with me Today, I sent her an email that I had contacted our brother to see if his sons could move mom's couch, coffee table, and end tables and the small dinette we bought for mom back to mom's house on Saturday. I told her this would take place at 9 am because brother's family is having a family reunion Sat. afternoon and (sincerely I meant, that if she did not want to be there at that time she could come later so we could work in mom's house)...her response was, I already sent emails to our nephews but they already knew about it because you made contact first and if you want to sleep in because of midget keeping you awake barking all night go ahead.
Her sarcasm is obvious because I know her...I am thinking it may be best I don't show up on Saturday. Apparently I have stepped on her toes and I really don't want to deal with her.

I know what you mean about your mother with the paranoid issue. You have a good handle on it even though it is frustrating and time consuming. Thanks for listening to my rant!! Hugs to you!!