The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - good suggestion BUT - mother does not have a doctor at present. According to her (I have to precede everything with this because I don't know what is real and what isn't - I think this is.) there is a young couple who will visit her Saturday and help her find a doctor. If she finds a doc she likes I may be able to go with her to an appointment one day, and then see him privately later to talk about it. Apparently it is common that paranoid people will not take treatment as they think someone is trying to harm them. I really need to start documenting her accounts of the plot to get rid of her. This paranoia does make her very anxious, but then so do other things - part of the PD. Mother has refused all her life to take any mood stabilizing drugs. Even if a doctor prescribed them, you can lead a horse to water, but... She seems to like getting angry - sort of a high - and it energizes her, while it exhausts everyone else. Yes, the blame game all the time. Midget's fault eh? Convenient!
Good for you for training Midget. Is she a poodle? They are smart. I do think dysfunctional people have dysfunctional pets. When my parents chose a dog for us they chose one with a pedigree (elitism), which also had a temperament problem (anger) so he could not be shown in the dog shows and that is why they were selling him. This for a pet for a family with young children? Inevitably, he bit a neighbourhood child and had to be put down. Another family trauma! It was not handled well. He was a lovely dog in many ways but his temper flared at times -I have a scar to prove it.

Your sister's problem is you??? I don't think so, sharyn!!! Why do you say that?

I have figured out that my sister's problems is with me!!

This is a dysfunctional thread but my mom's dog is dysfunctional because my mom trained her so indulge me while I talk about the dysfunctional dog.,LOL!! It sure beats dysfunctional people!! I am using positive reinforcement with midget to train her not to bark, to sit, quiet, leave it be. I have a clicker and when her behavior is positive I click it give a hand signal telling her quiet (whatever the command) and treat her. I am making slow progress with her but she has been allowed to have these behaviors for 5 years so it will take some time and will benefit my mom in the long run.

Joan~Since you have DPOA, can you intervene in getting your mom on some meds that may help with the delusions?? My mom also has long held beliefs that family is against her and the medical profession is out to do away with the elderly. She is blaming (you know the blame game people with PD use) the fact that she was moved downstairs to memory care on midget. The real reason mom was moved is because she is having trouble dressing in the right order, because of the dementia she is not able to befriend others in AL. Just a suggestion hope it helps!!

emjo...I am trying to get help asap. I glad things are moving but now it is going fast...I hope to have the fiduciary here tomoro I told her what was going on she sed she would help me. I hope she is not going to be a disappointment cause I have little options otherwise...cant believe tho if I never broke her rib I would have never known...stranger than fiction, I tell ya...anyway I did all I could do if the don't respond then they again have shown no cooperation so in the file this goes! all I can do....now I got to go back and organize all my notes n records I didn't expect to have to jump so quick tho so ma is kinda lonely today. but in the end this is for her so good is good! I just would rather be snuggling with her more than this oh ho hum n a bottle of rum!

Wishing you success in your battles, juju. Can you get some help?

I have done a pile of reading and it seems that mother likely has delusional disorder - the paranoia. She fits the description for it as her cognitive abilities are still good but she believes there is a plot against her.. This may or may not lead to dementia. She fits the criteria for that form of paranoia, as well as narcissism, and Borderline PD. Definitely the paranoia is getting worse, so I just have to watch and see what happens. If she starts failing in managing her finances, for example, it would indicate a slide towards dementia and a need for an evaluation. Otherwise, she is fine where she is. I ordered her a chair for her spare/TV room once she realised she will have to move the bed over, so she is happy - for a while.
Rain continues to be forecast, so I am going nowhere except the short trip to BC with G next week. Parts of the city are flooded, and the main hiways were closed for a while due to flooding, so I am not tackling the drive. though the bus would be safe.Thankfully, mother seems t have forgotten that I said I would come.
Peaceful again for now. I am thankful for that. Hope everyone is having a decent day. Love and hugs - Joan

I sure hope the VA fiduciary wasn't blowing smoke up my $ss to... i broek down to her and sed u needa help me stop this train,,,she sed she would i am praying will not fail us...I CANT DO THIS ALONE ANYMORE

not to mention HER PAIN N SUFFERING, freaking lawyers are gonna start breaking her life down to figures that are not worth their time...i am agry this morning but relieved i have light and what will be...im going to heaven when i go...i fear where those individials will go !!!

They just irk the doo doo outta me!!! THis is a wonderful woman, why is this happening again.. I mean I already knw that is the stupidest thing ive heard. a patient doesn't have the right to know their concerns were addressed properly! im just to tired to think or find online and no one open here yet im so mad I just want to know if this woman is lying to me after we straighten that out yesterday about her first mistake! This could be my ticket outta the financial mess. that be awesome,
I just need to know what is the patient advocate suppose to do for you anyway
i have no idea cause they haven't done squat! that is most urgent and a see if i can get new social worker...i do not want the same one anymore....her eyes glaze over and she sez Medicaid is the only solution, other than putting unskilled workers in home with fraiL sick people....there has got to be more. so ya turns out, anyone can walk off the street take a four hour class and be left to care for my mom! omg i should go after them to,,,,but i need them so babystep just see if i really got a case or not. I am so anxious now cause ma got me scared,,,,,
they missed L1 fracture in april, mom had not been walking since her april stint in ER for a fall out the wheelchair. when i took her in for ribs i sed u need to recheck her and whammo....3rd completely botched and i have been draggin her around since then...previous she was on 2step xfer...I am pissed off, who is paying for my back! and Arthritic hands

I just need one lil piece of information but I cried myself to sleep mom sleeps so she don't hear me...I cant even see my eyes hurt so bad....
and I cant seem to find this answer easily. could anyone here help me?

I got her files yesterday it was supposed to include the two complaints the 'PATEINT ADVOCATE' had assured me had been addressed.... she assured me! she would get it taken care of...when mom's treatment was bothched
I told her clearly my job is to take care of my mom your job is to take care of me! she agreed and promised it would be handled...so I get a phonecall week later. they have made a thourouth investigation and found no wrong doing on hsptl part
so I want those records and they tell me I do not have a right to them?

Well this morning reality sets in and it was not good news, my relief was in my breakthrough and the wonderful doctor yesterday who showed me a way never have to bring my mom into that hell hole again! plus a ton more,

there is something really wrong with a hospital that you have to tremble in fear of using and nearly stroke you out.....I mean I got a big enuf job already and to have to fite tooth n nail to correct the system that is killing my parents, ughhhhhh LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH, IM GONNA HAVE TO PULL THIS ONE OUT MY%SS..
but without them stroking me out I mite not be on this site.. so anyway trying to cope but just my whole strategy with them will crumble if that statement is true above...and I wont be as confident I got em.....it will be harder fite yada yada

Juju it sounds like you are getting to be more proactive which is a good thing and I am glad you are a part of our group-I am not on as often but do read the posts and keep up with all my old and new friends. This month has been very busy with things to attend -many with my boyfriend and some alone but I am so happy and lucky to have found such a great caring man to spend time with after being so unhappy for so many years.

I MEAN DOESNT HIPPA COVER THAT?? THAT IS THE MOST INSANE ANSWER NEXT TO YESTERDAY WHY WOULD A PATIEINT NOT BE ALLOWED ACCESS TO SEE THAT THEIR COMPLAINTS ARE BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY....

I am seeking legal aid for my mother so I retrieved all of her records from the hospital today, went to patient advocate and asked her to show me where to find in this pile of papers the two complaints I filed with you verbally...she stuttered and said that is not patients right to see those records...I am to tired to fite and I pad went dead so I will call her in a bit to ask her to repeat what the rule was cuz I am confused I don't understand why that would not be part of the file. when we spoke on phone it was my main request. complete files including complaint and follow thru actions....she sed she would get em for me and now...that is not my right??? these guys are pissin me off something fierce...I need It and I need it now! iM SO TIRED GOT THE CRYIN EYES ,,,,I NEED HELP ON THIS ONE!

Another amazing day.... this appointment was already scheduled b4 incident and back specialist in same office didn't even have to go to two offices! And DR K her surgeon was the port in the storm last time and was absolutely wonderful with us today....things mite not be great outlook but I was validated. I have never felt so trusting and comfortable with a DR ever I sed that from the our first meeting....but since HIP is cleared we no longer see him... we didn't even talk about the hip....we talked about ER incedents, he advised me if you go for it, leave fosomax out, I would not win that one, but the rest...go for it!!! and what I need to do for ma...how to proceed to get her proper care, etc. in his professional dr speak he confirmed for me the hospital here sucks! gave me excellent options...ideas and even allowed me to explain MY ailments in MY hands/back and took a look/advised..... I am relieved....now I got to do the painful task of documenting everything.. including this crazy rant somewhere here....I don't even wanna look....but could help with case! idk..pain n suffering for sure! but will it help idk??? or get us anything idk??? oh well
was a great day and I have no more poison in my heart for the system and not doing enough or being able to do enuf! Now I can just love my mom without guilt for failing her and the whole family! I am free!

THANKS GUYS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME...CANT WAIT TO CHECK PULSE TOMORO!

Hi,
Can anyone share information with me on getting adult diapers through Medicare at a discount rate.

sharyn re "if I had kids who cared about me and that I could depend on, this wouldn't be happening" those comments do still hurt don't they -- especially after all the work you have been putting into her move, and keeping her safe. Mother has made those kind if statements. and they sting. What she doesn't like always has to be someone's fault and often the someone is us. It gets discouraging
Prayers back for you and (((((((hugs))))))

Joan~Oh, I guess I wasn't understanding completely regarding the paranoia part...I am sorry. i was thinking it was more along the lines of manipulation, I totally understand the believing the paranoia because I know my mother does too. Even as progressed as she is, as recent as last night, she called (because I took midget out of the community permanently, yesterday) saying, "if I had kids who cared about me and that I could depend on, this wouldn't be happening." She truly believes this but I don't want to let it get me down...it does hurt...just like your mother's paranoia hurts and is frustrating to deal with. I am thinking about you, sending prayers that your mother will be more receptive, less combative. Hugs to you!!

sharyn - glad your arm is getting better. I truly do not think my mother is telling what she wants me to hear. I think she believes it. She has been increasingly paranoid over the past 6 or 7 years after an episode in hospital where, according to her, she had low sodium. She was never the same after that. She has hopped from one doctor to another since she has been in Edmonton, so that is not new, but to completely misrepresent what happened to that degree is new as far as I know. But unless you are there, or as I did this morning, call whoever else was concerned, you don't know. I do believe she thinks there is a scheme to get her into a nursing home. This has been going on for a while. I think it is related to her fears of going into a nursing home. Now she says the fight to move her out is over for now - but it has been quite a fight!!! Not sure who she has been fighting with - it is all in her head.

I will have to deal with the chair. She needs it NOW! She says she sits in discomfort while I sit in comfort in HER chair. The violins are playing!!! Oh, the guilt trips lol. I am going out for a breath of fresh air.

Joan~I got a chuckle when you posted on the wrong thread....been there done that, LOL!!

Rosebud~I guess in some ways we were lucky my mom never had problems with people outside the family because she presented her fake self to them and was excellent at maintaining that persona at work. At home, she was her true self and if the people she worked with heard what she said about them, they would not have been friends with her. Hang in there and come back to vent or just share.
Joan~Sorry your infection is flaring up. I commend you for calling your mother's dr. to get more info on your mother's visits. Now you know more and that your mother is probably telling you what she wants you to hear. Time will tell if dementia is coming in the picture and I hope for your sake it isn't. Take care, hoping you feel better quickly.
Margeaux~Thank you for looking up info on zoloft. What I found was a forum on Yahoo where people posted having the loss of time issue, not remembering what happened during that time, and mild hallucinations. These people felt that the benefit of the drug outweighed the side effects even with those that felt they had mild bipolar side effects. I have taken prozac and wellbutrin at different times with great success, I did not care for paxil...felt it did nothing for me. I didn't have side effects. My sis's cognitive issue regarding the plastic bag conversation, I really think it is a side effect as well, she wasn't like that 4-5 months ago. I suspect that because my sis was demoted at work, she may be afraid to ask for time off during the week to help at mom's house. She said both bosses have seen her sleeping at her desk and she is waiting for them to call her in to talk about it. I have been after her for a year now to check her blood sugar during these low energy times at work but she won't do it because the dr.'s told her to only test her blood sugar in the morning and again at night. Yes my sister has questioned her PCP about these side effects and she has referred my sis to a psychiatrist because it is out of her level of knowledge. I am just backing away from her so she can hopefully work it out.
My arm is getting better, I am rotating ice packs and heat and while this post is long, I am limiting time on the computer since using my arm typing, the mouse,causes tingling...the pain is better though. In regards to your sister, your observations are right on target. You know what to do with the boundaries, we all slip from time to time. Hang in there!!
Take care everyone and Hugs to all!!

yes. Margeaux - keep your boundaries up. I think your sis is a user and it is all about control. You would think she would show some concern for you and your hubby. You definitely made the right call not taking your mum out of her home that day.

juju -prayer does work!!!

talked with the nurse from my mother's ex-doctor's office and nothing transpired as mother told me, She went there stating they had asked her to go there to get a new prescription for her inhaler (nasal) when in fact they have told her that the pharmacy can fax them. Nothing was said about her head bump or about her going to a new facility. The head nurse was in the examining room all the time. Nor did mother tell the doctor that he was not her doctor any more. So this is all in her head. Nevertheless, I think she is still capable of living where she is. She is convinced there is a plot to turf her out and send her somewhere "down south. She is looking for a new doctor with the help of a young couple from the church. She has burned up so many relationships in that church, but more people seem to keep coming.

And pigs flew again - she said that something was not my cousin's fault, it was her fault!!!! That's twice now! Maybe with decline things are changing a bit!

Having read many posts on this forum, I know there is no point in challenging her paranoid assumptions. Right now she feels I am on her side and that is good. She is after me to order her a rocking chair for her small bedroom and I have to figure out how to deal with that. Worst comes to worst they will deliver it and she will see it doesn't fit and they will have to take it back.

Have a great day everyone and - look after you! ((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Interesting.......

I went to relieve the caregiving situation end of last week, and I have not heard anything from my sister.

I thought her request was rather strange, when I thought about it later.
She called me late Thursday night, stating that the daytime caregiver had just phoned her saying she was unable to show up Friday.

So this is where I enter the picture. Now my sister called me, and asked me first, if I could do a favor for her. I asked what that was, and she told me of the dilemma with the caregiver. So I said, "yes, I'll go be with mom." So I thought that was that. She now goes on to tell me, that I pick mom up, and take her to my place. I live something like 37 miles away, in a big city. Friday being probably the worst day for traffic. My sister works in the downtown area. So her request was that she'd just pick mom up after work.

After it was all said and done, I realized, that my sister was not only asking a favor of me, but she was telling me how to do it. Anyway, I'd posted about the fact that when I arrived at mom's, now the caregiver was there. But later this caregiver left about noon w/my sister's daughter (the one w/newborn baby).
I stayed there with mom. The plan suggested by my sister about taking mom across town fell through because mom, I felt just wasn't up to moving about.

As I was there at moms, I was watching the news. Suddenly, there was all of this very dramatic news just a few blocks where I live in which there were some killings, and lot's of police presence. It was so bad, that they advised no one go into the area, unless they were residents. All of these events sealed the deal w/me, as to my decision of taking mom across town to my place.

I called my sister sometime in the afternoon to tell her about the change in the plan. I also gave her all of the aforementioned reasons. My sister had no idea what was going on in terms of my neighborhood news, of course since she was at work.

I left mom's home about 5:30 that evening, once the evening caregiver show up to take over. Well, it is now Tues., and I find it quite interesting that my sister has not so much as called. I say this especially given the events that occurred in our neighborhood. One would think that she would call just to see whether my husband and me are o.k., and to properly thank me.

I'm wondering whether, she got her feathers ruffled, since there were other factors FOR ME to consider about taking my mom to my place that day.
I must admit, I feel a bit stupid for allowing my sister to do this. Have to keep my boundaries up! She is such a manipulator. My cue should have been, when she said, "Can I ask you for a favor."
Margeaux

Waiting for a phone call from my mother's ex doctor's office to find out what happened at her last visit with him. The nurse said he has seen him 8 times, so he should have a good idea about her issues, and she also said that they looked after her very well. I said that I knew.

Mother seems to ne on a high right now as "the scheme to get her out of her ALF" hasn't worked. Her paranoia is increasing, I can't go down this week, but maybe in a week or two.

sharyn - the business of having everyone agree is familiar to me. Mother wants everyone "on her side" and gets upset if you disagree - no matter how carefully you phrase it.

have a good day all!

rosebud -I recognize what you are saying. M mother was diagnosed a few years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is narcissistic and is increasingly paranoid. I have cut myself off periodically - for months and once fir a year -for my own mental health. I had diagnosed her informally many years ago and it was a relief to hear the professionals say it. She is 101 now and pretty healthy physically and lives un an ALF. I could not possibly take her into my home and I don't know how you do it. I a 75 now and have my own health issues, but would never have been able to take her in. It isn't easy as it is, and emotional abuse still sets off a lot of stress at times. Take care. I love my mother too, and want to help her as I can, but have had to emotionally detach as much as I am able. Be sure you look after you!

Margeaux - medication could be an issue -the blackouts would really concern me but you can't make another person do what you would like...

Sharynmarie,

I realize that you have posted in the recent past about your sister being forgetful.
This last post however, does raise some extra concern, especially the part about her possible cognitive issues, reflected in the "plastic bag," example.

I was searching some information about Zoloft. I found something on Youtube.
It explained that many of the anti-depressant medications work on the Seratonin
levels, and how the body uses them. When someone has been on this drug for about a month, it changes the way Seratonin is used in the system, and also
sounds as if the brain starts to stop making it. This could explain one of the side effects, insomnia. The other thing that occurs, is the tolerance issue. The system starts to become accustomed to the medication, and now the body needs more, hence possibly this is when doctor's increase the dosage.

Definitely, I could understand your concern too, if you are talking about, she having blackouts, and then not being able to remember anything after them.
Is your sister the type of person who questions any of the medications given to her by her doctor? Another side effect is the fact is really messes with women's hormones. So I'm sure I don't have to go into what that entails! HAAH!
Oh, our hormones! They always want to come in there and cause some kind of mess, don't they!!

I know with the recent problems we were having with mom, and her medications for ALZ. I'd written about the fact my sister started to make inquiries about this matter to mom's doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor tried explaining this away by telling my sister to monitor our mom, etc. That's when my sister threw her hands in the air, and told me, "how does one monitor someone, who is perpetually comatose." The medications given were just making mom be in a complete stupor, sleeping constantly. Finally just about the time mom started to have the gallbladder issue, is when my sister made the decision to completely stop the meds.

A bit after this time period, I wrote about a caregiving visit I'd made, where I witnessed mom being very wide awake, now w/o medications. During this time,
she was not sleeping much at night. The other added element in this was; she was keeping my sister up all night long. My sister has returned to giving mother, I believe, half the dose of the medication. Mom is sleeping again, but it appears it's not as if she is so knocked out as when she was on the full dosage.

Anyway, I know things appear to be tense right now between you and your sister on different levels. If I'm having tension with my sister, I just do not bring added subjects up that may cause more.....explaining, then having to hear her counter points, etc. You know how they say, "Leave well enough alone," well I say, "Leave bad enough alone, too." HAAH!

I hope you get better from that pinched nerve in your arm.
I had that a few years ago. I went to the doctor for it, because it was on my left arm. Things were o.k., but it was pinched, possibly from a fall I'd had a few years prior. The doc just said to take an anti-inflammatory. So I did, which helped with pain, then I could sleep.

Hugs, take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I cant help it now....OMG my mother just greeted me in her usual way...then added out of the blue looking right into my eyes.."I love you...there Is some good stuff going on in there"...
I FREAKING KID YOU NOT....POWER OF PRAYER AND POSITIVITY!

Rosebud, it definitely sucks. You're back where u started but worse. When she drives you crazy, feel free come back and vent. It definitely works

I meant to say i had "no" larger perspective to put it in....

Wow! I grew up in a totally dysfunctional household to the point where I had to sever ties with my mother for 13 years, at age 30, to preserve my sanity. Therapists (there've been many) agreed i had done the right thing. Four years later I "came back", with the "olive branch", to try & rectify things. They were ok for a few months, but then it was back to the same psychotic behavior from her. & then she started getting sick, and now suddenly I'm the one who's her 24/7 caretaker! When she was released a couple of months ago from hip surgery NH rehab, the diagnoses list on the paperwork listed, among many other afflictions, chronic psychiatric problems, and also chronic personality disorder. It was the first time I had seen those words in black and white, describing the mother I knew throughout my whole teenagehood was totally crazy, but back then I had so larger perspective to put it in. All I knew was that I couldn't stand it! I was so blown away to see that someone else noticed it too, decades later. I love my mother, despite her problems, & I had wanted to help her, but I have a feeling that dealing with someone who has 3rd stage dementia on TOP of a dual diagnosis HAS to be more difficult than otherwise! This feels so much like a deja vu of growing up with her, except now I can't go away. THIS IS SO HARD. I know. Nobody ever said life was fair.