
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
BREATHE.... I just know I am going to be ok now!
it was all so easy...a friend did a prayer group at her church sunday and Monday was effortless....I could not have held it together If I got the usual runaround....with each task!!!
Just want to share good news!
as long as I show up to the party I will feel I did my best!
juju -you can only do so much - don't lay too much on yourself -look after you in the middle of all this
cmag glad your mum is improving
Margeaux - interesting observations
gotta sleep -love and hugs to all.
Thanks
Luv Juju!
I have been spewing my venom everywhere.
and figured out why I couldn't get off my damn pity pot....cause I could not save my dad bro's and now mom was going down too.. the system was killing me.
I even came to terms long ago, well that is my dad, JUst like the boys in the family, gotta make it chaotic..would have it no other way! lol my coping. But I have been festering because I could not do a freaking thing about any of it!
Well I can still do something here now bout Ma....and the incident in the ER was meant to show me the strength I need to save my mom from the doctors who are suppose to treat her. I could not save dad from his fate, nor my brothers but I can still save ma, get us what we need to make her journey the best it can be....
It is not too late to try....and the bad news tho is I demanded a thourough exam and found more problems with her and now I am researching the damage Fosamax did to her...I don't believe we have the time I thought we mite to pull this out the crapper! she is so frail, like a toothpick...I broke my own mothers ribs with a routine lite under shoulderblade grip as I have done for years...this one I think she is good. but I am sure the incident happened for a reason...
this morning I did more for our future in 4hrs than 4 months since she first broke hip in beginning causing my spiral down here! anyway I was so traumatized by the horrific treatment of the ER again I think I had a meltdown or ??.some kinda dreamtyping incedent I got so attached to the security of this computer I just sat there everychance I got holding on to it idk...I had to blow it out or we were going down!!!
anyway as mom cocooned into a beautiful person from this disease...I am now going to have to step up and be here protector and advocate with a clear mind and conscious. the mind can be a crazy place but I now have such a great outlook...I made 5-6 phonecalls and kicked ass on the system...got new CG hired called sr srvcs out, and found new respite program, got VA benefits rolling and she is gonna help with the legal omg home health may be back to deal with new issues...omg power of reaching out for help thanks for all of you !! I need sleep now been nappin of n on all day!!
luv,
Juju!
I gather that my mom's mother was raised in a very strict church background. She lost her parents at a young age and was raised by relatives. I don't think her childhood emotional needs were ever met nor did she meet the emotional needs of her children and was not capable of really connecting emotionally with us grandchildren. She was such a control plus prim and proper person that I could never have any friends over inside of her house those years that mom and I lived with her and my great aunt in that huge southern two story house. I mean it was big. My mother did not meet my emotional needs as a child, but instead used me to meet hers. Like her mother, she was not able to really connect with her grandchildren. Her sister was more of a control person over her children than my mother was over me which was bad enough.
Mom's UTI is finally clearing up and will likely go back to the nursing home tomorrow. The nurse explained to me this morning that the problem with my mother's swelling is that she does not eat enough protein in her diet. Evidently, when we don't have enough protein our bodies tend to retain water. Well that makes sense for carbohydrates, sugary foods just like salt can make us hold too much water and evidently it takes protein to bring about the needed balance.
Love, hugs, prayers for all.
Where the heck are you? You have been missing in action, I hope all is well, where ever you are! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
Welcome to this thread. I have read many times where the siblings do not help with the care of their parents. There appear to be a variety of reasons that any one child in a family ends up doing the major part of the care for their parents, too. I'm not saying this is o.k., either.
Do you happen to have any outside help coming in?
Are you in charge of two elderly parents, if I may ask?
Anyway, do come back and tell us about your situation. We are here to listen, and be supportive.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
When I was a young kid growing up, I know I used to wonder about my family.
I started to realize about lots of the dysfunction going on around me. Then, I had to be in charge of my siblings being the eldest of them. I know I would feel bad about different things, and always felt burdened by these responsibilities. So somewhere in the picture as I became older I started to give this some serious thought. It all pointed to the same thing. This was that through realizing some of our parents, grandparents past....many did not know how to raise their children.
Be it for poverty, addictions, personality disorders and the like it could have been for a variety of reasons. People can talk all they want about the religions they belong to, and want to follow. But on a very deep, psychological level, if one does not awaken and really give some thought to true compassion for human beings, religiosity means nothing! At least this is what I think. It is a way of stepping into the shoes of others, and just taking a moment to try to feel what that person must have felt, and the hurdles they had to jump to survive. This has helped me very much. I do have to remind myself of it also.
By the way, I know you'd asked if anyone knew how long a UTI lasts. My mother had a UTI, only about a month and a half ago. Apparently, she took a round of anti-biotics for it, and it seemed to clear up in about a week and a half.
I am not sure whether this is standard. How is your mother doing?
All right, take care and you and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Money turns the unhelping sibs vicious. The same here, if someone had told me even a year ago what a nightmare this would become related to my sibs, I would have told them they were crazy! I always thought there would be reasonability and a sense of fairness. But impact, what the unhelping sibs will be inheriting, it becomes a different story entirely! Such viciousness, I would never have thought from mine.
After having read your last post, I realize you are becoming more and more frustrated with your sister's behavior. It really does sound petty, this business of she making judgments about the kind of towels your mom has hanging in her bathroom. She sounds like she suffers from some kind of status/value issue about material things. Paleeez!!! The ridiculous things that some people focus their energies on, is really amazing!! This is enough to make a situation really full of unnecessary tension.
This reminds me of when my sister had told me in the midst of mom having pain from gallstones, and the UTI, that she'd sent mother out the door with the caregiver to go get her nails done. On the one hand I know my sister does this as a way to still make my mom feel connected to a beauty regimen of sorts, and get her out of the house. However, at that time when mom was very weak, and looked super frail to me, I thought this was so ridiculous to do at this time. But sometimes, I feel as if my sister somewhat does some of this really to make herself feel good. That's o.k., to a point but within reasonable limits, of which my sister doesn't have in her head. So I completely understand.
O.K., please try to focus some time and energy to take those day trips with you husband. Do something for yourself. Trust that this care center is taking care of your mother, and try to accept that you can't be on top of each and every detail, either. I know you have a lot of things even in your own life, that you are currently maintaining such as your job. So try to find a balance in all of this.
If your sister is snapping at you, this has got to be sending you a message.
Please take care of yourself, you deserve it! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I had to backtrack to read this post in particular about wanting to get past the bad stuff, and I guess feeling victimized.
First of all, many of us on this thread write about this a lot. I hinged on to a statement you made, about I think it was "feeling angry you were born into the family you were born into." I'm sure many of us have asked ourselves this same question, and have felt confused, angry, you name it, many emotions about it.
Envision offered many wonderful suggestions about how to help you cope with some of this. I think it's important that we pay attention and find out what it is we possibly could develop, as in a hobby. Outside interests are very beneficial in many ways.
On a psychological level, something that has assisted me in at least having another perspective about the dysfunction in my own family has been considering some of the history of our parents. In my case, my mom was from the Depression Era. She and her only sister, lost their dad at 13, and 14 yrs. of age. Their mom,
was from the old country, spoke no English, and was a housekeeper. So mom and her sister had to drop out of school, and find work. Anyway, my point being that if we stop to consider the life they had, and past events as to at least explain why it is the later generations inherit the dysfunction. Maybe we can change our perspective about it, and not just look at it from a "poor me," angle..
I don't know if it's common, all the dysfunction in families, maybe yes, because I've sure read about enough of it here.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
First of all, I want to point out that on my last post I don't know if my fingers were flying too fast....but last paragraph I meant to write I was glad you were posting, rather than posing. Haah! Afraid, I probably didn't proofread either!
Your description of "pigs flying," was very funny! So she's at it again with all the emails. Oh boy!
All in all, your mother for her age I must say has a very strong constitution.
I completely agree with you that we must distance ourselves from whomever is trying to dish, abusive behavior. Some of us definitely get it from our parents,
and some of us from the siblings, and then both!
It's very important that we realize this, and take measures. This is why I posted about my situation with my sister and the relief of the caregiving situation.
I'm always feeling like my sister is hiding the truth about what is really happening at mom's, so that she always can feel like she's pulling the strings. It's so important for her to feel in CONTROL, constantly. Interesting.....it's been day two since I was down there at mother's and haven't heard boo from my sister! This to me is very telling. I'm going to distance myself from her. It's annoying to be available to help out, but this mis-communication and total switch up of plans at the very last minute drives me nuts!
Well, be careful on your trip to go check in on mother.
Have a wonderful trip with Gary! I'll bet you're ready for that hot tub, and the rest of the amenities! Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
After basically sleeping for 7 days, my mother is somewhat responsive today and her swelling is down. This must be one terrible UTI for her to sleep so soundly for so long. How long does it take to cure a UTI?
My step-brother wasted his time staying home this weekend instead of going on down to his river house to work on it.
I'm very sorry to hear about your mother in her present condition.
Isn't it interesting, the relatives who do their feigning of stepping up to the plate,
in these circumstances, while all the time you really know the truth about them.
I'm sure this must be difficult for you.
Well, hang in there, my friend. You and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I cant help her anymore. Thank you so much!!
Hope you are getting some time off just for you and doing your thing and with your hubby. G and I will not be seeing much of one another this week - crossing paths in the driveway I think, lol. Take care ((((((hugs))))))
Brandy~Sometimes divorcing family members becomes necessary. If you have done all you can, then limit your contact with them.
Margeaux~I am glad you got to see your great niece! Yes, I think your sister is taking advantage of you and the caregiver as well.
gladimhere~I am sorry for all you are going through. I hope AL works out better. Hang in there and come back to vent.
Joan~I am sorry your mother is sending so many emails again. You know that your mother is fine where she is getting all the support she needs for her situation. I would be shocked as well regarding the rocker. You know what to do and how to handle it as you have always shown great sense and wisdom.
My post about my mother may have come across as I had hoped because it was an eye opener for me to learn that I actually have loved my mother all along. I have changed my attitude and way of thinking greatly because of the support I have gotten on this site and this thread. My journey may not work for everyone and I understand that totally. Forgive me if I am being overly sensitive right now because I know I am. I do not want my mother to change from where she is right now. I truly resent my sister wanting to throw out my mom's old grungy sweater because she doesn't like, or she doesn't like some of mom's clothes or how she has her hair cut. I am sick and tired of hearing how mom's towels and washcloths are cheap, rough and not soft like sis wants. If she wants to dominate mom now that she can't make decisions for herself and make her into a barbie doll instead of acknowledging what my mom would choose if she could, then so be it because I do not have the energy or the time to want to deal with someone who wants to point out all the shortcomings of someone who can't make decisions for themselves or defend themselves against her controlling nature. My sister has snapped at me twice in the last week because my opinion is different than her's. She wont make decisions unless I agree with her. I have decided I am going to limit my time around my sister and if I want to take my mom out her regular hairdresser for a hair cut that she has had for 8 years or more and I am paying for it...then so be it. This last week, sis has been overly sensitive to anything I suggest or ask a question about. I am going to do to her what I do to my mom when my dad was in a nursing home...not be there when she is because it becomes all about her.This is the end of my rant and I won't be posting for a while. Hugs to everyone and I hope things get better for everyone!!