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I mean she was my last hope and I was like s***....when I got her text. n just thinking we together got a solution....a month ago I would not even have answered the text...wudda been "great typical, lemme jump on the pity pot and sit for a while"
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and the caregiver was text to say no thanks cuz she had no time...and when I called her and just wanted to know what she new about certification cuz nobody on registery has time...I told her I am desperate I have a friend but not certified...need to find this for my mom fast! next thing I know she is coming 2wice week in eve... I had been battleing with old gal...I wanted to split shift 2 days/wk and get some eves cuz I dying for social life...she woud refuse to budge..she quit, no notice over it, went on attack on way out too Karma the best part is KARMA. I get what I want without the stress of having to do much...Just like my brothers... I just wanted to be left alone and his actions he put the effort into did it for me.....pain but karma or whatever.
BREATHE.... I just know I am going to be ok now!
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And what was so amazing about what I did, it was effortless...I layed in bed with cell and a pen n paper like usual to start writing notes etc... and the worker text me...Patient Advocate calls me, fiduciary returns call immediately sr srvcs is at there desk first time in history and she wasn't a ttl B%$^$# that I was prepared to deal with that why isn't she on Medicaid crap...I am sick of her shoving medicad at me everytime I ask for help that is all she offers and this time I politely explaned I get frustrated with this dance. Please make a note in your file "no Medicaid" and open that file when I call you! then we can spend our time making progress..instead of me reexplaining our whole financial plan to you each time I need something!!! Now their is a respite program she is sending.
it was all so easy...a friend did a prayer group at her church sunday and Monday was effortless....I could not have held it together If I got the usual runaround....with each task!!!

Just want to share good news!
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but I will have what mom needs and I had a long talk with my BFF and I am sure she will be there for me all the way, but she is 2 hrs away with a family so ya just glad to feel poison free...I purged on FB too told the world how I couldn't help my dad! and I have never felt more relieved! idk day by day all I can do...

as long as I show up to the party I will feel I did my best!
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Ya I know actually I have so much help coming my way in just one days time, just amazing. and as the day goes on...I really think hospice might be coming not home health, probably not gonna have time to fite like I want but I will try just depends...VA fiduciary called today to set up the acct and I told her I need money for lawyer..told story n she sed she would help me, sounded sincere, she sed she can get legal help for me. if she cant then I cant, I am praying I can pull this outta the crapper in time but just knowing why I couldn't let go of the poison....is a huge relief and I asked a friend if something does happen can I come stay on your property! She got my back! so im not sure how I am going to do this but if it woulda happened a month ago I would have not survived it. that is all I am sure of! and that I finally purged the poison, it was like an exorcism or something idk! lol....anyway ya boy if I could catch a break!
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didn't go anywhere - still raining, bad driving, mother has settled down and the gut infection flared up so tired and taking it easy,
juju -you can only do so much - don't lay too much on yourself -look after you in the middle of all this
cmag glad your mum is improving
Margeaux - interesting observations

gotta sleep -love and hugs to all.
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I mean this is me, I am a fighter I knew it....I used to run a production for defense electronics in silicon valley and now I cant even tie my shoes, well a while ago anyway...I was beat down by the system...and physically worn to a thread. but I mite actually be able to fite....I know I got a suit, just to find a lawyer who values human life no matter what age!!! I will fight the good fight tho and if we don't win at least I know I tried!
Thanks
Luv Juju!
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Hi everyone...I cannot believe how much has changed since I got here on this particular thread last week.....Mom went to ER for 3rd nitemare and I had a complete n udder meltdown...
I have been spewing my venom everywhere.
and figured out why I couldn't get off my damn pity pot....cause I could not save my dad bro's and now mom was going down too.. the system was killing me.
I even came to terms long ago, well that is my dad, JUst like the boys in the family, gotta make it chaotic..would have it no other way! lol my coping. But I have been festering because I could not do a freaking thing about any of it!
Well I can still do something here now bout Ma....and the incident in the ER was meant to show me the strength I need to save my mom from the doctors who are suppose to treat her. I could not save dad from his fate, nor my brothers but I can still save ma, get us what we need to make her journey the best it can be....
It is not too late to try....and the bad news tho is I demanded a thourough exam and found more problems with her and now I am researching the damage Fosamax did to her...I don't believe we have the time I thought we mite to pull this out the crapper! she is so frail, like a toothpick...I broke my own mothers ribs with a routine lite under shoulderblade grip as I have done for years...this one I think she is good. but I am sure the incident happened for a reason...
this morning I did more for our future in 4hrs than 4 months since she first broke hip in beginning causing my spiral down here! anyway I was so traumatized by the horrific treatment of the ER again I think I had a meltdown or ??.some kinda dreamtyping incedent I got so attached to the security of this computer I just sat there everychance I got holding on to it idk...I had to blow it out or we were going down!!!
anyway as mom cocooned into a beautiful person from this disease...I am now going to have to step up and be here protector and advocate with a clear mind and conscious. the mind can be a crazy place but I now have such a great outlook...I made 5-6 phonecalls and kicked ass on the system...got new CG hired called sr srvcs out, and found new respite program, got VA benefits rolling and she is gonna help with the legal omg home health may be back to deal with new issues...omg power of reaching out for help thanks for all of you !! I need sleep now been nappin of n on all day!!
luv,
Juju!
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haroldine, don't EVER think what you're experiencing is weird, wrong, bad...I can assure you most of the people that post here have gone through, and are actively going through the same things. My husband, daughter & I sold our house to avoid foreclosure when hubby lost a very lucrative job and we moved into my parents' brick ranch. Mom had to be put in a nursing home as her dementia kicked in and she was MEAN and scaring all of us; Dad's whole world fell apart when that happened & needs the company now; daughter (19) acted out horribly and was a snot for 3 years; husband was mean, crabby and withholding $$ from me....all the while my older sister has POA, lives 15 miles away and visits once a week. The strain is enormous & I don't have HALF of what you're contending with!!! Are you venting? Of course! You need to! Feel free to vent here ANYTIME; because everyone here I've found to be very compassionate and empathetic. Many bright moments for you in the days to come and lots of smiles through the tears too.
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omigosh! I always figure my family is the epitome of dysfunctional! we weren't so perfect before:) and now, throwing my 83 year old completely disabled mother with somewhat mild dementia (not to mention my daughter and 2 granddaughters 2 yrs and 8 months-giving us a grand total of 4 generations!) with constant construction and just trying to make space for all... so maybe you get the idea! sometimes I think I'm going to run screaming out of my house and maybe... come back eventually. (oh and I work full time) I feel like a failure half the time because I'm short-tempered and stressed and I feel like my health is failing a bit (I'm almost 57). is this enough of a sob story for this post? I think I'm just venting. I know I cannot be the only one is this position, but sometimes I feel like I cannot carry on in a sane mode. thanks for listening and God bless all of you!
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Margeaux, all too often people with personality disorders not only lack empathy/compassion for others, but they can hide behind religious masks as well. My grandmother did this very well as have my mother and my mother in law.

I gather that my mom's mother was raised in a very strict church background. She lost her parents at a young age and was raised by relatives. I don't think her childhood emotional needs were ever met nor did she meet the emotional needs of her children and was not capable of really connecting emotionally with us grandchildren. She was such a control plus prim and proper person that I could never have any friends over inside of her house those years that mom and I lived with her and my great aunt in that huge southern two story house. I mean it was big. My mother did not meet my emotional needs as a child, but instead used me to meet hers. Like her mother, she was not able to really connect with her grandchildren. Her sister was more of a control person over her children than my mother was over me which was bad enough.

Mom's UTI is finally clearing up and will likely go back to the nursing home tomorrow. The nurse explained to me this morning that the problem with my mother's swelling is that she does not eat enough protein in her diet. Evidently, when we don't have enough protein our bodies tend to retain water. Well that makes sense for carbohydrates, sugary foods just like salt can make us hold too much water and evidently it takes protein to bring about the needed balance.

Love, hugs, prayers for all.
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Bonnie,

Where the heck are you? You have been missing in action, I hope all is well, where ever you are! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Dreyfuss,

Welcome to this thread. I have read many times where the siblings do not help with the care of their parents. There appear to be a variety of reasons that any one child in a family ends up doing the major part of the care for their parents, too. I'm not saying this is o.k., either.

Do you happen to have any outside help coming in?
Are you in charge of two elderly parents, if I may ask?
Anyway, do come back and tell us about your situation. We are here to listen, and be supportive.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Cmagnum,

When I was a young kid growing up, I know I used to wonder about my family.
I started to realize about lots of the dysfunction going on around me. Then, I had to be in charge of my siblings being the eldest of them. I know I would feel bad about different things, and always felt burdened by these responsibilities. So somewhere in the picture as I became older I started to give this some serious thought. It all pointed to the same thing. This was that through realizing some of our parents, grandparents past....many did not know how to raise their children.
Be it for poverty, addictions, personality disorders and the like it could have been for a variety of reasons. People can talk all they want about the religions they belong to, and want to follow. But on a very deep, psychological level, if one does not awaken and really give some thought to true compassion for human beings, religiosity means nothing! At least this is what I think. It is a way of stepping into the shoes of others, and just taking a moment to try to feel what that person must have felt, and the hurdles they had to jump to survive. This has helped me very much. I do have to remind myself of it also.

By the way, I know you'd asked if anyone knew how long a UTI lasts. My mother had a UTI, only about a month and a half ago. Apparently, she took a round of anti-biotics for it, and it seemed to clear up in about a week and a half.
I am not sure whether this is standard. How is your mother doing?

All right, take care and you and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux, I like the psychological approach of looking at our parent's childhoods and our grandparent's childhoods. This has been helpful in my own journey.
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In my case, it is not necessarily the inheritance but cooperation with the sister. All I am asking is for her to invite me to her Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. One hour a year. How hard would that be? But no, she won't invite me but she invites half the town. I would be much more cooperative if she would invite me. She won't come to my house either.
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Margeaux~Thank you for your response! I love my sister and feel bad that I talk about her but I just don't know how to deal with her lately. I think some if it is that she may be having side effects to Zoloft. Her PCP recently increased the dosage to 100 mg. once a day. What I have noticed is that over the last few months she is not able to focus completely on a topic. She forgets having conversations about certain issues and she has become very sensitive and somewhat combative if I don't agree with her. She has trouble making decisions and doesn't always understand what I tell her. Yesterday when we were at the community having lunch with mom, she would not make eye contact with me for a long time, she kept looking down, her eyes were moving back and forth as though she were thinking deeping about something and was preoccupied...a normal reaction to everything we are going through, right...I understand. Then the conversation turned to to the potty patch we bought for mom's dog and I explained to sis that I had put it in a garbage bag took it over mom's house and rinsed it with off hose onto the grass and let it drain off the excess water on the patio. Her response was ...did you put it in a plastic bag??? I said again I put it in a garbage bag...again she said but did you put it in a plastic bag to carry it out to your car??? Not thinking I had to talk with her as thoughtshe has a cognitive issue, I said...a garbage bag is plastic. She became offended and said...well excuse me...I don't think as quickly as I used to. She has told me she is having what she calls blackouts....time lost at work but when she becomes cognitively aware again there is a time loss ... but work is being done and she has no memory of doing it. Yesterday when we got to mom's house, she said someone in a white shirt was walking up to the front door...when she opened the door no one was there. She said she has these type of hallucinations often and her PCP wants to her to see a Psychiatrist because her systems are out of her range of knowledge. I think these are side effects to this medication and I hope she follows through. Without sounding like a cry baby...I am havinh major pain down my right arm... I have a high tolerance to physical pain but this is keeping me from sleeping...anyway it is a pinched nerve in my shoulder..tingling and pain when I sit or lay down. Hubby is going camping with his dad tomorrow until Wednesday so I am going to schedule a massage and work with midget here at home. With everything going on with my sis...my worries about her and dealing with this pain I am over reacting. I will try to catch up with everyone later. Hugs to you Margeaux and I know you have a lot deal with too with your concerns about your mother.Hugs to you!!
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kthln3-
Money turns the unhelping sibs vicious. The same here, if someone had told me even a year ago what a nightmare this would become related to my sibs, I would have told them they were crazy! I always thought there would be reasonability and a sense of fairness. But impact, what the unhelping sibs will be inheriting, it becomes a different story entirely! Such viciousness, I would never have thought from mine.
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Sharynmarie,

After having read your last post, I realize you are becoming more and more frustrated with your sister's behavior. It really does sound petty, this business of she making judgments about the kind of towels your mom has hanging in her bathroom. She sounds like she suffers from some kind of status/value issue about material things. Paleeez!!! The ridiculous things that some people focus their energies on, is really amazing!! This is enough to make a situation really full of unnecessary tension.

This reminds me of when my sister had told me in the midst of mom having pain from gallstones, and the UTI, that she'd sent mother out the door with the caregiver to go get her nails done. On the one hand I know my sister does this as a way to still make my mom feel connected to a beauty regimen of sorts, and get her out of the house. However, at that time when mom was very weak, and looked super frail to me, I thought this was so ridiculous to do at this time. But sometimes, I feel as if my sister somewhat does some of this really to make herself feel good. That's o.k., to a point but within reasonable limits, of which my sister doesn't have in her head. So I completely understand.

O.K., please try to focus some time and energy to take those day trips with you husband. Do something for yourself. Trust that this care center is taking care of your mother, and try to accept that you can't be on top of each and every detail, either. I know you have a lot of things even in your own life, that you are currently maintaining such as your job. So try to find a balance in all of this.
If your sister is snapping at you, this has got to be sending you a message.

Please take care of yourself, you deserve it! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi Dreyfuss, bookluvr & gladimhere: it's comforting to know that we each have families with their "experts" who can keep us in line when they feel like it. My sister recently spent $450 on ONE ticket to a Rolling Stones concert, but won't allow me to have $100 out of my dad's account to purchase a simple Eureka vacuum cleaner...the rug hasn't been vacuumed in over a year as their vacuum was ancient and broke down; being part of the working poor in this country my husband and I simply can't take our $$ and buy one...we can barely keep ourselves in groceries, pay bills and keep our heads above water. If someone would have told me even 5 years ago that Sister Dear would turn into this type of person I would have indignantly called them vicious. How time changes things!
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Jujubean,

I had to backtrack to read this post in particular about wanting to get past the bad stuff, and I guess feeling victimized.

First of all, many of us on this thread write about this a lot. I hinged on to a statement you made, about I think it was "feeling angry you were born into the family you were born into." I'm sure many of us have asked ourselves this same question, and have felt confused, angry, you name it, many emotions about it.

Envision offered many wonderful suggestions about how to help you cope with some of this. I think it's important that we pay attention and find out what it is we possibly could develop, as in a hobby. Outside interests are very beneficial in many ways.

On a psychological level, something that has assisted me in at least having another perspective about the dysfunction in my own family has been considering some of the history of our parents. In my case, my mom was from the Depression Era. She and her only sister, lost their dad at 13, and 14 yrs. of age. Their mom,
was from the old country, spoke no English, and was a housekeeper. So mom and her sister had to drop out of school, and find work. Anyway, my point being that if we stop to consider the life they had, and past events as to at least explain why it is the later generations inherit the dysfunction. Maybe we can change our perspective about it, and not just look at it from a "poor me," angle..

I don't know if it's common, all the dysfunction in families, maybe yes, because I've sure read about enough of it here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

First of all, I want to point out that on my last post I don't know if my fingers were flying too fast....but last paragraph I meant to write I was glad you were posting, rather than posing. Haah! Afraid, I probably didn't proofread either!

Your description of "pigs flying," was very funny! So she's at it again with all the emails. Oh boy!

All in all, your mother for her age I must say has a very strong constitution.
I completely agree with you that we must distance ourselves from whomever is trying to dish, abusive behavior. Some of us definitely get it from our parents,
and some of us from the siblings, and then both!

It's very important that we realize this, and take measures. This is why I posted about my situation with my sister and the relief of the caregiving situation.
I'm always feeling like my sister is hiding the truth about what is really happening at mom's, so that she always can feel like she's pulling the strings. It's so important for her to feel in CONTROL, constantly. Interesting.....it's been day two since I was down there at mother's and haven't heard boo from my sister! This to me is very telling. I'm going to distance myself from her. It's annoying to be available to help out, but this mis-communication and total switch up of plans at the very last minute drives me nuts!

Well, be careful on your trip to go check in on mother.
Have a wonderful trip with Gary! I'll bet you're ready for that hot tub, and the rest of the amenities! Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Thanks Margeaux,

After basically sleeping for 7 days, my mother is somewhat responsive today and her swelling is down. This must be one terrible UTI for her to sleep so soundly for so long. How long does it take to cure a UTI?

My step-brother wasted his time staying home this weekend instead of going on down to his river house to work on it.
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Cmagnum,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother in her present condition.

Isn't it interesting, the relatives who do their feigning of stepping up to the plate,
in these circumstances, while all the time you really know the truth about them.
I'm sure this must be difficult for you.

Well, hang in there, my friend. You and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I understand Joan and hugs to you! I just want to say that my sis is so like how mom used to be in that she wants total agreement which isnt possible. She has her way of dealing with what is happening to our mom but she cant see that what other family members are experiencing it different than her. I will share more later right noe I need to decompress I know how hard last year was for us and I hope you are not entering that stage now with your mother. I know you lo e her but have to keep boundaries. I didn't know I loved my mom and I know my sister does too she just isn't a le to.let go of the past. I have realiized she has to work that out for herself now

I cant help her anymore. Thank you so much!!
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Good to know when you have to draw a limit. I have figured out what I can and can't do for mother. I feed she is in that transitional stage your mum was in a while ago. Whether she continues downhill quickly, or slowly, or some physical event (e.g. stroke) intervenes remains to be seen. I have no control over that. Seeing a decline brings up some feelings I have to work through. - and that is all in the natural course of life.
Hope you are getting some time off just for you and doing your thing and with your hubby. G and I will not be seeing much of one another this week - crossing paths in the driveway I think, lol. Take care ((((((hugs))))))
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Thank you Joan, I just can't deal with her any more. I know you have more than enough going on too so Thank you for your response!!
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sharyn -sorry this has erupted with your sis. She has been in a degree of denial all along, hasn't she? Your mum's washcloths, haircuts etc. are her choices or as she would have, not sis's. Sis needs to separate herself from your mum, but you know that. Do what feels good to you. I think limiting contact and visiting on different days is a good idea. I have seen all along that you love and care for your mum. Your words and actions speak it loudly. Sometimes we have to love from a distance.
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((((((Brandy))))) that is horrible! Do you wonder how we survive with any degree of wholeness? My dad was my nurturing parent. He was alcoholic but still nurturing. Got very, very little of that from my mother - constant criticism from her and pokes from sis. Changing their mind seems to be part if it. My daughter has told me that I am negative and has been quite unpleasant at times. Frankly she could look in the mirror if she wants to see negative. I used to let these comments from her and my sis and mum go by and just try to keep the relationships going in some fashion, but I don't do that any more. I hold them accountable for what they say and do, and I feel better about me. Let the cards fall where they may! I cannot fix them or the relationships - it takes two. I have good people in my life and stay away from the games as much as I can. My sig other said "Are you the only sane one in your family?". Some of my cousins are nice people thankfully, but none are close. At times, like you, I feel surrounded by dysfunction. Thankfully I am no longer in a dysfunctional marriage. Sig other is a decent man - not that we don't have things to work on but he is decent. Have to detach from the dysfunctional ones as much as possible,
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jcbeagle~Yes it is common for sibs to not recognize dementia especially if they are not in contact with the person very often. Denial is very common as a way to cope with a situation especially if a parent is involved.
Brandy~Sometimes divorcing family members becomes necessary. If you have done all you can, then limit your contact with them.
Margeaux~I am glad you got to see your great niece! Yes, I think your sister is taking advantage of you and the caregiver as well.
gladimhere~I am sorry for all you are going through. I hope AL works out better. Hang in there and come back to vent.
Joan~I am sorry your mother is sending so many emails again. You know that your mother is fine where she is getting all the support she needs for her situation. I would be shocked as well regarding the rocker. You know what to do and how to handle it as you have always shown great sense and wisdom.
My post about my mother may have come across as I had hoped because it was an eye opener for me to learn that I actually have loved my mother all along. I have changed my attitude and way of thinking greatly because of the support I have gotten on this site and this thread. My journey may not work for everyone and I understand that totally. Forgive me if I am being overly sensitive right now because I know I am. I do not want my mother to change from where she is right now. I truly resent my sister wanting to throw out my mom's old grungy sweater because she doesn't like, or she doesn't like some of mom's clothes or how she has her hair cut. I am sick and tired of hearing how mom's towels and washcloths are cheap, rough and not soft like sis wants. If she wants to dominate mom now that she can't make decisions for herself and make her into a barbie doll instead of acknowledging what my mom would choose if she could, then so be it because I do not have the energy or the time to want to deal with someone who wants to point out all the shortcomings of someone who can't make decisions for themselves or defend themselves against her controlling nature. My sister has snapped at me twice in the last week because my opinion is different than her's. She wont make decisions unless I agree with her. I have decided I am going to limit my time around my sister and if I want to take my mom out her regular hairdresser for a hair cut that she has had for 8 years or more and I am paying for it...then so be it. This last week, sis has been overly sensitive to anything I suggest or ask a question about. I am going to do to her what I do to my mom when my dad was in a nursing home...not be there when she is because it becomes all about her.This is the end of my rant and I won't be posting for a while. Hugs to everyone and I hope things get better for everyone!!
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