The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

emjo, my story almost identical. My real dad died years and years ago too. I try not to play those sick games anymore either. Triangulation, narcissism, guilt, passive aggression. I wish you could be here to see what I am up against, husband has pre dementia and plays games too. Will be agreeable one miniute, next minute says he has the right to change his mind, about that time sis calls and tells me I am wrong, wrong, daughter takes sides and tells me I am wrong, wrong. What fun.

Well, there is that. Mother is not at home but in an ALF. No way I could have her live under my roof with the BPD and narcissism. We tried to keep her in her apartment by hiring a live-in senior nanny but that lady quit after 9 months -couldn't take the abuse. and mother, as now, was getting paranoid about people in the building and wanted out. My sis came over when mother moved out and took the things of mothers that she wanted, and did nothing to help. She sat in a chair and watched mother and me do things. When we made the final exit from the apartment there were a number of tote bags etc. Sis watched her 95 yr old mother pick up tote bags, but picked up nothing herself. I handed her a couple and told her to carry them. She complained about her narrow shoulders and she wasn't good at carrying. I have only one hand from birth - and carry like the next person, so I have no sympathy for her.Not only that, she took the most expensive item back home with her, (overseas) and packed a couple of boxes of other stuff and told me I could mail them to her. She could have brought an extra suitcase and the stuff back with her or mailed the boxes herself. Sig other was aghast that she expected me to do that. She was retired and well off and I was taking time off work, They left all the apartment for me and sig other- I would have been lost without him - to finish and clean up. We packed her boxes in with all mother's other stuff that we brought up here and eventually I mailed them to her. Another time she was coming to mother's for a visit and told mother that she wanted me to buy her a couple of pairs of shoes like I had in size 8. She usually goes through mother, so if things don't work out I get it from both if them. I did and brought them down and left them at mother's for her. Then I was told they were the wrong size and I needed to take them back and get her another pair. I was working at the time too and she was on holiday I said no, and she could do it herself and if she wanted anything from me in future, she could ask me directly, not through mother. That was the end of that. It is a sick game - triangulation. Glad it is over. I simply won't get caught up in those games any more. Now I say no.

emjo-
Aren't you doing things for your sister as I am for mine? Caring for the parents and they don't help. That is doing for the whole family, keeps parents at home where they are the most comfortable and happy. We are doing plenty for all of our sibs!!!

Thank you, brandy. Happy to be your sister!!! :-D We all need family and in some cases family is not blood, but people who care for us and we for them. I have had several "mothers" over the years, mothers of friends, who have meant a lot to me. I felt lonely in my own family of origin, especially since my father died years and years ago. Thanks for your kind words re loss. My Gordie is gone over ten years now, and the pain has softened, but I still miss him.

Emjo, Your story is my almost exact story as well. I can't do anything right for my sister as well. I will be your cyber sister. I sure do need someone like that. So sorry for your loss. Brandy

gladimhere - I think it is unethical but that does not stop them. My sister did not hesitate to tell me was doing things wrong - even that I was grieving wrong when my youngest son was killed. After a time of this, she once called me and started the conversation, "I know I shouldn't say this, but..." so I interrupted and said "Well don't then", and she has never called me since. That was a few years ago and I am happy with the distance. Yes, a kind word would go a long way. She doesn't help, but want me to do things for her too as well as for mother.

40 emails from mother in the past few days, 20 of them by noon today -
mother fell off a chair when watching TV in her spare room and bumped her head. - her own fault - the pigs flew! She didn't hurt herself thankfully. Her bones are strong. Then she wanted her old rocking chair back, so I sent her a pic of it. We had had it steam cleaned and it still shows wear. She said it was not her rocker and she didn't recognise it. That has shocked me, as she sat in it daily for over 10 years. She certainly has short term memory loss which is, I think natural for her age (101 now), but not recognizing this chair is something different. And I told her a rocker would not fit in that room. It is a very small room with a single bed, night table and a large dresser. The little tub type chair she sits in just barely fits. Rockers of any kind take lots of room. That she doesn't realize that it wouldn't fit shows another deficit as she has been very good with placing/arranging furniture all her life.
The next day she went to her new doctor (her old one retired) - this may be the second time she has seen him, and she told me he said he wants to put her into different facility (likely a nursing home) so she told him he was not her doctor any more and now she is panicking about it all. I will go down this week and get my name on her bank accounts and also contact the doctor's office to find out what his concerns are. I actually think she is fine where she is, as she has all the support she needs for now, however looking into the best place for the next stage would make sense. Alberta health evaluated her some months ago after her hip op and said she was fine to stay in the ALF. But with her narcissism and BPD and some paranoia she is talking about moving again. "they are trying to get rid if me". She has home care 4 x a day for help with bathing, dressing and meals as she can't/won't eat in the dining room. She is pretty mobile - uses a scooter around the mall (which is attached to her building) and sometimes a cane inside, keeps her apartment in perfect order (wish I was that good). and manages her finances with very little help. She has talked about a foster type home with 6 residents or so, but frankly with her personality problems she would wreak havoc in one. I know she would not last - she is better in a separate apartment as she has now, where she control over the little socialization she participates in. Oh well, it will work out. She is talking about hiring a private nurse, but truly she does not need someone more. She has her cleaning and laundry done and couple of people who shop for her. One of them is a nurse, and all that together with home care are really enough. I know I will hear a ton of complaints and rants and will have to limit my time with her for my own self preservation. A lifetime of abuse does not make listening to her any easier. I also know it is the BPD, but that does not make it easier either. Crazy is crazy what ever the reason and hard to take.

sharyn I read your post about abusive parents - I love my mother too - always have but have had to protect myself from her abusive behaviour which has meant distancing and detaching. I will do what I can to help her. Right now she makes her own decisions and has been pretty capable. She has definitely taken a step down with not recognizing her old chair, nor that a rocker will not fit in her spare room. But her other mental capabilities seem to be about the same, as far as I can see. She has fainted/fallen every now and again over the years and never hurt herself. I think the last time was about 4 years ago and before that about 6 years when we were walking on a rough path and she was ranting about something and not paying attention, so tripped and went down like a log and bumped her head on a stone, but no ill effects and she was 90 then. She got up and we kept on going, and when we got to a stream she had to walk on the log to cross it rather than going over a little where there was a safer way to cross. I swore then I would never take her anywhere like that again as I didn't want the responsibility!

Needed to vent - in the middle of this I have been trying to handle invoices and records for Gary's business, then got a phone call from Gary (who is away looking after his horses) that he locked his keys in the truck and he was at a gas station somewhere. Got him added as a member on AMA and so on. Trying to coordinate with him and arrange my trip to see mothers next week as the cat needs a little company and my son who usually does it is away. I don't want to drive this weekend as it is raining and the 5 hr. drive is bad enough in good weather. Good lord, I am 76 and still doing this - will it never end??? I caution everyone to look after themselves cause no one will do it for you and you want to have some quality of life when you get - or take -the chance.
On a good note we will go to BC for a flying trip the following week - business for Gary. It will be just over night, but the room has a hot tub and a fireplace and the hotel has a pool - and the whole thing is cheap and his company pays anyway.
take care everyone - be good to you ((((((((((((hugs))))))))) Joan

And the professional counselors never hesitate to tell you what is wrong with us, but yes, emjo, they do not apply to themselves. Isn't it unethical of them to diagnose family members? Mine even went so far as to tell me I needed to be on anti-anxiety meds as well as anti-depressants. How little they know how a kind word or an offer with follow through will help.

well I don't know where to start. The flying pigs have turned into something else and hit the fan. Today has been one of THOSE days.
But first I will say Hi to everyone.
sharyn - definitely lots of challenges for your family these days. I hope the weight loss does not herald diabetes. I have managed to keep my blood sugar in the right range. Stress doesn't help.
juju - prayer and deep breathing is always good - I will look up more about anger. I see you are venting a lot and that is good
book - mother is still blaming but that time she didn't - I was amazed. Try to get a break please.
dreyfuss - sounds like others here - my sis is waiting to get it all but won't lift a finger to help and has accused me if not caring at all. Sharyn has good suggestions. I don't expect anything from my sis except trouble.
kthin3 - don't you just love those hands off "experts". I think your daughter will come to her sense eventually
gladimhere - my sis has a counselling diploma too - never applies what she learned to herself
jcbeagle1 - I think denial is rampant among family members that are not very involved. My sis says -well after all she is 100. and yeah she is, but that is not an explanation or excuse for the narcissism or borderline personality disorder behaviour. In any case she needs the care she needs. My father "show timed" well and relatives thought he didn't need to be where he was - but he did.
lowering your expectations of sibs helps
Margeaux glad you saw the baby - haven't held one in ages. I have allergies too which makes me more susceptible to sinus problems - hope the H2O2 works for you. Personally I think babysitting two young children and caregiving a senior with ALZ is way too much -and - your sis is not treating you right in my view - looks like using to me. You are not at her beck and call
envision - what a nerve your sis has!!!! Yes they that don't do, judge! Ugh
brandy - I am with you - have just about divorced my sis too.
I will start another post about the pigs landing or turning into something else and hitting the fan - I think I am calming down enough to be coherent.

jcbeagle1-
Very common, I would say that sibs think assisted living will be suitable. Have had the same problem with mine, as long as mom is with him, she will be happy. In fact, we tried a respite assisted situation before that they were able to share a unit. This was a miserable two weeks for him, my mom couldn't understand why she couldn't go home. They hope assisted will work because of the cost of memory care. When in fact memory care may not be suitable in some situations, like this one. When in respite my mom became agitated to the point of throwing things, and yelling. Only way to settle her was with an anti-anxiety drug. By the time she came home she was so lethargic from the meds, physical therapy was needed. It is pure naiveté on the part of the sibs that do not spend enough time to make even informed statements. But that is the way they choose to be.

Sibs! I have practically divorced mine. Wish I had more sibs. So I wouldn't feel so alone in life. Husband had dementia as well and I am his only caregiver. Our kids are like an ostrich, have their heads in the sand. Out of sight, out of mind.

dreyfuss, i too have all the responsibility of caregiving for my dad. for some dysfunctional reason, all of my brothers and sisters think they have the right to do nothing, for our dad, yet they think they can judge me. and yesterday i was talking to one of my sisters on the phone, and she actully said, "I don't know what you did to deserve this"..., WHAT, so i deserve this!

My sister called me up two nights ago. She asked whether I could come and cover, at mom's, that mom's caregiver had just called to say she couldn't make it the next day. I live on the other side of town from mom and my sister, and we live in a large city. So on a Friday, when I was needed, the traffic issue was going to be something.

When my sister asked whether I could cover for this caregiver though, she not only asked if I could go over there to moms. She then asked me or rather suggested that I take mom with me to my house, and that she'd pick mom up after work. My sister sometimes is rather concerned about seeing to it that mom gets out of the house. At first, I thought....."Well, it's a Friday, it's going to be rather rough, because of traffic, etc. But then I just said, yes to the plan. I thought, in my mind I'd pick mom up, have her at my place. Then I'd make them, my husband and me some dinner.

So I was up very early in the a.m., Friday, as my sister had requested I be at mom's by 10;00 a.m., and I was crossing town in morning traffic. Now the whole idea was the fact that I was covering for the absent caregiver.

Now I arrive at mom's, and the caregiver was there.
My niece the 24 year old daughter who watches my sister's grandson was there, and at first watching the baby.

Now, I was wondering, why I was called upon to come there to watch mom?
At some point, my 24 yr. old niece disappeared into her bedroom, and I assume she fell asleep. So now the caregiver was watching the baby.

Mom finally came out of her bedroom. She was having one of her very slow and sleepy days. So now, I started to wonder about my sister's original plan about my taking mother to my place, and having my sister pick her up there. So I waited a few hours. When mom fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up, I knew that it looked as if this plan was going to change.

In the meantime, my sister now calls me from work, to tell me that she'd pick mom up a bit later, (still thinking I was going to have mom at my apartment).
My sister now tells me that she'd been invited, last minute to a retirement dinner for a co-worker, and if this was all right with me. Now I did tell her, my plan had changed, because mom just was moving too slow, for me to think it made sense to take her out of the house, that day.

I was bugged, on account of this confusion going on in regards relieve in the absence of a caregiver that was supposed to be absent, but then showed up.
Now I was also questioning why my sister would suggest for me to take mom across town. I had told her I would make some dinner for them. Now she at the last moment, was trying to see whether it was o.k., to go to a retirement dinner.

My sister has done this on several occassions now. She says, one thing. I come to the rescue, then there is a completely different situation going on. She also seems to be operating on a spur of the moment, making strange changes in plans. I'm wondering when it was she discovered, that the caregiver was going to be there. Well she better watch out for this kind of behavior, because I am not always available to do the relief. I'm feeling as if she seems to think that I can just run over to mom's and do this at the drop of a hat, and I cannot! Plus, this felt like my toes were completely being stepped on, via the lack of communication. This did not feel good at all. Margeaux

I'm somewhat puzzled by a confusing situation going on at my mom's.

My sister lives there with mom, administering the caregiving of our mom (92 yrs. old), with ALZ. Her grown daughter lives there, she's 24 yrs. old. A little over a year ago, my sister's older daughter, her husband and their one an a half year old baby also were living there, but since moved out. Now they just had a baby girl 2 weeks ago. They live about 8 miles from my sister and mother.

Here's the thing though! My sister has allowed for my niece with the babies, to keep a bedroom, there at mom's. It's a two story home, with a second floor.
My sister's told me that they do this, since once my niece ended maternity leave after the birth of their first baby, they were showing up very early each morning so that they could leave their baby boy there at mom's, and my 24 yr. old niece could baby sit him, while his parents are working. The couple sleeps there on average of two to three times a week. Mother also has a caregiver there during the day. It appears that between which ever caregiver is there while the baby boy is there, the caregiver and niece watch this baby. He walks now, so watching him has become somewhat more challenging. The stairs in mother's home are a great temptation for him.

But I've noticed somewhat of a problem, or I don't know if it's one.
It appears that one of the caregivers is being doubled up, and asked to do duty for mom, and the niece with the baby. Now mom is rather low maintenance.
Mom can still do some basic things independently.

But yesterday, when I was there, since my niece with the newborn had to leave for a doctor's appointment with her newborn, she left her little boy there at mom's. Mom was awake and sitting on the couch watching some t.v. The caregiver was trying to see if the baby would take a nap, and he was giving her a hard time. So now she was trying to make something like oatmeal for him, to see if that would make him sleep. While she was in the kitchen trying to do this, I noticed, she kept looking over where the baby was, as he was walking back and forth from the couch to an arm chair. I could see that she was having a time focusing and preparing the oatmeal, and having to be on the lookout with the baby, as I've said....he's now walking and he wants to climb a lot. I told her,
not to worry, that I had my eyes on him.

Anyway, I'm just wondering whether this is a good arrangement that my niece and my sister have going on with the caregiver. Once her maternity leave is over,
now there are going to be two babies, and my mother there who all need caregiving. Margeaux

Emjo,

Thank you! I finally got to see the new baby very briefly, yesterday.
She was at my mom's, I had to do a last minute notice caregiving with mom, and my niece was there with her the newborn, and her 1 and a half year old.
The newborn is a girl, she is beautiful. My niece and her husband though were actually going out the door when I saw them because the baby has a touch of Jaundice. I did hear through my sister, (grandmother) of the baby, that it is within safe limits now. So that is good.

I do the sinus washes with salt or baking soda. They have improved somewhat, but also having to track what I'm eating, allergies. I think I'll try your recommendation.

O.K., hope all is well with you, and glad to see you posing here again.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Dreyfuss~I am so sorry your sibs aren't helpful. I wish I had something to tell you that would get them to help but the reality is they can choose not to help just like you can choose to help. Letting go of your anger is the best thing you can do for yourself in the long run because it really uses up a lot of energy being angry...I know that is easier said than done. You are doing what you believe is right and your parents are very fortunate to have you as a son. Check into respite programs for yourself, home health care to come in your parents home, a trusted church member or neighbor, adult day care.

Is it common for siblings to be dysfunctional? I have two brothers who don't seem to grasp or want to grasp that their mother has Alzheimer's. Any suggestions I make as to suggesting it's time for her to go somewhere, the reply is, well, you said you liked this development where you could both go and there will be someone there to help her during the day. The time is coming that she's going to have to go into a memory care unit not assisted living. How common is this thinking in siblings?

My spoiled brat of a 47 year old brother just sits and waits for his inheritance. The last time I spoke to him he said "Take care of Mom and Dad". Well, isn't that noble of him?

Hi Dreyfuss, Kithn and Gladimhere...I couldn't help it but giggle how the professional siblings are when it comes to their parents. I think they really do See the true situation but are pretending not to see. To see the truth, means that they must help. Like you said, gladimhere, we are blamed for any problems because it's convenient.

kthln3,
And I have a sibling that is a Licensed Professional Counselor that fails to recognize their own part in the dysfunction. Visits maybe three or four times a year, and lives five miles away. Blames the lack of contact on me, the caregiver, but what I am is a convenient excuse.

This is a good thread! I have an older sister who has POA for my two elderly parents while my husband and I are the main caregivers. Sister Dear is an RN (Associate's Degree only; thinks she's the Medical Expert of the World) and believes she is the only one with a handle on anything. She is continually wringing her hands, fretfully saying "oh, we're so dysfunctional, we're so dysfunctional!!!", without ever taking any responsibility for adding to the "dysfunction". I do not know one single family that doesn't have some dysfunction...just try to do the best with what you have and quit wringing your hands over it like Sister Dear does. Incidentally: she visits mom once a week "when it's convenient"; visits dad "when she can" because OMG, she has such a busy, busy life. Yeah, don't we all. I distance myself from her and we have very, very, very little to do with each other. She has a close relationship with my daughter, who adores her and thinks I, her mom, is a complete b***h. Whatever.

My family is certainly dysfunctional. I am the son who lives the closest and is attempting to help my 90 year old parents. My youngest brother is a spoiled brat who is waiting for his inheritance. My oldest brother is a lunatic who is incapable of helping himself. My other brother is 300 miles away and has his own health problems. It can be a very lonely feeling. So lonely.

Brandy good to see you back posting again.

Sharyn, sorry to hear about your brother. I hope the meds work and he gets better.

Joan, I couldn’t help it. I laughed aloud when I read your words about “Well, pigs fly1..and she asnwered …it was HER FAULT.” Your mom was always finding someone to blame and not her.

Brandy, you definitely have your plate full with hubby. Wow, you have experience when it comes to caregiving.

Sorry, I’m so tired. Every day that I wake up, it’s with exhaustion. Today, my brain was foggy at work. Didn’t do much work today.

Oops prayer..new ad works but since it is new I and I am weak right now I don't remember to go there! Heck I don't remember what day it is sometime, hahaha
Thanks agin

Thanks for the support! As I told envision good idea,s breathing is a good one I had forgot... And prayer, it is new to me this past year but it has worked So ya! I am so beat down right now physically as well some time I am just to tired for things.. So those two are really good. Reading I have difficulty with. I tend to either fall asleep or actually wander back to thought while reading and don't absorb it. So I find myself having to re-read over n over. This site has been good cuz it is interactive n short story's n articles keeps me involved. Well at ER with ma and almost out of juice so gnite and thanks for everything! Will check back in later!

Joan~It's not really one thing after another as much as it is just our lives right now. A lot of changes for everyone and finding the most comfortable fit for some and others in my family have lost members as you know. I hope to get a day or two next week for day trips. Yes, I have lost 20lb. I don't know for sure, but I think it may be related to me being pre-diabetic. Hang in there everyone and Brandy, I am happy you posted, I hope you feel comfortable because you get lots of support here!!

Thank you so much for your kind words, emjo, Joan. This caregiving is not for sissies.

(((((((brandy)))))) u r not a bad person - definitely. And you have had too much caregiving. You need to put yourself first as much as you can. I know that isn't easy with all the family problems you have. So many find that they, the one who has done so much caregiving are branded as troublesome, or difficult. I have that label at times, particularly if I stick up for myself. Too bad. I rise above it. You have to look after yourself, one else will. Take care Joan

Dysfunctional family, I've got it. Husband has dementia and it is getting worse. He won't go see a neurologist b/c he is afraid of losing his drivers lic. Mother has full blown vas dementia. Sister is half crazy/half mean. Had to take care of my mil and she had dementia. Had to take care of my dad. He had depression. Had to take care of my step dad, he was bipolar. I think sister is either an alcoholic, bipolar, or has early onset dementia. Had to raise my husband's children from previous marriage, then raise ours. Had to semi- raise his ex. she was so juvenile and alcoholic. What fun. It seems like all my life I have had to take care of people. Now I am sick myself and they are blaming me for being a bad person, which I am most def not.