The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

ooops - her BP has been coming down and she usually watches it and adjusts her BP meds, A lot of her adult life she has passed out every now and again - especially when she has a stomach upset She goes down like a log, get up and it doesn't happen again for several years. She has never hurt herself, and did not this time. I was shocked when she said it was her fault - I don't think I have ever hear those words before!!!. It only took 101 years lol. Have a good day everyone.

u r right envision -one day, one hour, sometimes one breath at a time. I learned that particularly well after my son was killed. Also that arts and crafts help to calm. I must start crocheting or knitting again\
sharyn (((((((hugs)))))) boy one thing after another. I do hope the docs can help your bro. I am sure the stress of the death of your nephew and your mother's decline haven't helped him, Are you getting some time to yourself? I saw somewhere that you had lost 20 lbs - I wish. I put on about 8 this winter and it has to come off.

Well, pigs fly! The ALF called yesterday and said that mother had fallen and bumped her head, that she was OK and they were monitoring her. I emailed and she answered that it was HER FAULT

Just a short update, my brother's lung disease has progressed and he is back to taking prednisone. Dr.s are hoping to restore his breathing capacity back to where it was 6 months ago.

jujubean, one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time... and i am not being flip about this. i also come from a very disfunctional family. i have good days, bad depressed days, and i can't take it anymore days. this is what helps me too: Jesus, my dogs, gardening, reading self-help books, art, any kind of art, i just bought a color by numbers kit and it helped me to settle down my thoughts while creating something, exercise, even 10 minutes, take a deep breath hold at least 3 seconds and then as you exhale let your body go loose, repeat several breaths, reading and prayer. oh and do something today that will make tomorrow better for you.

juju - just saw ur most recent post - re your brothers - I think there is a connection - makes sense

(((((((hugs))))) -You are grieving -feeling the losses - that is good. Tears are good. Be as loyal too yourself as you are to her. We have to become our own parent. and do those things for ourselves that our parent's were/are not able to.
more hugs - wish they could be more than cyber Joan

i wonder now as i write this out, did the difficulties in mom's previous delivery's have anything to do with the mental status of my brother's. They never talked bout the details just that it was difficulties. idk what happened. once in one of dad manic spells he told me some details, about one brother, and mom denied them when i asked her, something bout oxygen deprivations.... she always denied any one of the boys were sick tho...never even when he was living in filth and animal excrement..she said he was fine so ya never know!!

Anyway the scientific side took over just thinking there has got to be a connection.

so i will go down in flames for her!!

I am grateful I always knew she loved me but since i was the the young lil baby of family i was the one around for her to take out all the worlds frustrations out on. as i reflected on it as an adult i could see her actions were that just frustrations! I am grateful for that portion, doesn't mean it didn't hurt just means i truly believe she did not mean it...and as she cocooned into a sweet loving person with this disease it only validated that....the dementia erased her frustration with life.....I don't want dementia to be my relief i want some relief that i can feel!!! Sadly she would always say i was her little miracle...3 boys before me...all difficult births issues and the last one passed away. The doctor told her no more kids, you will die, but she had me anyway So they had a whole ped team there ready for me and i came out just perfect not a problem at all!! She was fine i was fine, life should have been good, but they say my dad never recovered from losing Jeffrey, before me....and that's when things were going to shit right as i came along by the time i was 3 she had to go to work 2 jobs and we never bonded really past that. She was robbed of the relationship as much as i was, is my point....K im crying again I am outta here!!!!

cmag - sounds like you have it straight. Let him start paying back what your step dad owes.
juju - prayers for some respite for you - can you apply for medicaid for your mum - I believe they will pay for some in home care - keep us posted...

Juju it is good you are able to express your feelings-I too had a rough childhood-my sister who is much younger than me were able to talk about our growing up and the way we were treated did change the way we became as adults and what we were able to accomplish-my mom once praised herself for the way us kids turned out and said she had been a good mother-in fact we turned out well in spite of her mothering or non mothering as it were and in her elder years she pit us against each other-she passed away last Oct. and I was the one-the least liked kid who was with her at the hospital 24 hrs a day for a whole week and the night before her stroke she finally thanked me for giving her a glass of waterand I the one she never liked was the last one to talk with her before she died-I had learned a lot about narcissic moms here on this thread and was able to realize it was not that I was a bad person-she was narcissic and the problems were because of how she behaved and I was able to come to terms about how inadquite I alway felt.

Well I am beat and done today but I just say money is the issue with respite!!! But we working on it!!! With mental illness poverty is not far behind.

Thank you Joan and I too am suspicious of my step-brother. He knows that his dad owes my mother several thousands and even promised to start paying it back to my mother as his dad's POA, but I've not seen a dime of it and really don't expect it. Unfortunately, he's seen mom's bank statements and knows she has a lot of money and wants some of it to help his dad who does not have any money saved up or a long term care insurance policy. His dad has him and two other siblings with great paying jobs. My mother's money and securities are for her care that the long term car policy does not cover.

Well, I believe you and others here do too. I have wondered how my life would have gone had I had a better beginning. Yes, it is personal loss and we do need to be validated. It is only in the past few years and through my connection on AC that I realised how much caregiving I have done in my life. Mother and her temperament has had to be catered to all my life. I understand about the looking fine but am not. I am a fighter too - don't let the b*stards get you down, but I am also very weary of it all and want peace in my life -and also someone who will care for me too -at least let it be mutual. Over the years I have fantasized about "giving up" the battle and just being cared for - but there was no way except the funny farm and I don't belong there. So now I care for me - give myself treats and breaks -I deserve them. If someone else wants to do things for me fine, but I have found you can't count on much of that. and maybe it is hard for me to receive. You need some time off, juju, Could you arrange it and give yourself a break? You want there to be enough of you left when this is over. (((((((hugs)))))))

Thank you joan, I call it my personal purgatory. Function well and have a happy spirit and you are not believed or taken seriously. To me with all that goes on in my mind i think wow if i do this good, naturally, with this shitstorm, what would i have been without it... that is personal loss, not a wudda cudda shudda or be grateful for what u have, as i so often hear, just want that to be validated or the oh your full of it, look at you, your fine....ya i look fine but i am not, all i am is a fighter that has been in the ring way tooo long! I at least only have to take care of ma now but that one is the ultimate challenge...to escort her out of this world as best i can....Im not the strong family leader i once was, i am tired and for once want to be the caregiveeeee! Just for 1 F-ing day for now would be good, 1 24 hour period all to my self....been at least 3 if not more years since i had a day off of shit cleaning duty...except for hospital stay and that was traumatic! so it don't count dammit!!! lol!!! Thanks for caring!!!
Thanks for the support!

Margeaux -congrats on the new baby in the family. re your sinuses - I rinse mine 2-3 times a day with diluted hydrogen peroxide and haven't had a cold since. I just put a few mls of H2O2 into one of those little bottles of saline and squirt, not spray it in. As long as I keep doing that, they stay OK.
sharyn - lots still happening for you -cleaning up your mum's home and moving her to the memory unit., and finding a home for midget. Lots of work. I hope your sis stays well enough to do the job - the stress of it all may be affecting her too. I know you are very sensitive to signs of dementia. I would feel better of she had a proper evaluation.
cmag - your mum has taken a turn down. The twisted bowel is quite serious and can recur. I would suspect that your half bro is interested in what he and your step dad could get from your mum - maybe I am too suspicious
brandy - I got sick of keeping the family secrets so I say what I want to. If they don't like it - their problem. I have had enough problems from them with being used, put down etc. agreed - post under a new name if it makes you feel better - but get it out - it is better for you. I spilled some stuff to a cousin who was a friend, I thought, and haven't heard back from him in a year, So be it. I am tired if keeping up a "good front" to hide the hurts.
book - hope things are lighter now with just your dad. I read somewhere you were thinking of looking for a facility for him - good idea
ppalmer - hilarious - helicopters - thanks for the laugh
gladimhere -you are right - the issues are very similar
juju - welcome - you have survived, and so have I but I know about the scars, the doubts, the old tapes that play in your head, the anger, depression etc. Speaking up about it (writing) helps. I wrote a long letter to my mother once while reading a healing book, about the hurts she had caused me, and sent it. Then I read the next chapter which said,":but do not send it!" Oooops! Oh well, it didn't really make any difference in our relationship - she had an explanation that satisfied her for every point I made. Looking back, it was part of my healing as I acknowledged the hurts, the pain, the dysfunction, the shame, how much my childhood affected the rest of my life - and still is, but, much less than before. I have gone to counsellors who, once they hear I don't have any addictions, (drugs, alcohol or cigarettes) haven't been promiscuous, have had a good career, have gotten out of two bad marriages, have some good friends and decent relationships with my kids (over all) think I am fine. Well, I function pretty well, but they do not know what I have dealt with on the inside, and still do at times and what I still deal with in my mother and sister. You ask very good questions. Yes, the scars stay for life and I don't know what :normal" is so I rely on girlfriends at times. I think we carry "sensitive" points for life. Your past is what you were given to deal with - no choices there. But at some point, as people grow and mature they start to take responsibility for creating the life they want. What has helped me - realising that, for whatever reasons, I made the choices that I made as an adult and still do make choices, and still have freedom to explore alternative choices. That gives me a feeling of power. The whole issue of anger is a big one. I am almost finished reading a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate. Near the end he talks about anger and how those of us in dysfunctional families are anxious when we feel anger because of the family of origin dynamics. And that we do not feel anger in a normal way. I had sort of realised that over the years when seeing a friend who came from a pretty normal family get angry in a very different way than I did -and she had different feelings. I will look up more specifics for you and post later. I had an AHA moment - and am working towards having "normal" anger. In any case, expressing it, accepting the realities of all the unfairness, the burdens, the pain, embarrassment, even disgust is I think, necessary for moving on. We have to feel the hurt and grieve our lost childhoods and our adult losses, the things we would have done differently if ... before we can move on, It is no small task, but very worthwhile.
I sense you are a brave person. Good you got the toxic people out of your life - I have done that too - they were just substitute family members, bringing me the same problems. I will get back to you about anger.
Love and ((((((hugs)))) and prayers to all - Joan

Cmag~I am sorry to hear about your mother. I hope and pray she recovers as quickly as she can. Based on in the info you provided, I would take your step brothers offer as a formality to help with due to his connection with the family. I offer to help my brother and sil but my brother will tell me, realistically you can't because you have your plate full dealing with mom. I have learned to not offer help but to offer support and love. It may be that your step brother is doing the same thing. I meant well in offering help to my brother, but he was right, I already have too much going with mom to help...not that I wouldn't give it my best. You know your step brother better than I and what his overall intentions may be. Keep us posted on your mother and how things are developing. Sending you hugs and prayers!!

dysfunction runs rampant..where I am at in my battle with it is...I hold a great deal of resentment for the life I was born into...I am fairly well functioning only survivor of a very non functioning family although the scars carry their own damage and dysfunction....(dad n both bro's were bat shit crazy and could not even keep a job due to it, and mom was in caregiver burnout mode trying to keep a roof over all of our head so was a very unhappy woman) . so the side effect.... I struggle with the blues, the poor me's! I have come to understand that this family meant me no harm however caused me severe emotional distress my entire life. they meant me no harm...they were not well...I cannot be mad at them having an illness. I can be mad that I born into it, I can be mad they did not manage it well and disrupted most of my life. and I can be mad that I didn't have the coping skills to handle it the best way possible.

but anger doesn't help me at all so that is where I am at today... 'how do you get past the anger of how others have affected you. intentional or not for that matter. we only have control of ourselves so it is my duty to get past this but I have been stuck here at this plateau of anger for many many years due to the isolation my life has taken on. and it is not the just take a walk or a cup of coffee answer I seek....what is it that works for you to move on and not "harsh your own buzz with negative thoughts". I am not kidding I can count prob 10 major life changing blows that are connected somehow to this issue, which as my former counselor put it (15 ys ago b4 mom)...."man you are a scrapper for sure" "any 1 of those is enuf to do damage and you got a list full"...... Where do you get the energy to keep going especially for me, alone with out any family or close friends.. my recent mechanism of eliminating people who bring you down or are not genuine, has left me pretty lonely! I always was a small circle kinda girl anyway??? so what mental coping skills help you get past all the crap and stop the poor me's!!!

Thanks for any input you may have!!!

While my mother's health has taken a turn for the worse, I'm all of a sudden being called up on the phone by my step-brother. He's never shown any concern for her in the past, even three years ago when it looked like she might die. My step-brother said he was calling to offer his help in this present situation and for some strange reason offered to go with me if I need him when going to the hospital. He's even staying home this weekend and not going to work on his house by the river because of my mother's health situation.

My mother's health situation is this. Sunday, she went to ER and they discovered she had twisted bowels and an UTI plus suspected pneumonia. Using a non surgical method, they were able to untwist her. They put her in CCU that night and for Monday night as well. It was discovered that part of the reason for the UTI was a partial blockage of the right kidney. The kidney doctor operated on her yesterday and put a stint in her kidney. All this time my mother has said very few words, seemed confused at times, but has slept most of the time since Sunday. Her infection was not any better today and the kidney doctor wonders if he put the stint in the right place. She does have a touch of pneumonia. When the doctor was asked about was she going to get better, all she said was well she's not in any pain and is sleeping.

This whole situation evidently has my step-father and his helper, plus possibly his son thinking that my mother is going to die. But my step-brother calling me on the phone and offering his help, I don't understand why? They don't know this, but none of them will gain anything when mom dies for that is what her will says.

Prayers and love to all.

The issues in many dysfunctional families are very similar. I too, have read posts that sound like my sibs, but would be very surprised if it was them. That is just the way it is. Make sure your screen name is fictitious and would not be identifying to them. Is brandywine something she may be able to pick up on? Were you born in 1949? If so, change your screen name.

I have done the same thing, changing circumstances such as when it occurred using false names or initials for people involved.

I just have to say I love the thread title!!! Dysfunction runs rampant...nice to create a safe haven!!!! But I feel safe so far, just about anywhere here at AC!!
Love it.
Juju

Brandywine1949,

I realize that you really want to discuss your issue about your sister, because this isn't the first time you've posted that she may be visiting this site. You can camoflauge, (change some facts), about your situation, but of course write what the issue concerns. One should never be this afraid of trying to get some points of views. Like they say, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." Really, when it comes down to it, what do you have to lose? O.K., I'm just trying to encourage you to post.

I did exactly this, when I was writing on another blog about friendship issues.
Since some of the story involved my husband, I changed up his line of work for example. Hey, if you even have to change your sign in name, as you might think it would point towards, you, do that too. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Brandy~I agree with Book. You can address your sis as a sil, step-sis, cousin,etc. Whatever you are comfortable doing.

Brandy, if you address sis here on this thread as SIL, we will all know whom you're talking about....

I have something to say about my sib but I am afraid to say it here. I am afraid she is here too. Some of the posts sound like her. Should I post anyway? Should I skew the facts a bit so she doesn't recognize me?

Glad, what blog would that be?

I came across a blog today that is especially helpful to me today and trying to deal with dysfunctional family member that always know better than the caregiver.

Bookluvr,

That's funny! SOL, in spanish means sun. The next step to son, HAAH!
Hope you're doing well Book! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book~Good idea...you could add in the i but then it would be soil, HAHAHA!! I like sol!!Just my warped sense of humor and my brain is fried today.

Margeaux~I just assumed it was a "girls" time out, never occurred to me your niece's husband would be joining them. I had to laugh when I read your response, "Good God, No"!!! I envy you that you have little ones in the family, I really miss that. I can't wait to be a grandma!!

I meant that you are not minimizing my concerns about my sister, sorry for that misinformation. I have no doubts about her handling my mom's finances, I am just concerned about her longevity in working at her job and her overall quality of life in the future. I would not want to be dealing with all the paperwork she is having to deal with...she has to pay the community monthly, then bill the LTC for reimbursement, for all mom's meds...she has to bill mom's health insurance. She is paying for PG&E, city, yard service and the alarm service, telephone all at mom's house.Of course once we sell the house, those bills will stop,however, if the people who buy the house don't want the alarm, then we have to pay a penalty because it is a 3 year contract which I didn't know that until afterwards but it better to have the house secure than not since we don't know how long it may take to sell it. I really suck at paperwork, I hate it with a passion. I just picked up mom's watch from the jeweler's, wrote a check for it and when I got home, I realized I didn't get a receipt. So I called them asking if they could write out a receipt for me and I will get it tomorrow.

I am glad your sister has sent out signals to your sil, LOL!!, and she is getting the message.

Mom's shower was uneventful today, thank goodness, she did lock the door but I opened it easily enough. Midget however, is not adjusting to assisted living and they told me as much. She shredded the screen door on the slider. Basically it comes down to if we keep mom in assisted living we have to remove Midget. A studio apartment will be available as of tomorrow in the memory care unit, they will only give Midget 2 weeks to adjust....but, the aides will have easier access to her down there. I guess we are going to move my mom to the memory care unit. The bottom line as I see it, mom is going to lose Midget no matter what, I don't see it any better for her down there, she is not used to being left alone for long periods of time during her five years of life. My brother will take Midget, but I want mom to see her more than my brother will be visiting. With everything that has been going in his life, he has only visited mom once...understandable. The question is....should I try to acclimate Midget to my cat during the 4 weeks I am off, she does love me and is comfortable with me, but my cat is 8 years old and has never been socialized with a dog. I guess mom is going decline in this disease no matter what I do whether I fight to keep her in assisted living or take the dog as my own so she can see her more often....I hate this disease and all the decisions.