The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

How about we designate son-in-law as SOL?

Sharynmarie,

Good God, no! Can one use the (SIL) abbreviation for son-in-law?
Anyway, that is who I meant. My nieces husband.

Lately my sister has been trying to create some distance w/the sister-in-law.
She has been in touch w/our brother, SIL's husband, trying to give morale support about the job loss. My sister says that when she has been around the SIL, the conversations are kept super general. It's not like it was mos. back. My sister did unfortunately let her guard down with her. We suspect that the SIL, is getting the message, that something is up.

I know my sister's daughter would probably be very cautious about either of her two babies being in the presence of the SIL. Remember? She is the one who on Christmas at mother's dissed my nieces little 1 yr. old boy. SIL's youngest daughter participated in this too. How low of them. So I'm sure on account of this, it changes the game plan about SIL, her daughter and my sister's grandchildren.

Thank you, Sharynmarie for the congrats. Margeaux
I can't wait to meet the new little one. My sister says that the baby boy who is now 1 & a half, was taken into to mom's hospital room. When he realized there was another baby, he wanted to do nothing w/his mom, nor the baby. It's understandable, since he doesn't talk yet. The parents couldn't really prepare him for this. It's interesting how the human emotions are expressed so young.
The next day though, he was taken in the room again. Now he had another reaction of acceptance, and was very curious with the new little one.
He's adorable. I'm sure little sister is too!

Margeaux~Congrats on becoming a great aunt!! Is the sil you are talking about the one your sister has issues with? If so, what a shopping trip that must have been.

No, you are minimizing my concerns regarding my sister. Even she has noticed over the last year that she forgets things, she talked to the dr. at Kaiser about it and she told my sister they do not do memory evaluations at Kaiser, I guess they consider dementia to be a normal part of aging and not a disease in itself. Part of it could be her low blood pressure because when it drops too low, she slurs her words and can have trouble explaining something. I know her health is a real disability for her and if she were more financially set for retirement, she would be able to retire now but she says she will have to work until she dies. When the recession hit in 2008, she lost 1/3 of her pension when the stock market bottomed out and she hasn't recouped that loss yet. I just worry about her health and I know it's not really my problem as much as it is between her and her daughters. Well, I gotta go, having lunch with mom today, instead of a shower, I am going to take her to their whirlpool bath, may be easier for mom and more enjoyable. Midget shredded the screen door on the slider...Hugs to you!!

So after I spent that day at my mom's the other day, I was completely exhausted!
I had been feeling as if a sinus condition was about to get ahold of me. Well, after I returned home, it sure did! I've been down all weekend long with it. It was terrible!
But I've been drinking Rosemary tea, and hydrating. I'm starting to get cabin fever over here, since I haven't been out at all.

So, one of the reasons that I went to do relief at mom's was because there's a triad of a situation going on there. My sister's oldest daughter was at the end of her pregnancy of her second child. This daughter and her husband previously lived there at mom's also for about 3 yrs., then moved out last year after their first baby. But apparently they still have their foot in the door there at moms home.
After this niece had the first baby, she took maternity leave. When she returned to work, she and her husband were leaving the baby at mom's for my sister's youngest daughter to babysit. The caregiver, was also doing some babysitting, when necessary.

It was my pregnant niece's last appointment at the doctors the other day when I went to care for mom. The caregiver was watching my niece's baby boy, since he was under the weather.

So after a full day at work, my sister had plans to run over to her daughter's home, and help her organize some things for the new baby due this next week.
My sister told me later, that evening when she finally arrived home, which was at 10:00 p.m., that the plan got scraped. She ended up going to a mall about 30 miles away, w/her pregnant daughter, the baby, and SIL.
I could tell that my sister was somewhat annoyed at the change in plans. First of all, she thought that the SIL, wasn't going to be there, apparently being one of the reasons she was going to help her daughter. She obviously didn't end up liking the fact, that they got stuck in lots of traffic to and from the mall.
After she complained and complained about the change in the plan, and also the fact that her daughter didn't tell her, that the SIL was there. I told her, that there would be no way I would have gone shopping after working all day. I think my sister is some kind of a nut case. But I'm finding out also, that her daughter is rather on the inconsiderate side also.

Talk about someone who over does every thing! But I don't understand my pregnant niece, either! Her baby boy was just recuperating from having some kind of bug, and they take him shopping.

So, the good news is that my niece gave birth to a 7lb. and ozs., little girl on May 26th. I haven't seen her yet, still recuperating from my sinus condition.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm aware that in the past you have described your sister as being good with accounting, and other such things. Possibly she doesn't understand the difference about what Medicare and the LTC policy cover. I realize that she is in charge legally speaking in this area. However, this kind of confusion can happen to anyone.

If you are noticing that she appears to be forgetful, as in the situation regarding your mom's sheets, etc., and other such things like that, this can happen to anyone of us. I think it is more likely also, when you are talking about someone who has a swollen ankle for several mos. and is falling asleep at work.
I know you have mentioned also, that she drives, what is it....45 mins., to come out your way, where your mom is? This is the flip side of someone coming from a distance to assist. In her condition, this must be a lot for her.
I know this part, because when I go to relieve my sister, or just drop by to see mother, it takes me that long, and longer. If I've not slept properly, the night I stay there, it really takes all of my focus to just do the drive.

I realize everything that you are doing, and by mentioning what I have about your sister, I do not mean to minimize your input. But I'm just trying to share with you some observations.

If your sister is not feeling good, and she's attempting to keep up her responsibilities as the DPOA this must be very rough. If you are noticing though that there are repeated situations of the variety like the bed sheets, of which I consider more of a spaced out kind, I would get concerned. Now I really don't know that I would jump to conclusions though, and start thinking it is some kind of Dementia. Anybody for lack of sleep, trying to maintain their responsibilities can become forgetful.

Both of you are doing quite a lot for your mother, overseeing everything as she's moved into the AL center. You are also trying to get her house cleaned out. That has got to be a huge task!
In any case, I hope that your sister is able to really assess that swollen ankle.
You may have to call upon her daughters too, if you start to notice a pattern.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I just witnessed my mother walk in and out of the house 4 times and look up in the sky..Then I heard her mumbling something..I finally asked her "what are you doing"..She said those "damn helicopters keep flying so low over the house and making a racket"... I laughed and said "It's John (my husband) mowing the lawn"".. "Oh really" she said... I just rolled my eyes and started laughing...

Horserider,

A little over a year ago, my mom as I mentioned used to sleep in her bedroom with her sister, who was ailing from congestive heart failure, and a variety of health issues. Of course by now, my sister had moved into mom's home to administer the caregiving.

Since my sister works full time, she hires caregivers during the day. As my aunt's needs increased, then she had a hospice situation going on at mom's home with my aunt. There was a caregiver who did sleep the night in the bedroom, with both my aunt and mom. By then, our aunt's hospice provided a hospital bed for her. The caregiver slept in a doubled sized bed, with mother. Honestly, I do not know how the caregiver did this. She is a rather large woman to have to be sharing a double sized bed with mom. But according to the CG, mom slept/sleeps on the corner of her side of the bed and doesn't move around much during the night.

Our mom and her sister had a co-dependent, clingy relationship all of their lives..
My aunt was very controlling of mom. When our aunt died, my sister continued the arrangement of the CG being the night sitter. About this time, I suggested to my sister, that she move her King sized bed, downstairs, for a better sleeping arrangement for whomever would be the night sitter.. Well, as usual, my sister didn't do this, until SHE had the ultimate reason of her own, which was when they re-carpeted mother's entire house. Now the double sz. bed, got swapped out for the King. There was another CG, that didn't want to sleep in the same bed with our mother. I completely understand this, and I'm my mom's daughter.

At some point, this last year this CG, (who'd been the main CG) for already four years, informed my sister she was no longer available to do the night sitting. So now my sister, has been sleeping there at night w/mom. Again, I don't know how she does this, because she gets up at five a.m., to start her day and then goes to work. But my sister is a neurotic, of which I'll write later.

Yes, I'm aware about all of the clingy behavior that may be manifest in mom, and we are seeing it, especially if she is not being medicated. My sister is the DPOA, and MPOA. Anyway, my own relationship w/my sister, is she's the controller.
I make suggestions based on existing and repeated complaints by her. But as usual, she ends up making those judgment calls. I'm o.k. with some of them.
But, my sister doesn't get more informed about ALZ, and the education part about it all. Than, there is the component about mom that since she was too concerned w/her strange loyalties to her sister of course the rest of us became second and third bananas. I admit, there is some of this that does come into play with mom
Since her sister is no longer alive, now mom is doing this to we the daughters.
Interesting how she never does this to our two brothers. But I guess this isn't surprising either, since we daughters are the ones in our family who have always towed the line, in terms of being the perpetual babysitters, caregivers.

But Horserider, you are so right about what you explained. I definitely remind myself about this aspect of ALZ/Dementia; their reality, right? I'm so grateful when others on this site explain and remind me of this fact. We're in this together aren't we! Thanks! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I am worried about my about my sister. I do not know if I am reaching to far here in thinking she may have early stage dementia or if she just overwhelmed right now. I have noticed on and off for some months now that she is not picking up on info she should be. For example, when sis and I had a free consultation with an attorney almost a year ago, he explained to us about the springing DPOA we had. Sis was confused and the attorney ( I admit he was arrogant), he looked at me and said...Are you following what I am saying? I repeated back to him how I understood what he said, he said correct. He was somewhat rude. I disregarded his attitude toward my sister. Then in Oct. we had an appt. with mom's attorney, a week later, my sister mentioned some things to me and I said, don't you remember Mr R said....blah blah blah. She said no, I don't remember him saying that. Then when we met with mom's attorney again after mom was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated, a week later my sister brought up some things again. I said again, Mr. R said blah blah blah. She responded that she didn't remember that. A week ago, sis was telling me that she doesn't understand why medicare is not paying a portion of mom's bill at the community. I said why would they do that??? She said aren't they responsible for a portion of the bill?? I said no...medicare will not pay for nursing care or assisted living care, medicare will cover her dr. appts., hospitalization and a portion of her prescriptions. She said OH.. well I billed mom's LTC policy for her prescriptions. I told sis no, the LTC policy will only cover mom's bill for living at the community. Medicare and mom's health insurance from Wells Fargo will cover prescriptions, dr. appts. and a hospital stay or visit to ER. Another thing she did and it could be she is not reading all my emails I send to her, but earlier last week she said she was taking half a day off on Friday so we could work at mom's house. She said prior to going to mom's house, she would go by the community to pick up mom's laundry so we could do it while at mom's house, is there anything else you think we need to do? I emailed her back saying, change the sheets on mom's bed because Saturday will be a week since we did it. Yesterday I asked her if she changed the sheets...she said NO, I didn't even think about that. I got to mom's house yesterday around 1:30. It took sis almost 2 hours to go through the receipts and other info I gave her...she wrote me a check but still didn't reimburse me for 75.92 I spent on Midget for the potty patch, dog food and a new harness. It's not the money that bothers me, it's her inability to stay focused.I know she has health issues, she has told me she falls asleep at work daily, one of her ankles and foot has been swelling for several months, finally after her complaining to Kaiser about it for months, one of her dr.'s took it serious and did a scan to make sure she doesn't have a blood clot. My sis was all over the place yesterday and it wasn't until 3:30 before we finally went through things at mom's house. I did call a locksmith to come out to open a metal box mom has that we can't find the key for, Bingo!!! We found the $1300 we had counted out a couple months ago and mom re-hid it!! Tell me, do you all think my sis may be developing dementia at 60 yrs. old or is it related to her health issue? If she keeps this up, she may lose her job. I talked with her a few weeks ago about how she needs to have a serious conversation with her daughters regarding her care in the future...she was able to understand my meaning...that I would not be able to provide that care for her.

The sleeping "on guard" isn't really restful - at some point might you guys have to get a night sitter? Sleeping meds for Mom?
The "clingy" thing may be because of the dementia -- not having a functioning memory may make her cling to someone she trusts to keep her safe (think 3 yr old!). It could also be that Mom is keeping track of you to make sure she isn't surprised when you re-appear.
I've also seen where every time someone goes out of sight and then re-appears the AZ person thinks a "new" (but identical) person has appeared. The original person is still around somewhere, and pretty soon they think 6-9 identical people are "somewhere" the house (all with short brown hair, all wearing the same thing, all the mother of 5 children, etc. etc). We would to go room-to-room to establish that there was only one person (and he still wasn't entirely convinced).
This didn't happen with people he knew well though.

Margeaux~It does sound like your mother may benefit from some sort of medication...either an anti-anxiety or antidepressant. You know your sister best as to whether this is part of her controlling things or whether she is experimenting as she learns. It does sound like your mother's dr. is closed to experimenting with different medications that may help instead of staying with what he only knows is recommended for dementia. Whether your sister is open to changing to a geriatric dr. is difficult for you to suggest since she is one who is dealing with the daily caregiving. How hard that must be for you when you want to help, offer suggestions and your sister is not receptive to it. Let us know how it goes and how you are doing through all this. Hugs!!

Well, I hadn't written about the fact that it's been a little close to a month and a half, that my sister decided to stop giving mother her medications for the ALZ. Mom was on several. My sister had asked, suggested to mom's personal physician that mom has become really comatose. All mother had been doing for some months now, is sleep, morning, noon and night! I know my sister was rather annoyed with the doctor, who didn't appear to want to look into this matter.
My sister told me that just before she decided to take mom off the medications,
that she was having to wake mom up so that she could have something to eat.
When she asked the doctor about her concern that mom was only sleeping, possibility of over medication, etc. The doctor didn't really reply to this issue, rather stated to her that, she should monitor mom, blah did blah. So then my sister called to inform me about this, and said, "It's easy for the doc to say this,
but I'm the one living w/a comatose woman." I did totally understand my sister's position, because I was feeling like this about always seeing mom sleeping when I'd go there. Anyway, so this is when my sister made the decision she was going to take mom off of the meds, and did.

This all coincided with some other issues mom was having at the time.
She was having a UTI, then she was diagnosed with the gallstones. She was given two sets of anti-biotics for all of this, prior to she having the gallbladder surgery. She wasn't eating very much, while suffering with the gallstones, so we started to wonder what all the meds, plus the anti-biotics were doing to her system, as she was complaining about a sour taste in her mouth.

So about a month has passed since all of this. I spent the night a day ago with her to relieve my sister. She is feeling better from the gallbladder Laparoscopic surgery, and she is finally eating much better.

It is interesting, to see, I'll call it another level of ALZ. What I'm talking about is seeing someone in her condition w/o the medications. We really have not been able to gauge her behavior, since all she did was sleep. So, she is quite awake now. It's amazing to see her reactions, too. Some signs of life have re-appeared.
Now here comes the however part. While I was there, of course I was happy to see her, assist in whatever. But, at some point she was starting to feel very clingy. She was sitting on the couch in front of the tv, as usual. I was sitting there next to her much of the time, and get up when I was fixing something for us to eat, etc. The kitchen is adjacent to the living room. So I noticed each time I'd get up to go to the kitchen, she'd start staring over in the direction where I was going.
Then she'd behave as if she was going to start getting up to come to the kitchen.
By the time five hours had passed, I felt like my mom had a chain around my neck, with this kind of energy. Now my sister had complained to me about a week ago, that our mom had been doing this to her, and then some because my sister as many of you already are aware, lives with her. My sister said that, mom was asking her where she was going, each and every time my sister was moving around the house just to get things done.

My sister as a rule, sleeps in the same bedroom on a King sized bed. She started to do this over a year ago, after mom's sister who slept in that bedroom passed away. My sister's bedroom is upstairs, and feels this arrangement, for her is necessary because even though mom can still walk to the bathroom at night, my sister feels better being able to be closer, in case mother were to fall, etc. So what this means, is that the light to the bathroom which is right next to mom's bedroom remains on all night so that mom can see her way there.

So that night I was there, I was exhausted, and suggested to mom we go to the bedroom. I really don't like sleeping in that bedroom, no less on that King sized bed with her. As she was headed towards the bedroom, she asked if I was coming. I was, however I wasn't planning to go there immediately. I was quite honestly to be able to free myself from mom's energy of I having to be with her.
So I told her, "yes, mom I'll be in there, you go to bed, good night." I needed my space! I went in there after about 15 mins. She was already in the bed.
Now I got into bed. I was starting to fall asleep but now heard my mother getting up to use the bathroom. It's bothersome that this light remains on in the bathroom, because I can see it. Mom now returned to the bed, but now was making some strange noises, like sighs. This must have gone on for over 45 mins., and now I was feeling like I was going to get insomnia. After awhile, she stopped. Now I'm wide awake. So, I thought, shall I stay or should I go from the bedroom? So I went to the living room, and slept on the couch. I only got about 5 hrs. of sleep, if that. I felt I had to tell my sister this, because I was feeling as if this was some kind of a requirement of my sis's, the sleeping in the same bedroom w/mom. I have a long drive to and from mom's, and I'm not willing to drive on little to no sleep. It's one thing to help, but another to be stupid.

The next day, I told my sister about the whole ordeal. But I did tell her too, that if I was going to be watching her, I was going to sleep on the couch. I'm sorry, but this is my choice. I know my sister seems to have the attitude that she wants to prevent, this, that or the other with our mom, like a fall, but how much of this can one do, w/o putting ourselves at risk of some kind of harm!

So this morning my sister calls to tell me that last night mom got up more than 20 times. Obviously, she didn't get any sleep. She works a full time job, so I don't know what is going on in her head!!!
I had to suggest to my sister, that possibly she return to giving mother some of the medication. This must be all part of the control issues my sister has.
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Your story about helping your mom out with the shower was absolutely hilarious!
It really was like an Abbott and Costello routine. HAAH!
You have a great attitude towards all of this, too.
What a great picture, is this your kitty?

Congratulations that your FMLA was approved. I know you will be doing many things, but I hope you do find time to go have some fun with your husband.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Wheretogo~I love your story! What a great memory of your dear grandmother, thank you so much for sharing, I will be chuckling today as I recall this!!!

Humor is so healing iIenjoyed your post sharymarie. I was in my home town visiting my 81 year old parent's. My mother and I went to see my 99.5 year old Grandmother at the care center. I wanted to see her one last time. At this point she is deaf and mostly blind. I leaned in close to talked with her and stroked her face. She was exhausted so the stay wasn't long. I told Mom to wait for me while I went to get the car since she can barley walk. I get in the car and realize I don't have my glasses. I drive around pick up Mom and asked her if she remembers seeing me wearing my glasses when we went in. She said no so I drive a short distance to their home and resume search for my glasses. I am so ready to get out of crazy ville told my parent's that I found them. I went and bought new glasses so I could drive back home. 2 weeks later my grandmother passes away and I am so grateful that she is free of that body and with her loved ones that have already passed away. Three days later my husband our 23 year old son and 21 old daughter are driving to the funeral home for the service. I told our adult children if they didn't want to see her open casket that it wouldn't hurt my feelings they could remember their great grandmother anyway they chose. To my surprise my son went directly to see her because he hates things like this and goes to get his sister. They rushed right back to me and tell me "Mom you have to see this" Their was my grandmother with my lost glasses on. It was just what we needed for such a stressful day.

Sounds like as plan!

Joan~LOL!! I am hoping I can talk my sister into doing it tomorrow, (chuckle, chuckle)...she is taking tomorrow afternoon off so we can work at mom's house.

Must have been a relief to get it. Dealing with your mum's house is no small task. Glad you and hubby will get away a bit together. Also that you will give yourself some time for photography and your computer.

Good luck in getting your house in shape! I have planned that here for several years now. On a good note, I started sorting and clearing some of my stuff in a spare bedroom. Hope your time off goes well. I know it will pass much too quickly. Let us know what happens the next time you try to get your mum to shower. Better tie the dog up!

Joan~Hubby is taking one week in June and we will take some day trips as I am not getting paid. The time can easily be used for all my moms business with the house which is a big part of what I will be doing. I do plan to take some day trips myself to work on photography and get familiar with my Dell computer that I haven't used much. This is a load off my shoulders because yesterday I thought I wasn't going to get it approved as they have me scheduled to work next week and FMLASource had me down as going out for my own health issue. I called them and we got everything corrected and approved. Also....I am hoping to use this time to FINALLY get my house in shape and daughters old room, LOL!! I will not hold my breath but that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

((((((sharyn))))) I am so glad. I am sure you need the time off. I hope you are able to take time for you, and you and hubby, as all your spare time could be taken up with your mum and her business. Do you have any plans?

I am approved for FMLA and go out starting Monday the 27th for 4 weeks.

It was like dealing with a child with ADHD....maybe that is why I have patience, I have experience with that as my son is ADHD. I will tell you one thing for sure...next time, I will bring my own supplies for bathing because she reorganizes daily and where things were located yesterday are surely not there today, LOL!! And Midget, she grabbed those socks and had them unfolded stuffing them under the couch cushions. If the lady who lives next door is in her apartment, she probably thinks I am yelling at my mother because I have to talk twice as loud when mom doesn't have her hearing aids in...

No, they start out cooperative and then become the "problem child." If you know what I mean. At least for now, she's still willing to shower. Hopefully, she will continue to Like showering. That was funny, Sharyn. =)

Sharyn - that is hilarious - like a good comedy skit. I am glad you could laugh and I understand you were exhausted. Hopefully she will be more cooperative next time.

Thank you for sharing that with us-it is good you were able to laugh about -it must be exhausting at the time but time does not mean much to them I use to get scolded by pt's for leaving them for hours when it really was 20 min. clocks in the rooms helped somewhat.

Today was one of those days, and I hope it write this so you all get a laugh out it.
After lunch, mom and me went up to her apartment so she could shower, wash her hair. I put clean clothes out on her bed and was looking for the shampoo....I turn around and mom put the clean clothes away. I explain to her again about taking a shower, washing her hair, clean clothes. I put everything out again, looking for shampoo still. Midget runs into the living room with mom's clean socks...I get them back, mom has put all the clean clothes away again....I find the shampoo, put the clean clothes in the bathroom, start the shower. I tell mom to go in the bathroom, undress and let me know when she has her hair wet and I will hand her the shampoo. She pulls a fast one one and locks the door, LOL!!! I get a butter knife from the kitchen to unlock the door asking her if she is ready for the shampoo...she says, I am washing my hair with this, handing me liquid hand soap,SMH!!!(shaking my head), I give her the body wash telling her to use this to wash her body. By the time I was done, I was so exhausted. I told my husband it was like an Abbott and Costello routine of "Who's On First." He was laughing so hard by the time I finished telling him what happened...I don't know who was causing me more trouble....the dog or my mom, LOL!!!

Austin~Good idea, thanks!! We will have review soon, I know mom is taking Namenda, it's the risperidone that has me concerned.

I would check with them once a month for a list of all you mom's med and what they are for-meant to say meds and ou should be her health care proxy.

sharyn I am so sorry that your mum has shingles. It is a nasty disease. I expect it will be mild considering that she has had the vaccine. I need to get it.

You (and your mum) are having all kinds of adjustments to deal with. I am surprised that they are giving meds to your mum without your knowledge -definitely needs a follow-up. Hope Midget is adjusting too.

Glad you are working things through with your sis

Very sorry to hear about your nephew. So much going on all at once,

Take care ((((((hugs)))) Joan

Cat~She has had the vaccine about 4 years ago or shortly after it became available. He said it probably would have been worse had she not had it. My hubby had shingles when he was in his thirties but it looked different than what my mom has on her face. Hubby's looked like tiny clusters of blisters on his shoulder blade. She never complained it hurt only itched. The only reason I took her to the dr. today was because a nurse told me on Saturday it looked like it was getting infected. I will get the vaccine in another 5 years, Yeah!!

Sharynmarie,

That is strange, the fact that the med tech is the one told your mom, and you she's on a couple of medications you had no knowledge of. Yes, check this out with her doctor.

Oh, your poor mother, Shingles! My brother had this that same month prior to he ending up dehydrated, and in the ER a few weeks back. I looked it up, at that time and found out there is a window time frame where people can take some meds for it. Well, she sounds as if she's in a good place at least where she doesn't have to worry about care. Possibly the move there cause some stress.

My brother apparently wasn't taking care of the Shingles. But I saw him on Mother's Day, and forgot to ask him.

Hope your mom doesn't feel too much pain, and try not to stress yourself out too much about this. You've been doing a lot in the situation.
You're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux