The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Root38,

Ya'll are "emotionally hostage" because you allow yourselves to be. Ya'lls parents are not going to change. Stop dancing their emotional dance.

Root38,

Leave

I’m depressed. Both parents are 90. My mother is amazingly sharp tongued. She has pitted us 3 girls to benifit her needs. Constantly stirring the pot with favoritism. We are held emotionally hostage thru guilt and neediness approval. I’ve always been on the bottom of the pile being the youngest so I’m still treated as if I was 13. My sisters moved them near me. They live 2 hours away. I’ve never had a great relationship with them and never lived anywhere close to them. Now I’m expected to be on call. My father was physically abusive to me all the way up into my 40’s. I have many triggers being with him. We do not get along. My mother expects me to just move past everything and be with him alone on appts etc even tho I tell her I can’t. It’s all overwhelming. If I don’t do as she says I’m lambasted I front of anyone who’s around.

TG- Oh yes. I had a very similar experience to what you described. When my oldest daughter was born, there were some complications, and she had to stay back in the hospital after I was released the following day after giving birth. As a new mother, going home without my baby was devastating for me. I couldn't sleep and was up thinking and worrying about my new born if she was going to pull through.

I had the TV on very late at night and there was an informercial for men hair club. A man was giving a testimony about the hair treatment and how it had 'saved his life.' I wasn't paying much attention but what he said last just jolted me as if it was a message for me. then I felt calm after that. I just knew my baby would be OK.

Days and weeks later, I tried catching that same informercial to see if the man actually said what I heard he said, but there was no testimony from any man saying the treatment saved his life.

TG, signs and portents! (((((Hugs)))))))

Trying,

I am so sorry to hear what you've been experiencing with your parents.
This must be very hard on you. Having to have them bounce between hospitals and rehab is difficult on them also.

It does sound as if maybe you could talk to someone maybe a social worker, or hospice to see what they can advise you.

When my sister who was the main caregiver realized that placing mother or even having the doctors handle some of her issues towards the end of her life, wasn't serving mother, she really made a connection with hospice care. They can be very helpful when it comes to that time an elder just keeps getting weaker and weaker, and possibly going through that cycle between the hospital and rehab might not work for some elders anymore.

I will keep you in my thoughts Trying, I know this isn't an easy time for you!

Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

Golden,

Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it was a good one!

Sounds as if you're kitties are adapting to their new environment.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

Long conversations with my wife last night about her brother. This is not easy to do making end of life decisions for someone. If you don’t believe in higher power and God and signs maybe read this.
 
I have always believed peoples spirit hangs around. When my sister in law was passing we had her in a hospice. The time was near but the nurse said she was not ready to go just yet. Close. It was dinner time, we had been there for 11 days all day every day. I was going to get some take out and the nurse said why not go out, if anything happens I'll call your cell. So we are getting ready to leave and I turn the TV to a music channel, my wife was in the bathroom and the lyrics are "don’t leave, I only have an hour to live", they were as clear as day, my wife heard it too, she never listens to lyrics. I asked my SIL, she was unconscious, "are you trying to tell us something?" We told the nurse, she laughed, "weird things happen around here". We quickly grabbed something to eat and got back to the center, as we were coming in the door we stopped to talk to the people in the room next to hers, the nurse walked by and came right back out, "I was in there a few minutes ago, she just passed"..... 1 hour after we heard the song..... Fast forward to a few nights later, my SIL when she was alive would always call at dinner time to talk with my wife, never failed. So for a few weeks every night at dinner time the phone would ring and no one was on the line. The caller ID was always 000-000-0000. We figured it was her giving us the OK. Lots of little signs happened for a while that we can’t explain.
 
So last night we are discussing if or not to OK my BIL to be in hospice care in the NH he is in. It is a tough decision that the Dr’s want to make or have us make. We called him and he is not with it at all and the nurses agree he is not well. So we are back and forth at dinner about this. The phone rings, I look at the caller ID, most always its been robo calls, DNC, RNC, NRA, Red Cross or some random name. "Good to Go" was the caller ID, I kid you not, I took a photo of it. I dialed the number back, "not in service"........ we were shocked... a sign from my SIL saying it’s OK to do this? I'm getting chills right not just thinking of it. We talk more and came to the conclusion its the right decision but I will confirm more with the Dr’s today. He is bed ridden, lots of issues, it is hard to make this decision being 1800 miles away.
 
So this morning my wife is getting ready for work, she is getting something out of the closet and said, "I guess this is good to go".... I stopped, "what did you just say?" She didn't even realize she said it, just normal talk....

With peoples passing we have seen lots of signs, from glare in photographs at my mothers house where glare bubble was not in the prior picture of the same, to certain random noises late at night that cannot be explained, to things popping up in places they were not before.

So today I will call and get more information, I have been dealing with this NH for 9 years and managing his care as much as you can from far away. This is difficult. And he is not even my brother. This sucks!

Youre a stand up guy, TG! ((((HUGS))))))

Thank BarbBrooklyn, thought id be more clinical with this but is weighing heavy. On the outside I look at the medical aspects but on the inside it is more personal. Not that I have had much of a personal relationship with my BIL (only seen him a dozen times) but I have dealt with his medical care weekly for the past nine years. Not that he has known nor really cared that I am aware of. Someone has had to do it and I stepped up. I think I know more about him than he does.
When he had his stroke, we (wife and I) flew across the country multipule times to manage his care and property. Had to reestablish his imirgation status (born outside the US). Deal weekly with the NH and nurses and his medical care, funding etc. Its been a long road.

I'm so sorry for all your troubles, TG. (((((Hugs)))))))).

Just got off the phone with the NR about starting hospice for the BIL. Tricky as were are not there and have to do everything on the phone. Right now he will stay where he is but if he goes into hospice then he will not have his electric wheel chair that is getting fixed or replaced and other things will change. Medicare and Medicaid is covering all the costs for now.
He is right in between full care and hospice. Not sure how to play this out since we are 1800 miles away.
We can and have the authority to start hospice but not sure we want to do that right now. He are letting him make that decision at this time by letting the NH help him with that decision. He has been back at the NH since Friday and hasn't gotten out of bed yet. Weekend staff let him stay in bed and the nurse said today she let him stay but has to get out tomorrow. Part of the problem is him lying in bed.
He had a stroke 9 years ago full rt side paralysis, his lungs are shot due to smoking and other stuff, 20% heart output since the stroke and heart failure, and abdominal aneurysm and a DVT in his right arm and has a cath. Not in good shape. All the Drs advised hospice. We have him on a DNR since the stroke.
Tough making these decisions, we had to with the SIL with cancer so not much fun doing this again. Again here I am at my desk with a file drawer full of medical information and having to make all the decisions pretty much myself. My wife will help with the decision but pretty much leaves it up to me.
The nurses are great at the NH but not the skills like at the ICU and elementary. My fear is once in hospice he will go down fast.
All this is weighing very heavy on me right now. Dealt with the SIL with cancer and hospice, then moms stroke and passing then moving dad in and been dealing with this for 9 years.

Havent been here in a while. Sent Dad to my siblings for a few weeks. He wasn't happy going although he gets to see his grand kids and great grand kids (one for the first time). I paid for the air ticket. Checked on him, all I got from the sibling was he is OK. Again no communication from siblings. He wasn't happy with no car there.
My wife said after the first week of just us at home that I was very relaxed. Very true, I have been enjoying my quiet time and we were able to go on vacation with no worries about the house. We have enjoyed having out house back, no smell and no cleaning the bathroom every time we want to use it.
He is due back this week. Oh well, at least I got a few weeks.
Now he wants to have his knee done. The last time it was 3 months of hell for me being the nursemaid. I tool him this time he is on his own, I am not making him meals at the rehab facility when he doesn't like the food. Last time I was there every day. This time I will visit once a week, maybe.
In the meantime my BIL is in a NH 1800 miles away, had a bladder issue with te cath and ended up in ICU. With his stroke, lung and heart issues the Drs dont give him great prognosis. Now we are discussing with the doctors request putting him in hospic where he is. Just another issue on the list. Everyday while we were on vacation I had to deal with calls on the BIL.
Even when we get 3 weks to relax another issue pops up.

27 years with no vacation. Am at the end now and though was hard I’m glad I did it. Knackered now though! Still can’t sleep more than 3 hrs at a time as got too used to either work or care meaning I had to get up.

Not doing well at all. Completely burned out after at least 6 years and no vacation. Burned out from being wife, cook, ironer, and house cleaner. Who can afford $20 per hour for respite care? #noendinsite

Gol dang it, now my Dad has sepsis. One day at a time for sure Golden. Thank you for the reminder and thank you for the cute kitty stories please keep them coming...

Happy birthday 🎈🎁🎊🎉🎂 Golden
enjoy a wonderful carefree week

Golden it is good to hear that Rocky is coming around. Having cats myself and wonder do they ever use their teeth for chewing. My sig other's cat Sam is like a hoover vacuum when it comes to something he likes--like treats or food that falls on the floor. Sucks it right up! Lol

Happy belated Birthday🎂🎉

trying as your name says you are doing your best. One day at a time.

glad - it has to be over some time.

Thank you for birthday wishes. Just another day at the "farm". My dgs wants him and his mother to take me out for a meal. I much appreciate that Moving day here. Dd and dgs are going back home, Dd and dgs and I are having some feelings of sadness at parting company. It's been good for all of us. They will come back for visits and maybe some weekends.

Dgd says she wants to stay with me now and bring her stuff over here later today. If she does I have to clearly establish the house rules with her. I think she and her mum still need to be apart most of the time, My life is never boring!!!

The kitties continue to be a little work and a lot of fun. Well worth the trouble. Rocky, the hisser, hasn't hissed in a while and is more cuddly and trusting. He is badly matted and dd has been cutting out the matts. He tolerates it very well. I think he knew she was grooming him. Pumpkin has an amazing view of life, Most of what happens to him is good and he purrs, but don't get between him and his food!!!! He inhales treats at twice the rate that Rocky does.

The truck is here so better go. Take care all. Life begins at 82!!!

Trying, such difficult times. Hang in there and take care of you.

Thank you Barb. Unfortunately my sister has medical POA and both she and my parents are committed to doing everything medically possible to prolong their lives. I am not convinced that all this intervention is even doing that though.

In all fairness sis did have the directive to resuscitate removed in case my Dad has a heart attack. That is a glimmer of sane thinking. For that I am grateful.

Moms directive still states that everything should be done though.

When I brought up hospice the subject was totally dismissed. maybe in time I will bring it up again.

At some point, you need to decide, in concert with your parents and siblings, that there is no "fixing" this stuff anymore.

Talk to their providers about palliative care or hospice.

I just need to share. Mom and Dad have been in and out of hospital/ rehab since May when Mom fell and broke her hip. Since then they have been in for falls(nothing broken these past times)), blood pressure issues, suspicion of pneumonia, coumadin issues and more... . Dad just went from rehab BACK to the hospital because his sodium levels are too high. Meanwhile he has been coughing up blood and bedridden. He is exhausted and goes in and out of being able to focus. Just two days ago my sister said the doctor is fairly sure Dad will get back to his "baseline". I just don't think that is possible but I am not a medical expert.

Mom is doing better than Dad on a physical level but she too has been in and out of the hospital then rehab. Every time she goes in she ends up with hospital psychosis which is a nightmare for all.

Anyway I don't see an end to this cycle, every downturn lands them in the hospital which ends up in rehab. I swear each time they go in they come out worse. We siblings are there as much as possible but we can't be there 24/7.

Is this revolving door in and out of hospitals best practice?

Unfortunately, all persons on Medicare/Medicaid are prohibited from using manufacturer drug copay reduction cards. It was part of the government gift to insurance companies. That the elderly would pay more than the working public. There are sometimes other income-based drug company assist programs, which I check when I run up against this. Until people are on Medicare, most people don’t know we have to pay a whole lot more than those under 65. A form of government sanctioned genocide against the elderly.

Girlsailor, many of the drug companies have offers to help you get your meds affordably, maybe ask his Dr? My hubs shots of Tremfaya (sp) cost about $10.ooo. No lie, even with my good insurance I can't afford that! Who can? He gets them for the cost of the dr apt.. some lovely study I am glad someone is doing! Even the cheaper shots for his skin condition are $7,000, and my insurance will pay that.. but why ask when I can get them Free.. Ask the Dr or pharmacist.. they can be very helpful

Happy birthday Golden!!

Happy birthday Golden!! Hope you are having a wonderful day, doing something nice for you! :)

Happy Birthday Golden!

Well, I made it through all the pre-op tests and joint replacement class at the hospital yesterday. It took 5 1/2 hours! Today I am nauseous, think it’s remnant of the flu shot I stupidly chose to receive two days ago. Cleared with the OS to get flu shot prior to hip replacement, he says absolutely, given my lung disease, and best to have antibodies built up prior to the surgery. See the pulmy next week, probably will order PFTs, especially since I’m having surgery. Then next Friday I have the CAT scan and cystoscopy. If it doesn’t get me cleared for the hip replacement, maybe all the pre-op stuff I just had will clear me for the next cystoscopy under anesthesia. Not wishing it, but, hey, nothing is easy as we age.
Didn’t even tell the hubs I feel lousy from the flu shot, as he’s so anti-anything medical, I just didn’t want the lecture today.
Had roofer here yesterday to assess slight leak (hubs was home to meet him), he will fix. Just did the whole roof coating a year ago, almost flat roof with the high tech coating. And had plumber here to rebuild old leaky toilet today, which I fear is going to give me a heart attack when I get the next water bill. It started running real bad a few weeks ago, but I’ve just been a wee bit preoccupied here! I keep telling hubs I can’t pay for more than one repair per month, but he’s really a master at the pressure thing. And with all the medical stuff, it’s hard for me to do everything here, being sick myself. Internist sent over referral for podiatrist for me, waiting to hear from them.

In addition to arranging and supervising plumbing issue today, I spent most of the day online, researching affordable inhaler for spouse’s Emphysema. Inhaler prices in the US are ridiculous. With GoodRX coupon, Symbicort is $331/month if you use two puffs per day, not the manufacturer’s recommended 2 puffs 2 times per day. My online lung group suggested a drug importer most all of them use, as most people with lung disease are elderly or cannot work, can’t afford the medicines. My other drug importer company I’ve used previously couldn’t assist with better price. But AllDayChemist has generic Symbicort. The dosages don’t match exactly, so I put the closest ones in an online shopping cart, screen shorted it, and will have hubs ask his pulmy which one would be suitable at his next appointment. I have a doctor appointment the same day, so hubs will have to put on the big boy britches and handle it himself. We shall see.

You all try and stay well. And delegate as much as you are able. Why not? Everybody else does!

Golden, A little birdie 🐥 told me that it is your Birthday today, So HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 🌺🌻🌼🌷!!! I hope that you are doing something fun, or are just kicking back and enjoying it! 🤙🤙🤙🎂🎂🎂🥂🍹🍻!!!

I love hearing about your kitty adventures! 🐹🐱🐾 It is great fun having "young life" in the home, it just makes life interesting watching their new discoveries every day! As much as I Love my little Charlie 🐶, she will be my last pet ever. I just can't imagine life without her, or even think about her demise, which shouldn't even be a thought for years to come. They are a lot of work, but they certainly do get a stranglehold on your heart!

Have a Great Day Friend! ❤❤❤

Frustrated! Closing trust still in works. Trust requires semi-annual reports to beneficiaries. Was never done until attorney for ts2 became involved. Then two years at once prepared by attorney, yet there are charges from mom's (and twisteds) cpa, as recently as February this year. What was that fee for? Will not know unless those reports are provided.

Today attorney emails me to say that I am not qualified to receive reports prior to mom's death. I KNOW that! Emailed back reminded her that there are CPA charges since mom's death, that I am qualified to receive those. Then threatens me that if I file an unfounded objection she will file a motion to have all attorney fees charges to me. Not at all unfounded, I don't think. Just that ts2 did not provide reports as required she would not be found to be entitled to those fees she wants to charge the estate for her lack of management in compliance with the trust.

And L left mom money, not a huge amount. Asked about those funds. Was told that twisteds had declined that gift to provide money for his great grands 😍😍😍. Tugging at my guilt. Argh! I did not authorise my gift to L's grands, wasn't even told about it. I knew about it since I took L to revise his will. Twisteds figured I had no idea.

So, dysfunction continues and will never end. SICK of it!