
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
If you can, get the vaccine.
Last night when sis and I went back to mom's apartment, the med tech came up to give mom her meds for the night. Mom always questions them what they are giving her and why, the med tech told mom the medicine was Namenda and risperidone. I was shocked because we were not informed as we have DPOA so why is mom being given this and why??? I have to make appt. tomorrow for mom and will discuss this with her dr.
I have been feeling down because my hubby's family also had a function today for my fil's 80th birthday. I was going to go from 2-3 but hubby said no, just go to the memorial at 3. I know that going from 2-3 would be the same as slighting my fil but I really wanted to go and we had not heard about anything for "C" because there was the problem between my sil and her dil. Have a good night all!!
I have talked to people who know about this. I'm hearing more and more, with this kind of a sneaky person (SIL) she's a narcissist. So she camoflages any and all negative remarks about our brother, when done in the presence of the family.. I've been advised that with this kind of a person, one has to stop them dead in their tracks. So this means that I really should wait until she's making a statement, and then tell her, but not tell her off. One doesn't have to lose their cool to be assertive.
Besides, I think this deflects from the real message anyone is trying to send.
Thank you again, though because your last paragraph, this is something of the sort of what I intend to say.
But how are you doing these days, with your dad?
I hope all is well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
When my SILs used to complain about my brothers, I told them the truth with a very serious face, "You knew how he was before you married him." That usually stops the complaining. I may be the neutral one in the family but my mouth can be very straightforward when pushed.
Thanks so much for the hug.
I am trying to come to grips with this SIL and boundaries. I have never ever in their 24 yr. marriage had any kind of fight, or words with her. Her comments as I've said are constant putting my brother down, in a very personal way. If this is considered venting, then I don't want to hear this from her. I feel that by saying this kind of thing about my brother she's like a hair away, then from someone like me his eldest sister to start having an opinion and I'd just rather not go there. But this can only happen if she keeps her trap shut. If I tell her and I will when the time is right in a polite as possible manner that I do not want to hear any of this anymore. She is opening herself up to criticism for my way of thinking. Besides, what makes her think it is okay, to do this? By saying this to her, I'm creating the boundary, from her constant complaints. Right now, it's pointing too much in the direction of non-support towards her own husband because he lost his job two weeks ago. He's having a hard time with this already, so this isn't the time to try to do in his self esteem. This too has been the problem with her for too long,
someone not putting her in her place. But thank you for the ideas. Margeaux
I'm glad that it sounds like your Mom is happy where she's at overall & has gained weight (also glad to hear that you & sis are learning the art of comprimise, & figuring out that sometimes worrying about "insigificant" things like the clock is sometimes avoidance of admiting scarier problems. Pantsuits when she is there, whatever she is already wearing when you are there--cool.
For Midget - . they do have pet doors that fasten in the frame of sliding glass doors, then the door just slides against it (top glass/plastic, bottom flap). Could solve the "lock-out" problem.
Incontinent does NOT mean dementia, so I'm kind of puzzled that those two are being linked.
It DOES sounds like your Mom may need a bit more care than she's getting (and NOT getting what was promised -- is your Mom being billed extra for doggie care?). "Cueing" for a bath is not the same as "assisting" or "making sure" she gets a bath. Is she getting meds for sure, or are they just "cueing" for those as well? Meals?
I think sometimes families and facilities may overestimate senior's abilities Families might be overly optimistic or don't realize how much they are already doing for their senior, facilities have only the family's opinion to go on & might be incined to err on the low side to "get 'em in the door".
They do make doggie igloos for small dogs -- they are cute, waterproof, and make a nice little den for small dogs. combined with the doggie flap door, and the pee patch Midget could have a nice life, and settle down happily. To bad there isn't someone around there (another resident, mentally together) who could take on the task of dog-walking.
ps -- If the grass patch isn't working "Puppy pads" are fast and easy to toss - 3 second clean-up. Midget is already peeing indoors out of desperation, so it may be pretty easy to train her.
Sharyn, your mom's gaining, no wet bed, the evidence shows you are right. Only problem to solve is Midget.
The SIL, had texted my sister end of last week with a text that said, "Your brother is driving me nuts." So my sister brought this topic up again to me. To be quite honest, I don't understand why my sister got rather caught up texting w/SIL.
They don't have an amiable relationship to begin with. So my sister kept talking about the negative text; her reply, etc. My sister is claiming that she desires to create a lot of distance between she and the SIL. She also said, that she wishes that the SIL would refrain from texting. To this, I said, "Well maybe what you ought to do, is completely stop. Don't even reply to her texts. But w/my sister, she likes to play a passive aggressive role in this. She gets angered annoyed at the texts, and instead of taking a stand of just not texting, she plays this cat and mouse game w/the SIL. I'm going to say it, "I think my sister is stupid."
My sister has even said because of the so called distance she says she has created between she and the SIL, that SIL is definitely feeling her wrath. Is this controlling language by my sister, or what? I had a good private laugh about that one. Margeaux
How great that you do some volunteer work. But I definitely understand that you want to be there w/o the critiques. It's good to hear you have good friends there,
and this wonderful man. Enjoy!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I was wondering, if your mom suffers from incontinence, will this be some kind of pre-requisite to get her into the Memory Care Unit, faster? If so, and I only say this because you've said that your sister sounds eager to accomplish this. Maybe it's her way of manipulating this, and it does sound strange since you're the one changing the bed sheets, washing clothes and no evidence. Just an idea.
Poodles are high strung. The doggie I'm sure is going through her own adjustment to an unfamiliar environment. I hope you can figure out this incontinence issue.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Book~My mom is living on assisted living side, I don't know if they would assist her in bathing on that side but we will find out when we have the 30day review. It may cost more and sis probably won't want to pay more and if it turns out mom is starting have incontinent issues, she would not be able to stay on the AL side. Right now they have no room in the memory care unit for mom to live there. I feel mom is not as advanced as some of the residents in memory care and am concerned that if she is living there, she will advance faster. We don't have care homes that are set up for dementia care. Yes, placing a parent does not take your responsibilities away unless you just don't visit them. I don't think they are neglecting my mom, they are going by what is in her care plan for the first 30 days and that is to give mom reminders to bathe. Sis thinks mom is washing herself out of the bathroom sink (sponge bathing). My sister wants mom living in the memory care unit ASAP because it is cheaper so I don't know if sis is rushing things. We will have to tell them that mom needs assistance bathing and we will have to make sure mom takes a shower when we visit until the review.
Please understand I am not trying to make my sister out to look bad. We see things differently. We argued last night because sis insists mom is wetting the bed. I told her no she isn't, I stripped the bed down on Saturday and the mattress is not stained or wet. She said because mom has a rubber pad on the bed. Again, I said no she doesn't, there was no pad on the bed Saturday. Sis said it was there the day we moved her. The issue with the clock was just too ridiculous for me to handle. Then she said she is going to bring over a couple pantsuits for mom to wear when we eat in the dining hall on AL side because everyone else is dressed up. I don't see that as being important and I am not going to change mom into a pantsuit to eat, sis can if she wants to. We agreed to disagree because we see things differently. I am going to PetSmart to see if they have something for the dog such as a grass patch. It is sprinkling now and I don't want that dog stuck out on the balcony in the rain all day, she is a little dog, just 13lbs. about the size of a cat. Mom is getting 3 meals a day, she has put on a couple lbs. already. Book, I work a swing shift, don't get off until 9-9:30 at night.
Sharyn, I’m glad that you finally spoke up. Your sis kept pushing and pushing. She finally pushed you too far. I’m waiting for that stage when oldest sis pushes me too far. Then I’ll speak my mind. You do know that your mom is progressively getting worse. If you look at the ratio of the employees vs. the clients, I don’t think your mom will get the hands-on assistance that you want. If you want that kind of place, you may need to look for a much smaller community. You know how regular supermarkets don’t really have that personal touch. But, if you go to the small mom & pops store, they’re much friendlier and talkative. The same with AL. The bigger the place, the less personal touch/help. I think that’s why you read over and over from the different posters here on AC who said that when their parent went into AL or NH, it was just as much work as if they were at home. I’ve read of some people paying for someone to go visit daily their parent to do whatever extra service that AL does not provide. I guess you will really know when you’re on FMLA.
As for Midget, is she small enough to use permanently a dog’s litter box? You can train her. And maybe swing by on the way home and empty the mess at the same time ensure that your mom atleast have one very good meal a day.