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FYI: Medicare will cover the shingles vaccine. I'm holding out for one more year so I won't have to pay the $200.00 plus cost for it. If I end up with it before the year is over, kick me for being a tight wad. Never mind, I'll kick myself.

If you can, get the vaccine.
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mom has shingles, but too late to give medicine since it's past 72 hours...thought it was a cold sore on her chin. Dr. said she is not taking risperidone so maybe I misunderstood but will be listening and watching closely.
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Austin~Yes, Midget gets lots of attention, only she is not allowed to stay in the memory care unit all day. I have taken her in there to share with other residents, mom loves it when Midget gets attention too. They have a resident dog named Leo...he is a big dog and much older. I really believe they are doing everything they can so the situation is workable.

Last night when sis and I went back to mom's apartment, the med tech came up to give mom her meds for the night. Mom always questions them what they are giving her and why, the med tech told mom the medicine was Namenda and risperidone. I was shocked because we were not informed as we have DPOA so why is mom being given this and why??? I have to make appt. tomorrow for mom and will discuss this with her dr.
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Shary I have seen Freddie the dog whose owner lives across the hall from my firend to be a friend magnet-I do not know the ladies name but everyone knows Freddie and he get much love even from the residents who are confused at times-when his owner is away everyone misses Freddie.
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Oh, I forget to tell you all a funny moment with mom today...after bathing, I blow dried her hair, asking her how do you like it? She said I like it, but I don't like how grey my hair is, it was never this grey before!! LOL!!
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Today was busy...had lunch with mom but I went early so I get mom a shower, wash her hair. Sis met us at the community. We visited with her, walked the dog and left around 2:30 to go the "C's" memorial service. It was an open house gathering since sil's family is not religious. He is being cremated not until the 21st because the crematory is down for repairs. Apparently, sil had a struggle getting "C's" wife to agree to the memorial because "C" did not want it, but sil felt it was not fair for family and friends to not be able to memorialize him. Family members wrote a memorial and they were placed around on all the tables and guest were encouraged to share their memories of "C". Each table had a centerpiece that represented what "C" loved to spend time doing. The things he enjoyed involved activities with he shared with the family. It was very nice how my sil arranged it. After the memorial, sis and I went to mom's house, picked up a few things to take over to mom's apartment including some tweezers, so I plucked mom's chin as it was looking like a rainforest, LOL!!!
I have been feeling down because my hubby's family also had a function today for my fil's 80th birthday. I was going to go from 2-3 but hubby said no, just go to the memorial at 3. I know that going from 2-3 would be the same as slighting my fil but I really wanted to go and we had not heard about anything for "C" because there was the problem between my sil and her dil. Have a good night all!!
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I'm fine Margeaux. We still clashing. I keep forgetting to do the Teepa way with him. Doesn't help when he keeps muttering and muttering. And then when I ask him what, he complains. But atleast it stops the muttering. He's getting lazier. Either that, or his gaining weight is making it difficult for him to do things like before.
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Bookluvr,

I have talked to people who know about this. I'm hearing more and more, with this kind of a sneaky person (SIL) she's a narcissist. So she camoflages any and all negative remarks about our brother, when done in the presence of the family.. I've been advised that with this kind of a person, one has to stop them dead in their tracks. So this means that I really should wait until she's making a statement, and then tell her, but not tell her off. One doesn't have to lose their cool to be assertive.
Besides, I think this deflects from the real message anyone is trying to send.

Thank you again, though because your last paragraph, this is something of the sort of what I intend to say.

But how are you doing these days, with your dad?
I hope all is well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux, you can set limits..even if it's on the phone. But, it's best to do it when in person and between the two of you. Or with brother there - but he may not like it. I don't know your brother enough to have an idea. I do know that if I mentioned this in front of my brothers they will automatically defend their wife. But if you politely tell off your SIL, she might give a slanted version of what you said to your brother. But, I definitely would Not say anything with sis around. You will be opening a door, and sis will gladly fling it open as "open season" to get stuff off her chest.

When my SILs used to complain about my brothers, I told them the truth with a very serious face, "You knew how he was before you married him." That usually stops the complaining. I may be the neutral one in the family but my mouth can be very straightforward when pushed.
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Brandy~This paints a different picture than what I was thinking. Here you are taking care of your husband with dementia while your mother has dementia and is in a facility. You can't go to see your mother like you would like to because of your disability and your husbands care. How hard this must be for you being pulled in two directions and sister is criticizing your life. Does she expect you to help her more or be there more for your mom? My heart breaks for you as this must be very hard on you emotionally. Hugs to you!!
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Sharyn, Mom is in a NH,150 miles away from me. She has POA and takes good care of Mom. She goes there a lot. I am disabled and not able to go there to see Mom a lot. My husband has dementia as well as Mom. They are both a handful. Honestly I think sis has it too.
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Bookluvr,

Thanks so much for the hug.
I am trying to come to grips with this SIL and boundaries. I have never ever in their 24 yr. marriage had any kind of fight, or words with her. Her comments as I've said are constant putting my brother down, in a very personal way. If this is considered venting, then I don't want to hear this from her. I feel that by saying this kind of thing about my brother she's like a hair away, then from someone like me his eldest sister to start having an opinion and I'd just rather not go there. But this can only happen if she keeps her trap shut. If I tell her and I will when the time is right in a polite as possible manner that I do not want to hear any of this anymore. She is opening herself up to criticism for my way of thinking. Besides, what makes her think it is okay, to do this? By saying this to her, I'm creating the boundary, from her constant complaints. Right now, it's pointing too much in the direction of non-support towards her own husband because he lost his job two weeks ago. He's having a hard time with this already, so this isn't the time to try to do in his self esteem. This too has been the problem with her for too long,
someone not putting her in her place. But thank you for the ideas. Margeaux
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horserider~we had to put down a $250 deposit on the dog, probably a cleaning deposit.
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Brandywine~It sounds like your sister has a personality disorder. I would set boundaries around your relationship by determining what you will and will accept from her about her comments regarding your life. Stick to the boundaries, limit contact with her. Just email her, I don't know your mom's situation such as does she live with your sister? Will your sister allow you to visit and take mom out of the house so can have one to one time with her? Is she in a facility? If so, as long as sis is not preventing you from visiting, then go visit when your sister is not there. I did that with my dad when he was in a NH because I didn't want to be there when mom was there, the visit became all about mom not dad. Are you concerned with how your sister is taking care of your mom? Please come back and share, I know this is a lot a questions to ask of you but I am trying to get a clear picture of what is going on. My sister and I got into an arguing match on the phone the other night and I realized that in my case, I was not respecting how my sister was dealing emotionally with the situation with my mom. We were able to work it out. I know you have been having ongoing problems with your sis but I am not knowledgeable about the situation enough to have a clear idea what all is going on. Hugs to you!!
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Sharyn, Yes we see things differently. According to her, she is right, I am wrong, wrong, wrong. According to her, I am wrong about everything. She won't listen to reason, and is always right. She has POA and it has gone to her head. I am wrong about our mother and everything else. I married the wrong man, I shouldn't be going to AA, I am the wrong religion, I live in the wrong neighborhood, my kids are wrong, my decisions are wrong, my approach to life is wrong, my hair is wrong, my friends are wrong, according to her. So yes a dysfunctional person is she.
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Horserider~The community and a nurse from mom's LTC policy evaluated my mom as being able to live in assisted living because she is still somewhat independent. Mom has Alzheimer's and is mentally incapacitated. The aides are doing what they have been advised to do according to mom's care plan. We do have to make adjustments to her care plan. They are suppose to walk her every 2 hours, whether they actually are, I don't know, however, they said my mom could have the dog there as long as she was able to take of it...read between the lines is my thoughts. Thank you for suggesting the doggie door attachment to the sliding glass door, that will be the next thing I buy. I do not believe they are neglecting my mom because they are to give mom reminders and when she lived at home, that is all I had to do. Now that she is in a different environment, a reminder is probably not going to be enough...part of it is because mom never took showers, she only took baths...that is what she raised doing and she never would change. Really, all we have to do when we have the review coming up soon, is tell them that they will have to assist her showering....hand her the shampoo, then conditioner, them the shower gel, they won't have to actually bathe her. I expected mom the decline some when we moved her and apparently she has. My sis said mom told her she wet her pants because she forgot. Incontinence may be beginning but she is not wetting the bed. And Yes, I am glad sis and are able to respect each other's differences which I admit I was not respecting her need to have a replica of mom's house in the apartment. I will be more careful of sis's need that mom looks dressed up, but like I said, I am not going to change her to a pantsuit when I dine with mom. We like working together because sis will bring up things I don't about and visa versa so we both feel that working together is giving mom the best care possible. I am more causal and sis is more formal in following some things like not wearing white after labor day. Today I bought a Kong chew that I can freeze with treats so Midget has to work to get the treats, a couple other things plus a hormone spray to encourage her to use the patch. I am thinking because poodles are high strung, that she is having some anxiety because she has never been left alone for hours that may be contributing to her peeing in the apartment. Thank you for the idea of the doggie door...keep the suggestions coming, I hate for mom to lose the dog since she is a life line for my mom...it would just devastate her to lose her Midget. Hugs!!
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SharynMarie,
I'm glad that it sounds like your Mom is happy where she's at overall & has gained weight (also glad to hear that you & sis are learning the art of comprimise, & figuring out that sometimes worrying about "insigificant" things like the clock is sometimes avoidance of admiting scarier problems. Pantsuits when she is there, whatever she is already wearing when you are there--cool.
For Midget - . they do have pet doors that fasten in the frame of sliding glass doors, then the door just slides against it (top glass/plastic, bottom flap). Could solve the "lock-out" problem.
Incontinent does NOT mean dementia, so I'm kind of puzzled that those two are being linked.
It DOES sounds like your Mom may need a bit more care than she's getting (and NOT getting what was promised -- is your Mom being billed extra for doggie care?). "Cueing" for a bath is not the same as "assisting" or "making sure" she gets a bath. Is she getting meds for sure, or are they just "cueing" for those as well? Meals?
I think sometimes families and facilities may overestimate senior's abilities Families might be overly optimistic or don't realize how much they are already doing for their senior, facilities have only the family's opinion to go on & might be incined to err on the low side to "get 'em in the door".

They do make doggie igloos for small dogs -- they are cute, waterproof, and make a nice little den for small dogs. combined with the doggie flap door, and the pee patch Midget could have a nice life, and settle down happily. To bad there isn't someone around there (another resident, mentally together) who could take on the task of dog-walking.

ps -- If the grass patch isn't working "Puppy pads" are fast and easy to toss - 3 second clean-up. Midget is already peeing indoors out of desperation, so it may be pretty easy to train her.
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Book~Thank you for the idea of the potty patch, I hope it works. I am also going to get a couple Kong toys that you put treats in freeze it and the dog has to lick and lick to get the treats. It will keep her busy and reduce her anxiety.
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Brandy~so sorry you going thru this as keeping communication open is so important. My sis and I disagree a lot about mom's care. Sometimes we yell at each other on the phone like we did last night, LOL!! When accusations come in it is hard. Maybe you can approach your sister with the fact that you both see things differently and it doesn't mean you are right and your sister is wrong or visa versa. Hugs!!
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Yes, we certainly have a dysfunctional family. Sister won't speak to me. Accuses me of stuff that is untrue.
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Margeaux - from experience - best to let your brother & SIL live their own lives. I know that telling your sis is futile. If you were married, you would resent your husband's sisters from meddling with your marriage. I think the best thing to do is just be supportive with bro. Maybe one day, he will surprise you all and finally put his foot down in his household. Yes, that might never happen. My 2 younger sisters had a disharmony relationship with oldest bro's wife. I have always been the neutral one in the family. Sis didn't show their dislike, etc... Finally, they had a blow out when SIL told us that we should lock our mom in the bedroom. Bro came out of the bedroom and ordered us out of his house. He didn't give a damn that his wife just told us to lock our mom in the bedroom. We left. Since then, we knew our boundaries. We knew where our brother's loyalty belongs. We knew that he didn't care about parents. Your brother is an adult. Best to back off...yeah, I can see your sister doing That! (sarcasm)

Sharyn, your mom's gaining, no wet bed, the evidence shows you are right. Only problem to solve is Midget.
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We posted at the same time. I am glad you had a good laugh at your sister. It does sound like your sister likes getting texted by the sil but she knows the sil is wrong in texting her so she is playing with her.
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Margeaux~I am sure my sis is looking for signs but there are no openings in memory care for living however mom will get first choice when one becomes available because she lives at the community. My sis looked for signs when mom was still home that indicated mom could not take care of herself under the guidelines of the ADL's (activities of daily living) she was rushing it by wanting to say that mom was incontinent because she used poise pads. We talked about it and I discovered that sis uses them from time to time too, so does that mean you are incontinent too? She backed down then. I am not saying my sis is a bad person who is only concerned about the money and not mom, but she is frugal like mom (that can be a good thing). I just don't want mom living in the memory care unit until it is really necessary because they do leave the doors open to their apartments and residents will wander in and out because they have dementia, those filters of privacy are gone. As long as mom has her private space, she can go back to her apartment and organize and reorganize, it keeps her mind working but sis sees it different and it really bothers her that mom won't sit down and visit with her. It's because sis wants the warm ,fuzzy that mom could never give and she can't get her mind around the fact that mom is never going to be warm and fuzzy. She wants to be mothered, she wants one on one attention this is why she won't use the computer to instant message family on facebook. I understand her thinking but at the same time you have to adapt to the world you live in and sis misses out on opportunities to connect with her grandchildren on facebook. They weren't taught to call her on the phone so you have to get time when and where you can...that is how I see it...not saying I am right and sis is wrong. Yes poodles are high energy dogs...I believe they were bred for hunting. They are very intelligent, can easily be trained with consistency. I told them at the community this morning, that she is not going to go potty on the balcony as long as her food and bedding is there. I know their main concern is my mom's care not the dog so I can't fault them. The first 30 days really determines how your loved one is thriving and to work out the kinks in mom's care plan. Mom has already gained some weight, she is referring to her apartment as home. Now if we can get the dog to transition all will be good as long as I can stall sis on moving mom into memory care before she is ready. Hugs to you and thank you for responding.
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I was at mom's on Mother's Day relieving my sister who lives w/her. After my sister returned, we talked about our brother's. I've written about our youngest brother who just lost a job, and has a difficult wife who doesn't seem to be emotionally supportive of him in his recent unemployment.

The SIL, had texted my sister end of last week with a text that said, "Your brother is driving me nuts." So my sister brought this topic up again to me. To be quite honest, I don't understand why my sister got rather caught up texting w/SIL.
They don't have an amiable relationship to begin with. So my sister kept talking about the negative text; her reply, etc. My sister is claiming that she desires to create a lot of distance between she and the SIL. She also said, that she wishes that the SIL would refrain from texting. To this, I said, "Well maybe what you ought to do, is completely stop. Don't even reply to her texts. But w/my sister, she likes to play a passive aggressive role in this. She gets angered annoyed at the texts, and instead of taking a stand of just not texting, she plays this cat and mouse game w/the SIL. I'm going to say it, "I think my sister is stupid."
My sister has even said because of the so called distance she says she has created between she and the SIL, that SIL is definitely feeling her wrath. Is this controlling language by my sister, or what? I had a good private laugh about that one. Margeaux
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Austin,

How great that you do some volunteer work. But I definitely understand that you want to be there w/o the critiques. It's good to hear you have good friends there,
and this wonderful man. Enjoy!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

I was wondering, if your mom suffers from incontinence, will this be some kind of pre-requisite to get her into the Memory Care Unit, faster? If so, and I only say this because you've said that your sister sounds eager to accomplish this. Maybe it's her way of manipulating this, and it does sound strange since you're the one changing the bed sheets, washing clothes and no evidence. Just an idea.

Poodles are high strung. The doggie I'm sure is going through her own adjustment to an unfamiliar environment. I hope you can figure out this incontinence issue.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Ok, I bought a potty patch. Poodles are very smart but living with my mom with Alzheimer's will make it hard to train Midget because of lack of consistency. When I picked up Midget, they told me they are walking her (I didn't ask) and they left the sliding glass door open today so Midget can go in and out. I was glad she was not left out in the rain. The problem is that poodles are very high strung, lots of energy, and she is not used to being left alone all day so I think anxiety is part of what is going on. When we have the review, I want to arrange so my mom can come back to her apartment around 1pm and stay there until 3pm. then go back to memory care until 6pm.
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Cattails~Thank you!!

Book~My mom is living on assisted living side, I don't know if they would assist her in bathing on that side but we will find out when we have the 30day review. It may cost more and sis probably won't want to pay more and if it turns out mom is starting have incontinent issues, she would not be able to stay on the AL side. Right now they have no room in the memory care unit for mom to live there. I feel mom is not as advanced as some of the residents in memory care and am concerned that if she is living there, she will advance faster. We don't have care homes that are set up for dementia care. Yes, placing a parent does not take your responsibilities away unless you just don't visit them. I don't think they are neglecting my mom, they are going by what is in her care plan for the first 30 days and that is to give mom reminders to bathe. Sis thinks mom is washing herself out of the bathroom sink (sponge bathing). My sister wants mom living in the memory care unit ASAP because it is cheaper so I don't know if sis is rushing things. We will have to tell them that mom needs assistance bathing and we will have to make sure mom takes a shower when we visit until the review.

Please understand I am not trying to make my sister out to look bad. We see things differently. We argued last night because sis insists mom is wetting the bed. I told her no she isn't, I stripped the bed down on Saturday and the mattress is not stained or wet. She said because mom has a rubber pad on the bed. Again, I said no she doesn't, there was no pad on the bed Saturday. Sis said it was there the day we moved her. The issue with the clock was just too ridiculous for me to handle. Then she said she is going to bring over a couple pantsuits for mom to wear when we eat in the dining hall on AL side because everyone else is dressed up. I don't see that as being important and I am not going to change mom into a pantsuit to eat, sis can if she wants to. We agreed to disagree because we see things differently. I am going to PetSmart to see if they have something for the dog such as a grass patch. It is sprinkling now and I don't want that dog stuck out on the balcony in the rain all day, she is a little dog, just 13lbs. about the size of a cat. Mom is getting 3 meals a day, she has put on a couple lbs. already. Book, I work a swing shift, don't get off until 9-9:30 at night.
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Hi Marylee58. If you did your best to get close to your father and he has no desire (or prefers your sibling), then so be it. You tried. Now, it’s time to move on. Remember, if he ever needs your help in the future, you can remind to go to his favorite child (does he have one?) Or that due to childhood trauma, you cannot in good conscience care for him personally. But you are willing to find an Assisted Living residence for him. I, too, hope there is enough money for them.

Sharyn, I’m glad that you finally spoke up. Your sis kept pushing and pushing. She finally pushed you too far. I’m waiting for that stage when oldest sis pushes me too far. Then I’ll speak my mind. You do know that your mom is progressively getting worse. If you look at the ratio of the employees vs. the clients, I don’t think your mom will get the hands-on assistance that you want. If you want that kind of place, you may need to look for a much smaller community. You know how regular supermarkets don’t really have that personal touch. But, if you go to the small mom & pops store, they’re much friendlier and talkative. The same with AL. The bigger the place, the less personal touch/help. I think that’s why you read over and over from the different posters here on AC who said that when their parent went into AL or NH, it was just as much work as if they were at home. I’ve read of some people paying for someone to go visit daily their parent to do whatever extra service that AL does not provide. I guess you will really know when you’re on FMLA.

As for Midget, is she small enough to use permanently a dog’s litter box? You can train her. And maybe swing by on the way home and empty the mess at the same time ensure that your mom atleast have one very good meal a day.
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Sharyn: My heart goes out to you. Just wanted you to know. Cat.
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