The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My brothers step son bust passed. Prayers for my brother.ail and family please.

Bonnie~LOL!! Your friend regarding the flight...I can be literal at times...I still struggle with reading between the lines, thank you for explaining.
My mom's dr.. who is my dr. too, has been great through all this. I must admit, during 2012, I had my issues with him because I and my sis felt he was straddling the fence too much, but it was because we were trying to move too fast in protecting mom and helping her when she wasn't progressed enough for us to be able to use our DPOA's as it was written by the attorney. Once I realized that and once I stopped reacting to my mom as though her combativeness was because of her personality disorder and I started treating everything with her as though it was dementia related, my relationship with my mother changed and so did my relationship with my/mom's dr.
I have thought about the empty nest syndrome as well. Yes, I have two children, a son who is married age 33, a daughter who is married age 28 (4-1/2 years apart). I had a hard time when my children left because my daughter, the first to move so far away (she lives in Idaho) and then my son moved to SoCal. I experience great loss with both moving so far from home. At the same time, I was happy that hubby and I had the house to ourselves again and we were venturing out in different areas, such as I started to develop a hobby in photography, we were spending time together again as a couple. So all was not a loss without children in the house. My mom was diagnosed with dementia in late 2009, so everything continued as it was because mom having a personality disorder, (she was in very early stages of dementia in January of 2010), was just impossible to be around still. So I continued to limit my contact with her. I say she was in very early stages because I recognized what was going on with mom early because my dad had Alzheimer's too and passed in 2003, (this is why I applied for a LTC policy since both parents and 3 of my mom's sibs had it who lived into their 80's). During 2010-2011 mom's personality disorder still caused much drama and turmoil in our lives and you don't know how many times I wanted to resign my duties to my mother on her DPOA because of it.In 2012, mom started a kitchen fire by melting Vicks Vapor Rub in a pan on the stove because she was congested. She was able to put the fire out quickly with limited damage to the range vent. I continue to watch her from a distance because she was still very combative and troublesome within the family. In Oct. of 2012, hubby and I went to Idaho to visit our daughter, every time I went somewhere for a week, mom would go off the deep end giving my sister hell, about how I was abandoning her. I kept in touch with mom during week, and on Friday, the day before hubby and I were coming home, I called mom. She said she was not feeling well, had fallen twice, was dizzy,etc. So I called my sis immediately...she of course was not happy because mom didn't say a word to her about this. Mom is closer to me. Sis drove the 45 min. to mom's, and stayed the night with her. Mom had fallen, cut her nose and her toes with the fall. Sis got mom some food and water (mom refused to use A/C) sis said she was fine on Saturday and we figured mom was probably dehydrated. After that, I became more vigilant with mom so my attachment started to develop again as I realized she needed more help than she was letting on. I know this is another long winded post, but I wanted to share this with you to explain that what I am feeling with my mom is different than empty nest syndrome...it's an overall loss of my family of origin because my eldest brother, by his choice, is estranged from all of us because of the abuse, my second eldest brother has health issues plus dealing with his step son;s cancer, my sister, the third eldest, has health issues and emotional trauma from our childhood and 2 abusive marriages plus issues from a 15 year relationship with a man who ended up being a paranoid schizophrenic.Sis's choices in men has not been the best. My second eldest brother and me take after our father in personality, we are emotional, more tender hearted and we are the 2 that mom made her as her surrogate spouse...meaning we protected mom against dad without realizing mom was the problem not dad. I have had therapy to help me with this, my brother has not. I suspect my eldest brother has the personality disorder like mom and is most likely an alcoholic like dad. My sis is 5 years sober. Her health has suffered as a result...a type 2 diabetic, undiagnosed for at least 10 years so she is considered stage 4 of 5 stages. I, being the youngest of 4 has suffered severe depression, I have difficulties with relationships outside the family because I don't read other people right and am too trusting then I get hurt easily. I have had trouble with maintaining jobs due to low self-esteem and not being able to read people well. This is why I love my husband so much because I don't think anyone else would have put up with my issues and I have grown so much with his support even though we have had our personal issues in our marriage. I am grieving the loss of my childhood, my relationships with my siblings, a relationship with my father that my mother denied me by making my father out to be such a bad person. She emasculated my dad and I understand why he became an alcoholic... it was the only way he could cope living with her. He was from N. Ireland...divorce was/is not option for people from the "old country." I am sorry I have posted such a barrage of info, but I thank you for letting me get this out. I hope you understand. It has been therapy for me. Hugs to you dear cyber friend!!

Sharyn...the fellow I was talking about was of course jesting...he had just flown from Boston to Paris, had a luncheon meeting and flew back to Boston, all in one 24 hours. He was always funny with his observations...this one was his "I think they are trying to kill me with all this travel".

My friend Elaine sure agrees with Julia. she is moving to FL to be with the poor ($$ and health) daughter regardless of how much better off she'd be here living in our senior apartments. Some folks just think their kin "owes it to them". The days when folks lived on the farm (as in Walton's Mountain) and could handle multigenerations under one roof are pretty much gone.
And your doctor is 100% right. It seems to be the daughters or DILs that have the caregiving jobs.
On the way home from exercise class (at our community center) I was thinking about Book and how difficult caring for her father is turning out for her. The assisted care and nursing homes have professional caregivers and they are NOT on duty 24 hours a day. They go home at the end of their shift. In home caregiving has got to be the toughest job on earth.
I've gained a great deal of insight from this wonderful group of people on this site. There are no words to describe how much I admire you for all you do and still feel as if you are not being successful in this constant care giving.
I don't know why some people feel strongly (like Julia) that the only "good place" is with family and all other options are bad.
Believe you me, I have every intention of making sure I have a "place" if and when I need it. That is probably good as I don't have any children of my own and step kids are not likely to be "kin" like Julia wants.

You are doing the very best you can and even then, it's more than most people have to offer.
Have you had children that have left the nest? Did you have empty nest issues? I've been wondering if the separation could be anything like that...again, not experiencing that myself.
This is also one more person reminding all caregivers that you MUST take extra good care of yourself or you aren't any good for anyone else.
Be kind to yourself, too. You are a very loving person, Sharyn and your husband sounds like a doll. Go off and have some fun together!
xo

Sorry Bonnie, I submitted by accident, the person on the flight....I would not want to work for him/her...a little too paranoid. While in the exam room, mom asked me a question and I lost it, mom noticed and said "what's going on here?" I held up my hand indicating give me a minute, Dr. P caught on, I finally answered my mom, saying this is so hard. He started telling mom how lucky she was to have daughters and with all his older patients, it is the daughters who are taking care of the parents. He put his hand on my shoulder offering his compassion. I am faxing in the papers for the FMLA...I lost it as work too. Sometimes it's just too much.

Bonnie~No her daughter wasn't with her. When I told the woman my mom doesn't remember things well, she just put her hand on mom's knee saying "don't you worry honey, I don't remember things all the time or hear well either." I know she meant well, and she was really a very sweet lady...just in very well informed. Unfortunately, this is how many older people think and where they get these ideas is beyond me. I'm sure it is something passed down thru the family. I think if her daughter was with her, the daughter would have caught on or would have at least whispered to her mother that she shouldn't say these things. The good news is that mom is adjusting and she repeated to me several times, "You know I have Midget with me, she sleeps with me all night!"

Book,
Check on additional funding for your Dad's care through the VA. He may very well qualify for the home care funds under the A&A.
There are some good articles on this site under legal and such.
Your Dad probably should not be at home. It's just too much for you.
hugs,
B

Sharyn...what an experience with "Julia". Was HER daughter with her?
A slight take on her drugging program...a frequent flyer for business trips told me ...If you have three of the following in one day, your company is trying to kill you. Airplane flight over 200 miles or a hotel "banquet/dinner". Why? Because "they" put a small amount of poison in the airline food and an equal amount in those big dinners, (particularly in the string bean almandine). Won't kill the average person but if you have three servings of said meals, you will probably die. So, the company that sends you on a flight over 200 miles, eat one of those banquet type meals and THEN has you fly back home, ...well, you get it.
That old friend became president of the company and still very much alive so I guess his poisoning worries were for naught.
****************************
Will write later. Off to exercise class.
Bonnie

Hi LEP, when mom passed away in March, we found out that father is a Korean War vet. He never applied as a vet but he does qualify. So mom got entombed in our veteran's cemetery. Father prepaid their caskets long time ago. Since the vets will cover his casket (??), I was told that I can have his casket.

Sharyn and Lavender, thanks for your support and encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

I may not comment much here but I do read...later...

I didn't have time to tell you all earlier today but when I took my mom to the dr. this morning, there was an elderly woman in the waiting room. She heard my mom complaining that her ears start to bother her after the med tech gives her the medicine in the morning (not true, this pressure issue has been long standing). The woman introduced herself as Julia, she is 75, lives with her daughter. She was out riding her bicycle about 7 weeks about and was hit by a car trapped under it. No broken bones but a large gash that required stitches. She told my mother, whatever you do, not take any medicine they try to give you because they put stuff in your breakfast to drug you so you sleep all the time that way they don't have to do anything. My mom looked at me saying what did she say? I told the woman my mom is hard of hearing and she doesn't remember things very well (hoping she would understand mom's situation)........but......no!!! She went on about how she would never live in a home because they drug you, I interjected that the only medicine they give her is what Dr. P has prescribed (the dr. office we were in), but ..........no!!!She didn't get the hint!!! Then she said, that is one thing about us (naming her ethnicity), we take care of our own. Getting angry, I said firmly, so do we!! She said but you said she is living in a home....I said, she is living in assisted living, a private apartment, they give her the medicine dr. P wants her to have, she is safe, but I still have responsibilities such as bringing her to dr. P. They could do that for me, but it is my responsibility. She is not in a nursing home, sitting or laying in a bed all day. There is a big difference. She said oh, I would rather live under a bridge. I said well, I could quit my job to take care of her, lose my house...then we both can live under a bridge, does sound about right??? Her eyes got real big and she just said, oh...then the PA called her to come in the exam room. I know this woman went well but she just wasn't getting my hints, wouldn't shut up. I think the next time that happens, I will ask the receptionist if they could bring us into an exam room or something because I don't want to go thru that again. Dr P again reassured my mom today that she is lucky she has daughters to take care of her and to see she well and safe. Hugs to all!!

LEP627 - Yes, I am going to try to get the VA help also. My mom goes in and out of wanting to have someone to come out and help me help her. She wants to get me relief and then she does not. I am thinking I will have to get a tape recorder to re-assure her that is what she said. Her memory is very selective if you know what I mean. LOL
Book- I am sorry for what you are going through. Please know that we are with you all the way. Lots of hugs to you.

Margeaux~For me the value is the family connections. The camera is an Argus super 75 and I remember my parents using that camera for years. I told my sis and many people with dementia can't watch tv because they think it is real and in the same room with them. It just bothers sis that mom may be sitting doing nothing but my mom has never been one to just sit and do nothing. I hope someday will let those feelings out finally. I am applying for FMLA going out on 5/27/13-6/24/13 turning in the papers today at work. Took mom to the dr. today for ear complaints but all is ok, he said the pressure is probably allergy related. Gotta go, take care hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

How great is that! You found this camera!
I wish I could find an old Pentax, dad used many years ago, but I'm afraid this disappeared many years ago.

It's rather interesting what different people place value upon, as your sister feeling that your mom is missing out on something since she doesn't have a tv, in her own room? Honestly, for some of the junk that is on tv, I see that as a good thing!
My mom sits in front of the tv, but really we hardly think she pays real attention to any program anymore. It's just become noise. This goes to show you how addicted some people are to the boot tube. But I understand what you are saying about your sister, this is she getting emotional about the situation.

Maybe some day your sister will feel these feelings, and I know you will be there for her if she does. You are a great sister, she's so fortunate to have a someone like you! Congratulations about the LTC. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Mother is doing better. My sister took her to a post operative appointment, and the doctor said she is doing well. He also told her that he'd removed seven stones, one was very big. No wonder she was in so much pain. Well, at least she's not experiencing the pain either anymore.

She does have to eat differently now. Actually she should have been eating the small meals, and portion sizes a very long time ago. My sister and the caregiver that's there the most have the very traditional mentality when it comes to eating.
My sister isn't at all watchful with her own eating habits. So I know mother in the past years, has been eating too much, and many times that I was quite astonished about, given she did have lots of acid reflux. But they're all about feeling that if one is a bit plump, (body wise) and then that's the measure of good health. The caregiver, couldn't feed mom, w/o it being a huge production, and so many rich carbohydrates! Anyway, so now my sister is talking small meals for mother. Well I just hope they don't go goofing up this part, because now mother is functioning w/o her gallbladder.

My brother does not know how to take care of himself at all. It became a three ring circus that day at the hospital. On top of that, when one talks to him, he makes no sense what so ever.

That day he went into the ER, my sister and I were in the wing where the surgery was performed for mom. Meanwhile, my husband said he would go check in on my brother, who was still in a room in ER. He was hooked up to a drip on account of the dehydration. While my husband was there in the room, a doctor walked in, and said that my brother was going to be released. Immediately after that, my brother started to remove his own drip and started to get off the bed. But the doctor stopped him, saying that a nurse would come in and do this for him. So you see what we are dealing with whenever there's some drama with golden boy? Honestly, I can't be around him for very long.

I'm happy to hear that your mom is, shall we call it behaving? On your end with she adding you to her account, it is good that you'll have the financial advisor overseeing this. Better to be prepared, since you have shared many times that your mother can start with the questions.

You must have a wonderful grandson. He is being his own person. It's great when this happens. At least you know that he wasn't affected by his home environment with respect to his relationship with you.

How great that you will be taking another trip, and seeing flowers!
I'm so ready for some kind of get away, which hasn't happened in quite awhile.
Have a wonderful time, and it will be good for you to re-connect with your friend.
It is very good to hear from Emjo! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

A very busy morning...I was accepted for the LTC policy I applied for so I had to go to the office this morning and pay for 2 months in advance, starting in June it will be monthly. Went to mom's to finish pruning the roses in the front yard. Then to the grocery store, hubby wants lasagna for dinner and I told him I would make him whatever he wanted today for being so patient and helpful putting the little table together for my mom, so lasagna it is.Picked up some groceries for mom, took them to her apartment, unfortunately, I did not visit with her today due to lack of time and my right knee (don't know what I did) hurts when I walk. or prolonged standing..one thing or another...just getting old I guess, Lol!! Sis gave me the family clock on Saturday...bittersweet due to mom's situation. Those of you who know me, I am a novice photographer...landscapes mostly and macro flowers. I started collecting vintage cameras after my hubby gave me his childhood camera...a Kodak Brownie. I bought 2 more vintage cameras from an antique shop. One is actually a vintage movie camera. I had asked my mother about 3 years ago when I started getting into photography if she had any old cameras, she said she got rid of all the cameras she had. Well on Saturday when sis and I were going thru her things, I found the camera my parents used for many years. I now have my parents camera added to my vintage collection and I found the flash attachment on Esty so I ordered it. Remember vintage does not mean these cameras are or will ever be considered antique or that their value with increase... for me it is about the family connections and the 2 I bought...it is about the look. The clock is a Sessions mantel clock...they are very common because they were priced for the average family to afford. The clock is black, with columns and again, it may never have great value but the sentimental value and family connection is priceless to me. Enough about material possessions.
On Saturday when sis and I went to mom's apartment the second time, sis broke down crying because it really bothers her that mom does not watch tv. She visualizes mom just sitting there staring at the walls...it was the same when mom was in her home. She just can't get her mind around someone not watching tv in the evenings.I reassured her that mom never really sat and watched tv, she was always doing something else like word searches, looking thru catalogs, and just reading anything to do with health and medical. Now mom's thing is moving things, hiding stuff. She said I just want her to be comfortable. I told her, mom has never been comfortable in her own skin unless she is by herself, mom never sat and conversed with us when we all got together at their house, she was always busy in the kitchen or in a bedroom doing something. Remember when we were growing up, she only watch tv with all of us on Sunday nights. She kept herself busy doing other things all evening after working all day. It is who she is and you need to accept this is who she is. When we were driving back to mom's house she talked about the abuse, anger...how do you get over it. She said I know you had counseling, but how do you let go of it. I told her, Karen my counselor, role played with me...she would be mom or dad and she would yell at me,...TELL THEM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL WHEN THEY SAID YOU WERE WORTHLESS!!! I did this to my sister, and I said again, TELL THEM, TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL!!! I really pushed her and she cried so hard. I wish she could find a counselor like I had, OMG, I would cry and rage and Karen would hold me while I let it all out. Now I can hold myself because I learned I can love me, it not wrong or selfish. Just wanted to share this and how my heart breaks for my sister because she won't let herself feel these feelings. Hugs to all and have a good week!!

Bookluvr: was your Dad ever in the military? You can apply for some benefits and have a caregiver come in once a week. I'm still looking into it (I got incorrect info last year), so I didn't apply for it. But now, I need to take a serious look!

Because of our past history, I know that pretty soon, he's going to release that anger on me when I least expect it. Will he use the trapeze metal lift to slam the side of my head? Will he punch me in the face as I'm leaning over cleaning his private area? Will he kick me in the face as I pull his pants down when going to change his pamper? His anger is building up and he absolutely believes I'm giving away or hiding or taking his stuff.

Joan, enjoy your trip...maybe one day, money will fall on your lap. Then you can use it for a cruise.

Hi Joan, father is going down the senile lane. He talks to mom, says he wants to join her, blames all my siblings who were in the house for not saving mom, he's in the poopy stage where he touches and smears it, and he's now blaming me for stealing or giving away his stuff.

How am I? Okay, I guess....I wish I could put him in NH. I'm really really tired of this caregiving stuff. He's gross, stinky, and I...I think I might be getting depress thinking I have more years to go on this.

Joan it sounds like your life has calmed down -it is so comforting to have someone special in our lives who care for us and about-I did not have that really ever with the husband-he thought he owned me and whatever happened it was my fault-I found out after he died he had said inappropiate things to other women.

Joan~Glad to hear you are getting away again, and seeing some flowers!! A cruise sounds nice and hope you are able to coordinate that with your friend. I am glad your mother has a financial planner to help you out if your mom should make accusations. My brother and sil went on a cruise to Alaska last year for their 25th anniversary and love it!! When I went to Ireland, every house had roses...it is a tradition. My dad love his garden! The roses in the back yard are a hedge rose, and as you said, they grow quickly like hybrid tea roses/shrub roses.
As you and everyone else know, my mom will never be completely happy anywhere due to her personality disorder, but overall she is thriving and adjusting. It know she will not admit it, but she enjoys the attention from others, social aspect, and the attention toward her cute little poodle.

have a good week everyone!!

((((((hugs))))) to all. I think I am burned out from the long winter here. Finally the snow had nearly gone from the lawns.

Sharyn -so glad the move has gone pretty smoothly. Sounds like your mum is adjusting pretty well. I can understand that you are having emotions about packing up your mum's house. I had to get stuff out of mother's apartment quickly, and wish I had given more away at the time. I still have a few boxes of basically decorative things that I don't know what to do with. I am sure you are tired after it all. Pruning roses, oh my. One son chopped them off in front so they didn't hang over the lawn when he mowed. G has chopped them off on the other side so they don't hang all over the deck. Fortunately they are shrub roses and grow quickly. I should get out and prune them properly from the inside. They bloom on old wood so you have to be careful. Irish/English rose gardens are a tradition and are beautiful!
Margeaux - I am glad your mum's surgery went well. She should be much more comfortable by now, though she may have difficulty with some foods. Your brother really did a number in himself having to go to the ER. It sounds like he is not very good at looking after himself.
Austin -glad you are getting notices now
book - had your dad settled down at all? How are your health issues?
Bonnie -you have a lot going on. Hope Elaine gets set up in a good situation. You must have constant worry about your friend Lynn. Sounds like your mum is doing very well - good for her. She has a great attitude!!!, I like stairs myself, even though my knees don't sometimes, but going up and down is a form of exercise -especially when I do the laundry in the basement and forget something on the second floor.
letmebe1 - you are right about considering moving a parent from a dysfunctional family into your own home. I am glad you set some limits and have told her to move out. It really is too much!!! I refused to take mine in. Has she found somewhere?
dkjellander - how are things working out?
Iwentanon - I agree about the keys and the greedy sibs. ugh!!!

I am back in email contact with mother. I can tolerate the repetitiveness, complaining and paranoia but will cut her off again if she gets abusive. She was thinking that she was being overcharged for something, but her financial advisor and I looked into it and all is well. She seems to be accepting it, even though she doesn't quite believe it, She agrees that it is a good idea for me to be on her bank accounts - big surprise - though it does open the door to accusations of me taking advantage. I know her financial advisor will back me up if that happens. One step at a time. I can always take my name off her accounts if it gets too difficult. So far she manages her finances well, but at her age (101 this month) anything can happen anytime. She is a careful spender in general, other than feeling she has to buy things at expensive places -e.g. $250 for a pair of slacks from a high class store. It is the elitism of the BPD. But her clothes last her a long time and she doesn't have too much clothing so it is really not an issue.
Nothing new from my daughter - got an email - same old same old, so I am laying low right now. I will do something for the grandkids' birthdays. I am seeing a bit of the oldest grandson as he is old enough to be his own man, G and I are going away to BC again soon - him on business and we will work in a visit to a friend's for the weekend. We will see flowers!!! Can't wait. Someone from years ago reconnected with me on face book. It was great hearing from her and she has invited me to stay which is handy as it is near Edmonton where mother is and I need to go to the bank with mother to get my name on her accounts. I am looking forward to catcging up with her. She lost 2 kids - 2 of her 4 daughters and has a picture of Gordie and her 4 girls when they were all young. As she said, it is hard to believe that 3 of the 5 have gone. She and her hubby are going on a cruise to Alaska and would love G and I to join them. Coincidentally we were thinking about it so maybe it will happen. I can dream!!! Sunlight is calling. It is 77 here today and little cloud or wind!!! Likely BC will be cooler and wet. Take care all -

I have had every other day off this week and today I was off. I spent all day at mom's, went there at 9am to prune all the roses in the back yard. I am a garden fanatic so I am very particular on how roses are pruned and my mom's yard man apparently just uses electric shears to shave them.....no no no!!! Hahaha!! I hand pruned all the roses in the back yard which took all morning. My dad, (as many of you know, was from N. Ireland, so Irish/English rose gardens are very common), loved roses and has many roses planted in the front and back yard. I was not able to prune the front because the yard waste can provided by the city is almost full and they city will only pick this up twice a month:-(!! My hope is that by pruning them properly (my issue of perfectionism), the roses will be blooming beautifully when we put the house on the market. Sis showed up around 10am, we had the heating/air company out to service everything today. Hubby called me around noon, he had assembled the small dinette/2chairs we ordered for mom's apartment and was ready to deliver it. We met him there and brought it up to mom's apartment while hubby finished assembling it. The receptionist told sis and I when we walked in that Midget (the dog) had chewed through the leash and when the aides took her for a walk earlier today, she broke loose from the leash. I knew it was not the leash she chewed through but the harness. We checked all this out when we met hubby at her apartment. It was the harness she chewed through. When we finished at her apartment, we went to Petsmart, bought a new harness, more Greenies and went back to mom's house. We spent the afternoon going through her bedroom sorting things out and looking for a $1,000 cash we know is floating somewhere in that house, we counted it out about 6 weeks ago,which we decided together was best to leave it for the time being (knowing that we were going to move mom)...now we can't find it!! There is a metal box that is locked but we can't find the key to open it...we may have to bring in a locksmith if we can't find more keys. We did find many plastic bags rubber banded together, containers that were originally for other things that mom saved and put random things in it. So typical of the depression era folks...never throw anything out....recycle it for something else even if it is not necessary the best way to store certain products. We laughed, we cried, we found notes mom has written and rewritten with instructions on taking her OTC vitamins...a.m....p.m....Warnings to stay out of her belongings because she does not go through yours so why are you going thru mine. We boxed up 2 boxes with toilette paper, poise pads, her kitchen telephone, cushions for the 2 kitchen chairs and headed back to her apartment to resupply her, change the phone brother brought over to the phone she has been using at her house. We put the new harness and leashed up the dog taking her for a walk. We stayed until they brought mom back from the memory unit for the night and visited with her for about an hour. I texted my son because he has been trying to call her but said the phone just rings and rings. I told him it is because grandma unplugs everything things she is paying for the electricity and everything else out of pocket. He called her while we were there and had a nice talk. Mom has received 2 cards,one from her neice and one from a former co-worker...both living in PA. After visiting with mom today, it became apparent to me that the only thing holding her back from total acceptance is the financial end of who is paying for this. She said she can't stay here because she will be broke in no time, then she would talk about meeting her neighbors and was happy. Sis and I left around 7:20pm. A very long day, and kudos to my sister because I know this is physcially hard on her with her health issues but she is being a trooper by giving up part of her weekend. Hugs to everyone!!

Bonnie~What a great day you had, I agree that it is wonderful to be around, witness, students who are thriving, and enjoying their education. You really have full life and I admire that about you...especially that you give so much of your self and time while balancing it all out!! I must say that from what you have posted about your mother, I am not surprised that she is doing so well, but I am very happy. Your mom sounds like she enjoys life as you do. I hope Elaine continues with the counseling at the church so she can make a wise decision for her benefit. Hugs to you for all you do!!

Margeaux~I certainly understand your concern for your brother. You know his personality and for me to to just give you one thing or another that could be going on with him when you know what his normal is, is very hard to do. I have told you about my brother, he is very supportive of what my sister and I decide regarding mom. He has a health issue that has left him with 60% lung capacity, his mil has lung cancer and the tumor is not shrinking with chemo, his step son is on hospice. My sister sometimes feels he needs to do more to help us with mom and I agree, he could visit my mom more than he does, but sis feels he should be dealing with more of the hard stuff too. I don't think my brother can emotionally deal with my mom because she is not easy to spend time with, all she does is complain and obessess (sp?) about money. My experience with men is that they don't do feelings well and they don't like complaints. My sister means well, but she just feels he could handle more. I feel my brother has enough to deal with already and just encourage him to visit mom as much as possible. As I stated with your brother, he cares or he wouldn't show up to the family meetings. His financial security is gone...that is a hard blow for anyone to take...but for men, I think it is even harder because so much of their identity is involved in what they do for a living than with women. The trend of downsizing, cutting back on employees...employees who are doing the job of 2 people with no raise...no praise. The job market is really tough. Margeaux, back in the early 90's and thru the 90's many people were living high on the hog with both husband and wife working full time. I know we were. Our income level has dropped significantly from what we were making in the 90's and it's not just because I lost my full time job of many years, it's because my husband has had to take pay cuts, start paying out of pocket for health insurance. My heart goes out to your brother and I can certainly understand a big part of what he is feeling being out of a job of many years of employment and loyalty to. Hugs to you and your brother's family!!

Just back from an all -day contest. History Day, WA State where middle school and high school students compete in many different formats on a local, regional, state and where the winners go the DC for the National History Day judging.
I was a preliminary judge (morning sessions) for Senior Exhibits and then in the afternoon for one more competition between the winners for the Final State winners. It was so interesting! Really enjoyed seeing all these bright eyed students eager to tell about their work and why they chose such topics. If you are ready for some great vibes, look at the website www.NationalHistoryDay.org
or www.NHD.org.
Sure was great seeing happy parents with excited students and very proud teachers and working together. It will make you smile!
Anyway, updates on my friends:
1. Mom is doing better and better. Didn't think about he stairs when she said she took a shower and washed her hair two days after returning from Rehab. (Andrea there to help). So that proves she can get up the stairs so maybe as the hip heals she will not need the chair lift thing! Yeah Mom!
2. Neighbor Elaine...Haven't talked since yesterday after exercise class. Will see her for church tomorrow so if she wants to delve into the pros and cons of moving back to FL, I'll be glad to listen.
3. Friend Lynn in MD with the intestinal/dementia/alcohol problems. She sounds better on the phone but I just can't tell how crazy she is in reality. She talks about going to visit her mother but hasn't been there since the move from AL to NH which had to have been in about Jan/Feb. Each evening she says she is going to get dressed and out to do errands the next day...but next evening/afternoon, she post pones that going out again. I don't know if she is getting dressed at all. Can't tell what is the truth any more. And worse is I can't find out from anyone. Just pray her husband is watching out for her and that he will see to some treatment(wishful thinking, I'm afraid).

Thanks Margeaux for your fine suggestions. And Sharyn, so very glad things are working with your Mom. How have the conversations been going? any more nice things to say to you?
Of course, the house is full of memories and very importantly, the "home base" of family. I just know it will be awful when Mom dies/moves to NH as I think of her home as my home in so many ways. Too many to even start thinking about now. As I'm on a high note with the day of History judging, I'll not go to the place where the house starts to represent our families. But I know just what you mean.

xxoo,
Bonnie

Shwarry thank you for the information -I am now getting the newesline

Bonnie,

This is a sad story about your friend Elaine. This is terrible the daughter and that sil, did the heave ho. Poor woman, she's attached to the idea that family is going to provide for her. But that description of living on a porch w/cats, what is that all about?

I think this is a sad and interesting phenomena. Remember I've posted about my neighbor, who I've helped since her daughter pretty much only throws her mother a bone every now and then. Her daughter lives close by, in the neighboring town to her mom's. The daughter runs a pre-school in our town. My neighbor has had several health issues just after Jan. of 2013. She's had 3 different procedures done. The excuse from my neighbor about her own daughter's lack of participation, has been that her daughter is too busy w/work. She is also finishing up a Master's program in her education. Anyway, I and another friend of our neighbors have been the ones who have taken her to the procedures. I've checked in on her, and made her meals, or have done shopping for her, while she was recuperating. In all of that time, I hardly every heard my neighbor say, that she even got a phone call from her daughter. She also has a son that lives in another state, and he rarely emails his mother.

The other day, I was having coffee w/her. I couldn't believe it when she said to me, in a rather sheepish manner, her daughter had called her. Of course, I never make remarks to my neighbor about her own daughter's lack of concern. But then my neighbor did say, "I haven't heard a thing, from my son." She then went on to say something like, "well, they (her kids) never got the example from me, since I never took care of my parents." So in other words, my neighbor likes to let her kids off the hook. My neighbor is from Holland, so how was she supposedly to set this kind of example for her kids, her parents lived, and then passed away there. It's bad enough, she doesn't get any attention by either of her kids, then it's as if she's taking some kind of blame for it. I did say something to the effect that I think no matter what, children should be there, and at least be emotionally supportive towards their elders. This lady raised her two ungrateful kids on her own too, amidst lot's of financial/emotional struggle, w/little to no support from their fathers.

This is a very sad commentary about our society, about how some children don't even have the decency to at least call, or write, as in this case.

I hope for your friend's well being, she makes the right choice for herself. In this case, she'd better become selfish.
It's good for a helpful, and kind friend such as yourself. Kudos to you, Bonnie.
Elaine would be better off in an AL.

How is your mother doing?
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You know how you have written about your sister at times, then later I think I get the feeling you do feel for her situation also. Well, this is how I feel about my brother. I did write about his past, when he was quite young and unfortunately didn't take responsibility in the emotional sense w/his first daughter from a pregnancy. He did however financially support this daughter.

He is the brother who is married to the awful SIL, who I'm sure is a narcissist.
They have two grown daughters, She's done everything to alienate his daughter's feelings against my brother. This is much like the behavior that our own mom did towards my sister and myself when it came to our father. In hindsight, mother made sure in her mind, we didn't get close to dad.
But I'm not sure if our mother did this to our two brothers. They've of course never commented on this. I think too, many times when mothers do this to children, they will especially target the females. It's as if on account of our gender, we automatically become a threat against them, in some kind of weird competition for the father's affection. What dishonor they commit on a lot of people.

Our youngest brother also, had "golden boy," to contend with. My parents put him on such a pedestal, I wonder what this factor could have played emotionally upon our youngest brother. I'm sure this must have done a number on his self esteem. I know what the favoritism towards my sister, by our dad, did to mine. He's not what I'd consider a loner, but he has always been quiet. He is responsible though especially w/in his own family. He also did lot's of labor on mother's and her sister's rental properties that were in utter disrepair the last few years, and why? Because "golden boy," who previously had POA, for mom and our aunt, did nothing, and took money from them. So I wouldn't want to make my youngest brother sound like some complete lump.

I'd written before that he was terminated from a job he'd had for 29 yrs., his last day was this week. So then my sister called me to say she'd been talking to him.
My sister and brother have had on and off tension recently, and at the root of it, is the SIL, (his wife). But she did say that they'd talked and he admitted to her that his job termination is affecting him emotionally. I was actually,, shocked that he admitted this to my sister. But I am rather glad that he is doing this, because in this sense and under this circumstance, we are concerned for him. It's difficult to gage people's behavior, when all one has known of them is one way of dealing with issues. Then when it's about emotions, OH! It can get murky and complicated. But thank you for the variety of suggestions you made in your post about this. My sister and me are concerned about him. I do have to remind myself also, with some people who do have a hard time either being more verbally expressive, then one must look at other things they've done and realize we don't all express in the same manner.

I'm very happy to hear that you're feeling better. Yes, the temps have warmed up the last week. Oh! The hydrating, it's very under rated. I really have to do this, especially for the sinuses. I'm positive that "golden boy," experienced this when mom was in for her surgery and he ended up in the ER. He said he had a huge soft drink, the night before. Then, next morning he did hard yard work for two hours, and then made himself a huge black coffee. He's a huge guy too over 200 lbs. So one can imagine why his poor body was trembling by the time he made it to the hospital for mom's surgery. You can stay hydrated also by eating all the watery fruits, and veggies. Mangoes and cucumbers are great, as well as others.

It's good that you can spend quality time with your mom. Hopefully, she'll meet some compatible seniors at the AL, soon.
Take care of yourself, and you're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Austin~I have had the problem of not getting updates sent to me via email and I sent an email to the admins. They fixed it in about a week. Check the email address you have listed for this site under your public profile, the admins left me a message there saying I needed to update my email address.

for some reason I am not getting post either from my email or the news feed.

Bonnie~Thanks for asking about my mom. She is doing as well as can be expected right now. She doesn't like being tied up in the Expressions program from 8:30-6 everyday because she can't be with her dog during that time. I understand why she can't have the dog with her (the dog will bark if she is not the center of attention) and mom needs to develop relationships with others that the dog won't interfere with. Other than that she is eating good, sleeping well and the fact that she is starting to complain (normal for her) she is slowly adjusting. We had lunch on Tuesday, went for a walk with the dog and just hung out for about 2 hours. I will see her again tomorrow.
I am doing ok. Today was a good day, I felt good, laughed and joked at work. I still have times when I am very sad and weepy. My attachment to mom's house is not just about a structure, it is about my whole family, so that is still very hard. I printed out forms for FMLA (to care for a family member). These seem to be most appropriate from the choices available and I will call corporate on Monday to make sure as I have an appt. Wed. for mom and I can give them to the dr. then.

I hope your mom is recovering well and that everythings works out for the best with your neighbors mother. How are you doing while all this is going on around you? Hugs to you and enjoy the weekend!