The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Bonnie,

Mrs. B, is a doll. I love these kinds of people. They know how to really live.
In French, this is the "Joie de Vie," Joy of Life. I find that people who still know the value of taking the time to do things such as canning, cooking, gardening seem to be mentally very healthy individuals. They get it!

My grandmother was a lot like this. She was from the old country, and was a great cook. There hasn't been any other cook in our family like her! She made everything from scratch.

Well how great is that! You spent that time with her and her daughter.
This is quite funny, what you said about your husband also, he thinking you were working real hard. HAAH!

The only woman in that household for the moment is his daughter, with the two kids. She's no help to him. It's the other way around. She being the only daughter in that family, she's been spoiled. He threw his wife out almost exactly a year ago. They had other marital problems. But at the bottom of a conflict they've had for years, is they were always towing in different directions when it came to their kids. She was always cooking for them. She was never the housekeeper. He isn't either, so you can imagine that my niece and nephews haven't been taught anything about contributing in this manner to a household. I think my brother's wife had differences with him, wanting him to back her up more and enforce some kind of discipline, but instead it became like a tug of war the married parties. My sister and me feel like she finally got fed up, and started to stay out after work, (so get away from the house duties). I guess this is about the time it came to a head.

But I know current day, not one of those kids does anything. We even suspect that probably my brother now does most of the cooking. But he shouldn't be doing this either. Hope they figure all of this out for their own good!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Bookluvr,

I had honestly thought the very same thing regarding my sister, and as you have described it, a "token decision," for the rest of the siblings to participate in.
Part of this is also, that I feel and am witnessing that my sister in her impatience just doesn't let things gel either. I think a few days, or a weeks would have to pass before we could really make a determination about whether a strict diet for mother would have improved her condition. I don't know, maybe I'm the naive one here. But your point is well taken. Thank you! Also, I reached a point while we were supposedly deciding in which even thinking that she was possibly setting us up to do like the inevitable, (surgery), I had to dis-spell this kind of thinking from my brain. It would really make me feel very conflicted and this was based primarily upon the discomfort I feared mom could feel going through the surgery. Then, there's the ALZ to consider. Well, it's done. Mother will still have to follow a strict diet, because now there's no gallbladder.

I read some of the comments on the "You," thread. Honestly, your family had to worked over your every last nerve, with all the decisions you were having to be a part of.

Our brothers sound very similar. My brothers three boys work. They don't help him out financially. He's still operating as if they were under 18 yrs. old. I believe his daughter isn't working. She's got two kids, and someone has to do childcare, at least for that 2 yr. old. Her daughter is 8, and is in school. It's in large part my brother's fault, he's a total enabler of the situation. He somehow stupidly thinks that by keeping his children there at home, that they won't leave him, I guess.
The bigger problem is that he's dis-empowering from they having the necessary experiences for their own growth. This is the one of the worst things I think a parent can do.

I hope you are doing well, and that your dad is adjusting.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux,
Just to let you know, Mrs. B is now 96 or 97 and has just given up making egg noodles for her church dinners and sales! She is the product of Ohio and strong lines of healthy farmers.
She also has a sharp sense of humor and fussed at me for wanting to call the Medics! "Oh Bonnie, they may need to help someone who REALY needs them...You just drive me to the hospital"
Oh Mrs. B continued to climb ladders and pick fruit. She had an orchard back in Ohio and used to do all kinds of canning as well as pie making. She would come out here every summer to tend the granddaughter, Lauren while the parents worked at their business. I had more time with Mrs. B than anyone else! When I was painting the kitchen cabinets, she would come over when she figured I would be taking the upper doors down and then when ready to put them back up. We made Watermellon Pickles every summer, too. Canned green beans, froze ears of corn...just loads of old time summer living. My husband really liked her being around, too. He was from a ranching/farming family and found the conversations about crops like old times. We would drive over to Eastern WA for apples and nectarines, which was a great road trip.

Sure miss her but have managed to get back to Ohio to visit her a few times. She is doing well for her age!

The funny thing about when she and daughter were both laid-up...I'd tell my husband...Oh honey, I just have to go over to help poor Sharon and Mrs. B...so you can do the chores here, right?" As I said, my real main job was going to the video store and fixing lunch or picking up something from a favorite restaurant! Sharon had a King bed and a lounge chair next to it, plus a big TV. All three of us would be there to watch the movies (I usually sat on the chair). I'd bring snacks in and drinks. We had a good time "recovering". My dear husband thought I was working away. (Not so much as Sharon had a housekeeper there, too.)
Ah, for the good ole days!!!
Thanks for your interest!

ps...Your brother will just have to cope as best as he can. Apparently, he is part of the mess/chaos. Are there any women living there?

Bonnie,

You are so right! It was one hell of a week!!
I felt a bit of shell shock the last few days, after all of this.

Mom, stayed the night at the hospital and released the next day.
She's at home now. I'm afraid she's giving my sister a rather hard time right now.

My brother's kids can't give him any good advice. My sister and me think that, only the oldest son, is being somewhat sensitive towards my brother's dilemma.
This son, has two baby girls and is one of his kids who had his baby's w/the girlfriend, but they aren't married. He still lives at my brother's house. The girlfriend still lives w/her parents, and works during the day. So apparently the arrangement is that he picks up his two daughters, during the day and does the childcare. One is not even a year old. The other is almost 2 yrs., now. He works at night, so then returns them back to their mom at night. They do have a relationship, also. But I don't understand any of this.

So my sister had a talk with this son the other day via phone, and he expressed concern about his father,that he'd been going to work the last month with Shingles. But here again, on account of this son's circumstance, we know that my own brother probably doesn't get proper rest during the day either, he works a graveyard shift. I'm afraid having this daycare situation going on in his home, daily, our brother is sleep deprived. His other three kids show little to now concern about him. My brother is a total enabler, though.
This is why I call it utter chaos.

What on earth was a woman her age doing getting on a ladder? This is the kind of stuff my neighbor attempts. About 5 yrs., ago she got up on a ladder and fell; she cracked some ribs. She continues to do this too. She's told me about how she's climbed up a little step ladder to change a light bulb. She stupidly thinks that she can balance herself doing this task, in the middle of a room, so there's not even a wall she can hang onto. Then she'll also tell me that, she felt dizzy doing it. She's on HBP meds, and she's the one that likes to drink.
So it could be a combination of all of that too. But when she's told me of these episodes, I do tell her that not even I would attempt some of these acrobatic feats and I'm somewhat younger than she is. She's really a stubborn woman, I'm finding out. There's no reason for her to do this either, as we offer to help her out this way constantly. Hate to say it, but this is stupidity on her part.

It was good that you were able to help your friends out in this situation.
The way you wrote this Bonnie, was quite comical. I really had fun reading it.
I assume, that this happened some time ago? I could just see you running around their house to come to this woman's rescue.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Congratulations, about the evaluation that your mother received about her cognitive abilities, etc. All of these issues can start to put your mind at ease.

As I wrote before, this is a time for adjustments on many people's behalf.
It must be very difficult for you while you have gone there to the AL, to take care of the paperwork, and wanting to see your mom. I realize that this comes from a very nurturing and the heart. But remember some of the "detachment," alsol
Even your mom must make the adjustments now, and if she is to start to make this transition I really think this is a step in the right direction that she not see you each and every time you are there, especially while she's making the change in her and getting used to her new environment. Besides, you've stated that she was happy to see you and looked rested. This has to be a positive sign, the poor woman was recently locking herself in her bedroom w/her dog, now there are people there also watching out for her. She's I'm sure being required to engage with other people too, not just family. Even under these trying circumstances, it's always good when the patient starts to cooperate, and I'm afraid even when it's somewhat enforced by people who do not know them. I'll write about this in a separate post. My sister is really experiencing this w/mom right now.
Anyway, my point being, that she can finally be safe, and in her dementia hopefully not be scared she's alone, etc. Remember, we can only as the children of a loved one w/compromised abilities to think, and then there's the medications they give them to contend with. We really don't know what these kind of thought processes are any more for them, because WE only experience them as the observer. While they experience ALZ/Dementia as the patient.

I'm very happy for you, that finally you had that moment with your mother and you had the opportunity to tell her, "You Love Her." That she responded is, WOW! This is beautiful, and it was a long time coming, wasn't it!! Now that you've jumped this hurdle with her, just keep telling her that. I do this with my mom. I think sometimes we who have grown up in the dysfunction, sometimes spend lots of time in the hurt part of the relationships. We're all more mature, and even if we're obviously still dealing w/an elder who isn't mature, and top of it has these kinds of illnesses, WE have to take the high road so to say in the picture and take that first step, of which you did. A huge kudos for you!

I hope that you get the FMLA approved. Try to take it easy and do something for yourself. I really hope too, that you will have some assistance in packing up your mother's home. It does still sound as if you are doing much of the caring, given your sister is the POA.

I'm very sorry to hear about your nephew. I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts!
Stay strong, but take it easy too! Hugs, Much Love & There is LIght!! Margeaux

Simply, You might as well take care of yourself first.

Sad to read your story Simplyvampires.
Wanted to give a Great News to sharyn about her conversation with her Mom.
That must have made you feel just wonderful that she acknowledged your love and shared it with you. Always remember that.

Bonnie

I wish that I had family. I wish that I had someone that actually really cared about me. I don't even really have friends. I have acquaintances, but they don't really undertstand. All Mother does is yell at me because I don't get her medicine but she refuses to go the doctor. I've always reached out and helped others and they ended up using me so much that there is nothing left for me. The only doctor in this area that does home visits has missed three appointments. I'm not eating, I've gained 25 pounds, and I'm so sick that I can't even take care of my Mother, who is constantly putting me down and calling me names. I looked at every resource that there is, but there is no help and it gets worse everyday. My only option is apparently to go ahead and die, and then apparently my Mother can actually get some help.

Cat~Thank you! It was an amazing conversation and one I will treasure forever.♥♥Hugs you to!

So glad to have found this group. I lost my step-father almost 2 years ago and he was much younger than my Mum and took care of every need so she is now unable to care for herself. My bio dad who has also passed he was an alcoholic and cheater, never home and when he was we wished he was not because of the fights as well the physical and mental abuse. My Mum did not know how to be a Mum and was harsh and mentally abusive to all 3 of her daughters not her son though he is the only thing she expresses love for. Now that the only parent that made me feel loved (my stepdaddy) is gone it has fallen to me to care for my Mum. I have one sister that will not even come and visit her and one that will do things only if she gets paid and her wonderful son who lives about 2 hours away and only visits once a month and sends her a check for every occasion which I call BS on, I think he needs to invest some time with her since he is the only one that got any love from her and basically is still the only one she does not mentally abuse and manipulate. I spend 8 to 12 hours a day taking care of her, my husband and home are neglected and all I get from her is a poke in the belly with a cane and "you're getting fat" or she will watch me doing something and say "wow you are getting old you are full wrinkles". Mental abuse at it's finest. She will not join any of elder groups she says she does not want to be around old people, mind you she is 80 and she depends on me for everything and it makes me crazy. I manage her finances, all her doctor appointments she has cancer so we have a lot of doctors trips, take her shopping, for walks, to the casino, on all my vacations, to all family functions where I have to make sure she has a plate and drink and is comfortable and take her to and from the restroom as well as leave the function on moments notice because she gets tired. She wants what she wants when she wants and if it does not happen there is hell to pay. I mow her yard, plant all her flowers just like my stepdaddy used to do and she is still very hateful towards to me. She made a nasty remark to me yesterday about my past and my abusive relationships and came back with my own nasty remark about how her and my bio dad did not know how to be parents and that they broke us and made us into the type of women that get into abusive relationships because we have no self-esteem and because we are broken we think that is best we can do. BTW I have a good husband now he treats me well and even helps with my Mum when he can, so I did finally break the cycle but it took 40 years. My frustration comes when she calls me all times of the day or night whenever she gets lonely or depressed, I do everything for her but I can't fix that, I can only listen. I work hard to give her everything she needs but once in awhile I would like a break. She will not ask my brother for anything, he came to visit and she would not even ask him to put in a table leaf instead she waited for my son to come over and got him to do it. If I ask her why she does not ask my brother for anything she says oh he is tired he works hard, Now mind you he is retired from the federal government and works now by choice in a retail store. He does not have to work, he does it to pay his son's rent and child support, his son is 30 years old and can take care of himself and I so want to scream in his face and tell him he needs to give something back to the women who raised him not an ungrateful son, mom will not be here forever and he should be making time for her. Twice in one week him and his buddy went fishing and did not call mum or come and visited. I get so angry when I see those FB posts that I want to cry, I never get to go fishing or anything else for that matter without taking her along. I even took her on my honeymoon tell me that ain't a bite in the butt. I know how my siblings look at the situation, they don't want to be bothered with her and they figure since I am her paid care giver, I make about 600.00 a month to be her personal care attendant as she has deductible for the care and she does not have the money to pay that so I had to take the job as I could not expect someone else to do the job and waive the 602.00 deductible. So the 600.00 a month barely covers my expenses for all I do for her. I do it because she is my mother and needs me to be there. But it is starting to cause me to not like my siblings very much. I feel alone and stranded in big mess with no personal life to speak of and it is making me crazy. I know there are others on here in much worse situations so thank you so much for creating a place for me to vent.

Dkjellander – I don’t think you sound harsh. You worked hard for your money so that you can use it on a cruise. That’s what you’re suppose to do. And I wouldn’t spend so much money and then end up going with people who will just ruin it for me. I’d be like you and go without them along. As for niece hinting about the cruise, she’s an adult. Go find a job or part-time job and pay for her cruise – as long as it’s not with you. I can just see her FaceBook conveniently showing how SHE was the one caring for grandma. I, also, have no problem telling off my nieces/nephews. And I also tell their parents. My family says that I’m the too blunt one in the family.

LEP – sorry that your older brother did that to your mom. I never knew how common that is until I found this site. I hope you succeed in proving your case. Scary the stuff we read here...

Sharyn...I am sooo glad that all that hard work and maneuvering mom into the community was successful. And that your mom actually looks healthy and well cared for! Yes, you will be hearing that question about when she's going home - for quite a while. For some, it never goes away. Just redirect. I'm so glad and Happy For You that you and your mom ended your phone conversation in a very very positve way! HUGS!!!! to you, too, Sharyn!! =)

Margeaux – I guess your sis including you on the mom’s decision was just a token gesture. That’s how I felt with mom’s funeral arrangement. We all agreed with one thing, and then the next day at lunch time, I find out differently. I asked around and none of my other siblings were consulted. Older sis decided to do what SIL wanted despite the obit lady saying that even they used the $900 obit for a family member that recently died.
In actuality- we had no say... If your sister wasn’t so closed mouth about things, she would have been texting you about any changes in your mom. I’ve done that all these 23 years to my siblings my mail, then by email and now by texting. If mom had ever died suddenly, they cannot blame me for not telling them how serious condition mom was. All your sister had to do was text you: mom not eatg breakfast…mom still in pain…not eatg lunch,etc…. I’m glad that your mom came of surgery okay. I was worried there but didn’t want to say anything to add to yours.

As for your golden boy brother, he sounds just like my golden boy brother of next door. He has 2 grown boys with their wife/girlfriend and their kids living with bro and his wife. Get this, those boys are in their late 20’s!! And their parents support them and their children. What happened to getting your kids to find a job and support their expenses (car gas, pampers, etc..???) I feel sorry for our brothers. I don’t think their children will take care of them or treat them right. I truly think that my brother would be neglected by his children. And he knows it too. Yet, he still enables them.

Sharynmarie: Sending you lots of love and tons of compassion. You rock and you are doing everything right. Blessings to you. Cat

I just have to tell everyone, I spent 45 minutes tonight talking with my mom, I told her I love you mom...for the first time ever....she said I love you too!!!♥♥♥

Hi Everyone!!

I actually have positive news to report!!! Sis and I met at the community today at 8:45am. A nurse from the LTC policy came out to evaluate mom's living situation and her cognitive abilities. She agreed that the living situation mom is in matches her abilities so they will support that and pay accordingly. An aide brought mom up to her room...mom was so happy to see us!! She looks good, rested and seems relaxed. I was so happy about that because I expected her to look haggard from the obvious change and possible lack of sleep. We spent 3 hours with her including the interview with the nurse, did her laundry, had lunch with her. Afterwards we went to mom's house to look more for the containers for her hearing aids. We can't find them!! I have been to the community everyday except yesterday tieing up loose end with them, they needed copies for mom's insurance cards front and back, taking the dog to the vet to update her vaccines, buying waste paper baskets for the bath and kitchen, laundry hamper, etc....On Monday they said mom was packing her belongings because her brother was coming to take her home. They talked her out of that because her partial plates were missing. Later they found them soaking in her coffee maker, LOL.She put her hearing aids in the container with her partials on Wednesday with water in it. Sis called the hearing aid center and they said they should be fine. Today I found them in a bowl in a cupboard so I took them with me until we can find where mom hid the recharger and other container for them. Then sis and I went shopping buying a shower chair, new towels, bath rug, and pajamas for mom. Mom is in the Expressions memory care from 8:30-6 everyday. During that time, an aide comes to her apartment and walks the dog every two hours. When I would go to the community to bring over items for mom or for information they were requesting, I did not go to the memory care unity to see her. I called the union about the FMLA and yesterday being my first day back I work, I told the bakery manager I was applying for it and why. That was uncomfortable because I did get weepy and HE is only 28-30 yrs old. He said he would get me the paperwork right now and he was very compassionate. I am feeling better after seeing mom today, but it is still touch and go for me emotionally. She will be asking how long she will be there and when can she go home for a long time and I understand that so I change the subject. I am applying for the FMLA and hope to go out on that in 4 weeks so we can go through all of mom's belongings. It is going to be soooooooooo hard for me. I am hoping to get 4-6 weeks off to do all this plus grieve.

My brother put up a latch on the front yard side of mom's backyard gate so we could padlock it and give the combination to the lock to the yardman. My brother's step son is not doing well, whenever they take him out somewhere, he is in much pain for 3-4 days before they can get it under control again. He wants to go to a place in the mountains that he used to go to with his grandpa this weekend. They are doing everything they can to accommodate his wishes even though he will suffer for it afterwards. They have to do this for him even though it is painful for him and everyone else. I am exhausted but hopeful that in time mom will adjust and I know she must be enjoying the extra attention even though it is not from us everyday. Hugs to everyone and have a good weekend!!

Brandy~I really don't know what you can do since your sister has POA. What I suggest is that when you visit in two weeks, and hopefully you can be there for a week, spend as much time with your mother as you can. If mom had dementia, you cannot expect her to too chatty on the phone or take what she says as complete truth. However, any complaints she does have should be investigated because just because a person has dementia doesn't mean that what they tell you is not part truth, they just can't express themselves as well as we can. My mother says she does not know to questions she really does not know the answer too. When you do talk with her on the phone talk to her about the past, that is easier for her to remember. I hope all works out for you and that your concerns turn out to be small issues. I know it must be very hard for you since you are disabled and at a distance from your mom. Hugs to you!!

Plz tell me what to do. As you know mom is in the NH 150 miles away from me. I am disabled etc. I haven't been able to see mom for awhile. I call her and all she says is yes and no when I ask her questions. If I ask non y & n questions, she says she doesn't know. I have this nagging in my brain that all is not well there. If I ask sister she says "why do you want to know." Sis has POA and won't tell me how mom is and the NH won't either. Short of going there what should I do? I plan to go there on Mother's Day, but that is 2 weeks away. Advice please.

Margeaux and Sharyn...wow you two have been through a hellish week for sure!
Did your mom get home from hospital?
Your golden brother...well, bet that is a description we can all understand! It must have been wild at the hospital.
Here's one for you...true, too
My neighbor Sharon age 55 was having some surgery that was going to put her in bed for several weeks at home, so she asked her mother to come and help take care of her.
Mother, 82 came from Ohio to WA. The entire family is uptight worried about Sharon. It was a beautiful sunny day, I was home sewing when I had a phone call from Mrs. B (the mom). Bonnie, come here right now, I've fallen and hurt my leg.
Well, nervous wreck me, runs over and rings the front door bell. Stupid! So I go around the back and find Mrs. B with her leg wrapped in the dog's towel by the sliding doors.
She was calm as can be asking me to go get a bandaid and some clean rags.
Eventually, I talked her into calling 911 and our local Medic One came, hauled her off to the hospital. I was shaking like a leaf and drove behind the ambulance.
Now, Sharon is in surgery. Sharon's husband is in waiting room...and Mrs. B and I are in the ER.
One doctor after another came in to see this 82 year old woman who had a horrible jagged "J" from knee to ankle. The accident was from standing on a folding ladder, leaning over and reaching to the top of the apple tree, when the hinge twerked and the top round thing on the folding part of the ladder tore an inch thick and inch deep cut down her leg, as the ladder was falling over on her.

Wow.....the next day our newspaper says Apple picking can be dangerous!

I ran into the EMTs at Safeway a few weeks later and they asked about her. "She's home but not making apple pies!"
Now we had Sharon bedridden, and Mrs. B also. so I became the caregiver. My main job was to rent videos and make lunch. Everyone healed well and we caught up on lots of missed movies!
Mrs. B is now 96 and still walking fine and dandy!
Margeaux, I hope you Golden Brother listens to his sisters who have good inisights. Better than his kids.
Bonnie
You two rock!
Bonnie

Sharynmarie,

Thank you so much for your concern, I really appreciate it.
The last week and a half has been a roller coaster with mom's various visits to the ER, and hospital. Then all of the decision making process about she having/not having the surgery. Thinking we weren't going to do it, then it happened anyway. I'm glad yesterday is behind us. But we'll now wait and see whether the removal of the gallbladder hopefully makes her more comfortable.
I personally still was very conflicted, as per my searches.
A drip was given to him to hydrate. Oh!!! He made me get jittery just watching him be so hyper. When I first walked in the room, he was on the cell telling someone how the doc had just been in to say that all his vitals were good, no diabetes, blah di blah. He was talking very loudly, as he always does. At the end of this conversation, he said, "The doctor said I was in perfect health."
Why would someone say this, after some of the things that have happened to him this last year, health wise. I think he's in complete denial.

About my brother. His situation at his household to be one of the grown un-weds, with their own children living there. They are all continuing to drain little economic resources on my brothers end. In other words, he's towing the line for his kids, and then their own. Complete chaos, if you ask me.

It's too bad, this May will be a year that he had asked his wife to leave the household. They for a very long time had a very dysfunctional marriage, and family life regarding my niece and nephews, and their kids (grandkids). Essentially my brother threw her out. From what I've heard, he nor she have come forth to try to even have a conversation about what their future is going to be. His wife went ahead and rented a place. So, my sister and me realize, that now there's only one income at my brother's. This must not be easy at all for him.
But, we've become increasingly frustrated by this, because of course we as his siblings get drawn in too. We also see how it's affecting his health. I sure hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.

Good luck with your meeting, and hope you are well. Hugs, Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Margeaux~I am so happy hear your mom is doing well, how relieved you sound. However, your poor brother!! Having Shingles is so painful. Hubby had it when he was only in his thirties. He worked too, but he was in a lot of pain. I worked with a woman a couple years ago who got it and her dr. pulled her out of work for a week because it can be contagious. It's a shame your brother's family was not very thoughtful of him. I am guessing they put him on IV drip to rehydrate him before releasing him. Sis had that happen twice after she was first diagnosed with diabetes. The second time she was at work and collapsed, they called an ambulance. I am glad to hear your mom is doing well and I hope your brother takes better care of himself after what he went through yesterday. You must have been exhausted by the time you got home. I gotta get going, meeting sis and someone from mom's LTC policy at the community to evaluate her living situation for approval, get her laundry done, and have lunch with her. I'll update later on how she is doing and what is going on with me emotionally. Take care and lots of hugs to you!!

How funny is that!!

This last sentence, explaining about my brother came up as a tag line, at the very end, but it makes it more clear. HAAH!

WOW!!!!!!! What a day we all had yesterday!!!!!
Before my husband and me left our place, I called my sister to get the last of the details about mom's surgery which was scheduled at 1:00 p.m. Since things kept changing constantly I didn't want us to drive so far and for it to be cancelled.

I then received a call from my sister, who was already at the hospital w/our golden boy brother and mom. They had to be there at 10:30 a.m., for the pre-op.
She started to tell me that my was shaking like a leaf. This was all she said, so I then asked if she thought he might be nervous about mom's procedure. She said
that she didn't know what was happening to him, but he didn't look good. I could hear the distress in her voice. So I suggested that maybe he needed to be checked by a doctor. She agreed, but I guess she was having a struggle w/him to follow her advice. This was definitely a plea for help, and I'm on the other side of town. Here I was trying to keep my cool about mom, and now this phone call.

As my husband and I were on our way, I thought, "Well I hope my sister called his kids, it's time they start looking out after their own dad."

Apparently when this was happening, mother still had not been admitted and they were in a main lobby of the hospital. So my sister alerted the reception desk about my brother. The reception then put out a call on the public address system that a doctor was needed ASAP. She said, that about 60 doctors suddenly came crawling out of everywhere approaching them, and they brought some monitors, and a wheel chair. They took my brother to the ER section of the hospital to see what was going on.

Anyway, meanwhile my husband and me left our place. Upon arrival, we asked at the reception desk where mother could be, since I didn't see my sister anywhere. Finally they escorted me to another floor.As I was going in, I saw my sister exiting on another side. But the reception/asst. continued to escort me towards mother's room. Mom was gone. Now I met my sister outside this area, and she said, "They just took mom in for surgery." It was only 12:00, apparently they'd moved her up since there was a cancellation. I was a little frustrated since I wanted to see her before she went in. "Oh well." Now we were on our way to see what was going on w/my brother in ER.

My brother by now had been examined. He is an extremely high strung individual, and has always been this way. I came to discover that he's had the Shingles for the last month, and has been going to work in this condition.
He has been on a weight reduction venture for several mos. now. He told me that he runs 3 miles a day, and this is after a graveyard shift. Anyway, it looks as if he was extremely de-hydrated. I went in there into his room. I tried talking to him and getting a sense of what occurred at least a day prior to he feeling this way. But he is so hard to talk to, he wants to do all the talking with almost zero listening. It's as if he just takes the floor, hardly allowing one to get a word in edge wise, in a very loud voice. He is such a draining person.

Two of his kids did show up, and they have very immature attitudes. They give me the feeling that they are not much of any real help in a circumstance as such to my brother when he needs them. Since my brother drove there alone, the plan was for one of them to drive him back home, if they released him.

My youngest brother also showed up later at the hospital.
Finally about 2 hrs. after mom had been in the surgery, the doctor came out.
He said that everything had gone well. The gallbladder and stones were removed. They did find something in her liver, so they're doing a biopsy.
Mom was now in the recovery room. So meanwhile, we were like chickens with our heads cut off running between Laparoscopic surgery to the ER. Ay yay yay!!
Oy vey!! By this time, I was starting to feel a bit nutty!

Later, I finally went in to see mom. She was totally knocked out!
I stayed with her for about 15 mins. By now, I was feeling a combination of being wound up, but drained especially by the golden boy experience on top of everything else. He was released. Interesting though, his son had to leave to go pick up his niece from school. So my brother's daughter was left there with her 2 yr. old baby, who by now was really fussy, so she left too. My youngest brother ended up taking golden boy home.

They did keep mother there overnight, of which I was glad, because this in other circumstances seems to be an in and out procedure.

My husband and me left the hospital in the early evening.
Later my sister called me from the hospital. She said that mom was wide awake, felt no pain, (probably still anesthetized), was eating Jello and crackers.
She also was chatty. This was very good to hear.

Anyway, it was a long day, and I'm glad it's today!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

This is the brother with all of the drama at his household that still has the grown kids living with him.

Margeaux~I totally understand what you are saying. Yes, I go through the same thing with my sister. I approached my sister twice before the move about what to move and she would say I have a good idea of what to have moved. She knew I wanted the love seat due to the small space. Instead she had them move the couch and hubby said she wanted to move the love seat as well. I am 5'8" and can lay on mom's couch with room left over plus the arm rests so I am guessing it is longer than 6'. Now I have a small dinettew/2chairs to take over there and with the couch, I don't know where we can put it without it being too cluttered because sis also had them move a glider/rocker with ottoman. There is about 3 ft. from the end of the couch to the refrigerator and directly across the room in approximately that 3 ft. of space is the glider. The door opens and when opened all the way, it comes right behind the glider so the dinette is going to be right there in the way when you enter. I don't know what she was thinking but she did the best she could just like the rest of us and I will leave it up to her if she decides to have my nephews swop out the couch for the love seat. It's not worth splitting hairs over and we learn from experience as we go along.

I will be thinking about you and your mom today, let us know how the surgery goes, hugs to you and positive thoughts!!

Sharynmarie,

Yes, it's very frustrating! I was thinking exactly the very same thing yesterday and had a talk about exactly what you said to my neighbor. Even though my sister is such a controller, I really try to give her the benefit of the doubt. But all through this latest saga, I've tried as I have in the past to send her articles about the stages of the ALZ, to send info. about the gallstones. By her statements, I can see that she probably does not even bother to read them. Last weekend when I went over there for the so called meeting too, I had mentioned to her how I had read over and over again that apples and beets seem to be the food that is recommended to do a gallstone flush. Now I'm not saying I'd want to do a flush on/mother. But I thought we could grate some beets in apple sauce, a recipe given. My thinking was possibly we could do something to soften up the matter and they'd flush eventually. But I know, people and I'm 'not just saying sister, want a quick fix. To do something as I've suggested takes some time, patience and the following through; none of which, my sister has for this condition. When I told her of this remedy, she had that typical full of doubt/cynical look on her face, as in "sure." As far as I'm understanding, mother will still have to be on a very restricted diet even after the gallbladder surgery. It is an important organ in the body, way more than most of the medical community gives credit to it, for the function it serves. If any of you are having issues with it, I urge you to do your research. There are liver/gallbladder flushes apparently that work wonders on the body.

On the other hand also, I try to put myself into my sister's shoes. She
lives w/mom, and does a great amount of caregiving. In all of that, I do realize she is the one who has to experience mom going through the pain, and not eating. I on the other hand only hear about it. Last night I received a call, telling me that mom was better, and now had eaten a bit of something. She did admit then, that it's becoming hard to make a judgment call too.

Anyway, despite all of this, I'm really trying to stay positive about today's events.

Thank you Sharynmarie, I know what you have to contend with regarding your own sister, so do I. Hugs right back, Much Love & Let There Be Light! Margeaux

Well, I'm up and mentally preparing myself to go to join my mom and sister for the event today.

Margeaux~It is frustrating isn't it. I think your sister kindly included all of you in the decision but she had already decided what she was going to do. I do dislike the dou ble talk as you do. From what you said about your mother's situation, it sounds like she will do well as long as there are no complications. Of course with dementia, the event can progress your mother which she could recover and return to what is normal for her or she could progress to some degree permanently. It is a difficult decision. Please let us know how your mom is doing, today is Wednesday so I assume the surgery was today. Sending you love and hugs!!

How terrible for you! Hope your Mom doesn't have to go to the hearing. If she has the AL/Dementia, it would probably be in her best interest not to have the confrontations.
Good luck!

Bonnie,

I'm am so happy for you, in that your mom will be coming home. This is very good news. I'll keep her in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have an older brother. He has done nothing to help with my Mom (except mooch off her). I suspected he was selling things of our late father's and pocketing some of the money. I was working on the computer & his email popped up. So I looked at it. Long story short, he found out, lost his temper and assaulted me. Got a Temporary Restraining Order and he is out of the house. My Mom has Alzheimer's and truly believes she saw what happened (she was in another room). She wants to testify for him at the hearing. So I have to drag out all her medical records to take to the hearing to show she is considered incapable of rational thought. The thing that really makes me angry is my brother took advantage of HER disease to get her to lie for him. There is nothing lower in my eyes.

in the past, I have asked him for help over and over and over. But he was always more concerned with his social life, than in spending a few hours here so I could attend a support meeting. I shouldnt be surprised. He is incapable of putting a dish in the dishwasher, so he did NOTHING for my Mom.

I have an older brother. He has done nothing to help with my Mom (except mooch off her). I suspected he was selling things of our late father's and pocketing some of the money. I was working on the computer & his email popped up. So I looked at it. Long story short, he found out, lost his temper and assaulted me. Got a Temporary Restraining Order and he is out of the house. My Mom has Alzheimer's and truly believes she saw what happened (she was in another room). She wants to testify for him at the hearing. So I have to drag out all her medical records to take to the hearing to show she is considered incapable of rational thought. The thing that really makes me angry is my brother took advantage of HER disease to get her to lie for him. There is nothing lower in my eyes.

in the past, I have asked him for help over and over and over. But he was always more concerned with his social life, than in spending a few hours here so I could attend a support meeting. I shouldnt be surprised. He is incapable of putting a dish in the dishwasher, so he did NOTHING for my Mom.

Bonnie that is great news!!