The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Finally, some good news to share~
My 94 yr. old mother with broken hip/now screwed together...is going home this Friday! Yup...out of the rehab after and directly home.
So excited for her! She will have to stay on the main level of the house until she gets better with her walking. Her PA has been with Mom at rehab learning all of the exercises from the PT and OT so will keep up the program. Plus there will be home nursing care and whatever else Mom needs as she continues to recover. Yeah!!! Thanks for the prayers. In this case...prayer did help.
Bonnie

I have yet to meet a family that is not dysfunctional! I have studied a lot of psychology and every family has it quirks no matter how loving they were there are still issues.

My family is just nuts! This caregiver lost it yesterday with some family members and I don't care if I hurt their feelings or not. I am not walking on egg shells for stupid people.

I realize I sound harsh, but I have a niece that likes to catch my husband on Facebook and ask him how her grandma is doing. She is too lazy to pick up the phone and call her grandma, but she can ask my husband. You see she doesn't like to talk to me because as the saying goes, the truth hurts.

Well my niece asked how grandma was doing. I told her how she was doing and that I sent a link via email out on the 7 stages of Alzheimer's that she needed to read and learn about what was happening with grandma. Then my niece says she wanted to see her grandma. I asked when she was coming to visit because I travel a lot with my mom. My mom does much better mood wise when we travel, she likes to see things.

Anyway, my niece said we are coming next week. I told her that grandma was not going to be home and that her house was going to be closed. Then my niece says I wish I was going on the cruise. Well this is when I started to get really upset. You see I have to spend 6 months to pay on a cruise for my mom. My mom loves to cruise and visit other countries, so I try to do it once a year as long as she is able, but it takes me a lot of time and money to make it happen. Every cruise my niece has gone on her mother has paid for and every time we go with them, they ruin it so we don't go with them.

But anyway, I told her she needed to plan her visits on when grandma was going to be home. My niece is in her 30's, but she listens to her controlling mother, my sister.

Anyway, my niece decided she was done talking to me. But I continued to send her a messages telling her what I thought of her bad behavior.

I don't care what my sister and her children think of me, if they don't like me that is fine. But I happen to know that my mom their mom and grandma would love to hear from them more frequently. So if I upset or hurt their feelings, oh well they will have to get over it or through it.

So this caregiver and this is how I am doing with my nutty family! My family is truly nuts and I am the black sheep, which is ok with me.

It's been up and down with mother the last few days since I went on Sunday. Gee, it's only Tues. So really not many days have passed in some way.
Yesterday, my sister called and honestly it was rather confusing. Mom's been on the waiting list (which really meant she'd be in for surgery) tomorrow Wed. We'd agreed (siblings) on Sun., we weren't going to put mom through the Laparoscopic surgery. Now, Tues. morning I just got a call from my sister informing me that mom is going in for surgery tomorrow Wed.

So of course I had questions, such as, is she complaining about the pain? My sister said, that the pain doesn't go away. Now she says, that mom is hardly eating. How does this happen so fast? On Sun., according to my sister,
she claimed mom ate great, etc. The other thing is that mom has been prescribed Vicodin when the pain gets bad. My sister says this knocks her out!
Anyway, I'm not doing the blame game here, but oh, does all of this info. by my sister confuse the heck out of me.

The doctors think that mom will do o.k with the surgery.
They said that her vital signs are good, no diabetes or other such illnesses.
I have very mixed feelings about this right now. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

The walk through your mother's house must have been very hard for you.
It's kind of like a passing of sorts. I don't know if I could have done that.
I know and feel it very much that you've been more emotionally attached to your mom compared to your sister.

Now, have you taken the vacation to Big Sur yet, w/your husband?
If you have not, I think a trip as such would really do you some good.
Things are going to be distinctly different now, that your mom is in the AL.
Try to at least re-focus some of the energies you've been giving to your mother,
to yourself and your personal priorities. Your mother is going to be fine.
This is a time for adjustments, and letting go. Stay strong, Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Bonnie~Sis is so bogged down with the paperwork for all the financial that I'm just trying to help out. She, however, is not as emotionally tied to mom as I am so she isn't having the reaction I am. I call the security company and have set it up for this Sat. btwn 12-3 so she will have to be there since I will be at work. Everything is set except I have to wait for sis to call me back with mom's credit card number or debit. This is why I wanted her to do this because I knew I wouldn't have all the info they would want. I can only do what I can do, but at least they are going to call me back btwn. 5:30-6:00 tonight. I'm not so much complaining about sis as much as I am just so depressed and tired. The community called me about mom's meds. They added the Spiriva and cholesterol medication back to her list. I don't know if mom will have shortness of breath this summer since she won't be doing any yard work or lifting or carrying hoses around and it is only in the summer months that she experiences this but I figure it is better to be safe so she is comfortable.

Sharyn, you must be exhausted physically and emotionally!
Most important to take good care of yourself right now.
Maybe your sister can do some of the things she keeps asking you to do?

On family meetings: No in-laws required. If an in-law is going to be involved with the "issue" (like partner in caregiving) then by all means s/he should be party to the discussions.
I think it would come down to the siblings to try to work out responsibilities and make decisions.
The last thing any family would need is an obnoxious in-law mouthing off during a difficult period.
Decision makers should be those that are responsible for the decision's outcome.

Margeaux~Good for you for heading that conversation off at the pass. It really makes it hard on a marriage when the family of origin butts in, I know, I've been there. As far as family meetings go, I agree that spouses should not be a part of it unless the spouse is valued by the family and totally accepted as a family member. This does not happen often with in-laws. I kept my hubby out of things simply because of the family history. He helped move the furniture on Saturday, but he had no contact with my mother. I hope your sis can follow the diet and make those changes for your mom's benefit. I am sure you are feeling some relief now that everyone agreed to the diet over surgery. Hang in there and keep us posted. Hugs to you!

Joan~Glad to hear you are feeling better and getting away for a few days, a few days away is always recharging. Adding your name to her accounts is a good response to get her to go to her financial adviser. The eye roll was a good touch for some relief even though she couldn't see that over the phone. I would be concerned it could open the door for accusations towards you too. Enjoy your trip and hugs to you!!

Bonnie~Sorry to hear mom has a UTI. Those infections can be troublesome. I sounds like she is doing good other than the infection. By all means, keep her away from those banana peels!Hugs to you Bonnie, keep us up to date!!

I woke up today with the hitting the wall feeling emotionally. To top it off, since I don't go back to work til Thursday, sis wants to me get a security system installed in mom's house because she doesn't want to miss any work or less arrange for them to do it on a Saturday. I honestly don't want to do anything. I am feeling such a deep loss, seeing mom will be too hard by myself right now til she adjusts more, I don't want to go to mom's house either after the flood of emotions yesterday. I hope this passes before I go to work Thursday.

So yesterday was a rather big day! Before I headed out to my sister's and mom's house for this meeting with all the siblings about mom's surgery, I called my sister.
I mentioned to her that my husband and me were on our way. She then somewhat reacted to my telling her my husband was accompanying me on this visit. She said, "Oh, your bringing your husband." I thought I didn't have to mention to you, that we were going to meet just the siblings." She then informed me, that she'd suggested this to our younger brother, re: his wife, since she's so opinionated, and didn't wish to have the SIL, (my sis has issues w/her) no less attend this meeting. Oh, was this ever awkward for me, now, especially with my husband!
I told my sister, and somewhat even apologized to her for not thinking regarding having my husband along, but this was only associated to an earlier visit on Fri.,
in which he and I were going to check in on mother. Well, Fri's. visit got cancelled because my sister had a docs. appt., that day. So it was easy for to think, if hubby wants to see mom, he can see her on Sun.

So now, I had to think how I was going to "uninvite," my husband w/o it looking awful towards him, as in the in laws are being left out. He was still waking up, and I had the feeling that
,he had mixed feelings about going anyway. He then asked me, "Do you want me to go?" I think this question came up too, because he knew what we were going to talk about. I took his cue, and told him, "Honey, maybe today, I should just go by myself." Truth be told I felt a bit of tension on my part, as to how he may take this. You see, sometimes with my husband, he means well, but he thinks he can give just anyone advice/and opinions.
So how do any of you feel when it has to do with these kinds of discussions between siblings, and the exclusion of the husbands/wives? I know this is a rather sensitive area. I'm really curious about this. But I also feel that in certain circumstances it is just wiser not to have these extra people at these meetings.

Anyway, the meeting was very quick. We all agreed, mom is too elderly for this surgery. We'd rather approach it through the diet. My brothers left, and I stayed there a few more hours with my sister and mom. So I made more suggestions with the diet. I did have to mention though that giving mother too many eggs, as a breakfast choice, may not be a good idea. As we know the yolks have cholesterol. Egg whites are o.k. Some stones are comprised of cholesterol.

Well, after my brothers left, my sister went on and on also about the SIL.
She of course told me that this was the only reason she'd thought my husband shouldn't come. Then, I came to discover that the SIL is having some gallstone attacks the last few days also. She's very overweight. So maybe at long last when she has to become educated about gallstones, she's finally going to get it.
But my sister is so obsessive when she starts to talk about the SIL. When the conversation started to go there, I had to bring up the fact that yes, she's difficult and all of that. But our brother too, behaves just as our dad did w/our mother,
and doesn't speak up. This is why things are the way there are between them.
Anyway, I had to head this conversation of at the pass, if you all know what I mean. That's my brother's business, NOT MINE! Margeaux

Emjo,

You definitely expressed my sentiments about mother and this difficult decision about the gallbladder surgery. I read many articles by experts and Laparoscopy,
as it relates to the geriatric population. The last time mom went the hospital, which was last week she check out good. The doctor told my sister she had no infection in the gallbladder. The pain was directly a result of inflammation of the stones, so in other words the surgery recommendation was totally elective.

So, yes it's going to be about diet. The thing is, given my sister's poor diet choices; they have all the high fat dairy and sausages loaded with sodium nitrate and such in their fridge. I notice with people like this too, that it's very easy to just pull out the processed foods, ready to go, compared to preparing foods which obviously take longer to prepare. This is going to be a re-direct on an education about diet in general, especially for my sister since she will be the main one in charge of feeding and also managing this with the caregivers.

Thank you very much for the information, Emjo.

Good to hear that the fibromyalgia is calming down.
I too, made some hamburgers the other day for husband and me. The last two days I know I've had inflammation on account of eating the red meat, and of course my sinuses get worse. So, unfortunately we all have to be the detectives with the diet.

Wow, could you be having some kind of breakthrough with your mom, she asking her bank what they think about putting you on her bank account? I'd roll my eyes too!

How great that you are going on a trip with Gary! I need a trip with my husband,
I haven't done this in quite some time! Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo, Things are about the same. Dh still has pre dementia, sister is still hateful, Mom still has dementia and it is getting worse. Mom will barely let the nurses in her room, won't change clothes, yells at people. As for me, I am better and not letting all this get to me. My therapist says I am co-dependent so I am working a codep program. One day at time.

Bless you!
Maybe the lady next door will prove to be a Godsent for your entire family. Maybe you can go "out" with the lady and her daughter along with your Mom some time?
Can't even imagine what it was like going through the house today. all the furniture moved around, the mess from packing and moving boxes. It must have felt very sad.
When my parents moved from their "honeymoon to Grandparenting" house to the house Mom still lives in I'll tell you what she and Dad did. We "kids" all moved things and were at the new place waiting for Mom and Dad. Hours later they arrived. Well, turns out they had painted the inside of their bedroom closets. I said " Why do that! and Mom said they wanted to say goodbye to their house and wanted the house to know it was loved! She said she and Daddy walked through the rooms and gave them all a blessing and thanked the house for being so good all the years.

Maybe saying Thank You is good for the heart.
Bonnie

Bro and I met up at the community by 10am. I had already put up the shower curtain and liner and had the maintenance supervisor up in mom's room putting up the mirrors, clock and programing the remote for the tv. The volume on the remote they provided yesterday didn't work, so I brought the comcast remote from mom's house and he programed it so everything works. Bro brought over a cordless phone and set that all up. An aid brought mom back to her apartment around 10:30 saying mom wanted to come back. I said because she is worried about the her dog? She said yes. Mom can't understand that her LTC policy is paying for this, bro and I reassured her over and over again that but she just won't accept it. I think her dog is adjusting better than mom but that is expected. A lady down the hall gave Midget a new toy, and the lady next door to mom introduced herself to mom and sis and I yesterday. She told mom if she needs anything to not hesitate to knob on her door. She said the she has been living here (AL) for a year. Her husband passed 2 years ago. She doesn't have any mental or physical issues just didn't want to live in her house with the upkeep. It turns out that this woman's daughter and I went to HS together. It's a small city. I was able to get mom the take her meds, I asked bro to stay while I did that since mom is less combative when he is around. Now for the emotional part! When we left, I went ot mom's house to look for the case for her hearing aids (she did find the hearing aids in her purse), and the recharger. So far I haven't found the cases. I made several phone calls to relatives back east letting them know what was going on, mom's new phone # and address. Being there by myself, it was like walking through memories. OMG!! I cried so hard, thinking about all the years we spent living here together, an end of an era even though mom is still living. I heard my brothers, my sister and me talking, whispering, the abuse, the good times. I talked to my dad, I watered the front yard. I realized that this is not about an abusive past, its about a family that it is entering an ending and a new beginning. Memories we cherish, traditions we carry on and pass on to our children and grandchildren. A home that may soon belong to someone we know nothing about and will they have the memories we do, will they take care of the home and treasure it as we did. So many emotions, so many memories. I can't even imagine what is going through my mother's mind...other than her feeling victimized. I know she has other feelings she would never truthfully share with us. I know that God is here is with me and that HE is with my mom as well. Hugs to everyone!!

Long day here..had two church services to attend for different reasons.
Thanks for asking about my mother.
She has been at the rehab place nearly a week (Monday). Her PT and OT seems to be going pretty well. As you may recall, she is 94 and broke her right hip on Good Friday as well as banging up her knee and her shoulder went out of it's joint. Poor little thing!!!
The Death becomes it hospital (I hate that place) used a catheder and now mom has an infection in the bladder. She started anti-biotics yesterday so wasn't in much of a mood to chat on the phone. She said she just didn't feel hungry so I urged her to eat something to avoid the side effects of the drugs. She said the PT person felt sorry for her so cut back on the amount of exercises she had to do yesterday.
As she doesn't hear well on the phone and was super tired, I just gave her my love and reminded her of Daddy's cure all...which is: Get something good to eat. Get rest/nap. If those two don't solve the problem, use the bathroom.
That usually worked for us as children!
She got a chuckle out of it, of course. So, she is doing her best. She says she is no where near stepping on a banana peeling so not to worry.
I did put a prayer request for her in church this morning. Can't hurt.
She reads the Washington Post every day as always. today is the big Sunday edition which usually takes Mom until noon ro read. As hubby and I didn't get back from church (then dinner) until just an hour ago (4pm here) it is too late to call her today.

Sharyn...my goodness...your Mom doesn't seem to mind causing a scene! Or does she only get "outspoken" when away from others to overhear her?
I can see why you need to be there to do the meds. Hope you will get the doctor to fax the data...plus give the poor woman some ambian! You need it too, I suppect!!!
This is going to be a tough few weeks for you so keep checking in with us so we can continue to bolster you!
hugs,
Bonnie

Cmag~I am so sorry that you are dealing with flashbacks and that your wife is having some issues again. It seems when we start to get things better, something else pops up that sets us back. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and your wife!!

Nothing much new here, but I am sticking with my walking program of 30-40 minutes every other day. My mother, step-dad, dad and step-mother continue to decline with their respective health problems and old age. My wife's health is back to being poor again which brings things very close to me feeling like I'm running assisted living here at home like it was for several months, but so far things have not gotten that bad. All in all, I carrying more stress than usual and fighting the usual ups and downs of bipolar disorder as well as flashbacks from my past.

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))) what a 5 ring circus!!! Thankfully your mum is there now. I know the words hurt even if you understand where they are coming from. Sounds like you and your sibs have your own health issues you need to attend to. Hope your mum is reasonable today, though I know she may not be. Do let us know how it goes, You sure will need a break after this.

Margeaux - what a predicament. You hate to see your mum in pain, but surgery at her age and in her condition would be worrisome. I did some searching and found a paper that says laparoscopy for gall stones after age 80 is better than not having it, and recovery is better if it is done sooner than leaving it longer as more hospitalizations are needed, and more complications can follow. Mother had some inflammation of her pancreas along with the gall stones, and that can be very dangerous. The age group studied was 84-96. On the other hand I fully understand your concerns about surgery at her age, and your desire to deal with it by diet. it seems like you are between a rock and a hard place.

book - hope your dad will settle down a bit
brandywine - how are things going?
bonnie w -wondering about your mum Can you give us an update.
Austin how are+ you?
cmag, and others let us know how u r.

Here we had more snow again. I seem to be getting the fibromyalgia under control -halleluiah! We are going away for a few days -another business trip. G's holidays were cancelled in March and in April as some things had to be done at work, so I don't know when he can take them. This is all "under the table" now anyway between his boss and him as they were supposed to be taken by the end of Feb. and they won't pay him out. I have had 10 emails from mother in the past few days about some unauthorized withdrawals from her account. I suggested she contact her financial advisor and then she told me she already has. and he will deal with it. (rolling eyes here) I said she may want to put me on her bank accounts so I can keep an eye on them. It would be wise if something happens to her. Surprisingly she said she will see what her bank thinks. She said she was in a den of robbers - I suppose she means her ALF. Perhaps they are charging her inappropriately for some things. She will never give me details, so I don't know what the problem is. What's new???
take care all - ((((((((hugs)))))))) Joan

I've been doing research about the Laparoscopic surgery that a doctor told my sister the last time mom was in the hospital for the gallstone flare-up. At first I mistakenly thought that by doing this procedure, ti would only remove the stones.
But it is actually to remove the entire gallbladder.

Given that mom is 92, and she does have a heart pacer and ALZ. So my sister and me are against putting her through this. I'm so happy that my sister feels as I do. Today, I'm going over to visit mom. All the siblings will be there, to discuss the decision to have mom go through with this .

Given my research, of course the older one is, the more likely that there could be complications taking their other illnesses into consideration, especially infection.
My sister agreed with me, that possibly we should give her some time to rest from recent flare-ups, approach it with the diet. So I'll go there w/some articles about the diet aspect. Mother is sticking to a vegetarian diet right now. I just hope that my sister refrains from eating, or offering her things like pastries (which that household always has),. Mom really has to keep the cholesterol down, because this is precisely what some gallstones are made of.

I went to a farmers market yesterday, and bought some beets. I'm going to shred some very finely and mix it with some apple sauce, since this seems to be one of the foods that heals her condition. Margeaux

Book~The whole day was very stressful and emotionally painful. Not just for us but for mom as well. Unfortunately, mom is the type of person who has never accepted that we as her family can't be her all in all. No one can be that for another person. The community nurse suggested we visit once a week in the beginning. I do have to go back today to give her the meds because they can't do it until the dr. faxes the med list to them. My sister just really wanted to bring as much of mom's belongings there and have everything as much like home as possible which is understandable. I think she wanted mom to walk in feel that it was like home. Mom told her that she hopes her (sis) life is miserable and that she suffers. She told me to never come to visit, she wanted nothing to do with me again. My nephew told me when we were all in the apartment, that he noticed when grandma talked to me, that she yelled more and was nasty to me, but not as much to sis. I just said because I am around her more so she is more comfortable being her true self with me. Brother couldn't really help with lifting and actual moving, he only has 60% lung capacity and he is a candidate for a hip replacement due to lower back issues...similar to my lower back issues....that is scary to me. Sis's blood sugar was dropping so she had to eat some cookies while we were packing up more of moms things. Anyway, bro just texted me, he and I will meet at the community in an hour so I gotta get showered. Take care and hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

I'm more than sure that this by no means could be an easy day for the loved ones of an elder that must be placed in AL. It really must have worked over your every last nerve. I know that you are way more nurturing in your approach with your mother than your sister is. your mother. She definitely falls somewhat below the standards of being tactful!

Now hopefully that she's going to benefit from the Expressions program, she'll possibly open a new avenue up for herself too. It could be that she starts to connect with other elders. It's important that no matter what, even you remind yourself of the positive side of what the AL has to offer to her.

I was listening to a radio show I love to listen to the other night. There was a speaker, and I don't recall her name, but she spoke to the exchange in energy between people, or events Basically she was tapping into a concept of remembering, instead of looking for all the sorry aspects about a situation, to at least find the good parts about it. You consciously think about it it send it out there. I'm doing this in my current situation with mom. I fess up, that it's no easy task, especially when you've a combative person to deal with. One day at a time.
But it sounds as if everyone came through this tough day, and that you had key people's support. Remember this was a personal victory for you, so celebrate this.

The decision when to visit her, is going to be challenging, and I know this goes without saying. About keeping some humor, this is what we do to keep our sanity. It's very important to keep our sense of humor about us. It's a mind saving tool. Stay strong, and many hugs!! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, well...mission accomplished. Unfortunately, when you're moving furnitures, it Does make a difference how to load it on the truck - use maximum space with less back-and-forth driving. Unfortunately, with the limited time you guys had - putting the furnishings in Perfectly - is Not an Option. Like you, I would have made the plans, dump it in, get rid of any that is too much for the room, etc... You can 'perfect' it later on.

On another note, I'm not sure how steady a reader you are on the YOU thread. But there were comments made when a poster just placed her parent in the NH or AL. She wondered why she was told NOT to visit for a week (?). She wanted to come back and see how her mom was doing. Other posters commented that when placing a parent in NH or AL, they need time to adjust to their new home. Hence the institution would prefer that family members refrain from visiting. Their visit will remind them of home and then they will want to go home. Depending on your AL rules, some prefer 1 - 2 weeks of no family visits. One poster said that her parent reacted just like yours. She listened to the 'no family visit' rule. When she finally visited for the first time, her mom had accepted the AL as her new home. Other posters, their parent will still ask every visit when they are coming home ..until they eventually stop asking or accept the new place as home.

Since your mom did not go into this willingly, I don't think it's wise that any family member visits her. Let her settle down and get the rhyhm of things. Because if this doesn't work out, and you let your heart rule your head, mom will end up living with you and hubby. Where else will she stay??? Give her time to adjust. I think while you do that, maybe you can search on this site how other caregivers handled situations like this. You can get the pros and cons...and act accordingly.

By the way, I know what you mean about finding it funny - only after the event. I forgot an incident that happened like that. I wanted to post it here but thought that the readers would Not find it funny and condemn me for my viewpoint (after the fact.) Thanks for updating us. HUGS!!!

Hi Everyone!!
I want to thank you all for your well wishes for today. Throughout the day, I thought about the things you have all said to me this last week and it helped me to preserve and push myself to keep going.
I was at mom's by 9:20am. I had no problem getting her to go out shopping with me. I told her we would look for a wall clock for her kitchen. I kept her browsing from aisle to aisle and dept. to dept. She was negative the first hour. By 10:30 I wanted to give her a 1/2 a Xanax because I couldn't take much more but decided to wait. She became quiet and just strolled around with me. After an 1 1/2 hours she started getting antsy wanting to go home, worried about her dog. I sent a text to my hubby telling him mom was getting antsy. I bought a wall clock with large numbers and no background pictures on it, a shower curtain, shower liner, hooks, batteries for the clock and her hearing aids. We left Target, went to home depot. I was looking for those 3M strips to hang pictures because I didn't think the community would allow us to use small nails to hang the clock or pictures. I sent a second text ( hadn't heard back yet from hubby), told him to tell sis I was taking mom to lunch and to meet us at Applebee's. By this time it was 11:30...two hours with my mom and I was running out of ideas to stall her until everything was moved.Hubby finally texted me back saying they just left with the first truck load 1 1/2 hours into our shopping excursion! I thought what is taking them so long...3 trucks,4 men and 1 woman...what are they doing??? I texted him back saying I can't stall her any longer, I am taking her to lunch. Mom and I had lunch and were getting back into my car when sis and bro pulled into the parking lot. Things just didn't go as smoothly as we had hoped and planned for. Mom was suspicious the whole time and she followed me to the parking lot to where sis and bro were. Sis just blurted out to her we moved her furniture and we were taking her to AL. Mom became combative, arguing. We told her if she didn't agree to this because dr.'s have stated you cannot live alone anymore, the state would step in and place her somewhere not as nice as the place we picked out for her. This is true to some degree since APS is aware of mom's situation and they have been in contact with me. and will follow up on it. I got mom back in my car, she wanted to go HOME, she wanted her DOG. Sis had told mom that the dog was at her new apartment. I got a text from bro that he and sis were going to mom's house to get the dog. More delays...I got to the community, mom was very angry. It took about 15 minutes before sis and bro got there with the dog. Mom sat in a chair crying. She doesn't cry often but when she does, I cry too (I'm too emotional).Finally bro and sis get there and we to up to mom's apartment. She continued being combative, accusing us of just wanting her house for ourselves. Then my nephews came back with a last load. During lunch I gave her a Tylenol and 1/2 a Xanax. After we were all there for about 45 minutes, sis and I went back down stairs to finish filling out all the paperwork. My bro came down a couple times and he said mom was making up her bed and putting some things away. Wow!!! What a change?? It was about 3:45 when we finished the paperwork. Hubby was already out of the way so mom could not target him. Nephews and bro left. Sis decided we needed to go back to mom's house to get some more things. We were gone about 1 hour. When we brought up 4 more boxes of mom's belongings, she became combative again, yelling at us, arguing, accusing. We decided to go down for dinner to distract her. After dinner we took mom and dog for walk around the community. Nothing was working, as soon as we got back in her apartment she started in again. I gave her another 1/2 Xanax at dinner. It's now 7pm. Sis and I are trying to unpack the 4 boxes we brought over. As quickly as we unpacked,mom was repacking with other things. She was going home no matter what!! While all this was going on, I went down stairs looking for an aid so I could get mom's meds (antidepressant and Namenda). It took a while but I finally found one. Telling her that mom was very upset, combative and I needed to get her meds to her before I leave. I don't know if I posted that mom's dr. did not fax back to the community the meds that she takes, so I have to give them to her until Monday. The aid found them, I told her I wanted her to go with me to mom's apartment because of the situation. She went with me, I tried to give mom the meds, she accused me of trying to poison her. The aid talked with mom. Mom told her that when she takes these meds, she has pain in her left arm. She told mom, would you take them for me just tonight and I will call the dr. tomorrow about it. She said ok. I gave her the meds. The aids wanted to get mom's BP and weight, so I went to give mom a hug...she turned her back on me saying I don't know you, get away from me!!
Now I have to tell you all...when mom was giving sis and me a hard time, at one point my mom got right in sis's face stomping her foot saying, I don't want to stay, I want to got home. Sis got right back in mom's face stomping her foot saying this is where you live now.I laugh about this now but it was not funny at the time. You know I told mom when we were walking the dog, "the more you fight this, the harder it is going to be for you". I told my hubby if they had a camera recording us in mom's apartment, they would have laughed at us unpacking frantically, and mom repacking just as frantically.Tomorrow mom will start the Expressions program and while she is busy in the memory care unit, aids will come by her apartment to walk the dog!! The janitor will be there tomorrow and I will have him put up two mirrors what match her dresser, give her the meds and have lunch with her. The delays were a result of different perspectives...mine was to just move her furniture and necessities...sis's was to have everything moved and in place perfectly. Hubby told me sis was packing all mom's clothes in her dresser drawers not thinking how much heavier it was making it for them to move it. Sis said the delay was because the men wanted to be the bosses and they took a lot of time talking about how to load the trucks, LOL!!! I say such is life...we got through today. Tomorrow is a another day...I have more I want to share but I will wait maybe tomorrow. Thank you all so much..I love you all and am so thankful for your support!! Hugs!

((((((((sharyn))))))) thinking of you too - big transition today, lots of feelings...

I'm thinking of you and family, too!
Hope all goes as well as it possibly can.

Let us know!

Sharynmarie,

I sure an thinking about you today. Have you moved your mother yet?
Let us know how it went. Meanwhile, a big hug and thinking about you.
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Hi Letmebe..uhm...wow, she's only 74 years old. Since you're just venting, I won't say anything more. However, if you need to vent and get some feedback from us, please let us know and give us more info of the family dynamics.

I will say one thing though about your sister. Father and I had caregiven mom for about 25 years. In all those years, I have begged, asked, threatened (to leave the parents and in the end to commit suicide) for their help. NOTHING! So, all I can say is - please don't look or ever plan to think that your sister will help. Unless a miracle happens and she decides to help. So for now, it's just you and your mom. So sorry that you're going thru this alone (?)

If you ever do decide that you really, really need help with your mother, you can check your local area for alzheimer organization, senior citizen centers, etc...for some respite (get away) from caregiving your mom - to maintain your sanity....Hope today looks better than yesterday! Take care...

Trust - I don't care for music/talk show radio all day. I like to watch HLN or CNN news, Undercover Boss, etc... while on my laptop. It sure makes caregving more pleasant. But, I've reached a point that I miss reading my books. I have put off reading since I found this site last June. So, last night, I took out my unread books from the large box and organized it by authors/series and the order of reading it. Starting today, I will go start reading my books. I sure miss it! Just watch...father will go back to complaining that my book comes first before him! =)

I have recently moved my 74 year old mother into my home. She was not the nicest mother when I was a kid, and now I find myself dealing with many emotions from my childhood. My sister is no help as they are estranged from each other. I sometimes wish I was estrange from my mother too. She criticizes me, hates living with me and questions many things I do. She is in the early stages of "vascular dementia" , but refuses to believe anything is wrong with her. She is suspicious of everyone , worries constantly over everything, and is in general driving me crazy!!! I want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for letting me vent........

husband with dementia, I had to shut the TV off because he became so agitated watching it with all the tv coverage of the situation. Put cheerful DVR on for him to calm and forget...one never knows how far reaching situations like this reach and who it will emotionally affect, especially the vulnerable.

Bonnie~Mom locks the bedroom door because she is afraid. Yes, I want her to be safe and feel safe.

Sharyn,
How terrible for you to have that worry earllier today. did Mom say why she had locked the bedroom door? She seems to be very afraid, doesn't she.
You are certainly going to be in my prayers knowing this is hard on you.
Can you develop a mantra to get yourself through this? "This move is so good for Mom"
"Mom will be safe and happy in her new home"
"Knowing Mom will be safe and cared for makes me confident and thankful"

Keep positive and let that attitude come through in your interactions with your Mom and siblings. You want your Mom to feel she is on an adventure or at a resort vacation. How lucky for her to have the wherewithall to afford such a lovely place! so on and so forth.
She will "pick up" your sentiments and take clues from your voice and actions...Smile as much as possible, talk softly and send her good vibes.

Will continue to look for your posts. Everything will be okay, sharyn and it is great your husband is helping with the move. You can sure rely upon him, can't you!
Maybe you two could go to the ocean again, soon?
Bonnie

Keep yourself on a