notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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How terrible for you to have that worry earllier today. did Mom say why she had locked the bedroom door? She seems to be very afraid, doesn't she.
You are certainly going to be in my prayers knowing this is hard on you.
Can you develop a mantra to get yourself through this? "This move is so good for Mom"
"Mom will be safe and happy in her new home"
"Knowing Mom will be safe and cared for makes me confident and thankful"
Keep positive and let that attitude come through in your interactions with your Mom and siblings. You want your Mom to feel she is on an adventure or at a resort vacation. How lucky for her to have the wherewithall to afford such a lovely place! so on and so forth.
She will "pick up" your sentiments and take clues from your voice and actions...Smile as much as possible, talk softly and send her good vibes.
Will continue to look for your posts. Everything will be okay, sharyn and it is great your husband is helping with the move. You can sure rely upon him, can't you!
Maybe you two could go to the ocean again, soon?
Bonnie
Keep yourself on a
But instead of creating in our own minds more unfortunate circumstances, all the "what ifs." let's instead send out energies that the guy on the loose is caught!
Margeaux
On Thurs., she was scheduled for two appointments. The first one w/her primary care doctor, the second with the gallstone specialist. The gallstone specialist advised that she needed to be hospitalized, and monitored. So my sister had to spend another long day/night at another hospital. By the time she called me to convey all of this, she told me the doctor said she was not a candidate for Gallbladder surgery. I guess the gallbladder itself, is checking out in good condition. However, he was talking about the Laparoscopic method to address the gallstones. Anyway, he still needed some info.-tests taken the night before from the ER, so mom was sent home w/my sister very late last night. They did give her Morphine for the pain.
So now we are at being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Mother has had several flare ups with the intense pain. One can just imagine if they've had to prescribe Morphine, and Vicodin. So now after the doctor clears all necessary tests for pre-op, right now it looks as if the situation could be pointing towards a Laparoscopic procedure. I do have my very mixed feelings about ANY surgical procedure possibly done on her. But I definitely concur with my sister, I do not want my mother in excruciating pain. Ay yay yay!, Oy vey! Anyway, I'm going to do a search about this. Margeaux
I worry about the people in their homes. What if he breaks in? Or he knocks and a child rushes to open the door? I hope no one with dementia wanders out - to do their every day thing. I hope everyone is hunkered down and have some kind of hiding place with lots of self-defense weapons. I hope no more civilians get hurt.
A lot of info is coming out on the bombers I just hope no one is killed. Two security officers werekilled aswell.
Alas, mom is not accepting it, she finally called me about the subject at hand 10 minutes ago. We will go through with the move and see how she reacts with them. She usually does not create problems with people she sees as authority figures. She will try to assert herself but does not become nasty like she does with us. While all this is going on, I am grateful that mom still has a fight within, it gives me hope that she will comply and thrive. I have more respect for my dr. as we have journeyed through this because I felt for quite some time that he was not very supportive to me and sis. I have learned that even though he is a dr., he has limitations of what he can actually do to help us emotionally in a personal way. Unfortunately, we have to learn a lot of things the hard way because there is no manual on what questions to ask to get the right answers, what we should do next, is it time to place a parent, should I call for hospice?? Thank you Book, you always are supportive even when you have your hands full. Luv you and hugs!! Sharyn
Sharyn, you have a very good and caring doctor. I went down memory lane and still remember how your mom was when I first found this site last year June. So much has changed in both our situations. HUGS!!! Book
It has been 1-1/2 hours since I took her home...so far no phone calls. I am not expecting her to accept the situation totally but maybe the dr. helped her see that she needs more help than we can give her.
When I go to mom's house, she is not difficult...I don't think she realizes I am the same person she yells at on the phone.
Thanks. It looks like she's getting her appetite back.
I'm so glad, too. My sister was getting like a drill sergeant with the way she'd give mom the Ensure. She wanted this small lady to drink it down in one sitting just before bed. To me, this seemed rather cruel, given mother hadn't eaten hardly a thing for several days. My sister could be way more gentle in her approach.
Yes, a surgery could be too much for mom. Let's see what they tell her.
I fear if they advise to do this, I'm going to have more than a tiff with my sister.
Who knows. I'll just have to cross that bridge, when I come to it.
I hope you're doing better, Emjo. Hugs & Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Talk about dysfunction!! The brother of the deceased got up to say a few words about his sister. He said something like, "Our sister X, was a good woman, and she started in the ghetto....." He was then interrupted by our friend, (the one we were supporting), and she said, "Correction." She (their sister), was not from the ghetto." Apparently, our friend took offense to this term. She's a rather difficult personality, (part of reason, I'm no longer very close). Anyway, my other friends and I, had a moment of feeling embarrassed for the brother. We also found it comical. Really, it was rather sad to see this too. Margeaux
Originally, she'd told me that if I wanted to go with them to the appointment, I could. But yesterday I asked her about it, what time it was, etc. She now gave me the, "it's at 4:00 p.m., in the afternoon. The time is going to pose a problem for me, because I live way on the other side of town, and this is rough traffic.
She sounded as if she was trying to say, that it wasn't necessary to go with them.
Anyway, I doubt that I'll be able to make it. But I'm wondering why now, she was backing down? I can never understand my sister! Margeaux
Wow! Your last post couldn't help but take me back to the days of our narcissistic aunt. Remember her?? It is good of "H," to have spoken to your mom about the AL. What a great attitude she has about this subject.
O.K., hang in there, my dear. It does at least sound like some of this may be sinking in if she mentioned it to you. I hope so.
Have a wonderful vacation, you've more than earned and need it!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
When this post came across, I thought about the scenero. My mother was a strong woman, my father was hardworking, but silent person, rarely rose his voice. looking back he was totally absent emotionally, I know he loved me under the faciad, but coming from a old country style of living, it was not thought of to show anyone your emotions as that would be demeaning. I knew my mother loved me, she showed it in physical ways (Hugs, etc), but emotionally she did not. Then I went from that environment into a marriage of an emotional/verbal abuser (it took me many years to recogonize this) brought 3 children into the mix. and now as adults they are voicing what they dealt with growing up. I am like OMG how could I be so blind to the scerano. No there was NEVER the drugs or alcohol involved, or divorce. but I attempted to leave/divorce my spouse twice, he again "convinced" me he would change (never happened) Now I am his caretaker of this person. My daughter is divorced from a "passive agressive, alcoholic, gambler" they have a little boy who is being bantered about because of the fathers issues. My one son has gone the faith/religious way, my other son, dislikes me becausea I moved his father away from him, and I am a hateful person, who it is difficult to speak to. When does this cycle cease? This post has brought up numerous memories, many of which are a challenge to become aware of......
I am glad to hear your mom is eating better. I know how the not eating is a big concern with our elderly loved ones. They need the nutrient packed foods to keep up their strength and when they start to loss it, it is so much harder and longer to gain it back. Keep us updated on your mom, the appt. and how you are doing. Love and hugs to you!!
She had oatmeal, a soft cooked egg, with toast. I was so happy to hear this.
I hope she continues to improve her appetite. Margeaux
This is very good advice your friend, the psychologist has given you.
No matter the participators or non-participants I feel that every party should partake in at least having the choice of taking your mom to the ALF. I think many times too, maybe certain people don't speak up, because they're used to non-participation by some. Whether it's because as in your case that your sister has her health issues, or she lives 45 mins. away, or, whether as you've said a brother is estranged. Unless they know how important this is,, they're just going to sit back and leave it to you, the party in the family who usually takes action.
By them, you've asserted yourself. Now they know, and the choice is up to them.
I'm looking at things this way w/mom's case. I who don't live w/mom, but would appreciate that my sister be more transparent w/me about developments as to mom's current changes in her health. When she hides things from me, or I find things out later, I feel dissed and left out. Anyway, I don't know if I'm even making any sense. But I just wanted to share something that went on like a light bulb in my head and how I see some similarities about people and some of the issues we are experiencing right now. I was shocked when my sister finally invited me to mom's doctor's appointment. The other day, I became kind of bold, and told her too that I'd appreciate it, if she'd call me is being taken to the ER, and such.
Normally, I'd just keep quiet and not say anything, but I thought it high time to speak up.
O.K., I'm very happy that hopefully it got through to your sister, and I hope she and your brothers participate in supporting you on this day. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux