The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book~I looked at a few of Teepa Snow's videos. She has a good approach and it is probably worth ordering her videos to get the full benefit. I didn't see any that were marked as video 1 video 2, etc. Thanks for sharing..will check it out further.

LilDebb39~What a horrible situation you are dealing with. Please come back and tell us more so we can offer support. I agree that getting that all mighty inheritance is not what is all about, unfortunately, many sibs want what they believe they deserve just because they are related. I have a brother who estranged himself from the family. He is entitled to his inheritance because that is what mom wants. He has to live with that know that he blocked not only my parents from his life due to the abuse, but he also blocked his siblings who did not abuse him. I am like you...I get what I get and I do for my mother what I need to do to see that she gets quality care and that I can still be a part of her life in a positive way. Bless you and Hugs to you!!

It really is quite sad when a loved one becomes sick, and here comes the dysfunction and drama! I never though in a million years that my father's family would treat me the way that they have. My husband is Active Duty Army for 26 years now and I have been with him for 17 of those years.
We have been stationed everywhere and it has been tough to get home to visit...but I always spent 2 weeks with dad each summer.
Recently found out my brother stole my fathers will, when dad was in the hospital. He found out Dad's net worth and flipped. He saw what we were getting and what Dad had and was mad!! I look at WHATEVER I may get as a GIFT!, dad didn't have to give me anything ! I am not owed anything! My Brother wants it all! So, in Feb. I had to leave IN because I was threatened.
As for my dad's family, they allowed to let my brother influence them, so I do no consider those people my family. Act like an adult and come to judge me by your interaction with me!! Not by gossip! Boy oh boy, I could write a book!!

Hi Nimommy, vent away. Alcoholics will never see that their behaviors are a problem until they hit rock bottom. And even then, no guaranty it will make them want to change and improve. So, I'm just glad that your mom is temporarily in your home until you find a place for her. Best to find one fast before she decides that she likes your place so much better. From another poster, they made the mistake of "babying" their "temporarily placed" parent. They cleaned after her, washed her laundry, cooked all the meals. They treated her as a real guest. Parent loved it so much, she refused to move out! Now they are trying to un-do their pampering. Just wanted to give you a heads-up on this.

Sharyn, I hope you and hubby enjoy your 36th anniversary! Go have fun. Your mom's situation can wait until Tuesday.

Bradywine~ Welcome to the dysfunctional thread!! I am sorry you are going through all this with your sister. I have read some of your posts on other threads regarding keeping your privacy on here because you feared your sister was posting on this site too. Please come back and share with us, vent, offer support. We are here for you!!

Dang!! I submitted before I was done...you me and my long winded posts, LOL!!
I am on vaca next week, Yay!!! Monday hubby and I are going over to the coast...Big Sur, Ca. There is a short, easy 1/2 mile hike to an overlook of the Pacific Ocean with a waterfall...Mcway Falls (you can google Mcway Falls, Big Sur, Ca.) I want to get some pics of it as well as the rugged coastline. I asked hubby today what time do you want to leave since I like to get there early for pics with the foggy coastline. He said, well maybe we will find a place to stay the night. It is funny when you ask a man a question and they never answer it!! I said, what do you mean, are you thinking of leaving when I get off work tomorrow night driving half way there?? It is a 3-4 drive but so well worth it. He said lets just play by ear and see what happens!!! He does not like to plan things in advance, where I like having a plan. I will not complain because he is willing to leave early enough for my liking and if we find a place to stay the night that is reasonable...so be it. Tuesday is our 36th wedding anniversary, I am not too old for an adventure even if we don't stay the night...just getting out for day will be great for me.

I'm glad this topic came up. My mother moved in with us and her drinking is really getting to me. Both my parents were alcoholics my whole life and I was aware of it but I guess i ignored it. Couldn't do anything about it while under their roof. But mom's drunk every night in front of my kids and I"m angry. I have talked to her about it, so did my husband and she honestly doesn't see what the problem is. It doesn't bother her being drunk in front of her grandkids. I'm not really looking for answers because she's living here just until I find her her own place. It does feel good to vent to people who are in the same (or similar) boat. Thanks!

I ended up having to call my sis. The community called me about the medical info the dr. filled out. He check on the questions that mom was a wonder risk, inappropriate behavior and sundowning. She told me that these 3 issues are a liability risk for them in AL.I told her I would pick on that page from them on Tuesday and give it to the dr. on the 18th...asking if he checked these because it could happen or if he thinks it is happening. I don't see it as a problem. I asked her about my email regarding the day we move mom and she said she understands and that is common sense...she just didn't see it till I pointed it out... Heavy sigh of relief!!!

Sharyn, Teepa Snow has a very unique way of teaching about dementia. I may cringe on how she does it - but that's because I'm the shy person who hates attention to be called on me. However, she DOES tell the people who attend her seminars/teachings to tell her that you don't want to be "chosen" in her teaching/lectures, and she will respect your wishes.

But if you do check it out, there is like Video 1 - whatever number. Start in the beginning because these videos are broken up into segments. Not sure if the reason it's broken up into segments because of some YouTube time limit requirement for videos. So, it's broken up.

With your mom's dementia getting worse, I think you and your sister would benefit from it. She helps us to understand what is happening to the person with dementia and why they do and say what they do. And so we have to be the "adult" when it comes to responding to them. But in a very Subtle way so that we don't insult our parent.

Joan~Thank you for your support. I still haven't heard a peep out of my sister and I will not call her as she never answers the phone on the weekends or weekday evenings.

I do appreciate what sister does do as I would not want to deal with the finances. If it were me, I would hire a financial planner or a cpa to do it since I really suck at paperwork. I know she is being run ragged right now with all the changes on mom's accounts, contacting the LTC, and both of us in contact with the community getting all the paperwork in order. I do feel the need to set boundaries around my time once mom is moved. I fear if I don't, sis will expect me to continue to take her shopping weekly, tend all her dr. appts. and once again, my time will not be used to enjoy anytime with my mom or to deal with my own life. Even with setting boundaries, if she does not feel up to coming down here, she will send an email stating so and I will have no choice. This is what angers me about her. I hope the new meds help to get you back on track...dang that snow and cold that keeps coming your way. We are warming up bouncing back and forth between 70's and 80's, I actually used the a/c the other day when it got up to 86. It got rather hot in the house by evening with no delta breezes to cool things down.

Margeaux~Good for your sister asking you to go to the dr. appt. I hope you can find out a little more about what is going on with your mom.

Book~It must have been very tiring for you with all that was going on leading up to your mom's funeral. I will have to check out utube and Teepa Snow, you have me curious now.

Hang in there everyone and I hope you find some time this weekend for yourselves. Hugs to all!

Hi Emjo,

Yes, it was just absolutely too much for mom. I know for myself it felt like a forced issue. I have been thinking about the fact that mother's conditions and the level of care could now be more demanding. Just because some seniors are cared for in the home, isn't a sure guarantee, that people caring for them have all of the answers, or even have a clue in the necessary areas of concern, either.
Well, I'm going to take some deep breadths.

It's good to hear from you Emjo. I hope the adjustments to the meds is all positive, and the weather improves out your way. I know it's been a long winter for many people. Hugs to you, my dear! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You are spot on with regards to the analysis about my sister.
There really isn't much that I can do to help/change this situation with her, because she won't let me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You recently wrote about the dysfunction going on with your sister, and your role.
If I'm correct. I think you mentioned something such as, the fact that you didn't want to be the primary caregiver, and that you do what you do for your mom because you want to. You also acknowledged the fact that your sister is better at keeping track of accounts, because she is better at this. I too, feel this way, at least in the area of the financial concerns. I would not be able to handle this part of the responsibilities. Accounting and math are not my strong points. Along these lines, I do give my sister a lot of credit for the management of such.

I am not the primary, one reason is that I wasn't selected for this, and in our family's case required whomever was, (sister) to move into the family home w/mom and now deceased sister 4 and half yrs. ago to manage their care. Never the less, I do whatever I can. But lately I'm really feeling like limiting some of this too, since my sister's need to control is really getting OLD! Isn't this weird too, because my sister will always make it look only as if I'm unwilling to have more input, instead of looking at her own selfish behavior.

But right now, with all the developments about mom's health and visits to the ER twice in one week, I wish my sister would slow down, and stop being so rash in her judgment calls, thereby further stressing out my mother. Even that day I went there I found out, that my sister had sent mom to a nail salon with the caregiver during the day. What kind of priority is this, in light of the fact mother is ailing, please tell me.

Thank you Sharynmarie also for all of your insights.
O.K., we'll see.....mom has an appointment next Thurs. My sister for the first time said that if I wanted to go w/her, I could. I couldn't believe it!
Take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, I hate taking pills. Doesn't matter if it's regular vitamins or prescriptions. I don't like taking meds. Every illness I get, I google it, read up on everything, and then go "natural." If I can prevent taking GasX, I will do so. Tylenols only taken when I can no longer think because the pounding head is too overwhelming. I still have my notes for Acid Reflux/Gerd. It's terrible to constantly be having acid reflux. I know that eventually, I will be needing meds for my Reflux. But that's my fault, too, because I like to do late night snackings. A definite no-no. I try to eat dinner by 8pm - deadline for any heavy eating. (From my research.) It's also hard Not to snack after 8p because when my stomach is empty - I get acid reflux! I just wished your sister could just do this for your mom. Those Reflux can feel as if you're having a heart attack. That's how bad the pain can get.

Ensure is way toooo sweet. I think there must be a better way to get nutrition. You may get it quickest that route, but what is the side effects of all that sugar? I never really Googled much on Ensure since it's not something that I needed to find out about. When father reaches that stage, I will Google info on it and alternatives. It's just way too sweet for him. He doesn't like sweets and his teeth is giving him problem. Eventually, I will need to research it. I tried grinding his food. He hated it. So that's out. He prefers liquid food....Thanks, Margeaux

Bookluvr,

How are you doing? I was also wondering how your dad was handling the recent loss of your mother. I'm sure there are many adjustments going on right now for you.

Thank you so much for the suggestion concerning my mom's current condition.
She's suffered very much with acid reflux. Definitely, I know that any of the cruciferous vegetables, (broccoli, cabbage, bruss. sprouts, cauliflower), cause gas. In her condition since she's having fluctuating pain from the gallstones, I don't think it's at all a good idea to give her these. I was rather stressed on this visit and forgot to read the ingredients in the Ensure. I think, any of the prepared nutritional drinks also contain preservatives, and maybe extra sugar, which irritates an already sensitive stomach.

I thought of exactly what you suggested Book, keeping track of what she's eating, and see if there's a flare up with the pain. While I'm not there on a daily basis, all I can do is suggest. Next time I go down there will probably be Monday of next week, so we'll see how mom is doing. Again, thank you so much for this great advice, you know your stuff. You are in my thoughts, take care!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Joan, father keeps blaming older sis for calling the wrong person. He says that she should have called the hospital instead of 911. He blames the fire dept for coming here. It should have been the ambulance not the fire dept. He has become more demanding, ordering us around and expecting us to do it. I put a stop to THAT one.

He said that mom was beautiful (in her coffin at the Viewing.) He said that she looked like she was sleeping. He said that mom looked more beautiful dead than alive. Then he said that "someone" was doing bad things to mom while she was alive. (He believes the spirit possessed mom and changed her looks. Now that she's dead, the spirit left her body, and we are now seeing her Real Looks.) Remember, father is going thru senility fast since his stroke.

Since mom's passing away, there is such a BIG load off my shoulders. I can feel it immediately. I'm still exhausted but not the kind that I was experiencing when caring for Both bedridden parents. But, I can tell that father will be giving me more problems than mom as he goes thru his senililty. Mom has always been finicky about hygiene. She did her darn best not to poop on her Depends pamper until we started changing it. The minute it came off, she started pooping like crazy - so much came out. Even up to this year, she would hold it in until changing time. That's how ingrain her finicky hygiene was - even deep into her dementia.

However, father is starting. And he is touching his poop, spreading it all over - back, front, upper stomache, beddings, etc...It drives me crazy how he can touch it and denies that he did it.

I'm planning to re-watch Teepa Snow's YouTube videos. The first time I watched it, I saw some things that I was doing wrong. This is why father and I argue a lot. I treat him like a child (his point of view) and he refuses to act as an adult (not touch poop).

Funeral almost tore my siblings apart. Us against my oldest bro. I did my best to keep telling my siblings to let it be. Oldest bro will always be like that. Just leave it be. It was a very close call. However, my 2 sisters of off-island (over rode my objections) decided that to omit oldest sis from getting a share of the bereavement money. Oldest sis spent 2 yrs caregiving both parents while I worked. I disagreed and was outvoted. Baby bro, took his own mortgage money and gave oldest sis her "share" of the money. He later told older sis that she just hurt oldest sis and that she was angry. Older sis called long distance and apologized. Survived That also. We survived but there is a lot of hurt that occurred. Thanks for asking....Sincerely, Book

Bonnie, thanks for sharing your letter. It's so strange to read an actual real letter from a man to the woman he loves very much...while at the same time knowing that he's in combat.

I also truly appreciate you being able to understand our point of view - the ones who did not receive the love/encouragement as children and grew up in a very dysfunctional life. I've read several times here on AC of posters saying what a joy and honor to care for their loved ones. They kind of try to shame us - who don't have that loving attitude - that we are wrong, and shame on us for venting what we vent. I tell you this much, if this site wasn't here when I needed it, the venting of my anger/resentment - I would not be alive today. I had reached the point in my life when the ONLY solution to get out of my obligation to God to Honor my parents by caring for them - the ONLY way out and not have to deal with the Guilt of Disobeying God - was to kill myself. That was my conclusion because I could no longer handle this life of prison - which I viewed my life. A prison to caregive my parents. Thanks, Bonnie, for understanding us and not judging us. HUGS!!! {my goodness, I have tears in my eyes.}

Bonnie thank you for sharing your experience. The love between you and David is so obvious in his words and yours. I am so happy you feel comfortable and safe to express yourself here. Sending you much love and hugs!

There is no easy way for survivors of a death of a loved one. If the one you love dies suddenly and tragically as I experienced with my husband David, it is no less or more of a painfull experience than one whose life is extended and facing weakened conditions. Friends have told me the long, then prolonged and then dragging on of a death is the most painful way to say good bye.
Death can come suddenly or slowly, the sharp blast of a gun or the slow degrading of the body and mind But for those left behind, there is no easy way to say good bye.

And to my friends here...I was first notified of Missing In Action.

A time of hope and dread.
Fear and hope.
Panic and fear.
Prayer and grief
Prayer and hope
"tell me the Army is wrong"!
and finally,
I can't take the uncertainty,
I want to rush in and DO something
I just want some peace and a quiet mind.

I want what I used to have, hope and a letter a day.
Our own "knowing" between us regardless of miles.

Loving you, I never felt alone. I felt complete.
Now I am in a horrible place
It is as if my body were being torn apart
Life sucked out of me, part of me craving to be with you.
But, if you are alive! I must be here to be with you!

Oh Lord, if I can pray hard enough and long enough to save him!
Will you spare this son of thine, my beloved?
Is there a sacrifice I can offer?
What can I do to keep my love on this Earthly side?

If God is love, and He loves us
Why is this happening to the one I love?
Why is this loss happening to me?
What gain is there for this death?
Why the suffering? Lord?

__________________________________________________

Eventually I came to the place of praying
"Thy will be done"

I don't know why David was killed and not spared.
I don't know if prayer really matters one way or the other.
Maybe there is a greater plan
But I'm not so sure I like that larger plan if David isn't in it.

All I can say is finally I have come to accept the death.
But I'll never forget.












Those I've found on this site are the heroes of life. I've listened to the pain and trials of caregiving, the love and the exaspirations of siblings, nothing is really an "easy life" when you look at living a "long and fruitful life"/

The thing I would like to share is this...I was very lucky to have such a dear and heart warming letter from my love that has always been of comfort to me on sleepless nights etc.
You all deserve such a warm and loving letter from the loved ones you are caring for now in their weakened condition.
You deserve the acknowledgment of the love and appreciation for just being there for the person you are devoted to.

And even more blessings to those are are the caregivers for folks they don't really love or even like!
I have grown to have an especially deep appreciation for this group of folks on this forum that I feel safe in expressing my feelings.
Thank you , each and every one.

((((((Bonnie)))))) that is a huge amount of loss - both your husband and your child. I can't imagine how your coped with it all. After those losses you could never be the same. Your husband wrote beautifully - yes he was truly wonderful. You were blessed. I am so sorry that you lost him and also your child. Do tell us more if you want to. more ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan

You are so kind, Eve.
Here is a page from a special letter from my husband David in Vietnam...1969

...warmth of our love. Knowing that we have given of ourselves to each other. I love you, darling.
Love you so very deeply, with no reservations whatsoever. Just love complete. But then the love must be complete for it is your love that has made my entire life complete, worthwhile and extremely happy.
Today (sometime) we are supposed to leave Duc Pho and go back out to the field. From the last I heard it will probably be to secure one or two firebases.
DARN! "I'd much rather think about you, us and we two, than going out to the field. I miss you very much Dear. It's your letters that keep me going, so keep the letters coming...

That was just one page. But a special letter to me. Isn't he just wonderful!!!

He was only 29 years old when he was killed saving 3 men in his company. I was expecting our first child. I lost both my husband and child.
It was very difficult to say the least.

A quick drive by here - adjusting to meds is knocking me out a bit. I have been reading here and elsewhere and posting a bit here and there and following what is happening here.
Sharyn - you deserve a break and I am so glad you let your sibs know what you think of your sis's idea of leaving you holding the bag - the nerve!!!! You have done so much for your mum it will be a big adjustment. I am finding not having contact with mine is an adjustment. I do wonder how she is doing and suspect she has gotten someone else as hospital contact person if not POA, as I have heard nothing from anyone, but I know if I start contact again I am opening Pandora's box, so in self interest, I am staying quiet.
Margeaux - glad your mum is back home. The gall stones may be making her nauseated. I do think it was too much for her to go out though I am glad you all enjoyed it. I think you are right that your sis is not totally into this level of care. Your mum will need more and more attention as time goes on. You are in a difficult position.
book - you seem to be holding up. Is it any easier with just your dad to look after? Is he reacting to the loss of your mum?
Bonnie -how is your mum doing? Haven't seen anything about her - maybe I have missed it. You asked about a letter - I think anything goes here. In general your first marriage has to affect your second marriage - as it part of who you are today. I am wondering if you have a particular concern. I have been married twice and have a sig other now - not the same circumstances as you, but I do have some experience in that area. Each relationship is different.
susan - I read elsewhere you are taking a break -awesome
austin - how is your memorial garden doing, and also helping out your high school friend?
cmag -are you still walking?
everyone else - let us known how you are
here we have yet more snow though over all is melting . I am having less pain with the fibro, but had to cut back on the meds as I wasn't sleeping more than 4 hrs -aaaargh!!!! Trying to find a happy medium, Figuring out the sinus issues - have to be diligent with the peroxide rinse and also make a fresh solution more often as I think it loses strength
Had an email from my daughter which mentioned nothing about me visiting the grandchildren and telling me again that she finds me too negative. As I mentioned before me saying we are having bad weather this spring (it is the coldest and snowiest spring in years) is counted by her as me being negative. I realised she is like mother who lives in a nice ALF and is, over all well looked after, yet looks for anything that is not exactly as she wants it and sees only that. With my daughter, I am the target.
Hope to do better with posting as I get adjusted to the meds
take care all - hugs and blessings - you all are on my heart even when I don't post

I totally like this site and esp this discussion group. My family is way dysfunctional. My sister especially. It started at an early age. She got her way almost from the start and ruled the roost and still is. My parents, while nice people, had no clue on how to raise kids. They botched it up raising her. Now she blames me for not helping her. Mom was such a pushover and so sweet and sis took adv of that. Its a mess now. I could go on and on about their messes. I am getting psychological therapy and trying to break free from all the mess.

Bonnie,
It's rich me, but poor mom. I can't have poor in my vocabulary, sorry, if you know what I mean. Like they say, a lot of it is about attitude.
Thank you so much for the advice about the smoothies. If I was living there, or realistically w/in everyday driving distance I could participate in all of this.
I live quite a distance, so when I visit mother, it's an overnighter, and it's more of a complicated plan. All I can do, is suggest this stuff to my ego maniacal sister, who thinks she knows it all. It's her way, or now way. So this is what I'm dealing with. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Yes!!! Bonnie and Book!! I am a novice photographer and I will go through all of mom's old photo albums to make a slide show on DVD. Most our happiest memories were when we went camping every summer. I do have some photos of mom when she was a child, some with her family and mom has many photo albums of all of us growing up. It will take some time to put it all together but that has been my plan all along. I just can't get them from her now. I think it is a wonderful idea and I thank you Bonnie and Book for reminding me about it.

For everyone:
I took mom to the dr. on Wednesday for a TB skin test and we went back today for them to read it. All is ok and the dr. filled out all the paperwork for the community so I brought it all to them today. On Wednesday I told my/mom's dr. that I think I may need some time off work to deal with my emotions after the move. I am stressed and tired since I been so focused on my mom's needs. He did script the Xanx and said I could give 1/2 a pill to mom on the day of the move and 1/2 for me. He also said that since I am on vaca next week, that when I go back to work and I decide on a day I don't to work to make appt. and he can fill out all the paperwork for disability. Mom has an appt. on the 18th for a med review.

I went by my friends business today. She is the one I talked about that got me into therapy back in my thirties, has a BA in psychology, and teaches bereavement classes. She helped me to see that I needed to tell my sister point blank that it is not fair to me to be the one to take mom to the community by myself, that I need the support from my sister and brother to do this. She also suggested that I start planting seeds in my mom's mind about moving to assisted living so it is not such a shock to her when it happens even though she may not remember me saying anything to her about it. I also sent an email to my estranged brother (his choice) telling him of the move on the 20th and that I would send him her address in case he feels inclined to send her a card now and then. I sent sis and email telling her I did not think it was fair for me to have to take mom to the community by myself, etc. She didn't get it so I had to send her another email telling her that I don't want mom's last memory before moving in being about ME taking her there. I told her I would take mom shopping and then she and my brother can meet us for lunch then we can all go together. I told her I need the support because I have been so focused on mom's care that I have become very protective of her and attached. Further I explained, that this is going to be very hard on me to have to let go of the attachment all over again and start focusing on my own life and home. I haven't heard back from her yet on the second email. She is so black and white that I have to spell it out to her which is part of our dysfunction from childhood abuse. Thank you all for all the support and letting ramble on and on... many Hugs to you all!!

Oops...wrong discussion group! sorry!!!
Bonnie

Note to Dina...there may be so many things going on in your head right now trying to find your own path after your fil passes, that my little suggestions may not get near to the top of the list! However, I will pass on that you could benefit from the Domestic Abuse/Social Services programs near you.
You said you had thought about seeing them for emergency help during a past arguement. Well, could you make time to actually go and visit? to find out what services they can provide you?
As we've all suggested, having your own income benefits you in many ways, not the least of which are self-image and self-worth. There are job training programs, legal services, even room and board provided by a caring community. Please look into it for yourself.
At least find out your options! And make a point of explaining how your husband has been very emotionally and verbally abusive...yet you are financially dependent upon him for your very existence. When the fil dies, that income will be stopped which I suspect will be a shock to your husband.
What you are worth now is $20 a week...what are you going to be worth after he dies? What are you worth to your husband and his kids?

Gathering information will help you determine your options. You can find out what rights you have over income and property jointly shared with your husband. At our local community center we have tons of programs for people who need help.
I am concerned that you will feel ashamed if you are not being the daughter in law or wife that you have always wanted to be...but Dina, no one is able to live up to all their self images of their duties.

for the last 2 1/2 years you have been caring for your fil...when he passes you will have to find a new path to explore...with or without your marriage. You said you and your husband have gone through some very difficult times. And you made it! Just because you did make it through those times, doesn't mean you need to continue on that same path for the future.
You haven't mentioned children of your own. Is/are they a factor in your future decisions?
Remember Georgia2 who told us she was divorced and homeless at 57 when she started into the caregiving profession? You clearly have been a wonderful caregiver with great compassion even with the difficulties you've faced with a non-supportive husband. I bet you could be professionally trained/certified and go out there and be a valued provider, live-in or not.

You are clearly unhappy with the way things have been with hubby. If you don't want to continue on that same path, then get off the road. You can't change him, as you well know.
But you can change yourself, Dina. It may sound crazy but try to think of where you want to be, what you want to be doing, (see yourself with and/or without him) in five years. How are you going to be financially sound, physically strong, safe and emotionally able to look at life and be glad you are alive...in just five years?
Just thinking how you have spent all these years caring for others and now you just simply must look to yourself for the years ahead.
"you are the master of your destiny" or something like that!
Just know we are all proud of you and wish you all the very best.
Bonnie

Your suggestions about the DVD are spot on. We did that for my side of the family after Dad died. My husband Dale's family did a great one for his parents 60th Anniversary party and then an additional one of the expanded family.
Loved what you said about watching the pre-diseased mom. Yes, so many wonderful memories flood in when seeing or reading from a past time.
I was looking for some papers from my first husband, David who was killed in Vietnam when I came across this one portion of a letter he had sent. It still tears me up after all these years.
I was thinking of entering the letter and ask you all for suggestions on how this past marriage may be effecting my marriage to hubby now. But I don't know if this is an appropriate venue for such intimate disclosures. I've never shown this letter to anyone but there is a real part of me that wants to share it with someone so at least one other person would see how much love we could share across the miles and through war, no less.

What do you think? There must be a forum for widowed folks who have remarried, or there should be!

thanks, Bonnie

Margeaux~This is my 2cents worth...I think your sister is going through the motions of caregiving because she has too much on her plate. This is not criticizing her. Between working a full time job and caring for your mother, her best efforts are probably being given to her job because it is her escape. As a result of this, she only does what is necessary but is not really tuned into to your mother. I think you have mentioned that your mother has acid reflux?? If so, that could be causing the bitter taste in her mouth after she takes the medication on an empty stomach. Her whole system is probably stressed from the pain from the gallstones, being in ER and a convalescent home. I don't know if there is much you can do to change or make the situation better for your sister because she won't let you. As long as your mom does not have diabetes, ensure and boost are good choices but if mom does not like the variety of favors they offer then doctoring them up is a good idea as Bonnie suggested. Yogurt is also good to blend into it but again, you can only pass on suggestions to your sister or the aids and hope for the best. I have read on this site where others have said that their dr.'s have told them that Carnation Instant Breakfast is the same as Ensure and it costs less. It could be that the dairy in Ensure and other similar drinks may aggravate the gallstones, I don't know. I know you are concerned and you have all our support! Let us know how you are doing and of course, how mom is doing. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux, I have acid reflux, Gerd. I had to learn by trial and error what foods would trigger it. I went online and copied and pasted the DONTs on food. Cabbage IS a Don't. Uncooked (crunchy) Broccoli is a Don't. Acidy drinks - which includes water with lemon inside, Gatorade and Flavored water also triggered my reflux. Those V8 juices? OMG! I found one flavor on that little bottle. I just loved the taste and drank only halfway. I wanted to save the other half for the next day. That night, I had Severe Chest Pains, all night and the following morning. I went to the clinic thinking it was my heart. Nope - Severe case of Acid Reflux. Doc narrowed it down to the V8. She asked me if I drank a gallon of it. Nope. A large bottle of it? Nope. When she found out the small bottle and I only drank half of that small bottle, she told me that I am Very Sensitive to fruit drinks. She's right. After that, I experimented. She prescribed meds for the Reflux but I only took it one time. The rest, I did research, and avoided those food/drink that would trigger it. There was a time I had to take GasX whenever I ate pizza. Because I cut back drastically on the food that triggers it, I can eat pizza and lasagna when the cravings hit - without taking GasX.

Prevention is best. That means limit your cabbage and broccoli and Garlic (yes, even garlic) and curry. Anything that is acidy and spicy. I have eaten food with garlic and curry - if they kept the dosage low enough to give the food the flavor but not too much that it overpowers it.

As for sis, do what I did. Researching and reading sentences are a hassle. Since you know sis won't do it, you can do it. Really simple. Make a chart of the Trigger Food/Drink. You can put on the same line, recommendations.
Broccoli ........Not fully cooked/ Crunchy . ........ Yes - fully cooked
Cabbage " " "
V8 Juices limit amount, mealtimes\
Orange juices "

etc....

Bonnie – You have gi ven so much good advice above. Sharyn, the DVD is a great idea. When my mom died, her baby sister started gathering old photos of mom from all the siblings. She then made a collage of mom young, teen, graduating, my father young, us children – adult with our children. It’s a large collage and so fascinating. As a final tribute for mom, she scanned the photos and put it into a DVD slide with background music. She made 1 for each of us 8 kids. Someone, most likely older sis before she left the island, downloaded the DVD into my laptop. When I got the DVD, I put it away. Lastnight, I saw an Icon on “Titas Memorial.” I didn’t recall doing a file on it. Clicked and started watching. I stopped on Chapter 2 of 12. Then I came back, and started again in the beginning. This time, I was truly seeing mom and remembering mom BEFORE the Alzheimer. OMG! Memories started flooding back. The love I had for, the feelings came rushing back. I was remembering the mom BEFORE. Remember, I was age 23 when mom started showing dementia and her personality was changing. This was a time when she became violent. I forgot all this because…well…that Was like 20 years ago! But the DVD was bringing up the Old Mom. I had to stop watching the DVD. I couldn’t handle the emotions. I will watch it a little at a time. Sharyn and even, you, Bonnie, if you have old photos, you can do it. I’m not techie when it comes to computer, but what Aunty did was truly beautiful. And emotional. And can be forever. Store it online, etc..