The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Poor you and poor Mom!
Maybe, just maybe you could make a smoothie from the ensure with some added goodie? Also, the V-eight brand has a fruit version. Again, good nutrition and such. Again, add some complementary fruit to it with ice cubes and blender away!
I used to make my mom a smoothie using dried non-fat milk, ice cubes, and other fruits like banana, oj. strawberries. Even canned pineapple is good. Add some sugar if too tart. Canned fruit works very well (peaches, pineapple, apple sauce), too.
I know nothing about foods for gallstones, so take my ideas and apply to what you have learned.

Take a good rest yourself.
If that Ensure comes in chocolate, vanilla, strawberry...you can get it to taste better by adding chocolate syrup, strawberries, etc. The secret is putting it in the blender with the ice cubes and blend until smooth.

So I went to mother's yesterday and spent the night. My sister came home from work, which I was wondering why she came home, as she was taking the night off, by my relieving her, and she was going to her boyfriend's house.

She stayed there awhile at mom's and then left. Before she left, she left me w/instructions about mom's meds, the food etc. In the course of these instructions, I came to find out from her that mom not only has gallstones, but an infection in the stomach. So this means she's been prescribed more anti-biotics, aside from the ones she's taking for a UTI. This is how I keep finding out the developments concerning mom's health; piece meal!

Mom as a result of all these anti-biotics, isn't eating much. She's also complaining about a bitter taste in her mouth. So she is supposed to be eating a very bland, low-fat diet. My sister had made chicken soup. So she said to serve her some that evening. I noticed it had cabbage in it. So, I tried telling my sister about the fact, that she probably should not have this, because she still has pain from the gallstones. Anyway, so it was all about coaxing mother to eat something.
My sister is giving her Ensure, which my mom hates. But my sister keeps saying that she needs to keep some weight on mother, etc. I agree w/this, but I wish my sister would read about gallstones and everything mother is experiencing right now. I'm more about giving mother nutrition, and healing foods. Once we get the inflammation under control, I feel possibly mom would have more of a desire to eat.
Anyway, my ego had to take a total back seat to my sister, and her attitude, which was frustrating. Anytime I tried to suggest various foods, or inform her, she was being defensive w/me. Then I even started to feel like my sister's got me in her clutches, because I'm there where she lives, the power struggle. I so wish, she'd figure out, that on account of this kind of an attitude towards me, truth be told I don't go there to relieve her more. So I'm going to do more searches about mom's diet.
Exhausted! Margeaux

Bonnie~Sis and I are going over tomorrow morning to pick out which one bedroom we think will work best for mom. I am on vacation next week, the move is scheduled on the 20th...the end of my vacation. Yes, I am grieving because it is another loss for my mom. I have an appt. for mom to get the TB test tomorrow and I will talk with my dr. to see if we can work something out so I can go out on leave to rest my right arm with the tendonitis. I am not sure about not visiting mom for 3 weeks, the nurse at the community suggests limiting it to once a week for a month until she acclimates that way she won't feel abandoned. It all depends on how she reacts and if she makes a big scene spewing venom, then I just may have to not go at all so I can recover. I expect mom to ask to go home, it is normal even after they have been there a year. This community is only down the street from me...probably the same distance in time if I hit the green light at the intersection. Our town is only 65,000 population. Sis only lives a 45 minute drive, her issue is she is strapped for money and coming down her costs her more gas. That is why she quit coming down to give me a break once a week. Now that she has access to mom's money, I am sure she will dip and help herself out...after all, she is entitled after all that she does for mom (sarcasm). I will let you all know what the dr. says, and hope he will give me a script for Xanx, I only need it for 2 days so he doesn't have to worry about me getting addicted to it. Hugs!!

Margeaux~I don't want the responsibility of being the primary. I don't want to continue doing things that are going to make it easier for my sister. Everything I have been doing, I have done because I wanted to help mom. Prior to mom giving us a copy of the DPOA, if mom was having a colonoscopy, an emergency medical situation, the flu, I took care of it with no problems. My work schedule was such that I could do these things without it interfering in work. Sis wouldn't have to miss work either. Then when she found out she was the primary, she wanted the control and she started taking mom in for the colonscopies. Well, the first time she did it, I told her I would meet them back at mom's house when she got mom home. My sis barely got my mom in the house safely because she is short like mom, and with mom being very medicated, it was a real struggle for her to hold on to mom while walking up to the front door. Plus doing it sis's way meant we both ended up missing time off work. I would not want to handle all the finances like sis is going to have to do. Paying the bills is no big deal, it's managing the 4 accounts with CS, having receipts for everything, the IRA,etc. I suck at paperwork, I do all my bills online. The senior community will bill the LTC policy directly so sis won't have to do monthly paperwork on that. I just want sis to do her part once mom is placed and I really think she thinks things are going to continue as they have with me running all over town on my days off while she sleeps all day on her days off. No way am I giving up my days off!!!

Margeaux, I am glad your mom is back home and that you will be going by to stay with her tomorrow. There are websites with lots of info on diet for gallstones as I am sure you know, but getting your sis to follow it could be another issue. Hopefully she will do some research and see that your mom is fed more often with smaller meals avoiding that foods that bring on the attacks. Can any of mom's meds be ground up so she can mix it in with applesauce or something else? Let us know how tomorrow goes with you and mom. I am sure you are anxious to see her. Hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,
Of course you must have mixed emotions about this move for your mom! Did you get to visit the AL and look at the available rooms? Did you and sis agree?
Did you see the movie "50 First Dates"? If you did, remember how they made a video for the gal? If your mom is dealing with dementia, maybe compiling old family movies, photos of happier times, etc., and put them on a DVD for her might be a nice remembering touch?
Remember what the "experts" wrote in the Reader's Digest...NO VISTORS for at least the first 3 weeks! She has to get adjusted there. My alcoholic girlfriend became that way when she moved her mother to a AL at least 5 years ago. She went every day and stayed. Her mother would not eat on her own or do PT without daughter there "encouraging her". It was the beginning of the most controlling experience! It was awful! Her mother was early stage dementia and kept telling daughter she wanted to go back home. Daughter should have weened her mom from these constant snit fits. Guilt...guilt...guilt, that is the strongest feeling my friend had. It was so sad!
Knowing your mom is in a place that really will care for her, must be the comfort for you. Expect yourself to go through grieving. You have a "new" loss and as such, it reminds you of the other such loses, like your Dad's. Every loss brings some grief. there is a wonderful book that was given to me when my dad died. How to survive the loss of a loved one (or something like that) It talked about different kinds of losses and the stages of grief.
Not having your mom 5 minutes away in her own house will be very different for you..a loss of a kind. You may need those 3-4 weeks off (I hope your boss approves!) to just grieve and adjust. Is it possible for you to go "on vacation" that would provide time for you to grieve the loss of your regular routine with your mother...and for you to start looking forward to making a new routine knowing she is fine and dandy in her AL place? It might be wonderful if you and hubby could go away for at least a few days. You have been so focused on the caregiving of your Mom that it may be time to re-establish your priorities?

I know this is no where near the same thing, but I remember having a real crying spell when I left for college. Homesickness! and then later when I was married and we lived in CA, my Dad was out there on business and came to see us. When he left, I cried and cried! It wasn't that I didn't love being married, I just missed the family and having Dad there was so wonderful...then it was so awful when he left. so you see, these emotional times can cause a great deal of conflicting feelings.
I know your mom has been very diffiecult for you to cope with...but you are still the loving daughter. Just focus on what you can do to "let it be" and become the loving wife/mother.
Your sis will have to pick up the slack. Moving Mom to the AL will not be as hard on sis as it will be on you. Sis already lives far away and unaccomstomed to seeing Mom often. When she drives home those feelings of "leaving Mom" will be the same as always, understand?
You have dome a wonderful job. Now there is a new job ahead, You will have to decide what that new job is!
Let me know how you are coming along. Sure think about you!

My mom was released yesterday from this convalescent home.
She'd spent the night there after my sister took mom to the ER on Sunday, in hopes that they would inter-veneously feed mom her medications, since mom hasn't been eating very well. She found out last week she has some gall stones.
I thought this was kind of loopy thinking on my sis's part, I mean if mom isn't eating, she wanted to do this ER visit w/those expectations, shouldn't one rather see to it maybe mom would be fed nutrition inter-veneously?

Again, I found out about this visit, the day after. When my sister discovered all that was available for mom, was this convalescent home that falls too short below standards for the care of someone with ALZ.

My sister asked her boyfriend for advice, since he just lost his mom back in Aug.
He told her, that she needs to accept where mom is at. I guess this is my sister's denial, too.

Anyway, mom did finally start to eat somewhat better. I too, had to remind my sister, or ask (since I get the piece meal info) about what's going on. Apparently, she hadn't been eating much for several days, w/this recurrent pain of the gallstones. But this is where my sister and those caregivers really have to get way more in touch w/nutrition. Remember I'd written not so long ago mom was having a lot of heartburn? They really have to do some homework!

I'm just thankful mom is beginning to eat something, because I was getting really worried yesterday. I'm going there tomorrow to do relief duty, so I'll be able to monitor her, and ACTUALLY see what she's being fed. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I so understand your feeling resentful about the DPOA. I too, have felt like this,
since my sister and our golden boy brother were selected over me, (I'm the eldest),as you know. All the while growing up, my parents completely relied upon me to be the babysitter and in charge making sure my other three siblings made it to school, myself included. They didn't give me credit for this, it seemed that just was just the way life was, and everyone assimilated their own roles w/in the family.

I encourage you to put your limits down with your sister, during the next several weeks. You have your own things to contend with, also. Besides, let your sister start doing some of what needs to be done, being the DPOA. It isn't fair how this ends up in many family's, and believe me, I do understand this

Take care of yourself, remember the boundaries, of which I see you're setting them, and good for you!! You're in my thoughts! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Margeaux~I didn't have much time earlier to talk with you. I know you are concerned about your mother and rightly so. I don't understand why your sister chooses to be so secretive about your mother's condition. I would be angry and end up telling my sister off (not suggesting you do that) but this is how I deal with things. I know you want to keep communication open with her getting her to be more forthright with you probably won't happen. I hope you are feeling better about the situation and that your mom can come home soon.

You are right that I am stressed. I am really disappointed because my sister has decided to do the what is easiest for HER. I am disappointed because I KNOW that once we move mom, she will only visit her on those days that she has an obligation such as mother's day, birthday, thanksgiving and christmas. When dad was in a nh that is all she gave to him and he was her favorite. My sister is very selfish and alway has been but she has a rude awakening once mom is moved. This community has a beauty salon so mom can get her hair cut there for a fee of course. I will still have to take the dog in every 6 weeks for grooming and any vet visits, grocery shopping, and just spending time with mom. I am going to force sis to deal with everything for a month or more. I will visit mom and it will be my choice in whatever else I decide to do with mom that will be pleasurable, but I am not dealing with any other responsibilities. I am not doing this because I resent her being the primary on the DPOA, I am doing this because I have been available and sis has had it too easy IMO. My mom set it up that way because poor sis has had a hard life, boo hoo!! Once I have had my break, I will agree to take mom grocery shopping every other week and my days off work will be MY days off period. My sister will not have to report anyone regarding mom's finances. If she sponges off mom, I won't know about it and neither will mom's attorney. My mom did not include a clause for paying oneself for caregiving. Her attorney said she did have it included at one time but in 2006 she dropped it. If sis decides to sell mom's house once mom is moved, she can do it. The nephew we were going to rent it to has now bought his own house so that is out. I do not want to be a landlord so unless sis is willing to hire a management firm to screen renters,etc., I don't know what we will do. Mom's house is in excellent condition and we don't want it destroyed by renters who won't take care of it or decide to trash it because they are being evicted. The market on selling is not good right now and the one thing this house has against it is that my parents converted the garage into a family room right after they bought it in the 60's so there is no garage. A small portion of the garage was reserved for a washer/dryer, sink, a chest freezer, and the rest is storage w/slider doors. There is a storage shed in the backyard where my dad had the lawn mower, chainsaws, and all his tools. The point is, the time I spend with my mom, I want it to be time that is memorable and yes, I realize that there will still be times Iwhen mom will be difficult to say the least...but I do not think the senior living community is going to work with me if I think mom needs to go to the dr. Sis is the primary now!!She better step up to the plate and plan on taking the time to deal with it fairly. Enough venting and speculating. Hugs!!

Margeaux~Oh wow!! I can understand your frustration. How long will she be at the convalescent hospital? It is too bad your sister didn't postpone the dinner. This is a lot for your mother to deal with and having dementia on top of it. I would think the nurses/aides would have to check on your mother since she has dementia instead of waiting for her to buzz them. I am not sure my mother would understand how to use the buzzer or remember to use it. Maybe you need to go visit your mother, it may answer some questions for you and help ease your concern. Dang sisters, just don't think they use very good common sense sometimes. Keep us posted, take some deep breaths, hugs to you!!

I'm hoping that this birthday plan on the weekend mom attended wasn't too much for her. We went to a restaurant on Sat., So today, Monday, my sister calls to tell me that she ended up talking mom again, to the ER, yesterday. She's got the gallstones.
Anyway, now my sister is concerned because now she's telling mom isn't eating much. She a variety of BP, and ALZ meds, and didn't want to give these to her on an empty stomach. So this is why my sister took her in again. Now, this factor I did not know about prior to the birthday outing, of which I was of the strong opinion that it should have been postponed. Mom did order some shrimps, on Sat., which I'm not certain, but would think this isn't good to eat also in her condition. Anyway, my sister though that by taking her yesterday, they might admit her to the hospital to get these meds, inter-veneously. Bout no! They ended up transferring her to a convalescent home. So today my sister told me all of this, and now she's thinking that the convalescent home is a dangerous place for mom, because mom must buzz them, and nurses take forever to answer to the buzz. I don't know, but this is part about the control my sister plays, w/this whole management of mom's health.
I've been trying to keep calm about this, but it's making me very buggy!
O.K., I had to let it out! Margeaux

Redpengwin~This is my take on families when parents start declining: There is usually one adult child who takes on all or the majority of parents care. This adult child usually has DPOA. Siblings can resent not having that authority. Also siblings have their own reality so it is very hard to get everyone to agree. Some siblings will refuse to help because either they have no clue how hard caregiving is or if they disagree with the primary caregiver and want things done their way. Then you have the siblings who just don't want to be involved because of one excuse after another, they work, they have kids, they want to travel,etc (it is their choice).

My sister is the primary on mom's DPOA. I am secondary. I live in the same city as mom...about 5 minutes drive away. I do all the daily caregiving such as seeing that mom is eating, giving her medicine, collecting her daily mail to weed out junk and get the bills paid. While we have been working together on this, it has been difficult because my sister lives out of town, has health issues and she has failed in giving me any breaks by coming to town to help mom out. We both have to work. She basically wants deal with it from a distance, take care of all the financial, but does not want to do the leg work. She is older than I am. How we communicate with our siblings is very important. Understanding each other's limitations is important. If sister Beth is willing to take care of parent/s half a day and she does things different than the primary caregiver, the primary caregiver feels they are being disrespected. It is like a marriage. The wife gets angry because hubby takes care of the kids different than wifey does. Power struggles happen and can result in getting no help at all. Once we get our mother in assisted living, I am taking a long break. I already know how she will handle it, she will call the assisted living community to get updates. I am very disappointed in her.

I'd like to thank every one for the welcome. But I don't think I can share yet! I don't know where to begin & I'm not sure of my feelings. Thank God for Zoloft!

Cat~Thank you!! I need to put myself first once mom is safe and being taken care of. I plan to do that, sis will have to deal with everything for a while...it's her turn now.

What a great topic... yet it's sad that in times of need for responsibility and accountability, families seem to "fall apart" when it's time to take care of Mom and Dad. I want to bring up something that is apparent in my family. I believe greatly that birth order in a family determines how children respond to the eldercare demands. I am the firstborn daughter of four. I have a natural brother 3 years young. When I was 10, my parents adopted a 2-month old baby and the next year we got a 2-week old little sister. As a result, I have always been the "little mother" and took care of everyone. When it became time to get power of attorney responsibilities, I just naturally asked Mom and Dad to grant it to me so I could help them when the time came. It never occurred to Mom, Dad or me to even mention this act to the other 3 children in the family because Sister (as I was called in my Southern family) just always took care of things. We just put the DPOA doc in the drawer until Dad started failing in 2006 with polyneuropathy (a nerve ending disease), Alzheimer's and other elderly-type medical issues. Then as I was needed I started helping Mom make medical decisions for him. I live 311 miles away in AL (my folks lived in FL) so I regularly made the trips to help Mom. Even when Mom called me to go "home" to help her make funeral arrangements for Dad (this was some months before he died) she didn't call the other 3. My siblings accused me of trying "to run things." I reminded them I had been the little mother of them for all of my life, so this was nothing new. Long story short, my natural brother insisted that he be added as Mom's DPOA after Dad's death. NOTE: He and Dad did not get along because of my brother's homosexuality so I don't think he really wanted to be involved in Dad's care. So, Mom modified her DPOA so that my brother and I share the responsibilities. As I see it, though, he has a whole different eldercare viewpoint because he is a middle child. He keeps saying we need to wait until Mom tells us what she needs us to do. I keep saying no, that's not how eldercare works. You have to guide the elder person in the way he or she needs to go because your Mom or Dad is not always objective about the hard decisions that need to be made. Then, my younger brother and sister (who happen to be adopted) are really not in the picture at all. It's not because I won't let them; it's because they have never been responsible -- either because we spoiled them rotten or because they didn't want to be. I could go on and go, but I just want to reiterate that birth order can affect how children fit into the care of elderly responsibilities. And, as some of you pointed out earlier, the dysfunctions of a family become very apparent as the parents age. It's sad to see how my younger brother and sister do not get along during this difficult stage of our Mom's life (now that her health has started failing), but yet they never did anyway. I am -- once again -- in a big quagmire because my siblings expect me to "fix everything" like I always have, but after overseeing the care of our Dad (who died in 2008), our aunt (Daddy's baby sister) in 2011) and being involved in my 97-year-old mother-in-law's care who died October 2012), I am really, really tired! Don't get me wrong -- I do want my siblings to help me, but with all the dysfunctions in the family, it's really, really crazy. Anybody out there with the same issues?

So Saturday my sister and I were in touch concerning whether mom was able to go to the dinner show for her birthday on Saturday night. Her pain had subsided from Thurs., when my sister had taken her to the ER, and she was diagnosed with gallstones. As I'd posted before, I thought the dinner plan was a bit much for mom to handle. Besides, mother is supposed to be avoiding many foods now, hopefully so that it doesn't trigger a flare up. But, as many of you know, my sister is the one calling the shots here, (legally) and controlling everything.

Anyway, we met at the restaurant. Mom looked very cute, wearing a sparkly cranberry red outfit. She turned 92. She enjoyed the music. There's no real dancing space, but at some point the band invited people up in a small space to dance. Mom, on her own got up, and my sister and me followed her up there.
The three of us danced, while my husband was trying to get some pictures.
All in all, it was a good evening, and I know mom enjoyed, and we all did for that matter.

My sister though, was sitting on a far corner of the table, as we were a big group.
My SIL, (whom sister has issues with), was seated right next to mom. So when I went to greet sis upon arriving, she went into apology mode about the seating arrangement. I told her, not to worry that it was no big issue. But, my sister sat there at the table, and tried engaging me, w/looks, since I was seated right next to my SIL. Honestly, some people just don't know when to quit! This is where my sister wears me out. So, I just didn't look in that direction. She's a tension builder.

I guess some time this week, mom will go see her PCP, to get more tests done concerning the gallstones. I'm sure meditating so that she won't have to undergo any crazy procedures. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I feel it in your recent posts that you are under quite a bit of pressure.
This is really unfair, how parents or loved ones give away cherished items, like this clock and the picture to one child and not another. The favoritism rearing its ugly head! My grandmother owned one of those beautiful Singer sewing machines w/wrought iron and a manual foot pedal. I learned as kid to sew on it, and am the daughter who to this day developed some sewing skills as a result of this.
But somehow, when our grandmother was at the end of her life, I was told by my sister that she inherited this piece of furniture. How this happened, is still a mystery to me. I was very offended by this. Strange thing is, I don't think my sister can even hem a pair of pants. But anyway, it was odd to me that I'd never heard my own grandmother saying she was leaving this to my sister. I really think, that my sister used her aggressive way of doing things, and convincing our mom to allow her to have it, once grandma had passed. But the point is, it hurt at that time.
This fact has worn on me for years, every time I see this sewing machine. It is a beautiful antique, and really meant something to me in so many ways! But at some point, I had to say to myself, to just let it go. I wasn't going to allow this to bother me anymore. I realize for you to do this at this time is particularly difficult also, given that it could for you represent a part of your past.
What I don't understand is, that your sister appears to know when to use her aggressive behavior to serve her self! Why can't she use this same energy to carry out the duties with the care of your mother! This is not cool in any way, shape or form that she's deciding to opt out as to how you and she'd originally planned to take your mom to the ALF. It's as if she wants all of the goodies, and accolades since she's the POA and all that, but leaving you holding the bag. Oh! I hope I'm not getting too carried away here, I'm up at 4:40 a.m., but your situation really got to me.

Well, what I can say, as hard as it may seem, try as much as possible to back burner this issue with the clock and picture, until things settle down. In other words, try not to add this kind of thinking if you can, to your already full plate.
No matter the hurts and all of that, remember who the parties you're dealing with, obviously some narcissism. Remember that word?

Meanwhile, I'm chanting for you, in hopes that something kicks in that will assist you on the 20th. Deep breadths! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Keeping them in my prayer, Sharonmarire. I'm so sorry and wishing you the best. You have so much to deal with right now. Just do what you need to do to keep your mom safe and reduce the stress in your life.

Just to update you all on my brother's step son: My brother and sil are both on antidepressants. My brother thanked my sister for taking care of mom and deverting her off him so he could focus on his own health issues and his step son. My sil is (according to my brother...on the verge of a nervous breakdown as her son is now down to 115lb. I am guessing he is bedridden now. For those of you who don't know, my brother's 37 yr. old step son is in the final stages of cancer that started 8 years ago in his colon was considered cured, but returned in his liver and is now in his lungs. Sil's mother has lung cancer which is not responding to chemo. Keep them all in your prayers, positive thoughts...Thank you!!

Bonnie~The is planned for April 20th. I am making an appt. tomorrow with my/mom's dr. for mom to have a TB test and I will talk with him then about me. The Xanx, if he will prescribe it will be for both of us. I only need a week of the pills because when I took it in the past, I took 1/2 a pill to take the majority of the edge off, a whole pill would make me drowsy.We have been advised by several trustworthy, good people to not tell mom in advance. If mom was logical (no personality disorder or Alz) we could talk logically to her about this. In the Alz world of caregiving, this is called loving lies. Those who have a loving, trustful relationship based on mutual respect with parents won't see or understand how a person could do it this way.

Book~I told my sis this morning that if mom gives me any trouble when I pull into the parking lot, I will drop her off at the main entrance for her to handle because doing this by myself is going to tear me up. I have been depressed all day over this. I also told her I was going to see if my dr. would agree to put me out on leave without it being stated it is stress. I don't want it going on my record that I have emotional stress. If he will work with me on this, I would like 3 weeks of leave, and the week of the 15th being my vacation so a total of 4 weeks off work. I will be unavailable to my sister during that time except to get my mother moved. The FMLA will probably take too long to get but I will ask my dr. I am tired and exhausted with the emotional stress and sis is so black and white she doesn't get what I am saying without me being blunt and nasty. I was crying while talking with her this morning and she still doesn't hear what I am saying. I will try again with her with an email so she understands that once mom is moved, I will not be available for 3 weeks. I have to look after myself and sis is too concerned with her health issues (understandable) to see that I may be suffering. This is going to be my last memory of my mother before she is placed, it is going to be my mother's last fleeting memory of time with me before she was placed. Tuesday or Wednesday morning sis and I will go to the assisted living to see the one bedroom apartment to decide which one is best for mom. One is located on the second floor with a balcony ( concerns that her dog could fall) and the other is located on ground level with a fenced patio that is locked on the outside only (mom can leave thru the gate anytime and anyone entering that way must have a key). I think the ground level will be better for her but we will see when we visit. As Bonnie said, you can't make someone love you when they are unable to have that emotion, even though I have had the therapy dealing with all this, it now seems to be happening too fast for me to deal with it. I can't help but remember when my father had Alz and we as a family: my brother, sil, sis and I and mom all went together to place dad in a snh. It was the beginning to the final end of his life. I know this is what is happening with mom now. Dad was more progressed than what mom is, he was so trusting of mom that he never questioned her actions (I admit, I admire my mom for keeping dad home as long as she did). However, I was very angry with how happy she was not having to deal with his care. She refused to go to the snh during lunch because they expected her to help dad eat (something a loving wife would have done).I guess she deserved her freedom and happiness at this point in her life. I digress long enough and must end this post.

Thanks for listening to me and all the support. Hugs to everyone!!

Sharyn, when is the date for the big move?
Maybe your mom needs the Xanx, too. Could her doctor look into that possibility?
Frankly, I'd be a nervous wreck trying to kill 2-3 hours with a cranky mom...then to take her to the new place without talking about it!

At the AL place, do they have some sort of "welcome" for new residents?
Any chance you could take your mom to lunch at the AL before the suprise move? Around here (Seattle) all the retirement places have prospectives to dinner at least once. Wonder if you could just say you were taking her to a new restaurant and see how she reacts? This would be before the move, of course.

Good luck!
Bonnie

Book~According to sis, this is brother's idea. I don't know if he thinks his son don't know what to do or what. My hubby knows how to make up a bed and it's a studio apartment, the can only go one way. I am thinking of asking my dr. to put me out on leave, then when mom is moved, I will be unavailable for a 4-6 weeks and sis will have no choice but to deal with it. If mom starts reacting badly when I pull into the parking lot, I will not park, I will drop her off at the lobby entrance with sis then go park. I can't bear the thought of having to try to get her out of the car, walk to the lobby if she is crying, arguing and combative by myself. I may have to get some Xanx for me to get through this. As far as the clock and picture go, I will get them when mom is moved. The clock needs to be repaired and there is one place in our area that does repairs well on old clocks. They used to have a store in Stockton but now only in Lodi. Sis will have to take it in and pay out of mom's estate. She already reimbursed me the money I paid for the deposit to put mom on a waiting list for memory care and the room. Sis just called said she asked for a one bedroom apartment for mom instead of a studio which will be better. Well I gotta get ready for work. Have a good day!

Cmagnum,

It is so good to hear from you. This is great news that you are walking.
It will also help with your overall mood. I notice my mood uplifted whenever I walk, plus it does help me have a better sleep, which reminds me I must do this today!!

I was watching a program the other day, that had some info., about how strict the government is, whenever one is on disability. Congratulations to you on this end, because I had a friend who was going through this a couple years ago. I remember her stories, about she not having the cooperation from some of her doctors, which complicated re-approval of her benefits. I'm sure it took a tremendous amount of patience and determination to jump through all these hoops. I'm very happy for your wife is making improvements also.

My mom had a similar episode as you've describe about your step dad.
She was also confusing my sister w/one of her long time friends with whom she had just had a conversation on the phone.

You and yours, remain in my thoughts, Cmagnum! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, I know that you're venting.
With regards to your sister, if she really cared for you -she would have asked your mom to give her those 2 things that YOU treasured. And when she gets it, she would have turned around and given it to you. I would have done that for my sister. I will just tell you not to tell mom that I gave it to you. and to hide it when mom visits. Simple.

So you know what, put you foot down, and Now is the time to take a stand. Because truly Sharyn, your sister is completely in charge of your mom- financially and medically. Let her start doing her duties toward your mother. You will both do it together or not at all. Simple. (Not really...)

What about mom's furnitures? Well, you both go visit the room mom is going to stay. Get an idea of what is going where. Go visit your mom. While one of you distracts mom, you can either take notes or use your cell phone to photo which furniture is going to mom's at AL. Give the cell phone to the men. Tell them this is what's going to mom and where it will be put in her new home. You can even take photos of the new place so that they know where it goes.

Or...you do what sis wants you to do and take mom out. When you go back to the AL and mom objects, you state Very Clearly that WE thought that this is best for you, that WE are concerned, etc... Emphasis the WE or say "sis name" and I. Because you know what, it is a group effort. And if mom still favors sis, oh well....at least you tried.

I am feeling a sense of being let down big time. My sis and I had planned that when we moved mom to the assisted living, she and I would take mom out while our nephews and my husband moved her furniture, set up the bed,etc. Now sis told me today that she wants to be at the apartment while the men are moving everything so she can orchestrate where everything is placed and to make sure the bed is properly made!! So now I am the one who will take mom out for about 2-3 hours and it is ME who will be delivering her to the assisted living community while sis greets us at the lobby. I am so upset about this!!! Sis said that I won't have to take the brunt of her negativity if she greets us at the lobby. Well, I say B**l Sh*t!! Gee, I wish I could play decorator and let her be the one who whisks mom off and returns her to an assisted living community. A great way to end my vacation and what more could I expect, once the scapegoat always the scapegoat!! Thanks for letting me vent, I know it gets old after awhile!

Cmag~Walking is good to increase the endorphins in the brain, as I am sure you know, but just the walking is a great improvement to help relax and gain strength. I love to walk but just can't seem to fit it in my schedule right now. I am glad to hear your wife has improved so much since the surgery. I am sure it is a relief to both of you. Take care and keep us posted, hugs to you!!

Margeaux~I hope things worked out ok today for your mother and the dinner party. I understand your concern with your sis wanting to continue the plans even though mom may not be up to it. It should be enjoyable for her...that is the point of it all. As far as surgery for gallstones goes, at your mother's age I can see why you would be concerned. I don't have much info other than I believe it is done very simply just as the hernia surgery my mom had 2 1/2 years ago. They may even do it through the belly button and it is in and out in the same day. However, if it really invasion, it may be worth it to see if they can use lasers to break them up like they can do for kidney stones...don't know if it works??? My biggest concern is that the surgery no matter how minor it is, will cause your mother to progress in the dementia. It always did with my mom which is why her PCP told us not to do anything with her possibly having a hernia on the left side of the groin now. He could not feel it when he checked her a few months ago and mom has not mentioned anything since. Gallstones are different because that can cause her pain every time she eats. Keep up on it and let us know. Yes it is good to have the attorney on our side now. He was actually very compassionate and kind with us. A 180 to how he was when we saw him in October.

Book~How I can relate about all the traditions when people are just worn out. 12 days of mass and rosary services is a lot for you to go through. I think that what upset me about my mom is that she has given my sister some of her possessions that sis has coveted for years and was promised those things. The things that I want from her, she will not give to me. One is an old mantel clock that belonged to her parents,it is black and over 100 years old, the other is an antique picture in her entry hall of an elderly woman in what appears to be a European brick alley way near her home. It hurt my feelings when my sis told me mom had already given her the scales and grandmother clock she wanted. I know this sounds petty of me, but most things my mother has given me, she has asked for them back saying she only let me use them. I hope you are feeling better as time goes by and the sense of normalcy may not come to you until all your siblings have returned home. Hugs to you!!

ONCE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ALWAYS A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY........
UNLESS YOU SET YOURSELF FREE OF IT AND MAKE YOUR VERY OWN LIFE A HAPPY AND REWARDING ONE. I TRIED FOR 50 YEARS TO GET SOME MEANING OUT OF *FAMILY* NOW I HAVE FOUND MY PEACE AND YES I AM FREE AND LOVING IT.

Joan sure hope the f/m gets better as the weather warms up-I am doing ok with it I think the cmybalta helps-my NP gives me samples because my insurance eith does not pay at all or only a small am't. I have been busy with helping out a classmate from HS cope-he lose his wife in Jan and his brother just deid last week so I went through the wake and funeral with him and helped with the meal afterwards-heis comming over to watch Country music awards tomarrow night-my house will not be too clean-have been outside all day working on cleaning up the leaves and branches from winter.

yes my husband still wants to try for another baby, I think he wants to me to have another reminder of him but on the other hand I been out of sorts lately. I have reached my max but on the other hand my husband has allow me to have to have the bedroom back. Btw finally got his primary care doctor switched to mine. His old doctor didn't like being fired but I did not like being under constant fire from her. It is still unbelievable that people do not believe I am a caregiver and the medical community thinks so also. They think I can juggle two kids and a house and hubby. They want me to make hubby first and I cannot do that all the time. Hubby is seeming to do better but I never heard of a laughing seizure until I saw it , it is call simple partial onset episode. We still haven't found a neurologist he is happy with yet. I am on the other hand so tired I might as well be a zombie. I am not who I am anymore but I still do the job I am just in zombie robot phase now. I just go through the motions but my sister and I are talking again. She finally mailed me my wedding dress and had her 5th baby, the fourth one has aspergers syndrome also. she is also home schooling again.

I guess we finally seen that neither of us is perfect and stupid to hold a dark cloud over someone for so long. The one thing that made my day couple days ago was that my step dad said he loves me. It was sincere and unexpected but I guess my parents are starting to understand me which is unusual but it is still difficult to carry a conversation with me my mom with so much emotional stress between us. I mean we are trying and my parents know I am making it work. I haven't posted in a long time cuz I have had nothing worthy to say besides being so busy I can't stop to breathe. I will decide if I will continue to post on this site or not in the near future, just being burned out and my depression has gotten worse, to much of this and that. I wish everyone blessings and happiness and give condolences to the ones that lost their loved ones. So will move on and continue to take it on like usual thank you for being there.

Emjo,

It's good to hear from you!

My husband was quite happy to be able to talk to his friend. When he talked to him, my husband told him that he wanted to visit, but that the wife wasn't having it.
His friend thought that his wife was being too strict, and said it was o.k.
I didn't comment too much about this to my husband, though. She's not a very social person, so I think this plays a big element in this picture. But this is still his wife, and she must have her reasons. But I didn't want to overplay this aspect of the situation, because I know my husband, and I do sense he's felt a bit slighted too. In any case, he was glad they got to talk on the phone.

Maybe when the weather changes, your fibromyalgia will calm down.
O.K., Emjo I hope you are well, and don't be such a stranger. We've missed you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag - thanks for the updates on you, wife and parents. Sometimes as the poster, you don't see the parents progression of the disease until someone mentions it. I happened to be posting about mom's current health condition and several posters told me that mom was near the end. I was soooo glad that they told me this. It gave me time to text my 4 siblings in the states. 3 of them were able to come home and say goodbye to mom. Baby sis did not make it. Mom died at 4pm, sis arrived at 6pm. If posters did not warn me that mom was near the end - I would not have known. When i tell this to people, they are amazed that you all were able to figure out that mom was near the end as was posted.

Hi Joan! Sorry that your F/M has flared up. It seems to be flaring up a lot lately. Do you notice if the frequency increases a lot during wintertime? I hope you get better soon and no longer feel those pains daily. HUGS!!!!