The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmag - thanks for the updates on you, wife and parents. Sometimes as the poster, you don't see the parents progression of the disease until someone mentions it. I happened to be posting about mom's current health condition and several posters told me that mom was near the end. I was soooo glad that they told me this. It gave me time to text my 4 siblings in the states. 3 of them were able to come home and say goodbye to mom. Baby sis did not make it. Mom died at 4pm, sis arrived at 6pm. If posters did not warn me that mom was near the end - I would not have known. When i tell this to people, they are amazed that you all were able to figure out that mom was near the end as was posted.

Hi Joan! Sorry that your F/M has flared up. It seems to be flaring up a lot lately. Do you notice if the frequency increases a lot during wintertime? I hope you get better soon and no longer feel those pains daily. HUGS!!!!

Sharyn – only today, have I finally got the urge to write here. For the past few days, it was hectic, funeral was stressful (so much HUGGING and KISSING that it grossed me out to the point of my whole body shivering violently and the hairs on my arms standing up.) I Do Not Like Being Touched. We had to stand in the front pew of the church for 4 hours to receive HUGS/Kisses from people showing their condolences. My family knew that this would be a hardship for me. If someone touches me without warning, I automatically hit them. Several times, I almost dropped a toddler whom I’m carrying because they were overcome with affection, and gave me a very tight bear hug. OMGoodness! I shriek with laughter and revulsion – at the same time, violently trying to dislodge them from me. Nieces always on hand when I carry their children. Several times they rescued their child from me. =) So, this gives you all an idea of how bad it was for me to stand there for 4 hours to receive hugs and kisses. The things we do because it’s Tradition.

I read your words about how your mom view you as irresponsible. It’s the same with father and me. I can never do anything right. I don’t know what I’m doing. Let the expert do it. and so on…. When mom died, I’ve had people praise me for taking good care of her these past 23 years. I accepted it but the praise should truly go to my father. Even with her death, he has not praised me for helping him these past years. So I know what you’re going through. Hearing it from others is not the same if it comes from our parent. But, I have accepted it. Who knows? Maybe one day he will surprise me and say it! (When cows fly, hell freezes, etc…) Just like maybe one day your mom might surprise you...

Since mom has passed away, I didn't feel like posting on AC. I finally realized that I needed a change. So, I changed my name and avatar. This current avatar is number 2. If I like it, I will keep it. If I don't care for it in the next few days, then I will change it.

**Bonnie – believe it or not but your sister sounds like some of the other posters’ siblings. If you don’t follow their advice, they will absolutely not help you. It’s their way or not at all. I think even a 50 year old bimbo knows better than to move a leg and know that they are hurting someone who keeps saying “Ouch, stop, it hurts!” Sounds like baby spoiled sister has a bit of a masochist in her. I hope your Sweetie Pie is just going thru a health phase and pulls thru it.
***Hi Cindy, thank you for the condolence. Welcome! I just wanted to let you know that I sent you a HUG. If you click on the top right PUBLIC PROFILE you will see other people’s post to your wall and the HUGS. If you click on the box with the words: MY ACCOUNT…..NEWS FEED. The News Feed will update you with the most current topic that you have commented on. It will also have all the HUGS given to you. And the LIKE.
***Rosebud – I hope it all comes out as you expected. It will be difficult and hard work to do it. Not impossible but … a lot of hard work. Let us know how it turns out.

Well I spoke with my sister last night. She took mom to the ER, mom has been having a pain somewhere in the abdominal area. They ran a test and discovered mother has gallstones. Yikes!! So they can't give her anything for pain. Now she must wait to see her own primary doctor, and see what should be done, how serious these gallstones are, etc.

Then my sister starts telling me that mom has also had a UTI. I don't know how long she's been having this issue, but she's on antibiotics for this. Anyway they sent her home, and today I guess the pain subsided. Given all of this, I thought that of course my sister would cancel this weekend's plan of taking mom out to a dinner show for her birthday. But no, my sister went back and forth telling me how she's going to monitor mom, and see how she's feeling, then she'll decide.
I can't believe this. I did ask my sister whether she thought it a good idea to keep the dinner reservations. But I could tell by her response, that she was becoming defensive, almost as if I don't trust her judgment call about the matter. So I ended the conversation. I really don't like to engage in this kind of resistance with my sister. I mean, we could go at another time when mom isn't having all of these issues. So if mom looks o.k., tomorrow to my sister, I guess the dinner is still on. How crazy is that!!??

So I started to suggest some home remedies I searched on the computer about gall stones. While I was doing this, my sister brought up, that it may be advised that mom have surgery. I really didn't like hearing this, because I understand there's one, that is rather invasive. Mom just turned 92, yesterday and would not want mother to go through something like this.

We will see what happens tomorrow. My sister is so controlling!
But I'm trying to keep my cool, and not feed this kind of energy.
Margeaud

Sharynmarie,

Well finally, you have this attorney on board! It's about time!
I think it's great you've asked people not to make judgments. People many times are too quick to do this, w/o fully understanding each family's dynamics.
I know this is tough for you and your sister. But as Emjo stated, everything seems to falling into place for you. Rest assured that even though your mom may never realize and be able to express gratitude towards you, the fact that she looks at you when she doesn't understand something in and of itself is a message to you. Remember actions do speak louder than words. It totally applies here.

You're doing all of the right things to accomplish the move.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~Good to hear from you, I thought it was because of F/M and sinus issues. Hopefully as the weather warms up it will be less problematic for you. I hope and pray that your daughter comes around and through her issues. I can only know how I would feel not being able to have contact with my grandchildren. I fear that with my son as he is converting to JW. Today he is 33 years old so I guess I have to be happy when he is willing to throw us a bone...so to speak. Hugs to you and hoping you have relief from the F/M.

Everyone,
We met today with mom's attorney giving him the letters from mom's PCP and the neurologist regarding her incapacity. He accepted them and said as of today my sister has full authority to make all medical and financial decisions for mom. He will put through the necessary paperwork to have my sisters name added as the trustee on all her accounts.He said that priority number one is getting mom placed. We do not need to get a conservatorship at this point unless mom tries to leave the assisted living community...calling a taxi to come get her,etc. He said that if she just accepts the situation there is no point and to wait and see how she reacts. He was very different than he was when we met with him in October. In October he was rude and pretty much told us to leave his office. I know that he is her attorney and looking out for mom's best interest, My sister gave him the letters from the dr.'s, he read them, then she asked him, "Are we friends now?" We laughed as he explained his position in protecting mom.

The nurse called my sister tonight regarding his evaluation of mom. He said she a stage 4 which means she can live in assisted living. (this is not an evaluation of what stage of Alzheimer's she is in). Mom's attorney suggested that we tell mom she needs to move in there temporarily for respite reasons and then tell her just a couple more weeks mom until she adjusts.( Those of you reading this that do not know my family history need to refrain from judgement). I agree that telling her in advance will cause more problems for her as well as us. Sis is having major guilt about doing it this was but she willing to go with it. If needed, we will get her PCP her prescribe something to keep her calm and sis and I will take her out for shopping , lunch,etc. while my hubby, nephews move her furniture, set up the bed. It breaks my heart to do it this way but I see no alternative considering my mom;s personality disorder. I asked sis if she notice yesterday when the nurse was there that when mom did not understand what he asked her, she looked at me to help her. She said yes. It' s not that I want to be trustee because I don't. Yet mom has always seen me as irresponsible. I guess I just want acknowledgement from her I am a good daughter and have stood by her even though I set boundaries around our relationship. Just once I would love hear her tell me she is proud of me and that I have done right in her behalf. Enough wallowing in self pity. Have a good weekend everyone and Hugs to all!!

Hi all - I am here and lurking. Since I have no contact with mother, I have been taking a break. Truly I am weary of a lifetime with a dysfunctional family.
Cindy - of course you are welcome, and rosebud too.
rosebud I am glad you are able to create some functionality out of the chaos. I can apart from my immediate family, but not within it. You are right about ugly stuff coming out of Pandora's box at times of need. I hope someone has been named POA for your great aunt,
sharyn - all your work is paying off. I think it is very wise to not tell your mum ahead of time. Things are falling into place for your mum. I am still struggling with F/M and though the pain is less due ti the meds, I can still feel like I have been run over by a bus.
margeaux - sorry to hear about your hubbie's friend and the restrictions on visiting. I am glad he had a phone call. I have found, over the years, it is important to have contact of some kind, It helps when a friend is declining.
bonnie -sounds like things are being organized for your mum's return home. My only concern is with the chair lift and the angle of her hip when she sits. But I am sure the PT will address that.
susan -how are things going - you have a rough row to hoe. Hope fil and everyone are behaving
Austin - hope your are getting some comfort from working on your memory garden. It is such a lovely idea.
book - how are you. This is not an easy time for you and your family. Do let us know.
cmag -glad you are walking
everyone - sorry if I forgot anyone - call it brain fog
more weather warnings here - snow, freezing rain and wind - will it never end????
love and hugs to all - Joan

If the phone company can't help, call your county or state senior services. Scammers to elderly/seniors are notorious. Even some of the "ministry' folks prey on them.
I do remember something I could do when I was a CASA (court appointed specail advocate) to protect my home number. Also, some company had entered my phone number by mistake and I was getting a FAX all hours of the day and night. Then Comcast told me how to stop that by entering certain numbers which basically blocked everyone with the hope that someone would notice their FAX would not go through!
Let me know if you find some help. Worse comes to worse, change phone numbers and put as non-listed. Could your mom use a cell phone?
Gosh, I had a great Aunt that was forever being hit for missionary work, child care work, food help....I bet every dime went to the scammer's pocket. My husband says"I don't do business on the phone".

If you do get some helpful information from the phone company, please post so others may find some help, too.
Good luck!
Bonnie
PS. Mom is still in the hospital.

Bonnie~I want to forward her calls to my phone but my sis is against it. Mom is on the do not call list but they still call and when I tell them to remove our number from their list, they hang up. The last one was for a whirl tub. The scammers use different numbers so we can't block them all. I will call the phone company to see if they have a way to stop the calls. Thanks for the info!!

Cindy, welcome to this thread!

Sharynmarie, on the phone scammers...can you put your mom's number of the "do not call" list? Also, most phone companies will work with you in banninig calls from "unknown" sources. They have their ways of protecting their customers. You may have to punch in some numbers but surely there is a way to limit access to your mother phone number.

Rosebud1, So sorry you are dealing with your cousin and all her emotional baggage over her mother. Has your great Aunt moved to her daughter's house?
If so, do you go over to visit?
As far as working with your sister, could you meet with your mom's minister or lawyer or even doctor as a family and have someone there to mediate plans for the future? Getting everyone on the same track sure helps. Wishful thinking, I guess, particularly with your cousin. But you said you have a loving relationship with your mother and your sister so maybe you all can work out some understanding of what your mother wants and how you two kids can bring those desires into play, when and if necessary. And by knowing you are an enabler, keep an open mind! Good for you to want a healthy and loving relationship with all of your kin.

sharynmarie, I'm not as sedentary as I was for I've been walking some on a more regular basis. I saw my doctor this week for my quarterly appointment. I've lost 15 pounds from 266 in December down to 251 and my A1C has come down from a 7.0 to a 6.5.

I received good news this week in the mail that I'm being continued on social security disability due to my bipolar disorder. This was the first time they had reviewed this in ten years. You would not believe the amount of paper work I had to fill out about myself and my wife had to fill out about me, plus going to one of their psychiatrists for an evaluation.

My mother continues the same and my dad is declining. Sometimes when talking with me he will make statements as if he is talking with his brother and then return his focus back to me. My wife's recovery is going well as she is getting out more. Her doctor is reducing her Clonazepam , anti-anxiety med, and she is having some withdrawal symptoms from that.

I suppose all families have some degree of dysfunction - the hidden and sometimes not so hidden rules that dictate how everyone is supposed to act - even when it's to the detriment of one or several. The thing is that when the family is supposed to "pull together" to caretake for the loved that all kinds of ugly comes pouring out of Pandora's Box. What has previously been under the surface, daring only to bubble out in moments of tension, become more explicit and obvious as the need to caretake becomes permanent rather than temporary. In my own extended family, we have been taught to make allowances for each other's shortcomings and idiosyncrasies, never offending one another, or 'rocking the boat.' For example, my mother and I are 'enablers' and have taken an overwhelming amount of responsibility for a great-aunt's care. The great-aunt's daughter, always the victim and the bully, now resents and feels insecure about her LACK of involvement for so many years. It has been beyond unpleasant, has pitted family members against one another, and has sadly, caused my great-aunt much distress that no one is 'behaving themselves.'All of these issues have been there for many years - decades - but great-aunt's health condition has really brought years of resentment, insecurities, and distrust to the surface. It's exhausting, and since I live with great-aunt, I am ready for it to be over. Great-aunt's daughter decided to move her to her home (10 m.) away because she now wants to give her the loving attention she hasn't been able to (sarcastically said) although my great aunt has lived in the same home for over 15 years and was perfectly happy in the current living situation. I have now had frank discussions with my own mother and sister regarding making decisions about what my mother will want as she ages. I want to have open communication with my sister so that we can avoid resentment. It won't be easy, I know, but it's really worth it for me to keep the loving relationship with my sister. I guess this is all to say that it is possible to create functionality and sanity amid the chaos.

Cindy~Welcome to our thread!! Come back anytime, share, vent and tell us about yourself and situation. Hugs!!

I,ve never wrote anything before,because I couldn't relate! But I found this site , and I hope I am welcomed . Dysfunctional is the only word to describe my family.Taking care of 83 yrs step-dad . Bookworm I would like to send my condoence out to you & family .

Margeaux~I think that possibly with dementia, the person gets to a point where they are so withdrawn into their own mind and appear to be sleeping but can hear what is being said to them...they just can't draw themselves out of this state so easily and eventually they can't do it all. I agree, cherish the moments you get!!

Today was very busy, I was back and forth with mom all day starting with taking her dog to the groomer this morning, picking the dog up at 1pm. and back to mom's at 2:30pm while we waited for the nurse from the senior living community to come over and evaluate mom for either assisted living or the memory care unit. He stayed about an hour and just talked with all 3 three of us asking mom some questions, observing how she behaved and her answers. Of course mom has misplaced/hid her hearing aids so it was a challenge to get questions heard and understood. She would look at me for help and I would translate in a condensed version she could understand. He did not give us an answer as to where to place her today, said he would call sis tomorrow evening with his evaluation. Sis was shocked with how young he is...about 33. He shared that he has a 10 month old son and he used this as a way to talk with mom and get her to open up. After he left, we looked some more for the hearing aids which we didn't find, but we did find $1,300.00 mom had forgotten she had. That will be deposited back into her checking/savings account tomorrow, Lol!! "H" has been telling us that mom has been with drawing a lot of cash from her checking account but we couldn't find it until today. Tomorrow we have an appt. with mom's elder law attorney to discuss her incapacity and the conservatorship...hopefully we will get some answers and the court process will take place quickly. "E" (the nurse) suggest that we not tell mom about the move until last minute. He said from his experience, telling a parent in advance causes too much anxiety and stress. The move itself will be stressful enough for her as well as the adjustment period. We will get some additional advice from a nurse with the LTC policy on this subject.

I finally got out to prune the roses in the front yard. Long over due as roses start growing in February. I ended up cutting off many buds...it's roses and they will bloom again. My lower back hurts but it is a good hurt...if that is possible, Lol!! Hubby is going to a Stockton Ports baseball game tomorrow night with his dad. That gives me some extra time get some things done in the house.

Joan~ Where are you?? We miss you!!

Cmag~How are things going with you and your wife's recovery??

Book~I have thinking of you on and off all day...I know it was a stressful day for you with your mom's funeral. It is already Thursday where you live so give us an update as you are up to it.
Hugs to everyone!!!

Oh my sister...she is the youngest of the 5 and rather pampered by mom and dad and the rest of us older kids. She isn't really crazy, just thinks she can do whatever she wants...like taking her little dog darn near everywhere including to mom's doctor appointment. Well, they made her put the dog in the entry way of the building, tied to a fake tree. Dog went crazy, pulled the tree over and made a big mess. Sister was told not to bring the dog (or herself!) to the office again. She is so darn unreliable! When I was back helping mom with breast cancer surgery and radiation, she was to drive mom at least once a week to the daily appointments. She did it once in the 6 weeks of those appointments. Her reasoning was "I told you not to have the surgery...so I'm not going there" sure enough, that sister of mine threw a fit when mom was diagnosed and didn't want mom to have surgery. When I arrived and went to visit the doctor with my brothers...the doctor was obviously relieved that sister wasn't there...and from then on referred to me as the nice daughter. We all love her and just accept her the way she is...plus we think the world of her patient, kind, loving husband. He is now taking her place at the family hospital visits. She isn't certifiable nuts by any means, just acts immature at 50. And even mom says it is all her fault as she spoiled her and let her do what she wanted. The scene we are avoiding is sis poking mom and asking "where does it hurt" as mom is in great deal of pain with that broken hip, shoulder out of joint etc. Mom was Ouch, stop, it hurts! so sis moved mom's legs so she could sit on the hospital bed and cried while trying to hug mom .Apparently one brother had to step in and tell her not to go back to the hospital until mom was much better. Like I said, her husband is a saint and understands how to deal with her. To describe her, I'd say she overly reacts in many cases. She is a great deal of fun to be with and is always charming and delightful most of the time. It's only when something doesn't go her way that she gets stupid. Spoiled rotten! She's 12 years younger than I am and I sorta looked on her as my little baby, so it's no doubt my fault as well. Seems she has gotten her nose out of joint since the PA has been working for mom. That has probably been the worst of it, when I think of it. Mom can so rely on her PA, who is just wonderful and super reliable, and the rest of us 4 kids thank God every day for her!

Sounds like your mother is getting a good deal of socialization with her lady friends. That is really important for her sense of well being. PA even helps mom with social affairs. She had an open house for her birthday day in February! and lots of people came. She had a nice dinner party for her grandaughter's soon to be in-laws...she has been thinking of having a dinner party again, now that PA can do all the prep work and clean up!
She sure is taking advantage of living in her own home!
Well, our little kitty has something wrong with her and two doctors have looked at her, rehydrated her and we are trying different cat food. If this cat dies it will really be hardest on my husband as he is very attached to Sweetie Pie. I'm just not up to more grief right now!
Haven't heard from PA today so wonder if she is busy getting mom moved. Hope so. I'm off to get going with the real work I have to do! Like clean the house. Thanks Sharynmarie.

Bonnie~I had to giggle just a little(no offense intended) at your remark of your sister being nuts. I must ask, is she nuts as in immature, makes bad decisions, gets herself into tough situations, or is she dealing with mental issues? I hope your mom's tests come back good and yes, she probably is better off in the hospital until they know everything that is going with your mom. Bonnie, you don't have to be dysfunctional to post here, being supportive is all that is required and you are supportive!! We appreciate what you have to say. I understand your being protective of your mother. Believe it or not (due to family history), I have gotten very protective of my mother too. I do love her, what her to have good quality of life and be safe. I have intercepted phone scammers while at her house. When the caller realizes mom is not alone, they hang up on me, Lol!! We have been very fortunate in that I have gone out of my way to make contact with a couple ladies my mother talks to regularly and these ladies have been a blessing to us. They call me if they have concerns about mom and it has helped to stay on top of things with mom when I can't be there all the time. "N" is a former co-worker of my mother's. She has been instrumental in getting mom to allow sis and I to go through her mail which has helped to reduce a large amount of mom's anxiety since she can't organize her thoughts on how to process bills and junk mail. I now remove all junk mail daily. She can't write out checks anymore so we do that for her and have her sign the check so we can pay her bills. ""H" is another dear sweet lady 92 yrs. old. She is a volunteer for AARP, does my mother's taxes and balances mom checkbook since mom does not trust us to do it. Well, I hope your sister does not cause a scene. It certainly won't do your mother any good if she does. Sometimes the stress of anticipation of a scene can wear you down. It's good that you talked with the PA giving them a heads up. Boy I can relate to that type of situation. Take care and let us know how mom is getting along. Gotta go, today is dog grooming day for my mom's poodle, Lol!! Hugs!!

I just appreciate you and Sharynmarie. Thanks. I'm preparing a box to send to Mom with things I think she may need at the Rehab. Turns out she is still in hosital due to more blood and other tests. I think she if better off there than being moved to the rehab. Do you agree?
Manohman,am I a novice in this fiels.
And Margeaux, I have a younger sister who is nuts and Mom said she is not to visit while mom is in hospital. Guess I qualify for the disfunctional family. We sibs all love her but know she is some bottle short of a six pack. Had a conversation with Mom's PA tonight and told her if sis goes nuts , then call security or 911, not to let Mom make decisons.
Gosh, I feel so protective of my mom.
Again if you want to read her book of poetry look on Amazon.

"Poems of Love and Hate"
so something like that


hugs to all,Bonnie

Sharynmariek,
Last paragraph: we'll be gathering, thought I'd corrected that!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Thank you for asking about my mom. She's good, w/in the ALZ experience.
My sister apparently is taking it upon herself to cut down on one of the medications. When she has done this, guess what? Mother is awake! She is suspecting that this is a doctor who is just basically more interested in racking up charges towards mother's insurance. I have seen something like this happen lately to my neighbor. She's been in for different procedures and tests. She takes high blood pressure meds, and the doctor tries to pressure her to take a water pill.
She wasn't at all feeling good after having taken this pill, so she stopped. Then right after her venous surgery on both legs, an eye doctor was being very pushy trying to schedule her for catarak surgery w/in same month as the venous procedure. I told her, that this didn't sound right, and not to succumb to this pressure. This is the part about the medical community that I think people have to be wary about. Just because they wear white coats, and only spend 2 mins., (if that), w/a patient, doesn't mean they have our best interest at heart at times.

Interesting how you've described your dad that he would be sleeping but could hear you. My sister has the exact same description about mom. This Friday, she is turning 92 years old. WOW! So my sister called and we'll be gather, just the siblings and their partners to take her out to dine and hear some live music. I'm so happy my sister decided to leave out all the grandchildren, after that holiday fiasco! Mom comes to life when she hears music, so we know she'll enjoy this. So I'm very happy that mother is turning yet another year, on this wonderful planet. Even when it's rough, we must cherish these moments. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I know you weren't talking to me specifically. It is fair because as you say, many of the things we talk about is connected to dysfunctional thinking/families. Just in everyday life I still occasionally have those trigger points that will bring up feelings and memories of the past. It is a lifetime of working to get over it.

How are you doing in regards to your mom? It is very hard to see our parent sleeping so much. My dad was like that too. When I visited him in the nh, it was difficult to stimulate him to wake up enough so we could talk. I do know that even though he seemed to be asleep, he could hear me because once when I told him I was going to go now, he said, "don't go". Then he perked up for about 30 minutes and we talked. Hugs to you and I hope your week is good!!

Book~I am so glad you saw to it that your father was there, Yay for you and your sibs who went back for him!! Take a walk along the beach and breathe. Hugs to you!!

Book, my thoughts and prayers have been with you all day knowing it's your mom's burial. I pray for your strength and peace within you. Hugs from afar, my friend!!!!!! Blessings

Book,

I've been reading the other thread where you have posted about what you are living right now with all of your relatives. Why is it that when someone passes many of the family members who have had little to no REAL input for the care of the deceased suddenly come out of the wood work to call the shots?

To read what your oldest brother wanted to do and not pick up your father, made my hairs stand. I realize from having read the other thread what an ordeal in and of itself the decision to take your dad, or pass by the family home with your mom's casket has been for you. Well I hope that you were able to get your dad there.

Book, what I can offer to you for just right now is try to focus a little attention on you. If you can find any place in your house, or even go outside and try to become very quiet and slowly take a deep breadth in,slowly, and then release it. This is how you start to learn the deep breathing. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of you and your family. Much Love & plenty of Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I just wanted to tell you, that you are not someone I think is getting off topic about dysfunction. I think it's fair, when we talk about other things and the perspective is invariably intertwined with it. Besides, some of us here who been here as long as we have, well how can we not talk about other related situations that have dysfunction in them also. I've done it. It's all connected. Much Love & Light! Mrgeaux

Bonnie,

There are very many people who have in laws, and for that matter parents living with them. If you read the different threads here you will find plenty. Some taken this route because they just cannot afford the expense to place elders in nursing homes, ALF, and the like.

Many of us come from cultures also that frown upon placing an elder in a home.
If one has grown up with a narcissistic parent, and you've been told things such as Sharynmarie has been told, that her mother would not want to be placed in a home, as my sister and me were told, well then it isn't such an easy thing to face once this is staring anyone in the face. The other component to this, is that we've lived the dysfunction. This is the big difference between someone who has a cooperative elder, (even making their own plans to move into) a facility, from a harmonious family vs. the dysfunctional one. In the latter case, if an elder is going to placed, there are extra hoops to jump through to accomplish this.
I think one has had to have walked in these shoes to fully comprehend this situation. Margeaux

My blood mother died when I was 7 years old and my father shortly thereafter married a woman that had a sole objective to "straighten us (my 2 brothers and I) out". We were micromanaged into shame and sent to a chair where we were captured audience for preaching about how sinful and bad we where. and all the abuse a 100 lb lady could through on 3 young kids. To be short, the next 10 years of my life were humililating, confusing, lonely and desperate. I snuck out of the house one night while they were asleep and just left a note saying "I will be alright". It was the 60's, early 70's when drugs and free love were everywhere and I thought id found nirvana. but that all ended with a drug arrest (minor) and rolling my car after drinking a lot of marguaritas. Then I did tons and tons of counseling in which I was sure that my step mother was the wicked witch and my father the innocent bystander. And by the way, anyone going through what he was would drink themselves to sleep everynight so that was okay.
My stepmother died 20 years ago, and my father moved in with me 10 years ago. During one of my counseling sessions, I will always remember being confused ---trying to make mean -- out of one of his principals: "if you are a woman, you father tells you what to do and your mother shows you how to do it" I thought, well, everything didn't fit because that was so untrue in my family.

Until, after 5 years, the light bulb came on. All those things that she lectured, gagged, insisted, preached and punished where HIS ideas, not hers. And she was his puppet. He wasn't the innocent and devastated father who would have just protected me if ONLY she weren't in the way. He'd PUT her in the way.

I've spent 10 years taking care of him now and the knowledge that that has brought me is invaluable. He's not a hero and that's okay. He never really got out of that foxhole after the Normandy invasion. His principals were set by a country mom and an alcoholic abusive father, who's number one goal is to stay alive and number two goal is to protect his booze supply.

But what Ive also learned is that no matter what he does, no matter how much I disagree with his beliefs, he is my father and I love him, although he no longer gets to tell me what to do. I have finally have my freedom. Very few internal voices. When they do "visit me", I am almost amused and I can joke with them (or my father, who also gets this "oops, ive been caught" look on his face.

It has not been an easy decade in my life. But it has been a meaningful one. I can stand in my truths now, where as before I could only stand in his shadow.

Ah book, this is so sad. You have been so on my mind today, and all we can do is send you our love and prayers. Asking the Angels to hold you and your dad today, I know that they are already holding your mom with love, xx