The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Maargeaux~How sad for your husband.It must be very difficult for him to not to get to see his friend. I do understand the families position too. I give your husband much appreciation for trying as so many people will not go to see a friend in hospice care. I am sure your words have helped him to understand as he is probably grieving as well.

My mother and her sister were in constant contact until my aunt was placed in a nh. Then it was basically my mom sending her cards,etc. She was probably in the nh about 2 years when she refused to eat/could not swallow so the family had a feeding tube put in. My mom is very much against a feeding tube in cases like her sister's so it really broke my mom's heart when they did it. Back in 1997 or so, my mom received a call from a social worker in PA. Her brother's wife had been discovered deceased in their house by a neighbor and my uncle had Alz was incapacitated. My mother was his only relative that could make decisions for him. He also was placed in a nh and they kept my mother informed of his condition until he passed away. As far as my cousin is concerned, I will send her the address to the memory care unit when mom is placed and it will be up her if she wants to send mom cards.

Yes, I remember the latch key kids as I was one of them starting at age 12. I loved coming home to a quite house with no siblings there telling me what to do, Lol!! I had to call my mom everyday when I got home and I was not allowed to leave.

My bakery/deli boss is being transferred to the store in Stockton I worked at before coming here. Saturday is her last day. I was just getting to understand how she works too, now to start over with another boss. The district supervisor has been making things very hard for our current boss, I think in hopes of forcing her to step down because they wanted to have separate managers for bakery and deli. Since my boss wouldn't step down, they have transferred her. They did the same thing to the bakery/deli boss I had in Tracy. Our district supervisor is a real menace. She would come to our store when our b/d was on vacation and just pick everything apart that she could find wrong, change the schedule by cutting hours. Last week when "S" came back from vacation, she was so pissed because of all the hours that were cut she accused the store manager and the district supervisor of setting her up to fail (that is what I was told by others who were there at the time). Who knows what will happen with a new manager. I do know they usually come in with a very strict attitude in order to set their authority in place so the next month may be very stressful until she feels she has made her mark. Some of us may get transferred too.

Have a good day and hugs to you!!

Bookworm,

I totally agree with you about people in this condition not wanting to see anyone.
When dad was in and out of the hospital. he had his share of visitors. My parents were the kind of people, who always wanted to keep face with friends and relatives. At first dad would keep a happy face and all of that, but I know later on it became too hard. I suggested to both my sister and mom, to try to discourage some of the relatives from going to the hospital. Of course this fell on deaf ears. It was interesting too, because some of these relatives really didn't come to visit them, while they were healthier.
I also think that many times for just privacy reasons you just can't let everyone come.

I had to explain what a person goes through mos. ago to my husband, about getting sick right after treatments, immune system being a reck, and the patient can catch anything visitors bring with them. So there's more to all of this, I'm sure.

Thank you for the suggestions about keeping in touch. He does email him, but of course for a time now, there's no reply. But as I've told him, that's the important thing right now.

By the way, how are you doing? I was getting ready to write a note to you, as I know you haven't posted for over a week. I hope all is going well with your family.
You've been in my thoughts and remain. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

For years, we have taken mom / dad in and out of the hospital after a length of stay. I had decided long time ago, that if I ever had to be hospitalized, that I wanted to only have family visit me. In my first major surgery, my 2 bosses came to visit. I loved the purple flowers they brought. (My favorite color is purple). BUT, it was tiring trying to Pretend to be okay and converse with them. Same applied with my family. The rule is 1 visitor at a time. My family came in as a group. We talked and laughed and ...I was just hurting and sooooo tired but kept my mouth shut. I was being polite. My surgeon walked in, smiling and asked how I was doing. I replied truthfully: "miserable." He looked at my family and reminded them that I just had a major surgery, needed my rest and only one visitor at a time. Sigh...SILENCE was bliss and no need to pretend to be "normal." Same with my 2nd surgery, aquaintances came to visit. All I know is that when I am sick and miserable, having visitors (friends or family) does NOT help me.

If I had cancer and was going thru chemo, etc...and was throwing up all the time and miserable, I would not want any visitors - only family. Cancer is a very personal thing. You're at your lowest level of health....skinny and losing hair and fighting the fear of a slow painful death. Maybe your husband's friend may not want those he's closest to - to see him looking at his weakest. It's hard to say....Have your husband tried the personal touch route? Buy a card that is blank inside, and write his thoughts to his friend. Be personal. Include with the card his friend's favorite sweets, etc.... A small get-well-gift. Keep doing this every few weeks to remind his friend that he is being thought of...and it shows that your husband is sincere in his wanting to visit. But remember, his friend also must have his dignity. My 10 year old niece, close to her final chemo, was sooo skinny. She was skeletal and seeing her walk looked awful. Like a small wind can blow her down. She was eating like a bird - anything she ate/drank (and not even when consuming) - she was throwing up. If your husband's friend looks like my niece, I can see why he wouldn't have people visit him. I will always remember my deceased niece as being so skeletal - not the beautiful child she WAS.

Well I have something going on currently related to a Hospice situation.
My husband belongs to a society, he's been a part of for many years. So he's had this friend in particular he's known I think over 25 yrs. or so. Since he has become very ill with cancer, we have seen less and less of him. Now that he is doing Hospice in his home, I guess he just doesn't want to see many people anymore.

So here is the issue. My husband tried to see him mos., ago and called his wife to see whether this was possible. She said, "No." I could tell at the time, that my husband didn't like this, because she did allow her sick husband to see about 5 other people, 2 of whom also have been part of this society. So I do know my husband, and I'm sure he was feeling the pecking order, w/in the friendship.
On top of this, he was feeling this relayed to him, by his sick friend's wife. She's never been the communicative type, she's very private!

Anyway, I had to explain to my husband in this, that it must be VERY hard what his wife is experiencing, going through all of this with her husband's illness.
He's gone the route, Chemo, and heard he's taking about 18 pillls p/day right now.

The last few days, my husband made one more attempt to see if he could visit his friend one last time, but the wife now told my husband that she is now being the voice of her husband. As painful as I know this is for my husband on different levels, I reminded him, that if these are his friend's wishes, we have to respect them, even if my husband feels I'm sure closer than some of the people who've been allowed to go visit him the last month. I feel too, on an ego level this really hit my husband. But oh well!! I do feel for my husband, believe me, because this is an inner circle friend. Margeaux

Austin,

I offer my condolences for the passing of your friend. Your idea about creating a memorial place for her is very nice. I realize you've stated the husband is a jerk, and it sounds like the consensus between her friends is the same. Really sorry about this part. May her spirit soar very high! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Good Morning Sharynmarie,

My mother used to say to my sister and me, "when I get older, just put me in a nursing home, I don't want to be a burden." Honestly, on account of some of the abuse doled out by her, I know I, (in my mind) used to think, "that's where you belong." Of course I felt this way too, since she was the kind of narcissist that did the neglect, and treating my sister and me as if we were Cinderellas, and babysitters. I don't think she ever uttered any of this to my brothers.

Well things have changed since the 50's, haven't they? Society was quite different then. I believe that in many families, there was still a sense of community within family's. I also believe that there were more available women at home to do this job. This has changed though. I know this is what what my siblings and myself experienced. We became the "latch key," kids. Remember that? For those of your not familiar, parents would hide the key under the doormat, so their kids could get inside the home, while parents were still at work.

Anyway, I know for a fact that our mother would make this comment about placing her in a nursing home, to start the ingrained guilt trip. But by then I was a teenager, and really had become aware of her games. At that time I also thought, "how ridiculous is that?" I felt as if my mom was wishing something, or other she really didn't desire. Point being, I saw right through this manipulative statement.

It sounds as if your mother has been out of touch for quite some time, especially with her sister. Well, what can be said about trying to keep in contact w/people, family you do not really know. I have cousins like this. The only time I see them now, is at funerals. I'm not really close to most of them, except one. The one I am close to though, I had a real relationship with, throughout the years. The others, I can't say the same, and it wasn't their fault. It's just that as the years passed, my uncles didn't come to visit dad as much. Dad did the same. So that meant that we didn't maintain any bonds with some of our cousins.

My sister has gone through some of this weighing out whether to contact one of mom's old friends, etc. But several times when my sister says she's either put mom in touch with her old friend on the phone, mom has hardly anything to say to the friend either. This is AlZ.

For as much as some people like to say, let's stay in touch via emails, after awhile they don't. This used to happen also back in the day, when people used to also say they'd write to you, and maybe at first they did. But as time passes, people get very distracted and have their own things going on.

O.K., Sharynmarie, hope I've sparked some ideas for you. My feeling is, try not to give the lack of communication from this daughter of the niece too much energy. You're probably going to need this, for other things going on about your mother.
It is a time of adjustment for you right now. You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

IS THERE EVER A DAY THAT PEOPLE WAKE UP AND LIFE IS PLEASANT,LOVING AND BONDED TO JUST ONE THING THAT MAKES THEM HAPPY? . I DO BUT I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO FEEL CERTAIN EMOTIONS. HAPPY EASTER..

Margeaux~Thank you for your kind words. I know logically I have nothing to feel guilty about, but my mom really drove home the words over the years about being placed in facility or community.My mother, unfortunately, was raised to believe that family put their life on hold for the parents. Her family was very dysfunctional. One of her brothers took advantage of her back in the 1950's when he borrowed $250 from her. That was a lot a money for my mother to give him. My father finally stepped in and told her brother he had to pay it back as was the agreement. He gave my mother a sealed envelope. Later when my mother opened it, it was filled with coupons. My mother's family is very remote. I made contact with my mother's niece a year and a half ago after my mom was having trouble with email. I told her my mom had Alz and that I would keep her informed but mom would love to continue to hear from with phone calls. She responded positively to my email. Well, shortly after that she suffered a stroke and her daughter sent me emails. Now I get no word from them...it's been at least 9 months. So I have given up. It is sad because my mom's sister has been in a nursing home for many years (over 10) with at least 10 years years on a feeding tube due to Alz...so I do not know if she is still living. They no longer contact my mother by phone. I am thinking of sending an email to find out how my aunt is. I don't know these people...we have never met and apparently they dont think it is very important. My mom doesn't ask or say anything about her sister so maybe I should mind my own business.

As far as my manager goes...I just think women as managers still have a lot to learn yet in these positions. I may be wrong and I will fess up to that if any one has anything to point out to me. I support women in these positions, dont get me wrong on this issue. I just think they tend to let their personal feelings on some issues get in the way where men have decades of experience and woman are not always as willing to share their experiences on the job because they have had learn without mentors. It's just my opinion so please feel free to correct me.

I was off Wednesday-Friday and didn't accomplish much because I was totally exhausted...my back hurt from putting mom's blinds...aching...preventing me from sleeping. The acid reflux was bad which mimics a sore throat and sinus issues. Well, I now know I have either a throat infection or bronchitis without a sinus infection. If I am coughing as much as I have today, I will call off tomorrow...just don't think it is good to be coughing a lot at work when I work with food.

My son called me earlier, he and dil are sick with bad colds too. He said he has an $80 credit at the book exchange here in town for said I could use it. The Book Exchange is a book store where you can take in your used books to get credit for other used books you want to purchase. I told him they would probably want his approval before they would allow it. I will check it out this next week after I feel better. Enough rambling now..Hugs Margeaux and Thanks again!!

Sharynmarie,

Please do not feel bad for saying it is a relief. I find this to be completely normal.
It's hard on family members, no less the key people that are caregiving, to remain in the dark about as in your case what it is your mother is suffering from.
You need to know this information in order to do something for her, or for as I know this arrangement she has in place with her attorney. Why would you want to suggest any guilt to yourself for something like this. I'm going to say it, "You're kind of beating yourself up." You're strong, and emotionally sound quite mature, so give yourself some credit, my dear!

It is painful to ask our family, or friends about these matters while they're in the middle of it. My neighbor told me the other day that she has to take care of some kind of Melanoma in the future that she has on her skin around her throat area.
She's had cancer issues elsewhere. So when she divulged this to me, I held back from asking where this cancer was. It's like, you just don't want to ask too much, of course this is being sensitive to people's barometers about talking about it. But then she went on to tell me where it was, etc.

My brother also, just received notice that he no longer has his job after March 30th. He's been a rep for one of the most popular beverage companies in the U.S. for 29 yrs. We really feel for him. So I've been really sending out good energies, that he doesn't get stuck on account of this setback. This circumstance must be very difficult also for your brother and SIL.

Oh, what is up with your manager?? I hope that someone with more authority than she told her a thing or two. She really doesn't sound very bright telling you that she wanted to force you to come in, etc. What kind of remark is that, from a so called manager?? You'd think HR would look into this matter at some point.
O.K., I hope I haven't said too much, but she's getting on my nerves.
You and yours are in my thoughts, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I would honor their wishes if they were in writing-I was once against creamation but talk to my pastor and he said it was alright-our bodies don't go to heaven it is our spirit-our mother changed her mind and had told me and her friends that she was going to be creamated but her will stated otherwise so we followed what she had written with the lawyer-it would have been a whole lot easier because she died while storm Sandy was upon us and there was no power and the 150 miles to transport her were difficult and the church had no power or heat and the cematary had no one to dig the grave-it would have been a lot easier to follow her stated wishes but we could not since she had written what she wanted-so it might be a good idea to ask your elders how they feel about it and if they had changed their minds-and creamation is not a lot cheaper.

been a while since i was here, and so much has happened to you all, with passing of loved ones and friends, and all the challeges we face daily ... so let me start by sending love to all of you.

i finally plucked up the courage / reached the end of my tether / snapped, and told them i was done with this and leaving, which shocked them all senseless. why would i leave? whats wrong? i said something had to give, and barring a miracle, i was done.

then my father in law fell in the bath, and needed the endless trips to the doctor, and then bedrest and me to nurse him and care for him. last night incontinence hit in a big way ... you know what i mean, so we are now into nappies, hopefully not permanent, but still someone (me) has to wash the sheets, the pj's, help him clean himself, the floor, the loo, etc

so if course i am still here. not quite the miracle i was hoping for, but something inside of him recognises that the only person around to care for him is me, and he is becoming compliant (ish). this past week, i have echoed the tone the german doctors and nurses use with their patients ... absolute authority, no questions or suggestions, just orders and facts ... and he is doing what i say, when i say it.
the doctor told him to listen to me as i know what i am doing, and since then he is behaving. long may this last!

so i am nursing my 89 stubborn, mean old man, incontinence rules the day (both sides) but strangely enough, in control, as hubby and fil have no clue in this situation.

Margeaux~I feel bad saying it is a relief to be at this point with my mom...I don't wish incapacity on anyone, but it does open doors for us to go forward for mom's protection and best interest.

My husband took my mom's ladder to our house. Mom has been having a fit since we took it. She has been calling 3-4 times a day, not just me, she has been calling my sister and my brother daily. My brother called me today asking about the "great American ladder mystery", Lol!! I told him why I took it, he said he figured as much but had told mom he would call me to find out. We talked for a long time, he didn't mention his step son and I didn't want to ask because I know it is painful for all of them. He and my sil are handing in their retirement papers on Monday because they work for the government, the government has issued furloughs for thousands of employees to save money. He said he and sil will have to take a 22 week furlough without pay and they don't see it as beneficial since they planned to retire at the end of this year. My brother and sil went to night school for years to get their degrees in business. Both are in upper management. I told him what happened at work last week, switching days off with a co-worker and my boss wanting me to come in on Thursday which I had a dr. appt. at 2 pm that day. Then she called telling me Friday, I still had to come in to work what was scheduled even though I had switched with a co-worker and when I came in Friday, everyone said they did not need me and I got a manager to approve that I go home. My brother said my boss probably got he a$$ chewed out for calling me in when the person I switched with was already there. He said they have to pay me for 2 hours even though I was only on the clock for 3 minutes. He said that is probably why she gave you a big hug when you came in Saturday. I am not going to feel bad if she got talked to because she pretty much admitted she called me forcing me to come in because she was mad that I didn't come in on Thursday. I told him I always schedule my appts. for my days off, he said he used to do that too, but they would call him to come in on days off so he started scheduling appts. and filling out a request off slip with the appt. card attached. I may start doing that too. I have been off since Wednesday and not a word from work to come in. I go back tomorrow. Maybe if my boss was talked to about last Friday, she may get off my back now. I may have exercised my rights without knowing it and she doesn't know that but may have learned that I will not let her get away with playing me, LOL!! We shall see what happens next week on my days off. If she ends up transferring me as a result, I don't care. The situation with my mom has not interfered with work. Yes I did lose her medicine that one night during the first week of January and I did take one day off back in October when my mom cancelled her phone service, but my boss was on vaca that week so I don't think she knew about it. Bottom line is...she has nothing on me other than she does not approve of how we as a family are handling things for mom which she can't hold against me work wise...only on a personal basis. Thanks for letting me vent all this, I feel better and think I may have turned a corner at work with my boss.

Austin~I think that is a great idea to memorialize your friend. She obviously meant a lot to you and to many others. To bad her husband is a jerk.

I was talking with a 28 year old co-worker the other day. She is married and lives in a 4bdrm house with her brother, sil and both parents. Her father is bedridden from a stroke. I asked her if a parent has written instructions in their will how they want things carried out upon their death, would you follow their instructions even if you didn't agree with them. She said it would depend on what is in the instructions. She said for example, her mother wants to be cremated because it is cheaper and she (the daughter) will not have her cremated. There was something else she said she did not agree with and would not follow. I guess I am too old school because I would follow the wishes of my parent upon their death. Any other opinions on this??

Thanks Joan -it is hard being right across the street and seeing her house all the time-it is amazing how many friends of hers I was able to connect with on facebook-it must have been God that made me go on facebook-here I thought it was my idea-I reminded them on her page that the husband would probably take her facebook down and gave my facebook name to them and then her older son whom she did not raise asked me not to write on her friends walls and must have told others the same because no new messages are on her facebook page. I plan to make my garden down by the road -which she loved to look at a memorial to her so her local friends have someplae to go to think about her and if they want to talk to her as I do at my church where we have a simple stone bench to honor a women who died where I sit and talk to her from time to time.

((((austin)))))) so sorry about your friend - her husband sounds like a real case. I thought they had to do an autopsy with a sudden unexpected death, but I guess there has to be suspicious circumstances as well. How tragic and hard to deal with. I am sorry - you are going through some tough things.Hope your computer smartens up. I am glad you have connected with her friends more (((((((hugs))))) Joan

my puter has been acting strange to day- I am sure her husband will be vindictive and delate her facebook page so have encouraged them to become my friensd so we can continute to lift each other up and not lose connect-so far I have heard from many of her friends-and it is a comfort to know her friends from her childhood and her college s and her career.

Hi guys I have not been able to post much-I am dealing with the death of my friend and neighbor-who died suddenly and her husband is acting like a jerk and would not allow an autopsy aor a funeral service for her-

Sharynmarie,

Well, at last you finally have the word from the doctor. It is difficult to hear this about a parent. I remember, when we heard the same news about mom.

But now, you can move forward. You and your sister can finally have this attorney onboard, or however the agreement was arranged, so that you can find the best place possible to address your mother's needs. The community that you wrote about that will allow her to keep her dog sounds very good. Oh, pets!!
They are warm and cuddly!!

I will say this about your manager (the one switching up days off), be very careful with her. She's tooooo flip floppy. It could be she is moody, however this kind of stuff should be left at the door, she being in a managerial position. Be mindful, and keep track of the manuevers she's doing to your's and others days off.
You're in my thoughts, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

It looks as if the trip to BC did you well. I can tell from your picture.
Oh, I know about the sinuses! I'm afraid it's hitting me also. Just in time for spring.

I'm really sorry about the communication going on with your daughter, and how it affects the relationship with your grandchildren. I completely understand these dynamics, Emjo. While my sister's daughters were younger, I always felt at somewhat of a loss with my relationships with them. Sad to say, that at the bottom of this is my controlling sister's attitudes about many things and people in her life. Yes, it's better we detach. Besides, one day your grandchildren will be older, and hopefully can separate some of the dysfunction about you and their mother.

Well I hope things are well with your mother. I remember you wrote she hadn't been in touch with you as much. Maybe no news, is good news?
I'm thinking about you Emjo, w/your current situation and your daughter.
Hope all is well with the rest of your family. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I have decided I am not going to give my mom the Namenda untill things are settle with her placement. I can not give it to her twice a day 12 hours apart because of my work schedule. Even if I give it to her at 6am, I can't be there to give it to her at 6pm because of work. I told sis about it and she is okay with it too. I am having trouble getting mom to take the antidepressant because she says she is having side effects. I looked up the side effects she says she is having and it is not listed with this drug. Any prescription drug she takes for long term, she says she has side effects. I am going to try to get her to continue to take it until the next appt. with her PCP on April 18th. Then I will ask for a liquid form which it said online is available. I can't find any info about dissolving it so I don't want to do that without knowing it still works. Her anxiety is too high without the antidepressant.

LadyDi~I had a post going to you but lost it. The long and short of it is, I too have some PTSD and caregiving for an abusive parent is not easy. Many people do not understand what it is to grow up being abused. Many respond with "get over it" or "everyone was abused growing up". Real abuse lasts a life time, there are triggers that bring back the pain. Most of us can laugh at getting our butts whacked for something we did wrong, but the ingrained messages that rip you apart as a person stay because you heard it everyday of your life and you believe it. Setting boundaries with an abusive person is key to dealing with them more logically and detaching with love. Therapy helped me to get rid of the anger and pain. I also recommend it if affordable and insurance helps cover it. Mom has Alzheimer's and is now legally incapacitated. As the Alz progressed I learned I had to treat my mother's behavior as though it was from the Alz and not her personality disorder. She still accuses us of things but it just rolls off my back now. Detaching with love is a skill we all need to learn to exercise. Please come back and share, vent or offer advice!!

Book, although I am new to this thread/site, I do feel such compassion for you and your family. The sadness of losing a parent has to be very difficult. I know it was when my father suddenly died. I hope you have a parent still alive and in your life!

No matter what, when you lose a parent, you have lost their opportunity to say "I'm so proud of you!" over even the smallist accomplishment. No one else remembers the thrill of the first day you walked!!! Forgave you when you were caught smoking...attended your graduations. Parents are always proud of their kids.

Forgive the bad things and remember the little efforts of kindness.
Bless you and your family.
Bonnie

Bonnie

Book I too am very sorry for your loss, but as others have said, she is finally at peace and now it is your turn to find your own peace. may the angels gather around you and keep you safe. Many hugs to you. LadyDi

Book,
I am truly sorry about the loss of your mother.
You did a very noble thing for her.
You and your mother are in my thoughts.
May her spirit soar very high.
My sincere condolences, Margeaux

Book~I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother is at peace now and she was very blessed to have you taking care of her. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you!!

(((((((book)))))) my condolences on your loss. What a long journey this has been for you and for her. Finally she is at peace. I am sure you have a lot of mixed feelings right now. Thanis for letting us know and keep us posted about how things are going for you. You can rest in that you have been very faithful in looking after your mum. You are a good daughter. More (((((((hugs)))))) and prayers ♥ Joan

Midnight here n about to go to bed. I just wanted to let you know that my mom has passed away this afternoon. I went straight from work to the hospital for the viewing and then the rosary.

I wrote earlier, if anyone reads what I said would think I am a "polyanna". I am not, my mom is mean to those around her in the usual Passive/aggressive way. She has always been that way. Dad was not around he was doing what all men of his generation did. He was the financial provider of the family. He may have stuck his head in the sand when it came to what mom was about when he was not there. I can only remember once when he actually stuck up for me. The dynamics of our family do not seem to be any different then other abusive homes I have read about on this site. But like I said all other family members simply walked away from mom when she found herself alone. I am doing the right thing for me. I can not stress getting therapy, if your budget will allow it. The burdens/luggage of the past become very heavy with time. And they can not be ignored. I pushed my life with my mom as far away from me as I could. I tried to pretend this all happened in a bad dream, and if I drank enough or eat enough it would all just "poof" go away. The damage from the abuse never left me. Then when I stepped up to care for mom, it all came crashing in again. All of that made it very hard to take care of her. That is when I became overwhelmed. My first visit with many questions from my therapist she asked me one question "has any of the other therapists tell you you have PTSD due to the abuse. I was in shock for days, then all of insanity started to make sense. PTSD does not define me, it explained me. I am now in the process of forgiving letting go of the anger and resentment. Not an easy thing to do when I live with the one person that had a hand in most of the abuse. That is why I said those of us that dealt with a less then healthy family life, are strong and powerful because stepped up and took things over. I am not here to create miracles, I am not hoping for a relationship I never had with my mother as a child. I simply think she does not need to be alone. It is not easy to be this close to her, she is still the same person I left behind years ago. But I am not that person she abused, I speak up now and stand up for myself without confrontation. I want peace. I am the only one that can make that happen. mom still asks "do you think I was a good Mother" I tell her she did what she knew how to do. I tell her she did the best she could. But I have to bite my toungue. I can not fix whatever nightmares she may be going thru. That is her path to travel. Thank you for listening again. One day at a time. First things first.

I tried to write something just a few minutes ago, but my computer died so I don't think everything I wrote will show up any where. How am I doing as the caregiver for my mother, well that question never comes up. I am glad someone took the time to ask. I am better these days. Mom is doing well, she moves alittle slower these days, forgetful and grumpy but healthy. I read so many times in this form get some professional help thru this. So, when I ended up overwhelmed and lost I took the step. thank you for everyone that kept making that suggestion. What I found out was, I was not going crazy, I am a survivor of my "family". That in itself was a relief. Then I had to ask myself why am I the one here with mom. The rest of the family simply walked away from it all. I know enough about myself now to know that taking care of mom, is something I can live with. She may not be everything we all needed but she does not need to live what is left of her life, alone. I am not a hero or anything else like that. I am a woman who believes what goes around comes around. Mom is living with her own nightmares, I can not fixed that, but I can take care of her to the best of my ability. Therapy was a blessing to me, if anyone out there is giving it some consideration. By God, get it done. You will discovery what you are really made of and you will be surprised to know that you are fine. I have learned I am ok to be angry and resentful for all that happened in the past and with time I will let that go and move on to being at peace with my family. I got tired of carrying around all that ancient history. I think that the "Norman Rockwell" family was someone elses life not mine. There are times now I can actually laugh at "some" of the crap. And I have to say it is funny to watch the others in family still going around and around about the past. I have said this before I am not a hero, I am recovering from a life of crap, and I am the one taking care of mom. My hat is off to all of us that had the guts to be the caregiver. We are all strong and very poweful people, we all faced the tough stuff and stepped up to be present and accounted for.

Joan~S has only been like Jekyll and Hyde since January. I have noticed that she gets very stressed during holidays or special days like Valentines Day and she can be hard to take because she will focus on one person and ride them all day long like she did me on Thanksgiving. She told me last month the weeks I requested for vacation were rejected. Yesterday I asked her about the alternate weeks I requested. Now she is saying they are approved so I am going to request the week of April 15th since our 36th anniversary is the 16th (that is why I requested it the first time). I hate office politics and am not good at playing the game.

Sarah~Learning to set boundaries is key. One thing I did several years ago was I would leave my parents house when I felt the tension rising. Sure enough my sis would call me later saying you were smart leaving when you did. I never could understand why she would not leave too. Instead she would stay and a big verbal fight would start and when she did finally go home, she was so emotionally upset by the incident and another Christmas, Thanksgiving was ruined. Set those boundaries and stick to them, learn about detaching with love. Hugs to you!!