The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

crawling out of my skin today. I found someone to care for mom one night a week so my sister and I can have a break. She wont hear of it, got very upset, stormed out. I can't keep up the pace I am doing now for long. We started radiation and chemo today

"I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime"

From the "answers" I've been reading, it sounds like my friend has alcoholism and maybe dementia as well. Do the two diseases feed one another? Someone else said they thought that might be the case.

Joan and many others have said some very important things about alcohol but I will relate my experience -I was not aware my friend had a problem for a long time even though she could not go out to lunch or to church and at the last moment told me she was having tummy problems and complained about her husband of needing nursing care until he drove to my house one day -he must have read her emails or listened into conversations as he knew what she was saying and he was very clear that what she had said about him was not true. I did not know she even had a drinking problem until she was arrested and driven home by a cop and told me she had had one drink on an empty stomach-but when she related that she had to attend AA meetings and do community service I realized the problems was indeed major and a friend called me and told me about her -anyway she became so ill she could not go out and get her liquor and actually went through the DT's on her own but had liver damage and was in the hospital and then PT rehab and was suppose to go to an alcohol treatment center as an inpatient but refused because she would not be allowed to take her car there and within days of getting home she was drinking again. I tried tough love and said to get in touch with me when she started AA meetings and had a sponsor which she never did-we have limited association now- by email but I know I can not help her -she prefers alcohol to my friendship and I do feel bad for her but she could get lots of help in this area where we live and she does not want to do that-a friend of hers use to call me but has not for a while-I let her know my activities and have suggested she do some things outside of the home but she does not want to-I feel you can only help those who want help.

Bonnie,

The description of your mother, sounds as if she is a very high functioning elderly woman. How great for your family that she has this caregiver, who really cares.

My mom is 91 yrs. old. She is in about stage 5 of ALZ. My sister and her daughters, and one of the daughter's boyfriends moved into mother's home about 4 years ago, when mother and mom's sister's health was in decline and could no longer live alone. My sister works a full time job, and because it was in charge of the care of two women. She had to hire help.

Since that time, the older daughter and boyfriend are now married with a baby, and moved out. The younger daughter, (one I wrote about), is 23 years old. She is problematic, in that she doesn't respect authority, and basically wasn't raised to be way more cooperative if she is to live with people. Ideally she should help out, as I think any young adult, over the age of 18 years should. She doesn't pay rent there,
gets the car she uses, free, as my sister foolishly pays for that. Besides, my mother many years ago, was a big help to my sister, who raised her family as a single parent. Mom, and even our aunt, were continually called upon while my sister's daughters were school age, to take, and pick them up from school. So in this scenario, I don't think it's much to expect this daughter to help out a bit.

This communication I had with mother during the visit was a rare event. She not longer initiates conversation, so a family history interview isn't an option any more.

My neighbor has some problems. She lives in a small house, and then has two small apartments on the same property right next door. She is a nice lady, just that I've noticed this pattern as of recent when she drinks. So a year and a half ago, she was having landlord/tenant problems. She ended up having to evict all her tenants, for non-payment of rent. I heard about this saga, from A-Z, throughout the whole time it was happening. After that, she got a management company to handle the rentals. But from her convoluted stories about it, I know this management company is taking advantage of her. I've grown tired of hearing this particular story, since IMO, she doesn't inform herself about landlord/tenant laws; some of recurring problems having to do with her lack of how important contractual agreements are between parties. Her daughter being on the title of said property, this is why I suggested to her the last time she thought she was going to start telling me about her current dilemma, I did say, it's possibly time to recruit your daughter and son-in-law into this. I'm unwilling too listen to this anymore.

But taking her to her doctor's, or these recent procedures, well the reason the other friend, and I were asked to do this, is because the daughter just won't do that. Anyway, there are some things I know about my neighbor as a friend, so that I think if I were to ask her whether her daughter was asked, etc., is like throwing salt on the wound. I've done this and other small things for her because I want to.
I'm going to use a more subtle approach, by putting some boundaries in place. I'm thankful that I live in a community where neighbors still interact w/one another too.
Margeaux

Sharyn...My drinking gal, Lynn, has a great husband but he will not discuss his wife's health at all! I never talk to him alone. Can't even get a work number for him! Lynn has told me several times that she is NOT going to stop drinking. It's just such a shame. When she turned 62 I told her to start collecting her Soc Sec. because she may not be around to collect the higher amount at 72!

My mother is 94 and still lives in her home, writes books, reads constantly...all in good shape except for a toe that bothers her terribly! She has a fantastic gal that comes 10 - about 4pm Monday - Friday. Andrea was a Godsent, and has grown to love my mother very much. She has extended Mom's life lease, for sure. In addition, Andrea's parents live three doors down from Mom! Her parents are very much like Andrea, too. Andrea was the manager for a local Child Care center before she came to work for Mom. She says taking care of one wonderful lady is a great deal better than a room full of little kids! I think finding a caring person who is really compatible with the person in need, is so important. I've seen family members try to do it all themselves but then, if the parent/patient has to give up their home, well, that doesn't work too well in many cases. I've seen where grandchildren (in need of a place to live for free) will move in ... but that rarely works as the grandchild really wants their own life! I really don't know what to suggest. Thankgoodness your niece is not relied upon to provide care for your mother! How often do you go over to visit with your mother? That was a cute story about the dancers! And so great you could laugh together! Has your family thought of doing a "family history interview" with her? There might be stories she hasn't shared or her family traditions when she was a child...those are great to keep the mind active and what a treasure for future generations! Even getting her to talk about favorite foods...anyway, I'm sure you have thought of that.

As for your neighbor...each time she asks you to help solve a problem, be sure to reply with "have you asked your daughter...what did she say.." It might be a way to get her to recognize her daughter is the next of kin! If you have a chance, maybe talk with the daughter yourself and see if she'd like you to call her when her mother needs her? Try to stay away from the negative remarks of your neighbor. Is she prone to gossip?

Thanks so much for you warm welcome! Bonnie

Bonnie~Welcome to the thread!! I am sorry what you are going through with your friend and how it is not only causing your stress but grieving your friends former personality before the alcohol became a problem. I hope her husband can find her help, is he going to Al Anon meetings? Maybe you could suggest that for him.
Margeaux~I am glad your visit with your mom was good other than the distractions from your niece. I don't know what the situation is with your mom's meds. but if she is lucid during the time you were there, is it possible the some of her medications is causing her to sleep so much?...Just a thought. As far as your neighbor goes, setting boundaries is the right thing to do. It sounds like she resents others who have good relationships with their spouses, which tells me she sees the spouse as interfering in her getting more of yours and others attention.
Dabs~When we come dysfunctional families, we tend to fall back into the roles we had when we were children and the dynamics of the family we grew up in continues when we are with are siblings. I see this with my sister and me. Simply because she thinks I am the younger sister who does not know as much as she. I have learned to not let her do that to me. She has gotten better about it, but it still comes out in her from time to time. I don't know if this is what happens with you and your brother, but try to set boundaries with your brother and as the primary person on the DPOA, if you have to usurp your authority in mom's best interest, then do it. I know, easier said than done. Keep us posted on the upcoming appt.

The appt. with the agent for mom's LTC policy went well. The copy of the policy sis and I have is not updated so the life time benefit, daily amount it will pay for assisted living, etc is more that what the copy says it will pay. We found out that the policy will cover 100% of the cost of the senior living facility we are wanting to place mom in. However, it will only cover it for 4 years. That is the maximum life time of this policy once it is activated for a facility. It will also cover Adult Day Care which I am going to check into at this facility as possibly be a way to provide for mom's safety issues until everything is settled. I feel better after talking with the agent. He advised against home health care because of the cost plus mom would still have to pay the premium during that phase of care. He reassured us that we were doing everything we possibly can at point and it sounds to him like it is time to place mom and she is very possibly incapacitated at this point. He said the policy includes counseling with a case care manager who can advise us on how to make the move with mom even though she doesn't want to go.

After the appt., sis and I went to mom's to get all her files on everything, health, records on my dad, insurance, finances. She would not let us take them until we called Helen. She was afraid she end up in prison if we took these. Helen told her it was ok and necessary that we take these files to organize them so we can easier find something. Mom has all the records regarding going to court when my dad was certified incapacitated. She has medical records going back to 1992. It all needs to be gone through to determine what is necessary and what isn't. Hugs to everyone, hoping your day is good!!

I went to mother's on Saturday night. She was sleeping when I arrived. My sister was there for awhile, then left. Later, mom did somewhat wake up, and we were watching this variety show she likes to watch. This program has all of these contests on it. One of them was a dance competition, of women who were wearing numbers. I couldn't believe what we were watching. The dress code worn by them, was quite risque, and in very poor taste. Then, mother made me laugh as she said, "Oh my, why do those fat women wear that costume." She also didn't like all the bouncing and vulgar moves they were doing. We both were laughing, as it became more ridiculous. Anyway, on this note, I was able to have somewhat of an insight as to how mom is thinking. Her statements sounded logical to me. She recognized me. So overall, it was a good visit with mom.

Other things going on, were that the problematic daughter of my sister, was there in and out w/a couple of girlfriends. As some of you know, she's 23, moved there with my sister over 4 yrs. ago. She came in about 8:30 p.m. w/gf's. They went upstairs, and were being quite loud. I was hoping they'd leave and I wasn't going to have to go up there to tell her to turn the noise down. She's the confrontational type, and my sister didn't teach her to respect others, especially her elders.
Fortunately, she left at 9:45, but returned about 3:00, in the a.m. Her gf's stayed the night there too. It felt a bit as if I was at a hotel, I must say. Anyway, my sister let's her do what ever she wants, she's very spoiled.

All in all, it went o.k. I'm glad I was able spend time with mom.
She is still her frank self. My sister was telling me some more instances of the main caregiver not complying with her responsibilities.
Honestly, I don't know why my sister just doesn't let this one go. I think she's reached her expiration date. But sis, also told me that recently, mom asked my sister, "who is that lady,"? She was referring to the caregiver. So my sister did say something like, "well, now I know, if she doesn't come anymore, it possibly won't really impact mom." So, she isn't as indispensable as she might think.
We will see. Margeaux

BonnieW,

Welcome to the thread. This neighbor, is a very nice lady. One of the reasons I help her, is the fact that her own daughter who lives in the same town, never comes around, especially when her mother is having a venous procedure as she had this last month, done to both legs and follow-up visits. So she asked me and her other friend who was visiting the day I stopped by to check in on her.

My presence, nor absence isn't going to impact her decision to have wine or not. Anyway, she does speak very negatively about some of her other friends who have been married and in relationships. The woman who was visiting her that day, lost her husband about a year ago. This man was quite ill, and yes his wife was his caregiver the last few years, and it was very taxing on her. But she seemed to do it willingly, and out of love. Many times my neighbor has made comments to me about that situation, speaking as if this friend was having an issue doing the caregiving for this man, because my neighbor didn't like him.
So, I did have to point out to her also, that this is what hopefully people in a marriage do for one another. Yes, it's work as we all know by now if one has ever had the charge of another person, no less someone who is ill, but let's not layer it with negative feelings.

I'm not going to totally let go of the friendship, but I am going to put some other rules in place, definitely. It's interesting, because she has complained to me over the last few years also, since she has rental apts. on her properties. Last two years, she went through some costly evictions. Again there, I assisted her. She finally was able to evict some non-paying tenants. She doesn't know how to manage her properties, and currently hinting she's having similar problems.
Well, basically I'm not going to be her sound board anymore. I'm willing to help people, but if I sense they are going to start to become impolite, taken me for granted, then the rules change. Besides, I think it's time for her own daughter to be called into start monitoring her own mother. Margeaux

Things at work are quiet, boss is on vacation. Found out on Wednesday the girl who called in was not who I thought. The girl who did call in, her father had another stroke, her parents with with her and her husband, brother and sil. Anyway the boss constantly made snide remarks to her on Thursday for calling Wednesday. Boss had to work 10 hours Wednesday and was not happy because it was also her granddaughters 1st birthday. Finally the girl who call in, told the boss thursday, "You are making me feel guilty because my dad had a stroke!" Boss changed her tune after that. Well, gotta go to an appt. with the agent who sold my mother her LTC policy to have it explained in more detail. I am thinking we will need to hire a caregiver to help me out until we get things settled, Hugs to everyone!!

(((((((((Bonnie)))))) I could tell you were grieving. Probably the best you can do for Lynn is listen to her, and maintain contact. I remember a quote from Mother Teresa about listening to the drunkard. You might want to call the Alanon hotline, or go to a few Alanon meetings to get some advice and information there. I see what a wonderful friend she has been to you. And I also see how helpless you feel. Bonnie, I have been there too, with people closer than the friend from whom I eventually separated. My daughter is an alcoholic, and thankfully, some years ago asked me for help. Before that she had been very difficult and we were not close. I told her if she ever needed help I would be there for her. She did stop drinking at that time, I supported her in any way I could. She came to live with me for a while. Then her life seemed to goi well for some years. Something has happened in the past year or so, she got rid of the few friends she had, and she has recently cut contact with me, which isolates me from my grandkids. It is not easy, but I have to let go and let God, and detach from her. So I understand/share your pain and feelings of helplessness. I know you want desperately to help her. ((((((((hugs))))))) do come back and let us know how you are. Joan.

Joan, how wonderful of you to be a voice and a comfort to me.
Ii feel so helpless while I still try to be on egg shells talking with Lynn as I worry she will just distance herself from any conflict. My heart breaks for her in no uncertain terms. She gave 100% to help me when I was in need of comfort when my husband was MIA and then KIA. She gave up so much to be with me. She just was the best friend any one could have. She means so much and I am in terrible grief wondering if she will be her old self, once again. I am really helpless here. All I can do is call her and hope she answers. as I was in such emotional distress over my husband's KIA

Hi Bonnie. I am 75 myself and my mother is 100. I am her POA, and go to person, but at a distance. She lives by choice in another city. Due to her mental illness, I have had to emotionally distance/detach myself recently, I have a couple of health issues, so need to look after myself. Stress causes flareups. I have enough to do with my sig other, a decent sized house, a demanding cat, and a couple of kids and inlaws. Sig other - Gary - likes me to go with him on business trips, so that takes time too.
Sounds like L is in bad shape and her husband is really the closest person, and therefore the one who needs to intervene. I understand Glen's feeling of disloyalty by talking about people. My G. is similar. I think it may be a mainly a male thing. Could you write out your concerns and send it to him? You do have a very strong connection with both of them. Alcoholism strikes anyone! A PHD is no protection, nor expertise in psychology.
I am glad you are blessed with a good life. I caan see you are a compassionate person who would like to help L, But, I believ she will have to hit bottom, Wishing her mum would die does not seem right, especially if mum is not in pain and has some functionality. It is good that Glen has POA etc. I think it is normal for people to wish their parent would die when they are struggling and in very poor health, but it is not usual in the situation you quote.

Please do write back. I can see you are concerned and need support, and there is lots if that here. ((((((Hugs)))))) Joan

Joan, you really do understand! First off, for L, her mother came to live NEAR L and husband...a very nice AL...altho her mum never fit in. I do believe her mother has some kind of dementia or just doesn't care very much about where she is! Every time I'm back in the DC area, I go to visit her. she always knows who I am and we have a very nice visit. She is fine with going for a ride and having ice cream. True, seeing me is fun, I'm not her caregiver, she just enjoys the time. However, L has been telling me for the last few years (well, ever since her mum moved up the the Washington DC area) that L wishes she (mum) would just die. I'm not sure if that is highly unusual as I've seen other children just waiting for their parent to die. anyway, she isn't going to die any time soon (my bet is L will die before her mother at the rate L is going). The mum is now in a nursing home because she refuses to exercise, eat properly, get dressed so on and so forth. Whereas L did have POA, I learned from the AL that L's husband came and took L off and put himself on as the POA. I'm really glad about that as L was not up to handling any financial as well as physical and emotional issues. I don't know if L even knows she is no longer being responsible for her mum.. I think L's family (what there is left of it) has given up. Her only child, a daughter has very little to do with her usinig the excuse/truth that she is so busy with her own family (2 little ones) and now her MIL is widowed and demands a good amount of attention. L has this "thing" about what people "owe her" and I'm sure that turns off her daughter. For example, she counts every holiday as if it were "her" right to dictate where daughter and family are going to be...And the odd thing is, when d and kids do come (Xmas Eve) L had only appitizers and pizza delivered. She never seems to cook any more. She has a beautiful 5000 sq. ft house a housekeeper 1x week, her husband does the food shopping/fetching. L really doesn't do much. I've watched her go downhill so much that it does make me think that she is nearly at a place where she should not be left alone. Her memory is really going, too, so it is difficult to assess what her functionality really is. Joan, this gets a bit tougher to walk away from as we are really linked. You see, not only were we next door neighbors, but when my first husband was killed in Vietnam, the officer assigned to help me with all the paperwork and Arlington burial, so on and so forth, fell in love with L and they married within a year. so, I'm really like a sister in law to her husband, Glen. Yet, he won't confide in me as he sees talking about L as disloyal to her. And get this, L has a PhD in psychology....scary

I am so blesses with a healthy life and a healthy husband! Allbeit, that he is bossey and just what a retired General would be like.

Thanks for listening. Now, are you taking care of someone in your home or just neighbors?
And I do understand Joan, that some times it is necessary to distance oneself from distructive relationships. I think I learned that one more from old flames than my lady friends! But I know what you mean. I'll write back if you don't mind!
Bonnie

Bonnie - missed your last post - no bulbs up here. I miss the snowdrops from Ontario where I grew up.

Wanted to mention that I know how hard it is to see a good friend have one illness after another. I have a friend of over 40 years who is like this. Her arthritis is getting worse and worse. She had a mastectomy a few years ago, then later an emergency appendectomy. This year she has a second mastectomy. I feel like I am losing her in pieces. It is sad, though she has a very good attitude. She is widowed and has lost a son as well.

Hi Bonnie - that is too bad about L. I can see you are worried about both your friends, and with good reason, It is good that L has a husband that will not leave her. I am not clear - is L's mother staying with her?There are a few caregivers on here who admit to using alcohol to cope. Doesn't sound like she is capable of doing much for her mum if she is in bed a lot. Alcohol is a depressant so if may be hard to see which is the horse and which is the cart with depression and alcohol. It must be hard for you to see her mum decline if she was a second mum to you. What a sad situation for S - all those health issues and no friends since they moved. Sounds like her husband is very disrespectful. It must be very discouraging for S and I can certainly see why it was upsetting for you. She does need support. As
a person gets older and with more health issues, social contact can decrease, and technology can be a great help.

No, not the pacific northwest. I wish! I am in Northern Alberta, Canada. There is a pile of snow about 10 ft high outside the front door piled by G shovelling the driveway. We will not be rid of snow till into April. We had record amounts of the white stuff this year. Agreed - there are lovely ladies here :) Blessings Joan

correction...we have not had any snow and bulbs are all up and smiling. Guess you are not in our neck of the woods. Bonnie

Oh thank you so much for taking the time to write~and such great suggestions. To clarify, these are two different friends. the one who drinks too much wine was my next door neighbor growing up. She is an only child whereas I am the middle of 5 kids! I know L. is very very depressed and has gotten far worse as her mother has declined in mental health. When her widowed mother moved from her close knit hometown in the rural area of VA/TN/KY to swanky Potomac, MD, it threw her for a cultural loop. L.'s mom was like a second mother to me and I love her dearly. L. just can't see that her depression is leading to alcoholism! Her husband is either so busy at work or he just can't stand to argue with her. He is the sort of man that will NEVER leave her, which is darn good for her!
The other friend S. is the one with PD, cancer and knee replacements...brother! They moved from here (Seattle area) a few years ago. S had many many friends and is a social outgoing person. Her husband R. is a know it all and can't stand most people. they have not made any friends in the new town as S. can't get out. She does do a swim class or at least she did before the knee surgery. I went to visit them last 4th of July and just about cried at the way R. treated her. Not hitting or such, but making remarks about her in the 3rd person and being such a martyer .I don't know how she stands it. She is currently in recoop place and is making great progress. Happier than ever that he isn't there 24/7. Thanks for the help, I'll try to find a venue for her to get some mutual support. She uses her IPad and other notebook things so can communicate that way. I relaly appreciate the help you have given. What a lovely group of ladies!
So emjo, I bet you are in the Pacific Northwest as I am. It is so beautiful today!

again, thanks so much. Really appreciate all this help. Bonnie

Bonnie, there are some on here who are caregiving a person with PD. You could do a search and/or post a question, To post a question click on "Caregiver Forum" on the banner at the top of the page and click on "Ask a question". Is this the friend who drinks? Her husband sounds very controlling. Other than Aging Care, I suspect if you googled PD forum you might find something for her. certainly she needs support. Good luck!

cmag - that step dad of yours is causing some problems, Glad the nursing home staff can help with this. It must be very frustrating.
book thanks for thinking of me. It is not a nice situation, I have had to distance/detach from my mum and my sister, and now it has happened with my daughter, who in my view is seriously depressed. I have written her about making arrangements to see my grandchildren as I do not feel free to drop in (with a phone call first of course) as i used to anymore, and she has not answered me - so I am now in the postion of not being able to make arrangements to see my grandchildren. It doesn't feel good. I have had a very good relationship with my grandkids, and I guess I have to wait till they grow up and can make their own decisions, unless my daughter comes out of this "mood" before that. I have to say it is bothering me. Or I coud just drop over as I used to and take what comes from my daughter. Last time I called she didn't answer the phone and I know she was home.

A beautiful sunny day sounds nice. We have had some good weather, but that here means the snow is melting. Thankfully Gary does the garden so I don't have to worry about it, but can do as much as I feel like. We wonlt garden here of another 2 months, as the ground stays frozen.

margeaux - it does sound like things with the caregiver have gotten out of hand. I hope you are managing well this weekend. You will have a better idea of how your mum is with spending time with her. I really dislike it when people spout things and then do not follow through, or even behave the opposite. Re my mum - I have heard nothing from her since I laid down the law about no more nastiness For those of you who are new, she does not have dementia, but has had Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism all her life. It has been hard. I think with her is it all or nothing, black or white. her only way of coping with me saying I won't take any more nastiness is to stop writing, as she is incapable of having any kind of normal correspondence. The same is true of my sister, though she can appear quite pleasant for a while, but sooner or later I get slammed and I don't need it any more. My daughter is the same - her way or no way -there is no compromise. I am very sad this weekend about my grandkids. Hard to see your neighbour like that when you are trying to help her, but people who neede to drink will go to great lengths to get it.
welcome Bonnie - sounds like your friend may have gastritis from drinking. I don't know that there is much anyone can do with an addict. Mentioning it to her will not help usually. You may want to go to Alanon or a drug/alcohol agency for information/advice. it is terribly hard to see a loved one self destruct, but they have to "hit bottom" before they decide to change.Talking about ending friendships due to addiction/ unhealthy behaviour, I have some experience with that. I had a girlfriend of some years who was taking drugs. I had that confirmed by a household member. I knew she had a source. She had MS and was admitted to hospital. I called her doctor and told him, and he believed me. They "dried" her out and, of course, when she left hospital she returned to them. Eventually, I dropped the relationship as it was too hard on me. She would call - in a drug fog -with stories etc, and I could not carry on like that. Honestly, as much as I appreciated the friendship at the beginning, I have no regrets about this. As far as I know she is still using. One has to go through a grieving process, as I am with the women in my family, as it hurts when there is a long or a lifetime relationship, but in the end we all have took after ourselves. I find the stress from these people is too hard on me, Be sure that you cannot change anyone else - only yourself.
dabsmom -I lost it a long time ago and i don't think I want it back! Join the crowd.Glad your mum is gettting some sleep. I know what you mean about her looking so small - my mum looks more that way sometimes too. Stick to your guns as to who is going to the appointment. I know what you mean about controlling people who try to make you feel like and idiot or like a monster. Sounds like you have an excellent neurologist. Glad you are seeing through your bro and the CG. Manipulators - so sick of that. Go on and on all you like!
Just feeling sad here about my daughter and my grandkids. She is estranged from my middle son and his wife, and now she is estranged from me. Her husband is a decent guy, but under her thumb I think. I just have to pray about it and I appreciate any prayers from those of you who do. As well, she doesn't want to hear anything about mother. When ever the ALF has informed me that mother has gone to hospital, I have told my daughter, as she has been the one of my children in most contact with mother, and if anything happened to me someone else needs to know. I will ask my son up here if he will take that responsibility. I believe that at least 2 family members should have that information. My sister lives over seas, so it has to be someone here.
Wishing everyone a good day and some relief from the craziness. G and I go on a short business trip next week to BC. I am hoping it will help get me out of this "cabin fever" or maybe SAD. A change should be good. Friday, I had a 4 hours coffee with an ex student - a middle aged lady with whom I have things in common. It was great and we will meet again. This is a very young city - average age was 25 some years ago, so it is nice to know someone in the same stage, a few years pre retirement, as we are. I feel for you Bonnie - it is not easy to find friends.
(((((((hugs)))))) and blessings to all Joan

Does any one know of a similar forum for the person with PD? My friend is in stage 4 (I think, maybe 5) and her husband is sole caregiver. He is very domineering and down right mean to her at times. He will not allow anyone into their house to help. Poor gal, she has had breast cancer diagnosed last August and breast taken off in September. Knee replacements...one last week the other a year ago. I feel so sorry for her poor little body! She is only 67 and has had Parkinson's diagnosed for 11 years. Her husband has all of her phone calls on "speaker phone" as he insists on listening to her. He opens and reads her mail. there really isn't any way for her to vent so I'm asking if anyone knows any way she can find a group similiar to this one? This may be a new topic. I am very new to this and not sure how to get active! Thanks for any help and if this is a new topic, how do I make it one? Bonnie

sharyn - I am glad that you got through to your sis - FINALLY. It is becoming unsafe for your mum to stay at home. I hope you get someime to go out with your camera. I know it does a lot for you.
susan - how are things going in your house? You said you had a very tough day.
dabsmom - I am gkad the visitors are gone Your brother in coming in a matter of days. I do hope he gets "clued in" during the neurologist;s visit and just being ariund your mum more. Glad you could take in a basketball tournament - a littke "normal". Your sis does not want to mover into the world of technology! I think your atittude towards accep[ting one;s limitati9ns (we all have them) is very healthy.
margeaux - hope your visit goes well
imm897 - I do appreciate what you wrote. No matter how you strugggle you can't remove yourself from family dysfunction, I have reached a point of detaching from several family members - my mother, my sister and now my daughter - all of whom have characteristics if narcissism. I am convinced it is genetic in my family. yes, we hope to grow, but it does have a price. We do not come out of thus unscarred.
austin - good to see you - you may be right that the boss will move on to someone else - hopefully
book - why don't you celebrate holidays any more? I think you are right - don't accept all requests for overtime, and don't refuse all.

Hey there everyone. I think I'm loosing it...... I thought I posted a hello to all our new members, and commented to book about the whole holiday thing, but I may have posted it on one of the other threads. I follow several, and don't always have a chance to check posts everyday, so I miss some things.....get confused..... Oh geez...under the circumstances that scares me....
OK... I have mom here for the weekend, now that her insensitive out of town guests are gone. Poor thing was so tired last night. After dinner she rummaged around in her room for awhile "looking for things", then came out to watch TV. She sat in the comfy chair with her feet up, and fell asleep within minutes. I didn't have the heart to wake her to get her into bed, but had to give her meds anyhow. She looked so "small" to me sitting there with her head bent over like a little kid, and snoring like a freight train. It makes my heart hurt....
The dreadful visit from my idiot brother is coming up this week. He gets into town on Thursday afternoon. I had mentioned before that he's going with me to mom's appt. on Friday with her ALZ doc. I don't know why I let the little s**t get to me like he does. I know his game, his controlling nature, and his money grubbing attitude, and yet I always feel like an incompetent when he's around. For crying out loud, I've got 2 bachelor's degrees, and a masters, have had a very satisfying professional life, and know so much more about Mom's situation than he could ever dream of knowing, or for that matter, wanting to know. I just feel like I'm going to end up between a rock and a hard place again when he's here scrutinizing everything, and Mom makes her huge effort to fake her way thru his visit. Oh yes, she'll use her walker, and do whatever he tells her to do, including taking her meds without a fuss. She'll exhaust herself trying to convince him that's she's fine. He's so out of the loop that he hasn't got a clue what her day to day behavior is like. I can only imagine what the visit to the doc will be like. He'll second guess the doc just like he second guesses me. Mom's doc is one of the best Neuro guys in the South East. He runs the Carolina's Memory Center, and is one of the best in the field. He actually worked on the research when Aricept and Namenda were being launched. I've known him for years.... I worked closely with him both when I was with Hospice, and when I was working in long term care (AL and ALZ care), and have total respect for him.
My brother thinks he's going to bring his over opinionated wife to the appt. too. NO WAY!!! My husband isn't going(he thinks it should be just my brother and I) and I certainly don't need her there making things even more difficult. Mom is going to have a hard enough time with him and I being there. She doesn't even know he's coming to visit yet. If she knew she'd be totally psycho all week. During his last visit he called a "family meeting" and insisted that her very close friend/neighbor and her CG be there. He acted like he was running one of his corporate meetings. He totally intimidated both the neighbor and the CG. The care giver tells him what she thinks he wants to hear, because she's afraid he'll cut her loose. If it weren't for her I don't know where things would be with mom. Problem is that she is so attached to mom that if we do decide to move her to AL she'll be devastated, not to mention she'll loose her job. For the past 2 months now she's been telling me how much mom is changing and that her mind is really going south, then this past several days she's been telling me how she thinks mom is doing pretty good, and that she thinks it would be too hard on mom to move. Between little jerk brother not wanting to spend the money, and not being able to "wrap his head around it", and the CG wanting to keep her job, I know that once again I'll be the bad guy.

Yikes, I've gone on and on. Sorry. I'll try to stay up on posts over the next few days. In the meantime tight hugs to all.

first posting but eager to comment on your experience with neighbor and wine. I've a dear friend who has a mother in AL near by her...and my friend has been getting worse and worse, drinking too much and is not able to manage her own health let alone her mother's. In addition, I really think she has early stage (let's hope it is early!) dementia as her mother has been diagnosed. Friend has a husband who is in total denial and is uncommunative to me or other friends that are concerned. Friend is 62 living in MD and I'm 65 in Seattle. Does anyone have any suggestions for help? Friend is currently having "stomach flu" that has lasted for over 2 weeks. Maybe yes/maybe no...as she is always asleep when I call. Husband travels on business frequently so she is home alone.
So, I don't know what you can do about your neighbor...guess just go with your gut instincts. Sounds to me like you are a very good friend so it must be terribly hard for you to see her abusing her health. That's how I feel about my friend, too.

When I do call my friend, she tells me not to harp on her...gets very upset if I say anythng about drinking. She has been like a sister to me for all of her 62 years. It really hurts to see her drink herself to death.
Maybe I'm off topic but it seems to me your neighbors drinking wine is up to them, and more than likely their comments about you needing to leave were nothing but excuses for them to have an other glass of wine. If you want to end the friendship, that's your right but how would you feel about it?
Bonnie

Margeaux~I hope your visit with your mom is good. It is hard when our parent declines and if you see a change in your mom, be prepared to grieve the change.Hugs to you!

Well, last week I once again took my neighbor for another venous procedure on her leg. I'd taken her for the first one about two weeks ago, then a follow up appt.
She has a daughter who lives in the same town, but never offers any assistance, nor even visits when she's had these procedures done. The daughter sends her husband, (who is very busy), and he's a very nice man. Needless to say my neighbor doesn't have a good relationship w/the daughter.

So after the procedure, she again as the first one wanted me to stop at a local store and asked me to get her some wine. Pre-op instructions for the procedure were that she not have alcohol, nor aspirins because of blood thinning. She takes high blood pressure meds. Anyway, I walked her into her house as she needed the assistance, and left. A few hours later, one of her friends who also helps her was visiting her. So I again stopped in to see if she needed anything, dinner, as she has to stay off that leg. They were having a glass of wine, and invited me, but I declined. I did sit there awhile and visited. So at some point, my neighbor said it was 6:30. I then said that I had to go. My neighbor then went into this dialogue to her friend, about how I had to go home, because I had to cook dinner for my husband. First of all, this really annoyed me, because she's done this before. I so do not like it when one person says something to another person about you, and you are right there in their presence. I didn't appreciate it either that my neighbor says I have to do anything. I immediately got up, and somewhat corrected her, about her comment stating that this isn't the only reason I was leaving; I have other things to do. But anyway, I was wondering, have any of you had a person like my neighbor who IMO, is bitter about relationships and uses situations like this to project negative feelings upon people? Am I being too sensitive, or are my feelings correct? I'm not sure how much wine she'd had before I dropped by for the visit, but she had at least two big glasses while I was there. Anyway, I felt somewhat embarrassed by this comment in front of her friend also.

So after that which was yesterday, I didn't see the neighbor all day.
During the evening I decided to do my walk around the block for some exercise.
I was on my second lap, and who do I see coming towards me from the other end? My neighbor! We said hello, I asking how her leg was. I then asked her where she was coming from, and she replied the liquor store. I know she must have had a bottle of wine inside her purse, because that's where she puts it.
Actually, she looked kind of like she'd just eaten a canary, when I asked her where she was coming from. Anyway, she continued on home, and continued my walk. Margeaux

Hi Dabs,

I was wondering, was it you, who had posted that you had Hospice experience?
Margeaux

Emjo,

I was re-reading posts. Yes, I have to say that I was getting the same impression about Sharyn's supervisor. Actually, you took the words right out of my mouth, about," walking the walk, instead of the talk." The main caregiver at mom's does this. She has all of these sayings of the religious nature, but then she does and says things that raises people's eyebrows.

Well, I will find out this weekend how mom is doing. As I wrote to Dabs, I'm hoping she's having those awake days, that my sister says she is now having.
She told me the other day, that this is becoming a pattern, so we'll see.

How is your mom doing, Emjo. I hope she is being calm.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Dabs,

This is a very good observation that you've made about the "new normal," after an elder has had an illness. I completely agree with you. Mom had some bad acid reflux, which I think she has had for years, even before she was diagnosed with the ALZ. This last year after her sister died, I don't know if it was becoming aggravated a few mos. after that loss for mom. But also, her main caregiver was cooking some heavy foods, with too much spice in it. It used to make me quite annoyed, when this lady would not comply with requests by my sister and me to cut back on this kind of food for mom. Also, there are some people who equate giving people more food, as to quantity, and many seniors can no longer digest as much food, because they don't get as much exercise either.

This same caregiver has been there at mom's for over 3 years now. She doesn't seem to follow my sister's instructions, and has become IMO, too comfortable in her position there as a caregiver. She used to spend the night, which I guess she finally was getting burned out from. So she told my sister, that she could no longer do this. My sister has had various problems with her since, like not being on time for work, and the caregiver basically doing what she wants, instead of what needs to be done. But I know sister is very reluctant to just let her go, since mom is bonded with her.So I do understand this part of the decisions my sister has to call. But apparently, my sister is also having to take what she has coming to her, (floating days off), from work. On these days in the past, she still had this caregiver come in. But my sister claims that the caregiver told her at the very last minute on Thurs., that she couldn't make it Fri., morning because she was going to the dentist. Now my sister can accommodate this, given the caregiver gives her adequate notice. She did not. So this caregiver had the nerve to suggest to my sister that she call one of the other CG's, for that morning, then she'd show up in the afternoon. My sister told her, not to bother to come in, that she had that day off anyway. I'm afraid that this CG, better start to consider the flexibility sis has shown her. Oh and speaking of excuses, or the church explanations, this CG uses this all the time, as to why she can't make it at other times during the week.

This must be difficult, Dabs the situation you have going on w/your brother.
We had this previously, also w/a brother who definitely behaved in pig headed fashion. During those years, he was completely in charge. The greed was definitely at the forefront. But since it had to do w/the Living Trusts of both mom and her sister, once the two elderly women's health took a dramatic turn, and our brother was being negligent about their needs, our narcissistic aunt changed the POA's to my sister and youngest brother. But I'm familiar w/a relative of this caliber, who is really only has their own agenda. While this brother had the power, he used to keep the rest of us in the dark about many very important matters.

O.K., Dabs, we'll be doing the same thing this weekend. I'm going to relieve my sister. I hope you have a great weekend with your mom, as I plan to with mine. Also, I'll be thinking about you with this upcoming appointment,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag~It is frustrating especially when the dementia patient does not recognize their limitations. My mother has not had a stroke, but she believes there is nothing wrong with her.Yesterday she got a telemarketing call that upset her because she thinks these callers are trying to kick her out of her house. I tell her it was probably a wrong number. Today she called me at 7:30am saying someone took the brown things that she made off each end of something in the living room. It took me a while to understand exactly what she was talking about. It turned out to be the afgans she crocheted to cover the couch cousins. She found them a few minutes later in a drawer in one of the bedrooms. When I went over later to give her medication, she couldn't find her keys. I really think these phones calls upset her to the point that she starts hiding things.

Yes today was a beautiful sunny warm day. March is really unpredictable here because it will bounce back and forth on into April before our weather takes on a more spring like season. My roses are growing like crazy and I need to prune them back.If you hire a yard service, make sure they are willing to prune shrubs and roses even if you have to pay them more for it because we have some services here that only want to come in once a week to mow the lawn and nothing more.