The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

book, my mother never worked with the PT unlike once before when she had a stroke and thus is totally bedridden like your dad. However, her dementia at times leads her to believe that she has been actually walking.

Sharyn, you are right and that is basically what I do plus call the social worker. Sounds like you have nice weather there. It is too cold here to get yard work done, plus I don't feel like doing yard work anyhow. I think I might pay someone to do it this year.

No, book, it will never end. It is frustrating, but all I can do is use the broken record technique of having the same response over and over again. I think my step-dad and/or his helper get mom worked up about this theme of going home. Thanks!
Take care.

Cmag~If I remember correctly, your mother has dementia. When she calls you asking to come home, would it help if you tell her you are checking into it. Is the only time she asks is when your step dad visits her? If so, by telling her you are checking into it may comfort her enough to where she forgets about it again for awhile.

Wow, it is in the mid 70's here today. I wish I stay home and do some yard work.

Cmag...as I read your comments, I just sighed. It will never end will it? Mom and step father will continue to blame you and not accept the facts that she is getting worse. My father believed he was right and absolutely refused Physical therapy after his stroke. He's now permanently bedridden with his left leg stuck in a crooked position. I hope with your mom not doing what she needs to do - doesn't end up like my father. Now, he is so tired of laying on bed all day every day. Sucks when you're right all the time (when in actuality you're not.)

I also couldn't help thinking of Emjo's situation with her mom. It got to the point that she had to distance herself for her sanity. You haven't reached that stage but I can hear the frustration. Like you said, it's not going to make a difference at all. Unfortunately step father and mom still believe that they are "healthy" and can take care of each other. Nobody will be able to persuade them otherwise (even if they're bedridden and can't move their left side - they know better than anyone or the physical therapist..talking about my father). Maybe someone reading your words, experienced what you're going thru, might be able to give you some pointers that worked for them. Just hang in there because it sure ain't going to stop!! You take care, Cmag....

My mother called again today back on her theme of wanting to go home for she thinks that she has been in the nursing home long enough. We've had this discussion with her, my step-dad, and her care team who explained to her why she is not a safe discharge, but what steps she could take at that time to reach that goal. Since then, she has not worked with PT to learn to walk again or become less dependent upon the CNAs, etc. in any way. Also, home is not a safe place and her husband is helpless in a wheelchair if there were a fire.

Today, when she called I could hear my step-dad in the background saying to someone that I had put my mother in the nursing home. Nope, her surgeon sent her there for rehab following surgery for her broken hip. What I normally do in this case is promise mom that I will call someone in the nursing home and let them know she wants to go home. I do call, but I call the social worker who each time goes and has a talk with my mother which calms her down. I told her about my step-dad today and asked she go to mom's room soon so that she could explain to him how my mom ended up there and who put her in there. However, I doubt this will make any real difference with him. How frustrating!

Book~I am happy you got a good laugh at my expense. I laughed so much last night and I needed it!! It is also going in my memory book about my mom. My boss suggested that I take lots of pictures too which is right up my alley.

Austin~I also hate the "Happy Holidays" blessing. I go in 95% of the time I am called. I plan to continue to go that because my job is important to me, I need the money and I want the independence. I found out today that my manager's mother had a heart attack about 2 weeks ago. This may account for some the change in her attitude and stress level. I really messed up today because I wrote down that I worked 4-9pm today. She called me saying I was suppose to be in at 1pm. I apologized for messing up and went in ASAP. I excepted her to be angry. Instead she was joking and in a good mood. I must admit that I was surprised to learn this because I would think that people in the department would have talked about her mother having a heart attack. I am not going to go to deeply into that because it will only add to my suspicions. I was 30 minutes late and she did not reprimand me for it so I am grateful for that. As I have said, if she wanted to get rid of me, she could have written me up today for this. Take care and thank you, I will be available as much as I can. Hugs to you!!

Dabs4mom~I am happy to hear the visitors has left. I am sure it was very hard on your mom. I wish my mom had a neighbor to look in on her,the one neighbor who would help her from time to time was diagnosed with MS early last year and she now has an answering machine and doesn't return mom's calls. Understandable. Going out and doing something normal must have been a great evening for you and hubby. How I long to go into the mountains for a few hours with my camera and hubby, have lunch and just enjoy the scenery. I hope your mom recovers her stamina by staying with you for the weekend. Sometimes people do not think about how their visit with a person who has dementia can really wear the patient out. Short visits are much better. My sis is primary on the DPOA, she seems to think I have an endless supply of energy. Because I have been married almost 36 years, she and others I have come across seem to think my job is just play money for me. She is single, divorced twice and has gotten much help from our parents over the years. I admit, I could really use an inheritance from my parents to help pad my IRA for retirement. Sis needs it too. I keep telling her there will probably not be any money left except my mother's house that is in the living trust and will be split between my two brother's and sis and I. The point is, I would rather know that mom is being taken care of and her mind is stimulated with me having peace of mind while mom is in a memory care unit. I am doing the majority of the caregiving. Sis lives 45 minutes out of town, works full time and has health issues that prevent her from giving more time for mom's care. Plus sis has a big ego. She thinks I worship her even though I have straight out told her on numerous occasions I do not. She blames our upbringing for her not be able to be as financially successful as she thinks she could be. I try to tell her that if you do not have the capabilities to have certain skills, she bulks at me that people can do whatever they set their minds to do. I disagree because I believe that if you are not capable (intellectually) to achieve, learn higher level skills, then you must accept yourself and what you can achieve. It doesn't mean that one is a failure, it just means that if one wants to be a scientist and can't accomplish it, it is not the role for them to do it.She does not agree with me. She tends to see herself as an intellect.She does not take the time to research things. Her daughters have paid for one year of internet service with a laptop computer her eldest daughter her for Christmas. Granted, the computer is used but is in excellent condition. Sis has yet to take the time to get acclimated to this computer. This is not her daughters first attempt to give her something that would update her, allow her to have contact with family members easier. But sis maintains her attitude...text messages and IM's are impersonal and she wants to hear a real person voice. I understand that...but because we all have busy lives, sis is not willing to compromise. She wants one on one attention even if it means cutting off her nose to spite her face. So she has no cell phone and a laptop she won't use.Take care and let us know how your mom does over the weekend. Hugs!!

FYI, Sharyn, I came home to continue my reading of yesterday's posts. I smiled as I read your post to me with some typos. Then when I came upon the post with sooooo many typos (the one I was reading at work), I broke out laughing so hard as I tried to replace your typos (Kindle's fault!!) with what you were Trying to say. I didn't even get halfway thru your post - I had to stop. I was laughing so hard, my stomache was hurting. This morning, I went back to try to finish it, and I spurted with laughter. OH MY!!! Guess what, Sharyn. Your words will be going to my FUNNIES file. =)

I don't celebrate any holidays at all. When we would get xmas invitations, I told the boss that I could not go since I don't celebrate it and would feel very uncomfortable. That was 20yrs ago. He has eroded my stance of completely avoiding it because he would no longer ASK if I can go. He would basically TELL me to go because it's now an Appreciation party (when we all know it's xmas mixed with appreciation.) I really hate that. Our support group in November asked if we were having a xmas party in our December meeting. I should have spoken up but kept quiet. They decided to make our December a xmas party. I did not attend.

Sharyn, Austin said it better than what I was trying to say. You definitely don't want to keep saying no when the boss text/call you. But you also don't want to Always available...hence the subterfuge of being at mom's and then you can tell your boss that you can't come in because .... If it didn't go against my conscience and if I was a good liar (nieces tell me that I'm a terrible liar), I would just lie may way through like all my fellow coworkers...

Hi Imm897! I smiled when you said that we tend to fall back to our childhood ways of reacting to each other. I don't think we ever outgrew that. At least, so far, my siblings have absolutely no desire to help out with the parents. I have used the words "what goes around comes around" as a mantra for years now. But we're not as bad as situation as what I've read here. Oh my, some siblings go after what they want thru the court, etc....

Shary you can only do as much as you can do in the job department if it is possibe for you to work once in a while on your day off you may want to do that-it seems your boss is asking you to go above and beyond-maybe jst not do anything and wait it out and if possible go into work on your day off-can you say instead of 8 hrs. you could do say 6 and see if that works as for saying happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas I thought people dealing with the public were suppose to say happy holodays and you were right in saying that to this person because she said it first-I personally hate happy holidays but know this is what is expected theses days so go along with it. Probably in not too long a time the boss will move on to someone else-all you can do it to do your job to your best ability and to be honest-and follow what others have said about getting a copy of rules for your job so you know what is acceptable. I wish you luck it is hard to work for difficult people I thought I had the worse boss ever until I had to transfer to another unit and the new boss was even worse-the old one would blow up and then forget about the new one pecked at people until she drove them crazy-I learned to tune her out and act like I did not hear her.

I'm new to the forum, but was intrigued by this topic. I have been struggling lately with the realization that no matter how well you care for yourself, you can never quite remove yourself from the dysfunction of your family. And when caring for an aging parent, it is so difficult not to backslide into behaviors and emotional drama that you had thought were in the past. Here's to hoping that this experience will result in more personal growth, and less of the backsliding.

Bookworm,
It sounds as if you have had more than some challenges going on with your own family, with regards to the care of your parents and your siblings absence. In our case w/our mother, we just up to a year ago which was until her narcissistic sister died, couldn't focus entirely upon mother, as her sister was living there. She had so many ailments, and towards the end could hardly walk.
My sister works a full-time job, so several years ago when both mom's and our aunt's medical conditions escalated, she had to hire outside help. We have two brothers, (but they never get their hands dirty) in any of the care. I, who do not have any of the legal powers, especially MPOA, and I live far from mother's, in a metropolitan city. Anyway, it does take some planning on my part for a variety of reasons, when I am able to visit. I also work.

I credit my sister with the great job she has done with both the administration of the caregiving, and the caregiving itself, picking up the slack when CG's aren't there. We do have fair communication in terms of what she tells me about our mom. But I am dealing with a controller here also.. When I've wanted to know about some of the medications in the past that mom is taking, I have been up against plenty of resistance. I wanted to know this of course, because my sister would tell me of all the sleeping mom has been doing, etc. Anyway, when she was telling me of mother mixing her up with a friend, well, o,k., I understand all of we the family becoming concerned, and wondering about the change in mom. But....you don't know how many times I have suggested, forwarded some websites so that she could educate herself about the stages of ALZ. Some of this is big ego on my sisters part also; she in her mind always knows better than thou," etc. If you have read some older posts of mine, you may see, that my sister runs on high emotion and lots of drama. So I do have my own methods of circumventing some of this behavior, so we don't get stuck in that. I try my best to look at our situation, with an attitude, of hopefully knowing what may come and be somewhat prepared for the changes. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

margeaux: I hope you have a good visit with your mom when you go this next time. One thing I've been made aware of is that when and ALZ patient gets sick with a cold or anything else that taxes them in any way, they often come out of it with a sort of "new normal". That means that they show signs of decline after an illness, and that level of functionality then becomes the base line from that point. It's like their bodies just can't cope with the stress of the ordinary illness, and their cognitive function lessens some. Hence the "new normal". The same thing can happen to elderly that don't even have dementia/Alz. As people age, the body is less and less able to cope with illness or other high stress situations ( death of a spouse or friend,someone they love or count on moving away, etc.) Be calm when you see mom, and be ready to accept the demon. You sound like a strong and loving woman, and I pray that you will come through all of this OK

sharynmarie: Yes, this visit has been very hard on mom. It's her nature to want to be the gracious hostess, but she has enough trouble trying to do things for herself let alone 3 other people. She looks terrible, and is very tired. The visitors finally left yesterday morning. I went over to mom's and cleaned, washed sheets and towels, cleaned out the fridge, etc. Mom slept most of the day in her recliner. Her CG is better, but is still taking meds and coughing. I told her to take the rest of the week off. She's probably not contagious anymore, but I can't risk mom getting sick with this crap. She'd end up in the hospital for sure. I'm bringing mom to my house today and have her stay through the weekend. Her wonderful neighbor looked in on her last night and made sure she ate and took her meds. My husband and I went to watch our oldest grandson(14) play in a basketball tournament. I've missed all the other games in the past 2 weeks. It was good to do something normal! Thanks for caring.
As to the situation with your sis. Boy do I get it!!!! I have the brother out of town that thinks he should control everything since we both have POA. I'm actually the primary, but he's a selfish, pig headed pain in my rear. He's clueless about what goes on day to day with mom, and thinks I'm lying to him when I tell him things. He calls her maybe once every week or two, and she tells him she's great and that there's nothing wrong with her. He's coming to visit on the 7th of March, and I'm dreading it. He's going to her neuro appt. with us. Should be very interesting. The doc has suggested AL several times, but little brother can't "wrap his head around it". All he cares about is the money. Even mom's CG understands that she is at the point where she needs continuous supervision, and being in an environment where there's more people than just her, or my husband and I. It's too expensive to bring in more help for the evenings and weekends, and mom doesn't think she needs the care giver she has, let alone bringing someone else into the picture. We'll see what happens......

had me laughing too! so funny when these ipad thingies have a mind of their own. thanks for the lol moment in a very tough day!

Joan & Book~My goodness, Lol!! When I type on the kindle, I have to type very slow and deliberate or it makes a mess of what I am typing. What I said was I sent sis and email saying we may need to hire a caregiver to help because of mom putting the metal dish in the microwave and because she had a 6ft. ladder in the kitchen she was going to take in the front yard to climb up to the rain gutter to pull something out of the gutter which was actually a metal strip that needs to be there. I also told sis that I called the neurologists office and the results are in but the dr. has not read them yet so I gave them my number. Sis responded back with well if you are in a hurry, I will call the neurologist. I got angry and called her house leaving a message, Yes I am in a hurry!! You aren't down here dealing with this, you get Sat/Sun to do whatever you want, but I am not getting a day off...ect!! So she called back saying I didn't know you were that stressed out about this!???I think got through to her how emotionally stressed I am (not stream tong). She did counter saying, you have not sent me the LTC policy so I can read through it to understand more of what it pays. I said very angrily, I am so sorry, but I have been running back and forth dealing with mom that I haven't had a chance and you haven't sent the verizon bill to me. Anyway I think got her to understand the urgency I am feeling in pushing things forward as much as we can. She doesn't spend as much time with mom and I am not sure she wants to see or know how much mom needs someone to be there with her. I am going to have my hubby take the ladder in his truck so mom won't be tempted to use it.

Sorry I gave you a headache Book, Lol!! Stream tongs and all...at least we got a good laugh, it sure helped relieve some of my stress!!

Oh my!!! I'm turning so red trying not to laugh so hard with my whole body shaking. @ work. Sharyn...sooooo funny. Had to stop reading - little laughter escaped. Wil read @ home ..in another 2 1/2 hrs... TONGS!!! {{ laughing }} ..now have headache from keeping laughter in....

sharyn LOL that is quite a post -gave me a laugh

tired now so I will post more tomorrow

Toonnie is reaching out to hold hands again -what a cat!!!

nite all Joan

Book it shows we posted 1 hour apart. Hes ahem o post from my kindle I have many typos.that is when I post from my kindle. Good grief how hard is it to type. Sorry I keep having to erase. I think that I am l stream tong because jam emotionally stress. Ok over reacting not stream tong. I don't wear tongs.lil.so sorry hbby is trying to remove my pica from old computer so we can put ln new one. I talk with sis after I left mu message. Saying jam too stressed and we need to to try to expeditate things. She didn't realize I was so stressed. I hope u can understand my post and if u laugh good. I will post more later.

Gee whiz! I just noticed on this kindle that u posted the work info 5hrs ago! Sorry Sharyn....

Sharyn,this is a difficult question to answer. Sorry using my kindle so limited in backtracking. Can't remember if you're married or not. Best thing to do is discuss this with hubby and decide your game plan for future situations.

Does the company really need you because they are short of staff? Can they still work productively with one person short? If her message is not a subtle request but truly asking if you want to come in, then just text back that you're currently unable to come in.

Sorry auto correct messed up my post.

I sent sis an small telling her that se may have to hire a caregivers unroll things get stlled with mom because of mom putting the metalbowl l in the microwave and that mom wanted to climb a ladder to the roof to pull something pit of the rain gutter. I told her I called the neurologists and they have the results. Bit Dr. Hasn't read them yet and I gave them my number. She responded back with well if you are in a hurry I will call tomorrow. So o called her house saying yes oak in a hurry because Ian the only one doing anything and I know you have health issues but while you are getting sat and sun off sleeping and doing whatever jam not getting any days off so either step jp to the plate or back off.

Thanks =). I did the live in caregiver for my grand dad with Alz 5 years ago, stayed with him the last year. This is some different, but not much.

I have been gently encouraging mom to allow a few more trusted people into this part of her journey. I have mentioned that because she wants someone here 24/7, I could really use an hour or two to myself now and then.
Today she finally allowed a co worker she likes quite a lot to come for lunch. Just before the woman came, my mom asked me not to leave because she didnt want her friend to feel obligated to stay with her

uhg

The visit itself was big progress, so I will wait and see what comes next.

Brief update on my elderly parent. I have an evil sibling who abused me as a child. To continue her abuse and control as an adult she suddenly decided to have my mother declared incompetent. We got through two days of hearings and the court determined her to be incompetent. I have appealed. MY evil sibling then become the interim guardian and blocked my visits and calls. FINALLY today, the court saw through her evil heart and told her if she did not come up with a plan for visitation, she would be removed as the guardian. I was not allowed to see my 92 year old parent for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day or her 92nd birthday! No calls either! Finally today, the court saw through her evil heart and said come up with a plan. So far I have a phone call each day at 2 pm and when I left the court room today, the lawyers were still yelling at each other, so I am hoping for 2 visits per week! My heart goes out to each of you who is dealing with an evil sibling who is using your elderly parent as a pawn to abuse you again. It is a horrible and heartbreaking place to be. I have missed my Mom! My Mother sat is court and cried and kept telling my evil sibling to stop it, stop it! It was sooooo sad, and sooooo stupid.

I just got off the phone with the union. I did not give them my name. I told the woman what is going on and that it could be coincidental since all of this has started right at the time I lost the medicine bottle. She said I am not obligated to call them back or come in on my days off. She said that if I feel I am being harassed that I need to document it, the date, time and who was present and heard what she said.She is not a union rep but works for the union. She said that it could be coincidental. She wanted to know what I thought and I told her I thought that she might be trying to force me to choose between work and family based on what she believes. She said when I go back to work and if she asks why I didn't call or come in, that all I have to say is that I had my phone turned off and I was at my mother's helping her. My boss did not call my cell, she called the land line. I hate this because I want to work and need to work for the money to pay bills and just to feel that I am contributing. I am not going in and my car is in the garage. If this is coincidental then it will blow over. If she is truly forcing me to choose and this continues, then I will request a transfer. I guess because I am a responsible person, I feel guilty for not going in. Joan, Margeaux, Book everyone, I am having a moment of where I am going off the deep end, LOL!!

Am I paranoid or what?? My co-worker telling me that she had to take her aunt or uncle in for surgery today and what if there are complications and I can't come in. I read her to mean that she would call in. Well guess what....I have a message from my boss asking if I want to work today. I don't want to work today. It's my day off. I am getting really tired of this. I know that she is trying to make me make a choice between work and family by purposely causing me stress. If I go on FMLA they can lay me off by saying work is slow, etc. When I worked in Tracy, if they called me on my day off they just accepted it if you didn't call back or want to come in.

Hi Gypsea!
Margeaux - I remember when mom's personality started changing. I was in my 20's and had decided in college age to get to know my mom. She was a housewife but she did not coddle, encourage, hug, etc with us. Most of the times, she sent us kids outside to the yard or the bedroom.which we would spend hours there. I decided at age 19 or 20, that I wanted to get to know mom. I even persuaded her to go walk with me to the Vietnamese restaurant. OMG. I saw her in action - she didn't like this or that. When I contradicted her (it's Not salty, mom), she would get so angry - I can see it in her eyes. Scared me. This was the look that she reserved for father when she attacks him with the knife. That was the last time I ever took her out. I saw the side of her that terrified me. I remember telling siblings that she's changing, that something is wrong, etc...No one believed me..except father. But, I just wanted to say that with my mom, I mourned as she changed. Not so with father. I can see where your sister is affected by each and every change. Sis is there with your mom constantly - like I was with my mom. Sis telling you the changes she sees - was like me telling my siblings. I remember being so frustrated that no one was taking me seriously. I Am NOT saying that you are doing this. My family did...and Still Are Not Helping despite 20 Years later...I know you mention lots of things here, but sometimes, something just stands out - and I focus on it only. I Am Not in any way implying anything. Just saying that reading about your sis describing your mom, reminded me too with my situation back then.

Emjo, I have read over and over on this site what happens when you take a person with dementia to places OTHER than home. They definitely do not like New things or New faces or Confusing loud Noises (like a party, or family get togethers) I don't have time to search for it here on AC, but over and over it is not good...especially if he becomes very agitated in the evenings. She will have her hands full, and he might just walk out without her knowing and then they will be looking for him in a strange place. We were very fortunate with mom that all the times she walked out in the late evenings, we found her. There was one man who had Alz - he walked out in the evening with his dog - and never came back or found. The family lived near the road and also in the boonie area.

Sharyn, research, research, research - both on company policies about family leave and being called in for "emergencies." I still say don't rock the boat because jobs are very hard to find. If the company "lets you go", it would be scary but you must list this last job in your job application. No guaranty that your former job would be neutral and not blacklist you. Find a way around this. Unfortunately, everyone here on island knows that when you work in a retail store, grocery stores, hotels and restaurants - you have not fixed hours. They call you when someone else did not shop up to work on time, etc...It's a high rate of turn over on employees. .... By the way, I laughed when I read your day with mom and the $2.00 gas money. Boy, I was worse than her! I was a full time student and I would make money sewing clothes for fam. I made dresses for mom for only $10. And sis' 2 piece very short dresses for $10. Etc... When I went out with friends, I would only tip them $1.00 for gas! =)

Joan and Margeaux~If my boss did not say "Maybe it's because I am a Christian, but family comes first" I would not feel the sting of her words. I am not trying to put Christians down, it's just the impact of those words are more stinging. I don't go to church anymore but I have my beliefs about God. How long she has been a Christian I don't know maybe she is a relatively new believer. She questioned me during the Christmas season because she heard me tell a customer "Happy Holidays." She asked why I said that instead of Merry Christmas. I said because the customer said "Happy Holidays" to me first and I try to size up the customer before I say Merry Christmas because I had a customer get mad at me once.
I do need to not let the words of others make me feel guilty. Just as all of you have said, it is easy to judge and criticize what someone doing, but until you have walked in their shoes for sometime, you have no right to make assumptions or judge what that person is doing.You know, we had a new minister at our church back in the mid 90's. He was 45 years old, fresh out of seminary. He hurt a lot of people because he was very opinionated about certain situations. In one particular case, he went to a nh to visit people who belonged to our church. He came across this elderly man from church whose wife had him placed because he had Parkinson's Disease. His wife had severe osteoporsis with cracks in her spine so she had considerable pain and could not help her husband with bathing,etc. Well the minister had a fit because in his opinion, this man should not have been in a nh and he told the elderly man just that. It created a big problem for his wife and she was furious with the minister for having said that to her husband. Yes the minister is only human and makes mistakes just like the rest of us but he should have inquired about the situation with his wife. Anyway he did apologize but one has to keep in mind that this minister's father and mother were living with him because his dad had Parkinson's. In our church the minister can be married, we are similar to Catholic being that we have communion, our minister's are called priests and our service is similar to a Catholic service with traditions following seasons in the church. I guess I am saying that sometimes a person gets too gung ho on their religion. I am going to play it cool and see what evolves. I have to not say anything about my mother which is hard sometimes.

Joan, thank you so much, I too have much respect for you. You say what needs to said, and you say it in a way so it does not hurt the person to are communicating with. I appreciate that, I know I go off the deep end sometimes, and you and Margeaux have helped me to see things that I was not seeing. Remember when I first started posting, I had so much anger at my mother, and look at me now. Seeing her differently is because of you, Margeaux, Book, Ladee, Beck and others on this site and I wish my sister could let go of her anger. Yes, the $2.00 was just too cute. I told my husband about it and he laughed about it. If that happened a year ago, I would have been angry at her tight fist. Thank you all so much! Love and hugs to everyone!!