The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you sharyn - I have forwarded your response to my friend. I agree his doc must be consulted and could play the "bad guy" if necessary. I actually think that their son (friend's sig other), is prepared to say it like it is if someone in the family has to draw the line. I agree about the agitation. Apparently fil gets quite verbally abusive towards his wife at times - especially in the evenings. That does not sound to me like a person you want to take on a trip. I think it would mess him up big time. I so appreciate you sharing - a BIG thanks

Oh...approaching her mil with this would be difficult. I would suggest that she ask his dr. if he thinks the trip would cause him too much confusion. Then I would say that I did some research asking a few people who are in the same situation as you are and they advise against it because of the agitation most likely will be triggered and be worse in an unfamiliar place. Maybe it would be best if her husband said it.

First I am going to tell you about a trip we took in 1999 to Kentucky to visit my sister's daughers for Christmas. My dad had Alz then but I don't think he was as progressed as the man you are asking about. Dad was very docile and the trip went well. While in Kentucky, he had moments when he did not know who my nieces were and would ask who are these people. He never got agitated and seemed to enjoy the trip. My mother...on the other hand, had this idea that my sister and I were going to look after dad this whole trip. She did get agitated and created a big scene. I had both my children with me. Anyway, I suggest she not take him on this trip simply because he gets verbally abusive and agitated. He sounds more progressed than my dad was during our trip, and it may cause him too much confusion triggering the verbal abuse and agitation and just creating a difficult time for his wife. She should just let him play Solitaire without correcting him and use the trip as respite.

Margeaux -regarding what you wrote to sharyn, I totally agree. I was thinking the same thing. I am Christian and I am not offended by your words - they are true, but I am offended by Sharyn's supervisior, who is saying one thing and behaving differently. We are all entitled to our own beliefs, but then we need ti walk the walk, not just talk the talk,

Any more news about your mum? ((((((hugs)))))

I am posting some info from a friend whose fil has Alz. Her mil has asked them to go on a trip with mil and fil, as she cannot manage him alone.My friend is looking for advice as to what is best and how to handle it. She thinks that taking him is too much, and that this is a good opportunity to try respite. Mil is not facing that yet, Here is the info about him that I have. I think I agree that a trip is not wise, but then how does she approach her mil? Any feedback is welcome. I will post this separately as a question too.
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I don't know what stage he is at, or what drugs he takes although I think he is on something that is supposed to slow down the progression of the disease. His wife slips a sedative(Lorazepam, I think) into his coffee when he starts to get agitated, especially in the evening, but not too often because she doesn't want him to get addicted. It helps a lot. He sometimes knows that she is his wife, but other times is scared that his wife will come home and find him with "another woman" (her). He thinks Al (his son) is one of his old friends from back in the day. He gets quite verbally abusive toward his wife in the evenings or when he thinks she is keeping things from him. He gets fixated on ideas, such as thinking that someone has stolen or hidden his car. On holidays, he is constantly mistaking his whereabouts for some other place. When he comes to Fort McMurray, he often thinks he is in the USA. He no longer asks questions about the oilsands when he is here, as he used to. His memory is only for a few minutes, as he will often ask the same question only a minute or so after he has been given the answer. He still plays Solitaire, but does it wrong and his wife is constantly trying to correct him. He can read the newspaper sometimes, but only aloud and of course with no retention. Wherever he is, he picks up and hoards papers - flyers, newspapers, showbills, etc.
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Ideas???

Thanks

Hi Gypsea - welcome. Finding that you are financially solid is a wonderful thing. You must be so relieved. Glad that your mum could have friends over to visit. Do come back and share more. ((((((((hugs))))))

Margeaux - you are going through some grieving with your mum declining and also, probably wondering what next you will face with your mum. Aging is not for sissies! (((((hugs)))) to you too.

sharyn - sounds like you have a wonderful friend by your side. I have a few of those and the are priceless. sharyn, I have the utmost respect for what you are doing for your mum - just tell those voices and the guilt to go back where they came from, (you know, that hot place). Your boss is overstepping her boundaries. I sure understand that you want to shop somewhere that you don't work. I wish your sis could appreciate that this disease has taken over her mum. $2.00 for gas is just precious! - gave me a big smile. Very sweet, I like the idea of keeping a scrapbook ir records of these things. You will treasure it later.
I know you are still hurting about your nephew and the pain he and all the family are going through, the unfairness of it all., It is not easy. (((((hugs))))) Joan

Sharynmarie,

It must be difficult for you to be dealing with a supervisor such as the one you have. By all of your descriptions of how she does her job, it somewhat sounds as if she is playing employees, one against the other. Lately, I have heard of situations in which people say they're Christian. I've always thought, that it's real easy to fly whatever banner one likes, but really I don't think this kind of talk should prevail in any work place. Besides, not everyone is a Christian. No offense to anyone here who is. This boss sounds manipulative, if I may say so.
I didn't want to say it before, but from what you describe, this is the feeling I get.
Please empower yourself, by knowing the policies of your company regarding all of this. You have enough to contend with, without feeling as if you are doing something wrong, no less at your job. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gypsea~Welcome to our thread!! We are hear to support you, just to talk or whatever. I am so sorry about your mom. It is so difficult no matter what we are dealing with in regards to our loved ones. We understand your pain and are here to support you through. My brother's 37 yr. old step son is in hospice care due to cancer. It started in his colon 8 years ago. After surgery. chemo it came back in his liver 2 years later. It has now spread to his lungs. Please come back and post more, we are here for you and you family. Hugs to you!!

I left early this morning purposely so Icould go by my friend's business. Something I have been wanting to do for awhile. She has many friends, contacts and she teaches bereavement classes. I gave her copy of the book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia." We had a good talk for about an hour. She is such a loving person...you all know what I mean...a person in your life who is so authentic and real.
Joan~I so appreciate your words. I know in my head that I am doing right by my mom, but because I am so sensitive (things said to me by others), I feel guilty that I should be doing more for my mom. This is where my confusion with my boss comes in.

I took mom out to pay the city and PG&E, then we went to a grocery store. After that a hair cut. Then I went grocery shopping for us so I could make spaghetti sauce which is cooking now. I don't grocery shop at the store I work simply because I don't want to go to my work place on a day off...weird, I know!!

I know what you mean Joan about waiting in the wings with your mother. You are doing great in regards to your mom, setting those necessary boundaries, but still being there for her. I wish my sis could get her mind around that concept.

I will end with a special moment with my mom today. After all the running around we did together, she gave me $2.00 to help with gas!! How special is that!! Bless her heart for thinking about me and I will treasure it!! Hugs to everyone!!

Dabs4mom,

Thank you. Yes, it is sad. As I said before, I could hear it in my sister's voice as she told me about this incident a sense of going into the unknown w/our mother's condition. She's in charge legally and medically and lives with mom. I don't, but visit and relieve her when needed. My sister is very capable, responsible but also the ultimate controller.

I was looking up the stages of ALZ the other day, and apparently can overlap.
Well anyway, I did have some moments of having to face the reality that one day mother may not be able to recognize any of us.

Dabs, can I call you that? How insensitive of your mom's friend to stay there with her, and bring family along. It's interesting how people like this seem to not have any clue about the disease either, "but even her friend can't believe the change in mom." I have a close friend, who will ask how mom is doing. I've explained many times, that mom can't hold real conversations with people. This friend, will say something later, like mom is still functioning like the rest of us, w/o ALZ.
You'd think that people who are close friends of a person afflicted with this condition, would inform themselves. I know in my friend's case, I've chosen to give her very general updates about my mom, because sometimes it gets on my nerves to have to explain to people, more than a couple of times, especially about the impact upon communication ALZ affects.

But needless to say, this friend has super over stayed her welcome, hasn't she!
Your mother still sounds as if she is very active. My mom does a lot of sleeping.
I've always wondered, why it is that doctors would choose to ask an elderly patient for the SS#. I think many people sometimes don't remember that, even w/o ALZ.
I'm wondering, did your mother make the arrangements to allow these people to come to stay in her home?

I've observed, from my own family an attempt many times for people to maintain things, old friends with respect to someone w/ALZ the same. But the reality is, things are distinctly different. Whether the person afflicted with it, or the caregivers realize it or not, there are some major adjustments to be considered.
O.K., Dabs, please don't over do it, w/those dinners. Although, I'm sure it sounds as if you want to keep mom happy, etc., but a visit as such is a lot of stress too.
Much Love & Light!, Margeaux

Hi All, my name is Lisa and I am jumping in! I am primary caregiver for my mom in her home, stage 4 brain cancer.

Anyway, last night was a rough night but this first hours of today have been pretty marvelous! Mom is allowing some of her friends to come over this week, which tickles me, we found out that financially we are solid today and she is alert and up. Good morning =)

sharyn - as I understand it you are not obliged to come in on your days off. It sounds to me like your super is on a real power trip. Do you have a union and a union rep? It might be a good idea to clarify the policy about coming in on your days off, and let your super know that you have, Or even ask her about that policy to show her you are aware of it. I would be very pleasant and do it in the spirit of being helpful and letting her know that you don't want to inconvenience her attempts to cover the necessary hours, but that you do have right to refuse. I would keep it on the basis of the company policy. Your personal business is your personal business and not for her to get involved. Just my 2 cents worth. I am sure you need your days off.
Hi book - the support I am getting now is invaluable. I have lived a life with support from friends but not from family. I wouldn't say that ex and I are STILL on good terms -we weren't when we split. We have rebuilt our relationship with the grace of God and a desire to stay in one another's lives, especially after Gordie died We still love one another - always did and always will. but more just as family, not mates. I am thankful. I absolutely cannot imagine how you manage what you do with the little support that you get. I can't watch scary movies either. I do agree with not pissing off your boss. Trying to keep it on a good level while at the same time stick up for your rights. ((((((hugs)))))

Hope everyone has a good day. I seem to have developed that cough that has been going around, but don't feel bad otherwise. Cold FX to the rescue!

Hi all - catching up again.
sharyn, I really do think you are doing a great job with your mother, and I think she is very fortunate to have you. Your sis is a bit of a case. She does need to let go if she cannot manage the duties of DPOA. I think you have a wonderful attitude about your mum -yes she was abusive, but she needs help now. I feel the same way. I am waiting in the wings for the time. Right now I have to protect myself, and she has backed off. But if/when the time comes I will be there. You have to decide how to handle your work situation, I think you are wise to trust your gut feelings about your supervisor. It does seem that the burden of caregiving falls on your shoulders. Like book, I wonder if your sis will be tight fisted with money for your mum's needs. I think checking with your ER dept about time off is a good idea. I think you are right being preoared to fight for conservatorship. Are you documenting the things you do, and the things your sis does in order to back yourself up if it comes to that? ((((((((hugs))))))
Margeaux - I am very happy that Gary's mum is recovering. She has a way to go and is not strong. He is worried about his dad if mum goes first. Mum would manage without dad, but dad falls apart without mum. I think he would die very soon afterwards if mum goes first. They have been married 65 years. Yes, the efforts of years ago are oaying off for me. My ex says he knows he lost a good thing when we split, and that I am one if the most important people in his life. My beginnings with my dil were not good -she was still married to her ex when she started dating my son. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I thought this was a bad idea for them, and she should get her divorce ASAP so they could get on with their lives. I felt very strongly about it. She did divorce but held a grudge against me for several years. I worked hard to repair the relationship, and finally when I gave her a fancy pink (her favourite colour) birthday cake, it turned around, Since then we have been growing closer and closer. I had always longed for a dil I could do girly things with and it is happening. She and my son are really "parenting" me at times, and so is my ex. I have to say I have been in tears of gratitude recently, as I had precious little parenting when i was young. Re choc - I buy sugar free choc online. Sugar, white flour etc cause inflammation and my body does not feel good. I avoid them as mucb as possible. Sorry to hear that your mum is declining. Even though it is inevitable, still it is not nice to see.(((((hugs)))))
dabs - I had to smile at the picture if your mum having a conversation with an answering machine, and yet at the same time it is tragic to see a person who was once so functional become like this. It is not good that this friend's daughter is staying there. Would the friend be receptive to you telling her this is not a good idea as it is too hard on your mum?. Can you make a back up plan for mum's meds for when her CG is off sick. Could you lock up her pills somewhere so she doesn't mess with them? Thanks for the tight hugs -we all need them.

Love and blessings to everyone

Book~Thanks. I am not purposely trying to piss off my boss, but I am not required to come in on my days off. I don't know what my co-worker will do other than call in saying she can't come in due to complications, but I can't keep coming in on my days off, I need time for my life too. I guess I will wait and see if they call me come in on Wednesday. I find it hard to believe that the boss wouldn't give her the whole day, when I requested the 11th off for my mom's neurological appt., she gave it to me. When we request a day off, they will make the schedule so that the day we ask for is one of our regular days off the that week. Anyway, gotta go, a busy morning planned with mom.

Sharyn,…. fight for what’s right for your mom. I hope sis won’t be like what we read of others here where the DPOA won’t spend money on the parent because they’re keeping the money for their inheritance. It looks like you will be doing all the grunt work for sis. If you plan to use your FMLA leave, research first. Also, I don’t recommend pissing off your boss. Best you can do is if she text you to come early, maybe do a quick visit to mom’s, call from there and tell her that you’re unable to come early because you’re at mom’s. You need to do this only when you’re at mom’s. Who knows if she gets suspicious, she might ask to speak to your mom! Just don’t go driving around when you do tell her this. She might catch you with the lie. If your boss is going to give you a hard time about taking leave for your mom, you will just have to schedule mom’s appointment later so that you can get leave on that day. I think that’s how it works in the real job world. My sis had a difficult time getting afternoons off when her girls were young – to take them to their appointments. Pissed her off several times when the boss would ignore her request. Boss will yell out across the hallway about her leaves and everyone could hear and sis was soooo embarrassed. Sis can tell you a lot of horror/embarrassing stories of work. But, she does whatever the boss wants – even coming in on Saturdays – without pay! It just pisses me off how they abuse their power over the employees. No one wants to be written up and have a black mark on their file. It’s call “being a team player.” Whatever!!!

With regards to your friend, if there’s complications and she is needed badly, she can either find a co-worker willing to come in ASAP to cover for her (and she will owe her the same by covering for that person in the future.) If she’s at home and gets the call, then she will call work and tell that she cannot come in due to the medical emergency. At that time, she needs to speak to the doctor –most likely it would be the attending nurse – if she can get a doctor’s excuse using the hospital’s letterhead explaining that due to so-and-so, she was there for her Aunt or Uncle so-and-so, on this day, etc… Have her keep a copy of this letter for proof that she had one and submit it to the office when she comes in to work the next day. It’s important that the doctor explains the Relationship of the patient with your friend. Due to the HIPAA privacy, I don’t know if the doctor will be willing to do this. So ask what he can give.

Joan –… I’m glad that Gary’s mum is recovering. Glad that you had some help. Can you imagine if you didn’t? It’s good that you and the Ex are still in good terms. You take care and rest up more.
Margeaux –… So sorry that your mom is progressing. It is true that they lose weight. I always thought it was because she kept walking and walking. I think she was a sundowner. In the afternoons, she would walk back and forth in the yard for hours. Then her disappearing acts at evenings. Mom rarely talked in her normal life before the dementia. This didn’t change when she had her dementia. I just remember her always calling for my father’s name over and over. She didn’t ask questions or spoke in sentences. He was the only one who could calm her violence. Father made up for it in spades. He can nag for hours, days and weeks over the same topic…
Dabs –… I chuckled a little when you said that mom was having a conversation with the answering machine. Father talks to “invisible” people. I keep thinking we have Real Visitors but no one is there when I check. Now, these people scare him because they’re just standing there looking at him. Ugh!! Sorry, I just cannot watch scary movies. I even scream watching the old cartoon Scooby Doo. It just creeps me out when he “sees” all these people. (What if they’re Really Spirits?)

Just one thing...my co-worker has been telling me for the last 4 days that she asked for the 27th off so she could take her aunt or uncle in for a hernia surgery. Our bakery/deli manager only gave her half the day. She has to come in 4-9 that day. She keeps telling me what if there is complications and I can't come in? I am off tues. and wed. this week. Last week I did not return my manager's call to come in at 1pm when I was scheduled to come in at 4pm. She was not happy when I came in at 4pm. I decided that I would not answer calls from work anymore on my days off or when I am scheduled to come at 4pm. I think my co-worker's message to me is... if I need time off because of my mother (day or two because of health), I can not expect to get it because as my manager said, "Your employer is not going to there for you." I do not plan on being available on Wednesday if they call me. Am I right in doing this???? Any suggestions??

Dabs4mom~It is hard on your mom having the extra people at her house. It's a shame that the daughter didn't stay at a hotel with the hours she is keeping (which is normal for her age but disrespectful when staying in someone else's home who has dementia). I hope things settle down soon even though your mom is enjoying the visit from her friend.
So far my mom's care has not interfered with work. But my sister is flaking out on me and I may have to take time off once we get the neurologists diagnosis. I don't know how long it will take to go to court for mom's attorney to put everything in a conservatorship. Unfortunately, my sis is named first on the DPOA and she is putting everything on me right now. She has only made arrangements with Verizon Phone to send mom's bill to her house (she lives out of town). Instead of coming here to mom's house with the bill, she is going to send it to me so I can make sure it is paid. Yes my sister has health issues, but if she is not up to the task, then she needs to say so instead of being so selfish in wanting to be the "Big Cheese" but not really doing anything. I am tired of cutting her slack because of her health. This is not about me wanting to have control, it is about common sense in caring for our mom and she has admitted to me several times that she is sick and tired of dealing with mom's issues. Seriously, mom was abusive and a horrible mother to us, a horrible wife to our dad...but...she has dementia for God's sack. If you can't get past the abuse mom dished out freely and whole heartedly to all of us, then you should not be in control of mom's best interest. I could go on and on but I won't. I am going to call the union tomorrow to get the number for HR because they will not give it out at work. If the neurologist diagnoses my mother as incompetent, then I may have to take the FMLA while we go through the court process because I can't depend on my sister to give me a day off and she clearly is only interested in being in charge. Like I said before, this is not all because of her health, she just is not willing to sacrifice anything and herself always comes first. I can see where this is going to come between us and I may have to fight her in the end to have the conservatorship in my name. When my dad was in a nursing home here in town which is only a 45 minute drive from her house, she hardly ever came to visit him. Dad was her favorite. Maybe once every 3 months she would come down here. Anyway enough, the more I rant the angrier I get. Hugs to all!!

Margeaux - I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's change in behavior. It's all part of the ALZ progression. I'll never forget the time I walked into my mom's house and found her having an entire conversation with her answering machine. She was playing back a message, and actually thought she was talking to her friend. She has started talking more and more about my dad and her sisters that have both passed away. It kills me when the doc asks her if she knows her soc.sec. # and she can rattle it off, but she can't tell you how old she is, or what state she lives in.
This past 5 days have been really interesting. She has a friend, and her daughter, that drove down from Ohio for a visit. Believe it or not they're staying at mom's house. Mom's care giver has been very sick with the flu and hasn't been there since last Thursday. I've been going over everyday, cleaning up, and fixing dinners for them. The daughter has friends here and leaves during the day, but shows up in the evening when ever...to eat and sleep. She even brought her 18 yr. old son that lives here with his father over to mom's to sleep. Mom is a wreck. She loaded with $$ and doesn't have the good sense to go stay in a hotel. Mom's enjoying her friend, but even her friend can't believe the change in mom. I've been calling mom at least 2-3 times a day to remind her to take her meds. Her care giver gives them to her when she's there during the day. Of course mom has told me over and over that she took them each time I'd tell her to. Today I had to refill her pill box, and I couldn't even find it. She had moved it to under her bathroom sink for some reason. Anyhow, I come to find that she had "redistributed" her pills in the empty days instead of taking them. As if I wouldn't figure out that's what she had done. When I asked her about it, she said that Maria(her CG) and I had messed them up. Yeah right. All part of the process.
Sharyn: Hang in there. It does sound like your boss is jerking your chain. It's none of her business how you cope with your mom's needs. Given that you have to have a job, it makes it harder. The boss has no clue what it's like, so it's easy for her to judge. Just be mindfull of things at work. The last thing you need if for them to look for reasons to let you go. Taking some personal time may be what you have to do. Check with your HR department to find out the details of FML. You're entitled to it, and if you take it, they can't say anything.

Tight hugs to everyone.

Margeaux~I am sorry to hear your mother is progressing. This disease really is hard to take at times. I pray I do not develop it. My dad slept alot when he had dementia. It drove my mom nuts with her personality disorder because her mentality is that we should be doing productive work from sunrise to sunset. This is how she was raised. My poor dad could not do the yard work anymore. His mind could not organize how to follow through on these activities plus he (like my mom) had lost weight and look very frail. Finally she hired a yard service.My dad would talk a lot about his deceased mother having been by for a visit. It is rough. I understand your sis has no patience just like my sis. When my sis found out mom had ruined the microwave by putting the dogs metal bowl in it, she was angry. She said I told her last week not to do that and here she goes and does it anyway. Sis...mom has dementia, she can't remember what you tell her 5 minutes after you tell her. Enjoy the time with your mom and many hugs to you!!

I spoke with my sister the other day. Mom was having a few very awake days again.
When this happens, my sister tells me that mom in her ALZ, starts to talk, and ask and repeat questions. It wears on my sisters patience, of which she has zero!
Mom was asking her for people from her past, (people my sister doesn't even know). So my sister called one of mom's only friends from her childhood. They talked, but not very long. So after the phone call was over, mom continued to ask my sister about people who had already passed away. Suddenly, my sister said, that she realized my mom thought she was still talking to the friend they'd just called. So I could hear it in my sister's voice, that she thinks mom is going deeper into ALZ. This is the first time this has happened. I went to visit mom about a week and a half ago. But she was sleeping almost the entire time I was visiting, so I have no way to gage any of this. Anyway, I have to go down there this week, to see what's going on. She did look more frail to me, been down with a cold, so hadn't been eating as much. Margeaux

Emjo,

I am very happy to hear that Gary's mother is out of the hospital.
Yes, it's interesting when we get support from people in our lives, when we often least expect it. Good to hear something like this. I think these things happen also, because of one's own past efforts given to relationships. This is what I call hope.
This is encouraging!! O.K., Emjo hope things are well with you and your diet.
My sinuses have been flaring up again on account of the approaching spring.
But I did have too much sugar last week, could be this also. The chocolate, which I love!
Be well, my dear! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~ It is good news that Gary's mom is home recovering. Good for your son and dil to be there helping with their support!

Thank you for saying I am doing a good job for my mother. I would much rather think that I am misunderstanding my manager than to think or know she would use authority to purposely make someone's personal life more difficult. My sister says I should just tell her I need two consecutive days off a week to take care of my mother. I don't want to do that or ask for any special considerations because I can't help but feel that it would make things more difficult. Who am I to ask for special considerations at work because of personal issues? It just doesn't work that way for most of us. My sister's job is different, they seem to be more accommodating...at least she says they are.

My mom called me this morning saying her microwave was smoking with white lights and blinking lights. I asked her if she put something metal in it. Sure enough, she put the dogs dish in to warm her food. I told her to unplug it and not use it. I took over hot food from work on my break so she would have dinner and not use the stove. Sis called saying she would take mom out later in the week to get a new microwave???? I told her I would take her tomorrow. How did she expect her to eat without a microwave for a few days. Now she won't be coming down at all this week to help. I think my sister's health is worse, she sounds horrible on the phone. I can't help but be angry that since January she has done very little to help out. This is not all due to her health. Some years back when mom was sick, I had a hard time getting her to come down to stay with mom so I could have a break. She refuses to give up Saturday and Sunday to help which means she gets her weekend. My weekend is during the normal work week, I get no time for my home responsibilities or just a day to relax. I told my husband I am going to request a weekend off work and tell sis like she told me when she went away for a weekend with her man friend..."sorry to dump on you for the weekend, but I am going away with "T" for the weekend." I can just hear her protest now!!

Hugs to everyone!!
Sharyn

Margeaux~I have to agree with you about the interpretations. I will figure out some other way of taking the medicine back and forth. I may just have to go over in the mornings to give it to her. I started giving it to her in the late afternoon because the pharmacy said it could make her drowsy in the beginning. She has been taking it long enough now that I can switch her over to mornings. I just wish that people who don't know the full story or have any understanding of my situation (meaning my boss) would not make comments unsolicited. It makes me uncomfortable that she is judging me and my family. Anyway, I gotta go to work now.

Thank you Book, Deef, and Margeaux, hugs to all of you!!

sharyn - that was my take on your supervisor too. I think she is trying to control you - to force you to take time off to spend with your mother because of her own beliefs. You are doing such a good job. So glad the hospital experience went well.

Here Gary's mum is out of hospital and weak but recovering. I am emotionally and physically exhausted by some stuff that has been happening, but I will recover. Son Dave and dil Penny have been so supportive, also my ex is coming up roses. All the effort I put into that relationship years ago - he reminded me we were together for 27 years - is paying off. Life is strange sometimes.
Hope everyne is having a decent weekend
♥, hugs and prayers. Joan

Deefer12~ I haven't asked for the FML because I don't feel I need to at this point in time. I am not stressed and I have told my boss that my mother is being taken care of by several of us in the family who are all going over to her house and spending time with her. Like I told Book, I just feel like she doesn't approve, and if it were her mother, she would be doing something very different putting her mother's care over everything else. My thoughts are that with scheduling me with only 1 day off a week, she was purposely making it more difficult for me to spend time over at my mother's to help care for her. I will do a search to check out the laws protecting me. I must ask, how would taking the FML be something in my favor if she were looking to get rid of me? If she really wanted to get rid of me, I think she would be riding my butt and looking for things to write me up on plus with this company, they can transfer us around to other stores so she could just transfer me to another store. That is my logic on it. I just feel her attitude is different toward me now since her little talk about not having regrets, not putting my job over family because in the end, my employer isn't going to be there for me and I have to be prepared for what may come up with my mom. I agree about keeping the medicine in my car. I have only been doing that with the cold whether, but I never thought about if I got caught by the police that they might hold me until they can prove it is my mothers. I will talk with her dr. about. I go over to mom's on my 30 min. lunch break to give it to her. Her dr. told me back in Oct. that I needed to take charge of her medicine because she came in his office one day (when she was still driving) with several different medicines asking them which ones she was suppose to be taking. He said some were expired so he took them from her. Thank you for the info, I really appreciate it.

Book~I know the fuzzy brain feeling, Lol!! What I am feeling is that she does not approve of how my family is handling things with mom. Her remarks about her being a Christian and family comes first over her job. Before the talk, I was only getting 24 hrs. a week which is the minimum they can give us when it is slow. She would schedule me 3 eight hour shifts with 4 days off and 3 of the 4 days were consecutive.Right after the talk, she started scheduling me with only 1 day off, 3 days would be 5 hour shifts and 3 would be eight hour shifts. Like I said, I could be over analyzing it. Last week and this week coming I have 2 days off.

Sharynmarie,

I remember when you had originally written about this matter, that I really wondered why a manager would be so concerned about the fact that you take time off of work, and when you should take it.
One time, I left to pick up my cell phone at my sisters place of employment. I had left it at her house on a recent visit to see mom. It was a time when the stress was escalating over at mom's, since our aunt's health was taking a serious dive..
I know for a fact my sister was taking time off, (and only what was coming to her), not any added days that would jeopardize her position at work. When I arrived at her job to look for her, she wasn't there. I had taken quite a drive to do this, and found it odd, that my sister didn't call to inform me she wasn't going in to work that day. So, I went to the main office, as she was working in a high school to ask whether she was just away from her desk, and one of the secretaries told me she hadn't gone into work. I completely baffled, explained to this woman, my reason for being there." This lady then gave an attitude of, "oh yes, your sister, has been making some mistakes of lately." I never mentioned this to my sister, because I didn't want to add to her stress. My sister had totally forgotten to call me to let me know she wouldn't be there that day. But I definitely got it that day, that many times things happen quite involuntarily and could make other employees, who I'm sure have their own baggage about being at work etc., and make unfair interpretations of a situation. Fortunately, my sister is still working for the same company.

Deefer12, has given you some good advice. Maybe you should do a search about laws that protect you as an employee. The other thing I wanted to add, is the fact that your car temperature will always be warmer than normal temperatures. Now I know that it has been colder lately. But do you think it's a good idea to store medications in a car? The instructions for storage of such medications is usually, in a cool place.

O.K. Sharynmarie, I'm thinking about you very much right now, as I'm aware that things have been coming very fast at you. Much Love & LIght!

Sharyn, there are laws out there to protect you if you are caring for someone. I ended up having to take Family Medical Leave, when Mom was coming home from rehab. It's federal law that your employer has to allow you up to 12 consecutive weeks to care for someone and hold your job for you. Of course that doesn't mean they won't find a way to get rid of you when you get back, but if you did ask for and take FML, it would give you something to hold over them if they did try to fire you. Bookworm is right. Keep up your excellent work standards as best you can and hang onto that job for now.
On a different note, DO NOT keep your mom's meds in your car! If you get stopped and they are seen in your car and don't have your name on the bottle, you could be arrested for possession! Has happened many times here. Merry's friend, a man in his 60's, was keeping a bottle of his meds in his car console and had some of each script in one bottle. He got stopped for speeding and was arrested on the spot when the pills were found. Until they could contact his doctor and find out what they were, he had to stay in jail. be careful, and maybe get a note from her doctor to keep with the pills if you are going to keep them with you.

Sharyn, It's late at night here. Too tired to think. I re-read your words twice but my brain is foggy. (Plus I keep craving junk food and been restraining myself - so maybe my mind is not totally on your words but...my self control struggles). You gave us the background information. Now what is your concern?

Before your talk 3 weeks ago, was your schedule different than it is now? Before - when you had 3 days off- it became one? It sounded like your boss - originally- wanted you to take family leave. Are you saying that by encouraging you to take these leaves, she would use this to "lay" you off? Or because you're not taking time off for family, she will find ways to force you to take it? I tend to get brain fuddled by evening time....We could wait for me to give my Guess - if you don't mind waiting until my tomorrow when I'm refreshed and gungho for the day...(Really, Sharyn, my brain is soooo foggy right now.)

Whatever is the case, I'd play it safe and continue to be a team player. If it will allay her suspicions, why don't you take one or two days off for "family" leave (if it doesn't require paperwork from the doctor) and do spend time with your mom. At least when you go back to work, you will look more frazzled returning than when you left! And they will definitely know you Did take family time off. It would be very stressful for you by dealing with your mom, but it would also allay any fears of work from your supervisor. What you do - which I do all the time - I time my leaves when the office is not busy. This way, no one resents it that you took leave when it was very busy. So if Fridays are the busiest, do not take leave on Friday. And if I misunderstood your question - blame it on my fogged up brain....