The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I really do need to thank everyone here so much. When I first found out MIL was coming, my reaction was very negative, because I know her. I could barely endure 2 week visits in the past. Living with us seemed like a very bad idea. But, then I let the guilt and obligation get to me. When she got here, and my fears became reality, I felt like maybe I was being selfish and maybe I needed to be more understanding. Having somewhere to vent, saved my sanity. But it also offered tremendous support and helped me stand up for my family. Thank you all again.

Thanks Susan, Hugs for both you and mywitsend - better times lie ahead. :-)

Mywitsend, YAY!!!!! Raising a glass of (non alchoholic)champagne in celebration. Emjo, sending YOU a big hug, you are always so helpful and caring to everyone, thankyou for all your support, so here is a big hug from me to you. To everyone here on this forum, you are special amazing people for doing what you do, and I salute you all today. I hope you all have a calm, and gentle weekend. Much love to you all, xxxx

Susan- thank goodness! I was worried for you. Dementia makes sense, and would be a relief. I suspect MIL would be easier to tolerate if she would agree to medication. If FIL was not of this temperment when he was younger, itt would explain why your husband might have thought you were exaggerating. In our case, MIL has always been this way. None of it came as a surprise. Only surprise is we lasted this long. Sometimes the Armagedden is necessary! So, yes, Emjo, today is the day! My husband will definately have to set boundaries. He has done so much, and she can be so ridiculously mean to him. I do not think she should be without assistance, but she is in complete denial. He has suggested seeing a doctor for months, and she says nothing is wrong with her. I think part of the reason she has been so hard on our son is she uses him as the scape goat whenever she misplaces something or forgets she ate something. By herself, who will she blame? Today, I sat with her while the rental agent went over the lease. There was a clause on damage, and he used the example of a small grandchild flushing a toy down the toilet. She shook her head in disgust, and said, "Thank God I don't have anymore that small." Such a ray of sunshine. Back at home and already it feels so much calmer and nicer!

(((((((suzanne)))))) mamoogins - what a hard journey you are in., have you decided to take some respite? Did you get some good advice? Definitely you have to keep his pills etc out if the downstairs. Can you take charge of them and make them available to him as necessary? Maybe you can't keep your mum in the home. How long do you think she would last there anyway.Could she go in an ALF and him in a nursing home? Do let us know how you are doing. I think an evaluation of both mum and dad would be appropriate.
mywwitsend - today is the day!!! Yay!!! - the mean and nasty will move out! What a blessing and a success story. You will need to keep your boundaries up even now, but I think you know that, I remember you wrote earlier that your mil needed to not live alone, but that a transition would be necessary. Good luck!
susan - all I can say us WOW! WOW! WOW! - bless God for moving in your family. I am so happy for you that your husband has finally seen what is going on, and this is working out. Your fil does need help, and you all are getting it for him, I di undertsahd being relieved that it is dementia.
lavender - I agree with cmag that therapy helps a lot. Is there a seniors program where they could pick her up and take her out to some social activities? Is it time for her be placed in a facility where there are social activities available in the building? Sounds like you need a break - some time for you. Another thought - does your mum need an evaluation? maybe some drugs could help her mood. cmag - hope you are feeling and sleeping better.
sharyn - backing away is a good thing sometimes. You have a lot on your plate, and your mum is declining. I read n another thread that you see deterioration. There is constant grief as they move downhill, and I see you going through that ((((((((((hugs)))))))
camilla - sounds like your lady had fun.I am glad you feel less isolated coming here. Sounds like you have been through a lot with this person,
Hi margeaux - yes, it is a pain being a food detective. I have had sinus problems/ allergies since childhood, and my food and medication sensitivities are getting worse Re soy - some has wheat - gluten in it and some not. You may want to find one without wheat and try it. I use VH reduced sodium soy and it is fine. Your neighbour who shared the kitty sounds pretty insensitive. Sounds lije your husband is away alot - G is gone again on business for a week, and a few days to visit with his son with the head injury, as it looks like he is not doing well. The surgery dragged him down.
book - how are you doing? It doesn't get easier does it? I hope your sis will help you a little more.
Candice -selfish siblings is a big topic here. Be sure to arrange for some respite for yourself regardless.
austin, alabama, envision, hollis, everyone - hope you have a decent weekend - be sure to take some breaks, be good to you, and let us know how you are doing,
♥, hugs, and prayers - Joan

Thanks, Susan. A minute there, I only thought hubby sided with you ONLY because he overheard his father getting mad at you. I'm glad it was more than just that. Thank God! I won't tell you what was going thru my head about hubby if THAT was just the case! =) Hubby is forgiven in my eyes. Of course he's forgiven in your eyes - you love him. Hubby redeemed himself. Remember, I was there when you first posted your own thread about hubby, you and living in Germany and not knowing the language, etc... Not that hubby needs my forgiveness! But, it's nice to like someone than to forever not like them. Take care!

Hi Book, :-) :-)
I was thinking this morning, that probably the only people who will understand how relieved I am that this is dementia, are the people on this forum! Dementia we can understand, and there are some things that we can start to put in place to help immediately, and there are some medications we can use to help with the anger and the agression in the short term until the illness progresses badly to a point where we need outside help.
If I said to anyone else that I am releived to find out its dementia they would think I had lost the plot completely!!!!

There were a few things that made my hubby change his mind:
1) I kept asking him to put a camera up so he could witness it himself. He said he would ask his dad if he had done what I had said he had done, but of course dad would say no, so he thought I was exagerrating or misunderstanding, and then just plain being irrational when I lost the plot this week and yelled at FIL and him. He finally realised that if I was asking for a camera, that things were happening that his dad was not admitting to.
2) When things got heated yesterday, I came and got the voice recorder and put it on. He said when he saw me do that, he realised that it was because I needed him to hear it, so he decided to stay and listen out of sight. Thats when he heard it for himself, and he was horrified that this has been going on and he hasn't been believing me.
3) He had a long talk to his dad last night, when I was at gym (thank GOD for gym), and purposely tried to provoke anger, which he did, and he saw the anger for himself. He said he felt terrible doing it, but finally he saw it himself. He also saw the old man "space out" in the middle of the conversation for nearly two minutes, which really scared him, and then he had to remind him where he was. He also said the way FIL treated me was so unfair compared to how he treats his other daughter in law, and the old man said in such an angry voice, "for god's sake, I've never even MET her, so how could I treat her better?" She was with him for a month over November and he made such a fuss about her visit, it was his sole focus all day every day for the two months before she arrived, making us (me) all jump through hoops to prepare everything and make sure all was perfect for it. It is unbelievable that he a) forgot it, and b) can't remember ever meeting her.

We ended up last night with a huge forgiveness session directed at the old man. He let me hug him, he hugged my son and my husband, and we told him that we loved him and will do whatever we can to make this work with him because we loved him, so we have reassured him that he is ok, and loved, and wanted. There is no anger left, dad and son are ok again, and he has relaxed hugely. This morning I got up and gave him another big hug when I said good morning.
I gave him the cat yesterday to stroke, as I read that tactile therapy helps them to calm down, with stroking a cat or dog, or even a plush blanket, and that worked hugely.
But now I understand the drinking of 18 cups of coffee a day, the eating all day, the pacing up and down, the constant negativity and meanness, the anger, the rage if someone is in the bathroom at his bathtime, or if someone has eaten the last egg and he doesn't have one for his breakfast, or if someone is sitting in the seat he wants to sit in. It is an inability to do anything different to what his routine has been up until now. That I think is why the rage is so big ... he coped before because he had such a strict routine in place so nobody really saw it. Now the routine has gone, his grasp on normality has gone too.
It is so very sad really. Will feedback once we have done the doctor this afternoon.

Oh and PS: Hubby is back in the bedroom again, and very firmly back in the team. Thank you God! So, although it was Armageddon, it was a very neccesary battle I think. xxxxx

Oh, Susan, I am sooooo glad for you!!! I don't know what made your husband change his mind - but if you ever figure it out, can you gossip and tell it to us?! If you want, you can just tell it to me, only. =) Your comments above was like one of those story books that catches your attention and you can't put that book down until you get to the end. I am so glad your husband knows and now you both are back to being a Team - husband and wife team. The way it should be.

If it's dementia, be careful with FIL. In his mind, you will be blamed for the relationship break up with his son. You saw the anger in his face. Just be aware of him and his body language. You should be fine. But I sure hope you all find something quick but Decent. Please update us, okay? Thanks for giving us some good news. Later, book

Mywitsend: I am hoping the move goes well today, and that peace reigns at home again. Good luck with it all, and lots and lots of love to your family!

Hugs to everyone today, thank you for your support, and hope you all have a peaceful day.

So some feedback to you lovely people: It has been Armageddon in my house this week, but we have found some clarity on how to move forward.

This episode started on Monday, and yesterday my FIL came into the kitchen thinking my husband had already left for work. He hadn't, still in the lounge where he has been sleeping, but the door was open to the kitchen. I said to my FIL, we need to talk please, and just try to heal this, to which he got very angry and started yelling at me, shaking his fist in my face. My husband didn't see it, but he heard it. YES YES YES, he heard it.

So, I went and got my voice recorder, and said, I am going to record this for his son to hear as well, and made a very big show of recording our conversation, so he started talking about how lovely the snow looked, and had I slept well, and what were my plans for the day.

My husband came in to the kitchen and said to his dad very sternly: if you are behaving this way to get my wife and kids to leave the house so you can have me to yourself, think again. If they leave, you will be kicked out, and I will NEVER see you again. If you make no effort to fix this right now with my wife, you can also leave. But understand that if you leave, I will also NEVER see you again, and from now on you will be dead to me.

I was stunned. Completely absolutely shocked.

So he tried very hard to sit and talk to me, and was really making an effort to control his anger and rage. He flat out denied everything. At one point, he sat in silence, glaring at me, and then got up shook his fist in my face again, and leaned over me, all in silence. I kept my calm, and said what was going on for the benefit of the recorder, and then said: you do know that I have asked my husband to put cameras up here, so he can see for himself what you do to me? (There are no cameras yet) He pulled himself together with considerable effort and sat down again, and we somehow got to the end of the conversation with his rage contained.

Half way through, I realised: this is dementia, this is not normal behaviour. this is not narcisssticm, this is full blown dementia, and we have a real problem, because he cannot control this.

My husband who was listening on the other side of the door, came to exactly the same conclusion, and afterwards came to me and said he was so so sorry, that I have had to live like this for the past two months. He has been trying to fix it, and keep the peace with what he thought his dad was, not with who is dad is now, and thought that I was just being irrational and obstructive, now he knows what is really going on, and he is really sorry can I forgive him.

Wow. The relief. The absolute relief.

Last night, we researched dementia. He displays something like 8 signs of dementia. So today, we have an urgent meeting with the doctor, to evaluate him for dementia and to get something urgently for the aggression and the anger.

My husband is distraught and very broken with this whole situation, that he just "let it happen". I have told him that I am so thankful that this blow up did happen, becasue now, we both KNOW what is going on, not just me. Now I know this is not him being hateful and mean to me, this is not personal.

I have more compassion immediately, thinking this is an illness and not awful, appalling, mean and manipulative behaviour.

Susan- how was yesterday? How did the strike go? Know you are in a very tough spot. MIL starts moving today. She will only be 10 minutes from us, but not having her 24x7 negative presence will be a huge relief.

I know what you mean. I wake up worried about what to do with my mom. Besides pushing my buttons she is sometimes verbally abusive. I know she is scared and so am I/ She saw her mother in a nursing home and is scared my brother will be putting her in one. I wake up and toss and turn trying to turn my mind off. I just get a book and read until i fall asleep again. I don't know if this would help you though. Good luck and take care.

I wish, I would have found you guys sooner.
I have been taking care of the 86 year old, since 2006.
The POA's n this case obtained their powers, against their mother.
She had 5 children, the youngest lived in the 2 flat building, her home for 47 years.
At that time I thought I was going crazy. i was the upstairs neighbor, being abused by her children.
So, i reported them to senior abuse hotline for negligence, I was paying for her food and medicine, but they thought I was not doing anything. Big battle, a GAL later on, the court appointed a nurse social worker as the guardian, they sold her building, we now live in an apartment, in the end I am still the caregiver , but now have funds to take care of her. The POA's were her golden children, two oldest, they are also controlling and narcissistic, but they were useless in court after they sold the building, they were no longer in charge or POA and went for guardianship, they lost.

Nobody can make/force you take care of someone,
and if your husband is forcing you, you have rights.
if he is picking his father over you, you still have rights.

Susan26,

Wow! This FIL is horrible! He's really malicious!
We had a very similar situation last year, which was when mother's sister, a narcissist passed away. My sister lives there w/my mom, and aunt (while she was alive). My mom and aunt, had rental properties, which needed repairs. So my sister's boyfriend (plumber) at some point did some repairs for my aunt, since she was the main responsible Trustee of her's and mom's apartments. Our aunt was an extremely hateful woman. She also drove a wedge between my sister and her boyfriend. Honestly, I don't know why my sister also, knowing full well what that woman was like, would involve the beau, in any way shape or form to do work for our aunt. Apparently, my aunt really thought she had some kind of relationship w/the boyfriend via this arrangement. So when he'd come to the house, if my sis wasn't in the room, my aunt would say stuff like, "Oh, I want to talk to you about, Terry, (my sister). Of course she'd lie about her to her boyfriend. I don't think he believed any of it. But then my dysfunctional sister would dump it on him, saying or complaining that he was lending his ear to this. I know that he probably didn't know how/or what to do about it, and he was being cornered, by a mentally sick woman. Anyway, your story rang a bell with me.

It's really unfortunate that your husband doesn't take a stand, either on your behalf.
Well, I don't know more about your situation, but who would have to bear the responsibility here, if you didn't do what you do? This sounds beyond, not fair.
Maybe it's time for your husband, to pick up the slack and see how long he lasts.
O.K., I hope I'm not being too blunt! But your story really hit a nerve.

Thank you so much for the condolences for Vanilla. Much Love & Light!! Margeaux

Margeaux~Thank you for your kind words. I have too many emotions going on right now and I think I need to deal with that instead of rambling on which keeps those emotions on the surface. Letting things back off helps so I can think more clearly. I'll let you all know what happens on the 11th.

It will take you and your husband awhile to grieve your poor kitty. It is so hard to lose a pet and dealing with the neighbor's mind set doesn't help.

Take care and many hugs to everyone!!

susan26, good to read that you are going on strike and taking care of yourself by going to the gym! I think it is terrible when MILs and FILs want to be so possessive of their adult children. Yes it puts the spouses in a tough place, but that's where the rubber hits the road of the marriage vows. I think parents like that must not have wanted their son or daughter to have ever gotten married in the first place which is very selfish (narcissitic) and mean.

Hi Emjo,

Isn't it get a bit crazy when one must become some kind of a food detective?
I have to do this also, because I have sinus/allergies. The other night I know I probably had a reaction to soy sauce, which I'm in denial about, because I like it.

Thank you so much for the hug and condolences! I really appreciate that.
We were in shock on Monday, when it happened. But yesterday, it was so difficult. As I'd mentioned before, he and the neighbor shared custody of Vanilla.
That has been a whole history in and of itself. The reason the neighbor had the cat, to begin with is because my husband my husband brought Vanilla to live here many years ago. She's a narcissist, always first and foremost thinking of herself and her own agenda! All the while in the background of this drama, between she and my husband there's always been a definite air of competition.
He always maintained a relationship w/Vanilla, me too. We'd always have him here, and feed him and her other cat anytime she goes out of town. But she would be so possessive w/Vanilla. So yesterday, my husband and me were settling in with the reality of his passing. He logged onto FB. She'd posted a picture of Vanilla, and informed people of his passing. She referred to Vanilla as "her cat." Then one of our friends, commented, "I thought it was my husband's cat." Anyway, at seeing some pictures of Vanilla, and I believe reading this comment by the neighbor, I think really got to my husband. He cried, I did too.
He's not a crier. Anyway, it really annoyed me, that after all the consistent involvement, and after all, she didn't mention my husband. I guess it has never occurred to her, she wouldn't have had this lovely cat, were it not for my husband. He noticed the comment, but didn't dwell on it. I did!! Well, this is also after lots of complaints by her regarding the kitty. But I didn't draw any attention to it, either. Besides I don't participate on FB, exactly for that reason. I find it to be for some people a popularity contest. So I decided, that this is not what this is about, at least not in my world.

O.K., well I'm glad that on the back of this, my husband got a good prospect for work. He flies out of the country this evening. I've got to help him pack.
So I'll talk to you, later.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, This is good for you. Besides, I don't think you are self absorbed at all. You visit here, not only to vent, but to give support and great advice, might I add.
I have had that similar experience regarding what you've said, about, "taking back feeling bad for your sister." It's really interesting, because sometimes I feel that the roles to a certain extent played in each of our families are opposite. My sister, is quite capable, and has been appointed DPOA, as well as MPOA of mom. But, she is controlling to the umpteenth degree. She likes to play hide the ball, in terms of info. Now if she shared more, it would foster an environment of cooperation, especially with me. In your situation, I'm hearing your sister probably has been quite capable, otherwise she probably wouldn't have had the kind of job she has. On that note, I am truly sorry about the details concerning recent events at her place of employment. But, she not being able to take care of the situation with the cancelation of your mom's insurance policy is just further proof, that your sister for whatever reason it is, is showing problems in being able to follow through. I realize also, that she does have some health problems. You are right, how can someone in her shoes fulfill the responsibilities she will have as the DPOA?
My brother (golden boy), used to be the DPOA and MPOA, for mom and her sister. They own rental property. He's another controller, also. But he isn't responsible like my sister is. So when, my sister and younger brother became renamed for the legal powers, they discovered tons of discrepancies regarding the rentals. Property taxes on these apparently hadn't been paid, thus mother and the narcissistic aunt, had been paying a penalty, on account of this. Apartments, were in complete dis-repair. The tenant in the house told my sister that three apts., were vacant for over 5 mos. The way mother and her sister set up their Living Will/Trusts seemed very convoluted. To this day, my sister even told me that a property my parents bought in the desert, was mysteriously sold. So we highly suspect that my brother and mother sold that property, but we do not know where that money went.
You have every right to get angry about this, Sharynmarie!
As in the case I just related to you about my brother, it is one thing when people who are assigned to handle such important issues, as an elder's finances is incapable, whether it be because a parent picked the wrong person, declining health. The point is, some people cannot handle the responsibility. However, when it is layered over, by people sending out the message, they don't want to communicate, or cannot see beyond the horizon, and deal w/the issue at hand, that is different. In the instance of my brother being in charge, I used to feel beside myself at times. It was my suspicion enormous amounts of money flew out of both mother's and aunt's bank accounts.

Now that my sister is in charge, even though I do have issues of control w/her, I do acknowledge she knows the administrative side of being the DPOA. She's the ultimate task master. Sometimes to her detriment, which gives me the ambiguous feelings. She too is second runner up to my brother in terms of being a golden child.
O.K., Sharynmarie, hang in there.
Thank you for the condolences, Much Love & Light!

Thank you! It is amazing what siblings choose to suddenly weigh in on when they provide no other/very little assistance and are from a long distance - by choice - supposedly to avoid family politics. It can be very sad and emotionally draining for the caregiver doing the day-to-day care.

Firstly, sorry for having such an absolute rant this morning. My Wits End, I have gone on strike. I haven't done any washing/cleaning/dishes all day. No supper is happily bubbling in the pot. They can have left overs for supper. (I made a huge pie yeseterday for supper, kind of outdid myself, and half of that is left over, so they can heat that up while I go off to gym). Cmag, Sharryn, mamoog, thank you for letting me just download somewhere and for being so kind and supportive.

I wrote my husband and my FIL a long letter and sent it via email, so that my FIL can see that I have told my husband everything. I am carrying my voice recorder around with me today and make a very big show of turning it on when he walks into the room. I have told him that we are now going to start videorecording how he treats me, and I will send it to his other son and my husband, so they can see how he behaves when no-one else is around.

I do feel for my husband, I am so aware that he is in such a tight space, and that he is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Last night I nearly flipped when he started sounding exactly like his dad, with his negative comments to me about the kids and my behaviour, and for the first time thought whether I wanted to grow old with this man if he had the potential to be so like his dad.

Such a minefield of issues this living with an elderly parent isn't it. All the things we think we have dealt with and overcome get pushed to exploding point when living with them. I am reminded of what an eastern Guru once said to his disciples... if you think you are enlightened, go and spend a month living with your parents. If you are still calm after a month, then maybe yes, you are enlightened.

If the Gurus consider this the ultimate test, then wow, .... no wonder its so stressful!

I read through ALL the comments, that are emailed to me, since I am new, I do not follow anyone person, nor do I intend to. I read and comment as i have time for.I am a caretaker of an 86 year old women and a college student. I am in my fifties and I do not have much time to devote to the website, but want to offer some support to people as i can.
If I ruffle anyone's feathers, it is not my intention, as I personally know, care giving or taking, is very time consuming job and can fray a persons nerves. I do not want it to continue to fray mine, which is how I came to this website, I feel better
knowing there are people in similar situations like me, so I do not feel isolated.

To the person who lost their pet cat,sharing in your grief, pets offer relief and ask for us just to love them, they always love us, it is so sad...
I hope everyone gets what ends they are searching for and the patience to make it through... and as far as I know, we all have unique situations, no one has a corner on the market for suffering, giving up or helping out, I wish everyone well...

My 86 year old (1st generation) went to the senior luncheon, which meets the first Tuesday of the month, she recognized all of her friends and they were so happy to see her. After the selling of her house against her will, and the unavailability to reach her by phone, her old friends thought she had passed.
They celebrated Fasching, a European Mardigra's, they all had so much fun.
There was a an eighty something that sported a union suit, with a two piece bikini, for the festivities, it was humorous and endearing, they had such a ball. I hope when i am that age that it will be me, having a blast, that is if I get there.

Susan- how distressing. A few weeks ago my husband and I had a terrible fight over the situation. We never fight. My husband was starting to sound like his mother with criticisms of me and our children. I just had it. I told him if we did not find alternate living arrangements, his mother may get her wish of living with just him. I absolutely will not subject our son to this on a permanent basis. My husband was very upset with me. I know in some respects it would be easier for him if I just let her have her way and have my son just suck it up. But, that is not righht. This is his childhood home. I know my husband is in a tough spot, and that is unfortunate. But, subjecting our family to continued verbal abuse is not an option. So, after that, I actively searched out places for her to live. She does not know the options presented to her came from me. Why is FIL living with you? Can he afford to live on his own? Have you looked into what is available.? You have to stand up for your children first. His behavior is abusive. Your husband is in a tough spot. See if you can present him with options and come up with a plan. Are you doing all the caring of FIL? I would consider going on strike. Let him cook his own meals. I have not been overly nice to MIL after particularly nasty behavior towards my son a few weeks ago. She knows I am not happy with her there, and that is just fine with me.

SharynMarie, it was not a renowned elder care facility, but an Elder Care Lawyer that I spoke with.
You are correct that at some point, we just can't handle it all anymore, but in this case, I have no other options.
As I stated, I will go ahead and send the required documentation to take the small annuity he has and use it for some respite and to help pay for his medications and bills. By doing this, my mother will be able to remain in the house and the estate remains in tact.
We'll just have to get up each day and see what our "new normal" every day. He has been doing down hill slowly ever since he moved in with us a year and a half ago. He's been hospitalized 4 times; 2 times he required a lengthy rehab stay after being dismissed from the hospital. The first time was for colon cancer and the placement of a permanent colostomy and the second time he went in with double pneumonia and wound up in congestive heart failure. I'm quite certain it won't be much longer before he winds up in the hospital again for something and we will just have to look at theses times and rehab as our time of respite, allowing someone else to look after his care.
S.

Susan, you are welcome to come vent all you want here. This is why we exist to listen to each other vent and to support each other. I can almost feel the pain contained in the words of your situation. I can't imagine how hateful your FIL's words felt when he said that breaking up your marriage made him happy. He's a sick, narcissistic man. I'm at lost over how many spouses seem to side with their parent against their spouse as if their spouse no longer exists although they are the one doing all of the caretaking. It sounds to me like you have reached a breaking point where something must give for your own well being and the well being of your children. You are in my prayers as you walk through this very pain filled time of your life.

Iam going to back away from things for awhile. I think I am hurting myself getting too involved. Hugs to everyone!

Susan- you are welcome to come here anytime you need to. I am sorry for all you are going thru right now. I know you are hurting and my heart goes out to you. Maybe once tempers have calmed, you and your husband can talk things thru. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you!

I have to vent otherwise I am going to kill him.

My marriage looks like its not going to survive this. I took my daughter to a family constellation session on Monday, for us to try and get perspective on how we can get through this, and sat and watched her crying her eyes out for 2 hours, because of how things are at home. I have tears in my eyes just writing this.

I come home, and FIL has been complaining about us again, the result of which being that husband takes FIL's side, which pushes me to mother lion mode trying to protect my kids. Hubby says my kids are selfish and intolerant and lacking compassion. If he could just see how his dad treats us...

Yesterday I asked FIL if he would do this to his other son and his wife to which he replied no, absolutely not. I was so angry I nearly hit him. He then takes himself off to hubby, complaining that I have kicked him out the house (not yet, but by God it is close) and he can't live with me like this, and hubby needs to make decisions please about his wife and family if he wants him to continue living there

So, long story short, Godawful fight last night, sleeping in separate rooms, and no speaking this morning. Tried to talk to FIL this morning, and he says: I will not talk to you and the kids I am not interested in anything you have to say, and starts to walk away. I said to him, you do realise you have broken this marriage almost irreparably don't you, how do you feel about that, to which he replied that it makes him happy.

happy?

How do I even begin to get over this? My husband is not speaking to me, my kids are distraught to the point of sobbing in front of strangers, I am so angry that I want to smack the man back to where he came from.

Sorry for venting, and also for being self absorbed in my own chaos, which probably is so small compared to everyone elses lives. I think I need to also serve the melted cheese and hot water tonight and call it supper :-) margeaux, I am sorry about your cat. :-(

How am I doing tonight? Well, for some reason I cannot wind down and go on to sleep when I go to bed and thus I'm up late again for a third night in a row. This is getting old.

I find myself both angered and depressed by some of the stories that I read on various threads.

lavender, sometimes one needs a therapist to help turn the buttons off for your mother planted them deeply in there long ago. Is your mother on any kind of depression medicine? Sounds like she's a pro at emotional blackmail and that is a tough one to block. There is a good book with that phrase in its title Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward. I wish you well in trying to detach with love for the sake of your own well being.

How are you all doing tonight? I have been having a hard time with my mom for the past few days. She has been pushing my buttons big time. I hide them from her but she keeps finding them. She cannot get in my car anymore so I cannot take her anywhere. This is getting on both our nerves. She has been playing bridge for years and because she cannot play she takes it out on me. She might be able to get in my car soon I hope. I cannot take the chance that she will fall trying to get in the car and hurt my back in the process. She told her frineds that she can play for Thusrday but she can't. When i bought my car she asked me to get one with fanny high seats. I did. Now I cant get her in it. She has cut off all communications with her friends. Now the bad part when I tell her how nasty she is being she turns it around and says that "You are tens time worse than that name you call me" Does anyone know how I can turn my buttons off?