The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ok, dinner was not so bad. My husband helped her, so it was ok. I shouldn't make fun of the few dinners she has tried, because she always enjoyed cooking. She has, thankfully, only cooked 4 times in the 6 months she has been here. Tonight was the best by far. I think she has it in her head what she wants to make, and something just doesn't come out right. I know she can't help that. Just like the nightly questions on the tv remote. I have patience for that. But, not the mean and manipulative behavior that has been there as long as I have known her. That I cannot tolerate. But yes, you must have humor to get you through. So, the soup. I think there was a plan there, but it just was very, very bad. She diced a single chicken breast and then boiled it in a big stock pot. When the chicken was done cooking, she strained the pieces out and set aside for her salad at lunch the next day. I think she thought she had made chicken broth. But, the one breast in all that water, it looked and tasted like plain old water. When she cooks, she has always given each person their serving. You were never allowed to serve yourself. I always figured that was part of her very controlling personality. Anyway, that night, she had a bowl waiting for each one of us. My husband and son were already at the table. I went to get mine, and it was a bowl with a half a slice of monterey jack cheese. She told me to ladle the soup over it. As she told me this, she lifted the lid off the pot. All I could see was water. I was so confused. We all sat in slience and ate. When we were "done", my son thanked her for making dinner. As rough as she is on him, I thought that took alot for him to say. After she went to bed, he looked at me and said, "please tell me we have something else to eat." We quietly whipped him up a second dinner. I told my husband I was pretty sure there was a prisoner somewhere who ate better than we did that night :). Still, I really don't mind that stuff. She tried, and just has a hard time. The mean and nasty attitude though, I can't live like that. Night!

Thank you MyWitsEnd! I am looking forward to you having your house back and your son being able to who he is.. Cheese with boiling water...not even chicken or beef broth? Like I said... the continuing drama!!

Humor is good!!!

Stay tuned for the continuing drama of MyWitsEnd and the conclusions to the drama of Sharynmarie, Lol!!! I love the idea of a soap opera because if it was a fictional life drama instead of my life, how funny would that be!! Thank you Joan as always!! Take care of your health, I really appreciate you commenting when you have your own health to deal with. Hugs!!!

Suzanne~I am not sure what the renowned elder care is in Atlanta. Is that the same as Area Agency on Aging? I would call them to request a social worker to come out to your home to evaluate the situation. There comes a time when we must let go of a situation because it beyond our means. This does not mean we are giving up or have failed, it just means it is more than we can handle...we are only human. Hugs to you!!

Today was a true reality check. My father can no longer take his pills downstairs in the kitchen because he has missed his mouth or dropped some (without telling us) and then we find them on the floor, blood test strips and diabetes needles that go on the end of insulin pins that didn't quite make it to the trash can.......and it has happened too many times.
We or our grand daughter (2 1/2) could step on them. She could pick one of them up, thinking it was candy or even one of our pets.
I am quite aware that dementia patients require consistency and change is difficult, but we had to move them all upstairs, to his room ans ask him to take them there.
He had no problem when I told him why we were doing it, but wouldn't you know it, as soon as it was dinner time, he went upstairs and brought them down (everything) to take his blood sugar, insulin and pills! OMGolly!
I just don't know how much more I can take, but I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard spot!
I called a well renowned Elder Care here in the Atlanta area to ask for advice and an appointment.
I told them hat my doctor had diagnosed me with depression, my hubby suffered from manic depression and was 70% disabled, that cared for my grand daughter during the day and also took care of her mother, since she was still undergoing surgeries from her cancer and double mastectomy, that my mother (divorced from my father), but lives in the house because hers burnt down and she had no where to go. She suffers from rapid cycling bipolar disorder with a personality disorder and took care of her from afar.
I needed to know how I could place my father in a nursing home because that is what the doctor is suggesting and maintain caring for my mother in his home and not lose the house to the state once he passed away.
Georgia is an estate recovery state. I was told the only way I could do this was to purchase the home for at least 2/3 of the appraised value.
I am so bummed. I cannot afford the home without totally depleting my emergency fund and withdrawing all of my fathers annuity, that I hoped to take care of the old house with if something happened while my mother still lived there.
I was told the case was cut and dry and that was the way it was, nothing they could do to help and no since in even bothering to take my case.
I have no one else to turn to and nothing more that I can do.
We may go ahead and take the $$ out of the annuity/IRA based on his 100% disability and at least pay for a few weeks of respite and get away for a while.
My mother cannot live with me and know one else will allow her to live with either due to her horrible attitude and negativity. I know she's sick, but she believes she is just fine and everyone else is out to get her; oh yes, she suffers from paranoia too. She has nothing to her name, but the automobile we gave her several years ago and the rest of her SS goes through hands like water, and scratch offs. It's all part of the disability.
I would cry, but it wouldn't do any good and I've done enough of that.
I'm mentally exhausted, so I'll just bid everyone a good evening and call it an early night.
Saying my serenity prayer, brush my teeth, take my pills and go to sleep.
Wishing all of you well and hoping your tomorrow is filled with love, peace and lots of sunshine.
Suzanne

Margeaux~I am so sorry about Vanilla. Our pets give us something that is so special regarding conditional love that we don't always get from our family members. Hugs to you and Vanilla.

sharyn - I wouldn't worry about monopolizing the thread. Everyone is welcome to post when they want or need to. I read everything more than daily, but have just not had the energy to do as much posting as I have done sometimes. I am still working on finding out the dietary triggers to the fibromyalgia pain. Sugar, and, I think, some grains like buckwheat. Maybe I need to do a paleo diet. Chili did it to me the other day, so now I have to figure out what in the chili is the problem -tomatoes, peppers, beans, chili itself. I hadn't realised how bad the FM pain was till I got a sore back from being out too much yesterday. It was a piece of cake compared to the FM. I have had 2 days free now from FM pain, it so being very careful what I eat,

Anyway - I do agree thar your sis is perhaps not the best person to be handling mum's finances, and a professional would be a good way to go. I also agree that your sis should pay the $56.82, as her negligence caused this situation, It is not the amount but rather the principle. Sis's health is not good and it looks like this is probably too much for her - as seen at work too. I hope she is not developing dementia. It is one reason I would rather some professional was POA for mother. When I get a session of FM, I am not much good for anything, I can understand you being concerned about this coming between the two of you. It all seems to be landing on you. ((((((hugs))))

lovingmom - my mother is right in the edge of needing more than an ALF. She has home care coming in 4 times a day. I have wondered what will happen when/if she slides down more. You are right there are not many places for those who fall between an ALF and an NH. Some go into senior foster homes where they get more care than an ALF or an NH from what I can tell, and are of a home environment. I think they can be a good solution. I also think you are probably right that she needs an NH or more care than an ALF can give if the dementia is progressing, I don't know what the figures are about the number or % of people who get dementia. It does seem more than before though maybe it was not diagnosed as well before. i have wondered about that too, and what causes will be found, eventually. Our family seems to have avoided it largely though my father probably had vascular dementia associated with drinking,
Mywitsend - keeping everything crossed for you and prayers going up. I know "these people" can cause trouble to the last moment and beyond. Slices of cheese and boiled water - oh my goodness. That won't feed a growing boy, or any one else! I bet your son is looking forward to mum's (as opposed to grandma's)cooking. I am sure you all are looking forward to your home returning to normal.
Even if excuses come, move her things out anyway. Let her know she doesn't have the option of staying. People like her will push the limits. My mother once came west to visit, and told me when her plane was leaving to take her back east. We arranged our day to have lots of time to get her to the airport which was close to an hours drive away. When we were getting ready to leave she looked at her ticket and said she had made a mistake and the plane left 1/2 hour earlier. Well. that wasn't going to stop me! We hopped in the car, and I drove at break neck speed (my kids call me Nana Andretti anyway) to the airport, let mother out close to where she had to check in, found a good parking spot, and got into the airport just in time to see her disappearing through the gates. All she had to say was "It is lucky the police didn't catch you speeding," Aaaargh!!! Too many of these kind of incidents...

Take care all - Margeaux -thinking of you and Vanilla. Losing a pet is hard. sharyn, I wait for the next episode in your drama - you too Mywitsend You both are right in the middle of it.

((((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Emjo- thanks. MIL scheduled to move Friday. So far, she has not come up with an excuse not to. Keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't. It will be so nice to get the constant negativity out of the house. I have promised my son his favorite meals for a month! Tonight she is cooking. This is literally a crap shoot. Last time she "cooked", she served slices of cheese, topped with boiled water, which she called soup. She has always thought of herself as a great cook, and it has always been a hit or misss adventure.
Margeaux- so sorry about Vanilla. We had a cat who lived to 20 years. It was so sad to let her go.
SharynMarie- you have nothing to apologize for. Venting to people who offer support and don't judge is what this site is for.

Yes, we found out that assisted living is for those who need a little care, mostly food is cooked, clothing washed, cleaning their rooms, and some activities. As soon as my mom showed signs of dementia, we had to pay some extra to come in and give her her meds, and shower her. Then she had some falls, hospitalized and they didn't want her back. There are not many places for elderly who fall between assisted living and nursing home. I haven't found any. And now she really should stay in a nursing home because her dementia is getting worse quickly.
It is good to know that some long term care insurance does not cover dementia. Seems strange but good to know. How many people get dementia in old age? A lot,
from what I can tell.

Joan~thank you for your common sense logic. I hope all is going well with you regarding health and keeping the distance with you mother.

I must apologize to everyone because I know I have been very self absorbed with my mom right now. Please know I am reading your posts and hoping and praying for all to receive an outcome that is favorable and doable for you all♥

I talked with Sonja and she of course was vague because she can't come out and say something that would jeopardize her position. She is already pushing the line just talking with me. I think the best situation is if I can convince my sister to let a CPA or the bank handle our mom's finances. It's not that I think my sister will embezzle money...but...the money issue may tear us apart because I don't agree that she let our mom lose the rebate and now has to pay $56.82. Sis should have to pay this realistically.

aaargh sharyn - that is not good and I sure understand you feeling apprehensive about how your sis is coping. She has not been coping well at work either you said., Oh dear.

margeaux - so sorry about vanilla - he sounded like a lovely pet,

These stories from both of you about childhood are revealing and very sad and scary. It ends up that we feel that we are on our own from a very early age, and, in fact, we are.

alabama - I think someone outside the family is good, I am so sorry you have not been able to visit your mum on special days. and I am sorry your mum has had another fall. Hope this gets resolved soon.

mywitsend -wondering how things are. I think your son had a good insight. Mother tried to divide sig other and I at Christmas. Prayers for the move to go smoothly.

camilla - everyone's situation is different. i am sorry you have had such a bad experience with facilities. My mother is in an ALF and doing well there. We each have to make our own choices. Sounds like you are caring for this lady well despite your own problems. I don't think anything can stave off Alzheimers, but a loving environment could optimize her abilities

((((austin)))) - mother has always said she just wants my sis and I to get along, but she gets involved with games with my sis all the time . Mind you, my sis does not need any help - she is narcissistic too. I am sorry about the trouble with your brothers. It goes on and on... Glad you have sorted out things with your friend. It is not easy adjusting to some one else at this age I find. Too set in our ways.

lovingmom I so agree you should not have to give up your life entirely. Alz is a difficult disease to care for. I am glad you have decided against taking her in. Apparently, from reading here, the situation your mum is in, is not uncommon.

cmag - my mum planned for her old age too, thankfully and has managed her money well. She had to supplement my father's pension when he was in an ALF and she was working. (There was a large age difference between them, and his pension was such that she knew she had to work to provide for her old age.) The proceeds from the sale of their house was her main asset, and that has been managed well by her financial advisors over the years. Her financial advisor says she is good for another 8 years anyway and at age 100 that should be enough but who knows. She is trying to rope my sis and I in to agree to pay for some things, when she has enough to do it herself. I ignore it. If the time comes when she does not have enough we will deal with it then.

susan ((((((hugs)))))) - hope you get your fil into assisted living. You don't need the put downs, I am sorry that you have this in your home. It sounds like you work very hard to care for your fil.

fairydust - some do really not care about the effect they have on others. Sounds like she s a control freak. It becomes a power struggle.. My oldest son who is wise beyond his years sometimes, say let them have it when it comes to power struggles. Sometimes easier said than done.

Thinking of all of you - this is not easy. ♥, hugs and prayers Joan

I take back my feeling bad for my sister. Let me explain without being too long winded.

Back in Jan. sis took mom to make homeowners insurance payment, went to the wrong office but they were associated so they forwarded the payment. Mom got confused because it was not the office she was familiar with so she has continued to be concerned that she didn't pay. I went to the right office a week later to get a copy of the payment to give to mom which she lost. The woman in the office told me that my sister never cancelled my mom's car insurance when she took the car. They were concerned since sis was not covered under mom's policy to drive the car plus mom was owed a rebate as the coverage should have been cancelled when sis changed names on ownership. She told me they were holding off on billing my mom because on Dec. 28 2012 it technically rolled over. They were basically cutting my mom slack due to the situation with Alz. I told sis about this asap. She assured me she would get it cancelled. You guessed it...it didn't get cancelled until Jan. 28, 2013. I took mom down to the office today to get another copy for her so she could see the homeowners was paid thru 8/13. The woman told me that the insurance on the car was cancelled but too late. So now my mom is going to have to pay $56.82 for one month of coverage plus losing the rebate. She has had since October to take care of this. I am waiting for Sonja (mom's insurance woman) to call me back. I am going to ask her to send me a copy of anything she sends to my sister. I am trying really hard not to over react on this because I know my sister was sick in January when I informed her about this. Really, is that how she is going to handle my mom's finances?? I will stop my rant now in case I have to eat my words later...but REALLY...golden girl of the family????

Margeaux~That is a horrible experience for a young child to go through!! It is a sad way to grow up when you realize that your own mother is not there for you. My mother would not have laughed, but she would have said something to the effect of how it was my own fault for getting in that situation and then she would have been angry with me for a few days rubbing it in about how stupid I was. Same outcome. Very sad not to have a mother who would comfort your fears.

I feel bad for my sister because she has no one to vent to but me. I have had a year on this site to work out a lot of my anger and to learn from other's experiences. Her dr. put her on Zoloft for depression, I hope it helps her. I can't help but think her anger is her way of grieving. I told her that holding on to all that anger is only going to make her feel worse. She said she knows that in her head, but her heart won't forgive or let it go. I remember struggling with all those emotions when I was in therapy. The hard part with her is reaching her by phone. I send her emails now and don't call her on weekends. The DPOA is written that if she is not available for whatever reason, it falls to me. As far as our mom's medical care goes, I will continue to be the one who handles most of that which is what I have been doing over the last 10 years whenever something comes up. I tell my sister after the fact since I am here. She will have all the finances to deal with and have to report to mom's attorney and then give yearly reports to the court.

Go drink your cuppa joe and enjoy! I have a lot of running around to do with mom this morning. Hugs to you and enjoy this sun shiny day!!

I had a terrible day yesterday.
I don't know if some of you remember I'd posted some time ago, about this wonderful cat, named Vanilla. My husband was given Vanilla 21 years ago.
Since my husband travels a lot, he would be gone sometimes for 3 mos. at a time, so he gave the cat to the neighbor, at some point. Well, they've shared custody of the cat for all of these years. I came into the picture later on, and really loved Vanilla also. Anyway, they had to put him down yesterday, and it was awful!
But, I know he lived a long life. It was interesting, because on Friday, I somehow had this strong feeling that possibly the cat may not be alive a week later. Then, he spent the night at our apt., this last Sunday, as he did so many times, when our neighbor was away.
Vanilla sat on our coffee table, and just kept looking at my husband, then he would look at me. It was as if he was trying to say something to us, and I really noticed that. I was so sad, yesterday! Well, may his beautiful spirit soar very high,
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Sorry, last paragraph: cooperation from her that you can get, I haven't had my Joe yet. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I completely agree with you that the story I related about my niece, was very scary.
I learned much about looking out for others, especially, since I became the little mother in our family. This is the reason I didn't have my own children.
My mother has exhibited some very negligent and stupid behavior when it comes to the care, and responsibility of the people she needed to do this for.
When I was five years old, and in kindergarten, I remember walking to and from school with a little boy in my classroom and with his grandfather. It was not a far walk to the school, but for a kid of my age, it was. Mom had to have been home at that time, taking care of my sister, and two younger brothers, since I'm the eldest.
I remember very distinctly, that my mom would wait for me to walk from the end of the cross street more than half of our block to our house. On one day as I did this, I was being chased by a huge great dane that was loose in the neighborhood. All my mom did, was watch me from a distance, screaming in fear of this dog right behind me. She did nothing to my aid. When I got to where she was, in our front yard, she was laughing at me.
Boy oh boy, what do they call these, epiphany moments?????? I was crying and of course very upset, as she did say something like, "you poor thing," but since she found it so amusing, believe me, "I totally got it, that day," even if I was only five years old. The message I got from that, was I couldn't rely much on mother for moral support. Gee, I couldn't even count on her in terms of keeping me from possible harm either. This in a nutshell has been in the background of much of the little relationship I had with mother over the years.

I know you've told us about the fact that your sister is supposed to be handling some of the legal aspects regarding your mom's situation, when the powers that be kick in.
What does she think it will be like then? O.K., Sharynmarie, again I hope your sister starts to feel better, and hopefully start to realize, that although she may feel hurt and all of that, which I know that's a normal response. But given your mom's condition, you are going to need all the cooperation from her that you need. But I feel for you especially in this regards. This is exactly what I go through with my own sister, who is the one calling all the shots w/mom. Hang in there!
Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Yes, Feb. 11 is a week away. Since I spent 4 years in therapy dealing with the abuse of my mother, I am very able to make a wise, compassionate decision for the care of my mother. I appreciate your concern Camilla, but how my family decides things is up to us just as how your family decides thing is up to your family. If you want to talk with me directly, then address me, don't make reference to a date that concerns me when you have not directly addressed me. OK...Ok!!

Everyone's situation is different, I was born with my disabilities and have made the best through, but I was never able to save for old age, let along, long term care. I have had 2AVR open heart surgeries and three strokes, due to Coumadin irregularities.
I do not wish to be a burden to my kids, I am not narcissistic,
but I hope that if I do not want to go, I won't have to go, into a nursing home.
I worked in one, my grandmother with dementia was in the same one, at different times. The first thing they did with her was dope her up, within three months, she couldn't distinguish herself from the wheel chair they tied her into, with a posie? and they left her in it, day after day after day, until three years later they broke her hip and she died from complications. Something I would not wish on anyone.

The woman I take care of is 86 and has long term care insurance, but it does not cover dementia, at least not the middle stages, that might be something to check for, It is kind of like a homeowner's policy, that doesn't cover flood damage.

Going into a assisted living is different, if it is one that looks like an apartment, but she was in a one room, where she didn't know how to navigate, the space. It was one of those modern ones, looked quite glamorous, from the TV commercials, butit was huge and was not navigatible by someone with middle dementia
and if you can not navigate on your own, does not mean that someone, will assist you to the crackling fireplace to have an early evening snack with other clients or gathering to the fun stuff or that you can participate in the fun stuff.
Some people think the assisted living is all about programs, does not mean anything, if you have dementia. Hopefully, no one will get this horrific disease, it is quite devastating to watch, but we are better prepared these days.

I hope that by keeping her in a loving environment, that we can stave off the disease. She has made wonderful improvements, gained ten pounds and now that she is seeing her friends again, is not doing the drifting staring thing, but is still engaged in life. Something that would and was not happening at the assisted living. February 11, is only one week, good Luck!

Hi Margeaux~

That is a scary story you related about your mom with her granddaughter. I don't I could watch that and not get angry.

My sister is not doing well at all right now. She is very upset about the work situation. They are not reducing her salary so that is good and they told her she could still have time off when needed to help with mom. She hasn't been down much all of January, partly because she was sick. She just has so much anger towards our mom right now. She said she is sick and tired of dealing with mom's issues, complains that is all we talk about, LOL!!! Sorry but I find that statement funny considering my mother's situation right now.

I hope you are feeling better and your hubby is over the flu. Stay healthy, as I hear that norovirus is quite bad. Hugs and good health!!

It's ok!
It's good your mom got long term care insurance. I didn't hear about it until a few years ago.
My husband and I are looking into it but can't seem to get information about premiums. I think a lot of middle aged people today still don't think ahead and look into it. I think people put their heads in the sand about the issue. Nobody wants to think about going into a nursing home. People I know think my situation with my mom is unusual. I try to tell them it is not.

Sorry, I didn't read what you wrote well at all, Lovingmom

I guess that my mother was an exception to that depression era for she saved money and bought a long term care insurance policy that will last her the rest of her life.

I think that parents from my mother's era, ( she was brought up in the Depression) didn't know how to plan for old age except to try to save money. Her mother didn't go into a nursing home but did, in her last few years, go into a boarding home with a family who took in elderly for pay. I feel that I have a certain moral obligation to do what I can for my mother. However, I don't think we should have to give up our lives entirely, especially since she gave away so much of her money to her granddaughter and could really use it now. I thought about taking her in but she has Alzheimer's and is getting worse so I know that she needs to be in a nursing home. I don't want to ruin my marriage, my health, or completely put my children's needs aside to have a normal life. But I will do whatever else I can to help my mother.

Austin~I am so sorry you have to continue to deal with the aftermath of the damage from a narcissistic parent. My eldest brother will have nothing to do with any of us, and it took many years for my other brother to even admit our mothers responsibility in all the abuse as mom had him convinced like me, that it was all my dad's fault. Maybe in time your brothers will come to see things differently. Take care and a big hug to you!!

Sharynmarie,

I'm happy to hear that your mom is pleasant for a change. Yes, possibly the anti-depressant is making a difference.

So how is your sister doing? Well I couldn't help but think about you, w/respect to your sister's news at her job, and how some of this could effect her ability to handle things down the road with your mom.

This story you told us about your parents and your son, I think is evidence of how little real parenting skills some people have, or grand parenting.
My mother also, while she was caring for my youngest brother's daughter, when he was supposed to have his daughter via the custody arrangements, never did because mother took over. This was the first grand kid, so at first mom seemed very involved. But I remember one day watching mother feeding this baby.
She barely allowed her grandchild to swallow a loaded spoonful of baby food, and she was shoving the next spoonful into that kid's mouth. It was awful to watch, and I had to tell her to stop doing this, as the baby could gasp. It was in these moments, that I realized how real little interest mother had as a grand parent, and a reminder of what must have occurred when we were that young.

O.K., I know that Feb. 11th probably can't come fast enough for you, and I'm thinking about you! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well it seems that Mom is still causing problems even after she died-she really wanted to pit us against each other-we the four of us only have one aunt alive and one uncle who wants nothing to do with us-I know he was told about my mothers' death but not a word from him to any of us-and mom made his life very easy when he was carring for his mother by helping him when ever he wanted to get away-she almost lived there-she was there so oftem. Well it seems mom was very angery and told my brothers things that were not true and now one brother and maybe the other do not want to be in even in touch with my sister-it is very sad but mom did know what she was doing-as you all know she made my life a living hell starting when I was young all the way until she died-I learned a lot from all of you about a narcissic mother so it should not be a shock to me that how she was is still affecting us-but it is very sad-at least my sister and I talked about our growing up -mom told her she was a contrception mistake and she and I are close-I am very sad how my brothers feel but I can not do anything except maybe tell them that mom was not telling them the truth or not-probably won't say it because their minds are closed-so it is what it is I guess-thank you for listening. My gentleman friend and I are finally on the same page about our friendship-I have accepted it and well will talk on the phone and see each other as friends for the time being.

Susan- you are so right. A few months ago, I wrote an email to each of my daughters and promised that when I could no longer live by myself, I promise to find a nice assisted living for myself. I told them to print it, and save it in case I ever needed reminding. They laughed, but I was not joking. There is no way my husband and I would ever put our children through that. They have their own lives, and they deserve to live them. Someone once made a comment on here that the reason there may be so many people on here dealing with difficult, narcissistic parent(s) is that a non-narcissistic person would never expect another person to suspend their lives to care for them 24/7. I know I definately would not.

Susan, you are so right and I bet you are a great mother to your kids. In some ways I can forgive my elders for not planning ahead because there are a lot of aspects about modern life and aging now that probably weren't as clear in the past. But it's the fact that my mother has shown me she really and I mean REALLY doesn't care about the impact on me and do what small things she could do to minimize the difficulties that makes me crazy. It's like she wants to stay totally in control and independent with all her pride to the very last second and if that means living in a filthy house, neglecting her pets, risking needless injury, forcing me into the position of calling the state on her...well she'll do it.

If there is one thing I have learned from this experience, is to make adequate care for MY old age on every level ... health, finance, support, friendships, community, spirituality, etc .....so that I will never have to make my kids responsible for me when I get old. It is that age old debate: how responsible are we for our parents bad choices/bad lifestyles/bad relationships with everyone else around them. I only know that right now, I am ACTIVELY choosing not to put this burden on my kids in 30 years time, and putting the steps in place right now so that they can love me without guilt and pressure to "look after me".

My family is totally crazy even not considering any eldercare isssues. I honestly don't know how I will survive their old age, I really don't. I just needed to say that somewhere tonight.