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Envision,

It occurred to me, that you wrote on a post something about you not being able to express in words, your feelings. Do you ever have time, to just sit quietly and think a bit? This is what some people would call, becoming still, giving their minds a rest, etc. But it could be in these moments you could have a light bulb moment, and maybe some of the things you find puzzling, patterns, many things, you could write down. Truth be told, even coming here to the Forum and writing about it, has helped me tremendously. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you.
Hope you are doing well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Bookworm,
How are you? I'm glad to see you posting, as I'm aware that sometimes you don't want to read the thread. Totally understand, sometimes we just have to take a break too! But I wanted to say hi! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Good Morning MyWitsEnd,
I was re-reading, as I do on occasion about what the situation is w/different people.
Sometimes I can't remember each person's details. Anyway, I believe you'd written that your MIL, had moved in with you and your husband from another state, while she was ill? There are so many situations here, and sometimes I can't remember all the details, which I think are very important in each and every case.
I hear you MyWitsEnd! You feel very unhappy and trespassed upon by your MIL.
She is violating some very fundamental rules towards your family, by not cooperating, while being a guest in your home. Your husband and son come first!
I wish my mother would have realized this point, because we as children, and my father never came first for her. Her narcissistic sister did. So this damaged, and lessened for us possibly closer relationships within our family based upon authenticity.
It takes tons of courage for a family member, such as you to speak up, when these things are not happening. It did for me. I once lived at mother's home. This was before my dad passed. The Battle Ax, (mom's sis) this was my name for her, also lived there w/us. She always was a problem, throughout her whole life. No one in our family really stood up to her, not even dad. So you see in some way, my parents by not standing up to this woman, created a monster. But as I got older, I did!!! Oh, and did that ever rock the boat! But what daughter would put up with an aunt, who was making sarcastic comments to my dad, in his own house, I ask?
My dad was way too nice to her, always making excuses for her toxic behavior.
It got so bad at that time, especially three years prior to my father's health declining to colon caner. So when dad passed, I thanked my mom for having me there.
But I also told her, that I could no longer live there with her sister, because she was so unbearable. I left. You see, so I'm of the opinion, that some of us can change our circumstances.
I hear you MyWitsEnd, so just keep thinking and doing what you are doing!
Much Love & and there's Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux- Thank you. Of course, we should have never let MIL move in. But, she was not doing well, and we felt bad. Once she regained her strength, she returned to her normal self. She is fine to be on her own at this point. Problem is, she is rejecting every housing option presented to her. We have been too nice, and our son is paying the price. I absolutely will not have his last years at home with us be tainted by this. I would be very understanding if this were dementia related. This is willful disrespect of our home. Again today, she moved things to how she wants them. They are not hers to move, but she cannot accept we would place things in spots other than what she wants. At least she didn't pick a fight today. She does that almost everyday with my husband. We NEVER argue. Our home is drama free. Now, it is always something. I am so tired of it. Thanks for letting me vent. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind.
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emjo, I love your post about "When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself." That's what I do all the time, I say yes, because I don't want anyone to be unhappy if I say no, and then usually I am the unhappy one. I will try harder not to say yes, right off the bat, before thinking it through. It is hard to change one's life long patterns...
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I thought this was a forum for caretakers on care-giving and helping support each other in times of trial. I was only trying to come, from an understanding point of view, being a person who has had two open heart surgeries and two strokes, I know what it feels like, to have family members want to put you somewhere, you don't really want to go.

Fortunately we live in a time and place where people do not have to be forced to into nursing homes, the MIL sounds like she still has her wits about her, do they have assisted living places by you? Unfortunately you say your MIL is a narcissist (they always cause trouble and they enjoy watching people squirm). It is one thing to have very firm boundaries, with your MIL, but who put a child next to the women who says she does not like children? I tell you it was doomed...

I hope whatever you are trying to get help with, I hope it works out well for the everyone concerned.

I helped rescue someone from the clutches of institutional living, that was literally draining the life out of her, she is 86 years young and recovering nicely, although I have days where I wish, I had more freedom.

She goes to a daycare part of the day and I go to college in the evenings. I do some of her daily living functions, transitioning her from bath to eating to dressing and trips to the doctor, etc., she on the other hand, gets to live with her son, and live life as normal as she remembers it to be. For that I have no regrets!
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Joan~My mother did receive a business card in the mail from APS, nothing more. My sis took it with her Monday and was going to call them, but told her why bother, they probably won't come out unless there is suspected elder abuse.

-26!!! Brrrrrrrrr! I am complaining because we have been getting in the low 30's and upper 20's at night. I will shut up now, Lol!!

Glad you and G are feeling better, I read a little about the norovirus, it seems some people have been very ill with it. Take care of yourself!!
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Camelia,

If you go back several posts, you'll see that Mywitsend, doesn't have a good situation with her MIL. She is the one completely over stepping her boundaries!
Margeaux
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I just lost three posts so will keep this short.
mywitsend I do agree with how you are dealing with this. Sniors can be emotionaak vampires too.
Sharyn - things are going downhill and your mum needs help. Hope Feb 11th bring somes. I do not understand about APS either. Hang in there.
Here is am finally getting over the flu or whatever has hung on since Christmas -sleeping a lot! G has been quite sick twice, once with a norovirus, but thankfully -from my point of view - away at meetings both times. Mother sent a few emails in response to me drawing very firm boundaries, after the Christmas fiasco. She is finding excuses for her own behaviour - I have ignored them -same old, same old. She is fine and has resources where she is. For those of you who don't know she is narcissistic and has Borderline Personality Disorder, is narcissistic but does not have Alz. She is 100 yrs old living in an ALF in another city by her choice, and causing trouble whenever she can.
We have snow and more snow here - worst I have ever seen and it is minus 26 with wind chill taking it to minus 38. I think I will stay in today. It is supposed to warm up by the weekend to 9 degrees F. I hope!!!
Have a good day everyone and remember what Paulo Coelho said:
"When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself."
In other words - look after you.
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Camelia, this is a very narcissistic person. She does not like out children, and is open about it- particularly our son. He is at home, and he has to hide from her or she makes him miserable. I would have some compassion for her if she had been the kind of person who helps other people or has ever cared about anyone but herself. She has never been.. When one of her children died, leaving teen children without parents, alls she cared about was getting some worthless family things out of their house. She did not care that these children had no home. We did it happily by ourselves. They are now grown and doing well, but in 10 years, she has not sent any .of them so much as a card. She is extremely controlling. She has plenty of money for her own place. But then, she would not have people to boss around and cater to her on a daily basis. I would absolutely never put my children through that. I cannot describe adequately the 30 years of nasty behavior I have witnessed. We should have never moved her in. Now that she is here, we need to get her out. She delights in making other people miserable. Right now, she is succeeding.
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If the person in your house or anywhere else is in decline...
Aren't they in decline???? It is not the worst thing, I hope someone will be there for you should you need it, however if she is living there, maybe something that makes her feel like she is at home would be appropriate, could it be that she no longer recognizes people in the collage?
Behavior is always a good assessment tool.

Maybe there is something more than old age, Alzheimers could be the villain and something an elderly person has no control of.
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I'm sorry to hear that your MIL caused more problems today. You are right. You have no choice than to set boundaries and stand by them so that she gets the message to leave. I've never had my MIL live in my house, but she used to insist on staying in one of our bedrooms when visiting. After years of being too patient, I did a few things that led to her never wanting to spend the night in our house when visiting again. Frankly, I was hoping to never have her visit us again, but nope.
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So, apartment shopping did not go well. She says she withdrew her application to the senior living place. She now aknowledges that she will have to verify her income, but now she doesn't like the place because the young lady assisting us is too sweet. Apparently, that means she is not to be trusted. So, they went to look at a complex she lived in a few years ago. There is nothing available on the first floor, but she is sure one will be available soon. I think this is all BS. I finally lost it with her. She rearranges things to how she thinks they should be. My husband has asked her nicely many times. Her reaction is to argue with him on how her way is better. Tonight, she moved a decoration, so I moved it back. Five minutes later, she moved it again. I moved it back. I came back a little later- moved back to where she wanted it. I finally asked her to stop it. It is mine, I like how I have it, please leave it alone. She made some comment about how I could get rid of it. I said, no, it is mine and it is my house. She said, that is obvious. I said it is apparently not obvious to her. I am through trying to make her comfortable in our house. I cannot imagine going into someone elses home and thinking I had the right to dictate how they do things. Tonight she bitched to my husband that I have no pictures of her in my house. He pointed out several, which shut her up. But the funny thing is, in the room she is in, there were three collage frames with family pictures in them. There were several of her, and many of her children. On the dresser, there were framed pictures of her grandchildren. Day one, she asked that they all be removed. There were beautiful needlepoint pictures that my grandmother had done. She took them off the wall without asking, and stacked them up in a corner. I do not understand going in to someone elses home and acting like that. Then again, this is how she has always been. She wouldn't listen to a social worker. She is going to have to want to leave, which means we have to stop letting her run all over us. Sigh. I feel like I am being a bitch, but I also feel like I have no choice.
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Hi everyone!!

It's one day at a time here with my mother as we wait for the appt. with the neurologist. Last week my mother noticed a window in the family room was cracked. It's duel pane so the glass com. had to order a new window. We told mom several times they would be here on Monday the 28th to replace it, but yesterday she called the police about it. My sis got there shortly after the police. Sis said the woman officer locked eyes with sis (in a questioning way due to mom's cognitive impairment). Toilets all work, mom was panicked because she just didn't understand how they worked. Later she accused my brother of stealing her dolls (little stuffed animals) that she keeps on the tank in one bathroom. My poor brother, he used to play barbie dolls with me and my sis when were little but I think he has outgrown that now that he is 61yrs. old, Lol!!

My sister has been doing accounts receivables at her job for some time now. She has admitted to me that she has been making mistakes since her health became an issue. Today she was told she is being demoted. Of course they did not use that word, they told her she would be making a big sacrifice so the other two ladies in the office can stay on staff. My sister has fancied herself as the office manager even though she has never been told that or given the title so this is a big blow for her.I feel really bad for her about this plus I am sure it will include a cut in pay which will be a further hardship for her. I really am not surprised after she has told me of her mistakes and one of the other ladies covering for her, but I guess it has gotten to be too much for them to accept. She is 60 yr. old now and I hope she hang in there to 65, even though she planned to work longer.
Have a good day everyone!!
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MyWitsEnd~Have you tried contacting a social worker to come out and talk with your mil about her options for places to live? The Area Agency on Aging should be able to help you with this or at least direct you to a social worker. Plus having a social worker talk with her will help to drive home the fact that she can no longer with you and her son.
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MyWitts, I pray that it all works out tomorrow.

Thanks for asking about my wife. She is doing much better.
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Cmag- no, hubby does not have POA. Something on his list. First priority is getting her out of our house. Tomorrow, he is taking her to the complex she now says she wants to live in. They also, of course, will require her to verify income. They also have an immediate opening. She needs to pick one. I seriously feel like I have a rabid animal that has nested in my house and refuses to leave. I saw that your wife had some kind of knee surgery. How is she doing? I had both knees replaced last year, the second in December. Best thing I ever did for myself. I feel like I am 15 years younger. Thanks for all your advice.
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Thanks for the advice. I do think sister is on a power trip, but she is also exhausted from two years of twice a week Dr visits with Mom (when Mom was in Independent Living) and now about twice a week visits to NH. Either me or my Brother go on the weekends since we both work. Another sister goes for a few hours twice a week. I stay overnight and sleep on another sister' couch when I go (so I visit Mom for 16 hrs). We do all we can to take pressure off her. She is just DONE but won't admit it, and we have no choice but to need her for certain things since she is close. There has been no mention of not letting us visit, but it is like pulling teeth to get info on her care. Mom had Norovirus (hospitalized) and pneumonia in the last month. She has back pain and is on heavy pain pills. Still does some PT, trying to walk. Mom is also on antidepresants. Thanks for listening!
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Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Cmag and all regular and new posters here. I didn't mean to ignore you all. I tend to read posts, and when I zoom into something I want to comment on, all else is thrown behind the back of my head. I post and reply back to the exclusion of all else. Gotta go now and clean mom's trache and read a mystery book. Night!
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Bookworm, I know her :). Plan in place to convince her income verification is standard. Keeping all of my appendages crossed!
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MyWits, I didn't even think about how MIL will take over the house by doing some chores. Well...glad you thought of it.
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Bookworm- that is my plan starting yesterday. We have made her way to comfortable. She can do chores, but she is very overbearing. That would give her free license to redo my whole house. No thanks. Yesterday, I cleaned up the stock pile of groceries and condiments she insists keeping on the counter. This week, we are taking back our family room. She can watch tv in her bedroom. Why should we be doing that? So, that's my plan for this week.
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MyWits – well, you just have to make living with you not so great a place to stay. Can MIL still do chores? Maybe hubby can approach his mother and ask if she can start contributing to the household. And yes, I would also stop warming up her plate. If she wants it warmed up, she can do it herself. Anyway, think of this as “training her to move out and live on her own.” You know how parents are suppose to do this for their teens before they leave home for college? Teach them to cook, wash their clothes, etc..? Maybe you all need to do the same with MIL.

Jhodierne – this thread seems to have a lot of narcissitic parents involved. I suspect father is one but I just don’t delve deeply to find out if it’s true or not. We will always butt heads with another and unfortunately, we both like to be right. So, I will just go with the flow and wing it as I go…..But I agree with you wholeheartedly. This is the best place to vent our anger/bitterness/resentment/frustrations…You take care and when you need to vent, just jump in and do so. HUGS!!!
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From what I read around the threads on AC, if sis has the medical POA, she can exercise her rights to prevent her siblings from visiting their mom. I do recall reading another poster who's sibling was doing this to her. The NH would not let her visit or release any information about her father. I guess you can see the attorney but make sure you see an elder attorney (one who specializes in the elderly). Otherwise, if you go to the wrong lawyer and they give you wrong information, and you enact on their recommendation and lose - you will have really pissed off sis and she can just get revenge with you by forbidding you from seeing mom. Best to just Not rock the boat and go with the flow. Sis is power hungry, just cater to her "demands" no matter how much it pisses you off. BUT, if you go to an elder lawyer and he recommends that it is possible to prevent sis from stopping you all from visiting, then good. Maybe (?) go with his recommendation? (Sorry, my siblings had gone to court 3 times - and all 3 times - they chose lousy lawyers and got the short end of the justice system.)
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Angie~I am sorry I misread your post. Now that I re-read your post, I suggest that you and your siblings stop asking your sister questions because it gives her power over you. Just go visit your mother and spend time with mom. Chances are...if your sister has a power issue, she will transfer her power issue to something else. It's all about getting attention and if she isn't getting it then she find another way to get it. Just make sure that you and your siblings can visit your mother at the NH without your sister interfering. If necessary, see and attorney to cover your bases so your sis can't stop family from visiting. Hugs to you and let us know what is going on!
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I don't know what you can do Angie. If your mother has a living trust and the same attorney wrote the POA then you could contact him/her because I would think your sister has to report to someone showing how the she is handling the finances. When my sister can legally take over our mother's finances, she will have to report to our mother's Elder Law Attorney most likely on a yearly basis giving an account of how she is spending our mother's money on mom's care.
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Need help with sister who has medical power of attorney and is primary responder due to her close physical proximity to Mom's nursing home. She is causing family fights over every little thing. We are not allowed to ask her any questions about Mom's care, or we are 'disrespecting' her, the sister. Stressful enough without all the fighting...
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It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I am now the caregiver to narcissistic mother and father who endured years of emotional abuse. What I thought was buried deep, the resentments and heartbreak that I feel everyday are overwhelming. My only support system is my husband and 15 year old daughter for whom I am so grateful. My golden child/narcissistic brother is of no help to me. I cannot stress the importance of therapy and self love even though it is easier said than done. Sometimes we find comfort and support in strangers whom we have never met, and I am eternally grateful for this forum.
Jennifer
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MyWittsEnd, that is so frustrating. I don't blame you for wanting your home back. I've probably asked this before and if I have please forgive me, but does your husband have POA for his mother and if so, is it a Durable POA because if it is, he could go on an fill out the paperwork in her behalf and get her in the place. I hope for your sake that some solution is found soon.
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I am so depressed. Last week, we found MIL a wonderful independent living place, well within her budget, that had everything she said she wanted. And it is immediately available. She seemed excited, and started the paperwork. Yesterday, she announced she was not moving. She thinks the application process is somehow a scam to get at her money. She will not allow the complex to verify her income. I am beside myself. Exactly where does she think you can rent without verifying income? I told my husband she has no intention of leaving. And why should she? We have given her full run of our house. I am sick of it. Tonight, I could not even fake being nice. I am tired of her idiotic requests. She instructed us to warm her plate for dinner ( she cannot eat off a plate right out of the cupboard). I just ignored her. I just want my home back.
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