The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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E envisionnow Jan 2013 · Answer 1 · 2013-01-20T19:05:53.000-0500

Margeaux, Wow, what an insight, "they'll forego previous cruelties committed upon us" it seems all they need is a common enemy of one kind or another.

A AnaGina Jan 2013 · Answer 2 · 2013-01-20T15:00:27.000-0500

In my humble opinion all families are dysfunctional one way or another because we are never taught when we are children to love ourselves and what loving oneself entitles: taking good care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And we cannot blame the people who raised us because they did not know any better either. This is a problem that has evolved from the beginning because our main priority is survival. As long as our survival is not warranted everyone has to do whatever possible to assure that survival. Only after growing up and becoming conscious of our own selves we begin to take conscious awareness that eventually take us to grow and mature. Most human beings are immature and have many emotional issues that developed in infancy and were never properly addressed. This is the challenge we all face. We cannot change circumstances or people, but we can change how we look at things and how we respond to those circumstances and people. It takes a lot of work and effort but I am convinced is worth the effort.

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 3 · 2013-01-20T13:06:51.000-0500

Sharynmarie,

Sorry for some of my poor grammar, I'm still not quite awake.
Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 4 · 2013-01-20T13:02:50.000-0500

Sharynmarie,

My SIL had her daughters in a dance group which performed a various events for over 10 years.. My nieces are now in their college years, so decided to give this activity up. But my sister told me that before that happened, our SIL managed to get into a fight with the parents in that group. She also off and on, hasn't been on speaking terms with her own mother and sisters. Right now, she's not speaking to any of them.
So when my own sister tells me of the squabbles they have between them, of course she just loves to say, "SIL, is only coming around our family since she's not speaking to her own family. The other day I had to put a stop to that comment also by my sister. She's also been know to do this not speaking to people when she's been in fights w/people. She gave me somewhat of the silent treatment over the years, before our mom and the narcissist needed our concern and help.
Then my sister needed moral support from me, (of which I give w/o hesitation) So isn't this interesting how in families I've come to the conclusion as in this case whilst a toxic individual needs something from the rest of us, they'll forego previous cruelties committed upon us, out of their own needs. But in the bigger picture of things they haven't realized the damage they do, especially to their own children, in the process. This isn't what I define as genuine love w/in families
I know you have written about your SIL, and she sounds like a doozy too.
O.K., I hope things are balancing on your end, I know it's been a very busy time for you. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 5 · 2013-01-18T13:04:21.000-0500

Cmagnum,
My SIL is very toxic! I remember in the early years of she and my brothers relationship. Whenever they would be at any gathering at my parents home, lets say if I was reminding my brother about a quality of his and it was nothing negative, because I'm not about bringing anything of the sort up, SIL would always interject her opinion about whatever I'd say. Her comment usually had a sting to it, or she would remind me that our brother still did, or liked such and such. I began to notice she was trying to drive home the point that she knew him better than we the family members. It was starting to look like competition to me. To this day, if you call my brother, my sister tells me that she many times answers his phone. So you see the behavior that she's taken over. Then to make matters worse, my brother isn't they kind of guy who notices any of this, nor puts a stop to it. He's quite passive in this area, just as my dad was with our mother.
Many years ago, my sister took her daughters camping w/my brother, SIL and their eldest daughter. My parents went also. My SiL has been known to talk rather roughly to her eldest daughter. At some point during the camping trip, she tried doing that to my sister's youngest daughter, and they had a falling out. My sister and her daughters came home the very same day. On account of this, my sister and SIL didn't speak for about 11 yrs. My brother would come over at Christmas, but both he and my sister made sure to it they weren't there at the same time.
Honestly, IMO, my sister also isn't easy. I think she could handle things very differently. So this is why I do not understand, present day why my sister and brother seem to extend invitations to one another.
Anyway, my SIL has also favored her younger daughter over the older one.
Her younger daughter, like my sister's is extremely spoiled. I sense SIL, did everything in her power to make sure my brother and his eldest daughter were not too close. Then layer over that, the eldest one is very beautiful. I realize what has happened over there! Believe me, when you are the daughter of a mother that did this, as our mom did with my sister and me with respect to dad, it's obvious.

What's that saying about when one marries, you marry there family?
Isn't that true. Thanks for helping me figure it out. Hope you and your wife are well.
Much Love, Margeaux

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 6 · 2013-01-18T02:48:54.000-0500

Margeaux~My sil did the same thing. She insulted my brothers friends so they quit coming to his house. She worked at the same bank my mother worked at and many of the employees did not like her, even the young woman in her age group. The woman (Nancy) who is my mother's former co-worker asked me recently about her because she said that she and her husband were good friends with my brother till she came in the picture. She continued to work at the bank after they got married but when she went out on maternity leave, they told her she could not come back because they don't allow family members to work together. Ironically her brother also worked at that branch as the operations officer. My brother married her when I was 14, he was 22. At the wedding reception her father was crawling around on the floor trying to look up women's dresses!! She obviously had her own dysfunctional family, Lol!! Have a good night and Hugs!!

N notrydoyoda Jan 2013 · Answer 7 · 2013-01-18T00:04:54.000-0500

Margeaux, your SIL sounds very much like my MIL whom my FIL was never able to stand up to including when he saw his wife abusing their daughters. I've had my own battles having to stand up to MIL, stand up to my mother, and yes sometimes even stand up to my wife for she caught some of her mom's stuff growing up in that dysfunctional environment. We both have had better boundaries in our lives for the last 12 years than before.

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 8 · 2013-01-17T21:51:01.000-0500

Sharynmarie,
Yes, I would side with your mom on that one. My SIL in this instance, sounds like your SIL. Unfortunately she's pulled some stunts over the 20 some years married to my brother, to isolate him, and keep him from the family.I hate to say this, but she wears the pants if you know what I mean. She and my brother moved about 60 miles from us many years ago. So just on the geographic scale they live far.
She did succeed in somewhat isolating my brother from us to a certain degree.
But over the last several years, since he was the one who ended up w/POA of mom and her sister, next in line from my sister. But last year, my aunt so she thought tried appointing my brother as the first,POA, since she and my sister had a big falling out. Another interesting fact about that arrangement, is that my aunt apparently had a crooked attorney, and in the end they came to discover, the lawyer had never filed the new appt. of POA of my brother w/the county clerk. So the previous one was still in place w/my sister in charge. So on account of this, my brother over the last few years has been more in touch with my sister, and actually the family. The good thing about this brother is that he is cooperative. He just either is in denial about how his wife and daughters behave.
This I'm sure my brother learned from our dad. Mom was the one somewhat running the show, while we were growing up. She used to get in such bad moods, and take off w/that sister of hers on weekends shopping. My dad never stood up to our mom like some other husband might about allowing any relative to always be so intrusive into our lives. But I guess this is how my dad employed some avoidance of mother. That was dad's dysfunction. Isn't it weird how the sons can copy this behavior too, the not knowing how to deal with their wives and kids. But with we his children dad was a disciplinarian way more than my two brothers have been with their kids.

I was getting signs of a sinus headache today. I guess the jump in the temperatures has something to do with this. O.K., have a lovely evening,
Hugs right back! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 9 · 2013-01-17T14:01:09.000-0500

Margeaux~You are very right about behavior and consequences. When people are less than welcoming when you come in their home, why would you want to go back? My eldest brother's wife was very rude when my parents would stop by and visit when they lived here. She would actually get up and go do bed (early evening visit). After they moved to Montana, sil made their visits so uncomfortable. I have to side with my mother on this one, sil would get mad because my mom would buy the kids treats when they took them to town. My parents only got to see the grandkids once a year. After the second visit to Montana they never went back which is what sil wanted. Of course there were other issues due to mom's PD that played into this as well. Good for you telling your sister the truth even though it fell on deaf ears. Detaching, detaching and more detaching.

I have the same problem with running the heater, sinuses getting too dry, stuffy,etc. Daytime temps are getting back up in the 50's but nighttime temps still below 32 which is cold for us. It's usually in the 40's at night. We aren't having the fog either which makes it colder. Gotta run, getting ready for work. Have a great day and hugs to you!!

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 10 · 2013-01-17T12:32:50.000-0500

Well I managed to keep a safe distance from my sister's complaints about her dysfunction regarding her daughters and my SIL's daughters. But a couple days ago she did call me, and started to recant the whole thing, and the fact about our brothers attitude towards it, which is he doesn't seem to realize that his daughters, nor his wife did a bad thing by dissing my sister's first grandson on Christmas. My brother has never been emotionally involved in anything, he's' a quiet kind of guy. This is his personality. He's the father of that other niece I just wrote about who was in and out of jail, and he never participated in the discipline about her. My sister seems stubborn about the fact that he doesn't acknowledge nor does he think my SIL, (who's a narcissist) does anything wrong. I told her, that he's probably never going to acknowledge this, because he isn't a participant at all in that manner, either. So when my sister shared with me that my brother had called after Christmas to ask her, what was going on Christmas Day, as he felt quite uncomfortable, he told her that her younger daughter didn't greet he, SIL, and their daughters. The dissing of my great nephew occurred after that. So this time around, I got brave and had to point out to my sister, that possibly by her own daughters bad behavior, the other cousins and SIL did their bad deed. I feel as if I've bitten my tongue long enough about my sister's daughter's poor attitude.
My sister seems to think that daughter's behavior doesn't affect relationships in the bigger picture, and it does. Even when I told my sister this, she somewhat defended, or made a very poor excuse saying, that her daughter is grown up now, and she can't control what her daughter does. Oh boy, just to give you all an idea about how my controller sister thinks. She thinks she can control, instead of having taught her something. I'm glad I finally spoke up to my sister, about the truth of that matter. Behavior does have consequences, and it's playing out!
Detaching again, Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 11 · 2013-01-17T12:09:55.000-0500

Sharynmarie,

Yes, it has been cold in California. Last night I found myself putting on this light jacket inside the house. We turn our heater on, but we're in a small apartment. Too much dries out my sinuses, so I have to monitor my husband about this (he gets colder than I do)
It's important to have the heater on with elders, especially up where you live, as I know it's probably very cold there. It does play on our emotions too, whatever our elders may be suffering. I know I've felt this way, when I've been over at mom's, and my sister is having an issue w/her. Many times my sister w/become impatient and annoyed w/mom. I know it's based on past history since my sister starts to mention things to me, about how hard she once was on us.
I would never put myself in my sister's shoes either, she lives w/her. But my sister also takes just about anything and everything very personally.
Well you're doing the best, and a very good job at separating your feelings from what needs to be done, etc.
I hope the medications start to work for her. You and yours are in my thoughts, Sharynmarie! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 12 · 2013-01-17T11:59:00.000-0500

Emjo,

Peace to you. It must be a difficult time for you having lost your friend, then also hearing news your other friend had surgery. Yes, this is when one reflects, about things. Your in my thoughts Emjo, and glad to hear from you. Much Love & Light!!
Margeaux

J JessieBelle Jan 2013 · Answer 13 · 2013-01-17T00:27:45.000-0500

It's funny how a few words can fill a big hole in our heart -- something that Rolls Royces and the crown jewels can't do. I thanked my aunt on her online memorial a few minutes ago. If she got the message somehow, she probably knew what I meant. :)

E envisionnow Jan 2013 · Answer 14 · 2013-01-16T23:21:42.000-0500

JessieBell, Love your comment "The gift of words." I think that is what I miss the most about my Mom... She always healed me and loved me with her "gifts of words." What an amazing way to think about words. I am so happy for you to have received some understanding and healing.

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 15 · 2013-01-16T21:33:51.000-0500

Austin195,

What an inspiration you are! That's it! This is exactly the best way to approach these difficult people in our lives. It really takes some kind of discipline too. Heck, I had to do this the other day, when my husband and me went to visit this woman friend of his. She's a great lady. But here comes the but, she's very opinionated, and honestly sometimes talks way too much. The other day she made a comment about being afraid in another part of town and rolling up her windows when she's in that area, of course insinuating that people from my culture are bad and could harm her. Let's say, she's rather clumsy at times when she makes remarks like this. I felt myself becoming offended, as she said this. Then I just told myself, "o.k., you're not going to go there." I know she's generalizing and I wasn't going to react not even privately at an emotional level. If I do, then I give my power away. So I decided to become the observer, and honestly, she's really the one w/homework to do about other cultures, her problem. Normally, once we came home I would have mentioned something about this to my husband, then these feelings can stay with us. It felt good for someone else's dumb comment not to control me. Gee, this felt so good. Anyway, loved you post! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 16 · 2013-01-16T18:42:12.000-0500

BTW this coming Monday will be three weeks since my mom has been on an antidepressant and 3 weeks since her dr. said he would report to APS that she can't live alone and needs an evaluation and home safety check. APS still has not come out. Told my sister last week I did not think they were going to come out since the dr.'s report to them is standard procedure. Sis is sick this week with a nasty cold, when she is better I am going to make appt. with a geriatric physician.

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 17 · 2013-01-16T17:24:38.000-0500

Hollis and Joymoon I didn't mean to forget you, I hope you are both well and come back to share, vent, just let loose!! Hugs to you both!!

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 18 · 2013-01-16T17:16:05.000-0500

Margeaux~Thank you for asking about me. I hope you are surviving the colder than normal temps we are having here in California. We really are a bunch of wimps when it comes to colder weather, Lol! How are you doing over all?

I have been busy with mom running back and forth making sure she is using the heater, eating, etc. On Sunday when I went over, she did not look good. Then she told me she just got a phone call from someone telling her she has to leave her house and cannot live there anymore. I realized she had been crying. I reassured her that she owns her house, it is secured in the living trust and no one can remove her from her home. I have been off the last 3 days and on Monday I went over in the morning because I was worried about her from the day before. It has been very cold here at night (25-28), she was still in bed because it was so cold. She had the heater on but the thermostat registered 59 degrees at 9:30am. I made her some oatmeal for breakfast and she perked up. Even though she has been so abusive and destructive in our family, it still just breaks my heart to pieces when she is experiencing pain due to the Alzheimer's...not understanding phone calls and then panicking. Yesterday she was back to normal (what normal is for her now) and she was able to get moving in the morning getting herself breakfast. Take care everyone!!

Joan~Take care of yourself and post when you are feeling better...so much going for you to process right now. Hugs!

Envision, Cmag, MyWitsEnd, Crossbearer, and CapNHardass I hope all is going well with you as you continue to care for your loved ones!! Hugs!

S sharynmarie Jan 2013 · Answer 19 · 2013-01-16T16:37:03.000-0500

JessieBelle~What a wonderful gift to receive!! I have read many of your posts on other threads, it is obvious that you have a heart full of love. I think making a plaque is a great idea, something that reminds you...It is not your fault and put a picture of your aunt on it as well. If you have to keep it in a drawer so you can pull it out and read it when you need to be reminded then do it so your mother wont get jealous. Hugs to you!!

J JessieBelle Jan 2013 · Answer 20 · 2013-01-16T09:48:24.000-0500

I looked back over life last night and thought about a few things. I got online and went to a couple of the sites on children of parents with PD. I didn't get a lot from the sites, because they focused so much on symptoms and definitions, instead of the spiritual aspects of what happens. I realize that self-centeredness and jealousy of a parent can drive a wedge between the children. In maintaining herself as center, a parent can plot one child against another and father against children. So you end up with a totally broken family. It can be very subtle, like talking bad about siblings or showing favoritism. The end result is that everyone is dependent on the parent with the PD for any type of family connection. And that can be like being dependent on a chicken bone for nutrition, because there is nothing there.

Austin, what you wrote is so true. I decided last night that the baiting and belittling were just silly words to be ignored. I do realize that with her personality and the dementia, there is really no way to help my mother beyond her physical needs. But maybe it is time to pull in the rest of the family. My brother and his family went to the funeral with us. My SIL did all the driving and everyone helped with my mother. It was a stressful but wonderful trip. And I found a family of cousins who were mostly very loving people. They had been Facebook friends for a while, so we weren't total strangers. Family does need each other. They provide something that no one else can. When you grow up without the connection, you don't even realize it until one day you see what it is. It is like belonging to a club where you're a totally accepted member. And it is even okay if you put on a little weight or didn't wear your makeup. You're still okay. I like that feeling.

1 195Austin Jan 2013 · Answer 21 · 2013-01-16T08:24:11.000-0500

Jessie I am so glad that your aunt made sure you got that message. It took years and bing on AC for me to realize that the problems with my mother were not my fault-and when I realized that it was very freeing for me I was able to take my power back. The last trip my family took I roomed with my mother
and she was not able to hurt me when she spoke with venon in her words I was able to tell myself she is not hurting me and let her words just pass away-she continued to say whatever she wanted to but the words just flew away instead of being absorbed. When she knew she was dieing she was so focesed on giving her tools away to my brothers but did not say anything about us her children or the grandchildren or what kind of a person she had become.

G golden23 Jan 2013 · Answer 22 · 2013-01-15T23:57:08.000-0500

I am here - thanks for asking Margeaux. I am still processing the death of my friend, and the surgery of my other friend, As well, I ordered a book on healing of daughters of narcissistic mothers, and have been looking at it, and finding things I need to do - so it is a time of reflection I guess.

((((((((Jessie)))))) what an enormous gift. Absolutely, it is not you. I have a story in the same vein, I will share later - need to get to bed.

Hi to everyone - I have been reading and have some thoughts to share and will get them down here soon.

.♥, hugs and prayers to all - Joan

J JessieBelle Jan 2013 · Answer 23 · 2013-01-15T23:36:29.000-0500

Margeaux, what you wrote is so true. An abuser can't accept responsibility for their behavior, so is full of blame. If the child hadn't done this or that..., if they would only be different..., etc., then they wouldn't have to hurt them. If others were like me, they realized even as children that there was something rotten, but they were powerless to do anything about it. Other people seemed oblivious, perhaps because it didn't affect them or it was easier to look away. It feels so much better to know that someone did notice, that it wasn't us. I am glad that your brothers gave you and your sister some peace with what you had been through with your aunt.

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 24 · 2013-01-15T23:00:10.000-0500

Sharynmarie and Emjo,

Where are you two? I notice you haven't posted in a few days here, I miss both of you. Well, hope things are all right. Much Love, Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 25 · 2013-01-15T22:55:58.000-0500

JessieBelle,

This was a very special gift your aunt left you. How touching, and you see the truth is what is there.
We who have this kind of dysfunction can become very accustomed to the dysfunction and probably start to doubt ourselves. I know I have done this, while dealing with difficult relatives. Then I'm aware, that many times other family members are reluctant to realize or acknowledge Aunt Tilly's or Uncle Billy's manipulations, or bad tempers.
Something similar happened to us in our family almost exactly a year ago, when mom's narcissistic sister died. She made Bette Davis in "Baby Jane," look like an amatuer. But at her funeral, not my sister (who was involved more in her care), and got lot's of abuse of course, nor I got up at her wake to say anything about her. I would have been afraid of what might come out of my mouth.I was dreading that evening, because it was as if I was holding my breath, wondering what our brothers would say. They, who weren't at the other end of her abuse as much as my sister and me. But, that evening each of my brothers,
said something about her life, they also emphasized and acknowledged how outspoken, and difficult she was. I was surprised when they each gave a short but strong eulogy about our aunt. See, so the truth bears out!
I'm really happy that your aunt told your cousin to relay this message, how sweet of her. You should have this plaque made, it's a great quote. Much Love & there's Light! Margeaux

J JessieBelle Jan 2013 · Answer 26 · 2013-01-15T22:27:48.000-0500

Something good happened tonight and I just have to tell someone. I got the nicest gift from my aunt who died last week. It was only a gift of words, but it meant so much to me. I was talking to my cousin (her daughter) tonight. She told me her mother said to tell me if we talked to let me know that my mother had always been difficult even as a child. She said that she was always hard to get along with.

That meant the world to me. I told my cousin that I always wondered how much was my mother and how much was me. My cousin said, "No, it's not you."

The last few weeks have been very bad. It seems like nothing I've done is right. If I help her do something, then I'm trying to control things. If I don't help, she screams at me how I just don't care. I haven't even been able to sit and watch a TV show or have lunch without her starting something. Sometimes it is out of the clear blue, like she isn't surprised that my husband broke it off with me because of the way that I talked to him. She had heard the way that I talked to him, so she didn't blame him. I had no idea of what she was even talking about. Was there something? Was I really that faulty?

My cousin told me of the times my mother had snatched us up by the hair when we were little. I don't remember this. I do remember many other things. She has always lived a life of rage full of blame aimed at others. I guess you could say now I am the sole keeper of the blame, since I am the only one around.

I don't believe that all of this is happening without reason. It made me cry that my aunt reached back from her death to leave this gift message for me. It is like it washed a lot of the recent pain from my life. Maybe I should make a little plaque for myself that says, "It's not you" to remind me anytime I feel bad about the things going on. I don't plan on leaving, because I think there are things that still need to be done. I just have to figure out what those things are.

Pardon the book. It has been a hard week with doctors and out-of-town funerals. I just had to tell someone who would know how good the message from my aunt felt.

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 27 · 2013-01-15T12:15:32.000-0500

Joymoon,

If your daughter is as you've said drinking on the weekends, and taking advantage of her other grandmother, it sounds as if on an emotionally health scale, she isn't healthy.
In our family, my brother had a daughter very young-18 yrs. old. In a nutshell he & a neighbor (first girlfriend) became in pregnancy mode. They were married for a very short while, (our mom did the guilt on him), of course it didn't last.
The daughter from this union, then was coming between my mom's home, and her own mom's home, the custody arrangement. My brother, unfortunately didn't really participate at all w/the care/discipline of this girl, of course since our mother a controller took over, (was her first grandkid). All mom did was spoil her rotten. This girl started to get in trouble also, w/the drugs, etc. She went to jail, before she was 18. Then apparently she ended up there a few more times, even as recently as 4 yrs., ago. She's caused a lot of trouble in our family for sure. Now she's almost 40 yrs. old. But she's done so much damage in previous years, especially towards my sister and myself, so much so that we don't want anything to do w/her. It also has to do w/the fact, that she's made attempts to get at our mother, (who was too generous w/money) w/her. Mom has ALZ now.
This girl has never, ever come to us w/any apologies. She has this primadona and entitlement attitude. Anyway, last year she tried to come while mom's sister was just about to die, and get in good w/her at the last minute, surely to secure some kind of inheritance from this relative, who she never came to see as she aged, or became sick. On that visit, my sister basically told her she wasn't welcome to come there to mother's home anymore.
I'm aware as an aunt w/this kind of history how difficult this is towards family members. So I can't even imagine how this must be for you being their mother.
But, I really believe, if these daughters, sons, nieces do not come with a remorseful attitude, and one can see some demonstrated efforts on their parts to straighten out their own lives, there's little if any chance of someone like yourself to have a genuine and healthy relationship w/your daughter.

I have witnessed some of this going on in my own extended family also of grown children, who are acting out, never wanting to take responsibility for this, and they bring up old history, past hurts to their parents, etc. I know these young adults do this to inflict guilt, and really not accept their own responsibility about the poor choices they've made for themselves also. You might want to set very firm boundaries with your daughter. My very best to you. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

M Margeaux Jan 2013 · Answer 28 · 2013-01-15T12:09:50.000-0500

Joymoon,

If your daughter is as you've said drinking on the weekends, and taking advantage of her other grandmother, it sounds as if on an emotionally health scale, she isn't healthy.
In our family, my brother had a daughter very young-18 yrs. old. In a nutshell he & a neighbor (first girlfriend) became in pregnancy mode. They were married for a very short while, (our mom did the guilt on him), of course it didn't last.
The daughter from this union, then was coming between my mom's home, and her own mom's home, the custody arrangement. My brother, unfortunately didn't really participate at all w/the care/discipline of this girl, of course since our mother a controller took over, (was her first grandkid). All mom did was spoil her rotten. This girl started to get in trouble also, w/the drugs, etc. She went to jail, before she was 18. Then apparently she ended up there a few more times, even as recently as 4 yrs., ago. She's caused a lot of trouble in our family for sure. Now she's almost 40 yrs. old. But she's done so much damage in previous years, especially towards my sister and myself, so much so that we don't want anything to do w/her. It also has to do w/the fact, that she's made attempts to get at our mother, (who was too generous w/money) w/her. Mom has ALZ now.
This girl has never, ever come to us w/any apologies. She has this primadona and entitlement attitude. Anyway, last year she tried to come while mom's sister was just about to die, and get in good w/her at the last minute, surely to secure some kind of inheritance from this relative, who she never came to see as she aged, or became sick. On that visit, my sister basically told her she wasn't welcome to come there to mother's home anymore.
I'm aware as an aunt w/this kind of history how difficult this is towards family members. So I can't even imagine how this must be for you being their mother.
But, I really believe, if these daughters, sons, nieces do not come with a remorseful attitude, and one can see some demonstrated efforts on their parts to straighten out their own lives, there's little if any chance of someone like yourself to have a genuine and healthy relationship w/your daughter.

I have witnessed some of this going on in my own extended family also of grown children, who are acting out, never wanting to take responsibility for this, and they bring up old history, past hurts to their parents, etc. I know these young adults do this to inflict guilt, and really not accept their own responsibility about the poor choices they've made for themselves also. You might want to set very firm boundaries with your daughter. My very best to you. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

N notrydoyoda Jan 2013 · Answer 29 · 2013-01-14T14:45:10.000-0500

MyWitsEnd, thanks for answering my questions You MIL sounds like someone with an undiagnosed personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. I'm nor surprised to hear that her husband was passive. Your MIL in some ways is like mine and her late husband was an intelligent, nurturing, but passive-dependent person who never felt like he could stand up for his daughters when their mother would abuse them.

Before my mother landed in the nursing home, she liked to fire doctors when she did not like what she heard. It was so bad, that even the staff in the hospital had heard about it.

I agree that it does not sound like your MIL would sign a Durable POA. However, someone is going to need to get it before she is diagnosed incompetent and even then she might not which would force your husband or someone to file for guardianship.

I am very sorry to hear that she is so cold to children and a miser. My MIL is a miser as well, but not that bad. What gets me is she has tons of money but has done nothing for either of her daughters who are both on disability (SIL is an ovarian cancer survivor since 2001 and my wife has bipolar disorder), and she has helped extremely little toward the college education of her two grandchildren which are the only grandchildren she has. To give you an idea of how much money she has, she has the maximum insurable amount of money in 14 or so banks plus the money she has hidden at home. My dad has given a bit more toward their education, but he has even more money and they are his only grandchildren as well, plus I am his only child on disability as well with bipolar disorder also.

M MyWitsEnd Jan 2013 · Answer 30 · 2013-01-13T20:27:36.000-0500

Cmagnum- yes, she has always been this way. Openly does not like children. Has never attended a birthday party, graduation, or sent any cards or gifts. None of my children remember a single hug. That pales in comparison to what she has done to other grandchildren- too much to go into here. She is a cold, cruel woman. Her basic philosophy has always been to do whatever pleases her. If, say comfortinng a grandchild who had just lost their parents was called for, and it didn't interest her, she wouldn't do it (happened). So, what led her to us? My husband is only surviving sibling. FIL passed away in 12. He was a very passive person. They lived several states away. After he passed, she started saying how lonely she was and that she wasn't eating. My husband told her it would be easier if she moved near us. One day she called and announced she was living with us. It was a surprise as that had not been discussed. We should have definately said no. Does she have dementia? I would say mild, but she refuses to see a doctor. She has a long history of not trusting doctors and firing them if she doesn't like what she hears. My husband has medical POA, but not POA. I highly doubt she would sign it. She flat out refuses assisted living. She says she doesn't need it. Finances- not an issue at all. Other than she is a miser.

The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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