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Sharynmarie,

If I may suggest for you to look up a technique started by a man named Gary Craig, called EFT. This stands for the Emotional Freedom Technique.
I use this to clear my body of some of the emotional residue. It works for me.
Much Love, Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,
Thank you for asking about my family.
I'm doing much better from that fiasco over at sister's and mothers.
I have not been calling her much, because I got really bummed out to hear about the last dosage of all the back biting and refusal of everyone to be kind to one another. Besides, for me Christmas is not all that. I think people should act humane, everyday of the year, not just during some season.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not related to these people.

When I read the first sentence of the paragraph your manager, making the remark about "regrets," I realize that she is well intentioned, but sometimes, the selection of the words people choose gives away some of their projection about a situation I'm sure you wish to keep private, especially at work. You're doing a lot, and are managing it the best way you can. Regarding your sick leave, and insurance, this is quite understandable.
The manager for however well intentioned she was to say this to you, the part about making sure you not put your job over your mom's care, etc., I believe she's crossed a boundary here too.
Well, please try not to allow other people to push your buttons.
It took me a very long time to disengage from guilt about the fact that I wasn't doing yet another task, taking on a responsibility that really my parents should have been attending. But at some point, I came to realize that some of it was my own self imposed guilt, just because I was so brainwashed and accustomed to this.
Anyway, Sharynmarie, you do what you can. But even as one must be careful to take care of their physical health, I really feel it important to take care of the mental health aspect, and how we look at the caregiving situation also.
Try not to doubt yourself, you are valued by us!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
Peace to your friend. Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux
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Shary all you can do is what you are able to and not have regrats-my husband and I went to a therapist together and of course he had plenty of complaints about me and that I was not perfact like him and she said sometimes good enough is good enough. I was good to my mother and all she did was criticize me and not that she is gone I know in my heart that I did the best I could with how she treated me-and also with the husband-I did beyond the best I could -both of them were very difficult people to deal with.
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MyWitsEnd~You are very right that people who were not raised with dyfunctions such as abuse and addictions can't get their minds around it. I like Books suggestion of letting it be known that there are 3 of us covering her care. I just can't take a couple days off using sick leave, it has to be arranged thru the union and I have to be off more days than 2 to qualify for it. I think the whole thing just triggered old pain and sure, if my mother should fall and die while I am at work, I would most likely feel guilty and regret I was not there to prevent it, but it could also happen while I am there which means I still can't prevent it. I could spend more time with her to make memories, but my mom is not a loving person who (even without having Alz) would understand that concept. I can't hug her without her pushing me away so all in all, I am feeling better and know that I am doing all I can for her now. I am certainly treating her with all the dignity that one can bestow on a parent and that is more than she ever did any of us or my father. Well gotta go take her dog in for grooming and off to the cemetery to visit my dad for his 86th birthday today. Have a good day all and thanks for the feed back, it has helped me to see things better!! Hugs to all
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My witts end sometime it is not their choice to go to AL my husband would not to adult day care whicj at that time was only 5 dollars aday and the bus would have picked him up and I would have had a chunck of time to do things I needed to do and maybe get a nap because he kept me up a lot at night. Time passed and I had to plan to place him because he was too much for me and had abused me through the years he said again NO and in the family meeting at rehab I told him it no longer was his decision-of course mil will not want to make changes it works well for her-you have to do what works for you. A lawyer told my son that 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for-that was a wake up call for me.
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MyWitsEnd, best not to use sick leave and then go shopping, etc... If you get caught or seen by a coworker, you can get in trouble. If you take sick leave, best to stay home all day. Gets boring. I'd rather take my vacation leave, and still go out and do some ME stuff. My sis told me that a coworker applied for sick leave. She was caught and the company said that her leave will not be paid or was it that she had to pay it back?

Uhm...I didn't think your MIL would have wanted to move to assisted living. From the different threads I read here, they usually fight against it with teeth and nail. So many stories on this.
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Aargh. MIL has rejected the notion of assisted living. She says she doesn't need any help and does not want to make friends. If she does not need help, why is she with us??? She is like a black cloud hanging over our house.
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Sharynmarie- I think people who have not had dysfunction in their family cannot understand where you are coming from, really. Maybe, though, you can take something from Book's boss. Take a couple of sick days, but say you are going to work. Go get your nails done or watch a movie. Take a day for yourself. You need it.
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Oh and Book, it sounds like your boss has a heart just like mine!!!
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Book~I love you friend!!! I will definitely let it be known that there are 3 of us covering her care. I know she means well, and bless her heart for that!! I talked with husband about it and he said, "You have been there for both your parents all along when all they could see was your sister." This is true!. He said it pisses me off when you have done what you have for them, you have raised two great kids, worked, and been there to help your parents and all they did was praise your sister or give her more because of her bad choices in life. I am like you in that I am very sensitive. I will actually withdraw from people if I "feel" that I am bothering them or if I did something wrong that I don't understand. Wow, I guess I have a lot of unresolved anger toward my sister!! This is something I may need to see a therapist for at some point. Thank you Book, you have opened my eyes to some things I didn't see before!! Hugs to you!!
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Hi Sharyn, my 2 bosses are the complete opposite. They encourage me NOT to stay home when I take my vacation/leave. A few years ago, after I came back from "vacation", my boss had a talk with me. He said that I came back from leave worse than when I left for it. HE was the one who recommended that I PRETEND to still go to work on my vacations, and if the family calls, they will tell them that I'm on the road and that they can reach me on my cell phone. Works perfectly! I truly get relaxed from both home/work on my "vacation." Just recently, he wants to cover my ticket for anywhere that I want to go this year. I would love to go visit baby brother in Virginia Beach but...I'm still brainstorming on WHO can help with the parents while I'm gone????

Just tell your supervisor that there's 3 of you and that when the time comes when your mother really needs you, you will then take the necessary leave. She doesn't have to know the family dynamics. By saying that there's 3 of you, she will assume that all 3 of you (including bro) are working together on your mother's behalf.

I have a very sensitive conscience. No matter how badly father treats me, if and when he or my mom dies, I WILL feel guilty. Regrets??? Maybe a little - that I should have been more patient but....that will be thoughts After The Fact. My thinking is that I should not have as big of a Regret as my 7 siblings. I've done the most for the parents than any of them...because of my super sensitive conscience....
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Margeaux~I hope all is well with you and you are feeling better about your sister and all that took place on Christmas. Thank you for the chants, it is working!! Getting my mom to sign those documents has been an on going problem since last October. We still have not heard from APS.

I am feeling a little guilt tonight because my bakery/deli manager talked with me today about my mom. Her purpose was to tell me to be prepared ahead of time, such as calling the union regarding my sick leave which I not used any in the four years I have been employed with this company. She is urging me to make sure that I am not putting my job first over my mother's care because it is important to not have regrets. I don't want to tell her about my family dynamics and how if I took a leave using my sick leave or even the family medical leave act that being with my mother 24/7 would probably destroy my mental health. I need my income and my insurance. I am not on my husbands insurance. What if I need my sick leave for myself in the future? I totally understand where she is coming from, but because of the abuse in my childhood that was a result of my mother's personality disorder, how do I know if I will have regrets? What I regret right now is that I never had a loving relationship with my mother, no emotional support from her, she never has said "I love you", she has only told me I am a disappointment, selfish, and irresponsible. I guess with Stacey (the bakery/deli manager) talking with me, it has trigger all those "old feelings" again. Damn it, I really have no idea what I would regret if/when my mother passes away.Any advise from all of you would be appreciated. Hugs to everyone!!
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Hollis~I have read some of the posts by others on here and I must agree that if you feel this therapist was way off base, find another one. Find a therapist who specializes in helping the elderly and caregivers. There must be some out there. You are a loving daughter and I know your heart is in the right place. Hugs to you!!
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Joan~I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend.Take time for yourself not just for the loss but also for your health situation. Hugs to you!!
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Oh Emjo..... I'm so sorry about your friend.
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Joan, sorry to hear of the loss of your friend.
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sad tonight - a friend died. Hadn't seen her in a while, but we go back a long time and she was one of the funniest people I have ever known, and the most courageous.

I get back to posting again soon.
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thank you all for your comments...i am digesting them. It will take time. I asked my mum to get therapy for the last four to six years due to her increasing depression. It became so bad that we could no long communicate because she would twist what I said around to give approval to her negative internal dialogue. She has copd only 60 % lung, osteo, heart disease, high blood pressure, and (in my opinion) showing signs of dementia. She walks with a assistance of a walker. She refuses to go to any Activity Centers or church. There are no friends for either of us. My mother has not been diagnosed with dementia, but the doctor gives me the eyebrow when we go in. This is all the family. I have a brother, but he has never been any help, and hasn't spoken to mom for over three years now. Im sure this is major cause of her depression. There are no other members. It's just her and I. The finances & house are set up in both our names (AND/OR) to keep us both safe and we do have POAs and Healthcare Directives for each other. Again...thanks ...i'll pull out of my hole in a couple of days...But thank you for each response and hug. It is appreciated

I am so sorry for Jam's husband passing away (((hug))). May he watch over you now.
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Sharynmarie,
Congratulations that you could get your mom to sign the documents.
I know that this is more than an accomplishment.
O.K., w/keep you & yours in my chants, looks like it's helping.
Much Love, Margeaux
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Emjo,
Wow, that was a bold move on your part to send your mom that letter.
Well, I've been reading all the acting out she is doing right now, and shame, shame! But she'll never realize that.
She sounds just like our aunt. There was no reasoning w/her. She wiped especially my sister and me out w/her countless demands.
I hope you get better from your infection soon. You're in my thoughts! Margeaux
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Hollis,
Oh, I hope I didn't stick my foot in my mouth, re: when I said it's easy for the therapist to state the obvious, I meant, that I guess if we didn't feel dysfunctional, why would we go seek their help. I'm sorry if it sounded like something else.
Much Love, Margeaux
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Hi Hollis,
First and foremost of all, since you've stated that your assets are intermingled with your mother's, it may be beneficial for you to seek getting this sorted out and separated.
In our family, my mom has ALZ, is 91, now. My aunt,(mother's sister) a very difficult narcissist lived in mom's home for quite sometime until her death last year. Our narcissist aunt didn't have kids. So mom's kids, (of which I'm eldest)
unfortunately inherited the care of our aunt, by default!! HAAH! Well, I can say that now. But let me tell you, just about the fact their assets were combined, because it has of course to do with family inheritance, (what mom w/leave us, 4 siblings) it was all tied up to our aunt. That made life oh so difficult, on a variety of levels for all of us, even the care of these two elderly women. It even impacted the decision about whether we had the right to place my aunt in a nursing home, at the end of her life. We had no right to do this. Another component was the fact that mother & her sister were joined at the hip, my aunt being the older of the two. Mom in no way shape or form wanted to be separated from the sister, and vice versa. In essence, my sister, brothers, and myself have had little say in this regard. I'm from a culture, that does their utmost to keep the elders in the home.
So, even if you're going to a therapist, (possibly by what you've describe-the not having enough facts), therapist making their statements, there are lot's of grey areas also. This intermingling of the assets, prevented the POA's in the family to make necessary and better decisions when it came to our aunt. Anyway, I urge you to like they say, "get your ducks in a row,' So even in the future when you are faced w/the dilemmas that surface w/caregiving you have things crystal clear in writing, and separate.
Isn't it interesting too, it's very easy for a therapist to state the obvious, "you're dysfunctional." But for that statement to be followed by,"you r mom HAS to move into AL, alone, that sounds like an ultimatum, and I do mean her choice of words.
You have every right to feel angry about that statement. Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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Cmagnum,
You're welcome about asking for you and your wife.
Yes, I want to know how my friends are hopefully progressing with their individual situations. Many times, I've noticed posters who only come here to vent their own stuff and never ask how anyone else is doing. I think this is how we really connect with one another, and GIVE and receive support. I place a very high value on that,.

Have you heard that when one chooses to work out at night, that one's adrenalin get pumped up. This is the reason it is advised to abstain from doing so, could cause people to feel not like sleeping. Could you possibly schedule your work outs at an earlier time of the day? I don't know, could help. I think too, if you've feel as if you have been overdoing it, getting things done we become frazzled. This I know for myself, makes me feel very wired up, and can cause problems with sleep.
But it is great you are working out! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Alabama,

This has got to be more than rough, not only dealing with the various health problems your mom may have. Also having to be up against such a difficult sibling. O.K., you're in my thoughts and I certainly hope the court rules on you behalf!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi TryingMyBest, Welcome to AC! Hollis, from what I've read over and over here on AC, and TMB(TryingMyBest - shortcutted your name for now because I'm on limited time in the mornings) hit it on the nail, it's most important to find the Right Therapist. If the current one is not working for you, then find another one. I've been told several times, that it sometimes takes several tries before you find the "right one." So far, I had 2 sessions with the 1st one - and it is Pure Struggle in our sessions. I already know he is not the right one. My doctor told me that when I find one who can fit me into their schedule, grab him/her. But, obviously, he may not have needed therapy because if you're not comfortable to "Open up" then you will get nowhere in therapy - like I was. Thanks TryingMyBest for reminding us about that.
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Hi Hollis,
I was raised to believe that I had two choices if someone I love needed help. Either I helped them no matter what, even if my own well being was put at risk or I didn't which meant I was a horrible worthless person. I did not want to be a horrible worthless person so I became a martyr and was miserable. Things got really bad and thank goodness I ended up going to a fabulous therapist who told me there were other choices out there and that I was, at my core, a good and loving person. Her message was not that I "made my choices" rather that I needed to make more healthy choices in the future. She changed my life. Now years later I am able to make choices with my own well being in mind. I am better able to help people because I want to not to prove that I am not bad and worthless.
I'm coming on a time when I will be called to help my elderly parents out a great deal. I will need to make tough decisions and set good boundaries. I'm bound to make mistakes and I know there will be days when I feel backed into a corner. I am brand new here but I can already tell that there is great wisdom, advice and support to be had. Take care.
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Emjo I think we are better people today for what we had to do just to survive our childhoods-and both of us have learned to detatch from those who do not have the right to treat us badly. Aformer sil asked to be my friend on facebook-I did not like her when she was married to my brother so why in heaven would I want to be friens now. I have also unfriended two people on facebook for posting dribble-boy did that feel good.
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ladee - thank you for letting us know about jam's husband -what a tragedy

(((((((alabama))))))))))) I too am glad I am not like my sib or my mum. I agree with the "horrible", and that at times it has felt hopeless. But it isn't. I understand the disgusted and angry, and being tired of the pain. That is why I am further distancing myself. I need less of it. I have very little contact with my sib now. I confine myself to sending the odd e-card - Christmas, birthday. I refused her friend request in facebook - too many opportunities for games.
Big (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))). Just do what you can to protect yourself.
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(((((hugs))))) to all. It is a horrible reality when you become aware that some of your family does not care about you. But stop and remember it is about them if you can. My evil sib is a narcissist who has no empathy. I am thankful that I can feel the pain I feel It is horrible and I too have felt suicidal at times, but I refuse to grant them that end. I am just glad I am me, but there are times I am so disgusted and so angry with it all. I am so tired of the pain.
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