
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
If I may suggest for you to look up a technique started by a man named Gary Craig, called EFT. This stands for the Emotional Freedom Technique.
I use this to clear my body of some of the emotional residue. It works for me.
Much Love, Margeaux
Thank you for asking about my family.
I'm doing much better from that fiasco over at sister's and mothers.
I have not been calling her much, because I got really bummed out to hear about the last dosage of all the back biting and refusal of everyone to be kind to one another. Besides, for me Christmas is not all that. I think people should act humane, everyday of the year, not just during some season.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not related to these people.
When I read the first sentence of the paragraph your manager, making the remark about "regrets," I realize that she is well intentioned, but sometimes, the selection of the words people choose gives away some of their projection about a situation I'm sure you wish to keep private, especially at work. You're doing a lot, and are managing it the best way you can. Regarding your sick leave, and insurance, this is quite understandable.
The manager for however well intentioned she was to say this to you, the part about making sure you not put your job over your mom's care, etc., I believe she's crossed a boundary here too.
Well, please try not to allow other people to push your buttons.
It took me a very long time to disengage from guilt about the fact that I wasn't doing yet another task, taking on a responsibility that really my parents should have been attending. But at some point, I came to realize that some of it was my own self imposed guilt, just because I was so brainwashed and accustomed to this.
Anyway, Sharynmarie, you do what you can. But even as one must be careful to take care of their physical health, I really feel it important to take care of the mental health aspect, and how we look at the caregiving situation also.
Try not to doubt yourself, you are valued by us!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
Peace to your friend. Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux
Uhm...I didn't think your MIL would have wanted to move to assisted living. From the different threads I read here, they usually fight against it with teeth and nail. So many stories on this.
Just tell your supervisor that there's 3 of you and that when the time comes when your mother really needs you, you will then take the necessary leave. She doesn't have to know the family dynamics. By saying that there's 3 of you, she will assume that all 3 of you (including bro) are working together on your mother's behalf.
I have a very sensitive conscience. No matter how badly father treats me, if and when he or my mom dies, I WILL feel guilty. Regrets??? Maybe a little - that I should have been more patient but....that will be thoughts After The Fact. My thinking is that I should not have as big of a Regret as my 7 siblings. I've done the most for the parents than any of them...because of my super sensitive conscience....
I am feeling a little guilt tonight because my bakery/deli manager talked with me today about my mom. Her purpose was to tell me to be prepared ahead of time, such as calling the union regarding my sick leave which I not used any in the four years I have been employed with this company. She is urging me to make sure that I am not putting my job first over my mother's care because it is important to not have regrets. I don't want to tell her about my family dynamics and how if I took a leave using my sick leave or even the family medical leave act that being with my mother 24/7 would probably destroy my mental health. I need my income and my insurance. I am not on my husbands insurance. What if I need my sick leave for myself in the future? I totally understand where she is coming from, but because of the abuse in my childhood that was a result of my mother's personality disorder, how do I know if I will have regrets? What I regret right now is that I never had a loving relationship with my mother, no emotional support from her, she never has said "I love you", she has only told me I am a disappointment, selfish, and irresponsible. I guess with Stacey (the bakery/deli manager) talking with me, it has trigger all those "old feelings" again. Damn it, I really have no idea what I would regret if/when my mother passes away.Any advise from all of you would be appreciated. Hugs to everyone!!
I get back to posting again soon.
I am so sorry for Jam's husband passing away (((hug))). May he watch over you now.
Congratulations that you could get your mom to sign the documents.
I know that this is more than an accomplishment.
O.K., w/keep you & yours in my chants, looks like it's helping.
Much Love, Margeaux
Wow, that was a bold move on your part to send your mom that letter.
Well, I've been reading all the acting out she is doing right now, and shame, shame! But she'll never realize that.
She sounds just like our aunt. There was no reasoning w/her. She wiped especially my sister and me out w/her countless demands.
I hope you get better from your infection soon. You're in my thoughts! Margeaux
Oh, I hope I didn't stick my foot in my mouth, re: when I said it's easy for the therapist to state the obvious, I meant, that I guess if we didn't feel dysfunctional, why would we go seek their help. I'm sorry if it sounded like something else.
Much Love, Margeaux
First and foremost of all, since you've stated that your assets are intermingled with your mother's, it may be beneficial for you to seek getting this sorted out and separated.
In our family, my mom has ALZ, is 91, now. My aunt,(mother's sister) a very difficult narcissist lived in mom's home for quite sometime until her death last year. Our narcissist aunt didn't have kids. So mom's kids, (of which I'm eldest)
unfortunately inherited the care of our aunt, by default!! HAAH! Well, I can say that now. But let me tell you, just about the fact their assets were combined, because it has of course to do with family inheritance, (what mom w/leave us, 4 siblings) it was all tied up to our aunt. That made life oh so difficult, on a variety of levels for all of us, even the care of these two elderly women. It even impacted the decision about whether we had the right to place my aunt in a nursing home, at the end of her life. We had no right to do this. Another component was the fact that mother & her sister were joined at the hip, my aunt being the older of the two. Mom in no way shape or form wanted to be separated from the sister, and vice versa. In essence, my sister, brothers, and myself have had little say in this regard. I'm from a culture, that does their utmost to keep the elders in the home.
So, even if you're going to a therapist, (possibly by what you've describe-the not having enough facts), therapist making their statements, there are lot's of grey areas also. This intermingling of the assets, prevented the POA's in the family to make necessary and better decisions when it came to our aunt. Anyway, I urge you to like they say, "get your ducks in a row,' So even in the future when you are faced w/the dilemmas that surface w/caregiving you have things crystal clear in writing, and separate.
Isn't it interesting too, it's very easy for a therapist to state the obvious, "you're dysfunctional." But for that statement to be followed by,"you r mom HAS to move into AL, alone, that sounds like an ultimatum, and I do mean her choice of words.
You have every right to feel angry about that statement. Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
You're welcome about asking for you and your wife.
Yes, I want to know how my friends are hopefully progressing with their individual situations. Many times, I've noticed posters who only come here to vent their own stuff and never ask how anyone else is doing. I think this is how we really connect with one another, and GIVE and receive support. I place a very high value on that,.
Have you heard that when one chooses to work out at night, that one's adrenalin get pumped up. This is the reason it is advised to abstain from doing so, could cause people to feel not like sleeping. Could you possibly schedule your work outs at an earlier time of the day? I don't know, could help. I think too, if you've feel as if you have been overdoing it, getting things done we become frazzled. This I know for myself, makes me feel very wired up, and can cause problems with sleep.
But it is great you are working out! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This has got to be more than rough, not only dealing with the various health problems your mom may have. Also having to be up against such a difficult sibling. O.K., you're in my thoughts and I certainly hope the court rules on you behalf!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I was raised to believe that I had two choices if someone I love needed help. Either I helped them no matter what, even if my own well being was put at risk or I didn't which meant I was a horrible worthless person. I did not want to be a horrible worthless person so I became a martyr and was miserable. Things got really bad and thank goodness I ended up going to a fabulous therapist who told me there were other choices out there and that I was, at my core, a good and loving person. Her message was not that I "made my choices" rather that I needed to make more healthy choices in the future. She changed my life. Now years later I am able to make choices with my own well being in mind. I am better able to help people because I want to not to prove that I am not bad and worthless.
I'm coming on a time when I will be called to help my elderly parents out a great deal. I will need to make tough decisions and set good boundaries. I'm bound to make mistakes and I know there will be days when I feel backed into a corner. I am brand new here but I can already tell that there is great wisdom, advice and support to be had. Take care.
(((((((alabama))))))))))) I too am glad I am not like my sib or my mum. I agree with the "horrible", and that at times it has felt hopeless. But it isn't. I understand the disgusted and angry, and being tired of the pain. That is why I am further distancing myself. I need less of it. I have very little contact with my sib now. I confine myself to sending the odd e-card - Christmas, birthday. I refused her friend request in facebook - too many opportunities for games.
Big (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))). Just do what you can to protect yourself.