
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I found this site about 2 days prior to my decision to kill myself. So, I came on AC and posted for help. I was given similar advice that you have - advice that I rejected, and did not want to accept. But, a few hours of thinking about it, I accepted it. Because Hollis - my siblings Do Have a Right to Live their Own Lives. They do Not Have to care for our parents in their old age. It's our parents responsibility to prepare for their old age..just as you and I need to also think of Our Future....//... I struggled when I was told that each of us Chose to Do This Caregiving. At first I denied it. But when I really thought about it, I did chose to do this from religious obligations. I could have turned my back on God and say NO I will not honor my parents. So, yes, I chose to this - although unwillingly.....
My therapist did not tell me to leave my parents - obviously because they're both bedridden. But he did ask if there's a possibility for each of my 7 siblings to help by taking one day each for caregiving. For those living in the states, they can Hire Someone on Their Behalf. Wow, I liked his ideas but ..getting the sibs to agree are totally unrealistic in that sense.
Hollis, I was like you and fought against most of the advice given to me. Once I accepted it (the ones I agreed to), I no longer was so angry and resentful towards my siblings. But, I will tell you this that when I told my sister this, she was so angry. She said that she will be angry on my behalf towards our unhelpful siblings.
Wow, that was 7 months ago...
It sounds to me like are very frustrated and angry. I don't know enough about your situation regarding your relationship with your mother to say yes or no to the codependency. If you are codependent, it's not incurable, you can do something about it if it is true. this next sentence I copied from a website about codependency: Codependents are people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives. These are just some of the ways Codependency effects human lives.
Sometimes we make choices to do things for others that we do not really want to do but we think we have to do it because no one else will. I agree that you made these choices. The hoarding relative is a situation that is done and I would let that go. What specifically causes all the arguments with you and your mother? Is this something new or has it been there all along. I had a therapist tell me once that I talked about my children as though they were a burden!! I felt the same way you do right now. After I calmed down, I realized that the anger I had towards my husband for not helping or being emotionally available to me, that I truly was seeing my children as a burden. I didn't like hearing it but it was something I could change and I did.
I agree with Joan that you need to sort out the house and finances and you need to put your life first. Has a dr. advised that your mother should not be living alone? Why do you think she can't live alone? I ask because I do not know what her health situation is other than lung disease that you have listed on your profile.
Assisted living is wonderful and there are many great facilities. We have a couple in my town. They provide transportation to shopping, appts., to and from church, activities and independence while providing support. You can visit any time, advocate for her, stay as long as you want, take her shopping or out to lunch but you have separate living arrangements and you can get together with friends, take a part-time job. It is a win win situation. Living in your bedroom certainly isn't healthy.
Take some time to digest the information the therapist gave to you before you do anything, but I definitely would start putting your life first, health, social,etc. It's ok to let go, you are a loving daughter and have done so much already. Hugs to you and come back, let us know how You are doing.
If you agree you are codependent, you are not alone and have something to work on. It is very easy to get enmeshed with someone you are caregiving. You sound like you are just about at the end of your tether. You have done a whole lot of caregiving, and it is a very hard job. Do you get any breaks?
Now you may not like what I am going to write, but this is the truth as I see it. If you just came here to vent, skip to the last line.
If you are not responsible for your life - who is? For better or for worse, you have made choices. I have been in the situation where I felt I had no choices, but later, looking back, saw that I did, but I didn't want to take them.
I can comment on a few things you have written here. I agree with the therapist that is/was your choice to do the things you have done. We all have choices. Some of then are tough ones to make and carry consequences, but we all have choices. That your mother might be best in assisted living could be the case. Some seniors are better off in assisted living. Again without knowing more it is hard to say. Facilities offer professional care, socialization etc. Since your mum is 84 it seems to me it would be wise to separate your finances. She will likely die before you, and you could have a mess to sort out with the house, and the finances.
I believe our basic responsibility is to ourselves first. That does not mean we have no responsibility for others, but it is important to have proper boundaries.
I am surprised that your therapist would recommend that you get up and walk away. Did she really do that? If a facility would be a better place for your mum, as a loving daughter you could look around for, and assist the process of getting her into one, and visit her while she is in there. If you are gathering resentment, lines and pounds it sounds to me like you need to look after yourself better, and put yourself first sometimes. No use throwing yourself under the bus.
My heart goes out to you for the years of caregiving you have given. Is it coming time to you to focus on yourself more? That can be difficult, but it is very important,
In any case big cyber ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you Joan
We all have things in our past and present that we dont want to deal with, but we do because we must. My responsibility is to not just myself, but to my family. I might not like it, but it doesnt make me codependent. It makes me real. It makes me stronger for having the b^lls to do what others cant or wont. It make me angry cause I do the right thing. I dont get angel wings, I dont get a plaque, i dont get a salary....I get more resentment, more lines in my face and another 5 pounds heavier due to stress!!! And to top it off, I pay this crappy Therapist. Tell me im wrong please...tell me the truth.
cmag - Not surprised many BPD are in mental hospital or jail.You have lots of personal experience with these disorders.
sharyn - sounds familiar. Mother does seem to enjoy short visits with her grands and great grands, but does not have much if a relationship with them
I received an apology from mother, but it was mainly about her, her home care issues, her health issues, etc as excuses, so nothing has changed, nor do I expect it to. My next move will be to drop POA., There is no way, as long as she is conscious, she would allow me to look after anything without gettng abusive about it. I can't allow that anymore as it is too hard on me.
Hope everyone has a good day.
Prayers, love and hugs to all and to all a good night.
Thank you again . Hope things are more reasonable with you and your dad. (((((((hugs))))) Joan
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. Of course, I know the answer to the question. For my narcissistic mother I will never be good enough, do enough, and so on. But one review mentioned that the book leads you through a healing process and to the point where you may want to cut contact. That is the part I am interested in. IU inow I am getting closer alklk the time. It is not out of anger, but self preservation - love of self, which has to balance love of others. Hope you have a great day. (((((((((hugs))))))) back to you!
Riz~You are not responsible for rehabilitating your brother. Is this the brother that you tried to help once before by letting him live with you and your husband? Please don't feel guilty about not helping. He has choices to make for his life and only he can make the right choice. You and your husband deserve your time together now.
Margeaux~For the life of me I can't understand people who will not acknowledge people when they come in their home. My husband has some family members like that too. I can't help but feel it is because there is strong control issues in his family. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from their dysfunction.
Joan~Sorry you are not feeling well on top of all that is going with your mother. The rubber room has space available if you need it, Lol!! You have such a healthy attitude and you have distanced yourself quite well from your mother, but it is still difficult to deal with the behaviors of a narcissist even from a distance. If my mother had not developed dementia, my relationship with her would be very distant and limited. Your health is important so continue to focus on that and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Hugs to everyone!!
I have greater resolve with this as it became obvious to me last night that the safe meds I am on are not working anymore - that was the reason I have been so fatigued, had cramps and was sweaty at night. The bug must have mutated. I got up and took one of the pills I was on before, and within hours I started to feel better. Praise God! I have energy again. Woot woot!. I am not happy about the safe meds not being effective anymore, as the one I am back on can be hard on the liver. I have emailed the specialist and asked where do go from here. Prayers would be appreciated for a once, and for all answer to this infection. I do believe getting out from under the stress of mother is part of the answer. When I was reading the emails my first thought was "This makes me sick to my stomach" I guess it does, and I have to protect myself. Thanks for the support. ♥ hugsd and prayers. Joan
sharyn sounds like you have a good plan. Praise God for answered prayers. I so believe in prayer and see results in my life. Things are coming together for this stage for you anyway. I do hope the antidepressant helps. Guess we have to keep praying that she signs all the forms you need her to. Glad you had a good day with your hubby.
margeaux -glad you had a quiet new years - me too and glad you are staying detached.Sounds like those young peopke have no social skills at all, and that will hurt them in life, You are right one size does not fit all women, and sometimes all we want is someone to listen to us, and be supportive. I do think there are a lot of narcissists in your family. My dd can display those type if manners -or lack of too.
book - educating yourself helps so much, I find. We are all learning all the time, and from one another - we all need ME time
austin you are so right -you can't change others, only yourself
Riz - hi -absolutely no way can you be your bro's caregiver. You are NOT mean, just realistic and protective of yourself and your family. Don't let guilt creep in here. You are not running a rehab center and you are not responsible for him. I hope he can get the help he needs- as you say -far away. Stay strong!
alabama - so sorry to hear your mum broke her shoulder, but good that she was in court. It must have been horrible sitting in court, and listening to your sis. Your mum must be considered to be competent. Let us know what finally comes down from the clerk.
Well I wrote a letter to mother stating my concerns and limits if I am to stay as POA, but didn't send it. She is off in another tangent, so I will wait till she demands my involvement there she has already started hinting at it - and, use the last time as an example. Her doctor retired at age 80 - good thing I think, and she will see her new doc tomorrow. I expect she will not get on as well with the new one, but we will see.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend. My new year's resolution is to improve some aspect of my life in 2013 - to have a better year. Dealing better with mother is one of the top items.
♥, hugs and prayers Joan
Today has been a kick back day for hubby and me. He went to Costco to stock up on some staple items and I went to the grocery store to get lasagna pasta and cheese. I made a big pot of Minestrone soup the other day and a big pot of marinara sauce. I over did the veggies for both pots and today added more beef broth to the soup and made up 6 containers to freeze for mom the rest I froze of us. We had spaghetti last night so today with the left over sauce, I am making lasagna and will take that over with the soup to moms later. To answer your question Margeaux, I am doing well considering all that has been going on. I does tear me up emotionally when I think how my mom is all twisted up with so much anxiety and fear. It reminds of when I was so depressed in my 30's and would get so paralyzed with anxiety that I couldn't function. When you add Alz and a personality disorder to the mix it must be horrible for mom. I am feeling good about the situation at this point. Sis told me last night she was literally exhausted for being so patient with mom yesterday. She doesn't have the patience I do with mom so it is a real struggle for her. Sis did say that it was a good afternoon with mom and she was able to joke with her a little. I am so glad sis and I can work together even tho sis can frustrate me with her strict rule following (like mom) with no grey areas to the rules. Next Wednesday is the appt. for mom's dog to get groomed and it is my dad's 86th birthday. After taking the dog to the groomers, we will stop at the cemetery to visit dad. Mom hasn't been out there in quite a while. Enjoy the weekend everyone and hugs to all!!