The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hang in there Girlsaylor!

I’m short on time, sorry cannot post to each person here. Sending warm thoughts, and hugs all around.

Got some groceries today, picked up one of our prescriptions, gathering the vitamins, laxative products, in case of pain meds constipation post-op, though I can’t imagine that happening, with my gut and liver problems. Better to have things on hand. Adding to my list as I figure out what may be needed. Will get some products for bladder leaks, stuff like that, to have on hand, just in case, knowing it’s slow going post-op to get to the bathroom using a walker. Borrowing some things from a good friend, ice machine, walker with seat and basket. So many details, lol.

I’m going to try to find someone to hire to scoop litter box daily, as spouse won’t do it for me. I’ll be horribly embarrassed to have somebody coming in to do what my spouse is perfectly able to do, but it is what it is.

Off to finish up our very late dinner. I can’t seem to do it all. Going to get worse.

Gershun, I really hope things are working out for your brother and you get some help with your anxiety and vertigo. You have had a rough few months.

Golden I have been thinking of you. Hugs!!

Duck, I hope that you get some resolution to your health problems.

Gershun, I hope the doctor can get you relief for the vertigo. My mom had it on and off for years. She had trouble finding a medication that didn’t give her unpleasant side effects.

Just cant seem to make it short and sweet.


Rays of love, healing and light to us all.

My mother was 'decked out' , they dropped her back in that living room didst even open the window or turn on the fan. Today she is still in her black and white. The out show of pristine care is sicking to me especially the farce then going up stairs with no further intervention.

So I await APS which will take time. Got apts for my thyroid sonogram and biopsy. also breast sonogram which was so very very painful last time. So I will be very busy soon. I will followup on the surgery make some calls if I dont here from either specialist soon.

Then my aunt says Sham's kid keep calling her saying they are hungry. The phones are off except for the homephone. I was sending him the nmenterpise messages and seemed to like.Last we spoke he was having a hard time. Missing his wife. I guess its overwhelming the five kids. He is buying them sneakers and I think he needs help with managing family all the way around. Sham did all that. Thank goodness there are close friends and sham's father there to pitch in and help all lthe time especially my aunt whom sham had just gotten back to speaking to and got the two of us back on point also. I am glad. She says he called her saying wtf she mean about him smoking weed..so she calmly told him what she meant after telling him how to speak on her phone, lol that is going to be an ongoing thing. I am so amazed to see how her spirit has changed toward him and the children. She was very much like my twisted. Anyway I see so many changes in myself as well and I am so happy grace is allowing me to see my wrongs and make changes and survive the trials and tribulations.

Rest easy, sleep tight.



Our block party is this Saturday. I am really not up to inviting anyone which means cleaning. I may put a few burgers and franks and cook dinner on grill.

Groin pain may very well be sciatica, It got worse when I l decided to rotate my mattress that was self sabotage.

Golden, Margaeaux , thinking of you both ((((HUGS))).

Golden, its wonderful you can be there for your daughter. My heart is with you through this anniversary, the kittens sound like fun. As well as having a house full and setting rules and seeing it work.

stacey, glad you got an ooption that works better for the cast.

I hope everyone is in good health and spirit.

I dare not to go to far with trying to address everyone via memory even if its on same page.

I am feeling tired lately.

Its so hard for me to put a long story into a short one expecially while I am in the mist of it. I am a detailed person and sometimes i have to examine a lot of trees before I see a forest. Lol.

So I didnt build up to events that are happening. Well my N sent me this text about boric acid all over the floor this week the incident was the week before. At the same time I noticed this powder all over floor, I also noticed that for two weeks my sister had been bathing my mother in tub, obviously leaving her unattended as the floor rugs would be soadked and Id find dried tissue all over tub or... she was leaving a mess for me as she decided to address a concern that was noted by APS.

The text from nephew sent me into a spasm which was basically that he was worrying about the safety of a a powder while he ignored the buckling bathroom floor and the deteirorating beam with the imminent collapse of the bathroom into basement for months and only addressed it when an authrity (APS) got involved.

I know it can be tedious reading if they are read, my long repetitive posts and I apologize for the tedium but it helps me so much sometimes after I do all that typing I see it in a different perspective.

I am so grateful to be in the place I am - in spirit. I am learning to cast my burdens unto God. I am into these NM enterpise utube posts which sometimes go into things not related per say but the teaching is priceless. the perspective and the learning is awesome.

I read a post about all the testing. HIV is serious. When I worked in the ER there were a lot of elderly women coming up postive from the interactions of the old men with young girls..... Then there came viagra which put a lot of older persons back in the sex arena. Its scary out there for sure. All I know for sure is what I am doing and usually it has not been the case with a few past significant others. Such is the case with the one whom I have a 17year hx lot of blame and emotional abuse when he was the one out there. He showed me his meds about a year ok one of them set off an alarm it could be for herpes or to slowdown HIV whatever its for that part had and will continue to be closed down.

I meet someone. Then here I go again. So much headache. I have so many trust issues but Greatful at the same time.

Meanwhile after breaking this no contact with my nephew I had to text him again about his cat. she has been sickly for many years. howling in pain sometimes not heat. She has thrown up all over steps and hallways. The nephews and my sister just walk past. So I had bought that back up because the dirty halls do bother me but it would be worse in my head to keep being the only one to clean them so my sanity wins.

Anyways the cat has taken to sleeping right in front of my door. I asked him to please come and do something with her. She looks like the cat from pet semetary. She had since enough get away off my sisters floor. I told her saddly that she had to move from my door and I got her to move. She went to parlor floor and I just bring her water when I leave and when I come in. she stays in same spot. I pray the nephew gets her before she dies in hall. I told him that he and his mom did my mother like the cat. Dont pay her no mind dont see the sickness.

Twisted dress my mother up to go to doctor apointment. My goodness! she looked lovely. New wig. White sweater back and white top, black pants new black shoes. This I saw on friday, I slept later than ususall found my mother

Golden, thinking of you today. ((((Hugs))))

Katie, I've been a gray rock for years. If you decide to gray rock just check your pulse every now and then to make sure you are still breathing. Just Saying.

Update on my brother in hospital: Received an e-mail from other brother who has taken this on. There are three possible long term care facilities that they have in mind for my brother. He has been told this and seems okay with this according to other brother. He has his finances in order. He no longer qualifies for disability benefits since he turned 65 in June but will be okay with OAP and GIS to cover his stay. I'm crossing my fingers. He is on a pureed diet and is doing fine with that so far.

I've been having vertigo problems for the last two weeks and am seeing my doctor on Tuesday. Hopefully will get something to help with that. I'm also hoping he can suggest something that can help with my anxiety that doesn't cause dependency. Will see.

Hugs, Golden. Thinking of you especially today.

Hiya Golden, thinking of you as you close up your Mom's estate and all of the difficult memories that brings. I hope you spend the day tomorrow remembering all the wonderful things about your Son, and all the Joy that he brought to your life.

My wrist is feeling better, thank you for asking! I did have the cast removed only 48 hour after it was originally put on, and of course I felt like such an idiot for not being able to "handle it", but I do have a very supportive brace that I am wearing like a champion, and I cannot explain why this is working out so much better for me, but it is. At least I know that I am in control and I can adjust it throughout the day to make it comfortable for me, and I can take it off for a few minutes a day to let my arm breathe and to address the little rash irritation that came on the week before the cast went on, back when I was in the soft cast as I think I was allergic to the Ace Bandage. Ugg, it feels so much better now and no more panic attacks!

Golden, know that we all support you. So difficult to lose a child and few of us will ever know how that must feel. Thinking of you. HUGS.

Well I am going to try again. I wrote up a post a few days ago and forgot to click the green thing.

sharyn - glad to see you posting and sorry about your bros health issues. You must be busy with your new responsibilities at work.

glad - wont it be a relief when the estate business is finished!!! So glad your landscaping is happening.

duck - it could be sciatica..

trying - so glad your parents are in a facility. What a long trek it has been

sissi - be sure to take care of yourself. Do some things that lift you up!

tg - I am glad you are sending your dad away so you and your wife get a break. His overspending is not your problem nor ish is ingratitude. He is not going to suddenly appreciate what you do for him. Lowering your expectations might help you.

Cindyn - I am sure it is scary. There are nursing homes that take medicaid.

cmag - right on

shell (((((hugs))))

stacey - how's your wrist?

nymima - we totally understand where you are coming from. You have many big challenges. Please put yourself first finally and take care of your health.

barb - so agree about tg's dad

We got the second kitty - Rocky - and he is a different guy altogether - not wanting to be handled. We, and especially dd, are bringing him around to at least interacting with us with a toy. He was the most independent one of the litter. Pumpkin is a cuddly goof and getting more and more interested in the outside. He does wear a harness well so we should be able to walk him on a leash a bit. All my cats have been outdoors cats and these will be eventually.

It is working reasonably well with the three of us here. I retreat to my basement bedroom when I need solitude. The TV rule is that it is off till 1 in the afternoon so I can have a quiet morning. I get up earlier than the others so I appreciate that time. I have had to tune in my grandson a couple of times with dd's support. Mostly he is doing well. Dd needs to talk about her situation a fair amount, so I listen and give some feedback. Thus I haven't much energy for interaction online or with anyone else.

Tomorrow I go to the bank to close out mother's account - one more step towards completion. It feels significant. Soon all that will be left will be a few material things and memories.

Tomorrow is 17 years since my youngest son died. Lots of memories there too.

Take care of you, all. You never know what tomorrow will bring,

I'm not sure, TG, why you think this has anything to do with "your issues".

Your father has clear cognitive decline and needs supervision. You need to go back to being a loving son, not a maid.

Get him on Medicaid and get him into AL.

Been caring for Mom for almost 8 yrs now. Before her, my dad with Parkinson’s and my sister who had a brain tumor. (But they appreciated everything I did for them). I have been diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and an auto-immune disease called hemolytic anemia where my body is attacking my red blood cells. If anyone is in the fence about whether to care for a loved one in their home or even if the loved one is still living in their own home - please do ALL the research you can because this is the hardest job on the planet. The neediness of my mother is never ending and nothing is appreciated. She just thinks I’m her indentured servant.

You have a life too and I am urging you to consider this when making a decision about caring for a loved one. If I could do this again, I would have done something much different! I am almost 10 yrs into caring - all tolled, which will be all of my 60’s that I have been a carer. Consider your immediate family when making these decisions, because you will literally be handing your life over to the one you are caring for and your family will suffer.

Sorry if this is too blunt. I am living it and it is overwhelming. Think twice.

Haven't been here in a while. Trying to deal with dad. It is tough every day, mostly me and my issues. Still have to decon teh bathroom every time I want to use it as he pees on the floor.....
Spending money at a fast rate as his GF takes him out alot and he eats out more thatn me. He is out of money today and its the 27th, still has 2 weeks until his SSI check clears. I am sending him to my sisters for 3 weeks so I can get a break, I had to pay $500 for his flight, not even a thank you! More like he tells people I am sending him away. Tried to talk with sister and she seems pissed so she will drop him at one of the relatives for a week. Wow nothing like "family love". Giving him time to see his grand kids and great grand kids, does not at all seem happy about that. I bust my ass to cover his every need financially and home wise, feed him every day provide him a car and nothing.....
Now he wants his other knee replaced. I told him I am not doing what I did the last time 5 weeks in rehab bringing him every meal doing his laundry then another 2 months oif dealing with him at home. I live in a 3 story house not easy to navigate. Told him its John Wayne time for him, on his own on this one.
Totally on my own here. Hope to enjoy 3 weeks of us time for August.

Yes, Sharyn, very tiring. Ready for it to just be over! It has dragged on and on and on enough.

Insurance pamphlet from doc's office? Yea, kinda strange. But at mom's doc's office they had a display with pamphlets from caregiving agencies, hospice, everything you can imagine. I thought then that they were performing a service for their geriatric patients, or maybe for family. But, too much for doc's office to go over with you. They need to concentrate on their medical positions.

The blood tests, kinda understandable, we all know if we have lives that do not warrant such testing, but you never know about a spouse or partner for sure.

Hi all,
Glad so much drama regarding moms estate. How tiring it must be for you.

Golden, I hope you are recuperating. Enjoy your new kitty, they are so fun to watch play.

What do do you all think of this situation. Our dr clinic pressures you to agree to blood tests for things like hep C, HIV, STD’s because they are subsidized by the government. The government wants these tests taken as preventive measures to bigger issues. I get this and understand. But it seems extreme when your lifestyle doesn’t warrant it. The other day my hubs comes home from a 3 month check on his A1C. He has paperwork for life insurance and a living trust from a known insurance company. They went over the packet with him with some mild pressure. I think this is too much from a dr office. What do think about this?

Hi all, trying to get mom's estate closed out. I would have been foolish to think it would be smooth going. 😳

Golden, know we are thinking of you and hoping things are going smoothly, you are getting the rest you need and able to do something nice for yourself. I do LOVE your new avatar!

So I am too tired to post an update to my saga.

I hope everyone is healing and growing in one way or another.

Rays of love light and healing to everyone.,

Sleep Tight!!

Margeaux, I am glad for you that the service went smoothly. The situation you mentioned about a lack or a hug or support can be painful. Being used to being the strong one for everyone in the past, I do know the feeling. I think told my ex I may need to have surgery and he didnt even blink an eye. I think they are so used to us being strong and get stuck or can sense our pain and fear but will be right there beside us. I can remember many years ago I was walking and talking with my son. I started crying he put his arms around me and says it will be alright and it seems it made it worse for me it was overwhelming this show of affection and support. So then I had to fight to keep from really breaking down.

Sharyn Marie, so sorry to hear about your brothers health change.

Stacey, patience and time wow!!! sorry to hear about your wrist. That earthquake sounds really scary.

Sometimes I wonder if this pain in the groin is sciatica. Some times its not as strong but its there.

Still waiting to hear more about surgery the whens and wheres. Wondering if that growth in abodomen is on a nerve.

Golden, Pumpkin is lovely, I call the cat in one of my stores Pumpkin Puss. One time I didnt like cats, but my son begged and I got and I fell in love with him. Thought he was a girl but play play play. Putting on pantyhose was so bad I had to put him out.. but he was so much fun. I thought he was a girl at first named him Princess till he started spraying and I took him to the vet. I told him his name was still Princess LOL. I am glad you are having some joy and happiness at this time. Take your mind off of things. I think its wonderful to be able to be there for someone and you are the champ for being that person from what I can see. Ps. when the men finally fixed bathroom they throuh out my castille. The bottle was almost empty. The issue came back before I got chance to buy another. But that was one piece of advice from you that will last a life time. So thank you.

Cindyn, welcome aboard!! I was broken, lost and confused and also angry this forum helped save my sanity, gave me strength and courage and understanding to keep going on. I learned and I am still learning about myself about the sickness of narcissism and dystfunction and how to deal with it and love myself.
Keep posting, open your hear someone out her will hear and have just the right words or perspective that can send you on your way to healing and growth.

So many wonderful beautiful people who are truly angels and chanells of goodness. Sometimes the truth hurts, but persevere and the growth comes. I didnt like hearing somethings, somethings I was not ready for and still am not ready for but now I can understand the reasoning.

Its not a coincidence you came to this forum; and Cindyn, you are never alone. You have God or a higherpower and that is what is at work through all these posts in these forums. You see hope, yourself, breakthroughs and help. Keep posting.

Cindyn,
I am sorry that you feel lost and alone. You are not alone; you have us. And as cmagnum stated if your mom has Medicaid then she can go into a nursing home. There is help out there...there is help here!

When I first came on this forum I was so lost, confuse, and very angry, but I just started reading the posts that seem to fit with what I was going through and just when I started learning my way around the site they change the format and I had to figure it out and I did! Started learning who knew what and about other people were going through or went through what I was going through before I knew it I wasn't alone anymore! Just hang in there! As my dad and Send say, "this to shall pass."

Thank you Margeaux. Love and Light to you!

If your mom is on medicaid, she can go to the nursing home and medicaid will pay for it.

I am alone. No family members want to help. Mom on medicaid so she cant go to nursing home. No money for aides. I do all myself. Feel lost alone and scared

Margeaux, my condolences. AprilJoy, your story is what frightens me about having my mom come to my house (even for a visit). She wants me to do everything for her, when she can do a lot on her own now.

Oddly, enough when I called Mom today, she was worried about her funeral. Doesn't like the church's pastor (where she's registered as a member), will NOT have him! She and my brother (golden child) have been what I term "church shopping". It's like the three bears story: one has temperature too cold, one is very cold, one has too many 'extra' things going on, one she doesn't like part of the services. Brother found one he likes. Today she exploded on me, I am putting my foot DOWN finally (like she's never gotten her way on anything - ha - she got her way on EVERYTHING - total control as we were growing up). I will not go to THAT church. So brother will have to go where she wants. I'd feel bad for him, but he's a self righteous jerk most of the time. Strangely, about 2 to 3 years ago, he had multiple medical tests done on him - constant headaches, then chest pains. All came out - stress. Then mom, said stress? I have had more stress than anyone! Yes, she always has the most, the worst, the saddest, the whatever more than anyone else. No empathy for us. She will be empathetic to a degree to outsiders, I think to show what a good person she is. Typical Narc behavior.

So she was all fine yesterday. She has a big thing about being alone on a Sunday, so it's a dark, dark, dark mood today. We went through her greatest hits: not being allowed to learn to drive (which she had the chance when she got married and chose not to), she'd get in her car and drive far away from everyone (not true as she'd be too scared to go anywhere by herself - I'd left her 'alone' in a larger grocery story maybe 5 years ago, and she was in tears about that - so she's going to drive to a 'strange' area or city on her own?), she'd picked up her mother when she was widowed and was scared (not before mocking her and complaining how she was having to take her in - plus how her mother told her that she had to move along after my dad died - because life goes on), how she never thought she'd be all alone. My phone was on mute, and I raised the volume on my tv, because I'm sick of hearing the same stuff every week.

I'm going to have to go for a visit at some point. She did buy herself a laptop. I am supposed to set it up. She didn't let "him" know (my brother). She keeps some of her purchases away from him, like he's the authority (he's a man, after all), but he doesn't care. She couldn't learn how to operate 3 cell phones, nor two notepads. She thinks she can handle a laptop. It was 'her dream' to have one before she dies. Yeah, she'll have it, to play solitaire and that's about it. Another dust catcher.

I probably should go no contact, but the guilt trip is strong, been going for over 60 years now. I also know when she does pass, I'll be a mess. If I don't do some stuff for her, I'll beat myself up. Yes, I probably need to find a good counselor.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week, stays healthy, and thanks for letting me vent.

Stacey,

Oh......I didn't know a quake happened in Seattle.

I've always wondered about that feeling you've described, about the claustrophobia. O.K., take care of your wrist. I had to wear one of those boots last year for a bad sprain on my foot. Just have to be aware not to overdo chores, etc., so as not to stress the injury.

Congratulations on your move also!

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm very sorry about your brother's health.
O.K., take care of yourself with the sciatica.

Those quakes were unsettling. If he is in central CA, he must have felt it stronger.

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Tryingmybest,

How are you doing? There are certainly lots of changes with the situation regarding your parents. I do hope that placing them in this facility will help you, and that their care will be good.

I'm familiar Trying with someone in the family who ends up controlling to the umpteenth degree like your sister is doing. That must not feeling good for you to have one sibling behaving like this! Bully is right. Really sorry you have to go through this.

Yes, this is the type of guilt you mentioned where I wasn't the chosen CG, for a lot of reasons. So my visiting mother or caregiving when it was needed was a very controlled situation since mother's home has become my sister's residence then she has her 28 yr. old spoiled daughter living there. Things have changed over the years there, because they've become very proprietary living in the family home. Thank you, Trying.

Hang in there!
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Sharyn - I'm sorry you are dealing with sciatica. I've heard it is very painful. I hope your brother is able to gain strength.

Stacey - A broken wrist, oh no! Take care and go slow so you heal properly.

Margeaux- Sometimes I think the guilt is because a loved one is suffering or gone and we are here and well (enough). Even full time caregivers often express guilt after their loved one has passed. I've heard full time caregivers lament that they were impatient at times or did not prevent fall or, God forbid, they could no longer provide the level of care needed and had to place their parent in a facility. If our circumstances prevent us from being the full time caregiver, and we have a strong sense of ethics then guilt can be even stronger, especially if we come from a judgmental family. Go easy on yourself. Grief is hard enough without adding guilt. hugs to you.

Golden - What Glad said. I could not have said it better.

So Mom and Dad are now in assisted living. Mom has become super paranoid, imagining all kinds of things but the people at the facility are wonderful. They are patient and caring and so far Mom has been manageable. For now, I am visiting every day and Sis is staying over night for this first week. Dad is still in the memory care unit we shall see if he is able to transition in with Mom. I am cautiously hopeful that they will come to accept their new living situation and it will be better for them.

It's been hard dealing with Sis. Last Sunday we three siblings moved a bunch of our parents stuff into storage. Sis told us when to show up according to her schedule...as usual. She does not allow attempts to coordinate or collaborate. She dictates what and where period. Anyway, all the real valuables are now in storage and what is left are furniture, household things and tchotchkes. Mom said she wanted us to each chose a few keepsakes. Sunday we did not have time to do this so it will need to happen another time.

Sis has the only key to the house and she told Bro and me that we could not borrow it. She said she would not allow us in without her. I asked Sis flat out why and she basically said she does not trust us. OMG dis-trust us how? What does she think we are going to do? Steal the pillows off the couch? This is pure vindictiveness. Mom would be appalled but I'm not telling her as I don't want her to get upset.

That was it for me. I told her out of all the hateful things she has said and done, this crossed a big line. I have tried to keep peace and swallowed my words for so long I just can't anymore. No more stuffing it and having my blood pressure shoot sky high. No more stress headaches whenever we interact. No more holding back. Sis is a true bully and bullies don't stop unless they come up against an immovable force. I won't start anything and I plan to keep my distance but I am sure as blazes not going to back down if she tries to bully me again.

Stacey, I’m on vacation this week so I have more time to post. Many changes at work with a new store director and a new deli manager. I’m the assistant now and working many hours plus dealing with sciatica pain. I’m seeing a chiropractor here in town and seeing improvement.

I am concerned about my brother with the swallowing issue as his nourishments are through a tube in his nose. He can’t gain weight to get stronger.

Im happy to hear you are happy in your new place. My son felt the quake in SoCal and family felt it in the Central Valley. This is the quake on July 4th and the one shortly after.

Thank you and Glad, I miss posting but just too busy. Take care everyone.