The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

book, I think there are at least three reasons for the dynamic that you describe between husbands and wives. 1. Men are fixers and tend to hear complaints or questions as a request to fix something. 2. Women are often raised to feel more guilt than men about putting mom in a nursing home or assisted living. 3. Very often, men fail to hear the complaints or questions from their wives as a request for emotional support or validation.

I want to thank everyone on this site for helping me in the past 6 months when I found this site. I couldn’t believe that there was a thread about dysfunctional families! I have vented here often enough to have benefited from it. I also have learned a lot from all your advice. Just as I have also learned from your experiences. Thank you!

I wish that for this year, we all are able to handle our caregiving with a little more strength and fortitude. And not go overboard in the stress department. And for any major decision about placing our parent in NH or assisted Living, to be able to carry it out with as little guilt as possible. Sincerely, book

Hi everyone and Happy New Year!!!

It has been a crazy topsy truvy day here for us. Thank You Joan for the prayers as they are very much needed and truly appreciated!! Hugs back to you! We got mom into the dr., he ruled out a UTI and though he couldn't find evidence of a hernia he believes it is there but small and said not to do anything about it considering her mental condition and it pushing her forward. He did prescribe an antidepressant...Citalopram @ 10 mg. once daily to start. He also wrote a letter stating mom has severe dementia, can not live alone any longer and to please assist her family members regarding her care. He said we can use this with a judge if we decide to pursue legal action. He did advice that in his opinion it would be best to contact APS to come out to do an evaluation and safety check in her home. He said he would take of that call himself. I will be going over daily to give her the antidepressant later in the day because the pharmacist said it would be better to give then since it is more common to cause some drowsiness in the beginning. On the days I work, I will have to go over on my 30 minute lunch break which is usually anywhere from 4-5;30pm. My sis and I have laughed and cried today as we discussed plans of getting home health care in for a period of maybe 6 months so that (sadly she progresses) and we can place her with little confrontation at that time. I have been on the phone since 6pm making calls first to my brother informing him of what has come about. Sis and I discussed on Christmas what to do with mom's house when she is place since it is in the Living Trust and we can't touch it until she passes. We decided that my brother's younger son would be a good choice to live there since he has no small children to cause extra wear and tear. My brother agreed but does not want him living there rent free and that he has certain conditions such as pruning shrubs, cleaning out rain gutters ect, and we would continue the yard service and take care of what any landlord would take care of in terms of repairs. Of course all this is based on 6 months or so down the line. Now we wait for APS to determine what happens in the immediate future. In October when I took mom to the dr. she weighed 123lbs. she now weighs 111lbs. She is not taking adequate care of herself. When I went over her house earlier she want to bath before going to the dr. Her hair was greasy so she hasn't washed it in some time. When sis and I got back from the pharmacy today, she had a bowl of Corn Flakes with bananas for dinner. No wonder she is losing weight!! I feel so ashamed that I have not been more forceful with her but she is so combative and difficult that I would leave because I didn't want to argue with her. I ask for prayers that my mother can come to terms with the situation and be more respective to our help. I didn't get to make the prime rib dinner for hubby and me, instead we had eggs, bacon, sausage and toast...a heart attack on a plate, Lol!! We will do something in a few weeks as things settle down. Thank you all and I hope everyone has a great healthy New Year with peace and happiness!!

Hi Everyone...a few days ago, I had to stop reading poster after poster of the family problems that sure seemed like a "full moon" phenomena. I just couldn't read it after a while and had to back off. Today, I'm able to read your posts without getting down myself.

Margeaux, you never want to ask your husband for advice with problems. I have found that with them, when you ask them, they cut to the chase and tell you what is needed to be done. Straight forward solution. Whereas, with females, we try to solve the problem with the least amount of anger, hurt or with emotion. So we go the roundabout way of solving the problem – which doesn’t usually work. So, you complain about a parent, their dementia, etc..and you ask for help, their response is really simple – mom goes out of this house and straight to Nursing home or assisted living. Simple. Whereas, we females want to try all the alternate options before THAT solution. And it frustrates the men because we don’t follow their advice, and continue to do what our heart dictates to us.

Sharyn, I’m sorry that your mom is quickly progressing in her Alz. It’s not just family now but extending to outside people (friends). Pr
etty soon – if she hasn’t yet – she will become a hermit. And then what I call the “wandering” stage – when she walks out and can’t find her way back home. I think you and sis will need to figure out a game plan for her future.

kd – I’m glad that you did get some down time away from those stressing you out. I hope your mil still keeps that frame of mind when it’s time to go to the clinic.
alabama – Yep, sounds like sibling did it on purpose. Unfortunately, they don’t care. In his/her mind – she did win. It’s too bad…

Happy New Year!!!

Happy 2013 and YES this year will be better!

kdwildflower -glad to see you posting agan, and it is good news that your mil will go to the doctor. Remember that reasoning with a person with dementia is not very successful and many have to pretend they are taking their "patient" to the doctor for another reason, and clue the doctor in ahead of time. The very nature of dementia makes it impossible for them to reason sometimes. Glad you took a break - sometimes it is necessary.(((((hugs))))) over your teenagers and especially the child who was in the accident. Prayers that she comes home safely.
alabama - sounds like typical narcissism to me - need to be in control, and also to spoil othr people's good times. I am sorry. As you say, your parent is the one who loses, as well as your son.
Hope everyone has a good and safe evening, and that 2013 is better than 2012.
♥ and ((((((((hugs)))))))))) Joan

emjo, AMEN on the statement about narcissists who ruin special times as my narcissist older sibling just decided that my elderly parent could not come to my home for New Years' Eve. And as usual, never said a word about it until one hour before we were to pick up elderly parent. My son was really looking forward to spending time with his grandparent as well as his friends, so this was just pure evil on the part of my narcissist sibling who sees it as a "win." It is not a win as she is hurting our parent and does not care.

Hi all. I didn't mean to worry anyone! :) I have taken a bit of a sabbatical and distanced myself from several people who were draining me. I just got 'back in the real world' yesterday... lol. I had to dig deep to find out how to deal with all the chaos of my 'patient' and my ex husband (who I guarantee has alcohol related dementia!) and 3 of my teenagers who want to rebel. Thank God the fourth one isn't giving me any headaches. I finally got maggie to agree to go to the doctor on wednesday, so hopefully that will help give all of us somewhere to start with reasoning with her and for her to understand that this is a diagnosis, so she can understand why everything that is happening seems so hard for her. Her son and I tried to talk with her about it last night, and it turned into them screaming at each other and him yelling "You have dementia!!!! Face it!" and her denying anything... it was horrible. I went over there today and showed her the definition of dementia and talked and listened for a while and now she is very accepting of going to the doctor. Hopefully it will stay that way until after we go!! :) Anyway, nothing has really changed except my expectations and hopes. But that has made everything a little easier to deal with. Hope everyone has a great new year! Today is my oldest childs 21st birthday!! She almost died 2 years ago on Christmas Eve, from a drunk driver , took 4 months to walk again, so I always worry about her being out on nights where there are a lot of drunk drivers...... so I'm going to sit on pins and needles and watch movies tonight!

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))) we must have been posting at the same time. I am sorry about your mum. I understand that the doctor's visit and all that is happening is very stressful for you. Realise that what you are doing is for your mum's own good, even if she doesn't like it. Life has been getting more and more difficult and confusing for her. I am glad you and your sis are going with your mum, and that you have advised the doctor's office ahead of time. You are in my prayers for this afternoon. As they decline, it is harder on friends and family, and friends can be alienated. It gets too much for them, and I know you understand that. Yes, your mum will fight it all the way. I think it is due to the narcissism which means she has to be in control all the time. Even many "normal" seniors find this transition is difficult. My thoughts are with you. Why does it always happen when we have something nice planned???? Even though your mum is not quite in the same state as mine, it does make you wonder.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))), many prayers and let us know how it goes. I will be watching for your update!

Tamale bricks, eh, Margeaux. I feel better about burnt cranberries. Actually the pot was bad, but the cranberries were alright. My biggest problem is my new stove. I still haven't quite figured it out, and I have had it 3 years. It is glass top, and the burners are different from my old ones, and harder to control.
Margeaux - re Gary, it is not that he does not understand my problems with mother. He understands them very well now, though at the beginning he didn't altogether. It is that she doesn't want to see him, or have any advice from him. The only advice he ever gave her was good advice for the situation she was in then, but she is never thankful for that as it shows that she did something wrong, or couldn't figure out what to do, and she must always be right, and in control. She will never forgive you for that. Years ago, when my father developed vascular dementia, she was furious with him all the time - more than usual because he couldn't do what he used to because he was ill. He called me in tears, as she was raging and raging at him and asked me to come. I travelled across the country to stay with them, after finding someone to care for my 3 little kids. After spending time with her when she was home from work, and spending time with him, I could see that he was ill, and that they would have to change their plans for the future (to build a house), as he was not capable any more, nor was he safe to drive. I advised her to buy her own car, and not let him have the keys. His car needed repair. I told her not to get it repaired so he coudn't drive it, and also to sell their lot, and buy a house as it would be a good investment. It was the right thing for them, and she followed my advice, but later she told me very rudely that I needn't think that I had helped her. If she had not done that, she would not be as well off now, as a lot of her capital came from the house sale. So now she is trying to drive a wedge between Gary and I, by saying she will see me but not him. She has never shown any appreciation to him for anything he has down for her, or to me. She will make a fuss of you if you do what she wants you to. It is not true appreciation, but rather manipulation, so she will get more out of you. She will turn on you quick as anything if it suits her.
Gary is great company and willing to discuss anything with me, though I know it has not always been easy for him when I have been upset. I am thankful he is so patient with, and supportive of me. He is one of 5 boys, and doesn't understand women very well. His ex was, and still is, a very angry woman so he does understand quite a bit about mother, and the need for me (us) to protect ourselves from her. I told him on the weekend that she will not succeed in driving a wedge between us. That I will stand with him - period - and I will be telling her that too. If he is not welcome, and he is with me, then I will not come. She has played this game with my sis, who caved in to her. She went to stay with sis in the past, and created havoc there. Mother continually criticized sis's dh (who was a nice, patient man, dead 10 years ago now) and sis just sat, and went along with it. I will not tolerate that.

You are right it is a blessing, as I will say to mother that since I discuss everything with Gary, and do take his advice into account, as she doesn't want him in the picture, then I have to bow out. I am executor, and my sis is back up POA. She can take over the POA, and I will stay as executor if mother wishes. It seems only fair to divide the work. Over the years, sis has done very little - just come for free holidays, and live off mother for a month at a time. She does live overseas, but nowadays with computers things can be done from a distance easily. And, frankly, mother may die before there is any need for anyone to act as POA, but I need a boundary there, from her asking me to do things for her, then criticizing me when I do what she asks. I am sick and tired of that game, and of her trying to ruin things for me.
I will be interested to hear what you will write about later. Men do have a different view of things quite often. They are not generally speaking, as good at knowing what make relationships work, as women are - normal women anyway.

Re the end of the year, I have found that narcissists will try to take advantage of any special times, holidays etc. to create trouble, and position themselves as the center of attention. More than once, when I have had plans for something special for myself ( not that that was often in the years before Gary), she would create a crisis to spoil it if she could, and as a result I was often too tired to do what I had planned. It didn't work this time! We had a lovely weekend despite her antics.

Best wishes for all for a good New Year! I am making some changes, to further protect myself. This has gone on long enough, and the coming year is going to be better!!!! Love, ((((((((hugs)))))))) and prayers - Joan

Margeaux~Things are not good. My mom's friend Nancy called me this morning saying that my mom calls her several times a day. She has even accused Nancy of coming in her house when she is not home and taking things. Nancy understands that mom has Alzheimer's so she doesn't take it personal, but it still is causing her emotional stress with all the calls. I made an appt. for 3:10 this afternoon for my mom to be evaluated for living on her own. I told the nurse to inform the dr. for me about what is going on so I don't have to repeat it in front of my mom. I also told them she should be checked for a UTI and another possible hernia on the left side of the groin. She had surgery for a hernia on the right side 2 years ago. My sister is going to come down so we can all go together. Truthfully, this is tearing me up because I know my mom is going to fight this whole process. I know she is terrified about what is happening to her but she will not talk about that with us. She tells Nancy she is scared but she won't tell us that. I know my mom is panicking because she can't handle daily things especially her bills and mail. She is lashing out at her friends now and even though they understand, the stress it causes them is hard for them to deal with as well. I gotta pull myself together here and head over to my mom's, will let you all know what is going on after the appt. Dang...I have a great dinner planned for me and hubby tonight too.

Sharynmarie,

How's your mom acting today?
Looks like lot's of our relatives are acting out just now. Guess they think it's some kind of good way to end the year?? Mine too. Yikes!
I agree w/Emjo, in that you are handling your mom well, your sister also by the way. Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Emjo,

Oh, I see what you are saying that your mom doesn't want to see Gary.
I definitely understand that he doesn't understand her problems.
As I wrote before, my husband doesn't understand my family problems either.
My husband also seems tries to offer suggestions, and many times they are quite simplistic or he can't understand from a woman's perspective, since he doesn't have sisters. He has two brothers, one lives in NY, and the other lives in another country. They are pretty much at odds many times. He has more tension w/the youngest brother. Anyway I'm wondering too if men just have a different orientation to the family problems, because I'll write about this later; this aspect of dysfunction is surfacing in our family right now.

Well in any case, if your mom is saying for your husband not to come, this is probably in the bigger picture a blessing in disguise for him too. He must be a great guy too, that you can count on him about discussing different aspects of you situation.

Yes, this decision about the POA, is tough! But I can understand you wanting to pull out of that too. You're in my thoughts, and I hope for your sake your mother calms down. Much Love, Margeaux

I would like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Years.
I toast to your health, abundance, good wishes and everything wonderful any of you desire in this New Year of 2013! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

kdwildflower, please let us know how you are doing?

Last night I got very energetic and decided to try making some tamales.
Ive made them before, but it's been a long time ago. Anyway, they were a lot of work, about over 2 hours to get them into a pot to steam. They were a complete disaster, and I had to throw them out as they came out like little bricks! HAAH!
Oh well! I'lll have to try doing them another time. This does not discourage me at all.
I was trying to turn around that bomb Christmas I had because of my sister's negativity and look what happened. Maybe I should just make a turkey too.
Well, I hope everyone is good, and relaxing after all of this business, because I am. Much Love, Margeaux

Kdflower,
Under any circumstances, should any caregiver, son, etc. tolerate this kind of abuse, because that is what it is! Sometimes, I think it's difficult for the relatives and people very close to a situation to view it as such. Others here have suggested that you report it, if it were to happen again.
We had a terrible situation w/an aunt who we were in charge of. She unleashed all these similar behaviors upon many people. I felt as if I was up against a brick wall in terms of especially my sister to understand, (main caregiver) about taking measures as to not allow abuse by an elder. Hopefully she'll be diagnosed w/o too many problems. You are in my thoughts! Please give us an update. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan, I'm not familiar at all with POA. When father became bedridden, my bro-of-next-door (actually, it was SIL), kept pressuring me to get POA. I refused. I kept saying no. I mean, we are 8 kids together. WHY does it have to be ME? I have already put 23 yrs of my life on hold (always wanted to leave this island, live in the mainland, and travel on weekend to different countries). I have gone through so much "hardship" with the parents. I finally put my foot down on POA. I turned it around and asked them why don't THEY get POA. Excuses galore. Oh, I have to be the one because he trusts me (Ha! It's the siblings on the states he trust.) Oh, I'm living with them, the POA will just make it more legit. (Ha!) I know my family. Right now, I am just their caregiver. If I get POA, in their eyes, I now become legally responsible for them. Therefore, the parents are now MY Responsibility. Not Their Problem.

Emjo, as soon as we can figure out how I can walk out on the parents without my conscience condemning me, I can walk out. As it is, I stayed on 23yrs ago due to religious reasons. Those reasons are still valid. I have been visited by our religious higher-up-with-position several times a year for the past 23 yrs. Not Once, did he/wife say it's okay for me to leave. Sigh..

But the main reason I don't want POA? I've put half of my life into caring for mom and then now father. I dont want anymore "burden" of them on me. Just physically being here is more than I can handle. I don't want anymore chains to link me to them.

margeaux -thanks - I can limit myself from reading her emails - that is about all. Mother has been like this all her life -and worse -quite a bit worse at times. It is not that Gary does not want to be around her, though right now I am sure he doesn't, but that she does not want to see him. He has been very willing to help in any way he can. I am not so sure he is now, Mother is telling me what the "good" daughters of other people did for their mothers, yet when I try to help her, even by doing exactly what she asks me to do, she lashes out at me. It is an absolute no win for me. I refuse to visit her in her apartment and be her captive audience, and I am glad you are protecting yourself from that kind of behaviour too. We just have to be with the people we enjoy and let the rest go, (((((((hugs))))) and love to you too Joan

Emjo,

What on earth!! Is there any way your mom's computer time could be limited?
HAAH! I know an ALF would probably never do this. I really feel for you. I'm also wondering what your mother was like when she was younger. But I know this behavior, the never being satisfied, pleased, measuring up. We definitely experienced this with our aunt. She I'm sure was border line.

I know how you feel also, when you've written that even your husband doesn't want to be around her. I'm sure you don't want to be around her either.
This was the exact same feeling I had after Christmas when I went and after getting my dosage of too many complaints and knowing about all of the fighting with my sister vs. the SIL!
Good for you also, that you realize this and aren't going to be her audience.
I said this about an ex-friend I had to drop a year ago. This is all she did and I had quite enough. The world doesn't center around any one person.
I'm quite happy for you that you're having a good time w/Gary and your other family members. Have a safe journey home, Much Love, Margeaux

wildflower - I agree with cmag and sharyn - you need to protect yourself. It sounds like some intervention is needed

Hi book - I don't keep purses but i do keep other things - I do wonder without memories how you know about the abuse - have others told you? I also know that those memories get buried
sharyn - your sis is her own worst enemy thank goodness my hot flash days are over - really didn't have many - my thyroid was low so I was cold -think they balanced out lol
margeaux -I love my fireplace - one comfort in our long cold winters - I know all about the difficulty of cleaning around the clutter. It is good to put distance
hi yogi - good to see you posting -
my three -I am so sorry about your childhood abuse. You are a survivor and dealing with your family very well - good for you!
cmag - I do think you have done very well in therapy. On the whole I have found therapy helpful too.
time for brunch and than I will have to diet when i get home Hope evrye has a decent day

Thanks John and sharyn -and others for the hugs
Gary and I really enjoyed the dinner theatre. The music was great -the Buddy Holly Story, and so was the food. The timing of this, plus mother's statement that she would see me, but not Gary and didn't want any advice from him (who said he was going to give any?) really put me off. This was our special weekend during the holidays and her craziness, as far as I am concerned, was designed to spoil it, and, of course, put her front and center. Gary and I are a couple and any attempts of hers to divide us will not work.
sharyn I know you know how it feels -you had a dose this week too. The thing with mother is that she does not have dementia. She played helpless to suck people in.. begged and demanded that I get involved, then accused me of doing things without consulting her when I made a phone call and sent one email -which was only part of what she had asked me to do, and told me was urgent. Then all of a sudden, the helpless little old lady is gone, she is sharp as a whip, directing her little operation, calling on this one and that one and so on, and coming down in me. What a sick game. It has happened before. and I am the only one who can stop it from happening to me again. I really did think she was failing this time, and not able to totally grasp what was going on this time, or I would not have gotten as involved, but from the emails it is clear that she gets what is going on and can handle it. There was no need for my involvement other than to feed her need for attention, and I am not going any further in that direction.
Now I need to look into myself, and figure out why I haven't given up POA before, and why I am having difficulty letting it go. If I had to exercise POA, Gary would assist me in that if I needed it. We discuss various things and help one another which is natural for a couple. She has clearly stated she does not want him involved, which, practically speaking, makes it impossible for me. This may be the logic I use to her, though I know I don't have to give any explanations, at the same time it feels good to me to show her that she has created her own situation. Any feedback is welcome.

We will drive home today, after the complimentary brunch. Gary works the 31st, and needs to tend to the horses on New Years Day, and I am haooy with a quiet New Years Eve.

The lad who wants to do more renovations, but who will first finish what he didn't complete earlier,is coming towards the end of the week, so I have to clear out some of the basement as he will sleep there. I do want him to do some work in the basement to better finish it, and Gary can keep an eye on him, and make sure it all gets done properly. Thanks all ((((((hugs))) Joan

Kdwildflower~There is no point in trying to argue with a person who has dementia. When she becomes delusional what she believes is very real to her. I agree with cmag, you need to call 911 when she becomes violent. It is for her protection and yours!! They will take her to a hospital where she will be evaluated and placed on medication. This is in her best interest that you do this. Do not wait until someone gets hurt. What you are going through is quiet common with dementia so do not feel guilty or that you are going to cause her harm by calling 911.

kdwildflower, your MIL wants to kill you and her son plus has chased you around with a knife trying to stab you! Why have you not called 911 on this woman who is a danger to others and have her taken to the hospital for a psychological evaluation? Please, for your own protection and her care, call 911 and report her. They will come and take her to the hospital.

/well, I stayed away from my mil for a few days after her accusing me of being a bitch and causing trouble (after doing everything for her, and she told me she didn't need my help and could do just fine without me) So I let her see how she could do without me. she didn't take her meds for a week!!!!!!!! she has gotten so accustory with her son- who lives with her- and now me.. whom used to be the only one would could calm her down. We finally got her an appt. with a neurologist and she is refusing to go. Her son is taking off work and we are making her go, although I don't know whether it will turn out baaaad or go well. I am at the point of not wanting to help her feel better as we talk to the dr. I want to let it 'all out' about her wanting to kill me and her son, raising her fists to hit us. Chasing me trying to stab me..... accusing us of taking her money, etc. She kicks him out of her house almost every week and he is ready to leave...but she can't live alone and I told Randy to list everything he does on paper, and all that she needs help with, including what I do for her when I come over 4 to 5 times per week. She needs to see it on paper. My question is 2 fold: how do I get over my frustration and anger at her saying there is nothing wrong with her, and yet acting so erratic emotionally and messing up her meds, pooping her pants (she always has an excuse) blaming her forgetfulness and inability to talk on 'stress' that her son puts her through.....etc. How can I deal with this??? And two: how can I get her to want to go to the doctor instead of refusing to do so? She says she does NOT have dementia or alzheimers, so I (and home health ordered us to have her evaluated) decided to make her an appt. so she can know for herself what she is diagnosed with. But everything makes her mad. Lord help us. It is getting worse.

Joan~So sorry you had to read those crazy emails. All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. Maybe my mother and your mother are somehow related, Lol!! They sound so much alike. I hope you enjoyed the dinner theatre. I would love to go do that sometime. Hugs to you!!

Thanks,Cmag. At this time in my life, I have no desire to remember. One day, I will. Thanks for the encouragement. =)

bookworm, I found that in therapy my subconscious released many of my hidden early memories and my therapist helped me work through them which has helped me deal with unresolved anger in my life.