
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Book, one hour at a time is how I will handle nut being able to spend the time with my mom. I give myself the chance to cry for a few minutes then I'm ok. I've been doing 4-6 times a day. I think it makes me stronger and I realize I can handle it a little easier. I don't allow myself to think of her 24/7. If I did, I wouldn't be here.
P.S...I never even thought of asking people here about detach/boundaries with what is happening in my home situation.
Hi Yogi. I hope xmas is not going to be a bad time for you. If you post here, I may not be able to respond right away because I will be back at work. Know that I will be thinking of you and knowing that you will be thinking of your mother. And all the caregivers who have recently lost loved ones this year... ((Lefaucon - I will also be thinking of you.))
well said MyWitsEnd -mothr is the same -nothing you give her is ever quite right - always something to b*tch about. I think these people are very jealous - they always want to be the center of attention. You can't please them - or not for long. I agree it is futile. Do what you think is right and then let it go, and live your life. If she wants to be huffy - her problem, not yours.
book you are welcome - I still need it in front of my face sometimes. detaching is separating yourself emotionally, socially, spiritually, even physically from anoither person. - to be indifferent, remote from them. It does not necessarily mean you ignore them, just that you don't let their behaviours affect you so much. Setting boundaries is as you did at Christmas with relatives that tried to act superior to you. You refused to be treated like that and did not go back - that was setting a boundary. When my mother is miserable to me, I reduce contact for a while showing her that I will not let it continue. It doesn't stop it altogether but it helps. Good luck with your learning. Ask for ideas from people here about specific situations for detaching and setting boundaries. I bet you will get some good ideas.
Have a great Christmas love and hugs Joan
Joan - thanks for that information. I've copied and pasted it on my notes. I'm going to print it out as a reminder whenever father and I butt heads. Thanks!
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Detaching
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviours of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
You only need love others as you love yourself -not more than. Please balance your life by loving yourself more. Christmas is not about your mother and her dysfunctional behaviour, it is about the birth of the Christ child who came to give us hope.
Praying that you start healing from this journey.. expecting gratitude from your mother is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone - it won't happen, (((((((hugs))))) love ♥ and prayers -Joan
Gary will be back on the 26th and we will have turkey with middle son and dil on the 27th, then supper with dd and family on the 28th, then head south to Edmonton for dinner theatre on the 29th and visit mother before we return.
She has been emailing me frequently -about 25 emails in 5 days, wanting me to do this and that, but a few hours later it is irrelevant becuase she or someone else has done it. She may hire a nurse to come in once a day to supplement home care and do her shopping, which is now done by some one else. Not a bad idea.
margeaux - thanks for kind comments on the pic. It really was beautiful that morning, but it changes fast. Mother is not moving after all - just a little extra excitement for her I guess. I will have to make the chutney in the new year now I guess. Sounds like you are strengthening your boundaries - goodf
TDB -welcome -hope you are getting the support you need. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate
book - it is good the feelings are coming out - it is healing an dtears are good
sharyn -hope you are well now -no good to be sick at Christmas. We dont drink much either -a few glasses a year at best -some great Christmas memories. I used to cook a big brunch after the gifts were handed out
yogi - glad it is only stress - look after you!!! stress itself can still cause health problems
hi mslisadoll - being blamed, being the scapegoat is no fun - finally i simply reuse to listen to it or accept it - I thròw it back at them
h beanie - venting sure helps. I ket mine know when they hurt me now, more than I used to
burned - glad your kids are getting more gifts. I hopen your family has a good Christmas
cmag - sorry to hear about your dad, and your step dad, but glad your wife is making progress - it does not end does it? Being minimalist works for me!
austin- this is a difficult season for you with the shootings nearby and your mother passed so recently. Hope you and your friend can have some good quiet times
Hope I didn't miss anyone - if I did it is unintentional. On a higher dose of thyroid meds only three days but it has helped already. I am lighting a fire soon, and some candles. It is time to do a bit of reminiscing -just me and the cat!. Tomorrow will be more social.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and enjoyable day, some rest, some socializing, some good food, good memories, good company...
Much love, hugs and prayers ♥ Joan
I do hope ALL of you have the most Merriest of Christmas' and if not with other family and friends from maybe Christmas memories of some time ago. Bless all of you caregiving angels.
But actually, I like this guy for her. I think what she calls his non-communicative nature is more of just a quiet type of man. My sister doesn't realize how overbearing she is at times. Maybe I should get her the book, "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus."
She was also telling me of mom and her awake days w/the ALZ. Normally as many ALZ patients, mom sleeps a lot. When she has the awake days, she drives my sister crazy w/her and endless questions. Poor thing, mom becomes real high maintenance. So my sister had some receipts from the shopping she'd done for her grandson and they were there on the couch next to mom. Mom picked them up and started to look at them. Mom took her through an interrogatory of sorts about them.
My sister became offended by this. She told her they were the receipts for the grandson's gifts, and that she was paying for these w/her own money, and wasn't spending mom's. The descriptions of mother's behavior seems to indicate that she reverts to old attitudes mothers had about her money. I get it. It's a real control issue. Anyway, on this end, my sister is quite responsible, she makes her own money.
When mom has the awake days, she also has a great need to be entertained.
My sister sent her out the door w/the caregiver to get her nails done, then mom asked, "Are you coming w/us?" My sister is feeling the lack of appreciation from mom. Well, now that I know more about the narcissism, "I do."
I tried to explain some of this to my sister. Hope it didn't fall on deaf ears.
Margeuax
I was reading that post about your family and Christmas.
I guess while we're very young, we are still in that naive stage, so that somehow we can overlook for a moment the transgressions committed upon us by adults.
How terrible this treatment towards your mother by her siblings. It's interesting in families that when there are members who do make more money, or have better opportunities, some people become superior in their minds towards others who do not share the same. As we become older as you've described of your realizations in your teens one starts to see things for what they are. The truth!
It's good that you stood up to all of this and didn't allow your cousins to treat you this way. My best memories of Christmas also were at my grandmother's house.
Oh, how I miss the wonderful smells in the kitchen. She was an amazing lady, who nurtured us. I'm so grateful for this!
You are an amazing person, Book. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
A lot of Christmas music is too melancholy for me. If I listen to any, I prefer the upbeat tunes. I could understand how this would remind you of your son.
I went out to do last minute shopping a day ago. I was really dreading it, had four baby gifts to contend with. But I got pretty lucky, selected some great outfits.
So now I just have my sister, mom and husband's gifts to contend with, but these are easy. I no longer get all the nieces and nephews anything as I'm done w/them in terms of gifts, and it's too expensive, plain and simple.
Hugs to you, and try and find some upbeat tunes, Much Love, Margeaux
I had a good visit with my mother in the nursing home. She's suddenly decided she wants to sit up in a chair now and be rolled in to the activity room. This is a major change for her.
Upon visiting with my step-dad today, I could tell a marked decline in his mental ability. After telling him we had just seen my mother before coming over to the house, he asked my son and I twice if we had seen my mother. He even had us living in another town than when we actually live.
I've been a real minimumlist concerning Christmas decorations! That has been good.
Maybe, we will be able to go to church for the second Sunday in a row. Monday, we drive up to see my wife's mother and twin sister. We will return on Wednesday.
I got all the Christmas shopping done yesterday. Since my son and daughter live elsewhere, I get gifts cards which simplifies things. The tree is up but not decorated. I will do that when I get off work tonight. Hubby has to work swing shift today so I will have the house to myself and can get it done easily, Lol!! My mother's wallet is shot and she uses a rubber band around it to hold it together. I bought her a new wallet. She bought one a couple months ago but didn't like it because she couldn't fit everything in it. Well a lot of the stuff she has in it are duplicate insurance cards or stuff she no longer uses. We are going to go through it and lighten her load so all will fit in the new wallet.
Those of you who are lucky enough to have Monday off enjoy the Christmas weekend. Those of you like us who are working through Monday...hang in there and take deep breaths and enjoy Christmas Day. Happy weekend!!
How are you doing?
I'm really sorry about the diagnosis about your father. This is definitely always difficult to hear, no matter what. Yes, it's going to be a decision about getting more help for both your dad and his wife. This was the situation going on w/our mom and her narcissistic sister several years before mother was officially diagnosed by a doctor for the ALZ. At that time, unfortunately the son who'd been chosen as POA, wasn't responsible enough to see that mom was getting this attn. paid to her medically speaking. If he couldn't do it, he didn't have the honesty about not being able to take care of business, and allow one of the other siblings to do it because of his enormous ego. Then layer over that mess, our aunt meanwhile w/o our knowledge knew something was stirring w/mom; she'd been w/mom to all of her doctor's appts., and knew mom was already prescribed some meds for the ALZ. It's good that you've a step sister involved on a variety of levels, I know I don't have to tell you that.
How is your wife's progress coming? I read that she was able to tackle some stairs recently.
O.K., my man....hope you didn't put up too many decorations, remember less is more! Much Love and I have you and yours in my thoughts! Margeaux
Also, my step-mother is receiving care from Hospice. The only reason that they have not already gone over to assisted living is her wish to die at home. However, my dad is not sure this will be possible for much longer. They each have long term care insurance. He told me that they are both so declined that they are really not much support to each other at all. Out of 7 brothers and sisters my dad has lived the longest with his younger sister close behind with Alzheimer's and their youngest sibling is still alive. Also, my dad has about outlived all of his friends. His remaining siblings and other relatives all live in another state.
Furthermore, in addition to her daughter, my step-mother has her son, sister and brother right there in the same town.