The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~ Yes I am feeling better. I was suppose to be off today but I worked because my pregnant co-worker went out on leave unexpectedly so we needed to fill her shifts. She will be out now until after the baby is born. I have to get the tree up tomorrow but I am going to do much less decorating on it than usual. My husband and I even discussed not putting it up at all, but since we have dinner here for family, I thought it would be best to have some Christmas decorations up.

Growing up, we didn't have an extended family. My mother's family is not close and my dad's family is in Ireland. My parents went all out at Christmas for us kids. I am sure it was my dad's doing because my mom is not nor has ever been a generous person with affection, time or money except for herself. I was the one who woke up first on Christmas morning usually around 4am. I would wait until 5 to wake my brother. He is like me and dad, very excited and no matter how old, a kid at heart. Slowly my sister and eldest brother would wake up and all 4 of us would sit in the living room looking at the tree discussing who was going to wake up dad and mom. They told me (every year), "You are the youngest, they won't get mad at you, so you have to wake them up." Lol!! Eventually I would go in my parents room and wake my dad up...."Dad, it's Christmas, wake up!" He always played this game with me saying, "It's not Christmas, go back to bed." This went on for about 10 minutes before he and my mom would finally get up. To a child it was an eternity!! My dad would play Santa and he handed out gifts to us one at a time. Each person opened their gift and passed it around so everyone could share in their excitement, especially my dad's. Periodically we would tell dad he had to open one now. He prolonged the excitement for everyone and it ended up taking about 2 hours to open gifts. Then my mom would make this huge breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, hash browns. We usually went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Great memories!!

Nobody's perfect, but it sure gets old being the "one" that gets the brunt of everybody in the family's frustration. It does nothing for your self-esteem either. Get tired of hearing all the hollering and getting blamed for everybody's problems. In any case, thanks for letting me vent.

After months of not talking to my family, my sis sent me a B'day card. She also wrote a note telling me that she will never understand my thought process as to why I escalated everything out of proportion. Meaning me having to care for my mom 24/7 and me walking away. And saying that my mom is very confused and hurt at my actions. I told her it is not my doing. It is my bro's doing by not letting me see/talk to my mom and that I have made every attempt possible to see/talk to her. I told her I will not accept any blame for what I have not done. I will take responsibility for my misdeeds but not for the other misdeeds of my family. I told her that my life is just as important as theirs. No more, no less. My bro lied to me, bullyied, threatened and harrassed me. I will not stand for it. I have grown up and I can make my decisions for myself for what I do or don't do. She told me she hoped I was happy (finally) in my new life. More trying to make me fel guilty. I told her that I NEVER denied my bro or her to see/talk to my mom. In fact, I encouraged it. They just don't get it. It is getting close to Christmas, my mom is probably talking about or asking about me, we're best friends. I don't think they can handle that and can see how hurt she is. I called my bro and left a voicemaail on his phone 2 1/2 months ago asking to speak to my mom and him. No response no call back. Last thing he said to me was when this is through, (meaning my mom out of her apt. and my bro taking care of her) he washes his hands of me. My family has hurt me so VERY much since Sept. I have found peace with myself. Seeing my mom will start it all over or put me back to 24/7 care that I CANNOT do with my disabilty. Besides, if I see my mom, which I don't know if it will ever happen, we will both be full of tears. My bro will just call it drama and be mad about it and probably not let me see/talk to her again. That's why he won't let me talk to her. When I say I love you to her, she cries. My bro doesn't want the drama. And besides, his life is inconvenienced because he has been, along with his girlfriend, taking care of my mom. Three kids and I, the youngest one, should give up my whole life so they can have theirs. I feel shitty today.

Sharynmarie,
Are you feeling better? Yes, Christmas can bring up the memories, especially as you wrote about your dad apparently really enjoying it. Good memories. Well I hope you were able to motivate yourself and get your tree up. I'm still trying to motivate myself to hang this boot I made some years ago. I just used some fabric that already had that's red, and sewed some long black fringe on the top of the boot. and if you can believe that I haven't gotten around to hanging it up. Maybe I'll do it when I get off the computer. HAAH! Margeaux

TakeDeepBreaths, welcome to this place n take your time reading for their is a lot of information here n the people r great as well. Be nice if you could give us some more feedback of you n the person you are taking care of so that we can get to know you too.

TDB, that's what some people do here - write a letter explaining the True home situation.

It's funny. At age 19, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I babysat soooo many nieces/nephews by the time I reached 19. I never regretted it. I had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons, I was soooo afraid that I would have regretted it - after it was done. Nope. Still didn't want children. Anyway, as a "happy labor" babysitter (oldest siblings didn't believe in paying me for babysitting - it was called "happy Labor"), I insisted that all kids have their pampers changed before dropped off. If they pooped, it will have to wait until their parents pick them up. So, when parents became bedridden - I thought KARMA. I never wanted children- I now have 2 adult "childrent". Hence the falling apart on changing poopy mess pampers. I did not really have much experience on my nieceds/nephews! So, I had to Learn real fast how to clean father. I don't know how others do it, but I Cut His Shirt Off instead of trying to lift it over his head and dried poop falls on his head, shoulders, etc... So far, I've had to cut 2 tshirts! Good thing the tshirts are 3 for $10.00. =)

TDB you are doing the right thing not enabling-it is hard and takes more patience and time but is the right thing to do. I would fax my concerns to the doc-he or she may even put that in her records-the doc needs to see the whole picture. I am glad you are sharing your experience we all learn from each other here on AC.

Thanks everyone for your welcomes again. I have a question for you: Mom has a doc appointment this Friday and the doctor is planning to call me during that time so that I can "be there" during the appointment. So, today I am debating whether or not to
a) share my perceptions and observations with the doc before the appt (by phone, via the doctor's nurse, or by sending the info via fax)
b) try to share them during the appointment
c) don't share them at all (not really leaning towards this one at all ;-)

The doc is very open and welcoming of information from what I can tell. Mostly, I just want her to know the real amount of alcohol and the lack of carb control so that she can better treat my mother. I'm know the doc already realizes that what my mother tells her is not accurate so maybe it's not even a big deal for me to get that info out there, or maybe it's best if it's done in front of my mother rather than behind her back. (e.g. "We are only as sick as our secrets.") I'm not looking for confrontation, just accurate information so that treatment can be appropriate. Before my mom was discharged, the doc did sit down with her and tell her that she really needed to be honest with herself and with the doctors, but it's really different perceptions of reality and I don't know that my mom is capable of acknowledging what reality is right now.

So, what are your experiences?? I'm just going back and forth today so I'm putting it out there. :-)

Thanks!
(p.s. I hope and pray I don't have to deal with the poop stuff!!! It was bad enough with my kids. Please..........NO POOP!!!!!!!! ;-)

Sharyn...Google: Gypsy truths and myths. there is a PDF on the myths. gotta go!

BTW...why would you have such strict rules for your daughters being virgins when you are clearly teaching them to steal??? Just saying.

Thanks Book, I know about gypsies from Ireland. We of Irish origin call them tinkers. I saw them when I was in Ireland way back in 1975. From what my co-worker told me, she says they are very strict with their daughters...must be a virgin when married, but yet they let them dress very loosely. It makes no sense to me. I think either I am not well informed on this or they are labeling a group of people into a group based off a tv show.

Sorry, Sharyn. All I know is based on their reality shows (England and U.S.) is that that the normal people do not trust them. I saw on one show in which the seamstress admitted that after she went all out in making the bride's wedding dress, she did not get paid. She really likes the gypsies but it is something she is aware of not being paid. I guess the income she makes for the year still covers the loss.

Gypsy is what they ARE. They are not British, or Irish or American. They are gypsies. Similar to the Native American Indians. They have Gypsy from Ireland who is different from the Gypsy in England. (Ireland has a princess.) They even have Gypsy from the US WITH the gypsy accent. (I once watched this one.)

I am bringing up a subject that is off topic because I want to know if any of you have information on this. I looked it up online but all the info I found is either about a tv show (doesn't give me much hope of truth) or what I already knew about gypsies...from Hungary or Romania.

We have some customers that come in the store that my co-workers say are gypsies. They are not American born, have an accent, and are on welfare. One co-worker says she thinks they are middle eastern or Arabian. I am not typecasting any heritage or ethnic origins, belief system, etc. I am only looking for info that I have apparently missed.

This family...from what I have been told, is very rude, openly admits they have $1,000.00 in food stamps, and according to the manager, they drive a 2013 Toyota. I bring this up because they came in tonight, had over $20 worth of meat custom sliced and several other things from the deli. Our till had been closed early tonight so they couldn't pay at the deli. They told the people up front they did pay at the deli but had no receipt. The checker called the deli asking if they paid, we told them our till had already been closed out. So they made them pay. This is the first store I have worked in where they have labeled someone as a gypsy and I am only trying to understand how this differs from someone who is swindler or con artist who happens to be from another country living in the U.S. Does anyone have any input on this term?

Hi TDB (TakeDeepBreaths), it sounds like you have to be on your toes with both parents. It's too bad that sis cannot help you more with the caregiving load. Yes, it sure is a learning experience. Mom had the dementia diagnosed 23 yrs ago. Dad just recently his senility is so obvious after his stroke last year. Mom did NOT touch her poop. Father is ... gungho into it. So, I wasn't expecting my reaction the first time I had to clean up his mess - all over the bed, his chest, his back, his legs...I came on here and was basically falling apart. It helped that several people confirmed that they too had the same reaction to what I now call "the poopy stage." Some were able to overcome their distaste while others still found it just as gross as the beginning. So, all I can say is, it's good to post what you'e going through and who knows? Maybe someone has a more economical or shortcut way of doing it. .... I like how you're now Not Enabling your parents. =)

Welcome Take Deep Breaths!

Welcome Take Deep Breaths good to have you aboard.

Wow! Seems like a great thread already! :-)
Sounds like you have quite the challenge on your hands, Bookworm. I dread the days to come if they include changing the pampers. Luckily I live about 5 hours away from my parents and I hope I'll be able to keep it that way. I have seven sibs, but I am the medical POA and the one with the life science background so I'm the medical contact and am rapidly becoming the caregiver by default. There is one sister who lives near my folks but she is not in a place in her life (emotionally, physically, etc) where she can help much. That's okay (for now). At least I know she's there and she is willing to check on them as needed.
My 77 year old mother was in the hospital last week with pancreatitis and congestive heart failure as the primary diagnoses. Yes......related to diabetes and alcohol abuse as well as an opportunistic upper respiratory infection. And, you can probably pretty easily see the picture. My dad ended up with pneumonia but at least we got him to a doc and on meds while I was there helping out. He has emphysema and is 82. It's not super severe but of course all of this takes its toll.

Today is a better day for me now that I've found these forums. I've pulled out my tool kit and already got to practice not enabling. woo hoooo!!! Yeah, she was mad at me when I wouldn't get her a banana because that would help her disobey doctors' instructions. Told I would get her some protein but I was not going to enable her. Yup. She got mad. Fine. Go for it!! At least then my dad got to be the good cop for a little bit. I'm sure we'll trade off good cop and bad cop.
The stress and sadness for me is losing my mother this way since she is not the person she once was and I know she will continue to deteriorate and I can do nothing to stop it. I can't fix it, but I can sure not be part of helping it progress. I know I'm at the beginning of a very long road and so I am so glad to have found all of you. :-)

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, welcome TakeDeepBreathes. I don't know why I seem to be getting these flashback memories of the past on this specific thread discussion. It's like it's all coming out from where it's been hidden deep inside me. I'm sorry guys for going on and on. It's like these memories swell up and wants to be exposed. Sigh...I'm really not sentimental or emotional. Several of you say that I'm healing and that's why I'm beginning to Feel Emotions. I've been in Survival Mode for so long, I forgot what Emotions are....been crying a lot, too...which I'm told is also a sign of healing. I'm just soooo not used to all these emotions. I hope the anger/hatred from childhood does not also well up. So far, so good with the current ones. I can't comment long. It's now morning and father has Definitely Touched His Poop! I soooo dread the changing of pampers. Gotta go! I will try to write after work, but...lately, I'm soooooo tired. Last night, I posted only 1 time at YOU at 830pm, and I was sleeping while typing and almost fell off the chair. The tiredness is hitting me more and more. Worried that I was going to faint at work. I need a break from the parents.... Later!

Welcome to the thread TakeDeepBreaths...you will find great support here from everyone as well as fun to break the seriousness up!! I hope we hear more from you, have a great day!!

Just saw this topic and had to start following. I'm new to the group but sounds like I'll be in the "Land of Nod" (where everyone nods in affirming recognition of others' stories). Pulling out my 12 step tool box and prepping myself for the long road ahead. It'll take me some time to read all the great info that everyone has shared, but I'm glad there is so much out there and so many willing to share.
Thank you!!!

Good Morning Emjo,

What a beautiful picture of that sunrise, the colors are very soothing.
The friend I was talking about is not my neighbor. This is a friend I used to hang out with during my single days, some time ago. You are so right about the balance, if someone is going to tell one some bad news. I mean we all may have periods when it cannot be helped, and a friend, relative may tell you some kind of sad/bad news, but this friend for the past mos., has become obsessed w/her own stuff. She's also a very restless, impatient individual and always going outside to look for something. Given her recent health issues, IMO, she ought to just stay home and regroup a bit. The last phone call had to do with, she drove something like 50 miles, (she lives out in the desert) on a Sat. night out w/a girlfriend to some place, that sounded from her description like some bar/dive, to hear some music.
She parked her car in back of a bldg., and from her description not a good spot for a woman alone to park her car. Well, some crazy guy just about assaulted her, and she had to call the police. She was stuck in her car, while this guy was pounding on her window. The guy had left the parking area, he was parking his car in that area she was in before police arrived. Anyway, the police showed up, escorted her into the bar, until her friend who showed up late, arrived. The plot thickens.......While she was waiting for her friend, she saw the guy was in the bar, dancing with a woman. Everything was o.k., after she met her girlfriend. But she still had to drive home 50 miles or more to get home. This story is on the back of several very high blood pressure stories just as recently, as a month ago. So, you see why on the one hand I totally dislike hearing this kind of thing such as an assault happening to anyone. But my friend is in her 50's, & I feel sometimes she doesn't use any common sense. You wouldn't get me to drive somewhere on a Sat. night, just to go hear some band play, especially if I'd had those kind of recent health issues. Anyway, this is why I had to stop and start applying the brakes w/this friend. She wanted to come before Christmas, this would of course mean she spends the night (of which I do not mind). But given that I know if I have her over here all she'll probably talk about is this recent event and other things in the same vein-NO THANK YOU!!
It's going to be 12/21/12, and right now and even to the New Year, I feel as if one must do everything in their power to take measures and be as positive as we can. I don't think the world is going to end, but things aren't going to be the same at least not for me. Hopeful and good energy for everyone to tap into is available if they want it, of course.
One can see all around us just how negative aspects of society seem to be surfacing all over the world right now. So at least w/in our inner circles w/the people we interact with more often I'm really trying to discipline myself at this.
A work in progress!! You hit the nail on the head too Emjo, when you wrote about being accustomed to being in dysfunction. This definitely applies to my friend.

Well I really hope for you that this move your mom has made will also be positive for you Emjo.

I was tempted to make a few tamales. I've made them before from scratch, and they are work. My neighbor, who is Dutch has her family flying in from N.Y.
So I may buy some ingredients; she expressed to me she wanted to learn how to make them. If I make any w/chicken or beef, these require more prep.
There's the green chile and cheese variety that aren't as time intensive, nor are the sweet ones. So I'm going to check my energy level and go with that. I was wondering whether you'd made the chutney, still haven't made that. Which thread is it that you and Sharyn are discussing Latkes, now that's a possibility; it's part of my husband's background. We forgot to get Hannukah candles this year, and it made me a bit sad as we do it every year. There was too much going on. Thank you Emjo, for the love, you and yours are in my thoughts!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

book - that is some family you have. Glad you finally stood up to them. Playing in the sand must have been fun. I would have been in the water! The "joy of buying gifts" -nice
sharyn - a grandbaby nay be on the way one of these days -great! I slept on the cold hard ground a couple of years ago when G took me camping in the mountains and the inflatable mattress didn't inflate. lol. I hadn't done that in years and years, but have many good memories of camping.

My parents weren't into tents, but my grandfather had a cabin in Northern Ontario, and we went there most summers, as did the cousins. We fished, canoed, swam etc. Many good memories, some of the best of my childhood. We had to get water from a spring, split wood for the stove, we picked wild blueberries, had porcupines on the roof, field mice here and there ( no worries of hanta virus then) large grass snakes, rabbits once in a while, and large grass snakes.

The best of Christmas memories for me was waking up with my filled stocking at the end of the bed. One year my father opened a walnut, removed the nut, put in a little ring and sealed it again. He was thoughtful with gifts. It was a great surprise. We always got books and clothing, and read Chrustmas morning I have one good memory from very young. My parents decorated the tree on the 24th while we were napping. then we were dressed up and allowed to come down and see it. It was magical to a preschooler. Norwegians (my mother) celebrate on the 24th, so we had a big meal then and our presents, which impressed our friends. My father read the story if the birth of Jesus every year -good memory too, Christmas eve was ham etc, and Christmas day was turkey in the British tradition (my father). I carried that on with my kids except they only got one present on Christmas eve, and the rest the next day, but I did ham, and then turkey, but lately not on the day, but when we could get together.

Nice hearing about how others spent Christmas, though, book, I don't like the way your relatives used you and your family. Your poor mum baking all those pies to get their approval, which never came.

We camped in a tent, slept on the cold hard ground...it was great!! One of the best experiences I had was the summer after my junior year in high school. A couple friends and I took an ecology class that included 4 backpacking trips in the Sierra's. It was a life changing summer for me!!

Sharyn, your memories of the holidays are camping. We never did that. The closest we had of "going nature" was the beach. Other than that, it was in a house.

Ours was the beach. Funny thing is...nobody really went into the water! I just remember us kids competing on who can build the best sand castle, with the deepest moat. Then adding water into it. We would find little crab-like animals with shells on top, and put it in the middle of our castle. I think most of our games were competing with our cousins. We showed no mercy! =)

Thank you Lildeb and Joan!! No I don't think my son will make it down, he has to be back at work on the 26th. This will be the first Christmas without both our kids. I ordered gifts online and had them sent to my kids. Usually we get them gift cards but this year I decided to get them something more personal. My daughter decided to make all her gifts for everyone and she has had so much pleasure doing it!! Things change when our children grow up, get married and start their own families. I just never expected my kids to move so far away from home. I have worked hard to develop my own interests such as photography, crafting and I have grandchildren to look forward to. My daughter and son-in-law are talking seriously of starting a family sometime next year!!!
Book~Those memories have a strong pull on our hearts and sitting down and remembering the fun times can bring on the tears but it also warm our soul. I treasure those memories with my family of origin and I must admit, talking about with all of you has sparked my desire to get the tree up and decorated on Tuesday when I'm off again. I also cherish our family vacations camping in the mountains. It was during the holidays and camping that my family came together and we had so much fun. Us kids could be "kids". I know this is why I love the mountains and outdoors so much. It is when I am in the mountains or the outdoors that I can relate to God and the wonder of it all.
Cmag~ Great news about your wife. Each day will bring about more mobility and independence for her and you.
Have great tomorrow everyone!!

Emjo--our xmas memories were exciting as children. As we got to teen years... My father was the only breadwinner with a wife and 8 kids. We got hand me downs from mom's family. We were the "poor" family of mom's side. They were quite the snob. They didn't like the man she married, and their feelings carried down to her children. Mom was a homemaker - in everything. She can garden, sew, cook, bake, etc... Father abused her, abused the boys, and us girls have no childhood memories. Sorry....getting distracted here with Memories....

Any our mom wanted so badly for acceptance with her siblings. Even as young ones, we saw the difference of how they treated each other and how they treated mom. How they treated each other's children and how they treated us. But, as kids we loved xmas because our presents will be NEW. Every xmas - we all meet at grandma/grandpa's house. We ate and took pictures - immediate family photos, then grandkids photos, then grown ups photos, etc... I remember looking forward to it. When I reached teenage years, I saw how they treated mom. Dad - I understood. But mom? Poor mom, even though we couldn't afford it, she would bake several large cakes and several different pies. We kids helped her. She would spend all night baking just to bring these desserts on xmas day. Mom had 5 siblings here. So, when we made her famous cheesecake pies (she had her very own recipes) and tutti frutti pies (own recipes) - she had to make 5 extra for each of her siblings to take home PLUS some pies for the xmas table. I remember having to beg mom to leave at least 1 pie for home. We go to grandma's and poor mom just sits there. Everyone ignores her. When it came to clean up time, it was, "Hey, Girl, come and do this or that." I and my sisters were the "Hey, Girl." We go to other parties every year but they don't even take the time to remember our names. I hated this. My siblings and I end up doing all the cleaning work. When I got old enough to put my foot down, I debated a long time: present vs. pride. Pride is important because our cousins were seeing how we were treated. And they too started treating us like dirt. Like one little cousin told us in that superior tone of voice: "I'm rich and you are poor!" She was ordering me to do something and I turned around and said no. So, one xmas day, I told the parents that I didn't want to go. When I spoke up, my younger sisters spoke up too. Mom and dad did go. But after that, they too stopped going.

Mom is still bedridden, and her siblings don't visit at all. It's been years since they came to visit. I still don't like them. Their mouth is very bad. At grandma's rosary, one aunty ORDERED me to say the rosary for the next night. I said no. She again Ordered that I Will Do It. I was getting soooo angry. My siblings stood there and kept quiet - torn between obedience to our elder and my increasing temper. I finally looked at Aunty and said that I am Not Catholic! That was the last time I ever attended a Catholic rosary. I went out of respect of grandma being mom's mother. But, the only good xmas memories I have is as small child who didn't see how we were treated. Xmas at home was better but not as exciting as gifts as Grandma's. But, I can still remember the joy of anticipating xmas just don't like to remember the reality of it. From age 19-23, I found more joy in buying the gifts. It was such a challenge to find a personal gift for each recipient. The more unique the gift, the better. That was my favorite part of xmas.

Sorry, didn't mean to rain down on anyone's xmas memories. Although we didn't have the love, hugs, encouragements like most of you do, I still have fond memories of the good ones that I have. There's always a silver lining in any sad stories. You just have to remember it and pull it out among the sad ones. HUGS!!!

sharyn (((((hugs))))) re Christmas memories and your dad's death. Will you see your son at Christmas?
cmag - wonderful news. Glad your wife is more mobile and feeling up to doing things. The more she can do for herself, the better.
lildeb how are you and yours, and how will Christmas be for you this year?
book ((((((hugs)))) re the memories

Cmag, I'm glad about your wife. She has more independence and you have less load to carry on your shoulder.
Sharyn, I know what you mean about past xmas memories.

Cmagnum, that is such awesome great news with your wife n its just good to hear wonderful news from others.

Sharynmarie, sorry about you losing your dad around a holiday time. He sounded like a great n friendly man. I know it cannot be easy when u cannot be with him physically. Yet you can keep him within your heart n I hope you are able to find some peace within your heart during this holiday season.

Changing the subject, I have some wonderful news to share tonight! After months since August of not being able to walk up or down stairs without assistance and basically a week after her arthroscopic knee surgery my wife decided to try and was successful at walking down and up the stairs to our house today on her own. She continues to walk using a walker, but that will go away in time. This means, we can return the portable toilet to the church, the rented transport chair to the pharmacy, and the ramp we rented to the mobility people this week! She even feels up to trying to attend church in the morning.