The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

scukitot,

Why are you hiding the truth from your father?

hi i look after my elderly faither who is 93 and has heart and kidney failure.
i have two young children and live on my own with my dad living next door.
i do everything for him
3 years ago our family a a major fall out which concluded with my sister and her niece not having any contact with my and my dad . my dad still wanted to see his grandson as he was not involved in the fallout.
my nephew has tragically died this week and i just dont know if i can and should tell my dad as it is over a year since we saw him.
any advice at all is welcome.
i jsut dont know what to do i am grieving for my nephew and hiding this awful news from my dad .

Stacey, cast confinement? Whoda thunk. Just keep that splint on. You sure want it to heal correctly and hope it doesn't become a life long problem. Watch your step.

Sharyn, very good to see you checking up on us.😉 Sorry to see your bro is having problems again.

Golden, you are ALWAYS so supportive of everyone. Now it is your turn to just receive from us all. Know that we understand so many changes for you now, a new little kitty or two will help too. Take it easy, I know it must be difficult having a house full. I have a hard time after just a couple of days. Thinking of you.

SharynM, nice to see you are still on the forum, I hadn't seen you post for a while and I hope you and your family are enjoying the summertime! I bet your gardens are looking lovely!

I'm So sorry to hear of your brothers set back! I hope he is back on the med here really soon!

Golden, little Pumpkin is Adorable! Another kitty will add that much more fun to the mix! I so wish I could have a cat, as I Love them, unfortunately I am allergic, Drat!

We had the option to adopt Charlie's little brother back in the day, a little tri-colored darling, but chose not to at that time as she was our first dog ever and all, but now we sort of wished we had for the companionship, which probably would have made it so much easier to leave her at home for an hour or two, so as it is we have spoiled her Rotten and Never leave her home alone, good thing she is a good little traveler and most everywhere allows us to take her in, in her little carrier! Whew! Plus, that I am a homebody helps too!

Enjoy your full house, and your time away coming up!

Incidentally, I fractured my wrist about a week ago, tripping over the sliding glass door sill, and yesterday I had the fiberglass cast put on. Everything felt OK until I about 6 hours later, and then I noticing several places where it felt too tight and is rubbing and painful, one spot over a bone spur beneath my thumb, one on the side up in my hand, and on the outside of my wrist, and no problems at the site of the actual fracture. Then overnight it feels like the cast has loosened, and is sliding up and down from elbow to fingers, as well as back and forth. So now I am having panic attacks from the confinement which is stressful and something I have never had before! Ugg!

I looked up "cast confinement" and up pops "cast clostraphobia" and BINGO, all my symptoms are listed, it's the weirdest thing ever, as I consider myself fairly levelheaded, and all I can think of is "I want this thing
OFF"!

So I've put a call into the Orthopedic clinic and they have said they will remove/replace this cast for another, but little do they know that I will be demanding a velcro wrist splint, hard cast be damned! I will promise them that I will be compliant in wearing it! It's crazy but I just can't take it, and God help me if Iever break a leg! Knock on Wood!

Just another day in the life I guess! LOL! Hope everyone else is doing Fine! ❤❤❤

Margaux, I am not in Ca, but just north of Seattle, and have only recently sold our forever home, and move into a Mobile home park in a retirement community, and we love it!

The earthquake was a 4.3 I believe, and not too bad, only lasted about 20 seconds or so, and a mild shaking back and forth, still it was the first I've participated in in a long time. You always think that "the big one" is soon to follow, but there were only a couple of aftershocks which we didn't feel.

I hope you are feeling better after losing your Mom, as others have said, you are never prepared, that is for sure. You take care now!

Golden,

Your little pumpkin is too cute! So he's getting a brother? How cool is that!

I wish we could have pets, but we have a horrible landlady.
A few people have cats in the neighborhood. They're outdoor kitties.
One in particular is very friendly with me, we've bonded. So I kind of feel like
he' s like an adopted cat. He's so handsome too, all black with beautiful white markings. His name is sly, and he is a sly one. Then a black kitty moved in next door. Haven't made friends with that one just yet; he's a rather skittish cat all over the place. But he likes to hang out in our front yard. He's all black, very cute.

Yes, Golden I agree we're never ready. It's been dredging some feelings over here about mother. Some I must admit rather uncomfortable too. Some as to how I wasn't the main CG, so yes guilt, etc. Now I'm having to deal with feelings towards the siblings and what lies ahead.

But for now I'm just trying to take a rest of sorts.

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Stacey,

I didn't know you're out in California. WOW! You're right there by the epic center too. I'm in L.A. I didn't feel the one on July 4th, because I was up moving around in my kitchen making coffee. But I heard my husband in the bedroom yell something out to me, "earthquake." I did feel the one, 7.1 next day. We were at an old mansion in Hollywood that evening, watching a show. That was scary because we were seated and could see some lights overhead swaying. But everyone stayed in their seats. Of course we don't feel it as strong I'm sure as you're feeling them.

Yes, I'm suspecting I could be feeling some fibromyalgia, or at the very least some arthritis. Mom suffered with it, so I'm sure I have some of it. Right now I'm trying to deflame my body. I'm even trying to stay off of coffee which is real hard for me. Although I did have some caffeinated tea this a.m., but that doesn't seem to affect me like coffee does.

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I will keep him in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Countrymouse, Gershun, Golden, Sharynmarie, Stacey, Glad & DDDuck,

Thank you so much for all the kind words and condolences.

Everything feels like a blur right now, yes surreal for sure! Mom having passed on July 8th and for us to have had the funeral already this Mon. the 15th was just too fast for my brain over here!!

I spoke to my sister yesterday, and from what I gathered our youngest brother had to be out of town since yesterday until this Friday. I'm suspicious this is why we had the funeral so soon?
So I got through the day of the mass and burial.
That problem brother, golden boy ended up inviting one of his alcoholic friends to the funeral. The pall bearers were all in place and the priest was beginning the service at the door of the church. The rest of us, family were behind the casket ready to go into the church. Meanwhile this alcoholic and some other man I didn't know were outside, close enough to us being very noisy, laughing and carrying on. I became so angry & popped my head out there and told them to be quiet that the service had started. Unbelievable!!

My husband isn't the huggy type of guy. He's very emotionally detached. The day we were on our way when my sister had called us that mom probably wouldn't make it through the night, I broke down and started crying. Do you all think my husband came over to give me a hug? NO! All he said to me was, that I needed to be strong for my sister. I know that, but I feel he says things like this just to deflect from the fact that it feels as if it bothers him to see me become emotional. I'm not like a big cry baby either. This is something in our relationship that I really do not like, his inability to demonstrate some caring.

The rest of the service went o.k. Of course there were some family members I'd wished wouldn't have been there. But oh well!!

Mom had a lot of lovely flowers. She was buried with my dad. So that part at the graveside dredged up a lot of feelings for me.

After that my sister arranged for us to meet at a restaurant for lunch.
Usually, we'd gather at mother's home for the after reception. But I know that my sister just didn't want to have to do the work involved to host everyone there.

That was very nice and my husband and I sat with friends from my past who I've now reconnected with. The wife is a friend of mine and my sister's and well we've known her husband like forever. He's very funny, and it felt good to be in their company.

Anyway, thank you everyone for thinking about me. Still trying to sort all of this out for now. Feeling a little dazed and confused for the moment.

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Apriljoy, the 1st years the hardest for adjusting. The 2nd year is the hardest for accepting the decline & what your new life looks like. If during those 2 years mom doesn’t get worse or you realize it’s more than you can handle & place her, then it balances. You learn to take care of them you need to find a way to take care of you. This forum is a wealth of information & support. Many times in that 1st year I came here to read & reassure myself I wasn’t alone. This village understands & gives well meaning advice or just a place to vent. Stay strong being able to care give for a parent & son is a blessing if you’re able. It’s also a blessing if you know when to say you can’t anymore.

AprilJoy, first off, welcome to this site.

I have been a caregiver and although my situation was not like yours I sympathize and I am sure that people on here with similar situations will be on here to give you good advice.

You are in good company here. Keep coming back.

SharynM, I'm sorry your brother is having such a rough time...I pray he is able to make a full and speedy recovery.

Welcome, April. Keep coming to chat with us. Many of us have been in your shoes. Unless someone actually walks in our shoes they just do not get it. Most times it is the denial. My twisted sissies just did not believe or try to understand how sick my mom was, their denial was easier for them.

This is my very 1st post! I decided to join because of my dysfunctional situation. I saw this thread and thought wow, this is the spot for me! I'm a new caregiver. I've been caring for my 87 year old mother in my home since November, of last year. 8 months now and I'm so worn out. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. My mother, will not do anything for herself, she expects me to do everything for her. If I don't she gets an attitude. She treats me very bad most of the time. She sits in her room, in her chair and only gets up to go use the bathroom. She sat so much that she got pressure sores on her bottom and still refuses to get up and move around. We live in a 2 story home, she's only came downstairs 3 times since she's been here. She's so weak now that a physical therapist is working with her so she can become more mobile. This will be the 3rd time she's had physical therapy since she's been here. I am her sole caregiver, I've never done this before and my experience has been totally thankless, to say the least. Her health is fine. She has this obsession with wanting to die and it's so bad that she is extremely depressed. I've had a therapist come and talk with her and she told the lady on the 2nd visit not to come back. She has medicine for her depression and won't take it. If you ask her why she says, because I don't feel like taking it, it makes me feel sick. It doesn't. I also have an adult son that lives at home and struggles with severe MDD (major depression disorder) and has suddenly, started having delusional episodes. I've never seen anything like it. It's so sad to see him in that state of mind and go through that. There's nothing you can do or say to get him to understand that, what's happening isn't real. Actually, I've learned NOT to do that. We have made an appointment to see his Dr. that treats his depression. But, for now, we walk on egg shells, hoping not to do anything to trigger an episode. On top of all that, I'm looking for a new home and preparing for the move!!!!
So, how am I doing? Barely, that's how I'm doing!

I'm very sorry for your loss, Margeaux. Just one week ago - how are you doing, are you taking care of yourself?

Margeaux, so sorry for your loss.

Margeaux, my deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. We are never ready for it. I am so sorry too for the family drama. It is the last thing you needed. Hope you recover from the pain soon. I know it well. The stress doesn't help it. Take care of you

Margeaux, I’m so sorry to hear of your mother. I know when it’s rxpected, it still seems surreal. Dysfunctional families never seem to disappoint with the drama at these times. I hope the service went smooth. I’m hoping you are able to focus on yourself with the loss and that family is doing the same. Please take care and many blessings for you.

Hi everyone! Just an update on my brother. He went back to the hospital about a month ago with gall bladder issues. They put in a tube to drain it (too weak for surgery). The tube perforated his abdominal cavity and drained there. They treated him with antibiotics for it. He is having mild hallucinations agains and now he can’t swallow. They can find no answer as to why. He is up and about with the walker and is talking. I assume he is getting nourishments from a tube down his throat since they can’t do surgery. I hope and pray he catches a break soon.

Back on the mood rollercoaster again. Mom was okay-ish until she called me back late last night. Oh, I'm so all alone...…….. While I do feel some empathy, no way is she moving in permanently with me. We cannot even get through 3 days without it being WWIII. And the fighting is all my fault. Yeah, I do have some blame in it, as I shouldn't let her digs and pushing every button get to me. I shouldn't react, but I'm human.

So I call tonight. Oh her arm is hurting her. I wanted to say well I had offered to take you to a pain clinic, but she had a hissy fit and wouldn't go (I had to cancel). I'm not offering up another thing for her. I've gotten her arthritis and pain cremes, items to strengthen her hands, heating pads, you name it. All used for maybe 5 minutes, only to have her say - it didn't work. She expects a magic pill or potion. I think she actually wants to be incapacitated so I will have to have her live with me (or so she thinks). I'd pay for a caregiver to come to her house before that happened.

The next thing she says we need to pray. Umm, ok? Pray that her landscaper gets out there soon! I just said let's be real, I'm going to end up having to do it. "Well what are you crabbing about? Your brother comes over here all the time, and I don't have to ask him to do stuff!" He lives within 2 miles away. He doesn't do any hard labor at all. None. He cleaned one spot on her floor, when she got a new appliance. I clean all of her floors, bathrooms, kitchens, etc., and I'm not told anything except how I don't do it correctly. That confirmed it to me that she's never called the landscaper; she wants her pound of flesh out of me, wants me to do her damned weeding and trimming. The fact that she made extra, over the top bedding areas, when this was to be a maintenance free living condo. They had an ample space in the front of the home. She dug out all along the driveway, all along the garage, all along the backside of the house, all along her property line, and then a island type of bedding area in the middle of the backyard. It would take all weekend to get it done by me. And, if I would happen to go and do it, that would be all I'd do. The end. No driving her to do shopping or eating out. Tough. You want this, so that would be it. I'd also have to do the inside of her home, too. Good luck with that. The gardening was her one big hobby, but it was not my hobby. No planning ahead, just thinking she could do it forever, or she'd have me do it. I don't even tend to my flowers much. Perennials that do not require much, and I have a landscaper who has been out to redo everything as far as trimming and weeding.

She then said oh I have to hang up, I can't continue to hold the phone (sob). It's a total guilt trip, and I'm not buying it. She can yak on the phone to the few friends she has left for hours. It's a ploy to get me to say something like suggest a doctor (so she can explode at me), or to get me to go there (doubtful again as it's going to be hot as hell this weekend), and ultimately for me to say oh come live with me (nope - visit at best - very short visit at that).

I honestly don't think anything short of her "getting her way" would make her happy and happy for like a day or so. She said that last night during her last call/tirade, "if I'd only gotten my way years ago" - how she'd wanted to move to a different state/region. It never would have happened as all she knows is her hometown (every other place I've lived she said was "stupid"), plus she's scared of her own shadow. She's brave when yelling at me or others in our family. Meek to outsiders. If she did move here permanently, I'd be blamed for her selling and leaving her wonderful hometown.

I dread every phone call and shudder when I see her pop up on my phone calling me.

Golden23

Pumpkin is just to cute. They can be a handful at that age, but boy, are they fun to watch! Having brother should be such a joy. 😀

Hi all I am not much good for support for others these days, but want to keep in touch. Between my dd, dgs, and the kitty, as well as wrapping up some estate stuff (which is made harder by the presence of others and a kitty who wants to play on my laptop), I am struggling a bit. But it is happening. Dd needs a lot of support for her situation and so does dgs, and I am glad to give it.

My house is a bit messier than before, but I can live with that. Dd is helping me with some stuff. I am sleeping in the basement where it is cool, dark and quite. I escape there in the daytime when I need to for a nap or just some alone time.

Got the cremation/burial stuff sorted out and gave direction for the headstone which needs to be cleaned and engraved.

Taking some paperwork to the lawyer when I am south to move that along.

It's a bad year for ants here so I have to get after them again before we go.

I had forgotten quite what maniacs kitties are. They must play!!!! He is extremely cuddly and social as well as being a maniac - lots of fun. Having a brother here should help to keep them both entertained. They can wrestle with one another.

Yes, gershun - my avatar is Pumpkin in the middle of an attack on the Kleenex box.

We will head south tomorrow or Wednesday. A hotel break will be good. Maybe R and I and the others, if they wish to, can take in an Imax show or two.

Things will settle down here soon, I think.

Hugs to all. Do what you have to to keep yourself sane. 😜

Glad, YES, both my husband and I were strangely awake at nearly 3AM when the earthquake hit, the epicenter was only about 3 miles from our house, and the second that things started to shake we both called out each other's names (I was watching TV in our family room), and he was out of the bedroom in a flash! It only lasted about 20 seconds or so, but felt much longer. A rattling back and forth, and sounded like a freight train!

Being new to Mobile home living, the first thing that came to mind was "I hope this thing doesn't fall off its foundation", but thankfully it didn't, and of course it is strapped down as required by law, so no worries! Lol!

Golden, New Kitties, how FUN! Hope everything is going well with the houseguests and You Too!

Cmag, I am so glad that you re-posted those helpful tips of Detachment! It just so happens that I started to re-read this thread from the beginning last night and came access it from the first time you posted it. It is Super helpful, especially for the Newbies who are only just finding this thread and navigating life cari ng for a Narcissist. I Thank you for starting it up so long ago, it has been a real game changer for me on my road through caregiving! Cheers Mate!

Margaux, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom, I know you will miss her.

So Sorry that you are also having body pain, are you in the Fibromyalgia Club with a few of us here, or is this something new, whichever it is, I know it Sucks as I have it too.

Hopefully as time goes by and things settle down for you, it will ease up some, I find that stress makes it worse.

For now, please know that I am thinking of you and you have my deepest sympathies, Take Care! Stacey B

Golden that kitty is golden. Beautiful really bright and looks like he or she is busy, busy. Have you named it. Its joyful just to see the picture.

I am still in good place. I continue to find surprises. Found freezer door open where my mother put a second six pack of water but could close door.l Everything is melted but was still cold. Twisted was upstairs in her room as usual. So I have to water these plants I started with so I try and get my mother to come out she doesnt participate in the watering and she seems to listen about coming back in. I give her her independence about it. come in and let her come in on her own.

I am still in a basically good place in my heart and spirit. I am learning not to react to the spiteful stuff and leave it in the Hand of God. Its hard to take the high road but it feels good when I talk myself out of stooping.

I guess I will always have this undercurrent of sadness. mourning my mother and watching her age. But what I am noticing is that she has started embracing her mental challenge in a since and know that she is confused at times which is great. I am so happy that now we can laugh and talke and "prance" in this dementia. When she was less challenged it was not a nice picuture so I am grateful to have this.

I guess too, that I will always mourn what my family is and that part of me that refused to see it.

I saw the surgeon, he says the mass in my abdomen is about the size of an orange and is calcified but they will not know if it is cancer until the do a biopsy.
I am not back to waiting for the biopsy of the thyroid. Nodules, maybe thats why I get hyped in a second. Surgeon also said they have to remove a part of my small intestine as the mass may be connected. If so it will be a piece about 10inches, he says 3days to get back on track. I dont want to be out of work to long but if they cut instead of laproscopy then recovery may take longer. I dont even want to think about the pain. I am also thinking that this pain in my left groin area when I walk or turn in bed my be related to the mass.I hope it goes away after the surgery.

We had a black out in NY yesterday. a transformer blew and blacked out a section of the city which included 42nd street area. One of the busiest areas and on a weekend.

Anyway, I lam not really caught up.

Rays of love and healing to us all.

Margeaux, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself. I hope the spirit of calmess I feel that comes with your posts is with you. ((((HUGS))))

Ahh, Margeaux, I am so sorry for your loss, though it is very good to hear from you. Yes mom is with dad. And crazy, dysfunctional sibs and grands be darned. Be good to yourself. Know that I am thinking of you. Take care of you, we have missed you.

🌸🌼🌿🌻 HUGS

Cmagnum,

Thank you so much for posting this! I sure needed to read this especially
right now!

Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

It's been a rough week for me. Mom's health has been on the decline for the last few mos. On Monday my sister called me and our two brothers so that we could gather around mom, as it would be the end.

I live a distance from mom and my sister (she's been caregiving/administrating) for mother for over 12 yrs. now. Mom was in late stages of All. My husband drove me down there on Monday evening. I was completely shocked to have to walk into mother's crowded bedroom. Our very dysfunctional brother decided to inform his 4 grown kids (mom's grandkids) so now they were there, in what in hind sight I wish would have been a private last moments with our mother. It was so distracting to have all these people, who never, ever took their own time in the 12 yrs. mother found herself in to come and visit her. NOOOOO they had to show up in the 11th hour. I was flooded with emotions at this moment, one of them being anger at having to feel like now my siblings and myself had to be witnessed by others in this very initial moment of our grief!! To make matters worse, that day my inflammation was at an all time high, I was in pain all over my body.

These aren't the only grandchildren either. So now our other brother asked my sister not to mention and make sure none of the four who showed up at mother's bedside mentioned they were there, for fear of the rest of them not having been notified about this. Oh Boy!!! My sister didn't even know they were coming, that was our brother's doing. The way I saw that was that, this was the way my brother was appeasing his own guilty conscience & his kids, because truth be told they weren't involved at all with any of mom's health whatsoever!

Anyway, mom passed on Monday July 8th. Next day we, my sister, youngest brother and myself planned her funeral. I'm so glad the dysf. brother couldn't join us. He did enough theater the night before when mom passed away behaving as if he were a reverend of some kind.

So tomorrow is the funeral and we opted for a one day event. No viewing, only a mass then onto the interment. This will be followed by a reception at a local restaurant. My sister has created enough distance between herself and especially one sister in law, and said she just didn't want her coming to mom's house.

I'm just trying to keep a certain attitude about me right now, in anticipation of tomorrow's event. They'll be lots of family who loves to cause drama.

I will miss my beautiful mother, but she lived her life and in a very good way!
May her spirit soar very high! She's now with my dad.

Much Love & Light!

Margeaux