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Margeaux, I laid down this morning some, but never actually fell asleep. I have had both of my nuvigil wake up pills for the day, but still feel tired or maybe my depression is returning. Yes, I will be glad to go home tomorrow and get this 3 1/2 drvie behind me. Our boys are having to leave today because of their college homework over the Thanksgiving break. Our youngest is still asleep after driving 8 + hours from where he attends college on Tuesday and riding up here for 3 1/2 hours, not to mention the homework that he has also. It normally takes two good nights of sleep to make up for staying up late one night. Thus, I will probably have much more energy for driving in the am. We will not leave here until probably after lunch.
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Cmagnum,
How are you doing? Really sorry about the greasy turkey on top of everything else you've been, on top of lately! My brother made one of those deep fried turkeys, that many people make today. It was nothing from the other world in terms of taste.
Please try to get some kind of rest before hitting the road for your trip back.
You have made it through this holiday, but I'm sure you'll be more than happy to arrive at your home. O.K., my friend be safe, I'm thinking about you, Much Love,
Margeaux
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Hi Margeaux~Enjoy that piece of pie!!
I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner today. I am trying to get motivated here but its not working, Lol!! I am wore out from work and my boss has been riding me something fierce the last two days. I suppose she will transfer me if she continues to not be happy with me. I am quiet at work but she says I talk too much and don't get enough work done, she works harder than I do and there is something wrong with that picture and blah, blah, blah. I ended up snapping at her yesterday cuz I just got tired of her tirade of criticism. Geez it was like being a kid again living with my mom with the endless negativity of my abilities. I don't use my time constructively, I talk too much, someone needs to take charge in the evening, this wasn't done, that wasn't done, why was Patsy late clocking out and on and on she went all day long.
Anyway, I am thankful I don't have to work today...Hahahaha!!
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Good Morning Everyone,
Did we eat enough turkey?
Well I called my sister a few days before TG, to see what I should bring for our dinner. At the end of our conversation, she told me mom wanted to say hello and passed the phone to her, which is quite unusual. When I asked mom how she felt, mom said, "not so good." She then broke down crying saying, this wasn't a good time for her, since it was her first TG, w/o her sister (died a yr. ago). Of course she was the total narcissist. But I was glad to hear my mom release some of these pent up emotions about the sister. I know mom is the kind of person who has always held back her true feelings. My sister at times has been quite dismissive about mom's feeling also, since she lives there and had to experience my aunt first hand. But my sister is very good also denying others the right to feel their own true feelings. Boy, but when she gets on an emotional role she really lets you know about hers.
Overall, the gathering went well. Of course my sister was way overdoing it again.
So after I made several offers to help, and she kept going into, "oh, I could do it myself," I stopped offering and became a guest.
My brothers kids were there. He has four. Two of them have 2 children each.
One of them, a little girl of 8 yrs., never says hello to any of us, not even our mother, the kid's great grandmother. Neither her two parents, nor my brother ever correct her about this. So I purposely said hello to her by name as she passed mom and me. The kid walked right passed us w/o saying a word. So I in quite a loud voice said, that she never says hello. My brother heard this comment, and was trying to encourage her to come and greet us. But he totally spoils the girl, even calls her princess. HAAH! I really feel this is getting way too old for this kind of behavior by any child.
Other than that, it was good for mom to see all of us together, and she even met one new baby who is five mos. old.
How things have changed from one year ago, when we were going through the Hospice w/mom's sister who lived in mom's house. This year there were two new babies, so that was very cool.
O.K., going for some more Joe, and maybe a piece of apple pie. Margeaux
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Bookworm,

Wow!! Now was this your brother that didn't go in to say hello to your parents, or was it his kids also? No matter who it was, this is plain rude!! But this I feel is also a product of this narcissistic, and materialistic society we've created. Also, there appears to be such a tossing elders to the curb mentality. I am very sorry you have to experience this, since I know you are not one of these kinds of people. But as they say, "actions speak louder than words."
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
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Hi Gaby,
It's anybody's guess why siblings and grandchildren would behave in this manner.
Your a wonderful daughter, that despite this behavior by the rest of the family to continue to do what you do. Yes, and it must have been a very revealing moment when your mom made this statement to you.
Since your mom declined this very late invitation from your niece, also speaks mountains about how grateful and honest she is with regards to you!!
Let's here it for sincerity!! I feel as if we live in a time where people are so not in line when it comes to being sincere, or real. You are right, that this has been a powerful moment for you. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Unfortunately in the US we are taught to be so completely individual and independent that when we grow up, get married and have children, we tend to only think of our own immediate family. Traditions are wonderful, comforting and bring about a sense of continuity, however, when we get married, we marry someone who has traditions too. In my case, both my family and my husband's family live 5-7 minutes drive from us. How do you find a happy medium when both families want their traditions and philosophy carried on with their grandchildren? I made mistakes on this and I have regrets. I can only go on from here teaching my adult children what I think is best based on my experience and hope my grandchildren are loving thoughtful people who will love and adore both sets of grandparents and honor those traditions that bring the most meaning of respect, integrity, dignity and honor to their lives. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with this issue and how to handle it. Hugs to everyone and may we all find happiness and thankfulness during this Thanksgiving season!!
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Well after being up late preparing for today's trip, we got here, ate out (some of the greasiest turkey that I have ever eaten-yuck), and now ready to crash much earlier than last night. Wife did much more this morning on her own getting ready. She survived the trip. I had to stop for some coffee to keep me awake at the wheel. This is my second week of functioning this well. However, I don't know how long this will last before I fall into another mood change into depression once again and want to sleep all the time. If this operation works on December 6th, we are looking at two weeks of being on crutches. We are both wondering how she is going to keep up our front steps after the knee surgery because she's not to put any weight on that leg for a while. We may have to have a ramp built and will really need one if she ends up with knee replacement surgery. I think that with her family coming over to the hotel lobby to visit tomorrow am, that I might stay in bed and sleep. We will drive back on Saturday. Unfortunately, the check engine light came back on my son's car and he goes back to college on Sunday. Thus, we can't take it back to the repair man, Thanks for the prayers, hugs, and support!
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Yeah, Book, it's a crazy world. The thing that gets me is that growing up, we always had TG together, and my mom insisted on it. I guess they got tired of it. I could have done without all the cooking today, but it means a lot to her......so I did it. No harm done. I mean, I may have eaten waaaay too much. But I sacrificed nothing by continuing her holiday traditions. It's selfishness, alright........and they didn't learn it from her, so why direct it towards her???? It's sad to know that they will have regrets (when it's to late) about something that they get the chance to change EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!
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Oh, Gabby! I feel so sorry for your mom. I can understand (somewhat) my family's attitude to the parents. We were raised in a very, very dysfunctional family. If I hadn't "found God" at age 23, I would have walked out and not look back. But, for regular family (loved, cared for, etc...), I just don't understand why the kids are so selfish. It's only me, me, me and me. They could have just visited or celebrated TG in the mid morning at your place or the night before. There are all kinds of ways of celebrating any holiday with their parent (if they did not want said parent on Their Holiday Celebration) by visiting said parent. You know - Compromise. Sigh... My bro and his family of next door - celebrated TG at our Front Porch but not one of them went inside to at least greet the parents.
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It's been about a week since I've been here. Most of my extra time (what little I have) has been spent trying to keep my mother too occupied to think about her other 3 children that really show no concern for her. We had a quiet Thanksgiving....just me and my mother. I never assume that we will receive an invitation, so we shopped for a Thanksgiving meal for just the 2 of us. It wasn't until late last night that my niece called and invited her to dinner, but she declined the offer. Mom thought it would make me feel bad since I did my best to make sure that we were able to have a celebration, even if it was just the 2 of us. I insisted that if she wanted to go, that I would gladly make sure she gets there. She sees me everyday......she sees them maybe 4 or 5 times a year. She told me that she wanted to stay right here at home since this home & this comfortable life that I try to give her is what she is most thankful for. Of course, I was in tears by then.

So we spent our day cooking & laughing. But out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with my children???? What have I done that makes them treat me this way????" I had no answers because I could never do that to my mother & I certainly didn't understand how my siblings could.

We blessed our meal & gave thanks. I'm thankful for being able to do whatever I can for my mother, and she was thankful for me. It was a very powerful moment for us.
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Cmagnum, I do feel for you n I do hope you n your family have a very blessed holiday. Look at that, u r their n able to at least try n help your son with the car situation. Also, that your wife can at least walk around a little bit with the crutches. That at least u have two sets of clothes that u have washed n r ready if you still decided to go on that trip. She is at least not going butt naked. I had to throw that in for you need to get a sense of humor with the mess you got going on. However, You are manage everything that crosses your path n that is amazing n I admire your strength n love that you are able to give during this time. Don;'t forget about yourself n take time to breath. Again, I hope that you n your family have a blessed n safe Thanksgiving. Smile we all love you....
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This afternoon, we saw the doctor for my wife's knee surgery pre-op. The surgeon did not back me up today about not going at all. He did tell my wife that she could walk on that sprained ankle using her crutches, but if it is not healed in time for knee surgery on the opposite leg on December 6th to let him know. He also told her to just use the crutches to hope to the bathroom in the hotel room vs taking the bedside toilet. Well, the pre-op visit today was not a total lost, but once he said what he did about walk on it using your crutches, I made sure to ask about the trip and about the beside toilet. My wife only has three outfits that she can wear in this cold weather with her left knee brace and right foot ankle splint. I'm washing two of them tonight so that all three are clean for our three day trip. Also, the doctor did not think my wife qualified for our insurance to cover home health care now or post op.

This morning, we had to get some maintenance work done on our youngest son's car. The EGR valve had gone bad and a transmissioin sensor that keeps you from starting the car in gear. I've gotten my Highlander some running boards and had those put on today by the same mechanic.
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Bookworm,

Thanks for the email and pointers about the Stress.
I really liked especially the last one, love chocolate!
Much Love, Margeaux
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This is a very big battle for me since I don't like confrontation and my wife like my mother is not submissive. Tonight's getting into bed problems made her wonder outloud about the beds in the hotel. Maybe she will wake up in the morning in more ways than one.

Rest sure is important and last night, I did not get much sleep. With her limited mobility, I got her some depends and a bed pad last night. Today, I checked out a bedside toilet from our church and rented a transport chair to help her in the house. Unlike last night, she could not get up into our bed tonight for it is on the high side and she is short. So, she is sleeping in the lowest bed we have. Our oldest son will just have to sleep in his brother's room since his brother likes to sleep on the sofa. What a day and week, this has turned into. Wew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good nite!
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cmag - scripturally you are the head of the house. It sounds like far too much to drive, visit in the lobby, take a toilet etc.. I agree that it is a bad idea. Your wife has a limiting physical condition - it comes to us all sooner or later. What would her doctor say about her taking the trip? Would he back you up? I think you could just say no. It definitely is in everyone's best interests. (((((hugs)))) Joan
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Margeaux, my wife will not listen to reason about not leaving home for Thanksgiving which I and my therapist thinks is a bad idea. We also don't think the doctor will go forward with the knee surgery on December 6th when he learns about her injuries on her good leg tomorrow in our pre-op meeting. She wants to take the bedside tolliet that we have borrowed from church with us to use in the hotel room. This is going to be a rough holiday. I guess that I could have said, well I'm not driving you there no matter how bad you want to go because you are in no condition to go. BTW, she talked with her mother today and told her that she and her sister could visit her in the hotel lobby while we are up there. That's great. :(. This means 3 days of eating out or taking out and bringing back to the hotel for 4 people over 3 days with two nights in the hotel. I'm ready to exploud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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oh boy, I definitely fit in here. I am the caregiver for my ex mother in law who lives with my ex husband. He is an addict, and she has dementia and is mean, mean mean. I got the job of caregiver by default, but there is no one else, and I seem to be able to calm her down and get her to listen. But I don't know how to deal with her smart aleck behavior and meanness.
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Envision since she will not help herself-call social services there are services available for those with little or no money give her a week or two to find other living arrangements and be firm she did not avail herself to the lifeline you gave her and will never clean up her act if you provide a home for her-you do not deserve to be treated like this by anybody.
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Cmagun,
WOW!! I failed to read the post where you said your wife had injured her foot on the boat. I totally agree with Sharynmarie, maybe you might want to talk to your wife about making a trip as such. This could put a lot of stress on her body, riding so many hours in a vehicle, no matter how comfortable it is. You're in my thoughts, Much Love & LIght! Margeaux
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My sister is the exact way, just not homeless. Years ago, about 15, my sis's husband passsed away. She lived in Ca. and couldn't afford to live by herself. I had a house with an extra room and told her she could live with me. Well, she got there and told me what to do in my house. I couldn't leave a plate in the sink, I needed to clean this or that. She was allergic to cats, I had 2. I got rid of them for her so she would be OK. I couldn't handle it any longer. I moved out of my own house and she stayed there. About 2 years later, I told her I needed my house back and she needed to move out. She was PISSED. I figured 2 years was long enough for her to save money but she had been on those shopping networks buying stuff. I guess she figured she would live there the rest of her life. She was and still if on SSDI. She moved out, I gave her plenty of time, 2 months. After she moved out and got her own apt. she ended up getting a cat. Then it turned into three. She has three cats and is supposedly allergic to them. I'm not sorry I helped her out but I'm damned tired of how she treats me now along with the rest of my family.
PS Still can't talk/see my mom. I'm at my wits ends. I guess I just have to let things go and know that while I had her live with me then helped care for her while she was with her BF, I did an absolutely wonderful job in caring for her.
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Sharynmarie,
It is quite stressful to do the running from family to family during Thanksgiving.
Yes, and once people have kids, I really think it makes it very tough on the parents and the children. I know my brother and his family used to show up every Thanksgiving, after they'd been to the wife's side of family. My sister in law would say, the kids were tired at some point, and wanted to have their own turkey for once at home. Their drive is rather far from both grandparents home.

Sharynmarie, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't have kids, but my husband and me have never made our own turkey either because we are always invited to mom's, and yes it's the "it may be mom's last." But I wish also, at times to make our own turkey, and invite some of my other friends over.
Oh boy, so you did this fifteen years, and your in laws were saying you kept your kids away from them? Please don't feel guilty about that. One would think that people might learn to behave in much more gracious ways, so that we may continue to want to go to their homes for the holidays. But I'm sure they never gave that a thought.
Well I'm hoping that you can continue to get the life insurance policy for your mom continued. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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My Dad live with me and my husband. My sister has been on and off homeless most of her adult life. Needless to say, it is because of bad choices she has made, and continues to make. She had breast cancer and just finished treatment in another state. So, I invited her to come stay with me while she saved some money to get her life on track. Well, if taking care of my dad isn't challanging enough, he and my sister, mostly my sister, have started treating me as if I am a child. My sister yells at me all the time, has taken over the house, tells me how to drive, demands that I take her everywhere I go. And has decided that my little dog is not trained properly, and she wants to start hitting my dog. I told her not to hit my dog, ever! She is one of my older sisters, so I guess she thinks she has the right to yell, scream, insult, and make fun of me. I don't want her to stay here anymore, I just can't take it. I think she must be seriously mentally ill, I really think she needs medication. She will once again be homeless if I ask her to leave. I guess I just need some encouragement. Thank you.
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Cmagnum,

I read about your plans for Thanksgiving. Isn't it crazy, how we put ourselves through so much stress for these holidays? This must be a tough spot for you, especially the way you've described your MIL, the narcissist. Then I am aware of your wife's health issues right now. I know, it's as if we feel obligated to say yes to people in the family, yikes! Well no matter what, take some deep breadths, and if you do decide to go try visualizing a lot of hearts and your MIL's image before you go. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi Emjo,
How are you and yours? This is great that you and Toonie can hybernate.
It must be cold your way.

Well I still have yet to resolve some problems with my email, have not been able to read them. Overall I've been doing o.k. The reason I had posted that I was not looking forward to the Thanksgiving, is because prior to the recent birthday party my sister helped her daughter plan for the grandson, there was of course the drama. Oddly enough, it involved the very same cousin who rode w/me a couple mos. ago, to the family gathering. My cousin D, was invited to this party and there was an rsvp. First thing was that D rsvp'd. Then she called me to see whether she could ride to the party w/me and my husband. To be quite honest, I felt a bit cornered by D's request to pick her up. She lives a bit out of our way enroute to where they had the party. But I said yes to that. Then a week later, I received a call from my sister saying that D had canceled out on the rsvp, stating that D's excuse was that she was going to her own grand kid's birthday party.
Well this didn't go over too well w/my sister. Actually, I thought this was rather rude on my cousin's behalf. She could have been way more general w/her excuse. Anyway, by way of these events, of course I started to feel in between my sister and D. They used to get along better. Recently though there's some rumbling going on between them. D's daughter, our younger cousin is currently dating a widower, who used to be married to our older cousin. Of course, this kind of news would tend to raise eyebrows I'm sure in many families. But apparently D, had shared info. w/my sister about her daughter and the widower.
He's a very nice man, is still included w/in the family even though his wife has been deceased about 13 yrs., now. I wish I could say the same, for the cousin he's dating; she's quite the user. D told my sister that he'd bought her daughter a leather coat, and that he was taking her on a cruise. Anyway, my feeling when the birthday party drama was happening, that my sister beneath it all is jealous of this dating-cousin, and of course it's put some kind of wedge between my sister and my cousin D, mom of the dater. Anyway, I did what I had to do to circumvent becoming the baloney between two pieces of bread. Now, as a result of that, I haven't been minimally in touch w/my sister. I'm trying to create a safe distance between us. But we will all gather at mom's on Thanksgiving. Since I'll be there the least I can do is, hopefully arrive there free of mind games, and just enjoy the day! Well, I'll manage, and thank you for asking about me, Emjo. Much Love, Margeaux
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I spent a lot of time today with mom. Took her dog in for grooming this morning, took mom grocery shopping, picked up the dog at 1pm. Then back to mom's at 4pm to go thru her mail. I took some of it home since it is junk and solicitations for donations. I called them requesting to remove her from their mail list. Sis said mom agreed to let her take over her checkbook and bills and sis told her she would have everything sent to sis's house, write out the checks, then have mom sign the checks so she feels she in still in control. Hopefully this will work out. Got the ceiling painted in daughter's former room, I see I need to sand more on those darn horizontal lines before I paint the walls. Progress is progress, Lol!!
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Cmag~I agree about making the trip. Talk with your wife about staying home this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her injuries need rest and time to heal before the surgery. I picked up a whole turkey breast to make later next year for me and hubby, all I have to do is stuff it and bake. I hope it works out for your wife...you and she just can't please and do all. Take care...Hugs to you and your wife!!
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Exhausted for we had a surprise trip to the ER today. Wife is in sad shape with left knee bruised bones not healed after 4 months along with a torn ligament in the left foot after falling down some stairs on a boat. Then today falling down the front steps while trying to go up and injuring the right foot to the point that it is elevated and in a brace. She's been on crutches and in a wheel chair for 4 months and now her good foot on her good leg is injured.

She has an eye test appointment in the am and on Wed. is to go into pre-op for her upcoming knee surgery on December 6th. Then, to top it all of, we are to go to see relatives for Thanksgiving on Thursday. I'm not sure we have any business making that trip.
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I've learned that my MIL has planned to set up a trust fund for both my wife and her sister to inherit from her with monthly distributions of funds from each trust. The plan for my wife's trust is to set it up in such a way that if she dies before me, the remaining money goes to our boys. I did not know you could set up a trust in that manner. However, neither trust fund has been set up because my MIL does not want the bank or that matter anyone to know just how much money she has which is spread among several banks. So, if this status continues until she dies then there will not be any trusts set up for my wife or for her sister. I'm certain that my MIL intends on setting up my SIL's trust fund in such a way that her husband will not inherit anything from it in case she dies first.

My dad has decided to split my inheritance between me and our boys. That's interesting.
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Sounds like it is worth a try, Yogibear.
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