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I called RAINN, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I was told that even after almost 40 years I can report to the police the fact that my brother raped me. I don't know if it will do any good but I think it will make me feel better seeing that it was never done for me when I was a kid. Also, it may give me some leverage to get the police to get his address and check on my mom's welfare. Everything else has failed so far, maybe this is the ticket. All I can do is try.
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Wow, you all have great responses. I know I was naive (still can be at times). I did not have an extended family growing up My mother hated my dad's family even though she never met them until 1975 when we went to N. Ireland for 3 weeks. She made a big scene cuz she wasn't getting all the attention...My mom hated anyone who had a relationship with my dad or me and my sibs. Back to my in-laws, they are basically good people, they believe that when their children married, their spouses were to become "like" them, especially their dil's. My bil is divorced and so is my sil. My husband did stand up to his parents but they got very clever especially my mil, at saying things to me when my husband was not in ear shot to hear. My mil would tell me all the time if I didn't do things her way, I was not doing it right. I never told them how I felt about their control but I would stand up to her especially after she told me I needed my husband to fight my battles for me. When we first got married and were living in an apartment, my bil (a year younger than me) would come over and visit. He talked about how his mom said my husband was the black sheep of the family. His family is strictly republican and my husband registered as a democrat, my fil made a career in the Navy, my husband went in the army. Both of these actions hurt his father deeply. My bil on the other hand did everything like his dad, went in the Navy, registered as a republican. When his marriage went down hill, his parents advised him to separate from her and not divorce her until the kids were 18, that way she couldn't keep the kids from him or the grandparents. What ended up happening, when he did file for divorce, he had been legally married for 20 years, separated for 10. He now has to pay her alimony until she dies or gets remarried because she is on disability, works part time for an attorney who pays her under the table. Joan, don't get me wrong, I know that fibromyalgia is real and painful, but she is on disability for fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, a lung allergy. When they were married she was too tired to clean, cook and take of the kids. Her mother would come over and cook every night for her and the kids. Come Friday night, she was out the door in the bars with her friends. She still does this to this day. If I were my bil, I would hire a private detective to follow her, gather up all the info they can against her, and take her back to court to try to get the alimony reversed. BYW, my sil's 28 yr.old daughter has only worked a total of 4 months since she gradutated HS and refuses to learn to drive. They don't believe in therapy, depression, etc. Again, if it were my daughter, I would either apply tough love or had her in therapy a long time ago. My sil and her daughter have what I call a symbiotic co-dependency. Enough of this. Hugs to everyone, I love the responses on this issue!!!
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You are right Joan and I probably did not say what I was trying to say clear enough. Instead of dealing with her narcissistic mother head on, my wife either caved in and demanded the rest of the family did to or tried to hide behind me standing up against her mother for her none of which ever changed anything. After years of hell on vacations and home visits via MIL, I set the boundary of her mother was no longer welcomed in our house or on vacations for the sake of my mental health and the mental health of the boys. At first, my wife agreed to it, but soon broke it and that twice with consequences that my therapist advised me to do each time, one of which involved taking the boys and myself away to a hotel while her mother was there. Two years later on, my wife stood up to her mother on her own one time when I was not there in response to her mother treating our boys the way she had treated her and his sister. Like I had advised her and the boys, if anything goes wrong leave, check in a hotel and then come home. It took one more response for my MIL to get it that she was to no longer stay in our house. When this took place she just left straight for home in the morning after the even that night. I encouraged her to contact her therapist right then because they can help you the most when things are fresh. She did and her therapist encouraged her to be proactive by writing a letter telling her mother precicely what went wrong, etc. which she did, but the first version was too tactful and her therapist encouraged her to be bold. My wife had never written her mother after a bad event, but we always got a mean letter from her mother after a mean event. I must say that I felt closer to my wife once she made her first step toward freedom from her mother and that co-dependent relationship. Things have continued to improve since that time in 2005. I guess what I was trying to say was the in-law can wish their spouse had more freedom from normally their mother, but until they become a team which includes the directly related person standing up, the freedom does not take place and no further sense of intimacy is gained, but in fact the opposite which had lead some marriages to breaking down which I know my MIL would love for both of her daughters' marriages. For too many years, I just suffered through the in-law, mess, but I reached a point where enough was enough.
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I think we all have made mistakes doing things that others expected of us, and having wrong priorities. All we can do is move forward. I tried to be flexible with my kids, because my mother was so inflexible, and expected everything, and everyone to revolve around her, in true narcissistic fashion. I respect that they have their own priorities and plans that may be different from mine. cmag - I don't think it is always the direct relative that makes the decision. I believe, ideally, in a marriage, both partners should agree on what they are to do - meaning really agree and be happy about it. There is a book by Willard Harley called "Love Busters" which deals with ( among other things) independent behaviour by one spouse. It has really opened my eyes. However, I recognise this is not an ideal world.
I have found over the years that traditions are made and sometimes left behind, and new ones made, as people and circumstances change. Hope everyone has the holidays they want.
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The sad reality, sharynmarie, is that in dealing with inlaws the direct relative must be the one who stands up to them, but too are so co-dependent are not able until/if they find the strength to do so. It can be a very long journey waiting for that to take place if it does at all without the parent's death.
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Austin - you weren't dumb.... just naive. You got married, and it was expected of you to do it. If your mother did all the cooking, then maybe you just assumed that that was the way it's suppose to be. My older sister did all the cooking too. She has recently got tired of doing it. So she stopped (except Thanksgiving because she just loves turkey, the stuffing and the cranberry sauce - the whole enchilada!) Unfortunately, when she stopped cooking everything (xmas, etc..), the family stopped coming. They were her outlet from a very perfectionist, nagging husband! When she got married, her husband expected them to do all the cooking. Now, she does all the cooking and he's "absent" from the scene.
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I know I resented cooking every holiday for the MIL even though I worked all day most holidays and went home and did the whole meal myself-she never cooked a holiday meal after we got married-why was I so dumb and let others dictate my life-dumb dumb.
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Cmag~Thank you for confirming what I felt all these years. I do love my in-laws but they were very intrusive. It is better now since my mil passed away and I wish I had had a better relationship with her, I know she loved me in her own way. :=))
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Parents and in-laws who see themselves as lords of the universe and expect to be bowed down to by their adult/married children are intrusive, do not respect the boundaries of marriage and do not believe the verse in the Bible that speaks of leaving and cleaving despite how active in church they might be. Their parents were probably that way with them.
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Joan~My in-laws see themselves as the Patriarch and Matriarch of the family, meaning that you do things their way even though you are married. I guess I should have been more respectful and did dinners every other year at home so it was not a major disruption for them. They could have the kids anytime they wanted, they expected me to bring the kids to them. All this was during the time I was very depressed, taking antidepressants/therapy. Hugs!!
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sharyn ((((hugs)))) it is amazing how things can get out of hand with holidays, and such, due to the expectations of others. I mean, goodness, every family is entitled to spend a holiday the way they want to, and I know it can be hard running around to other people's houses.
you too - cmag it should not be a marathon. I love your idea -sounds wonderful. I remember one Christmas after I separated from ex and things were going to be different, thinking that the real gift is Jesus, and the others don't matter that much.
austin - from Canada you are very welcome - glad we could help. Hope you have stress free hols too
luv mom - welcome - It may be very expensive to keep your mum in her home as her disease progresses, and I can see that the person with financial POA has to be involved with the decision, to make the best use of the resources. You may want to look into what will be needed. At some point your mum would need some one there 24/7. Does she have the resources for everything? There are people who have done it, so it is possible, but usually the person is cared for in their own home by a spouse or other family member, as far as I can see. It certainly would be good to keep mum in her home as long as you can.
closetotheedge - how are you doing?
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Cmag your plan sounds like a good plan-as for keeping the holidays more stress free-I am all for that-being together with family and friends to me is what it is all about. Emjo I have meant to thank your countrymen for comming to NY to work on our power lines-many were in my area of the state and they were greatly appreciated.
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Cmag~I like your idea of Christmas and Thanksgiving. In my husband's family, they had Christmas and Thanksgiving at his grandparents until his grandfather passed away. Then my mil took over doing the dinners. We rotated back and forth having dinner with my family for Thanksgiving, Christmas with the in laws. The next year we reversed it. After the kids were born, it got very chaotic and hectic. The kids were stressed from going from one house to the other and there was no enjoyment of the holidays. Many Christmases I should have stayed home because my son was sick alot when he was little, bronchitist, mild asthma. My mil would not hear of it so I would take him out running btwn. my parents/family and the in-laws. After 15 years of doing this, I just couldn't keep it up anymore. I started cooking at home. I invited my in-laws to come over for dinner reassuring them that my husbands entire family was invited, we could continue to rotate but I would cook one of the holiday meals for them each year. It created all kinds of problems and hurt feelings with my in-laws. I regret it now because when my daughter turned 18, they launched all out war against me accusing me of keeping the grandkids from them. I was very hurt because that was not my intentions at all. They are very strict on traditions. I do hope you can have Christmas and Thanksgiving at home, maybe start by doing it every other year.
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Moms POAHC has been implemented. I truly would not expect the sibling to NOT pay for Mom's neccessities including utilities, meds, etc. nor do I have the monetary means to do so. Thus, it would be a case of neglect.

Mom has repeatedly expressed her desire to stay in her home. She may have her POAHC implemented, yet is not so confused as to be able to obviously express her desires. Which, hopefully, WILL be considered for her living arrangements. I certainly would hope my wishes were considered when/if this time comes and not be thrown into an institution despite my wishes.
There is no place like HOME!
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Cmag - that is what my siblings do all the time. But of course, we all live in the same island - no 8hr drive to/from. But my siblings celebrate their xmas for their immediate family (whether early in the morning, or late afternoon.) Then around mid day on xmas - about 2pm - all family congregate at father's house to celebrate with everyone...xmas and thanksgiving is just a small barbecue. If we tire of bbq food, we make local dishes like ham hock soup or very hot stewing chicken (can't stand this - chew and chew and chew), etc....

How about you and your immediate family have that very personal dinner the night before xmas? Or order take outs and bring it into your hotel room and exchange Personal gifts and talk, catch up with each other? Then you and the family will celebrate again as the clan celebration ON xmas day?
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Hi LuvMom! I don't really have much knowledge but I do read a lot on this site. As long as your mom is still competent and No official doctor's diagnosis that she is "unfit or a danger to self/public" - Your mom has a say.

Depending onthe sibling who has financial control- does she have the control NOW or when mom is diagnosed as "Unfit"? If sibling has control now, he/she - if spiteful - can refuse to dish out the cash for your mom's maintenance/cost of living. They can say - "since you refuse to put mom in Asst.Living/NH, then YOU are responsible for all of mom's cost." I will only touch the money for mom if you do it MY Way. (I read this from one or two posters here!!)

Your mom, at the moment, has ultimate say on her life.
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Great to have found this site as dealing with a completely dysfunctional family.
I wish to be primary caretaker for my Mother who has first to second stages of Alz. Battling with siblings who wish to have her sell home and be placed in either assisted living, or nursing home.
She has repeatedly stated she wishes to stay in her home. I am POAHC while other sibling is in charge of finances.
WHO ultimately has the final word?
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What I would want for a holiday would be simplified and in my own house with just my family. For both Thanksgiving and Christmas meals, we could go to one of those places that fixes such meals for those who either don't want to cook at home or don't need to cook a whole turkey, etc. If there is a church service the night before or the day of Thanksgiving, I'd like to take my family to that just like I would a Christmas Eve service. I'd also like to cut down on the over abundance of Christmas decorations that we have and only have a few things out plus a smaller tree. I'd also like a reduced focus on gifts and how much we spend on each other and more focus on Christ and being together as a family for Christmas. We could do gift exchanges with relatives earlier than Christmas day.
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I am going to look at Ross today. I like the blouses with brown/black/tan. Mostly I see pink, blue, green with small spots...that is why I say they remind me of army fatigues. I like the zebra print too.
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just lost a post on another thread but will try here -
cmag -why don't you think about what you would want for a holiday? That does not sound like much fun for your son - or the rest of you
book - thanks for the post - I saved one off facebook about the 12 things happy people do differently and may try to post here later. I have a black/grey animal print wrap my daughter gave me. I like it and one beige/brown tank top, as well as a jump suit. You can find quite a number of variations of animal prints these days - zebra for example. I like the newer ones - more subtle.
closeto the edge - hope you get some help and do some good things for you, We have to look after ourselves any way we can.
austin -not an easy time for you I am sure. Just because a parent passes, it doesn't mean all the feelings go away. How are you doing?
sharyn - hope you find the right print. We all need a pick-me-up
margeaux -how's it going?
everyone -thinking of you
Toonie and I are semi hibernating - too cold out there at 23 degrees.
G and I are travelling east early in December. He has a business meeting and I have friend nearby who I haven't seen in years. We will stay a few days with them, and also make a trip to Niagara Falls, hopefully. I understand it is quite a bit warmer there, even though it is winter. I am looking forward to the break.
Love and hugs to everyone Joan
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Joan, I'm not sure what taking my own holidays would look like? Our youngest son is so glad to have an internship over winter break so that he does not have to go up to grandmas. He wishes that he had something else to do for Thanksgiving than drive 8 hours home one day, the next day ride 3 hours to grandmas only to ride back 3 hours on Saturday and drive back 8 hours to college. However, his car does need some repair which he could have had done during fall break which he did not come home for.
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I haven't seen leopard/animal print on jeans or pants except pajamas. Thanks for the info on the stores.
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This is an email that was sent to our office email. I thought it was appropriate for US caregivers!......

STRESS....everybody has it.

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all ..... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
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Book that post about stress was great-thank you for sharing it with us.
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Sharyn - I see so many animal prints at Ross, Kmart and even Macys. I can't stand those prints. I see it and see "old fashion". It's "In" now but when fashion goes, it will be soooo out-of-date. I do own ...1 brown animal print blouse - very obvious print. That's why I was trying to find more of the black jean subtle print. I think it's a great style - even if the prints go out of fashion, the jeans will still look sharp!

Thanks, Cmag for the info. I was feeling bad that maybe I put my foot in my mouth. Did you see the post I put in earlier from work about STRESS? I didn't have time to put it in all the threads that I visit daily. I only put it in YOU and Gross. I wonder if it will work if I copy and paste it from one thread to this? Let me give it a try. I think it's a good one!
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Book~I have been looking for a leopard print shirt/blouse but haven't found one that looks real. Most I have seen come in different colors and remind me more of army fatigues than animal print.

You all have heard the saying, It takes a village to raise a child...well, it also takes a village to care for the elderly.

Close to the edge~Welcome to the thread!! We hope to hear more from you. You will get lots of support to help you.
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Emjo –too many leopard prints nowadays. I don’t like to follow the crowd. The jeans that I bought is quite subtle but really pretty.

Hi, CloseToTheEdge – I have 7 siblings. For 23 yrs father and I took care of my mom who has Alzheimer. 23 years of not much help. I have friends – 3 – whom the family pitched in to help their Alzheimer parent or stroke-ridden parent. So, I always thought that it was just OUR family that was messed up. Attended my 1st and only therapy and still didn’t believe the therapist when he quoted a very high number on which families do NOT help with the parent. Then I found this site, and over and over, you read of different posters struggling like me and you – in which our siblings do Not Help. Last year father had a stroke so I’m now caring for 2 bedridden parents. Long story short – I have taken YEARS to get where I am in which some of my siblings are now helping just last year and one more this year – 4 out of 7 is now helping.

Can you tell us more background information? Maybe someone here who is going what you are going through will be able to give you some advice….
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I never thought in a million years that my siblings would basically abandon my dad and myself. Not my family..we were too close, too loving....TOO BLIND!
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wow sharyn -glad you got the payment in for the insurance policy. Also glad you did some retail therapy
I know the holidays are occupying many people's minds - lildeb - u forgot - I could do that!
I will be back tomorrow - a few more aches and pains getting in the way - arthritis in my typing hand now that the fibro has settled down - always something.
cmag -maybe time for your own holidays!
margeaux - hope your sis is not too overbearing
book - the black leopard print jeans sound great -I was visualizing something more startling...
looks like I will be travelling to Ontario in a few weeks.with G who has business there I have a friend there I haven't seen in years and we are hoping to get together -would be nice.
more later - Joan
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I'm glad to hear about the 60 day grace period and that your mom wrote a check for this month's premium. Yes, it would be great if you could get it put on auto pay directly from her checking account.
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