
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Yes, retail therapy helped so much!!! I picked up a few things I have been neglecting to get for myself.
Austin~You are such a kind person helping to support current caregivers. Don't feel guilty for going home to a quiet house, you deserve that and have earned it. The point is you are still giving of yourself and I and everyone else appreciates it!!
Hugs to you, Cmag and everyone else!!!
sharynmarie, I hope you found your 'retail therapy' to be therapeutic.
Lets all focus on happy thoughts and do something nice for immediate loved ones and ourselves. I am going to go buy some needed clothing...shopping therapy!! :=))
Yes, we go there for Christmas too. I did change this several years ago so that we would have our own Christmas day at our house, but that only lasted so long. Now my wife's reasoning is that she does not think her mother, in her eighties, will live much longer. Frankly, the best thing for both my wife and my SIL will be having a life more of their own once the drama queen is gone.
The best change that has not changed that I was able to get done was not letting my MIL go on vacations with us which changed back in 2003 after doing so since the birth of our first child back in 1991. My wife was so overly attached to her mother and so worried about her inheritance that she would not hear to her mother not going with us on our vacations although her worshipfullness, mommy dearest, borderline drama queen always created a scene. I was too tolerant of all that mess which I did not like. I'm glad she got her mother issues dealt with in therapy and I am glad to have gotten mine dealt with in therapy also.
Frankly, I've not really ever had much of my own Christmas for even as a child and a teenager, part of the divorce settlement was that one parent got me for Christmas week one year and the next year the other parent got me.
Well, there is my venting for the day!
Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin and Lildeb!
My mother had been wisely paying for one for years, but did not tell anyone about it and when I discovered it did not want to use it plus she had not benefited at all from the riders that she put on it for home health care and home builder care. I was so glad to learn that she had placed the premium payments on auto pay from the bank. While it does not pay her whole bill, it is good to have. However, that is another thing that my step-dad does not understand. Somehow, he thinks that this long term insurance plan is keeping my mother a prisoner in the nursing home. Thus, he is not helping support her financially in the nursing home at all, but he could. But no, the extra financial support has to come from her private accounts. His son tells me that I can't access the money in their joint account for her support because she has not put money in that account for years. I told him that while I could see his reasoning, that I did not agree with him for that is not how banks view joint accounts and as my mother's POA, if she needs funds from that account, I can draw them for her care which made him mad.
At face value, my Thanksgiving plans sound good. However, my MIL has never been that enjoyable to be around. She is 'mommy dearest' reincarnate. She has a very negative view of men because of some things that her brothers did to her while growing up as kids. It is a real strain on my wife for she lived under the brunt of her mom's rule more than her sister did. Her sister got raised more by her nurturing, passive, dependent dad who was the most enslaved man that I've ever seen. How his wife treated him was beyond henpecking!!! She misses him because he is no longer around to do for her. Needless to say, but neither I nor my sons really like going up there all that much, but my wife feels obligated to go. Our youngest son found a winter internship over winter break, partially so that he could miss the drama of such a dysfunctional family system that we always have to visit for Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Just like I have not felt up to putting a lot of decorations out for the fall and pre-thanksgiving, I am not up to decorating much for Christmas either beyond just a few things and and much smaller tree this year.
Love, hugs and prayers to all!
I also found out today my mom cancelled her Long Term Health Care policy!!!! I don't know if it can be reinstated, my sister hopes to find out tomorrow. Mom won't be able to get a "new" policy because she has a pre-existing condition. Mom told Helen (the woman who balances her check book) that she cancelled it so me and my sis can't put her in a nursing home. I am angry because her attorney's attitude about mom's situation was just...Oh well, it's her life. Guess what, if any of us could say, "It's my life" and not recognize that we still affect the rest of our family members is sadly mistaken. It's not because of an inheritance or lack there of that angers me. Its the unnecessary stress mom creates because she can't leave anything alone. She has always been this way.Anyway...enough venting, I have too much to be happy about and more things to take care of here at home.
My kitty has been under the weather the last few days, not eating, not playing. He seems better tonight...he ate this morning and little more tonight and was playing earlier. Hopefully I can avoid a vet bill and see how the the Tiger cat is tomorrow.
Joan~I am happy to hear Clay is home recovering. He probably is more comfortable at home with family!! Sending my healing thoughts to you, Gary and family. Fibromyalgia is very painful from what I know about it. Take care!!
Margeaux~Good to hear from you!!! Hope your sister doesn't go overboard for Thanksgiving. There is nothing worse than a person who orchestrates the whole day, Lol!!
Cmag~I hope all works out with your wife and the upcoming appts. How hard it must be using crutches for such a long time. It does sound like you step father is just oblivious to your mothers decline. I understand how sad it makes you feel when you visit her.It sounds like your Thanksgiving plans are made so enjoy the time with your family!
Lildeb~Crazy, Crazy, Crazy you are, Lol!! I hope you hear soon on the results of the biopsy. It sounds more to me like you have together girl!!
Well I am so glad that your sister is doing the Wednesday's visits with your mom.
If your mother is now in need of actual visits, rather than phone calls, this is a marked improvement on your sister's behalf. Real good, sure that time you told her she had to step up to the plate had an impact, the boundaries.
I still don't know what plans are for Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I'm kind of not looking forward to seeing my sister orchestrate everything again. I just saw her do this for her first grandson's birthday party two weeks ago. She just absolutely overdoes everything she becomes involved with. But we shall see.
O.K., Sharymarie, take care and don't work too hard. Much Love, Margeaux
I guess some of us have missing in action lately. I've had really weird problems w/my email account, and have had to sign onto this site via the internet. There was so much going on around the country last week also, w/elections.
Sorry to hear about your fibromyalgia flare up. Yes the weather changes! It's been making my sinuses act up also. But I'm trying to manage them.
I haven't resumed my family history investigations. Last couple of mos., seemed to fly by quite quickly, and I was busy quite a few outstanding issues w/our apartment, and the landlady. But I want to resume the family tree, once I resolve whatever is going on with the email.
I am happy to hear that Gary's son is out of the hospital. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. Oh, have you by any chance made the chutney? I have not, but should try it out. I thought that it could be a nice gift for Christmas. Well, that of course is only if it comes out good. O.K., Emjo, take care, Much Love! Margeaux
Emjo – my leopard print is black jeans with the prints even blacker than the background. Very subtle n decent enough to wear to work. Fits me perfectly....
I am pushing myself to get somethings done tonight which have needed to be done. I can't really say it was related to today's therapy session, but I'm feeling more energy too. I hope tomorrow is similar.
The more my mother's health declines and her dementia increases the more I'm finding visiting my mother in the nursing home to be very depressing for a day or two after I visit. I'm glad that my step-dad is able to visit her almost every day with his helper, but he must be in disbelief of how bad off she is to be as chipper as he acts when I visit him or he is on a more powerful "happy pill" than I am on.
That is pretty low BP. Have they adjusted yor BP meds? I think it would account, at least in part, for low energy.
Hope you have a good day
I saw my endocrinologist today, I was shocked to learn that my blood pressure was so low. It's never been 98 over 50ty something. The nurse said that was not dangerously low and wanted to know if I was feeling dizzy. I don't feel dizzy, but I don't have much energy.
katie -hope you are getting some help. I do agree with austin about being more forceful about your needs. That is harder for some of us than others.
margeaus - how are things? Have you made any more progress with your family history?
book - I think you talked about buying some leopard print jeans!!!!! Wow - never seen any. I don't know if I wouod dare. I do have a halter neck leopard print jump suit! I hope you are gettng some reliable help and more time off for you. Any thing new regarding your health?
cmag -hope things are good with you and your wife injuries are healing
I have been MIA - Winter has brought on some fibromyalgoa flare ups, and I tried some meds which are supposed to help - maybe they did - but I they made me too drowsy in the daytime. So I tried something diffferent yesterday, and hopefully that will help. As with arthritis, weather changes cause flare-ups with CFS/FM more snow again!. Another appoiuntment with the specialist in a week and not sure that I can drive, so better book it by phone.I am very thankful she is following up. Hoping to make a trip in December to visit a friend I have't seen in years, combined with a business trip G has to make. It will help to break up the winter.
Clay is home, and has a long recovery ahead. Can't remember if I mentioned that he is on oral drugs still as well as the morphine, so he will have problems again. I feel so badly for him. There doesn't seem to be a solution.
Mother is miffed as I am not giving her much attention. Of course she always sounds surprised when I tell her that I have health issues myself, and need to look after them.
Love, hugs and prayers to all Joan
Not much going on these days. Working more hours, sis comes to mom's house every Wednesday afternoon which helps a lot. Waiting for sis to make appt. with neurologist.
I will probably have to work Thanksgiving so not sure if/when we will have our family get together now. I may have to tell my son not to come up if I can't do the dinner the day before Thanksgiving...oh well it's the nature of the grocery business, at least I am off Christmas.
It seems like things are calm for everyone, I hope Gary's son is continuing to recover. Take care everyone!!
Thank you for the wonderful hugs. Well Austin, you did all you could, and at least you realize this about the fact you did. We can't control, nor do I think one wishes to, with respect to how people feel about us. But yes, this must be difficult, I know this all too well, in my family. Good for you, and I'm thinking about you!
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
However, I have seen some who posted their Own Question, and Other Posters (who do not visit those 2 sites mentioned above) have commented.
So, if you do all 3, you will hopefully get different advice in which you can choose from. Please give it a try.