The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,
Well you've figured it out! How great when one can not take things personally.
This is one of my sister's biggest pitfalls. Yes, I realize she lives there, but she's not w/mother 24/7, there's quite a bit of help. I have given my sister credit too, because I know she's done a lot, and is good at administering for the caregiving, something I feel she's way better at, than I. But she takes too many things personally, instead of looking at things the way you have chosen which is much more emotionally efficient. I'm about someone has to behave like the adult, and it sure isn't going to be mom.
My mom still can feed herself. She moves around much slower than she did about a year and a half ago, but w/assistance of a walker now. Finally she's realized that she can keep her balance by using it consistently. She still dresses, undresses, and can use the bathroom on her own for now. So in many ways she still is mobile w/in certain limits, but pretty good for a 91 yr. old, I must say. Her appetite is pretty good also.
Even the other night while I decided not to go through making her go to bed at say 8:30, or 9:00 because of the noise, I thought, oh well so she goes to sleep later.
But she sleeps a lot during the day. Sure I lost sleep that night, but it was o.k., I don't live there. It's good to remind ourselves not to make everything a federal case, or we stress ourselves out even more unnecessarily.
Hopefully your mom won't go losing more items. One day I was there and she and her sister had these small bean bag style neck cushions so one can lean their head up against the couch. My mom had her's and her sister's around her neck, so she had two. It was quite comical. Anyway, these are things that amuse me,
'her too, so she's participating even at that level.
I'm probably going to meet our newly appointed woman police chief in our city tonight w/my lovely neighbor at a town hall style meeting. After that I'll have some dinner ready for us to eat. She's a beautiful neighbor I have taken under my wing; her daughter ignores her. Have a great evening! Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~I agree it sounds like your sis has a power issue. I have learned (just recently) that I have to treat everything with my mom as tho it is Alzheimer's because if I let my feelings regarding her personality disorder become part of the issue, nothing gets accomplished and creates anger for both of us. I'm not perfect at this, I still find times when my anger flares with her and I have to leave her house. I can do this cuz I don't live with her and she is not completely dependent upon me at this point. During the colder months, I make food to take to my mom since she won't cook and buys frozen dinners. Sometimes she won't eat. Ladee told me she will eat when she's hungry. Plus I found out my mom is eating later in the evening. She is down to 123 lb, 5'3". Is your mom able to feed herself or does your sister have to feed her? On Monday, I went over mom's to look for some papers she had hidden, I found them the first place I looked, Lol!! She was also missing 2 key rings but I didn't help her find those cuz I had errands to run and figured she could look for them. Went to the store bought some stamps for her, brought the stamps over later on Monday when I took out the lawn clipping can for pick up on Tues. She had found the keys by then. On Tues. she calls can't find the stamps, Lol!! I went over to her house before 1pm to take her to get a haircut, she had found the stamps. When I got home, there was a message from her, she couldn't find her wallet and did I take it. I told her no, it must be there somewhere. Like I said, I am learning to not take it personal if she asks if I took something, and I don't run over there every time she loses something, she eventually finds it on her own. Every day its something else that is lost, LOL!!
Take care Margeaux, and get all those #'s you need by bypassing your sister on it.
Hugs to you!!

Thank you Sharynmarie for the online suggestion about those numbers.
I will look this up, because really when this happened last Sat., it also occurred to me what if I had a medical emergency w/mom while I'm there alone, and I don't have her medical info., e.g., insurance. Come to think of it, my sister has never really left any of this info., for me.
It appears from my sister's stories about mother's behavior since our aunt died, that she's become at least more vocal in terms of what, and when she wants to eat. She also shows more of her stubborn side. I'm sure this is so since when my aunt was alive, she was so controlling, that mom just gave her power over to her sister. Oh, and I do remember how my aunt was constantly ordering the caregivers around to do for her and mom. My aunt was so bad, that whenever mom fell asleep during the day on the couch she would wake mom up and tell her that she shouldn't be sleeping so much, if you can imagine.
Well this episode my sister had about the ice cream, while I do understand anyone trying to get an elder to eat food, before they would eat desert. I think this was really in part that my sister still has a lot of resentment towards mom, not only on account of some of mom's past narcissism, but also mom's sister's. I admit, I have some of this also towards mother. But I have decided that now I need to let some of this go. Mom at this point isn't going to understand any kind of other behavior w/ALZ. She's like a child now. It is what it is. Thanks to people like my dad and grandmother who taught us that we should care, I have chosen to look at it this way. Move forward, instead of getting too stuck in the past.
Thank you, and I agree that if one can make it any easier for an elder to cooperate, that makes way more sense to me, instead of creating combative situations, for what? This serves no purpose. While our aunt was alive that's all that ever happened over there at mom's house.
It must have been difficult for you to eat meat with braces.
Yes, we only take it one day at a time as you've decided to do with the attorney.
Good approach, Sharynmarie. Much Love, and Hugs! Margeaux

Margeaux~It is thoughtless on your sisters part to not provide the phone numbers. She is relying entirely on emergency services. You can get the nonemergency #'s online to take with you. I found it funny when you said your sister gave your mom spaghetti which she wasn't eating to well, then offered ice cream?? Maybe she needs to cut up the spaghetti like we do for small children so it is more managable to eat. I remember when I was growing up and had braces on my teeth, every month with I went to the orthodontist for adjustments on my hardware, mom would have bbq steak for dinner. My teeth were sore from the adjustments, she would get mad because I wouldn't eat. She did the same thing when I had my tonsils out. I don't think she did it on purpose, she just didn't think at all about the situation. There are no grey areas with my mom, its all black and white.
Joan~The attny. is going by the book and I respect him for that, we just didn't care for the way he treated us, his attitude was more like we were a fly flitting around his head, Lol!! I would not want to be in my sis's shoes when she takes over the finances!! I am glad Gary's son has the best medical team helping him. I know nothing on how pain meds work or how they affect the internal organs, other than vicodin causing liver damage. I know you are hurting right along side of Gary. Hugs to you!!!

Thanks for the recipe marg -sounds similar to one I have made - maybe a little more heat which will suit Gary. I find them very tasty and will try yours. I don't understand your sis's attitude about leaving you the info you need when u are there. As you say, she is a control freak. I too hope things calm down here - one thing after another.

It was a freak accident, Sharyn. He has the best of medical care (his brother is a physician) but I wonder if there isn't another way to administer pain meds than taking pills that ruin your gut. It seems to me that injections would be preferable - or a pump, but what do I know? His options are getting more limited. I know the lawyer is just doing things by the book, but it is very frustrating when your mum needs help and you can't get it for her. Many children look after their parents finances with integrity.

angel -what sharyn has said makes sense to me. It sounds like there needs to be some intervention. Is there reliable documentation of the abuse? I know it is more difficult when she denies it. Has she had an evaluation for her mental state? I would think that is important, and may help you to get the right things done, even if mum defends them, if she is suffering from dementia for example you may be able to proceed on her behalf. APS should be able to advise you. Good luck and let us know how you make out.

Thanks for the prayers everyone. I haven't heard any more, but will update when I do.

Angel1~If you suspect abuse, you should probably call adult protective services in the county your mother lives in. If you are able to use your authority with the DPOA, you should be able to start an evictions process regarding your nephew. APS will determine if there is abuse and they will also determine if your mother should be living alone. They will help you with the process of placing your mother in facility that meets her needs. It also sounds like you need to visit your mother to access the situation. Is mom legally incompetent at this point? Hugs to you, a very sad situation especially when you live out of state.

Margeaux~The first thing I said to the attorney was, "We would like some help in getting our mom to have the BANK pay her bills for her, she can't manage her finances anymore." He didn't HEAR that, all he was concerned about was that her having control to do what she wanted, which is fine under normal circumstances. He told us straight up, I would not allow my children to have any control over my finances. I know, as an attorney, he has probably dealt with many cases of elder abuse regarding their finances with their children. This is not a situation of us wanting to take my mom's money for our use, and it would literally destroy my mother if she were to get scammed by someone. We just have to play it by ear, paying close attention to what she is doing, and having Helen balancing her statements to alert us if she is writing checks to something different than normal.
Every year Wells Fargo sends out new insurance packets for the retired employees to choose an insurance for the next year. I am hoping that the insurance she currently has is still an option. Mom's co-worker, N, said she would talk with mom about the choices since mom still thinks my sis and I are 6 years old and can't help her with it, Lol!! I don't like to impose on N in this way because she has her hands full babysitting a ggson with autism. My mom has declined a lot in the last 4 months, and I suspect she will be incompetent within 6 months. At that time, we will probably have to call APS, and if they decide she can't live alone, even with home healthcare, we will have no choice but to place her. This not want mom wants in reality, but because of how things are set up with her attorney, it is most likely what will happen. Maybe I am dreaming, but I believe we have a great relationship with our daughter and will be able to trust her to act in our best interest with our finances. My mom's attorney also made it clear that when the time comes that mom is incompetent and my sis is handling her finances, he will be watching very closely to make sure there is no mismanagement of her money.
Yes, Calaveras Big Trees is in the Sierra's. It is very beautiful there. The dogwoods were so pretty with yellow, pink, crimson leaf colors. A ranger told us that they are not as vivid this year as Oct. has been unseasonably warm this year. We went at a good time cuz its been raining in this part of Cali since Sunday evening with snow in the mountains.
Well I have said enough about the situation with my mom, and we can only take it day by day and learn as we go along. I have to keep my emotions under control and out of the situation. Have a great week, wishing you well, and sending hugs!!

I have DPOA for my mom and DPOA for her healthcare. My sister lives two blocks from her and does not speak to her and has not for years. My brother used to live with her, basically drained the little assets she had, ran up a credit card debt that is now a second mortgage for her, and recently moved out. He never paid rent, paid for bills, took care of her, etc. There was verbal and physical abuse going on, but mom always defended him and denied it. Now my worthless nephew (like father, like son) has been living there with his girlfriend, has been in and out of drug rehab twice, and again, does not pay rent, there is verbal and physical abuse, they do not help with her bills, but again, she defends him. SO, now her memory is seriously declining, I am hoping to get her into a long care facility close to me. What are my options for getting these two useless individuals out of her house if she is placed in long term care? She has a mortgage and second mortgage. I sent them a notice to pay rent last week, each paying just $150.00 each to help with bills, but no response on their end. They bring pets into the house that they do not care for and my mom has to clean up after. I can go on and on. Two cases of elder abuse have been documented,but mom defends them. I am in another state, but I talk with her daily. She receives help daily from an aide (has medicare/medicaid).

Joan~I didn't have much time earlier when I posted. The accident Gary's son was in was a horrible thing. It sounds like a rare accident to have happen. I sure hope that the surgery went well and that something comes along to help him manage the pain without an abundance of pain meds. My heart goes out to Gary, his son, and you, keep us posted on the situation♥♥♥!!

Sallie,
How are you? Please first and foremost of all do take care of yourself.
You have obviously gone through more than your share.
Is there some way you can start to look for some kind of help, not from your family? A 24/7 situation with your mom is quite a lot for you to handle, even if you didn't have the health challenges you are currently facing yourself. Maybe your could look into organizations such as Department of Social Services in your area, for starters. You have come to the right place to share, and come back anytime! Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
I find that comment about your mom being able to live her life her way, interesting and even self serving on the attorney's behalf. Sure, this is after all your MOM'S attorney. But I completely disagree on the level that, well now I'm probably going to sound philosophical. As we all come to learn, especially when it's about caring for elders.....THEY NEED OTHERS HELP! The sooner the one needing the help can sign onto this thought, the better hopefully their life w/be also. There's got to be more of a cooperative mentality when it comes to this, as I've discovered even in my situation w/my sister. Yes, mom even though I've described her as not being outwardly combative, nor difficult right now, before the ALZ, she had already put many things in order as far as her property, the selection of POA's and all of that. We too had to suffer as a result of this, and her sister's awful behavior while she was alive.
So I have felt this playing out, especially now that she can no longer be in charge of herself. This factor definitely hasn't made it smooth sailing many times. So I understand the frustration you must have felt that day talking to her attorney.
This is the frustration I experience w/my sister...I'm trying to help at whatever level, but for the controls she in her mind must have, oh well possibly I could be of more willing help over there. But I know my sister has inherited the divide and conquer attitude also.
Well you will see, I feel it won't be long before you'll be writing in a different vein, because whether the elders realize it or not, things do change. I hope the selection process about the insurance goes well.
Is this the Calaveras out by Yosemite? If it is, this is beautiful country, I've been there many years ago. Much Love, Margeaux

Welcome Merle,
In many families this responsibility does fall upon the women.
I don't want to generalize either because if you read other threads on this site,
there are men who come here and tell of their involvement as caregivers are concerned. In our family we are two daughters and two sons. The hands on caregiving has definitely fallen way more on the women than our brothers.
My sister lives w/our mom who has ALZ. I go there to relieve her. As Emjo has suggested to you, is there any help available to you other than your brothers so that you can have a break? Many factors can make this difficult, and if you're saying your family was never that close, well it's hard to imagine that the guys are going to step up to the plate at this point, but usually this unfortunately is the way it plays out. In our family, our brothers were somewhat looked up to, just because of their gender, so my sister and I learned early on, our pecking order in the family. We too are older than my brothers so we had to take care of them.
Anyway, we are with you on this, as been there done that, and please come back here to share your story, because it does help. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Couldbeme,

My sister is too much at times. On the one hand she's very good at administration of the caregiving, since she's been in charge of mom for last almost 4 yrs. But she enjoys too much drama, and is a complete control freak, so this makes it hard when I go there to relieve her. She doesn't really know the meaning of working together as that would take away the controlling factor she so enjoys. Just curious, what's your "dilly," sister like?
Good, I'm glad you w/make the chutney. I've had this recipe in my collection,
but still have not made it. Well Thanksgiving is around the corner, so maybe it's time for chutney! Enjoy, Bon Appetite! Margeaux

Emjo,

I'm very sorry to hear about Gary's son.
He will definitely be in my thoughts! Much Love & Light to you & yours! Margeaux

Joan~I am sorry about Gary's son. You are all in my thoughts and heart.

EMJO: I am sorry about Gary's son. I am putting them in my prayers. I really appreciate your posts.
MARGEAUX: I know about sister's making you have bad judgements. Mine is a really dilly. And about the chutney recipe you gave Emjo. I really think it sounds delicious. Have never had chutney. gonna try it and let you know. I am trying to fall asleep. Gettin harder and harder. I bet you guys may be snoozing now. hope so. God bless you all and everyone. Good night.

Yes Emjo,
What I had written some posts ago about the sleeping arrangement, is totally off the charts! Well my sister did end up letting that caregiver go, (the one who wouldn't sleep w/mother). My sister was also saying that since mom is sleeping a lot during the day, which she does on the couch in from of the tv, this caregiver was also not wanting to cooperate to do like light housekeeping and was basically just sitting there next to mother watching tv.
Well, this niece is a case! She's there as I said watching her sister's 8 mo. old baby at mom's house. So this weekend my sister mentioned about her what a wonderful job she's doing caring for her nephew. This girl apparently has taken some time off from going to college to do this. My sister also said, that my niece had said, "He's my baby." When my sister said this, I said, "Oh, Oh," as in she's also going overboard, and I wouldn't want my other niece (her sister) to get wind of this, because you know how this could cause jealousies. I think this kind of attachment by the niece to her nephew is rather unhealthy. But you see, she has my sister to thank for this attitude, they're possessive types.

O.K., Emjo please let me know if and when you make the chutney.
I hope things are calm for you. Thinking of you, Much Love! Margeaux

Hi Emjo,
Oh you must have read my mind, I was thinking of the chutney just today.
Here it is: 4 apples of choice, peeled, cored & chopped in qtrs.; 1 1/2 cup cider vinegar; 1 1/2 cup light brown sugar; 1 large onion chopped; 2 tsp. fine chopped ginger; 1/2 tsp. red chili pepper flakes; 2 cloves; 2 bay leaves; 2 tb. spns. lemon juice; 1 cup raisins. Simmer on low, all together for about an hour. Wow, this sounds delicious, I think I'll have to get some apples this week. Bon appetite! Margeaux

Well I went to mom's Sat. to relieve my sister on an overnighter since she told me the following story end of last week. She called frustrated about mom, saying that one evening she'd given mom some spaghetti for dinner. While mom was kind of eating it, my sister served herself some ice cream. Mom pushed the plate of spaghetti away, indicating she wasn't going to eat it. My sister then said something like, "Do you want ice cream?" My mom replied, "yes." Then my sister said, something to the effect, "well if you're hungry for ice cream, how come you hardly ate any of the dinner I gave you." Then mom told her, "Shut up."

First of all, on the face of my sister's tactic to try and get mom to eat food, instead of ice cream, well, I thought this was pretty dumb on her part. My sister seemed offended by mom's reply, and expressed this and the lack of appreciation she feels at times coming from mom. But somehow, I thought the way my sister did this, was rather on the condescending side. To be quite honest, my mom in her ALZ, is not really combative, nor does she resort to these kinds of tactics as a norm. I think as I've written in the past, that my sister is still looking for that mother, we didn't really have the emotional. But she may as well give up this idea, at this point.

So I offered to go there Sat.
Well, mom was having an awake night compared to the last time I was there in which she slept the whole time. We watched tv. Then about 8:30 p.m, the neighbors were having a very loud party. They must have had a dj, because we heard boom, boom and felt the vibrations from their music for about the next 4-5 hrs. It was so awful. So since we weren't going to get any sleep, I allowed mom to stay up until 11:45. Finally I told her that we should go to bed. So I escorted her to the bed room. I then returned to the kitchen and called 411 for a phone number for the police. I had enough of the boom noise, and I guess no other neighbor had called to complain. Anyway the 411 was of no help, gave me a number which has been disconnected. I then began to search the house for some local phone books to see if I could find a number. But I couldn't find these, either. Anyway, I then headed for mom's bedroom, and tried to fall asleep.
Then, mom woke up several times throughout the night, to use the bathroom.
So hardly any sleep, but finally that noise stopped at neighbor's.

Anyway, next day my sister returned in the a.m. So I told her of my previous night. When I asked her if she had any emergency phone numbers, e.g. police,
fire dept., etc., her reply was, "Oh, I just have instructed the caregivers to call 911 in case of any emergency." But as far as I know I thought you're only supposed to call that number if it's for parameds, or fire dept. in an emergency, not for a disturbance of the peace. Anyway, then I asked her where she kept phone books. She tells me, "Oh, there in the garage." Well my sister has this garage so packed full w/her and her daughter's stuff, I wouldn't be able to find these if I tried. But my point here is, I became rather annoyed, that I go to relieve her for time off, and instead of being helpful, when I express I needed something while I was there, she's really no help. She really blew me off in my opinion, and actually I detected some kind of amusement on her part about what I'd experienced the night before. This didn't feel good at all, if anyone asks me!!

Then I told her about mom getting up 3x's during the night to pee. Apparently she had the urge, but when she'd go, it wasn't very productive. So now my sister informs me that mom had been having a UTI for which she'd been on antibiotics.
This too, would be nice to know when I arrive there. Anyway, I'm feeling that my sister is doing her passive aggressive behavior as usual.
I always tell myself, ok, go over there w/o judgments, etc. But gee, by the time I left, I had judgments, and they weren't too good. Margeaux

Asking for prayers for Gary's youngest son who just had emergency surgery for a perforated bowel. He had a head/brain injury a few years ago, and was left with very severe and debilitating headaches, is constantly on heavy pain meds, He cannot live alone, nor have a normal life as he is in bed sometimes, or throwing up from the pain all day long. The doctors have said that they can do no more for him, his stomach will be ruined by the meds within 5 years, and he won't live till he is 40. He is in his early twenties. Gary is on his way to Calgary to see him in hospital. It is likely that this was caused by the meds. It is very sad.

(((((sallie)))) that must be very discouraging for you, You say on your profile that you need a break, and I am sure that you do. Sounds like your mum is not well at all with emphysema, and being on oxygen. Can you get any respite set up so you can get have some time for you? It is too hard on a person to be the only caregiver. Your mum may not like it, but if you need it, you need it and should take it. Some seniors get very self centered, and they want what they want, and don't realise how hard they are on the one caregiving. My mother doesn't join into anything either, but prefers to sit and figure out what is wrong in her world. They can make their own choices. I have made as few suggstions and then left it alone. She is not going to change, ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

My mom is sort of a recluse and will not let anyone else come into her home. I have neighbors who have offered to help, but mom won't let them. When she was in P.T. a nurse was telling my mom about all of the events they have such as movie night, BINGO night and other activities. I asked mom if she was going to do any and she told me, why would I do that here when I don't do it when I'm home. I said they don't have activities down the hall in your house.

well, I will try to catch up -between my mother and my daughter, I just have to retreat sometmes. It is my way of coping.
riz you are right - the brighter the more difficult they are nice to see you joining us
marg -it snowed a heap yesterday and is here to stay now I think. Still waiting for your chutney recipe. Educated people can be kind and compassionate, I know some, but education does not make you that way, for sure. Sharing a bed - NO WAY! Weird idea! And you niece is quite a case, isn't she? Hope your sinuses are better.
sharyn - wow nice food from your coworkers! I understand the grievng seeing your mum decline. Good decision about your brother. Not much you can do about the legal things is there? Frustrating! Your daughter has a great sense of humor! Hope the insurance gets straightened out.
claudia - self preservation has to come into play. Good for you -you can't change them, only you. It is a work in progress,
cmag -hope your wife is healing from her knee problems, and you are doing reasonably well.
book -glad you have some more support now. You are such a trooper.
austin - how is it going? Did your sibs step up to hlep your mum?
alex (((((((hugs))))) repeat -it is not your fault - to heck with your aunt and uncle. I found I have to develop a thick skin to what some others think about my personal life, and relationships. You, your husband and family need to come before your mum. Hope you can take some steps to improve your situation, take care of you.
sallie Welcome. What a load and what a mess. You have to look after you. I have given up with my sis who won't lift a finger to help, but for years has had a free holiday staying with mother. I don't expect anything but trouble from her. Can your mum go into respite while you get the treatments you need? I see other people here who make thse arrangements. Let us know what you figure out, and come back and vent.
mertle -welcome to you too . Yes, many seem to have sibs who are happy to take, but will give very little, and are not supportive at all. You are in good company. Do look after your own health. Caregivers tend to put themselves kast , and then suffer consequences. Hope to see you post again.
sallie and mertle -sharyn has made some good suggestions.
Have a good day everyone. Still snowing lightly here and more forecast for the rest of the week. ;( I saw a deer across from the house this morning, took pics and put them up on facebook - emjo2002. The pics are public if anyone wants to see them. Love, hugs and prayers Joan

Margeaux~Mom's attorney kept saying, "This is life, and she gets to live it her way!"
I hope you are well, we are finally getting some rain here. We went to Calaveras Big Trees yesterday. It was beautiful with the dogwoods changing colors, we had a nice walk and I am sore today, LOL! I gotta go over to mom's to look for some papers she hid away. Waiting for insurance packet to arrive by mail to set up her insurance for next year...N...the lady who worked with my mom is going to come over when the packet comes in to help my mom decide what insurance she will choose...mom doesn't trust me or sis to help her with this (the insurance is for retired employees). Have a great week and I'll be thing about all you!!

Sallie & Mertle~Welcome to the thread!! You both have a similar situation with sibs not helping. My heart goes out to you both, unfortunately, this is a common problem. I have a brother who doesn't like to help either, he gets too easily stressed when asked to do a simple thing like checking in on mom. I wish there were some easy answers for you, all I can suggest is the usual which I am sure you have heard before, such as, can you hire a health care aid to come to the house a couple times a week, maybe your church has a couple ladies who would come over, adult day care, a trusted friend or neighbor?? You could call the Area on Aging in your counties and you may qualify for something thru them or they may have other suggestions to help you both out. Coming here and talking with others is very helpful and stress releasing so please come back anytime, we are here for you!!

Hi Mertle, Welcome! Oh, I believe you about your siblings reading your posts but not helping. If click on my name, you can read my profile. All I can say is that I've been helping father with Alzheimer mom since age 23. When he got a stroke and became bedridden, I really thought that Finally my 7 siblings will know that I cannot handle 2 bedriddent parents. Like you, that was a stupid thought. This past May/June, I became suicidal because I just couldn't handle it anymore, and my siblings were living their life, children, grandkids, traveling ...and I was stuck at home. The thing is, I chose to be a travel agent because I've always wanted to travel. I found this site about 2 days prior hitting rock bottom of my depression. So, I signed up and posted for help. And they helped.

Mertle, I found that the people here Knows what we are going through. They know that we are NOT exaggerating. And the advice they give are great. Not all the time but at least they try! I wanted to post more but it's midnight here and my brain's sluggish and difficult to think. I'm glad you posted. Take care!!

I'm the caregiver, youngest of 6 children, but only female! Most are spread around the country, a few a close enough they could help, they just don't! I have to text my brothers to remind them to call mom. I leave posts on facebook, about needing a break, still don't get one. I KNOW they read it! They seem to comment on other posts i leave. I expect it will be mostly ion my shoulders, but I still resent their attitudes. I don't want their lack of being here to effect my attitude, but it still does to some extent. We never had a close family. Guess i was hoping this would bring us together (stupid thought) Anyway, nice to know others are out there, and can get some sort of emotional support. I'm new to the site!! God Bless!

Sorry about the extras on the end. I'm typing this on my kindle and it messed up.

This is a great thread. I have 4 siblings two are estranged from the family one stole a massive amount of money while my father was dying. I spent 27 nights caring for my father up till the day he died. I had very little help from siblings then. I was thrown under the bus buy the thief. She convinced everyone it was me who stole the money. It was made clear later on it was her. I had a nervous breakdown over this. My mother moved next to me a year ago. I have one sister who "helps" when she feels like it. Most of the time I have to shame her into it. Mom has C.O.P.D. is on oxygen 24/7 she never drove or had friends. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on August 16th. I have been to more doctors and had more test than you could shake a stick at. I had a lumpectomy and am now facing chemo and radiation. Mom had C.O.P.D.exacerbation and was in the hospital for a week and P.T. for a week. Sis visited once. I was there every day and did all the dealings with the docs. Sis works part time three days a week and told me she only works to pay for vacations and to go out to eat. She is now on her 4th vacation this year. I have begged and pleaded for help and only get the answer of I'm busy and I can't give you time I don't have. We both have grown kids and I quit my part time job of 8 years to care for mom. Now with chemo and radiation coming up I'm worried about sis not helping.








then P.T.for a week. She came home a few days ago. The only sis who helps when she wants visited once. I was there every day. She




now on her 4th vacation this year. Sis works, but doesn't have to. She told me the only

Sharynmarie,
How are you doing? Wow, I haven't been on here all week long.
Well what you've described in terms of the meeting w/the attorney, makes things tough doesn't it. Honestly, for the life of me, I'll never understand how it is these kinds of legal set ups in terms of the law have been created. It's just so convoluted also, in terms of how and when seniors finally give their power over to capable daughters like yourselves. It's almost like some kind of cruel joke, just making people wait it out, kind of like waiting for the shoe to fall before something that makes sense-protecting a loved one. This aspect about the law, and attorneys really gets on my nerves.
I really feel bad that you had to go through this, and it worked on your emotions.
Well, sometimes whether we like it or not, this is how this kind of stuff manifests.

Believe me, I used to really feel for my sister last year while having to deal w/our aunt's craziness in terms of the legal plan she elected out to the end of her life.
Our narcissistic aunt was playing volley ball w/this POA, switch up, on her whim whenever it seemed to suit her.

Your mom doesn't realize it how good she has it, w/you, and at whatever level you sister is also involved. O.K., you're in my thoughts big time, and keep the faith, as they say, "This too shall pass." Much Love & Light! Margeaux