notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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It is important not to tell the person how he is feeling, but instead put his demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings he is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating his feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the person may feel that his feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the person or yourself. Often the person may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the person, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do.," "This is what will happen.," "Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later."
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the person is better able to hear what you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
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PUVAS
(use for complaining and/or blaming)
- Pay attention
- Understand fully
- Validate emotions
- Assert yourself
- Shift/Share the Responsibility
Paying attention to what is happening and what is being said helps us avoid making assumptions.
Understanding what someone is trying to communicate may require seeking clarification so we don't make assumptions.
Validating the emotional statements of the other person will pave the way for further smooth communications.
Asserting yourself is a form of setting boundaries and is a very important piece of the healthy communication process.
Shifting responsibility where it belongs holds each party accountable for their own feelings and behaviors. This can be in response to four different scenarios...
1.) If your person is blaming you for his or her feelings and behaviors
2.) If you are placing blame on yourself inappropriately
3.) If you are trying to fix their problem
4.) If you recognize that you have done something to contribute to the problem. see less
It is information on detachment.
This is clipped from coping*dot*org (Tools for dealing with control issues/learning how to detach).
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:..:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or codependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
Personally, in place of the phrase "your higher power", I put God. I hope this list is helpful.
There are two more things that I want to add that I did not write. These have more to do with relating with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but they are useful elsewhere.
(SET)Support - Empathy - Truth
Support refers to an initial statement, which indicates the loved one supports the person. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."
The support statement is meant to reassure the person that the relationship is a safe one, and that his/her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one is trying to understand what the person is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."
So adorable.
Just sent the form to the funeral director in E'ton and he says this is incorrect and I don't need it and the the guy from Ontario is giving me wrong i formation. I don't think so. The guy in Ontario has been in the funeral business since the Ice Age.
E'ton guy asked for a contact number for Ontario guy which I have given him. I hope between them they can sort it out. From what I read on the Ont gov website, Ontario guy knows what he is talking about. Oh well!!! I trust that they can get it straight.
On the up side, the financial adviser has things well in hand, and I heard today from the lawyer re dealing with mother's bank. I will go south again in a week or so, bring all bank account related items and a list of things that need to be paid currently and my estimate of what will be coming in. That leaves me with taxes to be completed and then most of the paperwork will be done.
The real upside of that trip will be picking up another kitty - one of Pumpkin's brothers. He needs a buddy to wrestle with. P is totally comfortable upstairs with us - doesn't stray into the kitchen or back hall. He does stairs well and leaps around the furniture. I have some plants that are potentially toxic, though none that are extremely toxic, and, as kitties do, he was playing with them and taking a taste. Well, that won't do, so I made up some dilute vinegar water and sprayed them. Cats don't like the smell of vinegar. He let out a large growl and shot off to the safety of the shoes on the front hall. I had to reinforce no plant tasting again today. He is pretty sharp so hopefully he will learn what he needs to.
As well that trip will include dd and dgs who will go to Fantasy Land at WEM as an advance grandson birthday treat . So it should be fun.
Take care all - build in some "you" treats!
The toxicity of this situation is killing me. Literally.
I'm not even sure I'll be able to ever work again now that the anxiety and depression has kicked in. I feel trapped. I guess I'm having a pity party but this 24/7 with her just isn't healthy and to her-it's business as usual. She doesn't know or want to know any other way of doing anything. oh, and while she bi^ching at me she's telling the dog that I'm scaring her (the dog) and being a bully, and she understands why she (the dog) is scared of me.
Her dog loves me, but I can see how anxious she is making this innocent pet using her as a pawn. Sorry, I just needed to vent. sighh
Haven't heard back from APS, I assume they have to complete a thorough investigation. Do they have access to financial and medical records?
Colleagues of my addicted brother are attempting an intervention this week and they hope to send him to me and have me get him into rehab. We'll see how that goes...just what I need in addition to the two demented parental units.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. :)
Where will you live?
I just explained to a good friend on here that I snap right back at them now. I've always tried to be the good girl thinking that meant letting people say and do whatever they please to me and just taking it.
Being nice doesn't mean getting walked all over. Why did it take me 57 years to learn that. It doesn't matter if everyone likes me. Wow, what a concept.
Talking to her the other night. She was all amped about the MLB All Star game. I couldn't care less. Third degree on what I was watching. Not really watching anything. You're so funny! (Meaning odd, not humorous.). Then she says well are you gonna talk?!? So I start in on something that happened during my day. She interrupts me something a about what was on her tv. I must've sighed and she got all nasty. She interrupts or changes the subject when I speak all the time. She said well I don't understand it and don't really care. Radio silence. Well are you going to talk? No you said you don't care. No skin off my butt. Well goodbye then! Yeah she hung up. No contact for 2 days now. Oh well.
Sealed the deal for me not making a trip there soon. LOL
In a way, some of my prayer has been answered. I was able to give up some days and have time with my family. However, the new pca is not performing at an expectation to totally satisfy me. Wash undone and not notifying me or the nurse when supplies are low or out. Instead of caring for parent, she is riding my sister and a neighbor to town being gone for hours.
Dad seems to continue to ride on me accusing me this week of putting mom against the sister living at home with them. Then tells the state worker I come in late and don’t do as he says. If he says do this first, then I should do this first. My clock starts as soon as I start doing work for them.
So after being put in a corner by dad and the state worker, I told them I’ll call my supervisor to resign. My mom was totally unhappy and I could not watch. Then last night hospice called, saying sister is requesting meds saying mom is fighting them. I requested they contact previous home health agency or come out and see for themselves beforehand please.
Right now I am listed as the main caregiver with hospice. If I leave completely, I’m not sure what will happen. Sister and dad may even get rid of hospice. So at times, I still feel mom and I are losing.
Shell38314 [I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her.]
Are you serious on the book? What about your siblings? If so, I wonder if we can give them back!!!
We have had a dumpster for almost a week and the house is finally done...yeah! However, about 5 days ago my mother tells me she has things that she would like to put in the dumpster. I tell her that is fine. Then nothing! So, 4 days ago I tell her that we are almost done and she needs to put whatever it is she wants thrown away because we are not keeping it for the full 2 wks. She then removes all her Rubbermaid tubs that she keeps in the bathtub (no we don't use it because there is no shower) and puts them in her room, which is small. Her bed is pulled away from the wall and her nightstand is sideways which makes the room smaller. You can't even get to her bed without hitting something or tripping over something. I just went into her room to tell her something and there is that mess! UGH! When I ask her when is she going to straighten her room she yells "I am going to get to it." Her bed is on wheels and is very easy to move and she is not that far down the dementia path yet. But I try to remind her she could fall and end up breaking something or hitting her head. She just tells me she knows and if she cuts her head I could stitch her up then I tell her, I will just call the EMT's and they can take her to the ER. Then she just says, "oh well!" Anyways, I feel like she is doing this to play some kind of control game. I never told her she had to get rid of that crap in the tub because my sig other and I don't use that bathroom. I don't know, maybe I am making more out of this than what it is! I just don't understand and I never will.
I read some book years ago that we pick out our parents before we are born, but I don't have the foggiest idea why I would have picked her. She lies and always has; she steals and always has. She loves drama and she is a horter. I wonder who is this woman that I use to call mom? I know dementia changes people, but seriously, I don't think I ever knew her. I don't think any of us did.
I just needed to vent. This problem seems so dump compare to the problems of what most of you here on AC are going through. Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
Amyjoy, I have been there. Both twisted sissies reported me to APS for financial exploitation while I provided 24/7 care for my mom and stepdad. One reported me for mom, the other for stepdad. Yes, they got their satisfaction by making me more stressed and SICK OF THEM. There was no exploitation occurring and APS closed the case with the statement to me that the reports were nothing but vindictiveness and spite. They found the care received was excellent and were very supportive of me.
The problem with twisteds like this? Who the heck knows. Maybe they know they could never do it, so how can anyone else? They don't pitch in to even raise a finger to help. So, they do it to make themselves feel better. There must be something illegal going on or we wouldn't be able to handle it? Are they relieving their guilt and feel these reports are actually helping folks?
They are twisted minds, not in touch with reality, then add in their narcissistic tendencies! TS1 would actually call stepdad, in a completely hysterical crying fit, telling him how me being in mom's home, caring for them, was keeping her awake at night, and twisting her stomach in knots. 😫😫😫 Stepdad could not figure out what her problem was. POOR TS1! It was supposed to be all about her now wasn't it? She is delusional, and a counselor by profession.😀😀
Well I continued to provide the care for another three years until I had enough of the two of them. It got to the point that each new problem they caused I would just roll my eyes wondering whAt they would come up with next. Then come here to vent and talk with others here that I now consider my family and closest friends, they get it! They have been there. Keep coming here to vent and even just chat.
My only advice with APS is to be open and honest with them. Invite them into the home. Show them there is nothing that you need to hide. Actually consider APS as your advocate even though they are advocAting for the folks. All they are looking for is that folks are well cared for.
Just try to relax, it will not last forever and the twisted sibs will end up looking the fool.
Best wishes to you, I know how hard it is.
So here is the deal, he say she contacted him approx 3 weeks ago. did they do the work because of his contact?! Well luckly he did because me or my mother would have been in the basement if the beam had collapsed. I would have been one of those unsolved mysteries cause they would have left me down there for a good while!!
So anyway he comes and says in a nutshell what I complained about. The sink drain was clogged, and anyone with decency and spending money on repairs will go ahead and make whole place look decent, spending thousands how much more would you charge me to plaster this little place and go over that spot so it look like I spent this kind of money. We got the cheepest toilet........
I had no idea he was in touch and I got a little upset because if he falls for their antics my cause for my mother is lost. Thus his contact is why my sister has been changing my mother's clothes every week or so. I thought it was because I told her she had two sons and she listens to her that it was the least she could do.
Anyways the Mr. G told me not to make it about me. because I got upset when she told him my mother dint need a home attendant that I was there until 4pm and she comes in at 4. How can she even put me in the equation when there is no contact with me, no communications, and especially when they claim I dont do anything for my mother. Then lie, because as I told him I have to sleep to work and I feed her and make a bee line up stairs to sleep which is often broken by knocking. And that she comes in and goes straight up stair. I just hope the truth is established and dealt with in this matter.
Anyways, he assured me these things take time. he has approval from his supervisor and would be filing the court papers before he leaves for vacation the end of July. my sister responding to him delayed this process. But his finding to day was that repairs are needed. I guess its obvious what going on and like someone on forum use to say a lot. I am going to have to keep my shut and my emotions in check. I cry from frustration and the backlog of spite and vindictiviness. it all comes very easy. I get scared I think its going to go downhill and that this is going to blow over like all the other wrongs and then I start the self doubt. So now I realize how I need to check my self especially if we go to court. My twisted has already contradicted herself first saying to the meals on wheels that I dont care dont dont do anything then to this man that my mother is in my care all day to 4pm. On top of which she has me blocked for her care or medical information - Whew!!!'
But the bottom line is that my prayers are being answere and twisted and nephew are now answering to an authority and not doing to well in addressing issue. So I do expect retaliation just didnt realize they were in contact with APS , they are being checked and that is most important after being checked about my mothers care.
Prayer works. Praise God!! and even though I am tired, I still feel good. I see surgeon in am. He is an oncology surgeon but thank goodness just a surgeon to me.
Rays of love and light and goodness to us all.
I finally had a much overdue orthopedic consult today. I’ve had three surgeries on left hip, now artificial, twenty years ago. Now, same birth defect on right hip, osteoarthritis destroying all my joints. I need right hip and both knees replaced, bone on bone, nothing they can do for me outside of replacing the joints. He does not do back, hands, or other joints; just hips and knees. So, I’m having to do the hip first, then one knee at a time. Spine also collapsing. Depending on how the surgery and recuperation go, might take one to one and a half years to do three joint replacements. The orthopedic docs can’t handle the current surgery load, as all the older people who have failed joints aren’t permitted pain medication anymore. Now surgery is our only option, when it’s bone on bone and we aren’t allowed pain relief. So, I saw the PA today, after a four month wait, couldn’t even see a doctor. Now I will have to wait months for an appointment with the doctor himself, then schedule the hip replacement. I’m in so much pain. Cried as I was trying to pull my body up into the truck, did my errands, picked up meds at pharmacy, had to hand deliver a piece of sensitive mail to the post office counter. I simply can’t walk.
So, hubs asks where I went, when I came home, as he slept the day away, didn’t remember I had an important doctor appointment today. He complained at dinner that he’s tired of me being in poor health all these years, wishes I was gone. It was okay for me to take care of him during cancer workup, surgery, giving him sponge baths, fixing and delivering meals bedside. But when I need help, he doesn’t want to help me. Shameful, but a very common male selfishness, bailing when the wife can no longer wait on them. I know not all men are like this but geez, I have three weight-bearing joints I must have replaced, and he won’t load the dishwasher after I did pet care, cooked, washed laundry....,I’m disgusted with the selfishness, the balls to say that to me. And I told him so. Of course, he decided to verbally abuse me, so I’m now in bed, TV on, and computer and phone. Obviously I better not count on him to bring me a sandwich or mix my liver medicine twice a day post-op, til I am able to move from walker to cane, so I have at least a free hand for cooking and laundry. And being my right hip, I’m not going to be driving for awhile after two of the surgeries.
I'm just so disgusted with abusive family members.
Or your suspicions might be dead right; but in that case you want all the info to hand before you decide what to do about it.
What have APS said?
I'm so sorry you think that a family member would call APS. It could as well have been the letter carrier. Or mom's doctor.
Do your sisters have a plan for how mom would pay for MC? Is someone looking into Medicaid?
Today came down to find my mother telling to go in the kitchen. She had a nice set up with big bowl of (MY) ice in center of table set with plates and cups of ice with the tray from a mcdonalds big meal. Pieces of pancake and sausafges and the sandwich my twisted leave (sauase and egg, I dont know where she gets thm but they are hard as rocks) . Anyway my mother was in the service or entertainment mode.I was glad that I woke up early to do damage control to my room and get a head start on feeding her., Well it was obvious her busy streak is still in effect.
So I go check mail land taped over a strip of paper that I typed that someone had left the door open was a cut out slip of adverstisement for brooklyn apartments.
So well I am thankful that I have been listening to this linkhttps://youtu.be/2SreV1c0zDE . I subscribed and I had just listen to the one on spiteful behavior.
So meanwhile the sink in the bathroom was close to overflooding and there is so much in this house that needs more than foucusing on doing ignorant things. I mean I didnt respond but there is so much attached to this jesture. and I feel like the nerve!! This is a policeofficer now I cant say what triggered this because it could be anything that is positive and effetive. So I am so glad I stay in prayer, maybe not as much as I should but I am in for the real and for the long run.
So glad I didnt feed into it. Then I met a lady I ride bus with on way to work. She had called me over weekend so sad that she is hearing her sister is deteriorating seriously mentally. So I didnt say but I was feeling like she treated you like crap all your life blame similar situation as mine. So when I saw her I was like "you have such a beautiful heart to cry over the demise of someone who mistreated you so badly over and over" But she ended up say the same to me as I hear this woman say over and over same themes. Sometimes God puts people in our lives or puts us in situation that help us grow.
So again and I dont think I will ever tire of saying how I donth think it was a coincidnence that I ended up on this forum. Its is awesome and has helped me in so many ways that its hard to express.
Today I thought "still I rise." something I will never forget that was communicated to me by a special person in the forum. Those words bring me back to earth and stomps out the need to retaliated and lowere my standards in responding to spite and vindictiveness.
So happy learning, growing and healing and keep rising.
Rays of love peace and happiness.
I also got her out in the front yard, she refused to take of the old wig. When we came it I took the wig off, it was tangled in her hair. It went smoothly, I brush her hair and cut out clumps. She still refuses wash but it looked good. When we went out second time the next day she didnt want to come in, telling me to go on ahead. I explained I couldnt leave her because she might wander off. It was hard to get her in but what worked was letting it look like she came in on her own. Her independence is important and I try to repect that.
I dont know how to explain this but I dont think I will ever get used to this situation. Sometimes its a pain to wake up knowing if I dont do something for my mother then it wont get done. So I am often on a mission to figure something to fix for her appetite.
Then theire is the frustration of when she goes off. She has moments where she upturns,every single space in the cabinet in a draw with a serious fixtation.
So sometimes before I start my day toshop cook and do laundry I have a horrible mess to clean up.
She likes icecream so I bought the gallon and then some peach turnovers. Well today the icecream was on table melted and and the container of turnovers wet and soggy. So glad the ants didnt find it.
The day before I foun gritts all over floor in front of fridge, all in the freezr on therubber around the doors on shelves and layer the whole sink. Its was hot, I was exhuasted. Plus She had put old food in bags in the fridge, old stuff I thought my sister was throwing out.
I just dont understand how they just walk past and dont investigate.
But everytime I feel the frustration build up, I look at her and realize that one day she will be gone and I will wish I could clean up or feed her. I rub her neck and kiss her a lot. I try to make her feel loved still feel as if I am trying to prove my self somethimes but I try to let her know that who she is okay with me.
So I let her take the screen out the window and play with it for a while. She has to check the basement and wouldnt rest because she kept fiddling with the lock which wasnt locked. I kept calling her from going down and then she ask if someone was down ther. She didnt rest untill she got down there and saw for her self. Then I put a screwdriver where a padlock would go so it couldnt be opened and she was satisfied.
Golden the kitten story sounds wonderul, as well as the landscaping. I could picture him sleeping on your neck while you were driving. Those sounded like kodak moments. LOL
Redclay, I have similar thoughts about that special place....
Well much love and Rays of joy and light to all.
Some of my favorite series is returning, stranger things and Harlot is coming on later in week. I have also been catching up on Gotham I had stopped watching it.
Smile :)
Today was a good day, I only had to ask one question re the linen . I do remember to thank those who trying their best, and to thank God for those who actually help.
Working on my thought life re siblings, family, and myself
I must admit that many days my thoughts lean to wishing that there must be a special place, that is very,very, hot, reserved for those who abuse and mistreat our elder population.
Sissisu - Good for you, keep up those boundaries!
Golden - "sleeve full of kitten"... thats adorable! Nice to hear things are going well with your expanded household. Having loving family around is a blessing for sure.
Today is a big scary day, I will explain... Mom only has two weeks left in rehab and AL requires proof that my parents house is on the market before they will assign both my parents living quarters. Dad is there now, in a Memory unit, but it took every last cent of my parents money to sign him on. I don't know any more of the particulars. Sis can be very vague.
Anyway today Sis is taking Mom to a Dr. appointment and is planning to have Mom sign the realtors agreement for selling the house while they are out. Mind you Mom has no clue the house is being cleaned out and sold. She is already loaded for bear because she thinks Dad moved out of the rehab without her to go live with friends. She is paranoid, confused and delusional.
When I visit Mom I usually spend my time trying to de-escalate her agitation and re-direct her thinking. It takes some effort but she does calm down. Thank goodness for her psych meds. That was not possible before.
Sis wants to do this on her own and, for today, I am perfectly happy with that. Fingers crossed all Hades does not break loose!
Brother was to take her out to lunch today. She said where they were going - place that also has a buffet she loves. He supposedly checked, and they said yes, salad bar was going to be up and running today. I almost said, well he'd better check about the buffet, as I'd attempted to take her there on another holiday, and buffet was not offered (not a big crowd on holiday - they get a lot of traffic for workday lunches).
I call after her 'big day' was to be done, thinking she'd be in a good mood. Nope. Buffet was closed. Brother took her to a store that was open, then I'm sure he asked where she wanted to go. I am absolutely certain she pouted, as that is her way. He ended up getting her carryout, which I am sure she said was fine. Except it was not. He dropped her off at her house and went on his way. I actually do not blame him, as I'm sure he saw she was going into a dark, foul mood.
She's half crying when I call her. Oh, her life has been hell, just hell. She never should have been born! Then we go through her 'greatest hits', every wrong, real or imagined, she has to tell me about. It's like verbal diarrhea. I just kept the phone on mute and low.
Then she gets her in accusatory mood - what are you doing, have you eaten, are YOU going out? Cleaning (not really), not really eaten (true), and no I'm staying put. She grouses on for about 30 minutes or so. Did you get that fixed? (Partially - again not really but not wanting to hear how lazy I am, etc).
Then she brings up how her shoulders and hands hurt, how she can't do anything. Well, I made an appointment for you, you had a hissy fit, and I cancelled. The end. Sorry, not doing another thing for you. She had complained last week or week before how she didn't know how much longer she could eat, as her false teeth are all worn down. She had a deal to go into the dental facility and get a new set at discount or free. I said if you call and find out it's still in effect, then I will take you. Well, it's NOT a priority; my shoulders and hands are first priority. No, it's not. You are just using it as a way of manipulating me. Ball is in her court.
She's been saying how she wants me to come 'soon'. Yeah, not happening. Her landscaper still has not shown up. If I were a betting person, she'll be asking me to do it all. She has bushes that would almost require a ladder to trim at this point. If she called this guy, and that's a big if to me right now, she waited too late, as he is good and gets booked up early. She knows that, so I'm guessing if she called late, it was a calculated move on her part. Again, she wants me to do it, as I don't really work (according to her), and I OWE her. Yeah, I'm not doing it.
She was whining about how holidays are about family, and honestly, she is the root cause of why we have a dysfunctional family. She has pitted me against my brother, and I don't think that relationship can be repaired at this point. Maybe to be civil is the best outcome. But we're the weird ones (her kids). She has friends. Except that they take days or weeks to return her calls, so they are distancing themselves. It's really painful that she doesn't see the truth, but I know she never will.
Hope everyone had a nice and peaceful fourth. I did (even with the phone call - I was long distance - LOL).
https://oceanexplorer.noaa.gov/okeanos/explorations/ex1903/logs/photolog/welcome.html#cbpi=/okeanos/explorations/ex1903/dailyupdates/june21/media/squat-lobster.html
glad - grand kids have played with him. He sleeps most of the time. Landscaping Yay!!!
tg - I set a couple of relatives straight over mother's complaints and with the others I let it go. If they haven't figured your dad out by now, I doubt they ever will. If they want to believe him, their choice. How about pleasing yourself and not trying with dad. He should be trying to please you. Maybe your sister is getting a clue abut him. Yes, take a break!!!
cm - I agree - I think others have a clue about dad who is acting as a juvenile and may be losing his filters.
trustnone - your name says a lot. It sounds like your daughter is an excellent student. So glad your grandma and your dad were good for you. Grandma was a real character!!! To me it seems that your mum has serious emotional/mental problems. It is great that her friend is looking after her. Has she had a formal diagnosis? My mother had Borderline Personality disorder and was very hard to deal with. Take care of you!
duck - same old, same old eh? Hope you had a good holiday. Sorry to hear about your neighbour. Don't worry about giving advice. It;s fine for you to come here and vent. I hope you get into that support group,
gkcgkc - I guess you have to take much of what your dad says as fantasy. I hope the cousin knows what he is really like.
girl - sad about your sons. Yes, dysfunction junction has a lot of drama.
trying - little pumpkin is settling down well. He loves his food! I don't know anything about medicaid. Hope someone here does. It must be a bit of a relief to see them placed in a facility.
We caught only one - a beautifully tiny fluffy ginger kitten. He is a character as most kitties are -enjoys cuddling, likes his bed (a padded cube), still runs away into corners and under furniture when you let him down so we keep him fairly confined for now, eats and poops well,
In the car on the way back he crawled into my jacket, up to the back of my neck and slept there quite a white then down one arm just above the elbow. So I arrived home with a sleeve-ful of kitten. He has a great motor - purrs well and is still missing his old life so he lets us know by miaowing. He was a goat shed/outdoors cat. The other kittens now hang out in an old root cellar on the farm so he likes dark places. While we were there I saw horses, chickens, goats, sheep, barn swallows and a beautiful Kangal pup who has been named Metaxis, as well as the kittens. It was a very nice visit. The sun was shining, a little breeze was blowing, we sat outside on the porch and visited. Loved it. The old guy that owns it and lives there is very hospitable. He owned and ran 4 restaurants in E'ton years ago. I haven't been offered a liqueur in a long time, but opted for water that I could share with the kitty. 😸
Finally we are having rain in the north which helps with the forest fires. The lawn is greening up and the roses are happy.
We are managing fine with the extra people in the house so far. If need be I will escape to the basement for quiet, but we all are pretty quiet which helps.
My (and mother;s) financial adviser is retiring so I met his replacement when I was south. They are working on the estate matters. The lawyer has been given direction and I haven't heard back from her. I have to get a cremation certificate from Ontario for permission to bury mother's ashes there. Finally I have heard from the bank and have direction from them which will go to the lawyer for her to look after. Feels like I am getting there.
We (dd and fam) went out for a meal the other day. It was nice having the family together. Feeling the family feeling at home too with dd and dgs here - it's a blessing for all of us!
We only have life one day, one moment at a time. Make it as good as you can. I know it isn't always easy. (((((hugs))))) to everyone.
So many times I wish I could offer some type helpful advice. I can only extend what works for me sometimes and what I have learned my I am still evolving and learning and accepting things that I have been blind to and in the process learning me, who I am, learning to love my self after this lifetime of outcasting, shame and blame and feeling responsible for everyone.
And here it goes again. My son tells me this morning that my twisted called him but he missed call. This is after I see this letter in mail with employee leave or something in letterhead. So I ask my son when was the last time she called him. Giving him its my suspicison that she is calling him to find out when and if I am coming to visit him this year around this time as I did last year. I am very angry that she is playing herself on my son.
So here goes the manipulation and tricks. She has been no contact with my son for years. Didnt call when baby girl was born and she is going on 2 in November. Now if this is her reason for calling him it twist me up because she does not have the decency to give me info on water being off and bathroom out of commission not to mention blockage and outcast from my mothers care but yet she has to take off if I go away. I wonder why. Anyway if they do speak she will be directed to ask me personally if its about me or my plans.
Then she takes cable box from tv in kitchen to spite me but this was my mothers place to stop and socialize as she goes and come from bathroom, I often find her in conversation with the tvs. So now when I come down this afternoon my mother as done something where the tv in living room is no longer working. Usually if that one was out she had the kitchen one as a backup and sit and talk to her shows. So I have no idea how to fix and it has to be done by my nephew. Anyways, all that spite and evil manipulation comes back all the time in one way or another. Yes I am stressed but nothing she or the nephew has schemed has come into play or work and ends up being more rope around their necks.
My point is I wish I had more to give in way of advice. I dont get to post much and sometimes I am so filled and tired of the bs that I dont have the gumption to get on line. But I do read the posts and catch up as I can and my heart goes out to everyone. I must also add that this forum is a blessing in so many ways and I am thankful that through my posting and crying and long books that people reached out and gave me food for thought that helped me learn about what I was dealing with the narcissism, which gave me better understanding to deal and better understanding about me, who I am and why I have certain issues.
I truly hate that an outside agency has to be invovled and hopefully make things right. Oh and I reached out to this orgainization called Caring Kind a support group for caregivers caring for someone with Alzheimer. I havent heard from them but waiting to get admitted in a support group.
Anyways, rays of love and light to all. Be Safe and Happy 4th.
Happy 4th to you too Girl. I'm sorry for your troubles with your sons. Thats heartbreaking.
D-Duck, SO frustrating about the open doors. It does sound like your nephews head traumas have compromised him.
Glad, happy to hear the landscaping is moving along!
Everyone else, take care :)
A complicated question. Sis transferred all of Dads assets to Moms name so he could go on Medicaid. This was done over the past year, Dad is npw on Medicaid. Mom and Dad are going into assisted living and the money will be coming out of those transferred assets. Some of Dads cost will be paid for out of his SSI and a program called program called Pace. Dads share alone is $5,600 per month because he will be in the memory care unit. On paper, Mom will be paying for the rest of Dads cost. I'm not sure how much it will be for Moms accommodations. My question is this, will medicaid consider the money Mom that pays for Dads living situation part of his income? If so will he no longer qualify for Medicaid? Thanks