The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Lildeb~I hope you got some rest today, I have acid reflux that I take a prescription for but I have bouts of heart burn and upset stomach that will throw me off. I avoid fried foods as that is the worst thing to eat for my tummy. Rest and feel better soon!
Tomorrow I am taking my mother to DMV so she can turn in her drivers license and get a Ca. ID. It's not necessary that she turn in her license but by doing so because of a medical condition, she will be able to a Ca. ID for no charge. She still has moments where this is tearing her up but in time she will adjust to it. She needs to take her hearing aids in for repair, some grocery shopping...we will do all that tomorrow. She is worried about getting her dog (a toy poodle) in for clipping next week. I told her I will be in Idaho so she can wait for the week after, but she isn't willing to do that and will see if one of her friends from church will take her. This is what will create a problem because she wants everything right now. I suggested that we can work things out if she is willing to plan with my days off work, but she isn't willing to do that right now. My mother is very rigid when it comes to a schedule. Good Lord, I have an average of 3-4 days off each week, how hard is that!! Oh well, she will have to adjust because even the people at church have a life. I don't intend to sound hard hearted, however, adjusted is needed on her end. She is too fearful to use any type of paid transportation which I am relieved of that since she may become confused or get lost in the process. She is not advanced enough to get her an ID bracelet for Alz patients since she is in denial.
The "rubber room" is a place I will be spending much time in from here on out, Lol!
Happy ZZZZZZZZZZZZ to everyone...Cmag, 8 hours sleep is wonderful even if it is not the traditional 8 hours, snore on everyone!!!

Cmagnum, I hear u loud n clear. Bendryl always worked for me for a few hrs. when I had trouble sleeping. At least u did get some rest even though it took until 3am to fall asleep. You poor thing, I hope u r able to get some more rest.

Thanks Sharyn n love the song lyrics. ; ) Today was an okay day with mnl. Of course, I decided to have a healthy salad for lunch n withing an hour n half, I was running to toliet bowl with tore up stomach. Let's just say that I am probable the one with the most squeaky clean intestines. Going try n get me some rest n hope everyone else will be able as well.

marg - glad you put in some distance, but also glad you will check up on your mum. Mother's doctor is saying the same as your aunt's did. I never forget when mother ate pickled herrings, and lamb chops right after her gall bladder operation them tossed it of course, and wanted to go to the ER. I took her -Christmas morning, and finally got a hold of her doctor who told me to take me home. All she had to do was eat sensibly. I suspect mother's stomach may be suffering from years of self induced stress. Her emails are calming down now and I will respond in a while and set her straight - gently - on a few things.

It is funny that the stress of these things gets to you even if you hardly realise it. I am ready for the funny farm. I decided to whip up some non-dairy topping as I was going to make a dessert. I haven't done this in years. The directions said to use a deep narrow bowl. I thought I had. That was my first mistake. I turned on the mixer, and suddenly gobs of white stuff were flying all around the kitchen, and I was wearing quite a lot of it. I turned it down to salvage what was left, and started cleaning up - me, the cupboards, the countertops, the stove top, and I have to launder the rugs on the floor. Then I made my second mistake. I had to taste it to see if the consistency was right. . By the time I finished cleaning, and tasting, I was in fatty-food overload. Haven't been there is a long time. I ate some celery to slow down the absorption, I hope. Don't think I want to look that stuff, or any food in the face for the rest of the day! Tell the lads in the white coats to come and get me!

Emjo,

Great that you didn't answer the phone!! Yes, I'm being vigilant with the boundaries! The narcissistic aunt cried wolf too, so much so, that probably when things that were happening and really true, all the people who could have paid attention were drained by then.

My aunt also apparently had a million complaints with the doctor. They told her she had borderline diabetes. I think hers was full blown, because she was getting those infections they get on their feet, etc. But, my aunt was haywire when it came to her eating habits, too, especially with her health problems. Anyway, I remember one time when she'd gone to the doctor for something or other, and she was complaining to him. It sounds like my aunt, kept insisting with the doctor to see if her medication could be changed, blah di blah. In essence she was doing her usual endless complaining. Apparently, all that could have been done for her had already been done. When my aunt further pressed him, the doctor told my aunt, "you're 92 yrs. old." We heard this from the caregiver, who went to that appt. w/our aunt. My sister and me laughed at this. But yes, I know that these kinds of elders-WHOAH!!

Well, I'm sorry to hear that your mom went to the hospital, but happy to hear she's out and how you're dealing with it. You are doing really well Emjo, especially at this time. Hang in there! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Well, I heard from my sister yesterday. I haven't been real in touch with her lately after that slighting she did to me at her boyfriend's mom's funeral. I decided to do this, since I figure if she thinks she's going to disrespect me, well too bad then the distance kicks in.

But she did send me an email saying that remember I'd wrote about mother and that fiasco about she not being able to walk at the cemetery that day of funeral, and my sister not getting out her portable wheel chair, which was in the trunk of her car. So now my sister writes saying that she and our golden boy brother took her to a mall on Sunday, but the wheel chair was in tow. My sister says that my mom didn't give her usual squabble at getting into that chair. Sister also indicated that mom hates walking. This concerns me. You see, since my aunt died my sister claimed throughout an 8 month period, she and mother were going here and there. I knew much of it had to do with walking in stores and malls. Mind you, my mom hadn't been doing any kind of regular exercise for about a year and a half after her sister really became homebound. But it's too bad, there wasn't a way mom could have remained a bit more consistently mobile, because now she's really on the decline in this aspect. Then my sister doesn't know how important it is to insist w/mom to use the walker when they do go out. I notice that my sister has made too much light at times at mom's protests about using the walker, too.

Another thing apparently going on with mom, is my sister claims she looks as if she's really going into a deeper stage of the ALZ. She claims mom isn't emotionally connecting much anymore with anyone. Anyway, I'll be going there if not during the week, this weekend. Margeaux

cmag saw you posted while i was writing. So glad you got 8 hrs uninterrupted sleep. Wonderful. So important for good health. I wish...

good to hear from you lildeb - Welcome to the rubber room. lol Hope you got good rest. There is no complete healing from the death of a child - unlike other deaths, the hole in your heart remains. Some healing happens - over your lifetime. Had a good session with the counsellor. but didn't get out to the horses this time - went for a walk in the woods instead. That always helps.
cmag - hope you are getting more sleep -I haven't found any meds that helps, or even that exercise earlier in the day does consistently. It is a bummer. You have all these hours, and not enough energy to do anything productive.So important for a couple to work as a team.
sharyn - yes, my week or longer. She is very angry - one of the hallmarks of the Borderline. She has been angry all her life. Thankfully the sore throat is pretty well gone, and the grief has subsided for now - it comes and goes. The stress from mother does not help, but I am much moire detached than I was. She is mad because they didn't make a fuss of her perceived health issues. I am not saying she may not have something wrong, though it is not life threatening, and it is nothing that her doctor, or the hospital can identify/treat. So where does that leave us? When the hospital sends her home within 24 hrs, and without a diagnosis of anything, I prefer to believe them. I haven't told her that because she would erupt at me again. I sent her a short email saying I would call the doctors office for her test results if she wanted me to, and hoped she was feeling better. I also gave her some accurate information about doctors in this city - certainly the good doctors from her city do NOT come here - and told her that since I was not feeling great, and have trouble sleeping, middle of the night phone calls do not help. Her answer was that she didn't want to see me (well that is mutual!) and that from his attitude someone has contacted her doctor because she thinks he wants to be rid of her. It absolutely amazes me that she has no connection between her behaviour, and how people respond to her. And as far as I can tell, all her doctor said was that she can call him instead of coming in. He may be tired of her coming in with nothing really wrong. He has told her her stomach is getting old - at 100 that is to be expected - but she won't accept it. I would be delighted if my doctor told me I could call. I suspect she thinks I have contacted her doctor and said something to him about her, but that is not true.This sort of thing has happened before, and resulted in her taking me out of her will - whatever! You really cannot stop the flood of paranois - at least I have not found how to. The best I have found is to gently speak the truth, as she calms down. I will wait a bit, and then email her that I have not contacted her doctor, but that I will about her test results if she wants me to. She says he doesn't explain things well, but more likely she gets the wrong end of the stick when she hears him. I think, perhaps, when he told her that she didn't have to come to see him, it triggered feelings of abandonment in her. BPD's get them more easily that the rest of us. Then the excessive reaction happens - emotional dysregulation is a good description - and you have another storm in a tea cup, which is very destructive to relationships. Blame and fault get thrown around - you know the routine.
austin - you know it too - and it is not your fault. Your mother has a serious problem. I can let it slide off my back much better than I used to, as I have accepted that is how she is, and that I didn't make the problem and I can't fix it. Mother is always right too, and gets very upset if you don't agree with her. I try to side step it, as I don't want to lie if I do not agree with her, which I don't often, or I just don't answer.
Hope everyone has a good day. I may take my new camera out for the first time - it does panoramic shots. :) The river in the autumn would make a great subject! Do something good for you today! Love and hugs Joan

Thanks, I was up until 3 again last night, but did not wake up until 11. At least, I got 8 hours of straight sleep which does feel better.

Cmag probably a 5mg ambien would do the trick-I myself like bendryl because that was a sleeping pill when I started nursing and I still like the old tried and true meds that have stood the test of time. Not being able to sleep is so hard to deal with and I hope you start feeling better you are always there for the rest of us. I will be spending time with my mother but I think she will-actually I am not going to let her get to me you and others have me realize that the problem is with her and not the rest of us as she tends to feel that she is always right.

sharynmarie, I'm glad that your husband stood by you and that ya'll survived. My wife and I have had to stand with each other as we each have been dealing with our family of origin issues and 'mom issues" at various times, at different speeds and range of depth. Sleep well!!!!! I hope I can get to sleep tonight before 3 am. If not, I'm going to call my psychiatrist in the am. Either I'm slightly manic or I need a sleeping pill to calm me down. Along with bipolar disorder, I do live with a great deal of general anxiety that increases and decreases from time to time that I came by naturally given my anxious home environment.

Joan~I guess it is your week to deal with paranoid delusions from your mother. Since she doesn't have Alz/Dementia, she must be really angry for not getting the attention she believed she was entitled to. I know you don't need this at anytime, but especially when you are dealing with your feelings about Gordie, your friend's loss, and then a sore throat...that is alot on your plate to deal with when your mother has been given a clean bill of health. I agree with Austin, a "BIG BEAR HUG" from All of us to you!!! I have a helmet for you, Lol!!
Lildeb~I'm coming to take you away, haha, heehee, hoho to the happy place!!, Lol! You are always welcome for however long it takes to laugh, joke, rest, and regroup! As I said, "the more the merrier!!
Cmag~I learned just how strong my marriage was about 12 years when I lost my job of many years and my husband refinanced our house (it was already paid off at the time) to pay off bills be got behind on because of my loss of income. Part of the reason I lost the job was my fault (I was still dealing with a lot of baggage from my childhood then that was affecting me at work, bad decisions on my part) but he stood by me...it was a big wake up call for both of us.
Happy ZZZZZZZZZZ tonight for everyone!!!

lildeb,

Indeed what I so often see here in terms of a marriage's strength or weakness is how enmeshed, codependent or not the caregiver is with their mother or father. Sometimes when these family of origin issues are still buried, this leads to one spouse feeling taken advantage of or a spouse feeling like the person being cared for is driving a wedge between them and their spouse. Other times when these family of origin issues are out in the open to be dealt with, the couple works together like a team. I hope this is clear.

Bookworm, good for you for standing up for what ya beleive about the POA for they can get it! However, I am sorry that it upset you just because they don't understand the word "NO" when they r getting everything n not offering any support or help to you when you r the one doing it all. Keep standing up for yourself, you rock! You inspire me...

Cmagmum, you r so right about how strong n weak a marriage with all this caregiving involved.

Sharyn, can they take me away with you please too? Let's just say today was a terrible day between the mnl n I. I am really not sure if I will be able to handle this hard-headed, negative woman as she progress into later stages from mild AD. Lord, give me strength!

JessieBelle, You are so sweet with your kind words even when someone is have a hard time. You know how to say the right things. I do agree with you about Emjo to re-visit n she may find some peace in order to heal.

Emjo, maybe after you also see the counselor that you will be able to heal n get some rest. I hope getting out with good ole Mother Nature n with the horses that it will be very therapeutical for you as well for a mind n peaceful rest.

I'm very tired so going to try get some sleep myself n start tomorrow a whole new positive n bright new day. zzzzz

Oh, now this is a laugh - she signed one of her emails - "Your mother, now more than 100 years of age". lol

Thanks Margeaux - typically there is lots of attention around the time of the funeral, and very little later. She will need it especially around the 3 month mark when the numbness wears off, and Christmas and the New Year approaches, There are patterns which seem to apply, in the case of child loss anyway. I miss my dad and others who have passed, but it is nothing like the feelings iI have due to Gordie's death. I know others who have lost a child have the same experiences. Pretty well all of us have PTSD from that loss, which complicates life.

austin - Bear hugs from a person - of course. :)

Mother is on the rampage criticizing me and the health care system, saying that Fort Mc gets all the best doctors - (what IS she talking about - not true at all) , that if the hospital told me there was nothing wrong with her, and I believe them then I better stay out of her life. I am about ready to take her up on that - maybe this is the time for her to find someone else for POA. She has had enough of false accusations, (what???), that it was the nurses in the ALF that sent her to hospital, she didn't send herself, yada yada yada. All that says to me is that she is feeling better since she has the energy to get so mad about nothing. Well, not nothing, but that I haven't jumped and asked how high on the way up, I haven't offered to play servant, and I haven't given her a lot of attention. I have made no accusations. When she is not feeling well, she is quieter. She also said something about not being able to phone her doctor - doesn't make sense.I am fighting a sore throat right now, and lack of sleep (I have insomnia), and need to look after me. I will call her doctor for her, once any test results are in. Not that she can't do it, but I would like to know the results, and she doesn't understand then as well as she did.. Test results aren't available overnight. She expects instant everything, Oh well - life as usual. She has been pretty quiet for a while, for which I am thankful.

I will count to 20, discuss it with Gary, and sent her a brief, but accurate email. Wish me luck. This is the most paranoid she has been with me for a long time.

I am sure Emjo does not want one of those critters that roam her yard at night to give her a hug- but a person giving a bear hug would be ok.

Hi Everybody,

I just wanted to say that I've been reading all of your posts about humor.
I think it's necessary for all of us to laugh, in the most trying of circumstances of which I know many of us face here. Humor is something that really gets us through the difficult times, and really it takes our minds to another level, and hopefully past emotions such as anger, fear, resentment. It is a coping skill.
It's one thing to feel empathy and all of that for someone who can no longer do the things one is accustomed to in their daily lives. But let us not get accustomed to lack of humor and laughter in our lives! Much Laughter & Humor to all,
even if others don't think it's funny! Much Love, Margeaux

Good Morning Emjo,

How are you doing? I had posted something for you yesterday, and I didn't find it.
Anyway, I was reading what you posted re: feelings about grief. I think grief is very particular for each and every one of us. I cannot imagine the grief a mother must feel, but I am aware this is a very difficult position for a parent to be in, no matter how many years may have passed. Believe me I do know that feeling of having many people around at the very initial period when one has first lost their loved one.

I remember going through this, when I lost my dad. Everyone was there at the funeral, and I had a good girlfriend call me a few weeks after. But then say a few mos. later when I could have used that same attention by some people, they'd all disappeared. This good girlfriend in particular had become too busy with a new boyfriend. It's too bad then, some of us here have strange relationships within our own families, so we can't count on them either.

So maybe given the fact if this is re-triggering some feelings for you, I'm sure you'll go with your gut instinct, as to attend the funeral. But this is where it's going to be much more important for both of you, down the road. Now the two of you have experienced something very difficult. These are the times she's going to need someone to talk to. Who knows, it will probably be really healing just as well for you.

I say that there is no time limit for grief. O.K., Emjo, you're in my thoughts!
Big, can I say Bear Hugs?? Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

I'm doing ok with the exception that neither my body nor my mind is ready to sleep at 10 or 11 pm and thus I'm up until about 3 or so before being able to fall asleep. Then, I wake up around 6 feeling sleepy and then go back to bed for a few more hours. Even walking the dog has not helped me go on to sleep. I about think I need a sleeping pill.

sharyn - mother has cried wolf so many times that I take it all with a pound (not a pinch) of salt now. Of course, one day they will find something wrong with her, and she will say "I told you so". Whatever! She is 100 and something will go wrong, as it will with all of us. I know that mother would have told the nurse at her ALF in the middle of the night to be sure to call me right away . When I talked with the nurse the next morning, mother had complained of abdominal pain. Frankly, I suspect it was gas. When I talked to the ER staff they said they found nothing. Mother emailed me last night and said she still had a fever, and the ALF nurses were looking after her. She also said her doctor had done tests. Neither the ER or the nurse said anything about a fever. So I am not too concerned. All her tests come back normal except her liver is not great but her doc hasn't told her that, and I think it is better that way. She does the "dying swan" act too much as it is. Last time she was in hospital the symptoms changed daily. All it says to me is that, in fact, she is doing well, as it is business as usual. I understand you being upset at your mum's tears, though with the alz they may come more easily now. Just remember with narcissism, even real emotions will be used to manipulate others.
austin - I do something similar with telephone advertisers. I listen a little then ask them to repeat themselves as I didn't hear - I do that a couple of times -then say "Oh I am not interested in THAT! Please take me off your list", and I hang up.
jane - how did it go and how are you feeling?
kimbee - hope things aren't too crazy at your house - let us know when you have a minute
margeaux, cmag, book, everyone - keep in touch

Joan~I am happy your mom was sent home and it was nothing serious. The way you handled it by realizing if it was a serious situation, the hospital would have called you was an excellent point to share. I don't know if under the circumstances I would have thought of that.
Austin~I love your response with the hearing problem, great solution! It's funny what we can come up with to save of sanity.
Jane~I hope you are feeling better today.

I am off wednesday-saturday so I will have plenty of time to finish up things before we leave for Idaho on Oct. 1. We are getting excited, my hubby wanted to bring our bikes but I told him, we haven't ridden them in so long and I don't want to go for a bike ride in Idaho then spend the rest of the time being so saddle sore I can't sit for a few days, Lol!! BTW Joan~love the sticking out the tongue, haha, I will have to remember that one!! Hugs to everyone!!!!

Thx austin. I just found out that she is being sent home from Emergency. They didn't find anything wrong. Recently her doctor told her to call him rather than coming in when she is not feeling good. I think she just needs attention. She is saying that she is on her way out, her stomach, her heart etc. etc. but the hospitals never find much wrong with her. Her test results for a 100 yr old are excellent, though apparently her liver is not great, other that that everything is fine. She dwells on herself - the narcissism. Just another minicrisis. I heard the phone ring in the middle of the night and didn't check it till this morning. It was her ALF to tell me she was going to hospital. I need my sleep! I knew if it was a real emergency the hospital would call.
Re the bears, they live in the ravine across the road from the house, and we see them regularly. This time of year they look for food in preparation for the winter hibernation. I would think it was a small bear judging from the scat size.
You are right about seeing that the sky does not fall in when you start setting limits, and it does get easier. I like your hearing problem! :)

I never read mommy dearest did not need to I lived it growing up.

Emjo I am sorry your Mom is in the hospital I will pray for wisdom for the doctors and that she will be ok. I have read that the reason we have bear sightings is because the mamma bear kicks them out when they are 2 yrs. old and they are homeless talk about your narcissic mothers I was six when my mom thought I was a grown up unfortunatly she did not kick me out -just used me as a slave. Jane start small with the boundaries and when you see the sky did not fall down it will get easier-with the husband I just developed a slight hearing problem when he started to bellow and waited about 20 min then said oh did want me for something I couldn't hear you and took it from there.

Hi Jane
know the feeling - my mum has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic.
Just breathe deep, set with your boundaries, and stick to them, and know it is not your problem - it is his problem. You probably know how he will react, so prepare yourself for that, and even rehearse your responses out loud if you intend to give any, and if you think that would be helpful. You don't have explain or justify yourself. Sometimes a simple response reflecting the other person's feelings can help e.g. I can see you are... angry, disappointed, frustrated or whatever. Don't get drawn into an argument. Practice some relaxation techniques, know that this too shall pass, and that he is the one with the problem, and if needed, you can simply leave, and go out into the sunshine. Your sense of humor will come back if you give it a little encouragement. Go home after, and listen to some music, watch a good movie, read a good book, go for a drive in a scenic area, cuddle your pet if you have one, call your friend, - do something you like, and pat yourself on the back for how far you have come. I am rooting for you and sending prayers. Come back and let us know how you did and how you are feeling ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and courage - Joan

I am not doing well today. I am sick to my stomach, have lost my appetite and am dreading the drama and etc. that are going to follow my boundary setting (therapy last week, this site, reading, discussuing with friend, prayer). I'm going to have to set some boundaries or I am going to be going down for the count. Mom is skilled nursing facility, going on five years, Dad still leaves at home. The dysfunction is raging now as he is ill. I know I have to set some boundaries, but I am dreading the reaction. So, today I'm not feeling too good. Miss my sense of humor.

((((((((((((sharyn))))))))))) I am sorry that your mum has to go through this. Unfortunately the personality disorder and AD probably make it harder for her to deal with. But comfort yourself that it is a safety issue, and she is will be off the road, and you won't have possible future accidents to deal with. I will laugh with you - good stress reliever and go into the padded cell too. Hope you are about ready for your trip.

Kimbee - welcome to the padded cell anytime. You really are having a time of it. You did well to call the other girl scout leader, and to get mum to bed and stroke her hair. What an ordeal!!! No, you can't live like that. It is impossible. I am so sorry there was yet another theft from your husband's business.What are your future plans for mum? I am concerned that one or both of you will get injured from her falling.

austin - I don't think they will ever stop. My mother says all she wants is for my sis and I to have a good relationship, then sets up games between us, which my sis joins into - I back off. I have been in, and out, and back into her will, and decided that I wouldn't concern myself about any inheritance - makes life much easier. It is only money, and peace of mind is more important. They will pick on anyone!

Got a call that mother is in hospital again - abdominal pain. Last time they didn't find much wrong, and sent her home with excessive laxatives which did cause harm - they weakened her. I have to make sure they don't do that again, I don't know what she will tell them. She tends to decide what she wants, and goes in and tells them the appropriate story in order to get it.

Sun shining here, and many golden leaves on the trees. Maybe time to take the camera out again. We had bear scat on the front lawn the other day. I was up in the middle of that night, and Toonie was growling and hissing ferociously at something outside. His new name is the (would-be) Bear Slayer. Had he been out he would have tackled it. Makes me a little nervous about walking in the woods. This is the time of year you most often see bears. Everyone, hope you are having a good weekend - (((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Well hell, that's what my son calls ME, and not ONE TIME did I EVER use a clothes hanger on him.... not once....

"Mommy Dearest" about Joan Crawford by her daughter Christina Crawford.

I do not my brothers realize what dearest mom or mom dearest what ever the name of that book about an actress- my brother indicated that he believes what our mother says about our sister-I can only imagine what she says about me. She even picks on the man who bought her house -he says he gets her zingers also-I told him why should he not her rath -the rest of us do-he is a friend of my bother who lives next door to him.