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Austin~I am sorry your mother is pitting all of you against each other. I know how you feel, my fear when my mother passes is that we will not hear from my brother D anymore. It is so sad that a person can tear a family apart like that. Hopefully your siblings will realize what your mother is doing. Hugs to you!!
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Book~You are very right, I need to shrug this off. As I told you, my mother never cries tears, but yesterday she just tore me up with her tears. I did not expect this to happen, to feel this way so I started to feel guilty about having a good time laughing about being in a padded cell. It's not anyone's fault here, it's just my emotions running. This is why my brother D who lives locally can't get involved with my mother, his emotions become to overwhelming for him to deal with. It will take me a few days to work through this so in the mean time keep a door to a padded cell open for me!!..Love and Hugs, Sharyn
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It sounds like my mom is still pitting us kids against each other -yesterday we went-my brother and I -to see our 95 yr.old aunt in rehab she fractured her hip and on the trip we talked and my mother who lives in a beautiful apartment owned by my bil and pays very little rent-she can afford it she sold her house with lots of land 22 yrs ago when the market was great and had a civil service job so gets a good pension and free health insurance-she was complaining to my brother how she pays to have the lawn moved and for gravel for the drive etc. of course she did not tell him how demanding and selfish she gets to my sister and bil after she passes us sibs probably will never get together because of things she has said but no sense worrying about what can't be helped.
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Sharyn, the only person you would offend with OUR WEIRD sense of humor would be NON-CAREGIVERS. I have a lot of siblings. I have noticed that my sense of humor is totally different from theirs. What they find as funny, I don't. What I find as funny, they don't. Actually, they think I'm being Sarcastic.

But, I think because we, as caregivers, have to put up a lot of yucky stuff, and our parent's terrible disposition towards US but not to other family members/outsiders - in order for us to survive this abuse - we have a strange way of viewing it. I have found so many things funny here. When I try to tell it to sis, she doesn’t think it’s funny nor that it is a laughing matter. You see, they live Normally. We, as caregivers, need to find humor in our life or else we go crazy or get a nervous breakdown. So, I just shrug it off and still laugh …though it’s "not a laughing matter"… ;)
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Yesterday I had a good laugh to release stress. Alzheimer's is not a laughing matter but we each deal with stress in our way. Sometimes it so difficult to determine whether Alzheimer's is at work or my mothers paranoid personality disorder. Because of abuse dysfunctional I have spent most of my life Being unhappy depressed and angry. I try to lighten the situation bu making it silly/hilarious to releive the stress frustration of seeing my mother delcine. My intentions were not to offend anyone by it.
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Kimbee~You are welcome to the loony bin anytime. We all feel like sometimes. I hope things are settling down for you!
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Austin~I am sorry, I didn't word that too well. On the form was a direct question asking if the dr. thought the patient should be driving, he checked yes. Further down the form was blank space and he wrote in there that because of memory impairment he advised that the patient not drive. Because of that, I thought he was throwing it back onto DMV to test my mother. My mother can appeal but I don't think she will.

Margeaux~Yes, having the information and being informed helps to be prepared. I can't wait to see my daughter and go shopping with her. I miss that since she moved there. I will have both my babies home for Thanksgiving too!! It will be great for my mother to see both my son and my daughter together. I am thinking about you too and you are doing great standing your ground with your sis! Love and Hugs!!
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Hi Sharymarie,

The attorney you spoke with, sounds like she knows her stuff.
At least you have the information about much costs would come to, and she really sounds like she's not pressuring you. Better to be informed, before any of these circumstances come to a head.

We too, the four siblings recently met with an attorney, also a woman.
She also knows her stuff, from what I observed.

But anyway, these are things anybody in your shoes is way better off knowing.
Given what you've shared about your sister's health, you have to prepare yourself.
Of course this doesn't mean you must go ahead and seek a conservatorship as your only means of action, ether. I certainly never grow tired of hearing whatever people say on this thread. This is really the way we come to know one another too.
Anyway, take it slowly, and I'm thinking about you!
Have a great time on your trip to Idaho! Much Love, Margeaux
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Shary I am confused if the doc did not check off that she should not drive why are they pulling her license-which you said was for the best anyway-so it sounds like she will not be driving anymore and I thought that is what you wanted to happen-are there buses in your area or can she afford to take a taxie-some senior centers or office of the aging have transportation services -not free but less expensive than usuall private transportation.
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Hi all, Save me a cell in the looney bin... Oh what a day yesterday. My mom was on a serious crazy roll. And in full NM mode all day as I tried to get ready for long beach weekend. She fell enroute, of course in public bathroom. I caught her as she slammed into a baby changing station. I woke up after few hours sleep at the beach to find she was up, and had removed the seashell potpourri items from their container, and oh so nicely decorated a folded washcloth on sink, and the full toilet tank surface with little shells and do-dads. She was psychotic, believing a delusion that she failed as a girl scout leader because she lost the 4 young teens who she was chaperoning last night. They stayed in her room (all 5 in Q bed!!) and kept her up all night. She did make sure they didn't let any boys into our condo, and was quite proud of that but very upset that those girls had gone missing from her room. As it's better not to challenge those types of delusions, I told her I was sure they had just gone on for a walk on the beach, and maybe some breakfast. Back to bed...I woke up a short time later, just in time to catch her as she fell, and slammed her head into the wall. Got her seated and iced her head and hand. She went on and on about being negligent w girls, and time for her to retire from girl scout work. Had to find out what happened to the girls. Hubby said he saw them walking on the beach w/ one of the other ladies. She could not get out of her delusional worry, so I finally fake called the "other leader" on the cell to find out she met the girls on the beach and took both groups to meet the others at the restaurant. She would be happy to take over mom's duties for the weekend, and totally understood her need to take care of herself after falling. In fact she could see why mom would want to retire, and they would miss her. She did not seem to be hurt, other than the jolt of hitting the wall. Finally got her in the bed for a nap, but she was talking manically until I "took a nap with her" and rubbed her back. Still yacking, I finally rested my hand on her back and neck, and stroked her hair until she calmed and slept. (No signs of concussion). She later snuck into bathroom, ran in there just in time to prevent another fall as she got most of her but on about 1/10th of the commode. Jeeze. We cannot live like this. Not sure we can even bring her to the beach for our vacation in Oct., my bro n SIL won't be able to manage her, don't think we can manage the one bathroom break. Told her we'd go to a big diaper for the next drive, and she thought that was hilarious. My poor husbands day off, he gets a call that they discovered more theft at his business, this time of components of equipment that are needed constantly and replacement cost is around $50,000. We looked for used equipment on net all afternoon. Well, gotta run. Joan, thinking of you, glad you are home, sounds better. Sharynmarie, get the keys away, might as well really steal something! TTYL, if I can, hugs, Kim
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My mother received notice from DMV today. Her license is invalid beginning Sept. 24, 2012. She is devastated, crying and just breaking my heart even though I know it is for the best. She can appeal and is thinking about but I know she won't. I have to eat my words for being angry with her dr. for not checking the box that said she should not be driving. He knew what he was doing and I probably was expecting more.
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Reganee, you're so right. It's hard to do anything if the person refuses help. But, please come back here and VENT. It really does help....

Sometimes, the posters get silly/hilarious as a way to vent their frustrations. Plus it helps us to laugh and you've heard that laughter is good for us. And there's some of us who so serious, that we vent seriously (that's me!) But, I think if I hang around long enough here, their antics will affect me and I can loosen up enough to be silly back to them... Take care, and please come back! HUGS to you!!!
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Laughing is good medicine years ago I read about a very sick man who had memtal problems and he said he cured himself over a period of years by watching funny old movies and laughing-he was quit famous but can not remember his name be he was convinced it was by laughing that he cured himself two groups I belong to one we make cancer pads and the other do knitting and crocheting of items to donate and we laugh a lot in both groups and the time flies by and is so much fun I never miss going to either group.
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I like your comment that mom will say it is my sis's fault. Sometimes I don't know who I feel more empathy for...my mother or my sister. I am going over there tomorrow to try and get the notes away from her. Not that it will stop her from writing more notes, but maybe she will have a few days of peace before it starts again. I wore myself out laughing so much earlier, at least I got my sister laughing about it too!!
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We are cross posting here . Yes, that is right that you cannot force her to get treatment. What a load you have, with your mother and your sister, but particularly your sister. It does sound crazy, Sometimes all you can do is emotionally detach, and also set some boundaries.to protect yourself. It is very hard to see a loved one not care for themselves and as a result go down hill. Can you let us know more how it is affecting you?
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Hi reganee - welcome to the dysfunctional family caregivers. . You say your sis in in deep decline. Is she depressed or does she have some other condition? What causes the falling? Has her behaviour always been difficult or is this new? If an adult is legally competent you really can't force them to seek treament., as far as I know. There are others on this website with the same problem with a family member. However, you do not have to subject yourself to her bad behaviour, nor do you have an obligation to look after her. Have you sought advice from social services or the local agency on aging? It sounds like she is quite a burden. You and her daughter are entitled to your own lives, and to live freee of abuse. Another group you that might be helpful is Adult Protective Services.Do tell us a little more about what is happening. and maybe we can help you make it better.((((((hugs))))))
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So I can offer her food and try to keep the house up, but I can't do anything to get her the proper care she needs. My 90 year old mother also lives with us, she is in better shape but not strong enough to do much physically and my emotional health is getting wrecked. We are both divorced women with grandchildren. My niece won't let the grandchildren see my sister in the shape she is in, but our lives are still revolving around this crazy situation.
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its OK jessie - I do that too, and my first thoughts were just like yours - and I know you were encouraging what you thought I was going to do - not pushing, - Once it sunk in a little, I realised it wouldn't be good for me.. Sometimes I am slow, to pick up on myself, if that makes any sense - You can join sharyn and me in the padded cell if you want I promise not to follow you around!
;) lol don't know how you manage at your mum's without much of your own space - it would drive me nuts.
sharyn - that could be interesting when your mum gets the bill - better to laugh than to cry. I wonder what story she will make up - probably will be your sis's fault ;p
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I am caring for my 64 year old sister who is in a deep decline and refuses to care for herself properly. She has fallen numerous times this week, gets up or crawls to her bed. Her daughter and I have no legal standing and can't force her to go to a hospital so I am reduced to watching her defiant mean self running everyone's life.
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emjo, I had to re-read what you wrote. I missed that you were not going. I understand. {{{{Hugs}}}} Didn't mean to sound like I was pushing. I just had to read more carefully.
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I forgot to mention, my mother locker herself out of her house and the neighbor called the fired department for her. I can tell you now...when she gets the bill from the fire department, she won't remember.
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Joan~The more the merrier as long as it is a padded room, Lol!!! We can all be crazy for a weekend and release all the craziness in our lives. I see us wearing helmets to protect our heads and stripped clothing with a big question mark on our chests!! How fun is that...????

I totally agree with you regarding the funeral. When you are ready to be there it will happen for you. There is no time limit on grief so take your time and do what feels best for you. A 5 hour trip is tiring and not only being there for your dear friend (who clearly is understanding), dealing with your own memories and PTSD is going to be very emotional for your and then if you factor in your mother on top of all that...it is a large emotional toll to deal with. Take care of your emotions right now. ((((HUGS)))) to you!!!!
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thinking more about what you wrote jessie, I do have peace over Gordie and about God's timing in his life, but I still have pain, and missing. Believe me I revisit his loss often. Bereaved parents tend to have PTSD from the loss of their child, and I certainly do. It is not as bad as it was, but it still can be triggered, by all kinds of things - and unexpectedly often.
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Shall we share a double room in the loony bin, sharyn?

thanks jessie, I understand what you are saying, and thought that, but the feelings have hit really hard. Child loss is so much worse than any other. Gary thought the same as you as he has had that sort of experience., and so did I initially, but then the PTSD clicked in. The "manual" for child loss says do what feels right, and don't push yourself into things, ... and it doesn't feel right to me. My friend has lots of support right now and i will visit her later. The support tends to fade away pretty quickly. I know the journey she is on, and that in a couple of months her pain will be indescribably - right now she is numb. You are right, the feelings go beyond what normal words describe.

thanks austin - it is a long trip and to drive it when i am feeling emotional isn't smart. I have been friends with the "comforting" lady for about 45 years - we have been through a lot together. I was with her in the hospital room when her husband died.. I hope we don't have any more bear visits. I have seen them across the street on the trail, but never, to my knowledge on our property. It makes me nervous about walking the trails. Your friend did the right thing.
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I woke up with a sinus infection so not feeling myself today. Mother call me this afternoon "asking" if I had been in her house today. I said No, I don't go in your house if you are not home. She said someone left a note for directions to a business I know nothing about. She said the note is printed and she does not print...not true. I wrote down what she said the note said and I called the number. It is her dentist. They said they called her yesterday telling her she has not been in since Aug. of 2010. Mother was very confused and would not talk with them. They told me she has called 3 times to today asking questions. I am laughing because like a crazy person...Hee Hee, HO HO, HA HA because it is just too funny to take seriously and make myself upset over. Mother then called sister and "accused" her of being in her house. I find it hilarious that mother "asks" me but "accuses" sister. Ok... I am twisted and am having fun with a situation that really isn't funny, but why stress over it...Alzheimer's is what it is!!
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Emjo I think you are very wise not to go-it would be just too hard for you and it is a long trip-your friend sounds very comforting. We get bears here in my town on occasion and one of my friends in our neighborhood who has bad eyesight was working in her garden and thought she saw a dog and was about to approch it and realized it was a bear and slowly walked into the house.
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Hmm, that sounded a little esoteric. It wasn't intended, but these feelings do go a bit beyond what normal words can say.
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emjo, it may be a good thing to revisit Gordie's loss, and you may find some peace in your soul. Perhaps this trip is as much for you as it is for your friend. I know it will be hard to be in the same funeral home. Sometimes, though, when we think things will be hardest we find healing.

I am not surprised that you are having some trouble sleeping. I imagine you have a huge spirit of unrest on you. I have a feeling you will be all right. I am glad you are not telling your mother you are coming. It sounds like you need this trip to be about your friend and you. I hope you find something joyful in all the sadness.
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they can take me too sharyn
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This has been my day today...no offense intended:


hey're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
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