The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - that is a good attorney! glad your sis is listening to her. It helps so much to get professional back up
book - I think you are looking after yourself - good - leave the POA to others - you are doing enough -or, actually, too much
cmag I think that is true - it is a major stress and any stress will show up the strengths and weaknesses
jessie - re your post on your mum establishing territory, and sharyn's answer about sundowning., I looked up sundown as I started to wonder if I have it LOL - I have insomina most of the time - since Gordie died, and sleep for about 4-5 hrs then get up and usullly make myaelf a hot drink, empty the dishwasher if it needs it, go back to bed with the laptop and often l fall asleep again thankfully - though not the last couple of nights. Can't say I am any more confused that usual, and I am quiet. and often get something useful done.
Last night Tonnie looked out the window and growled and hissed, and this morning we found bear scat oin the lawn. That is a litte too close for comfort. I sure am glad I am not letting him out at night. I think he would have tackled the bear, and that would not have been a good thing.
The death of my friend's son is bringing back some pain over losing Gordie and I think that is affecting my sleep. I found out the funeral is in the same home we used for Gordie's, and I just can't go - too big a trigger. I have another friend who lost her dad, her mum, her husband and her oldest son in a 4 year period, She still has trouble going to the hospital her husband died in though he died nearly 20 years ago. I talked with her about it, and her immediate reaction was "You can't go" and she is one of the calmest people I know, I am seeing a counsellor Friday afternoon, and think i will try to get out into the sunshine on the weekend with the horses, and celebrate the lives of the young people I know who have gone too soon. Gordie's birthday is coming up so so it will be an early celebration of that. Grief is a strange thing.

After reading many stories of dysfunctional caregiving situations for the 2 years that I've been on this site, I have reached the following conclusion. Caregiving has a way of showing how strong or how weak a marriage really is.

Book~I see what you are saying, very wise on your part. Talked with my sis last night telling her that attorney told me we would have to prove my mother is a danger to herself. Mom did start a fire in the kitchen in January but she acted quickly and put it out. It is only one incident and we would need more proof. It is on hold hopefully for good. I estimate my mother to be entering stage 4 of Alz. She has a way to go yet before she is legally incompetent. I am glad you held your ground with your siblings on not getting POA, as you said, let your brother get it.

Hi everyone, I wasn't ignoring this thread. I tend to compartmentalize my problems. When father stresses me over the poopy stage, I go to the GROSS and Vent. When I want to complain about my siblings, I come here. So far, siblings aren't bothering me because I have stopped bugging them for help. When I have stresses over my caregiving role, I go to the How are YOU thread. ...So, in the end, I rarely comment here.

Sharyn, last year in October, my brother and sil kept pressuring me to get POA over the parents. Right now, nobody has Legal authority over them. I'm not getting this house/land. If I get fed up with caring for them, I can pack up, go tell brother of next door, that he can take over - and since he's watching the parents, he has a stronger case in court for claiming dad's house/land...even though dad said that this house/land will be going to my 2 bros in the mainland. Oldest bro already got his land from next door.

So, my thinking back then is....why am I going to Legally be in charge of the parents. Siblings can then tell me that They are MY responsibility. So, I refuse, and refuse and refuse. Bro and sil finally quit pressuring me when they made the mistake of bringing it up at a RESTAURANT. Look, I have a bad temper. My family knows about it. Everyone leaves me alone when i start getting "that Look." Well, they just pushed me one too many times about the POA. I just blew up, raised my voice and went on and on and on. Bro and sil kept trying to shush me in quiet tones and hand signals. But I was having nothing of that. I just raised it more. We were in a large table and all my siblings and their spouses kept quiet. No one dared to interfere. I mean what part of NO do they NOT understand!......." I left the restaurant, found a quiet place, and just cried.

Sharyn, I will never ever get any legal documents for the parents. I'm not here out of "Love" for them. I'm here out of religious obligation (which I'm really not doing a good job at...) Sigh.... But, it's only me and no one else...so beggars can't be choosers....

I'm glad of your decision. Try not to add more on your shoulders. Your sis will just have to learn her own way - hopefully before it's not too late...

{{{{Hug}}}} coming back your way.

Jessie~ I am send you a big (((HUG))), thank you for your feedback!!

I like your lawyer, too. She let you know things upfront, instead of just taking your money. Sounds like a good one.

I forget to tell everyone a big THANK YOU for all the feedback, I truly appreciate it. ((((HUGS))))!!!

Alexandra~Congrats to you for having the drinking behind you. That is a great accomplishment. Thank you for the info on the book "Secret". I hope everything works out with you and your husband. Take a walk if you can when the anger surfaces, something you can do to relieve the anger in a more positive way.

Cmag~I hope your wife gets some relief from the pain. It seems like it is always at night when you want to sleep that the pain is at it's worse.

I called an attorney that my sis and I saw back in February after mother started the kitchen fire. She said that if mother can write notes then she probably is not incompetent. I told her about all the paranoia episodes mom is having and she said that the courts allow people to be nutty without them being incompetent, LOL!! I love this attorney! She said it costs around $435 to file with the court, another $200 for an investigation and this just to get to the first court appearance. Then she charges around $3,000. I figured it would be close to $5,000 to do. She said from what I told her, it does not sound like mom is incompetent and it would be costly to take her to court now and lose. She is going to send me the paperwork for documenting mom's behavior so if we decide later to file we have documentation done. She said my sister is going to have to "tough up" against these accusations. I really like her, is a no nonsense person.

Joan~Your plan sounds good regarding the trip to Edmonton. I am sorry it is bringing up painful feelings for you. I love the pic of your kitty. He is a cutie, I just love cats as you can tell.

I gotta go if I am going to get anything accomplished today. Everyone have a good day!!

sharyn - I think you are wise to be very careful about the conservatorship - everything you have written us true - you still can't make someone do something. I am sorry about your back and leg pain. The inversion table sounds like somethng that might help..Doesn't sound like your bro will be much help. As far as house sizes etc - that sort of thing makes me mad!!!! Mother looks at outward appearances, and what will make her look special, or better than others, even through her chlldren. I don't like it!. Estrogen does affect all our tissues. Doctors tend to think in boxes. I don't think you are being too laid back - some things are just not within our control, and as you say, your sis's health is not that good. Not tired of reading about it. If you don't want to spend the $$$$ then stick with your position. This is not the time in your life to be going into debt. I totally understand and support that. You and your dh are at an age when you need to be putting money aside for yourselves. Love your kitty, BTW.and you don't come across as being wishy washy! I am with you re keeping books - I know how to do it, but hate it, and hope I never have to with mother. It is not something I am good at!

Marg - you did well to introduce yourself - definitely a jab from your sis and who needs it. We all continue to grow and learn. Re the narcissists in my family, I have to keep reminding myself that they don't change, so even if we go through a more pleasant period, I know to epect it to turn for the worst, and need to remind myself of that. and protect myself -be on the look out as you say.

book - what you say about the niece may well be true - she has a sense of ownership - whether it will turn out that way or not is another thing. Glad to see you posting more. You went through a bad time a while back.

HI alexandra - you have a heavy load. What I have read is that anger is a secondary emotion, and often comes from hurt. If you can get in touch with the hurt - and there is lots when brought up by a narcissistic mum - it may help dissipate the anger. Don't let your mum become the center of your life - even though she is seriously ill - though that is what she wants, and works towards using fear, obligation and guilt. (as originally shared by cmag). If you can detach/emotionally distance yourself from her it will help you. (((((((hugs))))) I know it is hard. I contrast when my father was ill and dying with how my mother is. My father wanted to see me, and I travelled aross the country to do that, but he was not demanding, and was considerate of me right till the last. My mother, on the other hand, due to her personality disorder, demands, and complains about everything, and criticizes because things don't go exactly her way, whether she is well or ill, and she is well mostly. Being an only kid is not all negative. My sister is narcissistic too - in some ways worse than my mother, and won't lift a finger to help, so I have two of them to deal with.

jessie - walking away sounds like a good idea. We all have such a lifetime of hurt to deal with. I found it helps my anger to write it out and get validation - even from myself, about how bad it was/is. Counselling has helped me too.

austin - I always appreciate your input. You have learned the hard way, I know.

cmag - you have made great strides along the journey of healing.and that is admirable. I do hope that your wife's health improves.

I have found out that the funeral of my friend's son is Friday and at the same funeral home where we had my son's funeral - kind of a double whammy. I am thinking of leaving early, and driving straight there -about 5 hrs drive, and then I think I can relax more for the rest of the time I will be away. Still hoping to visit with my grandson, while I am there, and may be able to drop in on mother if I do it this way. One step at a time!

Hope everyone is having a decent week. leaves turning yellow here.

Love, hugs, and prayers Joan

Book~No I don't want it because I really don't see it helping to actually manage my mother's health situation. She is so combative and nothing will change that. My sister has her rose colored glasses on again and she thinks this is going to give her control over our mother. How are you going to force a person to do something they do not want to do? Then if I don't go along with it and something happens to my mother, is my sister going to blame me? Having the conservatorship is not going to stop my mother from calling my sister and accusing her of stealing from her. Sis already sent an email to me and my brother who lives locally suggesting that we split the expense of getting the conservatorship and I think she thinks she can reimburse the expenses back to us through my mother's accounts...but I don't know if that is legal. She is the one who will be the conservator and her health is not the greatest. I don't think she realizes how much more stress this is going to cause for herself and I am not willing to take it on because I suck at paperwork simply because I hate keeping records and I end up not being consistent. This is why I don't work in an office, Lol!! Book, do you have a conservatorhip with your parents? I don't think my brothers will go for this anyway. My sister is so financially strapped so where is she going to get the money?

Book I also had an anger problem and have learned to let things go but it is hard and it takes a long time to conquer this-it is really one day at a time but remember even Jesus would get angery when it was justified so it is not wrong to get angry when it is really needed.

Margeaux, for niece to put out vibes that your mom’s house is her house is not coming out of her head. She can only get this idea if she hears someone SAYING that it will go to her. I guess, sis figures that she’s in charge of your mom, therefore the house will go to her.

Sharyn, I think you’ve been here on AC long enough that families start out with Good Intentions about Splitting the Cost of caring for parents. Then eventually NO ONE is helping but the One Sibling with a Soft Heart/Conscience/Duty, etc… I would not agree with that splitting of the cost…..As for conservatorship, do you really want it? It’s a very heavy responsibility. I think you and hubby will need to sit down and talk about it – the pros and CONS. If you’re going for it, atleast go into it with Wide Open Eyes AND knowing that it will fall on YOUR shoulders only….I had taken a peek this morning on AC and it had your old avatar. Then when I’m reading while I was eating dinner, I saw your kitty!

Hi Alexandraki. Sorry about the stress you’re going through. I have a temper problem (I guess it could be called anger problem). Still working on it.

The Secret was written by Rhonda Byrne. It is about the Law of Attraction and how we " attract" people, things and situations in our lives, both positive and negative and how we can fix the negative and move forward. helped me immensely reclaim MY power over my life.
Follows a long tradition.

I changed my avatar to my kitty cat tiger. I like to show him off, Lol!!!

alexandrakl, I'm also an only child from a divorced family with a mother who became an alcoholic just like her dad and just like my step-dad that she married after being a single mom for 9 years. My wife and I are both on disability and we have two boys in college. What ages are your children? I trust that your therapy is helping you with your anger and resentment. I've spent several years lately dealing with my anger about what my mother did to me as a child and as a teenager. Finally, at the end I wrote it all down, burned it in a trash can and threw its ashes to the wind. That was a major step, but sometimes the anger returns which tells me it is not all gone yet. My mother is not in as bad a health as yours is with cancer, but if she had her way, I'd be there everyday. However, I live an hour away with my own life to tend to and get up there when I can which has been limited lately by my wife having a injured knee which has put her on crutches for the last 5 weeks.

Alexandra~tell us more about your situation when you are feeling more comfortable with us. You will get lots of support here!!

Jessie~I know what you mean about just being kind. Life isn't like that in reality. I too protect myself...I guess more than I thought. I try to understand both sides of a situation which ends up making me wishy washy.

Welcome, alexandra! Your life sounds like it has been an interesting one. I know there has been one hardship after another. Anger can be such a bad problem. I have it so much myself. So often I have to walk away from someone and go slam a door or do something else to get rid of it. Sometimes it stays inside like a little badger waiting to bite someone. Usually I end up biting myself all day, because I know it is my own anger that I have to deal with, and not someone else's problem. Could you tell us a little more about The Secret?

Thank you Cmag, I really need it! I am an only kid and all her needs fall onto me. It is hard to deal with.

Sharyn, I understand what you mean. When I see someone ask about being a conservator or guardian, I wonder why anyone would want to do that unless they just had to. It looks like a hassle that could potentially be very expensive. I would try to find every way I could out of going that route.

Sharyn, do you think some other relative could become conservator if it is needed? It would keep some financial distance between you and your mother. Is there anyone you trust enough. I know the state will take on guardianship of people, but I hear that the state can make a terrible mess for the family at times.

Switching gears a bit -- I have been catching up on this thread. People here amaze me at how kind you have stayed. I'm afraid I've become a porcupine doormat. People can still wipe their feet on me, but it is going to hurt when they do. Sometimes I worry about coming too mean in protecting myself. Often I am ashamed when I see myself be mean. It isn't like me and I don't like it. I think of how nice it would be to just always be kind.

alexandrakl,

Welcome! You will find a lot of support here.

I am SO glad I found this thread!!! I came from an alcoholic home and divorce. I wound up drinking myself due to stress, but that is behind me.
Trying hard to care for my four daughters and my mom who is living here in my city in a nursing facility due to stage 4 lung cancer. Relationship with my spouse is currently very strained. I have had the anger problem and have pushed him too far. Right now trying to fix everything and deal with my narcissistic mum. I am trying very hard to keep thinking positively, I use The Secret and fortunately have a therapist.

Hello Everyone!!

I think my sister is over reacting to the situation with my mother. If I am being to laid back on this issue please help me to see that!!! My sister called APS and she said they told her our only choice is to file for a conservatorship. I really don't want to do this because 1) it is very costly and the fees don't end once a conservatorship has been granted. Reports of financial handling must be provided to the court every two years (more fees), anything we decide to do for our mother is monitored through the court (more fees). 2) I don't want to strain my own financial situation. We have finally gotten to a place where we have "some" financial freedom after raising our children, etc. I don't want to be back into a situation of having debt (in this case with an attorney and the court). Am I being selfish in wanting to let things ride in regards to my mother's situation hoping the Alzheimer's will progress to the point of where she will be more manageable? I know I have talked about this before and you are all probably tired of talking to me about it. Maybe I'm in denial of the situation because I just don't want stress in my life so I am hoping it all goes away as mother progresses. If my two brothers are willing help split the expenses along with me and my sister adding our share, it will still end up costing each of us a lot of money. I guess my biggest concern is that I don't want to involve my husband in this but he is the biggest wage earner in our marriage so he would be the one paying for this. I am only getting 24 hours a week right now at work. What to do.....

Austin195,

You know, I can excuse every now and then if I've been in a social situation if someone doesn't introduce me, because they've had too much wine, forget names and all of that. I try not to do that, though because I just have a thing about wanting to include people, and think it's just the civil thing to do.

In my sister's case, she's done this before, and I know I really haven't made it a point to let her know, that it's rude. Yes, I'm not shy about introducing myself.
But this was a moment too, of being in the company of someone you know all too well, their games etc.

You're right, she isn't fun. She is the one who looked foolish!
After all, I did go out of my way to attend her boyfriend's moms funeral.
I really did not know the deceased either, must have met her maybe 2 x's.
Thanks Austin, Much Love, Margeaux

Marge you made a good first start the next time you will be more ready and it will be easier to speak and in time unless she is too self absorbed she may get the message-or not but you will be getting stronger all the time-you will be a KAW like others here on AC.

Bookworm,

Yes, my sister is always up to something. We since childhood were close on account of what we had to endure within the family, not for reasons such as we shared common interests, nor think alike. I call her "Land of a Thousand Judgments." She's a very competitive and jealous person.

It's only in the last seven years, that we somewhat came together via mother's and the aunt's health problems. No matter what, I try to maintain a posture of neutrality as much as I can, for our mother's sake. However, throughout much of this, my sister's ugly ways come out. She runs on high emotion and drama!
I don't!

Yes, the week right after she did this to me, I thought it odd, that she was leaving messages, emailing me, etc., as this isn't her usual method of operation. I was going with my gut instinct here too, it felt very insincere. I feel that there are just too many other situations that exist between my sister and me that I can't put into a "nice," category. For example, she has an obnoxious daughter, who lives w/her, and our mom. She's a big moocher. My sister complained about daughter's behavior some mos., ago. But my sister is the type, who just wants to complain, but doesn't want to hear anyones opinion. This niece makes visits at mom's unpleasant to say the least; she puts out vibes, that mom's house is her house, kind of like visitors aren't welcome.

Well, as I've said before I'll be on the lookout!
Thanks Bookworm! Much Love! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

This story you have about your brother's absence in your mom's health, and yours and sister's lives sounds familiar. We've two brothers. They do what I call doctor visits over there at moms. The elder of the brothers is the one who has loads of dysfunction going on in his household, he has that orphanage going on over there. His wife left the scene back in May of this year, hasn't been back.
He apparently up until now hasn't even gotten together with her to discuss a formal separation, nor divorce. Mind you, he's was the Golden Boy. But after, all the irresponsibility shown on his part for lack of management of mother's and narcissist aunt's assets, and their own welfare, that's when the POA was given to my sis and the youngest brother.

The youngest brother has stepped up to the plate by doing a lot of repairs on some dilapidated conditions for properties owned by mother and our aunt,(while she was alive). But he too, as the Golden Boy, on an emotional scale are unavailable!

They've really have had very limited involvement with both mom and her sister, w/their various health issues over the last few years. The youngest brother IMO, is nicer than Golden Boy. But his wife (my sister in law) answers for my brother. Most things concerning my brother are channeled through her. I know this used to bother me more in the past. But one day I realized, that if my brother 's behavior was really more of involvement, maybe his wife wouldn't be this person either!

But yes, it must be frustrating for you, especially what I'm hearing, that when you've decided to keep his health issues from your mother, so she would start paying so much attention to them. This must not feel good for you either, since it implies that your mom even given your brother's lack of involvement, is still revered by your mother. Oh, I know this behavior all too well!

My youngest brother, many years ago had a child when he was very young, not ready. Our mother for her traditional religious reasons convinced this brother he should marry the girl. Well, that wasn't good, he divorced this girl, and then had this little girl to financially support. Back in those days, he had the little girl every two weeks on weekends. Guess who was doing all the babysitting on those weekends, my mom! My brother was free to get out the door and live his young life, carefree as if he had no responsibilities. Mother would have never done this for my sister nor for me! My mom always has had this attitude of revering her sons way more than we women also. So I completely understand the gender bias in families. Yes, I would maintain a posture of not telling your mom, nor your sister everything. I do this. It just keeps things more simple in the long run.
O.K., take care, Much Love! Margeaux

Emjo,

I liked the analogy you made, "the leopard not changing their spots."
This is exactly what it is with my sister. I must admit, I felt bad even having to dish my own attitude towards her there at that table, when she didn't introduce me. But she does this doormat treatment towards me, every now and again, interesting how it always seems to surface in front of other people. On the way home that day, I thought about it, and after much thought, I was okay w/how I handled the situation. I know this is where it takes some courage on my part to stand up for myself. But with respect to my own dysfunction about this treatment, it comes from both my parents. Since I being the eldest, I was very trained by mother and my father, to always look the other way, somehow succumb to this kind of bad behavior by my sister, who always was domineering since she was a child. Instead of putting my sister in her place, and teaching her to share, and that NO, she couldn't have her own way all of the time. But this was favoritism on my dad's part in some fashion, and plain neglect on mom's part, (she wasn't interested in doing the discipline), too self absorbed.

But oh well, we're adults now!! I'm really trying to catch myself in these old behavior patterns. They don't serve me!
Thanks Emjo for your input! Much Love, Margeaux

Yes, I truly must be on my guard with my sister. She's really cunning about trying to get me back in her graces. HAAH! What graces I ask myself?? Really!
This is a challenging situation, since I knowing what I'm dealing with, on the one hand, as I did that day, thought it was a moment for me to stand my ground in that scenario. But also, be on the lookout as to what my sister's next move is, to try to reel me in.

Me too but you did the right thing be introducing yourself -I bet she felt foolish but the others did wonder who you were-your sister does not sound like a lot of fun-just saying.

Sharyn, I say go for it. I've also heard about it from others. They say that you cannot fall down upside down (that did not sound grammatically correct). My friend said that she can feel her back stretching. And she feels better afterwards. I thought of getting one but our house is small. No room for extra stuff.

Margeaux, I think your sis is up to something. She purposely did not introduce you at the party. And that just made her look bad. Wonder what she's up to? Must be something big. Well, when she springs that surprise, remember to tell us! I'm so curious about it.