notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I used my nebulizer which helped.
Yes, it would be helpful if I could figure out why this visit was more draining. I am clueless.
sharyn, my new meds are doing fine. It is allergy season now and my asthma is acting up. I'm going by the drug store to pick up some albuterole to use with my nebulizer.
I visited my mother two days ago in the nursing home. It normally takes about a day to regain some energy, but this time it has taken two days for some reason that I cannot put my finger on.
(((((((((((((((((jessie)))))))))))))) it never ends does it. Mother says that she wants nothing more than that the two of us (sisters) would get along, but then she plays games and manipulates between us. I don't answer. I think you are right that your mum has no idea how damaged her relationship with you is. I am sure mine has no idea. It is sad that those who are related by blood cannot form normal family units. Jessie, like littleton, I have formed relationships along the way in life -and I have sisters by friendship if not by blood. I also have a few brothers by friendship, and definitely have had some substitute mums.
littleton - I also have found that gentle honesty does not work. There is a lifetime of denial that remains. I must say I don't feel much like a daughter either -never have - more like Cinderella. I am very thankful for friends too, for parents of friends as I grew up, for aunts and uncles and cousins, and for my ex mil who I have remained friends with.
Hi cmag - good to see you posting. Good articles
sharyn re your most recent post - I am glad your sis called APS. Your mom has been progressing downward, and getting more and more paranoid etc I have dreaded that this might happen with my mother, but hasn't so far. If one is appointed, your mother will likely eventually not trust a state appointed guardian either, but they will know how to handle things. It can be too stressful for a family member. Hopefully the social worker will be helpful. It does seem that your mum needs help, that she will not take from you or your sis.
I am saddened for a friend whose y0ung adult son has taken his life. I believe the funeral will be in Edmonton next week. Of course with mother there, it gets complicated as if she knows if I am coming she will want me to spend all my time with her, and likely create a crisis to try to make that happen. The solution is to not tell her. Not that I am 100% comfortable with that, but it is the most practical. I will not be in good shape to see her anyway, and put up with the complaints at that time. It is bringing back some feelings about Gordie just because it is the death of a young man.
http://www.thechicagobridge.org/alzheimers-disease-is-it-a-mental-illness/
http://www.fortherecordmag.com/archives/042809p24.shtml
I have wonderful friends and in-law family and that is where my happiness comes from.
"Well, you had different parents," I answered.
She pondered how my father had never been a good one -- he had what would now be called low-functioning Asperger's. She didn't mention her own part in the sucky-parent partnership. She told me it was my job to pull everyone back together before it was too late.
"It is too late," I said. "You can't neglect children for 60 years than try to bring them back together. They are just polite strangers."
"Well, that's you're problem. You never wanted to try." I listened, wondering how the break down of the family unity was suddenly my fault. "Aren't you willing to at least try? You're always so negative, never trying to do things."
Actually, I was the only one in the family who ever did try. I simply told her no, I was not going to try again, and if she wanted to try to pull the boys in, then pick up the phone and call them. I knew it wouldn't work. One had his church family and the other his biological family in another state. They didn't need this mother and sister they barely knew.
She was getting very angry with me for not trying to undo the neglect the family had suffered at their hands. I don't know what magic she thought I had, or why she thought it was my place to suddenly become the mother. I finally told her, "Mom, they have a saying about making a bed, then having to lie in it. This bed has been made and we are where we are. Maybe you can put together some kind of relationship with the boys. You have to start where you are now."
Of course, her solution was for me to start. I told her no. I wanted to point out to her that she needed to mend her relationship to me. I don't think she even realizes how damaged it is. I'm here physically, but I'm in a different place emotionally. What a sad situation this is. You can't create a loving family out of a group of strangers.
My approach is continuing to work and as you know with a personality disorder and Alz nothing is fool proof. My mother is on the rampage with my sister again.She accusing my sister of stealing a file mother had on the kitchen table, then left to run errands and said file was gone when she returned. Yesterday a man called my mother (regarding what we do not know) and mother is accusing my sister of having this man call her, LOL!! She threatened my sister with legal action, LOL!! My naughty side is coming out today, I laugh because it is just too twisted thinking. I teased my sister to quit harassing poor mom!! I am staying out of it. Normally I would call my mother and talk her down, calm her,etc. but I am leaving that up to my sister to deal with because she needs to learn to do it herself. My sister did tease back that she hired a hit man from the mafia to break mother's knees to start with. Our twisted sense of humor is in full form! It's a good coping skill to deal with the situation.
Joan~Getting a diagnosis is easy...getting mother to the dr. to do it is the hard part and getting her take the medicine is a whole other can of beans. I have relaxed and am not going down that road again to try to get her to the dr. I have resigned myself to the fact that in time the Alz will progress and maybe then some medications can be prescribed to ease her anxiety, in the mean time mother is running full steam ahead and will wear herself out emotionally and return to a form of normalcy for a short time before it starts all over again.
My kitty is my garden buddy. He follows me all around the garden while I work. He is a great gofer catcher too. Only draw back is he brings his catches in the house through the doggie door so we have to watch him carefully. When Simon was still living, he was my kitty with a personality disorder. Very neurotic personality a siamese mix who was feisty. He would fight even after being neutered until one time he got hurt badly. After that he became mostly a house cat but would go out in the backyard only to sun himself and follow me around.I don't think anyone else would have put up with Simon's personality. He adopted us by taking up residence in our garage. He had a good life with us and did get calmer after Tiger came into the picture. I think he was threatened by Tiger so he changed his personality and became more loving. Well I gotta go...less than 3 weeks before I go to Idaho to visit my daughter and I have made progress in my art room need to start painting. Hugs to everyone!!!
Hi margeuax - I am a little behind. It has been a tough week, I have had the cat to deal with and painful ovarian cyst. Lifting him back and forth to the vet did not help. You are right there is lots of character defamation, and it is all about who can do what for the narcissistic person. I am glad your cousin is helping and has her eyes open. I hear you about the den of cobwebs. My sis so so nice to people - on a superficial level, that they wonder that I dont spend more time with her. If they get to know her better, they understand.`It is too bad your dad`s first wife painted hm black to their kids. It would make it very hard to have any kind of a relationship with them.Cats are wonderful pets. Sounds like the joint custody of Vabnilla works well. Good idea. 20 years old is an ancient cat! He must be well looked after. They do love being massaged and it is good for theé I think there are lots of cat people around. I am puttng up a pic of Toonie. :) instead of me.
Much love to all -look after you! ♥ Joan
littleton - Yes the golden child is always the victim. In our family the oldest -my sister is the golden child. I am the youngest and the servant. We are 14 months apart and people have asked if i am the older as I take responsibility where my sister doesn't. Taking holidays together and having fun times does not look after the essentials. I am glad you are able to get away sometimes. It must be necessary for your health. Fortunately I caregive at a distance and mother is well looked after in an ALF. Even then I have to keep very firm boundaries.
I do not blame my brothers. My mother has always expected the children to come to her, but never reached back. She is learning that quid pro quo doesn't keep working for most people without the quo. A parent has to pull the family in about them from an early age or they become a group of polite strangers.
My mother is only 85 and could live several more years. She doesn't want to keep living, but she doesn't want to die. I am afraid that I don't have the strength to keep living her life every day. I can care for her, but entertaining her all day would mean ignoring my own life. I do wish she had other people who she could share with, but she has kept everyone too far away. Unfortunately, I don't feel close to her, either, and I feel bad about that.
Wow! You have been through quite an ordeal with Toonie! Well I hope he is on the mend. Cats are such wonderful pets, aren't they?
My husband brought a cat here to our apartment many years ago when it was a baby. He's all white, so his name is Vanilla. This was way before I was in the picture. My husband began to travel for his work, so was sometimes away 3 mos. at a time. So a woman neighbor, who already had another cat, ended up taking over Vanilla. This woman and my husband still maintain a relationship through Vanilla, so I say they have joint custody of the cat. He is now 20 yrs. old.
He comes over at least 4x's a week, and when she is out of town we feed and watch the cats for her. Vanilla is such a lovely cat, I give him kitty massages, and he loves that! So I guess there are lots of cat people on this thread! HAAH!
Much Cat Love! Margeaux
Being all huggy, kissy and tearied eyed with Momma does not get diapers/clothes changed, washed and folded, meals prepared, doctors' appointments kept or all the other day to day needs taken care of for her.
Fortunately, we are able to afford companion services twice a week, so I do get to leave the house and 24/7 nursing when we need to run away for a few days. Golden and Baby live less than 30 minutes away but taking care of Mother in such a personal way is not anything they want to do.
Take care of yourself. Good luck!
My parents were not so good. Neither of them really wanted kids and didn't know much about raising them. They had four children. The oldest was a son who took on the role of black sheep. He was always in trouble. The second son took on the role of Golden Child. He was very popular and sure to succeed. He also had the ability to pull himself out of the family and the troubling situation. I was the third child and, being a girl, took on the role of sacrificial lamb. My oldest black sheep brother terrorized me throughout childhood, and no one helped. My mother later admitted that she let it happen because she didn't want to make the older son angry. (Thus the sacrificial lamb.) The youngest was a son, who took on the role as the last hope.
The black sheep became an alcoholic and drank himself into an early grave at 57. He caused misery everywhere he went.
The golden child is successful and very self confident. He also pays no attention to his mother. He came to visit last week and must have spent 4-5 hours with us the entire week. Since then, my mother has not had good things to say about him. She is so disappointed. How could he treat her so bad? I so want to say that he is the son she raised, then neglected for 30 years. Never calling, never visiting. What does she expect from him? She apparently expects more than she ever gave, but she is not going to get it from a golden child.
Her youngest son, the last hope, is a very religious person who lives a Puritan-like existence, withdrawing from the world. His conscience weighs on him heavily, but he does not have time to talk and visit a lot. My mother gets upset, but she rarely calls and never visits him, so what else could she expect?
When my mother was talking about how bad my brothers were the other day, I just said that they were the same people they had always been. Then I couldn't resist being petty and saying, "Isn't it strange that the child you put the least into is the only one with you now?" I guess it is all part of being the sacrificial lamb of the family. It is interesting when you see the roles and how they play out in the end.
I will get back to other posts. I am amazed how much this little creature has occupied me this past week. My recreation has been making chutneys and canning them. I haven't canned in years. I will make some jams too, once I find some small canning jars, and use them for gifts. There is something satisfying about lining the shiny jars full of goodies up on your kitchen counter. They smell heavenly when they are cooking - apples, cinnamon, cloves ...
Toonie needs you to keep him safe. Not saving that will be easy or he won't be driving you nuts with cries and demands to go out. Maybe by winter he will settle down.
Sending you and Tonnie love., Cat.
Happy Monday to all of you!
This weekend I attended a funeral for my sister's boyfriends mom-deceased.
It was blazing hot where we live and the burial was held midday.
So after the service which was held in a chapel all attendees drove to the burial site. I rode down to the burial site w/my sister, mom and the caregiver.
Now I have mentioned how mom has a difficult time walking, has pain in her lower back from previous falls. We arrive at the burial site. The cemetery is primarily situated on slopes, so one has to walk uphill. We got out of the car, and the caregiver and me started to assist mom for a walk on the street, then up the grass.
Mom is 91, and walks very slowly. By the time we were now walking in the grassy area, I could tell mom was having a hard time. No where in the picture did I see anyone having taken a bottle of water. I turned to my sister and told her, something like whether it was necessary for mom to walk more all the way to the burial site, as that was still some more distance. My sister then says something like, "Maybe I should go get the wheel chair." She had a portable wheelchair in the trunk of the car. I thought, GEE, interesting how mom already had walked more than half the distance in this heat, and if I don't say something, my sister then even has to ask me whether she should do this! Honestly, where does some kind of ***m common sense kick in? I was so annoyed! There was a bench, a distance away from where the deceased's family was gathered, so told the caregiver, I thought it best mom just go sit there, besides it was by a wall providing some shade. We sat mom there, and she was fine. But when we sat her down, mom admitted to me that she was glad there was that bench, because the walk had tired her out!
These are the kinds of scenarios that I have w/my sister. Mom's fragility really increased in the last two years, especially last year. Her sister who was living there w/her, was home bound. This meant that mom didn't want to leave the house much either and on account of this, it really has worked against mom's mobility!
But my aunt died in Jan., of this yr. After that my sister started to tell me how she was taking mom here and there, of course all of this had to do w/probably more walking than mom had been doing the last few years. Another factor in all of this is the fact that mom has been stubborn about using her walker! Again here I feel that if she'd use it all the time, she'd at least have it to lean her body weight against, possibly even in her weakened condition provide a bit of the resistance from a physical work out level. But no! My sister doesn't seem to think about that! Anyway, it wasn't a good experience to say the least on this level. Margeaux
Good for you that you're taking this approach w/your mom. This is the emotional detachment! Isn't this strange thinking by parents that you'd be considered the irresponsible one???? But no matter what, I know you've mentioned your mom having the personality disorder, I still however think that from what I've read about narcissism it sounds as if your sister feeds that supply they talk about. Your sister for whatever reason, is that person in your family for your mother. Your sister is the victim, your mom feels sorry, and I guess needed etc.
On trying to protect anyone, e.g. your sister from your mom, well it's noble of you on the one hand to think this, but that is for your sister to decide. I too last year when I had daily calls from my sister about our narcissistic aunt. But, I too once lived there and had been at the other end of my aunt's abuse, while our mother
who was her sister's enabler, never stood up to the sister to let her know she had crossed some big boundaries. I had to separate out at some point that my sister for whatever reason it was couldn't realize that my aunt was one crazy, abusive individual. My suggestions to my sister that she try not to internalize, take things personally, etc., fell on deaf ears. I previously wrote about how I'd suggested to see whether my aunt could be diagnosed mentally. Somehow I thought if this would occur, my sister might change her attitude as to how she dealt w/my aunt. At this point, I decided well truth be told, then I know my sister is feeding her need also to be the controller. I wasn't going to participate in any of that! This is when I decided to take some of my sister's phone calls, but not so much as to preoccupy my time and energy. People like these have their own lessons to learn, and we can't become some kind of monitors of their attitudes.
I do remember that story about the toilet cover. Now that really is bizarre thinking.
My sister too would tell me countless stories of how my aunt was going to report the caregivers, her, change the POA. But after awhile when one adds up these kinds of stories initiated by the same person, well what conclusion can be made?
Anyway, congratulations that you've made the necessary adjustment with regards to the new attitude! If we are to grow, these are the steps we could take.
You're in my thoughts! Plenty of Love & LIght to You! Margeaux
Yes my sister is behaving narcissistically.
Remember I had written a post about the fact that I've noticed in the behavior by her also, is the fact that if my sister feels that you can be of some kind of service to her, say like my cousin or myself, this is usually when her venom starts coming out. In the moment that my cousin couldn't come and relieve her, to watch mom recently, then she tried implying to me that my cousin wasn't willing to do this for free. It's always about defamation of character too!
Yes, my cousin is going to help out when needed, and my sister is going to pay her. This is only going to be every now and then when needed on weekends.
I know my cousin is only doing this, this way because she needs the money.
My cousin also lives a drive from mom's house, so the least that it could help out is for gas. My cousin admitted to me, that she doesn't like being in that position w/my sister either, so she knows what's happening.
This is one of the reasons that I don't go there more often also to relieve.
I feel that not only do I end up going over there and give of my energy, but then when I do I step into the den of cobwebs. This is where I really have to be on my guard w/my sister w/her need to control.
Oh, my dad's story! Yes, it was always confusing to me. My dad tried his best when he revealed this to us to encourage us to like the first family. I felt jealous at first, I remember, but tried to get over it. But then because of the lack of a real relationship between the first children and dad, when we did see them I really felt the resentment from several of them. So there were too many mixed messages going on here. This family also had such a narcissist for a mother! She really poisoned all of those kids into thinking my dad was terrible. She even made them think my dad was a womanizer. That's the last thing my dad was!!
How are you doing Emjo? How is your mother these days?
I hope things are calm for you. Much Love, Margeaux
So how are you doing, Emjo, how is your mom?
I hope all is well! Much Love, Margeaux