The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I would not let the sister guilt you into anything she has the cousin who is willing to work for pay and from what you said you are paying rent to your Mom if your sister expects you to work there besides paying rent that is not fair-if you are willing to work some to reduce your rent that is something else-since her daughter is living scott free she should take say 4 hrs at night to free up other caregivers at least on weekends.

Good Morning Everyone,

Well I'd posted about what my cousin and me talked re: my sister, and the jealousies she seems to engage, and try reeling us into. As I said before, Dee had been caregiver through a paid program in our state til the budget cuts started. This was over a year and a half ago, while the narcissistic aunt was still alive, and for mom. My cousin is very good and responsible in the caregiving department. Well current day, now it's only mom. Mom lives in a two story home. My sister who still works a 40 hr. job, sleeps upstairs. So she has a couple caregivers who sleep w/mom; my sister is afraid about when mom may need to use the bathroom at night time. Well for this setup, they're covered during the week by the main caregiver to do this. However, there's one caregiver that comes on weekends, who doesn't want to sleep w/mom; prefers to sleep in living room. Unfortunately, because of mom's needs, defeats the whole purpose of she being there, quite honestly. There is another caregiver my sister has for weekends also, but needs some other person as back up.

Anyway, this is where my cousin comes back into the picture. Remember on a recent post, I wrote about my sister trying to imply that after my cousin was no longer being paid by that state program, my sister still called for her assistance to come and spend the night w/mom? Sister in an email to me tried to imply that our cousin could not come a couple of times, and implied, "now that she wasn't being paid, she wasn't willing to help." But last week, of course I did not tell my cousin this fact. I found out though, that my cousin just couldn't make it for good reasons.

Well, I spoke to my cousin a day ago, and developments are that my sister gave her a call. She's asking my cousin to be the back up person, in case there is a need. My cousin told me, that she feels rather confused via my sister's behavior w/her, as they used to talk more. My sister is definitely sending out mixed signals. Anyway my cousin, told me that she feels weird w/my sister on the one hand. I know this comes from my sister's overbearing attitude, I guess because she thinks she holds all the cards in her hands. She becomes an employer w/my cousin. But my cousin also stated although she really doesn't like that, she could use the money.

My cousin is a wonderful person, and my mom still remembers her and trusts her. I'm wondering, how do any of you feel about whether someone as my cousin should be paid for this service. I think she should be; I see nothing wrong with it. It makes me annoyed, that my sister should start using this arrogant attitude about money! Besides, she lives there w/a daughter who's just leaching off of her, (IMO) could be doing some of this!!!!! My sister won't dare ask her daughter to participate, so now my sister is having an issue with this. I'm more about sharing the money, especially if it's for the care of our mom.

I relieve every now and again, but I don't live that close, and because of my work situation, cannot commit to a steady (needed on weekend) relief schedule. Besides, unlike my sister, I pay rent.
There's a big part of me that doesn't want to enter into the clutches of my sister in that manner. I never ever hear her do these kind of judgments, nor do I know of her enlisting my brothers in this manner.

I think it is just awful, that somehow my sister thinks she's above people because she's in charge! She does have this very arrogant attitude w/respect to money.

Anyway, I'm going for my 2'd cup of Joe!
Margeaux

My Dad hasn't driven in about 6 months or so and he just got a renewal in the mail for his license. He is 72 and not in good health. He says that he is going down to take the test and the eye exam but I dont think he will pass. He cant even walk 4 feet without having to rest I really doubt he will make it thru the DMV. The last time he drove with me in the care I thought we were going to be killed. He ran a red light and hit the curb twice while turning a corner. He shouldn't drive and usually doesn't but he says he needs a license just in case I'm gone and he needs to go somehwhere.

Mom29~Take a deep breath and a giant step backward!!

Margeaux~It sounds like you were able to get a good start on the family tree search. II'm happy to hear everyone was glad to see your mother at the meeting. Sound like your sis was seething somewhat because you didn't do as she wanted. Good for you for not!! It's a common theme when you read the posts by so many of us that someone in the family is a control freak. Regarding the DPOA, when my mother is legally incapacitated my sister or me (if sister is not available) can make medical decisions for mother's care. It's all the legal road blocks and mother's delusions of us trying to steal from her that makes it stressful. The bank has been going beyond what they normally provide as a service with my mother regarding balancing her account for her. I will be going over to mother's today to look over some mail she asked me to look at. One is from the cemetery where she has prearranged her funeral at the Chapel and she is paying on the casket. She couldn't remember the word casket and called a box. We had a good laugh taking about just should have got a refrigerator box since it is cheaper!! I am distancing myself from my sister's emotions because I realized that I tend to get caught up in her emotions. She does have those controlling issues and wants to take my mother's finances away from her now which fueled me to get too caught up in the situation leading to me getting over stressed. My sis keeps thinking that because we have the DPOA she can take control now, I have to keep reminding her she can't because mother is not incapacitated yet. I am distancing myself from my mother too and will only help when she asks for it like she has with the mail she has received. I am caught in between since sis lives out of town, it will be me who will be doing most of the caregiving for mother. Before my mother gave us the papers for DPOA, I was the one who was doing everything when mother had issues come up. After we received the papers, my sister took an attitude that she needed to be the one doing all of it. Now her health is compromised. My mother asked me if I would go with her on Thursday to a meeting with her insurance provider regarding her long term healthcare policy and I said yes. I sent an email to my sis informing of the meeting telling her that if she would rather go that is fine, but I don't think we both need to be there. My only concern is that mother does not try to reduce the monthly premium because it will reduce her benefits and I know her provider will advice her not to reduce it. I got to get going as it's almost 9am. Thank you for thinking about me and I will continue sending you lots of positive thoughts.

well, I have a schedule set up which I have not had a chance to go over with her. We home educate and I simply don't have time to deal with her games. Husband and I feel that she took on this habit of manipulation as a defense mechanism against her abusive husband. I try to hang onto 'normal adult behavior' within the family and hold her to that. part of holding her to that is ignoring the behavior. Easier said than done at times. Had a talk with her as she just came and asked if she would be allowed to snap the beans she grew from her own garden. She tries to make everything my fault. I have enough children and experience to be able to remind her that she has made a choice not to snap them and it is her fault if it doesn't get done and not mine. Deep breath.

She sounds very childish are you able to just detatch from her much of the time-I hope she has her own space so you get some privicy -maybe she can just do her own laundry and at times make her own meals it might be a good idea to get her a small fridge and microvawe so she can do her own thing-I have a feeling she is in your face a lot-I hope your husband supports you my husband use to tell me he had to defend me every day-first of all why did he have to visit her every day on the way home from work and I guess he never was firm with her because she was able to pick on me EVERY f-n day. She was placed the last 8 years of her life -it would have been hell to have her in our home.

My mother-in-law is punishing me because I won't put up with her passive aggressive behavior. Her reaction was so predictable. She 'helps' by taking care of the laundry as she is very capable of doing this. I think she thought I was not keeping up before she came so she was fixing something. Yesterday when she asked if she was allowed to take care of the laundry, when I have said nothing about her not being allowed to, she didn't like my answer of "why are you asking me this?" So......she just left our laundry wet in a basket out by the clothes line and didn't tell us. I am laughing as I am totally fine with doing our own laundry. It isn't done perfectly but I don't care as nothing I do is done perfectly as she is able to do it. Deep breath and keep laughing.

The nursing home may have stopped P.T. medicare only pays as long as the pt. is improving and when they reach the level of the best they will get or just stop at some point medicare will not pay the NH and so they will discontiue therapy. I am so sorry that you can not get medicial info on him-but since the HIPA law came along providers must be so careful who they give information to because of people abusing the system. I had a lady calling to get information years ago on a pt.-she said she was his mother-I asked him about that because she sounded young -he said if it is my mother she is calling long distance -she is in heaven-it turned out to be an wife. The privacy laws make it more difficult for docs and nurses also to deal with family and friends.

Gosh, it seems like a lot of us have sister/mother issues - I am having the same problems with my Mother........not only did she keep me away from my Dad by reporting me for investigation to the DCF, but it was my sister who was warned 4 times by the ALF me and my husband had him in when my husband still had DPOA, but the 5th time, I obtained the police report and it stated that this time was like no other that she was running up and down the halls using profanity and threatening violence against the residents, Dad and staff.......and police finally trespassed her.....this is what set Mom off to pull Dad out in short order and take him to attny where he signed the revocation of the dpoa of my husband........from July to end of Feb, he was doiing fine under our care - within one month, had the massive stroke, I highly suspect due to medication mismanagement........place had been cited several times.........now, my Mom has him in this dump of a nursing home that I guarantee is over medicating him but I also am not allowed any medical info - she has specified that only the sister can get it.........I do not even think they will notify us if he dies........I know he is 86 but he was able to feed himself with his right hand (stroke was on left) on Easter and then as soon as they stopped physical therapy, seeing he is in bed all day, has lost muscle use of that side as well.........it appears that mother is content to just increase her visits slightly and is sitting back w sis waiting for him to die..........no one is pushing for phys therapy to continue or resume........they don't even put in his hearing aides ........I think it is horrible that a daughter cannot get info on their parent regarding medications........I know for one thing he is on a mood med that he does not need.......Mom approves of this because she does not want him "yelling at her" - this keeps him subdued.....heck, the last nursing home he was in said that he was always irate when Mother visited and that when sis visited all she did was yell about how much money he had........can't we as blood children, get some kind of court order to gain info or is it impossible once the person has gone into dementia??

Hi Sharynmarie,

What is up w/this doctor that didn't sign the DMV form?
How interesting, when it behooves them, they want to enlist people, right?
Yet, this kind of behavior by medical people really annoys the heck out of me!
They sure know how to overmedicate people. They know when to hold back on signatures, which in the long run would benefit your mom and many other people, especially since it has to do w/driving.

Anyway, as I said, catching up. I'd meant to mention some of this in the other post. But have you considered, one of these, I think they're called "Medic Alerts?"
This may at least circumvent some of the stress you are feeling w/your mom at the moment. Your mom's neighbor who is balancing her check book, sounds like a wonderful person. Someone is looking out for you, in a big way!
Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Sharymarie,

I have been trying to catch up reading, a lot went on last week for many people, I see. I read several of your posts. So you're mother is giving you and your sister a hard time! I completely understand you questioning the issue of remaining on, POA. Well, given that you've have been feeling quite stressed out about this, I know Emjo, Cattails and others have suggested for you to sleep on this decision, until you don't feel as stressed to finally decide. But honestly, it must this must be really difficult for you, on the one hand you are quite in the center of many of your mom's increasing need for help, of course I'm speaking minus her objections.

In my family I know I've mentioned that I was not selected as DPOA. I wasn't aware of the fact, especially where it concerns Medical Poweer of Attorney, apparently this only allows whoever is named as such to access personal information about an individual. I've been in the dark in this aspect of mom's ALZ, and medical info. Then to top things off, my sister who is the named person, doesn't communicate important things, as issues arise. I'm speaking of e.g., medications, or recent heartburn mom was having. I was trying to help in this scenario, and getting the road blocks from my controlling sister.

Well, do try to take an emotional breather from some of this. You have been and w/continue to be in my thoughts. Bear Hugs! Much Love, Margeaux

Good to hear from you Cmagnum-I had been wondering about how you were and was going to put a note on your wall-with all the threads I am now following it is hard to keep up with everyone. My son and granddaughter just moved back to their home so it is just me and the cat now but have been keeping busy with activities and had started seeing a very nice man that I enjoy spending time with when we can so my life is full right now-keep me from getting depressed.

I've been MIA from this thread and site for some time and low on energy which is being spent helping my wife whose injured knee has put her on crutches and her knee in a brace for the last 2 1/2 weeks plus I am doing some writing. My wife has had a long list of physical health problems starting in January.

After the drama of starting on getting my mum's and step-dad's past due taxes dealt with from 2004-2008 when I discovered this problem in 2009; her broken hip and going to the nursing home in 2009; some intense family of origin therapy issues in 2010; getting all of these taxes over with in 2010; I find things have come to the grind of her declining dementia; constantly wanting to go home and thinking that she can; the miss-perception that she's only been there a few months when it has been 3 1/2 years and staring to wonder with the US market being so unstable how long her securities will last her after finally getting the investments where the interest would pay for what her long term insurance does not. I must be going through another caregiving stage of some sort which I don't know what to name.

I wish everyone well in their own various challenges.

Good Morning Everyone,

I had not caught up reading here.
Well, last week was lots of revelations! This is the best way I can sum it up.
So my cousin Dee and I went on our own to the family gathering to discuss the gathering of info., to make a family tree.

The first thing that happened was that we had directions to my cousin Lily's place, (where the gathering was held),
We had an incorrect street name that supposedly connected to Lily's address.
So Dee, was driving, and I was navigator. After we discovered we were lost, we began to flag people we'd see in the neighborhood. Good thing we left early! After asking about 5 people, we then discovered that Dee had left her cell phone at home. Oh no! My cell phone went down about a month and a half ago. I haven't bought a new one, but this was a lesson. Anyway......I was now suggesting to Dee we go back to the main street, to look for a phone booth. Remember those. She said, let's go down this street and ask one last time. We saw a man, asked him.
He directed us to his neighbor-Jenny, said she'd lived in that neighborhood for 40 yrs. I reluctantly went up to this house, while Dee sat in the car on the street.
I had to ring Jenny's door bell. A woman answered the door. I introduced myself and told her my problem. I heard someone say something to Jenny from inside the house. Somehow, hearing that woman's voice sounded familiar to me.
Suddenly that other woman in the house came to the door. I could not believe it!!
It was my half brother's ex-wife. This half brother is my dad's son from his previous marriage. The last time I saw her was at dad's funeral 10 yrs. ago!
She and my half brother had 3 sons together. Anyway, now we were flagging Dee to come inside the house, meanwhile Jenny (the lady who lives there), was busy pulling out a map of neighborhood. I did find out through my half brother's ex-wife, that my dad's first wife died last year. But of all the coincidences that could happen to anyone. Needless to say we got to Lily's house w/the help of Jenny's directions.

At the gathering, our cousin Lily thinks of herself as the matriarch, is really one "Queen Bee." Truth be told, I'm sure she is a narcissist. A niece of Lily's was there, and we were told that she would be filming this gathering. This niece was rather overbearing. I understand on the one hand why people would want to film something like this, however this was our first meeting and I knew we were going to have some challenges w/Lily, to begin with.

Well now everyone was there, including my sister and mother. They were all very happy to see mom, so I was glad about that. I still however feel it was a bit much the fact my sister decided to take her.

Anyway, Lily has major diabetes. She's the kind of personality who one can't have a factual conversation with. It's always deflecting back to her accomplishments, or something about herself. The cousins were having wine coolers, so some started to have their own chatter. Well w/this combination, I was having a difficult time writing down names and relationship. This is what I know I need if I'm going to do more research for a family tree. Then the side bar, was Lily's niece thought she was some kind of documentarian. She kept interrupting Lily to ask her own questions. This niece knows very little about the family. Her niece seemed to rub several of us the wrong way, as in over-bearing. Also, Lily started going off on a tangent about her father. No disrespect, but our family has to do w/Lily's mom.

The more interesting part of that gathering is the fact that Lily's sister provided a document-proof of birth's for the eldest children in dad's clan. This even had more names some of us were not aware of sharing our family name. Even if I didn't get some detailed info., of which I"m going to follow up on w/the cousin organizer,
I was able to come away w/DOB's, and other details for searches.

My sister did her suspect behavior w/both Dee and me. Bottom line, my sister is an extremely jealous woman, always has been. As I'd written before, she currently has some underlying jealousies and bogus ill feelings. honestly because Dee couldn't be of service to my sister (talk about that later). On account of this, she thought she was going to reel me into that stupidity. So both Dee and me got those familiar looks from my sister, as if she's sizing us up; that kind of thing.
But I was happy to see that all the cousins were glad mom came. Mom even had a wine cooler. In one instance, my sister asked my mom if dad ever told her what town he was born in. He had not. Then she asked mom, " why didn't you ask him?" Mom replied, "because I didn't care." She said it such a matter of fact manner. Of course everyone laughed, including myself. But I think this answer is somewhat revealing also. O.K., I'll be writing about my searches. This is going to get too long if I don't do that. Margeaux

I didn't answer the question about APS. The attorney told me if we call APS not to tell them she does not trust us or thinks we are stealing from her. I read between the lines on that one. Taking it that if my mother tells them we are stealing or trying to steal from her, they will investigate but find nothing amiss. But because this is how she feels and is not legally incompetent, the social worker may counsel her to change the DPOA and appoint someone she feels more comfortable with. Or they may suggest a court appointed guardian. This is just my reading between the lines so I could be wrong.

Joan~Thank you!! You are right, I will continue to distance myself/detach more and limit it to a phone call each day. If she needs something more she will call me. If I have to take her an appt. I will, but will not go in the exam room with her. If she needs groceries, I will take her but let her do her own shopping while I do mine in another part of the store and meet up with her when we are done. That will allow her to make her own decisions without me being present. It takes the pressure off her because I have noticed that when I have gone in the exam room with her at the dr.'s she tends to be a wallflower not telling the doc everything that is bothering her and not making a decision without my input. Plus she seems to remember less of what the doc said to her when we are with her. This is not because my sis and I dominate her, it's because when others are present she lacks confidence and relies on others to help her. She has always been like that even before the Alzheimer's. Joan, you just helped a light bulb go on in my head!!! I can see it more clearly now. "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day." A song by Johnny Nash
Sorry, this song came in my head, I know it isn't going to be a rainbow of days with my mother, but this has helped to see it with a different perspective by understanding her personality better. Thank you so much for making me think about how her personality works, I can't wait to share this with my sis, it will help her too. I will read the link you provided, I know I can get in that "fix it" mode, wanting to help everyone and fix what is going on. I tend to do that with my son and his financial problems but I am getting better with him on that issue.(((((((Hugs)))))))!!!

That s very sad that they are getting him things that they want to be their's after he passed but while working as a nurse I saw too much how families act while their elder is getting ready to pass on and some of the things that went on when they thought no one was listening.

Thanks Sharyn and Joan.........I guess there is a wierd thing in florida having to do with incompetency and incapacity but what I am gathering is that due to the fact he was deemed incompetent in the dui case (which is not a complex thing), coupled with his senile dementia diagnosis, the attorney (if he had ethics) would have automatically ordered a test before you go revoking a durable power of attorney as that stays in effect regardless if you become incompetent or not...........someone from the Avvo law forum sent me a link to Gulfcoast attornies who apparently will be able to answer my questions free of charge........since any money we did have is going fast for my legal defense thanks to Mom (thanks Joan) - I am trying to take care of myself but not doing too well..........seems like with everything going on, don't feel like eating, no appetite, can't sleep well, over all am just kind of going thru motions and not knowing what is around the corner...........Dad pretty lucid today and it is amazing that in his lucid moments, he still comes up with the same things he was saying before all this, that all my mother wants to do is argue........he of course in his dementia is remembering things that did happen but just not recently - apparently from what he was saying to us today is that he asked her for some of the pills I used to give him to help his stomach and she argued with him that no such thing ever happened...........well it did, just quite awhile ago.........I do not understand why she is so uneducated that she does not know to just kind of go along with someone who has dementia..........gracious, they already feel out of sorts without telling them stuff that makes them feel worse...........she did supposedly get a 2 yr college degree.......then again, I cringed when I went into his room to see a "florida gators" throw there.........through this whole disaster, anything mom and sis have brought to him have nothing to do with what Dad likes.......sis's husband loves the Fl gators..........Dad could care less.........a New England Patriots would have been appropriate as he grew up in NH............I do not understand either one of their reasonings..........it is like maybe they are getting themselves stuff to keep after he passes???

here is the article - think it is good for many of us "The “Fix It” Mentality and How it Leads to Caregiver Burnout" by Cindy Laverty https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-152629.htm
BTDT, got the t shirts, not going back! :)

sharyn - I wrote a long one to you and just lost it. The gist of it was that we cannot see into the future, nor provide for every contingency. I think it would help you if you could detach/distance yourself a little emotionally, from worrying about your mum. My mum did not trust me either at one point, and wrote me out of her will. After, when she was more receptive, I told her kindly, but firmly that I was not interested in managing her finances as long as she was capable, or in putting her into a nursing home,and she came around. We have been OK since. That could change I know and may, but I am living in today. I have found it doesn't pay to look too far ahead into what could go wrong, but to plan sensibly for the future, and live this whole thing one day at a time. You and your sis are in daily contact with your mum. That is responsible. I don't think you can do much more. She still has a right to live her life, even though her abilities are compromised. There is a good article on this site and trying to fix everything -by Cindy Laverty, I think. I could recognize myself in the past. You may find it helpful.
Have you been able to find out if calling in APS would jeopardize the carrying out of the LivingTrust as your mum and dad set it up?
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) Look after you -Joan

U565425 -certainky hope you get some ideas. I know nothing abouty lawa in the US, but what sharyn says about consultring an elder law attny makes sense to me. I wonder, as you do, if it was legal for your mum to revoke your dad's wishes for who was DPOA. etc. as you dad was not competent. I suspect only an attny specialized in elder legal matters can gie you a solid response, unless anyone here has eperience in Fla with the same or a very simiular situation. I am glad that you have proigressed at least to being able to visit your dad. What a very frustrating situation! I know you want what us best for your dad, and have to work against your mum in so many things.
Do be sure to look after you in the middle of all of this. The stress on you must be great. Hope that venting here helps. You may not get the specific info you are looking for, but you certanly can get support.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan

Joan~It certainly is a narrow path. My fear is she will fall in her backyard and not be found for 24 hours. My husband's grandmother also had Alzheimer's living alone. Every Sunday she had dinner with my in-laws. This particular Sunday after my MIL took her home, she fell in her bedroom and couldn't get up. My MIL called my husband (Mike) the following morning because MIL couldn't reach her mother by phone. Mike went over to her house (he knew how to break in her house), he found her on the floor. Prior to the fall, she was still taking basic care of herself. After the fall she was placed in a nursing home because she no longer could walk, talk, or care for herself even though she was not physically hurt in the fall. I am sure she fell because Alzheimer's had progressed and at that moment she couldn't remember how to stand or walk, but still very scary.

This book sounds great and I will order a copy for myself and my sister/brother! My sis and I will still be checking on mom through visits and phone calls so we know about her safety at home. I will be taking her grocery shopping, to appts. once her license has been revoked. Maybe by driving her around for her needs, she will start to trust us more...maybe!! Thank you for sharing the info on the book, it sounds like something we can all read to gain understanding. Thank you for the hugs, it is great knowing I have such a loving support group here on AC (((((HUGS)))))!!

U565425~When my father was certified as legally incapacitated my mother had taken him to a neurologist. I went with her and as I recall the dr. asked my dad many questions such as, his dob, ss#, what year it was, who was president of the U.S., what month and day of the week it was. My father could not answer any of those questions. At this point my dad very rarely called me by my name, he did not know who my brother was when brother came over to the house. After getting the certification, my mother had to go to court for a judge to review the dr. certification. A social worker came to the house and talked with my father. With all this information the judge agreed he was incompetent and all decision where given to my mother both medical and financial. Mom's attorney then advised her to put all accounts in her name only, the house was put in a living trust so that state could not take that away from her to pay for dad's care in a nursing home. Mom needed money to continue to pay bills, and for her own needs that is why it was done this way other wise after dad's passing the state would have taken most of it.

I suggest you seek a consultation with an elder law attorney to ask the questions you are seeking answers to. My best guess is that if you report this attorney, an investigation will take place which will probably be lengthy. While you are talking with the elder law attorney inquire about getting a guardianship for your father. I do not know what Fl. law states in regards to who can and cannot decide incapacity, or whether you need to go to court for a judge to make the final decision. What I wrote in the first paragraph applies to Ca. law. Most attorney's will not charge for the first consultation. If you decide to report the attorney, you might want to pursue the guardianship at the same time. Good luck to you and I hope you get the answers you are seeking, remember to document everything that has happened with copies of investigations, etc.

Does any body know in the state of Florida if there is a definitive answer of if you have been declared incompetent but not incapicitated..........we would like to move Dad into a decent and cleaner nursing home closer to us or even to the veterans home - Mom had my husbands dpoa revocated on Feb 15 and also eliminated Dad's wishes to have my husband as executor to will by having an attny draw up the lenghtiest health surrogate form i have ever seen.........but..........Dad had dui at age 85 after his brain surgery - he was declared my a Hernando county prosecutors office after a two hour exam as incompetant.......Feb 2 we received letter from state attny saying they were not moving forward with charges as they did not deem Dad to regain competancy. Feb 15, mom takes Dad to attny and has him sign papers which I know he did not know he was signing (diagnosis of senile dementia with severe frontal and side brain damage) - attny did not order a competancy exam before he had Dad sign..........however..........almost like a lightbulb went off 10 days later he had a mini mental done on Dad by my sisters dui counselor (which is irrelevant as mini mental is used to determine dementia) - if I report this attny to Florida bar, is it possible that all the stuff he did on Feb 15th would be considered null and void??? Dad at time was residing in one floor up from the complete memory care unit , Mom residing at time in a completetly different county (which I would have thought would have had the attny questioning that as well)............thanks............

Here for everyone is the post I got back from jeannegibbs. I have ordered the book. Mainly, the book is about ambiguous loss, which is having a spouse, for example there but not there, due to dementia. I understand that concept, as mother, due to her BPD was there, and not there in many senses.

"I highly recommend Pauline Boss's book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia." Much of the book is focussed on the unique situation of having a loved one both "there" and "not there" that dementia presents. But some of her advice applies to any caregiver, and I think this especially true when she acknowledges that persons trying to care for someone who was neglectful or abusive to them are in a different situation than those caring for loved ones where there was and is a healthy bond. If you get the book, this topic starts on page 163."

Have a great day everyone.

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))))) I am so glad you are feeling better about this. It is sad that "something has to happen" before you can get more help for your mother, but I have seen that on a number of threads here. It does seem wrong. So good that you have made a contact with the AARP volunteer, and what a wonderful service she offers. Also great that she will contact you/yoursis when she sees that your mum needs more help. You are still walking a narrow path - one step at a time. The main thing is that your mum gets the care she needs, no matter who gives it. It is too bad her physician wouldn't draw the line with her driving and save her the stress, but still better that she fail the test rather than continue to drive and have an accident, or get lost. Thankfully mother gave up driving after she moved out west. She was about 85, and was fine driving where she had lived for many years, but in a new city she had trouble. I bought her car (35000 km driven by a little old lady) not that I needed a new car, but it was easier for her,.and one of the kids got mine.
You are a very loving daughter, and I know you will look out for your mum's best interests.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Joan

I know what you mean. Dad was a scary driver. I was a passenger one time. He straddled the lane several times! I was so glad when his license expired. He had this misconception that he would have to take the test again and he wouldn't pass it. Plus, he GAVE away the car to a stranger to fix it and the guy never brought it back.

Oops, I certainly meant to capitalize the "G" in God!!

We were so blessed Mother gave up driving at 84 and sold her car. My sisters and I were dreading the day we had to have the no driving discussion. Mom realized she would have to take a vision test and knew she could not pass it. Thank god for small favors.