The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yikes, we all live so much drama! I am so sorry for your troubles, DDuck. You are right about the violence the poor and those on the street experience.
One of my sons was jailed once, later released, mistaken identity for a sexual assault. The wardens at the county jail beat him (permanently disabled from near-fatal trucking accident) to within an inch of his life. He has straightened his life around, mostly, but I believe he suffers from an oppositional disorder, depression for sure. He has been abusive towards me, and I have set my boundaries. Of course he rejected my boundaries, so sadly, we don’t have any contact at this time.
My oldest son also has major health issues, legally blind, severe Crohn’s Disease. He learned to abuse me from his father, my first husband. His birthday was June 30th. Those birthdays are hard for me. He blames me for his problems, has been diagnosed as having schizoid disorder. I don’t know how much more I could have done trying to turn things around for him during childhood. It’s so hard when they are born with brains that aren’t wired quite right, it seems. He wants his space, never figured out his father’s passive-aggressive treatment, directed towards me, was his dad’s shortcoming, not mine. Now I am gone from that man, but sadly, he destroyed my sons.

Tryto have a happy Fourth, guys. We will be home, quietly riding through retirement, maybe some fireworks will be visible from the street, as we live under huge old southern oak trees, cannot see the sky.

Banging my head against the wall today.
APS came on Friday, my father denied having anything to do with it. Yesterday I heard him speaking to my cousin about the abuse and how he can't take it any longer. Now he's decided they are moving abroad. Again.

Sod truck is here! Hope landscaper gets here soon!

Hi all. I am not caught up. Just stopping in to say that I feel a little down. I ran into my neighbor this morning and learned her husband beat her up in street. She is torn and broken and I felt so bad for her. This woman has had cancer, chemo and surgery several times, has this gene script that keeps her susceptible to any and all kinds of cancer and has to keep getting screened.

Her husband is one of the sweetest, kindest men on the block. Always working on the house doing awesome changes and upgrades. I have gone to him several times for advice. We talk have drinks outside at times. So this was a shock.

The other thing is that I found the door open again on my way out to work yesterday afternoon and its not the first time. In fact I have found it open many times. The saturday before last my nephew from the streets came in we talked a moment and he went upstairs to his mother. I finished cooking and went up to get dressed and found the door open. Thank goodness my mother didnt have a mind to be on a mission out of the house.

So I told this oldest nephew to please lock doors explained it. Then saw him go to the front door to close and lock the doors he had left them all open.
It saddens me because I have many times suspected brain damage from numerous assaults to the head from the way he speaks and repeats thing. Then I learned he had High Blood Pressure a few weeks ago and I had to stress him importance of meds how my father died from stroke and not taking meds at a young age and how mine is sometimes uncontrolled and how I forget things and have to keep checking my self when its how and how its frustrating. He said the same thing and as we spoke this week he was saying how his cholesterol was high. I went and got some of my lecithin for him as it helps HC. I am just sad for him in a sense. There were many times when he had been hit in the head in a bad way. He lives the streets and the streets are mean.

So naturally there will be no consideration for anyone else leaving door unlocked at any time my mother wanders off, no one but me.

Also upon checking mail, I see my sister had mail for temporary leave of absence. I sure hope she is not taking a leave in anticipation of me taking trip to see my son which I did this time of year last year.

The fourth is coming up and Happy Fourth of July everyone. A cousin is coming up from south for a few days and I am planning to do something with her and her daughter. She was like a lil sis to me. She always talk about us taking her to the parades. I was in high school. She was like 10 years younger and hardly got out so me and my sister would go and pick her up and take her places.

Although I am looking forward, its still stress. I met with friends for early dinner on Saturday on short notice. I had other plans to pick up things to send to my son for his birthday and late fathers day. I've been keeping him posted. It was my buddy's birthday so I met with him and his wife who is also my buddy. They are very spirtual and uplifting couple, we had a nice time.

I hope everyone is well and stay safe during the holiday.

Rays of love and light to all.

Hello all,

Welp, I’ve only posted once before, I suppose out of desperation, and the answers were helpful thank you. I’ve been reading and reading, this blog for the past 5yrs, trying to figure out what is REALLY wrong with my mom. I am 54yrs old, I live in the US, my husband and I are the blessed parents of one child, she is 20 now, and wouldn’t you know she got accepted to a college in Switzerland!! This was two years ago and she is still there to finish. So I’m 54, my hub has diabetes but we are happy and doing are best, my mom lives 500mi away, she is widowed 76yrs old and has had MS for 40yrs now, I’ve been driving back and forth to her ever since my daughter was born, I hate that drive, as for the past 10yrs I’ve been trying to get my mom set up in a AL, she never would or even try, my parents divorced when I was 11 and by the time I was 17 I was out of the house, my mom kicked me out, thank god my dad loved me he saved my life, past 15 yrs or so my mom told me once that when she was born she was born blue, dead, my whole life I never knew, there was a family secret my GM would never tell me or even my 9 cousins, GM was the the best grandmother ever. Lived in her house till she was 93, call the ambulance herself went to the local nursing home herself and didn’t even call us till about a day or two later after she was admitted, she passed away 5 month later. Taking the secret with her, I’m sure she would of told me. my mother made her life hell she had a wonderful life GM married to my GP for over 50yrs, even at the end I couldn’t talk to her there was always my mother leaning over her talking to her, cousins around etc, no excuse for me I know but at the time.... I felt that I didn't need to actually say to her I love you she knows I do, we all genuinely love and respect her unconditional love, there IS a difference. My mom dose not understand unconditional love, never did, no fault of her own I’ve forgiven her too. I’ve had her transferred to my town as so I can advocate for her, she fell in her home and was calling 911 every time, got a bill for 1000 for the ambulance from 2017, she was never transferred durning that time until the last call, shame on them!! A year of hell 2018, my daughter just left for college I’m alone advocating for my mom, first rehab, then Al, then to adult family home, they are all telling me she will not get better, I knew that when she arrived at the rehab, I called her docs from where she came from, asking what to do, this isn’t working out, no help from them, she had been black listed in her town anyway by then. Something was off, this whole time I new it, but couldn’t figure it out. Every doc she ever had never told me the truth, finally I couldn’t take it any more, sent her back to her home, lucky she had a friend that would care for her over the winter and had moved in with her, my mother has been paying him, I’m her DPOA, her money has always gone to her, she did raise me right in that respect,. Summer time, I need to drive over and visit, she lives in Montana I’m restricted to go in the winter months I live in Seattle, I’ve been searching the area found two great places, this is no easy task for me as you all know. I get here my mom is being well taken care of, this man is a saint, so I’ve been here now for almost a week, he said I had to see for myself how she is now that her doc has reduced her ton of meds, and has placed her on a strict diet to keep her heathy, she’s doing very well now it’s been 8 months now and her true self is emerging as she cannot put up her curtain for very long, I thought it was show timing, turns out I was right, I knew her and she always put up a show for the docs.

Long long grueling short story, this friend of hers her caregiver had no choice but to basically slap me in the face I had to see my mother it’s the only way to know the truth. She is a Sociopath!!!!! look it up, that all I ever needed, someone, any one!! Please use the correct word!!!

Oh TG, yes you do need a break.

Mmm. Any plans..? Nope, didn't think so.

So: your aunt is planning to come to see your Dad? Is this faint pencil or indelible ink? Or not yet known?

I hope she at least had the courtesy to ask you, rather than tell you. ? This is your house she's proposing to land on.

What's Daughter's beef? What difference does it make to her what order people get the news in? You didn't tell her because it hasn't been confirmed. She can get shirty about the annoying communication issues if she likes, but not with you.

Then, Dad's conversation with your sister. What part of it do you suppose your sister took as Gospel? Do you, honestly now, imagine your sister doesn't yet know better?

This is ALL, still, about communication between you and father. You're not talking to each other, and that is leeching out into not communicating smoothly and efficiently with other people.

Plus, he has the mentality of a 12 year old. Not telling you things so you can't say no. Seeing the girlfriend, teeheehee, that you don't approve of. Complaining behind your back. Next he'll be saying "UGH! You're so UNFAIR!"

Well if you're not used to that by now you never will be. Go round. And stop imagining that ANYBODY thinks that you are the villain of this particular piece. They know what you're dealing with, they're not blind.

Been a trying few days. Attempting to have a better relationship with dad but not working. His sister emailed me last week saying she was coming for a visit (may or may not), assuming (bad idea) she was talking to him as he says they talk all the time. I took it as I’m on notice. OK, so this weekend she says she is coming, again I figured he knew. A day goes by and I ask "so when were you going to tell me?" apparently she did not say anything to him. OK, we get that out. He goes to church a few minutes later and 20 minutes later I get a text from my daughter why I didn’t tell her? Apparently my dad’s girlfriend went and right away told my daughter. Again he tells the village. So when he got home I said "maybe you want to talk to your granddaughter before you tell the whole village about plans going on in our house, (his girlfriend is persona no grata in my house, very long story).
 
So later on, its 6 pm, I haven’t made dinner yet, wasn't real hungry. He says he’s going out for a sandwich. OK, whatever, we made leftovers. Anyway, he’s on the phone with my sister telling her, "he got in trouble over his sister issues, I didn't tell him last week about it, we didn't make dinner so he had to go out for spaghetti, He is just like me (meaning I am just like him)".... it went on and on, threw me right under the bus with my sister. So this is why I am the black sheep in the family and no one calls me because I treat him so bad...... yeah, roof over his head, money when he needs it, a car to drive..... Life in my house is so terrible, if it is that bad and I am such a bad guy why does everyone come to me for help?

Tired of benig teh nice guy and let people do and say what ever. Need a break......

Geez, spell check messed thAt one up!

Job for grandson to help with those new kitties.

You would think my Ming was semi-wild. When anyone is here she runs for cover.

My grandmother had a semi wild cat that no one could get near except her and the cat would routinely have her kittens under grandmother's back porch. We grandkids delighted in lying in wait and catching and socializing the kittens, of course they all found homes with us!

Well - youngsters - about 6 weeks old with little though not no human contact and are hard to catch. They were born in a goat barn. There were two cats (mother and daughter) who gave birth at the same time (9 kittens in all), The mother is very friendly and visits with everyone, The daughter is not. I think we can make pets of them. Dd is very good with animals or I might not be taking them.

New kitties, Golden? How exciting. M a bye it should be grandpa's job to take them.😢

Are they actually feral cats or just youngsters?

See who blushes first, Golden! - him or you.

((((((trying))))) aaargh!!!! controlling sibs. You knew the day would come when your parents decline required a change of situation. And you knew your sis would not be reasonable or collaborative. Look after you. There coukd be storms ahead.

This is a quick drive by. I am in the south, returning today with - probably - a couple of wild kitties. Should be fun. Any tips on taming wild ones?

Here's a laugh. Grandson Joel expressed two concerns to his mother about my return. One was would I allow food in his bedroom. The answer to that is yes as long a dishes are returned to the kitchen daily and the bedroom doesn't get in a condition that breeds bugs (Dd's responsibility.) The second one, which is making me laugh, is how would I take his swearing while he is playing his X box games in his bedroom. I said as long as it didn't disturb the peace of the house he can swear in his room all he likes. Poor kid needs some way of letting off steam considering the tension there has been in there home. Essentially sil (his dad) has to play a stronger disciplinary role with his daughter who is being very disruptive. He now has time to practice this without dd (his wife) and dgs around. Their household is not a swearing household - never heard dd or sil swear. I probably swear more than they do and that's not much, But I do understand the feeling of release a good swear gives you. So be it.

Soil prepped and graded, sprinkler system in, sod on Tuesday!

Just checking in here, hoping everybody has some grace in their lives today. I’ve tried to read what I’ve missed, please forgive, some days not a lot of time. I’m cooking dinner for hubs at the moment, timer about to go off...
No emergencies or crises here at the moment. I’m doing the dance, trying to get gastro to prescribe three months of maintenance meds at a time. Global shortage of bile acid sequestrants, so getting medication for my liver is dicey. Not as bad as what’s going on in the UK, but if I can get three month scripts, it will trigger my drug plan’s preferred pharmacy to order three months’ worth, and maybe it won’t get sold out from under me, like last time. And, there are different generic versions of the Cholestyramine, with sucrose, or with artificial sweetener. But even though we don’t get a choice on which one is cheaper, it’s unfair to dump a carb product on diabetics, especially those who aren’t yet on insulin, and must keep tight control of carbohydrates.

I appreciate the question. It is important to make sure we are taking care of ourselves...

Trying, the Admissions team at the ALF will see Sis coming a mile off. I'm sure she's got lots of good moral reasons for her thinking - like "Mom won't like handing over" "it's good to support their independence" - but she'll be coming up against assessors who see families trying to sneak high-dependency elders in at a lower level day in, day out.

The rest of it - just grooooooaaaaaaannnn... Ugh.

Thanks Glad. You are right that Sis will freak when she finds out the cost. I suspect she is going to try and get them both into the same space but I don't think she realizes that the facility is going to require Dad have 24 hour care aside from Mom being there. That is going to cost an added fortune. and Sis is all about the money.

Someone told me that a realtor will not do anything without Moms consent. I'm hoping that will make Sis slow down and think. I can't even wrap my mind around reporting my sister, blood thicker than mud and all that. I hope it never comes to that.

Mom will never ditch Sis as POA. She truly believes that because my sister is a nurse practitioner she is keeping her and Dad alive. Plus, Sis finds fault with every medical professional and facility and she is vocal about this with my parents. She feeds my parents paranoia and they trust no one but her. Kind of creepy really.

I am backing away from my sister once again. On a good note Mom is recovering well from the hip fracture. I have been with her during therapy a number of times and they are pleased with her progress. She is one lucky lady. This is her second broken hip and still walking (with a walker of course!)

Trying, this concerns me. Is the POA standing or springing? Has sis obtained statements from docs of incapacity of mom and or dad? It sounds that is definitely not the case for mom. Mom still has rights and sis is trampling on them.

Would mom be able to change her POA? Not too soon, in my opinion. You know the twisteds had the same crazy idea that mom and L would share an assisted living apartment. Absurd! Thank goodness that there was a GCM watching out for Mom's and partially L's welfare that told twisteds no way in hell would L be able to provide the care mom needed. And they did not even include L in any part of their decision?! He was so terribly hurt when the GCM shared this piece of news with us.

I would call APS and let them do their assessment then they tell sis mom is competent and wants to come back home and does not have the ability to care for dad and that, no, she cannot share an apartment with dad.. Maybe when those assisted living costs double sis will see reason. A bull in a China shop.

I understand you may want to stay as far from this as possible, but these are too important of decisions to just let sis run amok. Mom gets her say too. Maybe the cost doubling with two separate living units will deter her? Would you consider talking with their doc? Or social worker where they are now. Your twisted is just as crazy as mine are!

Thank you all.

The other day Sis left a phone message that she had someone clearing out Mom and Dads cellar and garage and she wanted me to contact a colleague of mine, who owns an elder transition service, to clear out the house. I told her that we needed to begin a better system of communication before I got involved. I also said I wanted to be part of the decision making. None of this went over well and she texted me a tirade of admonishments and insults and made it perfectly clear that I had no say in her decisions. My response was to say she could not possibly expect me to work with her under those circumstances. Another tirade came back and that was that.

Mom has no clue yet as to what is going on. She thinks she is going home. Sis has already chosen a facility and begun the process of having them placed. We had agreed to check out the facility together but Sis went ahead without me. Her plan was to put them in a lower level assisted living unit together, where they would be without direct care over night and a good part of the day. Mom would continue on caring for Dad. Mom is in no condition to be Dads caregiver under any circumstances. This made me nervous and I said so. Sis dismissed my concerns as usual and said that was not up to me to say. She cut me out and went solo. One consolation, I doubt the AL will approve Sis's idea.


So, no my Mom has no clue that her things are being sold and she will be heartbroken. I hope my sister at least keeps a few things out for Mom to have at the new place.

All of this has to be done but not this way.

Hugs, Trying.

What's your sister expecting you to do?
What of it would you normally be happy to do if she weren't being such a PITA right now?
What do you think would be best for your mother?

I agree that your sister can't empty and sell the house without your mother's agreement. On one level, it's a no brainer. But another level is: will your mother actually be relieved if sister takes it out of her hands and presents her with, in effect, a fait accompli? There can be an argument for ripping off the plaster, at least to the point where everything is in place and all your mother has to do is "confirm your order" and click.

I LOVE that "you've got too many boundaries" - ROFL!!! Too many = any that she personally finds inconvenient. You can't have too many boundaries as long as they don't get in her way!

How's your mother doing? I completely agree she's the best use for your energy.

Trying, I understand your concerns. Did your sister say why she hasn't discussed this with your parents beforehand? If your mom is still competent, I'd think she should be able to know what's going on with her house and finances. If it's a matter of having to sell the house in order to pay for her living expenses there in the facility, she would probably understand, even if it might be a bit painful for her.

It's my understanding that POA isn't in effect unless or until the person is no longer able to make decisions on their own. Sounds like the sale of the house is a decision that should be authorized by your mom. It's concerning that sis is being secretive about everything, and getting defensive when you ask questions.

I went through a situation with my own sister, whereby she transferred mom's house into her name after mom was declared to be incompetent, while a guardianship proceeding was in process whereby she and I were supposed to be mom's co-guardians. Turns out it was discovered by mom's attorney that my sister had withdrawn most of mom's savings too.

Not saying that's your case, but I would suggest that you both sit down with your parents and have a family meeting as to the finances and what their wishes are. They do have a right to know what is going on. And yes, definitely keep good boundaries as it can get messy.

Ahhh, trying, it is so good to hear from you! Many have left, changes...

Vent and vent away, we all have been there. No such thing as too many boundaries. We all need them to try to remain sane or to gain our sanitym

Hi everyone. So the day has finally come that my parents cannot live at home. Mom broke her hip 6 weeks ago and has been in rehab for a month. Dad went into the rehab with Mom under respite care. Dad is so dependent he can't/wont even blow his nose on his own. Mom's mobility is severely limited and her balance is terrible. They have her bed and chair alarmed because she insists she can walk around on her own and she keeps trying to get up.

Dads respite allotment has run out and Mom has been approved for 30 more days of rehab. Dad is going into another facility for now. My sister (POA) spent the last of their money to pay off my parents home. Sis also had all of Dads cash assets transferred to Mom this year so Dad would qualify for medicaid. The cash was spent on part time care giving. After paying off the house there is no money left, Dad is on Medicaid and Mom on Medicare. Unbeknownst to my parents Sis is insisting on a rush clean out of the house and putting it on the market "ASAP" as she puts it. Not sure how she is going to pull this off as Mom is still considered competent. My parents have no idea their life possessions and home are being sold as we speak.

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset that my parents are going to a facility I am upset that this did not happen in a better more timely way. The last time Mom went into the hospital with a fall I begged Sis to let us approach the subject and begin the process. I told her I did not want to be doing this under crisis conditions if we could avoid it. Mom would have hated it but she eventually does what Sis tells her to do and it would have happened. Sis of course demeaned my concerns and reminded me that she was POA not me.

Today Sis and I got into it. She made decisions I have concerns about without my input and expects me to step to. I told her if she wants my involvement we need to take time to communicate better and make sure we agree on the actions. This did not go over well with her and once again she told me she is the one making the decisions. She said a lot of other hateful things, one was to belittle me saying I have too many boundaries. I am done with trying to keep peace with my sister. I need to spend what energy I do have doing what I can to emotionally support my folks. And yes, I will be keeping my boundaries there as well!

I have not posted in so long I feel a little sheepish venting like this. Thank you for being here.

So once again it is summer,, the happy season where my BIL and his wife go off on a happy vacation( or 4) and leave my 96 YO frail FIL home alone for a week or two,, with out giving us a heads up.. You have all heard this "Happy " story before.. LOL He has a gal who comes every other day for 4 hours.His legs are now "giving out".. twice in one day while we had him at the river house last week. And the week before he went to wind his Grandfather Clock and "passed out", bringing the clock down on himself. He says he yelled and yelled,, the happy couple were out by the pool having a frosty beverage and relaxing ( which they say FIL wanted, but has never used) He finally was able to crawl out from under it to the door... then they finally came in and "patched him up" I cant believe these people! Hubs went over today and took him out for lunch, and another friend is going Sat. Hubs has to get Mom tomorrow, so he can't stop by. We can't have FiL here, as we have levels and he is frailer than mom, and on O2 .As we are moms full time CGs, this puts us in a bad spot. I am at my wits end.. but what can we do? FIL refuses to take any action, he pays ALL the bills there, but insists they "take care of him" Yep,, lots of premade sandwitches in the fridge..all hard and nasty. every day..

Caregivingash, your story is sad but very familiar on here. So many of us, caregivers and former caregivers can relate. It always seems to be that empathetic person in the family that bears the brunt of the load. But just remember when you are feeling stressed and resentful that you are the brave one, the kind one, and that karma exists and one day you'll get it all back.

And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you - Moody Blues.

I just needee to vent for a minute.. It's been a long day of care giving and trying to get back in the swing of working again. I didn't realize how exhausting all of this would really be. And I'm angered at myself for allowing my mom to have so much control over me (mentally, emotionally). I keep trying to tell myself that one day she will be appreciative and to be patient with her because she has cancer. I'm constantly making excuses for her behavior and actions to myself! How crazy is that? But then I realise that I've made excuses for her to myself and everybody else all my life. Because I didnt ever want her to feel the way she has always made me feel.. Unloved, scared, pain, loneliness... The list could go on and on. But If I continue to let her have this hold over me, she will continue to sit back and watch me work myself into the ground as long as she is benefiting from it. I have no physical help from my "family". Their " Help " Consists of blowing up MY phone with text messages (not even calls) asking a thousand questions. Meanwhile, I'm actually TAKING CARE of her. And they would get pissed when I didn't have the time to respond to all of those questions 🙄 also, I have a sister that lives literally right around the corner from my moms. She's the least helpful of any of them. I have 4 aunts that live in the town right next to mine. It's about a 30 minutes drive at most. I'm so fed up with all of these "family" Members. Not one kept their word of helping with mom or being there for me. I'm hurt, I'm tired, and I'm struggling to cope well with any of it. Is it just care giving, Or am I a slave to my empathy for other people? P. S. Thank you for this thread 🙌

I just wanted to vent. My brother and brother in law both told me I shouldn't be hiring any personal care nurses for my mom, since I quit my job to be her full time caregiver, so I should do all the work. I talked to her neuro doc today, who was appalled, saying she needs nurses at least 3 days a week not only for my respite but to stimulate mom. I get so frustrated with siblings that don't get it, yet will pounce when it comes time for an inheritance.

Golden, (((HUGS))),

cwillie, I often wonder the same thing.

Shell, I would be to scared to look inside what I see out side is to much already. But you are right the wiring is off.

CW, I think their brains are wired differently. Trust me, I really don't get it either, but I am sure if you looked inside their head it would be scaring!